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"The Dean Martin Show" Celebrity Roast: Carroll O'Connor
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00:00Ladies and gentlemen, the Dean Martin Comedy Hour presents a special one-hour roast with
00:12tonight's guests, Dan Rowan and Dick Martin, Gene Kelly, Joey Bishop, John Rickles,
00:30Robert Wood, President of CBS Television, Mike Connors, Red Fox, Marty Allen, Cass Elliot,
00:55Nipsey Russell, Norm Crosby, and your roast master, Dean Martin, and tonight's very special
01:12man of the week, Darryl O'Connor.
01:45We had two disappointments tonight.
01:49Bob Hope couldn't make it, and Carol O'Connor could.
01:55We always try to get names for an evening like this, and as soon as we announced we were honoring
02:01Carol O'Connor, the names started pouring in.
02:05They called him every name in the book.
02:07And I'm not saying Carol was unpopular.
02:12All I know is when he moved into Beverly Hills, five colored families moved out.
02:17But in spite of his image, this man is all heart.
02:27Every summer, he goes into the ghetto, picks out the poorest family, takes them to a meadow
02:33in the country, and leaves them there.
02:35And at Christmas time, he's been known to bring a group of poor black kids into his house to
02:43serve the turkey and wash the dishes.
02:49What mile has this man gotten out of all in the family?
02:52He goes right on.
02:57He's got Archie Bunker.
02:59I don't wait.
02:59I only got an hour.
03:02Oh, he's got Archie Bunker T-shirts, Archie Bunker lunchboxes, records.
03:08And now he's opening a chain of restaurants serving bigot burgers.
03:15Let's face it, there's only one Carol O'Connor, and that's Jackie Gleason.
03:21Dan Rowan and Dick Martin are two beautiful guys.
03:25They've been together a long time.
03:27As a matter of fact, it was 25 years ago today that they teamed up and got their first laugh.
03:33Tonight, they'll be trying for their second one.
03:35Ladies and gentlemen, Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
03:49Hey!
03:50Hey!
03:53Who was that strange?
03:54Who was that masked man?
03:56I don't know who he was.
03:58Listen, we're very happy to be here to pay tribute to the star of all in the family.
04:03Indeed we are.
04:04Yes.
04:04He's a big star, too.
04:05Carol O'Connor?
04:06Carol O'Connor is a big star.
04:07He's one of the biggest stars on television.
04:09No, how did you know that?
04:10I asked him and he told me.
04:11He told me.
04:12You know that all in the family is setting such records.
04:15It is probably the biggest show the TV industry has ever seen.
04:20Bigger than Turn On?
04:24A lot of people realize another thing about Carol.
04:27He's a great humanitarian.
04:29Ah, that doesn't surprise me at all.
04:30It doesn't surprise you.
04:31Well, it surprised a lot of other people.
04:33And it says so, right?
04:36We're like Dean.
04:37We just keep going.
04:39Do you know that every Christmas Eve, Carol O'Connor goes to some of this city's finest restaurants,
04:47orders a hundred menus.
04:48And sends them to the poor people.
04:50Right.
04:52Sends the menus to the poor people.
04:59And then he goes back and get more menus.
05:01That's all right.
05:01That's all right.
05:03I won't give up.
05:04Wait a minute.
05:04Do you want to talk about Easter?
05:07Oh!
05:08Okay.
05:08I love Easter.
05:09Every Easter, he calls all the children in the neighborhood over to his front lawn for
05:18an egg roll.
05:19And he lets the kids watch him eat it, right?
05:21Yeah.
05:22What are you yelling for?
05:24I don't know.
05:25I think if you're not going good, just talk higher.
05:27No.
05:27I wasn't born every minute.
05:34All right.
05:39We're talking about, you know, all the terrible things that he says on that television show
05:44about black people.
05:45Yes.
05:46You know.
05:46He means every word of it.
05:47No, no.
05:49All contraire.
05:53No, the real Carol O'Connor loves black people.
05:57Yeah.
05:57Yes, he does.
05:58He does.
05:58Next card, please.
05:59Uh-huh.
06:02No, he loves black people.
06:04And if his wife ever finds out, no.
06:07And he's also always kidding about the Jews.
06:10He loves black people.
06:11He loves black people and he loves Jews?
06:12That's right.
06:12He must be crazy about Sammy Davis Jr.
06:14Yeah, well, he's...
06:15Well, the thing is that no matter what he says on television, that does not truly reflect
06:20the opinion of the man himself.
06:21Because the man himself is really...
06:22So you should say something nice about Carol O'Connor.
06:24I love Carol O'Connor.
06:25Of course you do.
06:26He's one of my best friends, as a matter of fact.
06:28A man could find no better friend on earth than Carol O'Connor.
06:31Well, if you have something like that to say about some guy, don't...
06:35Don't say it to the cameras.
06:36Say it to the man himself.
06:38You're kidding.
06:38All right.
06:39Carol, I love you.
06:40You're just...
06:41They were kind of yelling, weren't they?
06:59I just said that.
07:00Wait, I understand they're going to revive laughing.
07:04It should have been revived while it was on.
07:06I'm rolling again.
07:11You're throwing up, Gene?
