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Would I Lie To You S18E12 At Christmas
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00:00MUSIC
00:25Good evening.
00:26Welcome to Would I Lie To You At Christmas,
00:29a very special festive edition that sorts the facts from the fibs.
00:33On David Mitchell's team tonight,
00:35musician, broadcaster and national treasure,
00:38it's Jules Holland.
00:43And from Radio One and Radio One Extra,
00:46it's Breakfast Show host Swazi.
00:53And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
00:55a star of stage and screen,
00:57someone called the midwife,
00:59it's Helen George.
01:04And comedian, actor and best-selling children's author,
01:08it's David Walliams.
01:10APPLAUSE
01:14We begin with round one,
01:16Home Truths, where our panellists read out a statement
01:18from the card in front of them.
01:19Now, to make things harder,
01:20they've never seen the card before,
01:22so they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
01:24It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
01:28Swazi, you're first up tonight.
01:30OK.
01:31I love Christmas so much,
01:33I put my tree and all the decorations up in September.
01:39LAUGHTER
01:40Well, I hope it's not true,
01:42because if it is, you are very irritating.
01:44LAUGHTER
01:45I love Christmas.
01:46I absolutely love Christmas.
01:47I love Christmas.
01:48I love Easter,
01:49but I don't buy the eggs in November, do I?
01:51LAUGHTER
01:52Why do you do it so early?
01:54I don't know, I got married in September,
01:56and so I just thought when we got into the first place we lived in,
02:00I saw the tree on offer,
02:01we might as well just get it,
02:03and then at that point,
02:04we thought, well, we might as well decorate it.
02:06Was it a plastic tree or a...?
02:08Just plastic.
02:09Can I just remind all of you,
02:10I mean, there's a lot of people
02:12who do celebrate Christmas all year round,
02:14so it's not so unusual.
02:16Who are these people? I've never seen them.
02:17Well, there was a bin man on the local news
02:19and he does his round every morning
02:21and then he has Christmas lunch every day.
02:23That's right, there you are.
02:24Yeah, that's because bin men get tipped at Christmas,
02:26he's got a vested interest in pretending.
02:28LAUGHTER
02:29I've got a friend who puts all his decorations up in October,
02:32actually, his name is John Lewis.
02:34LAUGHTER
02:37When does yours go up, Lee?
02:39Erm, should I do the joke or not bother,
02:41it's Christmas?
02:42LAUGHTER
02:44Does anyone hate Christmas?
02:46No. Some people do.
02:48Do you hate Christmas?
02:49Yeah, I hate Christmas.
02:50How?
02:51And the shows, you know, they just...
02:53They do a sort of show and they...
02:54LAUGHTER
02:55And they just, like, put some, like, snow
02:57and this is a Christmas episode
02:59and they record it in June?
03:01And we all have to pretend?
03:03I mean, no.
03:04No.
03:05Not us.
03:06We're doing it now in December.
03:08LAUGHTER
03:09So...
03:12When do you get your tree up?
03:13Early December.
03:14And are we talking Norwegian spruce or plastic or what?
03:19We're talking a live...
03:21Not live.
03:22A formerly live tree that's been killed.
03:25I mean, that's not how they market them, but that's what's happened.
03:27LAUGHTER
03:28Who decorates it, you or Victoria?
03:30We... Do you know what?
03:31We share the task.
03:32As a family?
03:33Yes.
03:34But you're in charge?
03:35No.
03:36LAUGHTER
03:38What are we thinking about Swazi's claim?
03:40Helen, what do you reckon?
03:41I think it could be true because...
03:46I think she looks like a person that really enjoys Christmas.
03:49All right, OK.
03:50David, do you think Swazi's telling the truth?
03:52No, I do not.
03:53LAUGHTER
03:54The strange thing about being married
03:56and we might as well get the Christmas tree now.
03:58Yeah.
03:59I mean, he would instantly leave someone.
04:02LAUGHTER
04:03If they said something like that.
04:05What does he think of it?
04:06He loves it.
04:07He absolutely loves it.
04:08He's the green-fingered one out of us lot.
04:11It's plastic.
04:12LAUGHTER
04:13Also, when you get married, you've got to look to the future.
04:16Yeah!
04:17You've got to start planning.
04:18OK, it's September now that Christmas is coming up.
04:21Yeah.
04:22When we got married, we bought our graves.
04:25LAUGHTER
04:27The next day.
