- 1 day ago
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00:00I don't know.
00:53Oh, yeah, Victoria, what exactly is this?
00:58Virgin tablets, 85p.
01:01Vegetables.
01:03Ah, yes, I thought it was rather cheap for virgin tablets.
01:08Also, you've added it up wrongly,
01:10but at least you did get the table right.
01:11House point for geography.
01:12Oh, Dad, it's been a rush all day.
01:14Taking orders, serving, making out bills.
01:17My feet hurt.
01:18Oh, you make them out with your feet.
01:21Instead of standing about niggling and nagging,
01:23haven't you got any work to do?
01:24Niggling and nagging is my work.
01:26And I'm really rather good at it.
01:28Why don't you go and give them a hand in the kitchen?
01:30Oh, very well.
01:33I'm told you need a hand in here.
01:35Oh, that I do, sir.
01:36The dishes are piling up like priests around a sixpence.
01:41Quite.
01:41What I had in mind was more to do with management.
01:44Well, perhaps you could manage to scrape this little pan here clean.
01:48Oh, what a night.
01:49Veil court en bleu being churned out like British Leyland cars.
01:53Many as that.
01:54You see this face?
01:56This is the face that longs a thousand chips.
02:02Oh, come on.
02:04Come on.
02:04Come on.
02:05It's worth a little smile, isn't it?
02:07Come on.
02:08That's it.
02:08Go on.
02:08A little smile.
02:09A little smile.
02:11You see, it was a play on words.
02:12The face that longs a thousand chips.
02:14Actually, it was Cleopatra, really.
02:16Actually, it was Helen of Troy, really.
02:19Oh, no wonder you didn't smile.
02:21Me grandmother had one of them.
02:23What, a face?
02:24No.
02:25A British Leyland car.
02:28I never haven't passed a test used to drive it on the wireless licence.
02:34Riddle, this is irrelevant.
02:35Oh, no, it's a relative.
02:36Me grandmother.
02:38And one day, she's driving it over Ballymucky Bridge, which is a minor error of judgment on
02:44her part, because Ballymucky hasn't got a bridge.
02:47Albert, not now.
02:49How's it going in there?
02:50There's only one couple left, and she keeps feeling his knee, so I don't suppose they'll
02:54stay long.
02:54Oh, good.
02:55Yeah, that's right.
02:56Oh, ha, ha.
02:56This is the best part of the evening.
02:58All the hard work done, time to relax, glass of wine.
03:03You've only been here ten minutes.
03:04I only come for the best part, haven't they, of course?
03:07Oh, it's been a hard night.
03:08Look at that.
03:09That was a full-size pencil when I started.
03:11Never mind, it couldn't spell.
03:13I'll buy you a new one.
03:14There's nothing wrong with creative spelling.
03:16And criticism does not come well from a young man who puts two N's in menu.
03:21Yes, well, that was a slip of the pencil.
03:22That's what she had in the back of the car, would I?
03:25What?
03:26Two hens.
03:29And me grandmother, and a pig and a goat.
03:32She was on her way to the market.
03:35Riddle, what has that got to do with spelling?
03:37Oh, I thought you said smelling.
03:40Well, on that fragrant note, I think I'll take my leave.
03:43Yes, and while you're going, you might as well take some of the empties with you, would you?
03:45What?
03:46The empties.
03:47Very well.
03:48But really, you know, I should not be expected to take a part in all these menial times.
03:53Oh!
03:54Oh!
03:55Oh!
03:56Oh, my back, it's gone.
03:57My back, it's gone.
03:58Oh!
03:58No, it's still there.
03:59I can see it.
04:01Dear God, I am in agony and you inflict these Celtic whimsies on me.
04:05My back, my back, it's locked.
04:07I do hope you enjoyed it.
04:09Oh, we did, yes.
04:10Very much indeed.
04:14Oh!
04:15Lovely.
04:16Good.
04:17Vicky, Vicky, Albert, can we please put these two tables together?
04:20Well, it's all right.
04:22It's your dad's back.
04:23It's, it, it, it, it, it, it's got, it's got locked or something.
04:26Oh, dear.
04:26Was it something he ate?
04:28No, no.
04:28No, it wasn't something he ate.
04:31He's had it before.
04:32It's all right.
04:33Will you please stop saying it's all right?
04:34It is not all right.
04:35I am in agony.
04:36No, all right.
04:36Just get him on the table there.
04:37That's it.
04:38Lay him flat.
04:39Lay him flat.
04:39There you go.
04:39Oh, good.
04:40Oh, good.
04:41Um.