07:16I would like you to meet a man who's an old friend of Carol's from 30 years ago.
07:23He and Carol used to work together as longshoremen on the docks of New York City.
07:27And we've flown him out here tonight to surprise our man of the week.
07:32Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Joe Kowalski.
07:34Hiya, boss.
07:51You know, Mr. O'Connor was my foreman down at the shipyard.
07:55And he got the job over all the rest of us because he had the most education.
07:59He had the most experience.
08:01And he knew where to get the boss abroad.
08:04That Mr. O'Connor is a real tough egg, boy.
08:14One night we went in the saloon.
08:16He got in an argument with a guy.
08:18And the guy takes the back of his hand and hits him and says,
08:20That's a chop from Kung Fu.
08:23And Mr. O'Connor pulls something out of his pocket,
08:26hits the guy on the head,
08:28and says,
08:28And that's a crowbar from Midas Muffler.
08:30I'll never forget all us guys on that crew.
08:40We went to see him in that movie, Cleopatra.
08:42And the first time he walked on the screen,
08:44we said,
08:45And he said,
08:46Hail Caesar!
08:47And we said,
08:48That ain't our Mr. O'Connor.
08:50Then he started running around Rome in a funny-looking robe.
08:53And we said,
08:54That ain't our Mr. O'Connor.
08:57But then all of a sudden,
08:58he turned around and stabbed his boss right in the back.
09:01And we all said,
09:02Now that's our Mr. O'Connor.
09:12Good luck, Kyle.
09:13Ladies and gentlemen,
09:22Mike Connors!
09:29You know,
09:30my good friend,
09:31Carol O'Connor,
09:32is quite an actor.
09:34Every week on television,
09:35he plays a part of a bigot.
09:37But in real life,
09:39he's the complete opposite.
09:40Really,
09:41take it from me.
09:41He's a man
09:42who strongly believes in equality and brotherhood.
09:46In fact,
09:47Carol's whole family
09:48has always been completely devoid
09:50of any racial prejudice.
09:53As a matter of fact,
09:53I thought you might like to see some pictures of his family.
09:56Here's a picture of his grandfather.
10:01This
10:02is a picture of his grandmother.
10:06And
10:07this is a picture of one of his children.
10:11He told me to love you,
10:15Carol.
10:23We have
10:23with us tonight
10:25someone who was a great influence
10:27on your early life,
10:29Carol.
10:29It's your third grade teacher
10:31from PS
10:3276.
10:35I know where I am.
10:37From PS 76
10:38in New York City,
10:40Miss Elsie Birdwell.
10:41Miss Elsie Birdwell.
10:52Carol was always one of my best students.
10:55And I like to feel
10:58that I had something to do
11:00with his success
11:01in later life.
11:03I have something
11:04here that you might be interested
11:06in seeing.
11:08It's
11:08an arithmetic problem
11:10that I gave
11:11to Carol's
11:12third grade class.
11:14Carol
11:15was the only one
11:17who got
11:18a hundred.
11:19This was the question.
11:22A subway train
11:24pulled into a station
11:26with 93 passengers.
11:28When the doors opened,
11:30the following got off.
11:32Seventeen Polacks,
11:33nine Spicks,
11:34and three Jungle Bunnies.
11:36And the following got on.
11:44Twenty-eight heaps,
11:45sixteen crowds,
11:47twelve chinks,
11:48five spaghetti benders,
11:49and a commie kinko rat.
11:58How many people
11:59were left on the train?
12:03And here,
12:04in his own
12:06little handwriting,
12:08Carol wrote down
12:09the correct answer.
12:11There would be
12:12exactly
12:13nineteen fags left.
12:31Ladies and gentlemen,
12:32Mr. Norm Crosby.
12:34Carol O'Connor
12:48is absolutely
12:49nothing like
12:50the character
12:50Archie Bunker
12:51he portrays
12:52on television.
12:54Carol is an educated man,
12:55a man of stigma
12:56and depth.
12:59He comes from
13:00an upper-class family
13:01and early in life,
13:02his father
13:03taught Carol
13:04the basic principle
13:06that has determined
13:06his entire personality.
13:08When he was
13:09seven years old,
13:10his father
13:11took him out
13:12in the backyard,
13:12made him climb
13:13a high ladder
13:14and told him
13:14to jump.
13:16And Carol said,
13:17no, no, father,
13:18I will hurt myself.
13:20And his father said,
13:21I'm your father
13:22and I say jump.
13:23And he jumped.
13:25Broke his hip,
13:26one arm,
13:27and both legs.
13:28And his father
13:29looked out at him
13:30and said,
13:30that's your first lesson.
13:32Don't trust nobody.
13:37That is why
13:43to this very day,
13:45Carol O'Connor
13:45is very deceptive
13:46about all kinds of people.
13:48As a matter of fact,
13:49he has
13:50extra-sensible reception.
13:51It was discovered
13:53in Europe
13:54during the Olympic Games
13:55when he was standing
13:57next to a tall,
13:58thin athlete
13:58and Carol said,
14:00are you a pole vaulter?
14:02And the man said,
14:03no,
14:03I'm Ukrainian.
14:09But how did you know
14:10my name was Walter?