04:28Nice plot.
04:29And I tell you what, that we got a good deal on.
04:32LAUGHTER
04:33All right, Leigh, what's your team going to say?
04:36I think not true.
04:38I think a lie.
04:39What do you think?
04:40A lie.
04:41You think it's a lie.
04:42You think it's a lie.
04:43I'll go with my team and say it's a lie.
04:44OK, they all think it's a lie, Swazi.
04:45Was it or were you telling the truth?
04:47I was, of course, telling...
04:49..a lie.
04:50Yes.
04:51Yes.
04:52APPLAUSE
04:53Yes, it's a lie.
04:55Swazi doesn't put her Christmas decorations up in September.
05:00Next up, it's David.
05:02As a boy, I developed a special technique for getting through
05:07disgusting school dinners.
05:09LAUGHTER
05:11Right, what was your special technique?
05:13Were you ever forced to eat your school dinners?
05:16I was, yes.
05:17By who?
05:18By the authorities, the school.
05:19The dinner.
05:20We'll ask the questions.
05:21Oh, yes, yes, you're right.
05:22We'll ask the questions!
05:23LAUGHTER
05:24We'll ask the questions!
05:25LAUGHTER
05:27So, yes, the technique was very simple.
05:29I had this dinner lady who wasn't very nice,
05:32and she would make us eat all the things we didn't want to eat,
05:36like fruit and vegetables.
05:38And so, my technique was that I would store the food in my cheeks
05:43so I didn't have to swallow it.
05:45LAUGHTER
05:46And then I would keep it in my mouth for the rest of the school day.
05:49LAUGHTER
05:50Like a hamster.
05:51What sort of age were you when this was happening?
05:53Was it over five or...?
05:54No, 17, 18...
05:56LAUGHTER
05:58I was at a junior school, primary school,
06:01so I was probably about five or six or something like that.
06:04What were your school dinners like, David?
06:05My primary school, you had to have...
06:08You had to have some of everything.
06:10Yeah, yeah.
06:11And you had to finish it.
06:12And my technique for dealing with that when things were,
06:15as they occasionally were, absolutely disgusting,
06:18is that I used to be sick all over myself.
06:22LAUGHTER
06:23Merry Christmas, everybody at home.
06:25LAUGHTER
06:26Was it a cry for help?
06:28Yeah, I also would cry help.
06:30LAUGHTER
06:32We had a boy at my school who...
06:34I was so jealous because he had a letter from his mum
06:37saying that he was allergic to all vegetables apart from chips.
06:41LAUGHTER
06:43Only my mum would write that letter.
06:46When I was presented with disgusting school food,
06:49the problem for me was putting it in my mouth.
06:52That's always been your problem.
06:54Because of the horrible...
06:55LAUGHTER
06:56Sorry, sorry, sorry.
06:58In a way, when you've put the disgusting food in your mouth,
07:02you've already done the worst bit, haven't you?
07:04The swallowing it.
07:05That's a very good point.
07:06Yes.
07:07Comparatively, you might as well.
07:08I agree.
07:09And let people put their own connotations on that.
07:13LAUGHTER
07:14Tell him off.
07:15Tell him off.
07:16No, because it was you that got the laugh
07:18by doing one of your sideways looks at the audience.
07:22LAUGHTER
07:23I will not criticise my David.
07:25LAUGHTER
07:26How is he your David?
07:28LAUGHTER
07:29You knew me first!
07:31James!
07:32I've spent a long time with him.
07:34I've grown very fond of you.
07:37Thank you, Ron.
07:38It's lovely that these things...
07:39It's important to say these things at Christmas.
07:41While you're still a liar.
07:42Yes, exactly.
07:43And before we have a few more drinks and get angry.
07:46LAUGHTER
07:47So what are you thinking, Swazi?
07:49What do you reckon on this?
07:50I think it's a lie.
07:51Come on, it's got to be a lie.
07:52Why?
07:53Because how can you go after lunch
07:54and not talk till the end of the day?
07:55I completely agree with you.
07:56It's a lie, lie, lie and that's what it is.
07:58We're going to say lie.
08:00They think it's a lie, David.
08:02Was it a lie or were you telling the truth?
08:04I was telling...
08:06The truth!
08:07Oh!
08:08Oh, no!
08:13Truth.
08:14David did store school dinners in his cheeks.
08:18Helen, you're next.