04:42Sorry.
04:43There we go.
04:46Thank you so much.
04:47Do come again.
04:47Oh, we will, yes.
04:49Good night.
04:49Yes, good night.
04:50Have a good time.
04:53Right now, how is it?
04:55I, that didn't help.
04:57Oh, I'm sorry.
04:58Just relax, Dad.
05:00Oh.
05:00Do you think a drop of brandy would be in order, sir?
05:03That's a good idea, Albert.
05:07The last time he had this, he was laid up for days.
05:10I think it's some sort of a slipped disc, you know.
05:12Oh, I got it first on my honeymoon.
05:15What were you doing?
05:16Mind your own business.
05:17Oh, me Uncle Pat on me mother's side.
05:20He had one as well.
05:22A honeymoon?
05:23A British lady car?
05:24Oh, no, no, no.
05:25A bad back.
05:26He got it playing rugby with the little sisters of adversity.
05:30Albert, have you done the dishes yet?
05:32Oh, I'll do them now, miss.
05:33Do you think we ought to call an ambulance?
05:35Oh, certainly not.
05:36I'm not having him carried out in a stretcher through the restaurant.
05:39It'd be bad for business.
05:39Oh, we can't leave him here.
05:41I don't know.
05:42Surround him with lettuce.
05:44Apple in his gob there.
05:46Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
05:48I shall be quite all right, darling.
05:50As long as I can get to my own bed.
05:51Oh.
05:52Oh.
05:53I'm perfectly fit to dry.
05:54Oh.
05:55Oh.
05:55Oh.
06:09I'm not going to like this one little bit.
06:11Have you ever driven a car like this before?
06:12Oh.
06:12Of course I have.
06:14No more different than driving a bike.
06:16Um, Victoria, I've changed my mind.
06:18I'm going to sleep on the table.
06:19Oh, don't be silly, Dad.
06:20One was a very experienced driver.
06:22Of course.
06:22I've dented more cars than you've had hopped in.
06:24It's gone in again.
06:24Oh.
06:25Get him in.
06:26Careful.
06:34Uh, it is automatic, you know.
06:36Have you ever driven an automatic?
06:37Well, of course I have.
06:40Uh, where's the car?
06:41Oh, my God.
06:43Will you please be very careful?
06:44It is a new car.
06:45I know, I was only joking.
06:46I was only joking.
06:47Oh, there's lots of little thingy-bobs here, isn't there?
06:49Uh, eenie, meenie, miney, moe.
06:52Oh.
06:53Oh, good, good, good.
06:55Yes, the hazard lights, they are fine.
06:58Oh, look, Victoria, I think I had better drive.
07:00It is a brand new car.
07:01Yes, I know.
07:02There's so many things here.
07:03Don't worry, don't worry.
07:04Oh, here we go.
07:07Yes, the radio is A-OK.
07:11Actually, I don't want to worry you,
07:12but I think you're choked sometimes.
07:14Oh, God, that is the cigar matter.
07:16Look, I only took delivery this last week, you know.
07:19Yes, what?
07:20Finally, I'll next a new car.
07:21Hang on.
07:28Oh, good, yes.
07:29Canopy released.
07:31Ejector seat at go.
07:33So, if we could stand by for take-off.
07:36Oh, God.
07:36Is it a nice new car?
07:38Yes, it is.
07:40No, no, no, no, you're going back.
07:42Oh, no, no.
07:46Come on, come on.
07:47Oh, steady.
07:48Oh, steady.
07:49Oh.
07:50OK.
07:50Now.
07:50Oh, thank you, yes.
07:51That wasn't such a bad drive after all, was it?
07:54I don't know.
07:55I had my eyes shut.
07:57Oh, darling, do you think you could possibly get me a few more pillows?
07:59Oh, to support my back.
08:01Yes.
08:01Would you like a couple of aspirins?
08:03No, no, a couple of pillows will do it.
08:06Right now, look, would you like me to get you a glass of water for your, well, you know,
08:10to put your, sorry.
08:12No, forget it.
08:14To put my what?
08:18No, no, they're probably your own, well, you know, most of them.
08:22No, um, would you like a, how about a, how about a cup of cocoa?
08:28I am not about to put my teeth into a cup of cocoa.
08:33Mainly because they are my own.
08:35I am sorry.
08:36Here we are.
08:37Oh, thank you, darling.
08:38There.
08:38Yes.
08:39OK.
08:41Now, I think the best thing I can do is to stay here with him.
08:44What?
08:44Oh, I can't leave him alone.
08:46Nonsense.