14:15I guess,
14:16I guess it's pretty obvious
14:19that I am here tonight
14:20to make the rest
14:22of the panel
14:22look strong.
14:29Few people know it.
14:31And good.
14:32Few people know it.
14:34But it was the great
14:36dramatic teacher
14:37Stanislavski
14:38who first inspired
14:39in Carol
14:40his complete
14:41and total dedication
14:42to the theater.
14:44They were coming
14:44out of an acting class
14:46at the Abbey Theater
14:47in London.
14:48Settle down.
14:50When an actress
14:52grabbed Stanislavski's arm
14:54and screamed,
14:56I would like to break
14:56off your arm
14:57and eat it.
14:59Another actress
15:00grabbed him
15:00by the leg
15:01and shouted,
15:02I would like to
15:02break off your leg
15:04and eat it.
15:06That's great.
15:07A third actress
15:08rushed up
15:09and said,
15:10Maestro,
15:11I would like to
15:12stab you with a dagger
15:13and drink your blood.
15:15and Stanislavski
15:16turned to Carol
15:17and explained,
15:19learn my pupil.
15:20To break off
15:21an arm
15:22and eat it,
15:22this for my pupils
15:23I would allow.
15:24To break off
15:25my leg
15:25and eat it,
15:26this too
15:26I would allow.
15:28But stick me
15:29for the drinks?
15:29This is one of the
15:40nicest dingbats
15:41I know.
15:54Here's a surprise
15:55for you, Carol.
15:56One of your dearest pals
15:57back east
15:58wants to say
15:58a few words to you.
16:00His honor,
16:01the mayor
16:01of New York City,
16:02John Lindsay.
16:05Few people know
16:06of the invaluable
16:07contributions
16:08that Carol O'Connor
16:09has made
16:09to our city.
16:11He's helped
16:11decrease air pollution,
16:13he's assisted
16:13with our overpopulation
16:15problem,
16:15and he's contributed
16:16mightily
16:17to the establishment
16:18of better communications
16:19among groups.
16:20He's accomplished
16:21all this for New York
16:22by the simple expedient
16:24of moving to California.
16:28But I don't feel
16:29like we've lost
16:30a great actor.
16:31I consider
16:32that we've gained
16:32a parking space.
16:36Carol is well
16:37remembered here
16:38along Broadway.
16:39In recognition
16:40of his long
16:41distinguished theatrical
16:42career,
16:43Actors' Equity
16:44plans to install
16:45a bronze star
16:46in concrete,
16:47marking his regular
16:48spot in the
16:49unemployment line.
16:50independent citizen
16:54groups here
16:55have indicated
16:56interest in
16:57memorializing
16:57this great actor,
16:58too.
16:59Why, just today
17:00I received a petition
17:01to erect a statue
17:02to Carol in Central Park.
17:05The pigeons
17:05have already
17:06enthusiastically
17:07endorsed the idea.
17:11With warm affection
17:12and admiration,
17:14I salute my buddy,
17:16Carol O'Connor.
17:17In the words
17:18of Archie himself.
17:21Congratulations,
17:23meathead.
17:29The guy
17:30who's offered
17:31the president
17:31of the Carol
17:33O'Connor
17:33fan club.
17:35When the Supreme
17:49Court said
17:50integrate,
17:51they meant
17:51everything.
17:53Everybody has
17:54a great ambition.
17:55We want to be
17:56singers, dancers,
17:57writers, and musicians.
17:59I just want to be
17:59a mule somewhere
18:01in the clover
18:01and catch Archie
18:03Bunker
18:03bending over.
18:04I was talking to him
18:11before we came on
18:13and I said,
18:14what do you think
18:15about politics?
18:16Can a black man
18:17ever become president?
18:19He said, yes,
18:20if he runs
18:21against a Mexican.
18:22I said, don't you think
18:30that we should take
18:32our rightful place
18:33in society?
18:34He said,
18:34your rightful place
18:35is in the rhythm
18:36section of the band.
18:37when the minorities
18:44integrated his church,
18:46he was heard
18:47to ask the question,
18:49how long
18:50can you legally
18:50hold one of these
18:51birds underwater
18:52when you're baptized?
18:52he was the man
19:03who said
19:04that there should
19:05be no black
19:06astronauts.
19:07He said,
19:08you can't get
19:08ham hocks
19:09in those little tubes
19:10you get out of.
19:13First thing you know,
19:14the guys will be
19:15riding with the top
19:16downs
19:16and playing
19:16the radio
19:17too loud.
19:25And so I say
19:26to you
19:26from all the people
19:27in all the black
19:28neighborhoods
19:28in the world,
19:29may you have
19:31a winter,
19:32a cold winter
19:33with long legs
19:34and a short blanket.
19:42Thank you,
19:43Nick Sir Russell.
19:46The KKK
19:47is going to
19:48roast Nipsey
19:49next week
19:49and I mean
19:51roast.
19:54With readings
19:55from the wit
19:56and wisdom
19:57of Archie Bunker
19:58comes Mr. Gene
19:59Kelly.
20:12It took many
20:13months to
20:14to get
20:18these readings
20:19together.
20:21That's very
20:22serious.
20:25And I quote,
20:27well,
20:29there goes
20:30the neighborhood.