08:19When I was on Strictly, I sprained my arm
08:22because of all the endless waving they made me do.
08:25You sprained your arm?
08:28That was your main injury from the contest.
08:30Did you show us how you wave?
08:32Oh, that's quite real.
08:33It used to be better.
08:34It used to be better.
08:35LAUGHTER
08:36That won't be good enough for Strictly.
08:37You need more enthusiasm.
08:38Well, it was bigger when I did Strictly before the spring.
08:41Was waving a big part of your Strictly commitment?
08:44Have you watched Strictly?
08:45There's a lot of waving.
08:46Oh, I suppose there is.
08:47There's as much waving as there is dancing.
08:48Right, OK.
08:49So how long did the recovery take?
08:52A few days.
08:54It was in a sling.
08:56Was your first instinct to call a doctor or a lawyer?
08:59Or a midwife.
09:00Or a midwife.
09:01Yes.
09:02LAUGHTER
09:03What did the doctor or the lawyer say to you?
09:06The doctor signed me off a show.
09:09Because you twanged your arm waving.
09:11But how do you wave?
09:12I just wave like this.
09:13Right, I wave like that.
09:14Argh!
09:15LAUGHTER
09:16Can I say a lawyer somewhere here?
09:18LAUGHTER
09:19So how often on a typical episode of Strictly,
09:21from the moment they announce you,
09:23would you be waving?
09:24Talk us through it.
09:25Well, so you come out waving.
09:26You come out waving.
09:27That's how I came out.
09:28Woo-hoo!
09:29LAUGHTER
09:32So you come out at the top of the stairs, don't you?
09:34Come out waving, yes.
09:35You're waving when you arrive.
09:36Which is quite a skill, as hard as the dancing,
09:38when you're walking down the stairs,
09:39not falling over and waving.
09:41Right.
09:42You've had a proper job, have you?
09:43LAUGHTER
09:45And then we sort of chat a bit.
09:46Yes.
09:47And then we do some more waving.
09:48Another wave there.
09:49Yeah.
09:50So you do your dance,
09:51and then you go up the stairs, waving.
09:53Another wave.
09:54This is the TV show you're talking about.
09:56So you do the TV show,
09:57and then you do the arena tour,
09:59and that's got lots of waving in,
10:02because it's a very big arena,
10:04and you're increasing your waves.
10:06Was there an insurance claim at any point?
10:08No, there wasn't, but there could be.
10:09LAUGHTER
10:12The other arm.
10:13That's a good idea.
10:14To do blood balancing.
10:15LAUGHTER
10:16Jules, what are you thinking?
10:18Well...
10:19Specifically about what Helen has been saying.
10:21LAUGHTER
10:23First of all, I'd have great sympathy.
10:25You know, I need my hands, and I would...
10:27With an injury like that, you would be...
10:28Have you ever had a piano injury?
10:30Well, you've got to watch out for that sort of thing.
10:33I don't, because I don't play the piano.
10:34LAUGHTER
10:35Lang Lang wears boxing gloves, doesn't he?
10:37The concert piano.
10:38Right, yeah, yeah.
10:39Boxing gloves?
10:40Yeah, to protect...
10:41To protect his hands.
10:42Oh, not whilst playing?
10:43No.
10:44LAUGHTER
10:45It's not that good.
10:46Oh, right.
10:47I'd rather believe it.
10:49You can see the distress in poor Helen's face.
10:52Yeah, she does.
10:53She's...
10:54I mean...
10:55Yes, that's certainly...
10:56That's certainly a look of sadness
10:57that would be perceptible at arena levels.
11:00LAUGHTER
11:01So, what are your team saying, David?
11:04Let's go true.
11:05Shall we say true?
11:06I'd like to give her a chance.
11:07Let's...
11:08What harm could it do?
11:09Let's say it's...
11:10I don't think that's the idea of the game.
11:11LAUGHTER
11:12Let's say it's Christmas, we should believe everything.
11:15All right, yeah.
11:16They think it's true, Helen.
11:17Was it true or was it a lie?
11:19It was true.
11:21No!
11:23APPLAUSE
11:24Yes, it's true.
11:25Helen did sprain her arm waving on Strictly.
11:28APPLAUSE
11:29Our next round is called This Is My,
11:31where we bring on a mystery guest
11:33who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
11:36Now, this week, each of David's team will claim
11:38it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest.
11:41It's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.