08:46No, no, no, no, no, Victoria.
08:48I won't hear it.
08:49Well, Dad, I think I ought to really...
08:50Oh, really well, if you insist.
08:52You can have your old bedroom, can't you?
08:55Nothing's been touched, you know.
08:56It's all exactly as it was when you left it.
08:58Really?
08:59Mm.
09:00Apart from the cheese and tomato bap on the dressing table.
09:03You've framed that, have you?
09:04What?
09:05Listen, if he's that bad, we should get a doctor.
09:07Oh, I couldn't bother him in the middle of the night.
09:09Good heavens, no.
09:10Besides, my bupa's lapsed.
09:12Well, you can look at that at the same time.
09:14Now, listen.
09:15Do you really have to stay?
09:16Oh, be fair, Robin.
09:18I'd stay with you if you were flat on your back and you needed me.
09:24Could be arranged, you know.
09:26Now, don't let us detain you, young man.
09:28If you're quick, you'll just about get your last bus.
09:31Oh, fine, yes, sorry.
09:32Sorry.
09:33Right.
09:36Good night.
09:37Good night.
09:37Good night.
09:42Listen, you sure you're going to be all right?
09:44I mean, you know, you haven't got a toothbrush.
09:46That's all right.
09:46I'll drop him in a cup of cocoa.
09:49A night dress?
09:50I'll sleep in my nothings.
09:52You know, perhaps I really ought to stay.
09:54Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
09:57Besides, it's only a single bed.
09:59Oh, I don't mind.
10:00No, I think one in the family with a bareback is quite enough.
10:03Ah.
10:04He really has left it the same.
10:06Hmm?
10:06Oh, yes, yes.
10:07Oh, look.
10:09This is Heffalump.
10:10I used to take him to bed with me every night.
10:13And you told me I was the first.
10:17Heffalumps don't count.
10:18See this?
10:19Hmm.
10:20Made this when I was eight, out of knicker elastic.
10:22What for?
10:23To fire at people who laughed at me,
10:25because my knickers kept falling by.
10:26Do you know, sir, you're opening up a whole new world to me.
10:29You're a bit of a tomboy, weren't you?
10:31Well, half of me was, and half of me wasn't.
10:33I used to have an action man who said, Mama.
10:38Come on, you'll miss your bus.
10:40Yeah.
10:41And I'm going to miss you.
10:42Well, it's only for one night, and I promise I'll write.
10:45I'll tell you what, then.
10:46Can I take Heffalump with me?
10:47Well, perhaps I should warn you.
10:49He's a one-girl elephant.
10:51He?
10:52He.
10:53I don't think I'll bother.
10:59Victoria?
11:02Victoria?
11:03Victoria?
11:08Well, I think I could just about manage a small medicinal brandy.
11:29Fine.
11:30Darling, it's so nice to have you back with me again.
11:32Just the two of us, like old times.
11:35Well, it's only for one night.
11:37Oh, yes, yes, yes.
11:38Of course it is, yes.
11:40Probably.
12:07Does it hurt when I do this?
12:09Yes, yes, yes, it does.
12:10I haven't done it yet.
12:13Everything hurts.
12:14Oh.
12:15Oh.
12:16Well, you know what the trouble is, don't you, James?
12:19No.
12:19You have what we in the medical profession term a dicky back.
12:22You can sit down.
12:23Is that it?
12:25Is that all I get for my ten guineas?
12:27Don't be ridiculous.
12:28There's fifteen guineas these days.
12:30You'll be more specific.
12:31I mean, is it a slipped disc, a pulled muscle, or what?
12:34Well, since you press me, I'd say, and this is just a quick diagnosis, mind you, I'd say
12:39that what you have is dorsum sumi malus.
12:42What's that?
12:43Latin for a dicky back.
12:46Two days in bed, she'll clear it.
12:48I see you take some of these every four hours, would you?
12:50Oh, well, I wasn't actually planning...
12:52No, Charles, I'm afraid that Victoria can't stay.
12:55She has her own life to lead, and, well, I must try and cope.
12:59Oh, as best I can.
13:02Well, it's just that, you know, with a restaurant...
13:04It's all right, darling, don't worry.
13:06I'll phone an agency.
13:08Get some registered stranger to look after me.
13:15That'll cost you a pound or two.
13:16Oh, you see, Charles, when one is alone, one has to pay for someone to care for one.
13:29I've, uh, I've finished the yard, sir.
13:32Shall I peel some potatoes for you?
13:34I don't think so, Albert.
13:36It takes too much time.
13:37I've got to hold the potato.
13:39That's true.