20:34I don't understand
20:35those race riots.
20:37You bring them
20:38blacks over here
20:38in chains,
20:39you give them
20:40jobs picking
20:40cotton,
20:41and this is
20:42the thanks
20:42you get.
20:49Pollocks
20:50come by
20:50their dumbness
20:51honestly.
20:52They're like
20:52you're out
20:53of town
20:53tourists.
20:54They go
20:55in a massage
20:55parlor
20:56and actually
20:57expect to
20:58get a massage.
20:58Now,
20:58that's like that.
21:04All right,
21:05little girl,
21:06I don't want
21:06to hear no more
21:07about family
21:07planning.
21:08Just find
21:08your pills
21:09and cues.
21:13Listen,
21:14dingbat,
21:15the movie
21:15rating system
21:16is as simple
21:16as A to Z.
21:18In a G-rated
21:19movie,
21:19the hero
21:20gets the girl.
21:21In your R-rated
21:22film,
21:23the villain
21:24gets the girl.
21:25And in the X,
21:27everybody gets
21:28the girl.
21:34Thank you,
21:35dearie.
21:35Thanks for that.
21:36And that's the
21:37wizard of
21:37Carl.
21:38Thank you,
21:38very much.
21:50There's a young
21:50man,
21:51your parish
21:52priest,
21:53Father Michael
21:54Donahue.
22:06First of all,
22:08first of all,
22:10I would like
22:12to see you
22:13convert,
22:13Don.
22:14Give the Jews
22:15a break.
22:20Dean,
22:21I never heard
22:22you sing better.
22:24Well,
22:27thank Lev Fox
22:28for coming
22:28to services
22:29last week.
22:31Now,
22:31if you just
22:32bring back
22:33the silver
22:33candlesticks,
22:34we'd be
22:34beholden.
22:39I know
22:40Carol O'Connor
22:40probably better
22:41than any other
22:42living soul.
22:43For sure.
22:44You have no
22:45lines on my
22:46cards.
22:52If you had
22:52any talent,
22:53would we be
22:53honoring you?
22:54every week,
22:58we've got to
22:58help somebody
22:59with a
22:59comeback.
23:11Next week,
23:12it'll probably
23:12be Sinatra.
23:16I hear
23:16Carol's
23:17confession
23:18every week.
23:18however,
23:20because of
23:21the seal
23:21of confession,
23:22I'm not
23:23allowed to
23:23reveal what
23:24I know.
23:25Oh,
23:26no.
23:29If you
23:30offered me
23:30a few
23:30dollars,
23:31I wish I could,
23:35but I cannot.
23:36I cannot tell you
23:37about Carol's
23:37experience with
23:38the albino.
23:39the albino.
23:43The whip
23:44in the bottle
23:44of wild
23:45root
23:45cream
23:45oil.
23:49You can laugh,
23:49Gene,
23:50I laugh
23:50when you
23:50dance.
23:51Oh,
23:55the cockeyed
23:56dwarf he
23:57picked up
23:57one night
23:58in Laurel
23:59Canyon.
24:01I can't
24:02even tell you
24:02about his
24:03escapade with
24:03the Eskimo
24:04princess and
24:05the antique
24:05chandelier.
24:08Although I
24:09suppose it
24:09wouldn't be
24:10breaking my
24:10vow to tell
24:11you it did
24:11cost him
24:12almost 400
24:12Hail Marys.
24:13Carol is
24:19the only
24:19member of
24:19my parish
24:20who had
24:20to get
24:21his rosary
24:21beads
24:22recapped.
24:26Boy,
24:26that gentile
24:27human gets
24:27big laughs,
24:28don't he?
24:30I wish I
24:31could tell you
24:31some of the
24:32things Carol
24:32has confessed
24:33to me,
24:33but the only
24:34person I can
24:35tell them to
24:35is the bishop,
24:37just as the
24:37only person
24:38the bishop
24:38can tell them
24:38to is the
24:39cardinal,
24:40and the only
24:40person the
24:41cardinal can
24:41tell them to
24:41is the pope.
24:43You see,
24:43in the church,
24:44we too have
24:45to keep
24:45things all
24:46in the family.
24:58Well,
24:58Mr. Joe,
24:59this way.
25:04Now,
25:05we're very
25:06honored to
25:06have with us
25:07the man who
25:07actually made
25:09the decision
25:10to put all
25:11in the family
25:11on the air,
25:12the president
25:13of the CBS
25:14television network,
25:15Mr. Robert
25:16Wood.
25:17Even though
25:17Mr. Wood
25:18is the president
25:18of a rival
25:19network,
25:20the brass here
25:21at NBC
25:22sent a large
25:23basket of fruit
25:24to his dressing
25:24room.
25:25Lucky for him,
25:26he wasn't in it
25:27when it exploded.
25:29Ladies and gentlemen,
25:29Mr. Bob Wood.
25:30Well, thank you,
25:47Dean,
25:47and incidentally,
25:48I'd like to thank
25:49everybody here
25:50at NBC.
25:51You know,
25:52as Don Rickles
25:54knows,
25:55doing a comedy show
25:56is very,
25:56very difficult.
25:57And increasingly,
26:11our audiences
26:12are becoming
26:13more and more
26:13demanding.
