- 2 days ago
The subject roasted is William Conrad, formerly radio's Marshal Dillon on Gunsmoke, currently starring on television's Cannon.
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00:00The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.
00:23Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful Siegfeld Room, tonight's star-studded roast has brought together some of the world's greatest entertainers.
00:33They've come from all over the world to be here tonight, here in Las Vegas, in person.
00:40The Man of the Week!
00:44Your Roastmaster, Dean Martin!
00:46And tonight's very special Man of the Week, William Conrad!
01:07Well, tonight, our Man of the Week is Mr. William Conrad, which gives you an idea of the kind of week it's been.
01:16We were originally going to honor Howard Cosell, but he's been confined to bed with a faulty toupee.
01:25We were also considering Mr. Danny Thomas, but he had a little accident.
01:29While taking his daily walk on the water, he was hit by a fishing boat.
01:35However, tonight we're paying tribute to a very fine actor, the star of a great series called Canon,
01:41Canon, which is my favorite detective show, and I'd tell you, last week they had a really thrilling episode.
01:47Canon single-handedly wiped out a whole crime syndicate.
01:51He sat on him.
01:56I don't know whether you know this, but Bill played Matt Dillon on the radio version of Gunsmoke.
02:01It's true, when they made the TV version of Gunsmoke, they couldn't use Bill.
02:04Bill, they had a little problem.
02:06They couldn't fit his horse with a truss.
02:11Even when Bill served in the war as a fighter pilot, he had problems.
02:15He was too heavy.
02:16Once he got in the plane, they couldn't get it off the ground.
02:19He had to drive it to Tokyo.
02:22Boom!
02:23Boom!
02:24There's a lot of friends and admirers who couldn't be here tonight.
02:27However, they sent you telegrams.
02:28I'd like to read some.
02:29This first one is from President Nixon.
02:32Dear Bill, I watch you on Canon every week.
02:35It's how I reassure myself there's no beef shortage in America.
02:41The next one is from the Gay Liberation Movement.
02:43Dear Bill, we just love your show, but of course we admire anyone who always gets his man.
02:52Finally, here's one all the way from Rome, from the Pope himself.
02:58Which translated means, may good fortune ever shine upon you, fatso.
03:11Ladies and gentlemen, a tremendous talent, Miss Phyllis Dillock.
03:25Thank you very much.
03:26And it was so sweet of you to drop in on me the other night so unexpectedly, Dean.
03:32Curse, I'll never know what he was doing on the roof.
03:34Now, we're here tonight to honor William Conrad, better known as Cannon.
03:42And that's because he's always shooting off his mouth.
03:46How would you describe Conrad?
03:48A fat Robert Goulet with mumps.
03:50The only thing thin about him is his hair.
04:00When he runs, it looks like a mattress moving.
04:15When he clears that wonderful voice, it sounds like a motorboat that won't start.
04:20One time, the Coast Guard found him in the Pacific Ocean, and just his head and shoulders were sticking out of the water.
04:28They said, can we help you?
04:29He said, no, I'm on my boat.
04:31Now, this man turned down Gunsmoke on television, and now he has the guts to say that this turkey cannon is going to run five years.
04:52We all know he has guts because they show.
04:54He couldn't have done Gunsmoke, because one time he got on a horse.
04:59It's now a big, hairy pancake.
05:07I've never really met Bill, and I think I want to keep it that way.
05:12Tell us, you were great.
05:28Incidentally, this is the first time I've seen you since you've had your face lifted.
05:31I hope the guy who lifted it doesn't bring it back.
05:34Ladies and gentlemen, Nipsey Russell.
05:49Thank you, Dino.
05:50May I...
05:50Oh, you're going to drink to the...
05:52Yes.
05:52To him.
05:53Well, that's all right.
05:54I know, Dean, if the Ku Klux Klan will buy the booze, you'll drink to slavery.
05:58Bill, we spent the entire week discussing the suave, the great, the gallant detectives in history, and your name never came up.
06:11You see, in the black community, we feel that you are like a mosquito in a nudist camp.
06:17Opportunity everywhere, and you can't figure where to start.
06:19We actually feel that you have usurped a province that is rightfully ours.
06:27All of the legendary private eyes were soul brothers.
06:32Boston Blackie.
06:35How soon you forget.
06:38Sam Spade.
06:42The shadow.
06:49Dude.
06:51Dude.
06:53Hey, you're never going to learn about solving crime.
