- 23 hours ago
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01:13Coffee? Yeah?
01:16I've been keeping a little check.
01:19Monday night, too tired.
01:21Tuesday, got a headache.
01:23Wednesday, not tonight, cos I'm in the middle of a new recipe.
01:27Thursday night.
01:28You can't complain about Thursday.
01:31I'm not talking about that.
01:33I'm talking about going out.
01:35Oh, I see.
01:35Yes, well, we have got a restaurant to run now.
01:38I know we have, but I mean, it's our night off tonight.
01:41We could do something.
01:42We could go to the cinema.
01:44All right, we'll go to the cinema.
01:45I don't want to go to the cinema.
01:47There's nothing on locally.
01:49Unless you fancy seeing sex frenzy of the wolf women.
01:52Oh, I'm a leg man.
01:54They're bound to have four, presumably.
01:56Can't we go dancing?
01:58Well, close dancing's coming back.
01:59I've got it on the authority of a T-shirt.
02:01No, I can't do that sort of dancing.
02:03See, I keep quick-quicking when I should be slow-slowing.
02:05Well, I can lead and you can follow.
02:07Listen, if I can't do it forwards, I certainly can't do it backwards.
02:10All right.
02:11No dancing.
02:12All right.
02:13We could eat out, then.
02:14We could.
02:15I tell you what, there's this fantastic little bistro in Fulham where...
02:19Oh, it's the owner's night off.
02:21You see, he's got this film he wants to see.
02:23Oh, not sex frenzy of the wolf women.
02:25Come on, we don't have to go to a local one.
02:27There's lots of pictures on.
02:28Oh, that's more like it.
02:29Right, where's the TV times?
02:30You're behaving exactly like a husband.
02:32Here we are.
02:34Er...
02:35Sandra Dee and Tab Hunter in a tuneful frolic at a high school prom...
02:40Oh, forget it.
02:43You would like a romantic evening with your slightest wish anticipated.
02:47Oh, something like that.
02:49All right, you organise it and I'll go along with it.
02:50No.
02:51Exactly like a husband.
02:56There must be something you see light doing tonight.
02:59Anything you like.
03:00Feeding the ducks by torchlight.
03:02Well, it's cheap, doesn't take much effort.
03:05No, you'd have to hit them pretty hard with the bread to wake them up.
03:10I thought you said you couldn't dance.
03:12I'm checking the floorboards.
03:13You see, according to this plan here, we're supposed to have a cellar here.
03:17Oh, where?
03:17I can't see a cellar.
03:19There, at the top of the building.
03:20You've got it upside down.
03:36Oh.
03:37Oh, very good.
03:38Very good.
03:39If that's a wolf woman, let her in.
03:41No, it's my father.
03:42Well, I was near enough, didn't I?
03:44Oh, no, no, no.
03:45Hi, Dad.
03:46I just popped in to tell you that I...
03:50What's this?
03:50Some sort of fertility, right?
03:53I'm checking to see if it's hollow.
03:55He thinks he has a hollow foot?
03:57No, what I mean is I...
03:58Oh, no, no, never mind, never mind.
04:00Victoria, I have a little surprise for you.
04:02Oh?
04:02What?
04:03I've got two tickets for the opening night of...
04:07Kwongo Bullfrog.
04:08What?
04:10It's the new African musical, based on Wind of the Willows.
04:12Oh, yes, that's right.
04:13It's opening tonight, isn't it?
04:14Absolutely.
04:16Yes.
04:17Tickets are like gold.
04:18I have two.
04:20Oh, that's great.
04:21It's supposed to be a marvellous show.
04:22Well, I can't say I approve of all the changes.
04:25The leading character's name is now Uhuru, not Toad.
04:30Uhuru of Uhuru Hall.
04:33Well, that's the third world for you.
04:35Oh, anyway, it'll be a nice lunch out.
04:37Just what Vicky and I needed.
04:39Oh, just a moment.
04:40Vicky and you?
04:41Yes.
04:42I'm afraid I've only got two tickets.
04:44What, you mean Vicky and you?