26:14So if a comedy show,
26:16or for that matter,
26:17even a show
26:17like yours,
26:18Dean,
26:19should get dull,
26:24just even for a
26:25second or two,
26:27audiences instinctively
26:29defect to competing
26:31channels.
26:32So with that in mind,
26:33I'd like to start
26:35my tribute off
26:36tonight to Carol O'Connor
26:37by offering you
26:37a dramatic reading
26:38of the Czechoslovakian
26:40Constitution.
26:48I suppose this is
26:49the perfect time
26:50to say that there's
26:51a wonderful movie
26:53playing right now
26:54on CBS.
27:02Now, Carol,
27:03if you're wondering
27:03why I haven't
27:04addressed myself
27:05to you...
27:06It crossed my mind,
27:08yes, it did.
27:10...to not the biggest
27:11star on the CBS
27:12television network.
27:14Well,
27:15even NBC's
27:16not that dumb.
27:17Thank you very much.
27:23Carol,
27:28there's a lot
27:29of your friends
27:29and admirers
27:30who couldn't
27:31be here tonight,
27:32but some of them
27:33have recorded
27:34messages on videotape
27:35and we'd like
27:36to play them
27:37for you now.
27:38Don't worry,
27:38Carol.
27:39No matter
27:39how hard they try,
27:40they'll never
27:41really roast you.
27:42With your pot,
27:43you'll never fit
27:44in the oven.
27:46Hi, Carol.
27:46I just wanted
27:48to tell you
27:48how much I enjoy
27:49you all in the family.
27:52You know something?
27:53You're almost
27:53as good as you
27:54used to be
27:55with Art Carney
27:56and Audrey Meadows
27:57on the Honeymooners.
27:59Hi, Carol.
28:00As a fellow
28:01son of Aaron,
28:01I can't tell you
28:02how proud I am
28:03of you.
28:04Thanks to your
28:04program,
28:05Americans of all
28:06ethnic backgrounds,
28:07Poles, Germans,
28:08Blacks, Jews,
28:09Italians,
28:10Puerto Ricans,
28:10are all united
28:11now with one
28:12common purpose,
28:14to get the Irish.
28:16Hi, Carol.
28:18Gene Stapleton
28:19and Sally Struthers
28:19asked me to tell you
28:21they're terribly sorry
28:22but they can't
28:22be with you tonight.
28:23But they were invited
28:24to an orgy
28:25at Norman Lear's house.
28:28Hello, Carol.
28:29My sisters and I
28:30were watching
28:30your program last week
28:32and we thought
28:33you looked very familiar.
28:34Tell me, darling,
28:36were you ever married
28:36to one of us?
28:39Carol O'Connor,
28:41how much do I owe thee?
28:43I want the whole world
28:45to know that you're
28:46the man responsible
28:47for what I am today,
28:49pregnant.
29:02And now, Carol,
29:04here to pay tribute
29:05to you is the very
29:06distinguished senator
29:07from the state
29:07of Arizona,
29:09ladies and gentlemen,
29:10Senator Barry Goldwater.
29:16Thank you, Dean,
29:25and members of the dais.
29:27Carol,
29:28I've never heard
29:30so many nasty things
29:31said about a man
29:32who wasn't running
29:33for anything.
29:35Actually,
29:36your Archie Bunker character
29:38might have a great career
29:39in politics.
29:40He's in the middle
29:40of the road.
29:42That is,
29:43a little to the left
29:44of Attila the Hun.
29:52And just a bit
29:54to the right
29:54of Little Orphan Annie.
29:58Archie Bunker's
29:59distinctive way
30:00of speaking
30:00would be an enormous
30:01asset in politics.
30:03He already sounds
30:04like he's talking
30:05out of both sides
30:06of his mouth.
30:07And Carol O'Connor
30:13himself
30:13has some
30:15of the outstanding
30:15qualities of our
30:16greatest statesmen.
30:18George Washington,
30:20Abraham Lincoln,
30:21and Richard Nixon.
30:23That is to say,
30:25he has bad teeth.
30:34His clothes
30:35don't fit.
30:38And he has to shave
30:39three times a day.
30:47But, Carol,
30:49I'd like to thank
30:50your Archie Bunker
30:51for his support
30:52in my last campaign.
30:54And I want you to know
30:56that I'm still optimistic.
30:58There's always an opening
31:00for someone
31:00with presidential aspirations.
31:02If not here,
31:04then in South America.
31:18Cass Elliot
31:19is truly a great
31:20entertainer.
31:20I love that girl.
31:22I wouldn't say
31:22she's fat,
31:24but from the front,
31:25she looks like
31:25Carol O'Connor
31:26from the back.
31:28Holy kidding.
31:29Ladies and gentlemen,
31:30the lovely
31:30Miss Cass Elliot.
31:31You might have noticed
31:42that I'm the only woman
31:43on this dais.
31:44They invited other women,
31:45but I'm the only one
31:46that showed up.
31:47Frankly, Carol,
31:51the women of America
31:52are fed up.
31:54You've insulted,
31:56ridiculed,
31:56and demeaned our sex
31:57every week on your show,
31:58and all in the family
31:59is supposed to be
32:00the show that
32:00champions civil rights.