06:56You'll never become proficient driving through Beverly Hills.
06:59You got to come to Harlem and walk through the hospital zone.
07:03Anywhere you walk in that zone, you wind up in the hospital.
07:07You see, you would never have made the mistake.
07:10You would never have committed that atrocity and judgment that you did in Watts.
07:15What did he do?
07:16He gets out of the car and Watts, looking like a bale of hay with the middle band busted.
07:24Walks over to a soul brother in a dark doorway and throws the black power sign.
07:29He said, right on, brother.
07:32The brother said, put that other hand in the air.
07:34Whitey, this is a sticker.
07:35On the series, Cannon, he's depicted as a man of impeccable intelligence, a man who is quite adept at scientific analysis.
07:54He asked one of the dumbest questions in the annals of crime.
07:59It was at the height of a riot.
08:01He saw a brother coming through the window of a furniture store with a sofa on his back and asked a guy, are you a looter?
08:08He said, no, I'm a psychiatrist on a house call.
08:16I don't wish to belabor that aspect of your talents and aspirations.
08:21He is some singer.
08:23I heard him a few times on the Dean Martin Show last year.
08:26And as a result of his virtuosity, he made a command performance in England.
08:32Got excited and sang, God Save the Weasel and Pop Goes the Queen.
08:36No doubt some of you saw him on the Sonny and Cher show.
08:44And you know the excellence of his musical bass voice.
08:49He is really a basso profondo.
08:53This basso sang a song.
09:02On the Sonny and Cher show.
09:06The song was so sensitive, sad, and appealing that a man in the audience tried to commit suicide while he was singing.
09:15A bullet from the man's gun just missed Bill's head.
09:20He was a pilot.
09:22I guess people don't know that he had his spine fractured in an air accident.
09:26The girl's husband flew in town unexpectedly and fractured his spine.
09:34Well, they say that all detectives suffer with flat feet and I guess they caught his feet in the wrong flat.
09:40But as a foul salute.
09:41You want a minute to work on that?
09:49We need you, Bill.
09:50We need Bill Conrad and we need Cannon.
09:54To catch the criminals and catch the spies.
09:57And keep mischief out of our government.
10:00And keep our government out of mischief.
10:03Some of the most treasured and beautiful things in England are finding their way into our country.
10:21Like the London Bridge and the Queen Mary.
10:24But I think the nicest thing that ever came over is the lady I'm about to introduce.
10:28The beautiful and super talented Miss Petula Clark.
10:30Well, I'm sure some of you may be wondering why I, an English songstress,
10:47am present at a ceremony honoring William Conrad.
10:51The answer you see is very simple.
10:54I'm his mistress.
11:00She's only kidding, honey.
11:13Yes, it's true, you see.
11:14I have been ever since I stole him away from the Supremes.
11:20It's not easy, of course, with him living in Los Angeles and me in London.
11:24We meet once a year in a shack in Bermuda.
11:28Yes, that's where we shack up.
11:30You're telling everything, huh?
11:35Please, it's one of those evenings.
11:37We have such fun together.
11:39Last year, I was a Red Cross nurse and he was a Japanese colonel.
11:50I'm only kidding, of course.
11:52Bill is a truly fine person and devoted husband.
11:55And as much as I regret it, there is no hanky-panky between us.
11:58Oh, we can arrange something.
12:01Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
12:03Thank you, Dean.
12:04And thank you, Colonel Naguchi.
12:05Awesome.
12:06Of course, you've all seen the Bob Newhart show.
12:19It gives the viewers a chance to calm down after the Mary Tyler Moore show.
12:22Ladies and gentlemen, the twinkle in the CBS eye to Sir Bob Newhart.
12:30Mm-hmm.
12:39As is true at most of these roasts, people get up and they say really terrible things about
12:44the guest.
12:45And you might get the idea that the man is an ogre.
12:48And I would like to set some things straight about our guest tonight.
12:52No one has mentioned his distinguished war record.
13:02Unfortunately, he was on the German side, which is probably why no one mentions it.
13:08There have been rumors that he is not a bright man.
13:13There's a story going around.
13:15That's not true.
13:16Well, now, you can deny this.
13:19There's a story going around.
13:21Things were not going that well in the acting profession.
13:23And Bill decided to take a civil service examination.
13:26It was an oral examination.
13:28And he studied for a full year.
13:31And he went before the examiner.