04:46Right, that's settled then.
04:47Now then, I'll come and pick you up at about six, darling.
04:49Well, no, Dad, I mean, it's really nice of you,
04:51but I don't think I want to go without Robin.
04:53No?
04:54No.
04:55Are you absolutely sure?
04:56Yes.
04:57Sorry.
04:58Hmm.
05:01Well, well, well, what have we here?
05:02I seem to have found a third ticket so we can all go together.
05:06If we must.
05:07Well, if that's your attitude, you can stick it.
05:08Robin, it's got topless dancers.
05:10Very well, I accept your apologies.
05:12What?
05:12At least it won't cost me anything.
05:14Yes, it will.
05:14I'll need a new dress.
05:15What?
05:16What do you want with a new dress?
05:18New shoes, new handbag.
05:19I thought you'd never ask.
05:20What?
05:20Oh, I'll stick with the dress.
05:22There's one in that shop in the high road I've seen.
05:24Oh, fine.
05:24I trust you'll make some sort of effort, young man?
05:27I'll go now.
05:27I'll be back about four, all right?
05:28Mm-hmm.
05:29Bye.
05:29Bye, darling.
05:30I'll put on a collar and tie.
05:32How's that?
05:33And trousers.
05:35I wasn't thinking of showing off that.
05:36I mean, instead of jeans.
05:39Oh.
05:39Yes.
05:40This is going to be quite an occasion, you know.
05:42Everybody who is anybody will be there.
05:44Plus you.
05:46I'll be around about six to pick you both up.
05:48Come in.
05:51I have discovered something.
05:53Yes?
05:53We have got a cellar.
05:55I know that.
05:56No, it's here in Blackham.
05:58What?
05:59I've always known we've got a cellar.
06:00Why didn't you tell me?
06:01Because you never asked.
06:02Where is it?
06:03Presumably it's down there.
06:04Where is the trap door?
06:07Ah, ah, yes.
06:08Well, when it was a Chinese takeaway, I believe they used it for growing noodles or something.
06:13Now, let's see.
06:14The trap door was, um, in the kitchen.
06:22I've never seen a trap door in here.
06:24Well, I guess it's under the linoleum somewhere.
06:26It shouldn't be too difficult to find.
06:28Afternoon, sir.
06:29Ah, we're having trouble with the cockroaches again.
06:33Oh, don't be ridiculous, Riddle.
06:34There's a new dance, Albert.
06:36The cellar stopped.
06:37Is that right, sir?
06:38Me Auntie Mary used to be a great one for the dancing.
06:41Marvelous sense of rhythm, but no sense of direction at all.
06:45Stop him now.
06:46We'll be here all night.
06:47Benny's the time she's gone plowing through the show band and straight into the hot pies.
06:53Albert, is the vegetable Van Hilliard?
06:55Not yet, sir, no.
06:56I-I recall the day she skidded on a patch of brill cream, bounced off Terry Wogan...
07:01Would you like to wait outside for it, please?
07:04Without finishing me story?
07:06Preferably, yes.
07:07As you wish, sir.
07:10She got her foot caught in the trombone.
07:12There was sequence flying everywhere.
07:15Hey!
07:16I found-I think I found it.
07:17Ah, good.
07:18Will you have me pull this liner back?
07:19Yes, of course.
07:21Take it easy now.
07:23Steady, eh?
07:23Steady.
07:24Now, don't be careful.
07:24Don't crack it.
07:26That's the way.
07:28Splendid!
07:28Well done.
07:29There we are.
07:30Do you know, Sonic?
07:31Hmm?
07:32I don't know what I've done without you.
07:34It was nothing.
07:35Ah!
07:36What have we here?
07:39Oh, well, well.
07:40I see Baldwin's having a go at the King.
07:42Yes, but it's a pretty old newspaper.
07:44Yes, I know.
07:45I prefer them to today's.
07:48Oh, good Lord.
07:50Teddy Tail.
07:52I used to love him.
07:53Yes.
07:55I see that gin is going up to five and six a bottle.