32:03You big phony.
32:04Only once,
32:05only once
32:05did you ever
32:06open the car door
32:06for Edith,
32:07and you were going
32:0860 on the freeway.
32:11And all the years
32:12you've been married
32:13to Edith,
32:13you never took her
32:14anywhere,
32:14except to the hospital
32:15to have the baby,
32:15and you made her drive.
32:16What is that?
32:19You're nothing
32:19but a male chauvinist.
32:20You never dress
32:21for dinner.
32:21You always come
32:22to the dinner table
32:23in your T-shirt.
32:24Couldn't you put
32:24on your shorts?
32:27So,
32:29Carol,
32:29tonight,
32:30on behalf
32:30of the women
32:31everywhere,
32:31I would like
32:32to present you
32:32with the first
32:34annual Male
32:35Chauvinist Pig Award.
32:36And here it is,
32:38the pig.
32:38Thank you, Cass.
32:53The other night...
32:55Will you please
32:55tell the president
32:56of CBS,
32:57if he don't keep
32:57his hand out
32:58of my peanuts,
32:58I'll kill him.
32:59The other night
33:04I called Red Fox
33:06and I said,
33:08we're roasting
33:09Carol O'Connor.
33:10Would you like
33:11to come?
33:11He said,
33:12I'd be delighted.
33:13I'll even bring
33:14the matches.
33:16And there,
33:16Mr. Red Fox.
33:17It's a pleasure
33:33to be here tonight
33:34with someone
33:35who is also
33:37not a credit
33:37to his race.
33:44Contrary to
33:45what you have
33:46been believing
33:47in your lifetime
33:48because you
33:49wanted to be fair.
33:52Niggas do
33:52care nice.
34:05Thank you,
34:06Dean.
34:07You know,
34:08Carol O'Connor
34:08and I
34:09have slightly
34:10different backgrounds.
34:12His weighs
34:13about 35 pounds
34:14more than mine.
34:17However,
34:19though,
34:19I'm very fond
34:21of Carol personally
34:21and I have
34:22a great respect
34:22for him
34:23as an actor
34:23and so I'd like
34:25to take this
34:26opportunity
34:26to deny
34:27a false
34:27and very
34:28vicious rumor
34:29that's been going
34:30around about Carol.
34:32Ladies and gentlemen,
34:32I want to personally
34:33assure you,
34:35no matter
34:36what you have
34:37heard,
34:38Carol O'Connor
34:39is not gay.
34:47That killed all
34:48my dates
34:49for next week.
34:52Who is that?
34:56I'm black,
34:57but I got
34:57some nigga friends
34:58up there.
35:01Carol is strictly
35:02a man's man.
35:04Wait a minute,
35:04let me rephrase that.
35:05What I mean
35:07is Carol
35:08is 100%
35:09masculine.
35:12I had it
35:13on sworn
35:13solemn
35:15word
35:16of the producer
35:16of his show,
35:18Norman Queer,
35:18A'Lear.
35:22You must assume
35:23that a man
35:24is in any way
35:25effeminate
35:26just because
35:27he happens
35:27to have
35:28a girl's name.
35:30You know
35:30what I mean,
35:31Gene?
35:31Catherine!
35:32Catherine!
35:32Catherine!
35:35It's terrible
35:39the way
35:39these stories
35:39get started.
35:40Apparently,
35:41what happened
35:42was,
35:43see,
35:43Carol was
35:43doing a show
35:44a few years
35:45back with
35:45Liberace.
35:46And one day
35:47they were just
35:47sitting around
35:48in rehearsal
35:49and Liberace
35:50offered Carol
35:51an apple.
35:53And,
35:53uh,
35:54Liberace
35:55said,
35:56and Carol
35:58said,
35:58yes.
36:01And
36:01that's how
36:02the rumor
36:03was born.
36:04So,
36:05I want to
36:06assure you,
36:07assure you all,
36:10I gotta take
36:10that out.
36:11We're going
36:11back over it
36:12because I only
36:12say,
36:12like,
36:12you all.
36:14It's,
36:14I want to
36:15assure all
36:16of you.
36:23Well,
36:23O'Connor
36:24is a fine
36:24and generous
36:25man.
36:26Who would
36:26give you
36:27the skirt off,
36:28I mean,
36:29the shirt off
36:29his back.
36:31He's a
36:31wonderful person,
36:32terrific actor.
36:33He can play
36:33comedy and
36:34he can play
36:35drama.
36:36He goes
36:36both ways.
36:37Wait a minute.
36:39Let me rephrase
36:40that.
36:41Better still,
36:42I better go
36:43and sit down.
36:43Thanks an awful
36:44lot.
36:45Thanks,
37:01Red.
37:02Well,
37:03I don't know
37:04what can
37:05follow that
37:05except
37:06Don Rickles.
37:08Ladies and
37:08gentlemen,
37:09Mr.
37:09Don Rickles.
37:09Mr.
37:24Chairman,
37:25first to start
37:27off with,
37:28Red Fox,
37:29you're a black
37:29man and you're
37:30a credit to your
37:30race.
37:31Black or white,
37:32it doesn't matter
37:33to me as long
37:34as you don't
37:34try to hang
37:35around with me.