13:40Well, how would it be if I stirred the batter?
13:43When you stir it, the bowl goes round and the batter stays still.
13:46Now, I'll tell you what.
13:47You just fill up the salt setters.
13:50Oh, it's a long-held job, sir.
13:52Getting it through them little holes.
14:02You mean it, you mean it, don't you?
14:04Albert, Albert, look.
14:07Albert, the bottom's come off.
14:09Ah, I'll watch that, sir.
14:13Let me do that.
14:19Ah, you're back then, miss.
14:21Oh, we've been all over the place this morning.
14:23It's a lot of work for two pair of hands.
14:25Yes.
14:28And how's himself?
14:30Whoself?
14:31Himself, your father.
14:32He's not himself.
14:33His back's still bad.
14:34Ah.
14:34Ah, hello there.
14:35Hi.
14:36How's Quasimodo this morning?
14:39The doctor says he's got to spend a few days in bed.
14:41Well, what's actually the matter with him?
14:42As far as I can make out, he's got a stiff upper lip,
14:45all the way down to his knees.
14:47Well, when you get to his age, you know,
14:49you start falling apart a bit.
14:51I recall me Uncle Timothy.
14:53Albert.
14:53Ah, no, I don't come to think of it.
14:56Get on with these, sir.
14:57Actually, I've got the meat to collect.
14:58Can you just carry on here?
14:59Robin, he can't manage on his own.
15:01Of course, again, all you've got to do is
15:03unscrew the bottom and fill it with salt.
15:05Pardon?
15:08Oh, sorry, you're talking about your dad.
15:09He can't manage.
15:10Well, no, I just told you that.
15:12So, um, he's going to get a nurse in.
15:14Um, he's asked you to look after him.
15:17Well, just for a few days.
15:18Ah, no, Vicky, come on, I'll be fair.
15:19What about the restaurant?
15:20Well, I could come back here and serve lunches,
15:22and then I could go back to his place and look after him.
15:24And then in the evening, I could come back here
15:26and serve the drinks and dinners.
15:27And then I could go back and spend the night with him
15:29and take care of him.
15:30And then in the morning, I could come back...
15:31Do you think that's going to work?
15:33No.
15:33Neither do I.
15:34So it's agreed, then.
15:36What?
15:36Well, I agree that I should look after my father,
15:38and you agree that you don't like it.
15:42Yes, I think so.
15:50Albert, I am an angel.
15:52Is that a fact, sir?
15:55Now, we need somebody to wait on the tables.
15:57Oh, well, I could have a word with dirty Agnes from the bombsite.
16:00No, no, no, I don't think so, Albert.
16:02Now, you couldn't manage, could you?
16:03Oh, I could, sir.
16:04Oh, I'd give me right arm to be a waiter.
16:07Yes.
16:14Here we are.
16:19Lunch.
16:20Thank you, darling.
16:22You watching that?
16:23Watching what?
16:24Oh, no, no, no.
16:25I hadn't even noticed it was on.
16:31Well, how are you feeling?
16:33Oh, I can't complain.
16:34Yes, you can.
16:35You've been doing it all morning.
16:37Oh, come on.
16:38I mean, I can't be...
16:40What is this?
16:42It's a cheese and cocoa omelette.
16:46Well, the tin fell off the shelf while I was cooking it.
16:49It's mainly cheese.
16:50Yes, well, apart from the cooking, it's marvellous to have you back with me, darling.
16:55Oh, well, it's really nice for me, too.
16:57But it's only until you get better.
16:59Oh, yes, yes, of course it is, yes.
17:01Oh.
17:02Oh.
17:04Just a twinge.
17:09Table two would like four white wines.
17:11All right.
17:12Or as a table four, it'd like two.
17:15So, I'll do, Albert.
17:16I'll fill up three and you're half right, all right?
17:20Yes.
17:21On its way, sir.
17:23There we are.
17:26There's your wine, miss.
17:28Your wine, sir.
17:31Now, let me see.
17:32You're not a spring chicken, are you, sir?
17:36What?
17:37No, no, no, no, no.
17:39I'm a trap with no, no nuts.
17:49It's your daughter who's the chicken.
17:51There you are, miss.
17:54And there's the tartar sauce for it.
18:01I was right, sir.
18:03It was just the two wines for table four.
18:07Now, with the best will in the world, I cannot cook this.
18:11Is it difficult, sir?
18:14Le tropéateur.
18:15That is me.
18:17Ah, you can't cook yourself, sir.
18:21I may have got it wrong.
18:23It is possible, yes.