07:58What is the world coming for?
08:00I found it.
08:01What?
08:01Oh, yes.
08:03Can you give me a hand?
08:04Yeah.
08:04It's a bit stiff.
08:05All right.
08:10Hey.
08:14Hey, look at that.
08:15A real cellar.
08:16Yes, it looks quite sizable.
08:17Shall we go down and have a look?
08:19Why not?
08:21Watch the spiders.
08:23Ah.
08:24Yes.
08:25Well, you go down and have a look and tell me what it's like.
08:29You're not scared of spiders, are you?
08:30No, of course not.
08:32Not even a little bit?
08:34Certainly not.
08:35With her eight wriggly little legs.
08:36Yeah.
08:38Will you stop that?
08:39I am not at all afraid of spiders.
08:41Very well.
08:41Then come down with me.
08:43I will.
08:43I will.
08:44After you.
08:47With her fat, hairy little bodies.
09:03All right.
09:04Okay.
09:04Yeah.
09:05Sorry.
09:06It's okay.
09:06It's okay.
09:07Come on.
09:13Hey.
09:14That's just not too bad.
09:15Yeah.
09:17Here's one.
09:18What?
09:18Spuddy.
09:19What?
09:19A light switch.
09:21Oh.
09:22There we are.
09:23Now we can see them before they drop on us.
09:26Will you stop that?
09:28Oh, leave him alone.
09:32Is that just a bit of fluff?
09:35Hey.
09:36I could do real things with this cellar.
09:39You could fumigate it for a start.
09:40No, no, no.
09:41Wine.
09:41Wine.
09:41I could store the wine.
09:43Surely that would be rather a waste of space, wouldn't it?
09:45You'll get some tables in down here, packing a few more customers.
09:50Underfloor eating.
09:53The ceiling's too low.
09:56Well, it could be the new in place with the five foot two and under.
10:01You couldn't have a restaurant down here.
10:03See, the place is full of arachnidaranii.
10:06Full of what?
10:08Spiders.
10:21Shocking crop of spuds this year.
10:23Huh?
10:23Half of the month, that size.
10:25Ah, yeah.
10:26Still, we must be thankful for small morpies.
10:36There's something on top of it.
10:39I can't open that damn thing.
10:41Oh, God!
11:00Albert!
11:02Albert!
11:04He must have gone.
11:07It's no good.
11:08I can't budge it at all.
11:09Well, I told you.
11:09There's something on top of it.
11:10Don't panic.
11:12Listen, there's absolutely no cause for panic.
11:14I'm not panicking.
11:15Don't talk to myself.
11:17I suffer for a bit of claustrophobia, see?
11:20Do you really?
11:22Well, well, well.
11:25Do you feel that the walls and the ceiling are closing in on you?
11:28Don't do that.
11:30Oh, sorry.
11:31Sorry.
11:31Sorry.
11:33It must be awful for you.
11:36Trapped in an enclosed space.
11:41Sorry.
11:42Sorry.
11:42Listen, we could be here till Vicky gets back.
11:45Now, keep calm.
11:46I mean, supposing we run out of air.
11:48I mean, you're breathing it like there's no tomorrow.
11:50Take it easy.
11:51Look at the state of that nose.
11:53I mean, you're sucking up like a vacuum cleaner.
11:55Now, will you please pull yourself together, young man?
12:01Heavens.
12:02Now, Victoria will be back at about four o'clock.
12:05So there's absolutely no point in shutting.
12:08I'm sorry.
12:09I'm sorry.
12:09I'm sorry.
12:09You're right.
12:16I spy with my little eye
12:20What?
12:21Something beginning with W?
12:25S.
12:41Yes.
12:42Oh.
12:47Well, where is it?
12:48Where is it?
12:49What?
12:50Shoulder.
12:53Oh.
12:54Oh.