11:44So, please welcome this week's special guest, Paul.
11:47APPLAUSE
11:49So, Swazi, what is Paul to you?
11:57This is Paul and he won a competition for me and Stormzy
12:00to come round and turn on his Christmas lights.
12:03LAUGHTER
12:04Right.
12:05Jules, how do you know Paul?
12:07Well, this is Paul and he lets me wind up Big Ben.
12:11LAUGHTER
12:12Right.
12:13Finally, David, what is your relationship with Paul?
12:17Er, this is Paul and he had to get his dust buster out
12:21after I spilt peanuts in Inspector Morse's car.
12:26LAUGHTER
12:27There we have it.
12:28Swazi's prize-winning pal, Jules's clock companion,
12:32or David's car cleaner.
12:34Lee's team, where will you begin?
12:36Swazi, what was this competition on?
12:38Was it on Radio One Extra?
12:40It was on Radio One Extra.
12:42He doesn't scream Radio One Extra listener.
12:46This is the thing.
12:47You'd be so surprised who listens to radio.
12:49What was the competition?
12:50The competition was to guess Stormzy's first name
12:53and Paul guessed it and he was right.
12:55And what is Stormzy's first name?
12:56Michael.
12:57Paul knew Stormzy's first name?
12:59Yep.
13:00Right.
13:01I was equally surprised.
13:02Obviously, you can't see your listeners,
13:03so when we turned up and we saw Paul,
13:05we were like,
13:06Oh!
13:07Hi, Paul!
13:08LAUGHTER
13:10Paul, what are you doing?
13:11Me and Stormzy were there,
13:12so we had to turn on his...
13:13Just to be clear,
13:14when you say turn on his Christmas lights,
13:15you don't mean in his area,
13:17you mean in his house?
13:18Where was his house?
13:19In Croydon.
13:20Which was even funnier because Stormzy's from South London.
13:22Oh.
13:23I bet you laughed and laughed and laughed.
13:26So, did you and Stormzy turn up together with an entourage
13:29or just the two of you?
13:30Just me, Stormzy,
13:31the social team and my producer.
13:33When you say the social team,
13:35you don't mean social services, do you?
13:37No.
13:38Definitely not, no.
13:40The social media team.
13:41Oh, of course, Instagram, yes.
13:43Instagram, Piktok.
13:44So...
13:45Sorry, it's bringing your granddad to work, Dad.
13:48LAUGHTER
13:49What were Paul's Christmas lights like?
13:51Awful.
13:52Paul, your lights were so bad.
13:54He had the smallest little Christmas tree.
13:57You know when you put on a table?
13:58It's not like in the corner of a room.
14:00Right.
14:01So, yeah, tall old Stormzy.
14:02And you just had to flick one little switch and bing,
14:03they came on.
14:04Yeah, and then he came on.
14:05Yeah.
14:06And then how did you pad out the rest of the visit?
14:08Well, Stormzy's obviously very tall and I'm very small,
14:11so I think Paul standing in the middle made everyone laugh,
14:13so we just took a photo.
14:15Oh!
14:16You standing in height order can only pad out about another minute.
14:20LAUGHTER
14:21I've met Stormzy.
14:22Have you?
14:23He's very, very nice, yes.
14:24He is nice.
14:25What circumstances?
14:26Not many.
14:27I was with Jack Whitehall and we were at a showbiz party
14:29and Stormzy was there and he was quite excited to meet us
14:32and we couldn't quite believe it.
14:33No, neither can I.
14:34No.
14:35It's true.
14:36I'll tell you something I've just spotted about Paul.
14:39We say he's not looking like a radio, an extra listener,
14:43but he does have an earring.
14:45An earring.
14:46What are you saying?
14:47That he's...
14:48I'm saying he's a little bit...
14:49Ooh.
14:50LAUGHTER
14:51Are you saying he's a ghost?
14:53LAUGHTER
14:54No, no, no.
14:55He's a bit...
14:56He's like me.
14:57He's an older gentleman but he's down.
14:59LAUGHTER
15:00He's had a fall.
15:01Yes.
15:02LAUGHTER
15:04What is your time slot on Radio One Extra?
15:06I'm on Saturday mornings from 7 to 10 a.m.
15:09So he's getting up early to listen to you as well.
15:12Loads of people are up early, you know.
15:14Well, the nurse, they wake up people quite early, don't they?