18:26But I shouldn't rule out dirty Agnes.
18:30Whoops.
18:31There we are.
18:34I'll just tuck you in.
18:37Mr Sandman's on his way.
18:41We'll soon be in the land of Nod.
18:46It's my back that's gone, Victoria, not my bread.
18:51Well, that's what you used to say to me.
18:53Yes, well, you were four.
18:55I mean, I'm...
18:56I'm...
18:59I'm older.
19:01Do you really remember my saying that, do you?
19:03Oh, yes.
19:04You used to sit on the edge of my bed
19:06reading Puff Puff, the Naughty Steamboat.
19:08Ah, yes.
19:09I wouldn't have minded if you'd read it out loud.
19:15Yes, well, good night, Victoria.
19:18Night-night, Dad.
19:21Ah.
19:31Good evening, madam.
19:32Good evening.
19:35I'm an all-night door-to-door wine salesman.
19:37Come in.
19:38I was wondering if you could have a free sample
19:40in the privacy of your own bedroom.
19:42Well, I won't say no to a little plonk.
19:44Maybe after the wine?
19:46I was going to have a cup of cocoa,
19:48but I used it all in the omelette.
19:50Yes.
19:52We had a terrible night tonight, you know.
19:54I had to even get one of Albert's friends
19:55to help us with the washing up.
19:56Not Dirty Agnes.
19:57I'm afraid so.
19:58You know, she took one look at the bowl of soapy water
19:59and she fled.
20:00Well, she's a boy, sir.
20:01What is his sleeper?
20:02Oh, he's a heavy sleeper, is he?
20:04Oh, well...
20:04And he's not like, you know,
20:06to be woken up by traffic noises,
20:10aircraft overhead, cries of ecstasy.
20:13You'll be lucky.
20:15Oh, I'm dead beat.
20:18Well, Patrick, I shouldn't rule out Dirty Agnes.
20:21Have you ever played Monopoly for five solid hours?
20:24Oh, I missed you tonight.
20:26Do not pass go.
20:27Do not collect 200 pounds.
20:29I'll tell you what, then.
20:31Have a glass of wine.
20:33You think that'll get you anywhere?
20:34Yes.
20:35You know me too well.
20:49Did you really miss me?
20:51Yes.
20:51I see you as my own private little heffalump.
20:54Oh, that's nice.
20:56You know, and it sounds stupid,
20:57but last night,
20:59where I pretended the pillow was you,
21:03didn't quite work out.
21:05Its conversation was far too intelligent.
21:13Victoria?
21:17Victoria?
21:21Victoria?
21:22Victoria?
21:23Victoria?
21:24Victoria?
21:24Victoria?
21:25Victoria?
21:25Victoria?
21:25Victoria?
21:26Victoria?
21:26Victoria?
21:26Victoria?
21:26Victoria?
21:27Victoria?
21:27Victoria?
21:27Victoria?
21:28Victoria?
21:28Victoria?
21:29Victoria?
21:32Victoria?
21:51Oh, my God.
21:57Oh, thank you, David.
22:06Stop that at once
22:09Ah, good evening
22:13I just thought I'd pop in to see if you were feeling better
22:17Victoria, how could you?
22:19And in front of Heffalump too
22:22And on the very bed where I used to read you
22:25Puff Puff the Naughty Steamboat
22:28Oh, now you know that Vicky and I...
22:30Not on that bed
22:31Good Lord
22:32I mean, don't you realise
22:33She actually made that patchwork quilt to get her brownie badge
22:39It's very nice, it's very lovely
22:40I love the colours
22:41Oh, thank you
22:42And five minutes later I turn round and you're about to...
22:45About to...
22:47On it
22:50Young man, I will thank you to leave
22:53Very well, I'll go
22:54Well, I'll come with you
22:55You what?
22:56Well, your back's obviously a lot better
22:58Ah, no
22:59Oh, no
23:00No, no, no
23:01It comes and goes, you know
23:02No, no, I must have someone here to look after me
23:04Oh, of course, you don't want a complete stranger, do you?
23:06What?
23:07Oh, no, no, no
23:08Quite out of the question
23:09You see, I've been thinking about that
23:11Oh
23:11And I have got a suggestion to make
23:13Come in
23:18Here we are, sir
23:22Time for your blanket, Bart
23:23So if you just roll over and...
23:26Oh, whoops
23:28I've enjoyed the clumsy one
23:30I take after me Uncle Michael in that respect
23:34Do they ever tell you about me Uncle Michael?
23:37Dear God
23:38Thank you
23:40Thank you
23:47Thank you
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