13:32And the examiner's first question was,
13:35what has five fingers is made of leather and you wear on your hand.
13:41And Bill shook his head.
13:46And the examiner said, it's a glove.
13:51Then he presented the second question.
13:53He said, what is made of leather has ten fingers and fits on both hands.
13:58And Bill pondered that for a while.
14:02And finally shook his head.
14:04And the examiner said, two gloves.
14:07Then the examiner said, let's change the category.
14:09We'll go into civics.
14:11Who was president of the United States from 1924 to 1928?
14:15And Bill said, three gloves?
14:35Thank you, Robert.
14:36You know, Bob started as a comedian in Chicago.
14:39When the wind shifted, they didn't know who to blame it on, Bob or the stockyards.
14:43So, now here's a real funny guy.
14:47I'm talking about Jackie Gale.
14:49He was so funny when he, when we roasted Mr. Hugh Hefner that we painted a star on his dressing room door.
14:56Jackie was real happy about it because it covered the word gents.
15:02Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jackie Gale.
15:04Thank you, Dean.
15:13It's really wild.
15:14Distinguished looking man.
15:15I love your mustache.
15:16I swear.
15:17You look like the owner of a chain of Taco Bells.
15:19You're my kind of man.
15:27That's right.
15:28You know, he's a beautiful man.
15:30And there's a conspiracy here against fat people.
15:31There's definitely a conspiracy.
15:33And you know why?
15:33Because they're jealous of us.
15:34Because we enjoy food.
15:35We can enjoy it eight and nine times a day.
15:38What do they got to look forward to?
15:39Love affairs?
15:42That's all.
15:42Love affairs.
15:43And believe me, it's not eight, nine times a day.
15:44It's been 15 minutes since you had a bite.
15:54Relax.
15:54We'll get this.
15:57You're my kind of man.
15:58You're the kind of guy who knows where to get fried chicken after Colonel Sanzas closes.
16:03Knows when I said fried chicken, Nipsey Russell woke up.
16:05I did.
16:07I remember that.
16:08I know that, Nipsey.
16:09Keep going.
16:10You'll punch.
16:10We'll get your own show like Red Fox.
16:11I want you to feel at home.
16:14After the show, you come up to my house.
16:16I got some aspirin bottles you can pick the cotton out of.
16:20I want to tell you.
16:23I always, you know, Nipsey always bug me.
16:27How come when you pull up to a car with black people in it, they got great jazz music on
16:31their radio.
16:31We can't get on our cars.
16:34And we got a lovely lady, Batula Clark.
16:35When I first heard that name, I thought it was a gasoline station.
16:39What do you want?
16:40The Ethel of Batula.
16:40I said, I don't care.
16:41I fill it up.
16:45And she made a record that really bugged me, downtown.
16:48I loved it so much, I took her advice, I went downtown, I got mugged.
16:53You know what he told me about English singers?
16:55The great groups come from England.
16:56The Beatles, the Animals, the Rolling Stones.
16:58They're born in Liverpool, Blackpool, London.
16:59They come here, they sing contemporary American songs.
17:02Mugged, don't miss a sip of chocolate, don't need a greater gold, damn it.
17:05Thank you very much.
17:06It's a pleasure being here.
17:08It mixes you up.
17:10And of course, we've got Phyllis Diller.
17:15I love Phyllis Diller.
17:16And I love your laugh, Phyllis.
17:18When you laugh, wild geese all over the world are changing directions.
17:20And I want to say now, getting hot, team.
17:27We're getting hot, baby.
17:28We got them, girl.
17:29I'll get them back for you.
17:31I'll get them back.
17:33That's right, Phyllis.
17:34I hear all I talk about the facelift.
17:35It's not true she didn't have a new facelift.
17:37She had the old one ironed.
17:38And I love that commercial.
17:42We've all seen that commercial, Phyllis, where you say milk gives you elasticity.
17:46What kind of commercial?
17:47I can't believe that.
17:49Elasticity.
17:49I've yet to see a glass of milk hold up a pair of old jockey shorts.
17:52And of course, we've got Bob Newhart.
17:58Bob, it's good to have you back on television.
18:00I mean that.
18:01We haven't had that much excitement since Ozzie Nelson left.
18:07That show.
18:08Did you watch that show, Dean?
18:09Bob, if you watch his show, great dialogue.
18:12Hi, honey, I'm home.
18:13Any calls?
18:15Not anybody can handle that kind of dialogue.