13:01hello albert oh hello miss i was just waiting to tell you that the vegetables have been delivered
13:07and i've locked up oh fine so i could be off to the library now if they hadn't banned me
13:13for
13:13drying my socks on the radiator would you like to come up for a nice quick cup of tea oh
13:19i couldn't
13:19put you to the trouble of making a cup of tea miss oh no no would you have a drop
13:24of rum
13:31i spy with my little eye i think we've done them all you haven't done trousers something beginning
13:39with tea trousers yes this is boring what did you do to sort of pass the time in the trenches
13:49you know during the war passchendaele the sun
13:53i was not in the first world war no i was in the second just
14:09i remember we were pinned down just outside salerno 20 men and myself the only officer
14:20we were trapped by shofar i knew i had to do something to lift the men's morale
14:31so i started to sing
14:35softly at first and then gradually louder as the men joined in
14:42underneath the lamplight by the baguette
14:47darling i remember the way you used to wear
14:51no wonder the italians surrendered
14:56i'm sorry no i'm sorry sorry no no it must have been
15:02it must have been a very emotional
15:07a few moments after that i got a bullet in the leg
15:13now that's not fair because your singing is not that bad
15:24underneath the lamp lamp by the barry bridge gate shut up sorry sorry
15:31what time is it ten past ten past four victoria sure to be home by now
15:42victoria i've just had a thought yes supposing she comes in the side door and
15:46goes straight upstairs to the flat
15:48victoria
15:53here we are albert not too much is there
15:55oh no miss no and if it is i'll drink a bit so there'll be less
16:01well i better start getting ready for the theatre
16:03and now me uncle michael was in the theatre the ballymucky repertory company
16:09he once played that fella god what's his name um macbeth in hamlet
16:15macbeth in hamlet he got drunk and turned up on the wrong night
16:21they say he was very good mind
16:23have you seen any sign of robin
16:26yeah not for a while i was telling him the story about me auntie mary
16:30he really ought to be here ah not to worry i can tell him later
16:33she was a great one for the dancing you see did he say where he was going
16:37hey no miss no marvelous sense of rhythm but yes i know albert
16:41straight through the show ban and into the hot pies
16:44i didn't know you knew me auntie mary
16:49vicky vicky
16:50oh it's no good
16:52she can't hear you
16:55there's only one thing to do
16:57i spy with my little eyes
16:59no not that
17:01this
17:04now then where does this lead to to the boiler
17:08the other end oh sorry sorry well it most probably goes up to the flat and then
17:12exactly so if one of us were to put our head inside the oven
17:16and then shout she might hear us
17:17oh good luck i'm not putting my head in there i i i i'm terrified of enclosed spaces
17:23all right i see
17:26be careful of the spiders
17:32no it's all right it's quite clear
17:39hello
17:42hello
17:42hello
17:45victorio
17:50victorio
18:05Good grief.
18:07Do you know, it never struck me before.
18:09Do you know, you've got a remarkable resemblance to Sidney Poitier.
18:16Yes.
18:18If Robin doesn't get back soon, we're going to miss the opening curtain.
18:21Ah, now, that's a pretty dress, miss.
18:24My lady friend's got one just like that.
18:27Dirty Agnes from the bombsite.
18:31She has?
18:32Oh, exactly the same, only with long sleeves and a flyaway collar.
18:37It shouldn't fly away, but the safety pins keep coming undone.
18:41Yes, well, you've got some very colourful friends, Albert.
18:44Well, she looks up to me, and there's not many do that.
18:48No, I mean, yes.
18:50I mean, well, but what time do you make it?
18:53Let me see.
18:55It's, um...
18:57It's half past something or other.
18:59Only it's got a hand missing.
19:02Yes.
19:02We're going to be late.
19:05Coe.
19:06See?
19:07Coe.
19:08Now, what does that suggest to you?
19:10Old King?
19:11Oh, no, no, no.
19:14We're not...
19:14This is not a game.
19:16Now, if there is coal down here, then there must be a coal hole.
19:19An exit.
19:20You mean another way out.
19:22Yes.
19:27Ah, and there it is.
19:31Oh, um...
19:33Yes.
19:35Right.
19:36Up you go.
19:37Why me?
19:39Because I, alas, am too well-built.
19:41You, being fashionably scrawny, will easily make it.