15:17LAUGHTER
15:19OK, well, I would like to say, Swazi, so far, you're winning.
15:23LAUGHTER
15:25All right, who would you like to quiz next?
15:27Um, Jules, and now you're not, Swazi.
15:29LAUGHTER
15:31Jules, remind us again.
15:33Um, yeah, so, Paul lets me go and wind up Big Ben.
15:37Right, who's Ben and why do you keep winding him up?
15:40LAUGHTER
15:41Big Ben is, of course, the great tower with the...
15:44You know, when it sees the ten o'clock news, bing-bong.
15:46Also, not only that, he let me go up there, wind it up,
15:50and open the little sort of number where it's at, like,
15:52at the bottom of the clock, number six, and put my head out of the window.
15:55Oh, like a cuckoo?
15:56Wave at London.
15:57LAUGHTER
15:58On the hour, every hour?
15:59Not at six o'clock, cos the hand would have been in the way.
16:02LAUGHTER
16:03I know, that's a very good bit of detail.
16:05LAUGHTER
16:06So, did you win this sort of opportunity?
16:09No, I was introduced by Stephen Fry, who said,
16:12you're going to really like Paul because he'll take you up Big Ben
16:15and let you wind it up.
16:16LAUGHTER
16:17So, just talk us through how you wind up Big Ben again.
16:20Well, erm, a lot of people imagine it's a little key like that,
16:23that they'd be wrong.
16:24No, they don't.
16:25OK.
16:26I don't think anyone's thought about it in any way.
16:28And Helen's probably worried, another hand injury.
16:30Well, I wouldn't be able to do it.
16:32LAUGHTER
16:33Right, you have to walk up there as well.
16:34This was when he was up there.
16:35Oh, they haven't got an elevator fitted.
16:36I think they have now.
16:37Oh, so this was a while ago when you did it?
16:39Yeah, yeah.
16:40Before the renovation?
16:41Yes.
16:42It's a digital clock now.
16:43LAUGHTER
16:47It's a big handle like this.
16:48Yeah.
16:49And then you push it forward and it goes round like this.
16:53And then this gigantic pendulum is ticking away,
16:56like a giant long-case grandfather clock.
16:59How big is that?
17:00I don't want to bore you with the details.
17:02Oh, please do.
17:03We already have.
17:04LAUGHTER
17:05But it's pretty big.
17:06Do you have to then swing the pendulum?
17:08Paul, I think, did all that.
17:09When London sleeps, he's in there sorting all that out.
17:12We just wake up and see it, but it's...
17:14Well, we don't wake up and see it cos we don't live anywhere near it.
17:16No, but you can see it on the news and things, don't you?
17:19Well, what are you doing, waking up at ten o'clock at night?
17:21LAUGHTER
17:22Start getting a proper job, mate.
17:24LAUGHTER
17:25Do you know a bit about clocks?
17:26It sounds like you know a bit about clocks.
17:27I've learnt everything I know from Paul.
17:29Right, so here's a question.
17:31What's it called, that clock?
17:33Er...
17:34Very big.
17:35LAUGHTER
17:36It's not called very big, is it?
17:37What's it actually called?
17:38That's right, yes, yes.
17:39LAUGHTER
17:40What does Big Ben refer to?
17:44I...
17:45The bell.
17:46The bell?
17:47It's the bell.
17:48The clock is called something else.
17:49Yes, that's right.
17:50I thought you would know that as someone who winds it up.
17:53What is the clock called?
17:54Does it definitely have a name, the clock?
17:56Well, I think it's just called the Parliament clock or something.
17:59I don't know.
18:00It's called something...
18:01You don't know after all that.
18:02Oh, I don't know.
18:03Well, I'd like to point out that I'm not the one claiming to know about clocks.
18:06No.
18:07I'm not claiming to know about clocks, but I do know a man who does know about clocks,
18:10and that's...
18:11Paul.
18:12LAUGHTER
18:13APPLAUSE
18:14All right, now then, what about David?
18:18David, remind us of your relationship.
18:20This is Paul, and he had to get his dustbuster out after I spilt peanuts
18:25inside Inspector Morse's car.
18:28Right.
18:29Why were you in his car?
18:30I was on a little tour of Oxford in it.
18:33What's the car?
18:34An old red Jaguar.
18:36I think it's called a Mark II Jaguar.
18:38I think that's what Morse did drive.
18:40We actually have...