18:17Your show should get an Emmy for yawning.
18:19And his home life's not that much more exciting either.
18:23The other day, a peeping Tom looked through his window and fell asleep.
18:30And I know Bob tells everybody he's a modest man.
18:32He's quite...
18:33And believe me, underneath all, that's a vain man.
18:36Believe me, he's a vain man.
18:37He's got four children, all named Bob Jr.
18:40And two of them are girls.
18:43But enough of putting down everybody.
18:44We came here to pay tribute to this wonderful man.
18:47Everybody thinks that this man is just an actor.
18:48This man was a great director.
18:50You know what kind of movies he gave us?
18:51He directed a picture called Two on a Guillotine.
18:53Remember that, Biggie?
18:54Two on a Guillotine.
18:55You forgot it already, Dean.
18:57Then he gave us another big one you all remember.
18:59Brainstorm.
19:00How about that one?
19:02Everybody forgot Brainstorm.
19:04And the big one, My Blood Runs Cold.
19:06Which the Academy Award gave you an award for.
19:08Yuck.
19:10I know a lot of people are saying here,
19:12Why do we honor Bill?
19:15And I say to you,
19:16I don't know.
19:17But in conclusion, I would like to say,
19:21This is a great man,
19:22Because you don't understand about it,
19:23This man spent many years at Warner Brothers,
19:25Where he made 40 movies,
19:26200 television shows,
19:28And a couple of starlets.
19:33And I want to say,
19:34And I would like to say in conclusion, Bill,
19:38And I mean this from the bottom of my heart,
19:40You're a great actor, a great star,
19:41And fat is beautiful.
19:44Right on!
19:45Thank you!
19:50Now it's my pleasure to introduce our guest of honor,
19:53Christopher Conrad.
19:54Before I present our award to Bill,
20:03I'd like you to know that we're paying him thousands of dollars to be here tonight,
20:20And it's really a bargain,
20:22Because it works out to about $1.49 a pound.
20:26Bill, this plaque is for you,
20:27And it's inscribed to Dean Martin Comedy,
20:29Our Man of the Week Award,
20:31Presentative William Conrad.
20:33Thank you very much,
20:34That's okay.
20:43Uh, really, I, I'm so pleased to have been asked to come here this evening.
20:50As you know,
20:50I'm, I'm not used to telling jokes in public.
20:57And it's obvious that nobody else around here is either.
21:07But I'm really glad you showed up tonight, Dean.
21:10I hate to deter you away from your New Year's Eve party.
21:23Now about Nipsey Russell.
21:27I'd like to thank you, Nipsey.
21:29As you know, Nipsey has always been behind civil rights.
21:32Yes, sir.
21:33About 10 years behind.
21:34Oh!
21:37Nipsey's really done a lot for the movement.
21:40He makes Step and Fetch it look militant.
21:42And I was really surprised seeing Jackie Gale here tonight, considering he wasn't invited.
21:54And of course, you all know Mr. Bob Newhart.
21:59Carol Burnett's warm-up.
22:03Bob used to be an accountant, and from what I hear at CBS,
22:06it's sure a good thing that you've got something to fall back on.
22:15So, thank you, one and all.
22:18And borrowing a phrase from Maude, I'd just like to say,
22:22God'll get you for this!
22:24I want to thank my guests tonight, and especially the guest of honor,
22:38our Man of the Week, Bill Conrad.
22:41Everybody thinks Bill is terrific in canon,
22:43because every week he knocks off a case.
22:46But that's nothing.
22:46I knock off three.
22:49Bill is starting a new paper.
22:51Well, he's going to track down the guy who wrote his speech tonight.
22:55Good luck, everybody.
22:56I'm on my way home, Catherine.
22:57Warm up the hot chocolate.
23:21I'm on my way home, I'm on my way home, I'm on my way home, I'm on my way home, I'm on my way home, I'm on my way home, I'm on my way home, I'm on my way home, I'm on my way home, I'm on my way home, I'm on my way home, I'm on my way home, I'm on my way home, I'm on my way home, I'm on my way home, I'm on my way home, I'm on my way home, I'm on my way home, I'm on my way home, I'm on my way home, I'm on my way home, I'm on my way home, I'm on my way home, I'm on my way home, I'm on my way home, I'm on my way home, I'm on my way home, I'm on my way home, I'm on my way home, I'm on my way home, I'm on my way home, I'm on my
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