19:44Oh, of course.
19:45Mm-hmm.
19:46You, too, can look like Sidney Poitier.
19:48Now, get a move on.
19:50We'll be here all weekend.
19:52That's the way.
19:53Take it easy.
19:53Steady as you go.
19:55Oh, do hurry up.
19:57Those tickets cost me four quid each, you know.
19:59Yeah.
19:59All right.
20:00Oh, and one other thing.
20:01Yeah?
20:02Try not to think about your claustrophobia.
20:06Yeah.
20:55Oh, good evening.
21:03All right, all right.
21:05I'm sorry, Sidney, we're closed.
21:07It's me.
21:09It's Robbie.
21:10This person claims it your name, miss.
21:12Well, I thought I did.
21:14Look, it's not an offence to climb out of your own coal hole.
21:17It might be.
21:18I've never come across it before.
21:19Why did you climb down the coal hole?
21:21I wasn't.
21:21I was climbing up it.
21:23Then Mr. Plod here came off.
21:24Oh, yes, well, I'm sure we can sort this sort of thing out.
21:27Now, we've got three tickets for the theatre.
21:29Oh, well, that's very nice of you, miss, but I'm afraid I'm on duty till midnight.
21:33Not you.
21:34It's for me, for her, her father.
21:36Your father's still in the cellar.
21:38What?
21:39On the other hand, I am free tomorrow night.
21:42Pardon?
21:43What on earth took you so long?
21:45Well, you see, there was this policeman.
21:48He thought I was an illegal immigrant.
21:50Now, be fair, Miss, he did look like a vagrant.
21:52Yeah.
21:53However, since you vouch for him, then there's no fun.
21:55I do.
21:55Now, look here, Constable.
21:57Do you vouch for this one as well?
21:59Yes.
22:00All right, then.
22:01Well, I'll bid you goodnight, miss.
22:03Goodnight, sooty.
22:06Goodnight, sweet.
22:10What happened?
22:12We were stuck in the cellar.
22:14He started singing.
22:15It was hell down there.
22:17We're never going to make it to the theatre now.
22:19Oh, yes, yes, yes.
22:20Of course we will.
22:21It'll only take me a few minutes to dash home, shave and change.
22:24You do try and do something to him, will you?
22:26I'll be as quick as I possibly can.
22:27How on earth did you get stuck in the cellar?
22:29Well, no!
22:32Oh, no.
22:34Someone left the lid off the girlhole.
22:44Oh, come on, Vicky.
22:46It could have been worse.
22:47It was on his toe.
22:51It wasn't even his little piggy-wee that went to market.
22:54It was on the way, wee, wee, wee, wee, all the way up.
22:57Actually, it was lucky for him.
22:58His wallet cushioned his fall.
22:59It is not funny.
23:01No, you're right, you're right.
23:02As soon as we've got him home,
23:03we can still catch sex frenzy of the wolf woman.
23:06Oh, maybe not.
23:09Be careful, now.
23:11Be careful, damn it.
23:12I am a private patient.
23:14How is it, Dad?
23:15Oh, Victoria.
23:17Oh, no, no, no.
23:18You shouldn't have waited.
23:19You see, he agrees with me.
23:21Oh, be quiet.
23:22It'll be...
23:22It'll be all right in a few weeks.
23:25Oh, it's...
23:26It's just a small bone
23:27in the little toe.
23:29Ah, so you will be able to play the violin again.
23:34What kind of future have you got
23:35with a man who is always climbing out of coal holes
23:37and leaving the lids off?
23:38Well, you can't really blame Robin, Dad.
23:41Thank you very much.
23:41It's about time to...
23:42Oh, shut up.
23:42It's all your fault.
23:44Darling, I'm sorry.
23:45I've ruined your evening.
23:47You could have gone to the theatre without me
23:48and abandoned me.
23:52Well, not really.
23:53Anyway,
23:54I gave the tickets to somebody who could use them.
23:56Oh, did you?
23:58Who?
24:00Another chip, Agnes.
24:02Oh, my God.
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