37:40Now is that
37:41right off the bat,
37:43now red nose,
37:44now, hey baby,
37:45the chairman is in
37:46charge.
37:47The chairman of
37:49the moose hall
37:49is in charge.
37:51When the black
37:51man wants to
37:52stand, he will
37:53ask the Jew
37:53with courtesy.
37:56I feel the same
37:57way.
38:02Doesn't matter,
38:03the black men
38:04you can see by
38:05the seating,
38:05their position.
38:08Hey, why are we
38:09getting into a
38:10race riot while
38:11we're doing a
38:11show here?
38:13The whole audience
38:14in the back is
38:14going, they're
38:15going to be a
38:15race riot.
38:17Come on,
38:17Neroi, let's
38:18get in our car
38:19and run over
38:20a few people.
38:21I'm just trying
38:22to be entertaining
38:23and it turned out
38:23to be a race.
38:24Sit down, you
38:25Italian.
38:29Gene Kelly just
38:30stood up.
38:30God bless him.
38:31He's a wonderful
38:32guy.
38:32But singing in the
38:33rain is over.
38:36No, Gene's a
38:37great man, 92,
38:38to stand with
38:39Frank Sinatra
38:40and go,
38:40singin' in the rain.
38:43You people see
38:44it on camera
38:44as I talk to you
38:45and then they
38:46go backstage
38:46and go,
38:47I'm singin' in the rain.
39:00And Frank keeps
39:01going, is the heart
39:02workin'?
39:02Is the heart workin'?
39:03Gene, I'll say to you
39:05honestly, and first, I
39:07will just say, these
39:08are Carol O'Connor's
39:09closest friends.
39:13Carol O'Connor met
39:14these people in my
39:15trailer an hour ago
39:16and said, you really
39:19like me?
39:23But Bob Wood, the
39:25president of CBS, came
39:26here tonight to honor
39:27Carol O'Connor.
39:28I had hoped a
39:29representative, whether
39:30it be Dave Tebbett, my
39:31dear friend, who
39:32couldn't be here
39:32tonight, unfortunately,
39:33he's in Greece for
39:35their annual Golden
39:35Water Festival.
39:39We've got one farmer
39:40here from Elko, Nevada
39:42going, the Golden
39:43Water Festival?
39:45I'll make you feel
39:46at home, sir.
39:53Dean, from the bottom
39:54of my heart, God
39:56has been good to you.
39:57God has been good to
39:58me, but he's been
39:59better to you.
39:59Tonight, we are really
40:10getting down to the
40:10nitty-gritty.
40:11Carol, I tell you,
40:12Carol O'Connor, from
40:13the bottom of my heart,
40:15everything you do on
40:16the camera is a lot of
40:17baloney.
40:18Socially, you have
40:19said many times about
40:20the Jews, the blacks,
40:21the whites, the
40:22Puerto Ricans, the
40:22Mexicans, that you
40:23are fed up with the
40:24world, who you feel
40:28you should have a
40:28crown and rule the
40:29world.
40:31And I go along with
40:32that because with your
40:33money, I need you
40:34desperately.
40:35But his great words,
40:39as Carol, as a
40:40graduate of Phi Beta
40:41Kappa from Dublin
40:41University, from Wyoming
40:43University, said to me,
40:44If thy love thyself,
40:47thy love thee.
40:48Thy know this, this
40:50thy know.
40:52And my lovely wife
40:53said, He's brilliant.
40:56And now, my wife is in
40:58a state hospital, sitting
41:00in a hot tub with a
41:02duck.
41:04I would like you to
41:05know also that there
41:08are many guests that
41:09they have honored.
41:10This has been the
41:10longest night I've
41:11ever had in my life.
41:14You know, one of the
41:29most important elements
41:31in any star's success
41:32is public relations.
41:35We are very pleased to
41:36have with us tonight
41:37Carol O'Connor's PR
41:39man.
41:40He's one of the
41:41biggest PRs in
41:43Hollywood.
41:44Ladies and
41:46gentlemen, would you
41:48all please welcome
41:49Mr. Foster Brooks?
42:06Thank you very much,
42:07Mr. Martini.
42:07Many people wonder
42:13exactly what serves,
42:14what services a public
42:17relation man provides
42:20to the star.
42:21To the star.
42:25My duties are threefold.
42:27First, it is my job to
42:29create, it is my job to
42:38create a public image,
42:40image for the star.
42:45And second, I have to
42:46see that the star
42:47constantly receives
42:49favorite, favorite,
42:50favorite, favorite,
42:53mentioned in the press.
42:56And thirdly, I must
43:02say that he has
43:02plenty of broads
43:03on the road.
43:14With Carol, the most
43:16difficult part of my job
43:17is convincing people
43:19that he is not like
43:21the character he plays
43:22in all, all in the
43:24family.
43:26People are always
43:27confusing Carol Bunker
43:28with Archie O'Connell.
43:29But of course, they're
43:34totally different
43:36personalities.
43:38Archie is a right
43:40winger.
43:42And in the last
43:43election, Carol was
43:45McGovern's man.
43:48At least until Eleanor
43:50McGovern made him
43:51break it up.
43:52People are always
44:01mixing up Carol and
44:02Archie.
44:03They think Carol hates
44:05people just because
44:06they're black.
44:08And that's not true
44:10at all.
44:11I was at Carol's
44:12house one night last
44:13weekend.
44:14He had two black
44:14people for dinner.
44:16And they were
44:17delicious.
44:18You know, it's a
44:26wonderful experience
44:27working for Carol.
44:30His success hasn't
44:31changed him at all.
44:34She's still the same
44:35obnoxious slob he
44:37always was.
44:40He's just a slob.
44:42Well, excuse me,
44:43at that time I put
44:44in an L.
44:48Yes, friends, even
44:50though Carol is now
44:51a superstar, he
44:54never forgets the
44:55little people.
44:56In fact, right at
44:57this moment, he's
44:59paying the rent for
44:59three midget go-go
45:01dancers.
45:04Carol's just a
45:05regular guy.
45:06If you didn't know
45:07who he was, you'd
45:09never guess that he
45:10was a celebrity.
45:13Unless you happen to
45:14see the star-shaped
45:16John in his
45:17dressing room.
45:19That's where he
45:20twinkles.
45:29The press is always
45:31asking embarrassing
45:32questions of me about
45:34Carol.
45:35They keep asking,
45:36what does Carol make?
45:39And I tell them,
45:40anything that walks.
45:41Incidentally, I wish I
45:46could tell you just
45:48how the rest of the
45:50All in the Family
45:50cast feels about
45:52Carol O'Connor.
45:54I wish I could tell
45:55you how Bob Reiner
45:57feels about Carol
45:58O'Connor.
46:00I wish I could tell
46:01you how Sally
46:03Struthers feels about
46:05Carol O'Connor and
46:06how Gene State
46:07Steve Bolton feels
46:09about Carol O'Connor.
46:11None of them is here
46:13tonight.
46:16Well, I guess I just
46:17told you how they feel
46:18about Carol O'Connor.
46:34Now, ladies and gentlemen,
46:35I'm trying to present
46:35our man of the week,
46:38our number one guy
46:39with the number one show,
46:41Mr. Carol O'Connor.
46:43Carol!
46:43Thank you, Dean.
46:57What an extraordinary
46:58group.
47:03Ben Foxx said to me,
47:06these people look like
47:08passengers in a Fred
47:10McMurray bus commercial.
47:13I didn't like to correct
47:15Red about that,
47:16but he really doesn't
47:17know much about
47:18the subject of buses.
47:19Way back when
47:20Red was riding buses,
47:21he only saw
47:22the last three rows.
47:26I want particularly
47:28to thank Mayor
47:29John Lindsay of New York
47:30for taking time out
47:33from job hunting
47:35to say a few words
47:38for me.
47:39The mayor assumed
47:40office about the time
47:41Dean Martin started
47:43his television show.
47:45The difference is
47:46when the mayor
47:46stopped being a hit,
47:48he gave up.
47:55Gratious.
47:57Senator Goldwater
47:59to fly in from
48:00Washington to be here.
48:02The senator's been
48:03very busy working
48:04on a plan to get
48:05Arizona out of
48:07the United Nations.
48:12Mike Connors
48:13from The Matter
48:13Show is here.
48:15How Mike loves
48:17his producer
48:17for giving him
48:18all that action
48:20in his scripts.
48:22You know,
48:22someone is always
48:23trying to run over
48:24Mike with a car.
48:26What Mike doesn't know
48:27is that his producer
48:28wants to do
48:28a variety show
48:29with Rickles.
48:33Of course,
48:34Rickles can't do that.
48:36He's not available
48:36because Rickles
48:37has a contract
48:38with Bob Wood
48:39to do four
48:39unsold pilots
48:40of the year.
48:46Do you want to go
48:47see Bob Wood,
48:48president of CBS,
48:50here?
48:50Bob got the top job
48:52at CBS
48:53shortly after he
48:54staged the break-in
48:55at Jim Aubrey's
48:56psychiatrist's office.
49:02And my good friend
49:03Dick Martin
49:03sitting here,
49:04you know,
49:05he's married
49:05to this beautiful
49:06young little
49:07English girl,
49:07sweet,
49:08light-hearted,
49:09loves everything
49:10about America.
49:11No,
49:12as we say,
49:13putting on the dog
49:14for this girl.
49:15Dick bought her
49:16a $35,000
49:17Stutz automobile.
49:19She traded it in
49:20for a Honda
49:20and a case
49:21of Dr. Pepper.
49:25Thank you very much.
49:27Thank you, Mike.
49:35Well,
49:36that's our show
49:36over tonight.
49:37I want to thank
49:38my wonderful guests
49:39for being with me
49:39and the not-so-one-for-ones
49:41too.
49:42I especially want
49:43to thank
49:43Carol O'Connor
49:44for joining in the fun.
49:46I don't think
49:46it can be said
49:47too often
49:47that Carol O'Connor
49:48is not at all
49:49like Archie Bunker.
49:51Carol does all
49:52he can
49:52to help minorities.
49:54He wouldn't think
49:55of letting
49:55a white man
49:56shine his shoes.
49:58Good night.
49:59Everybody on
50:00the way home
50:00and warm up
50:01the hot chocolate.
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