18:41We've got a picture of Inspector Morse's car.
18:43We can have a look.
18:44There we are. Look at that.
18:45You could fit in that car?
18:46Yes.
18:47Wow.
18:48And Paul and my father.
18:50So, hang on.
18:51Is Paul the organiser of the tour?
18:53He is, and he's the owner of Inspector Morse's car.
18:56Oh.
18:57So he was driving the car?
18:58He was.
18:59How did Paul come to own this car?
19:01I don't actually know.
19:02So he's a private...
19:03Once again, no small talk from David on the journey.
19:05Yeah.
19:06Do you want to know how I got this car?
19:08Nah.
19:09How could you not get the peanuts into your mouth?
19:14Yeah.
19:15Well, the truth is the peanuts were in my...
19:17The truth is...
19:18It didn't happen.
19:19The truth is...
19:20No.
19:21The truth is that the peanuts were in my jacket pocket, in a packet I had opened but not finished,
19:27folded over.
19:28There's no way you wouldn't finish a packet of peanuts in one guy.
19:32Well, in which case, you'll have to say lie.
19:34Who?
19:35Because that is what I'm asking you to believe.
19:38When was this?
19:39This was last January.
19:41Last January?
19:42It was a Christmas present, this tour.
19:44From?
19:45From my wife to me and my dad.
19:47Didn't Victoria want to join you?
19:49No, she didn't.
19:50It was a...
19:51Anyway, it was a present for her, wasn't it?
19:53It was a tour of Inspector Morse's Oxford.
19:57Because you love Inspector Morse.
19:59I love Inspector Morse.
20:00You love Inspector Morse.
20:01I grew up in Oxford.
20:02My dad lives in Oxford.
20:04He's really interested in Oxford history.
20:06He's a tour guide.
20:07Yeah.
20:08This is an amazing present.
20:09Where did the tour take you, David?
20:11Talk us through some of the high spots.
20:13All around Oxford.
20:14Be more specific, David.
20:16And started and finished in the car park of the ice rink.
20:19Oh, right.
20:20Oh.
20:21How very Inspector Morse.
20:23Well, it was probably more for convenience than mood.
20:26Although it is quite near the police station.
20:28Right.
20:29Which, obviously, you see a lot of Inspector Morse coming in and out
20:31of the police station.
20:32And it's a real police station, so I don't know how that was arranged.
20:35But, obviously, actual law enforcement in Oxford
20:37must have suffered at the same time.
20:39I certainly remember, during my childhood,
20:41the joy-riding was going crazy.
20:42So, I think we can blame Zenith Productions
20:45for some of that.
20:46Zenith.
20:47Do you know the name of the production company?
20:49Yes.
20:50And it made Inspector Morse.
20:51Zenith made Inspector Morse.
20:52It went initially through Central, but then, obviously,
20:54it all merged under Granada, now rebranded as ITV.
20:57I hope it's OK to mention that on the BBC.
21:00Other broadcasters are offended.
21:01APPLAUSE
21:02I can't wait if that has to clap because they're impressed.
21:07Or if they clap, you'll stop.
21:09LAUGHTER
21:10Well, I've tried that with you many times and it doesn't work.
21:13Anyway, pick up at the ice rink.
21:15Yeah?
21:16You go along St Alldates and ice rink.
21:17No, it sounds like you're going to do it all.
21:18Just tell us the highlights.
21:19So, you went along St Alldates, past the police station, past Christchurch.
21:23No, this is the whole journey, David, isn't it?
21:25Well, you can't...
21:26You've got to wait for me to...
21:27Don't say, we're not going to show you the highlights of football,
21:29but you're going to have to wait because we're going to be showing the whole match.
21:31That's a highlight!
21:34That's another highlight!
21:35They just show the highlights.
21:36That's what they do.
21:37Can I just say...
21:38What are the highlights of this tour?
21:40Because, currently, I've heard nothing but lowlights.
21:42What do you want to say?
21:44This is a tour.
21:45This isn't getting to the tour.
21:47These are the highlights.
21:48Tell us the highlights of the tour!
21:50The highlights of the tour
21:52involved driving down the high street...
21:54Oh, he's doing it again!
21:55He's doing it as the lowlights again!
21:57How can you...
21:58The high street of Oxford!
22:00That's not a highlights!
22:01In Inspector Morse's car!
22:02I can wait down the...
22:03The highlight was a bit when we crossed Times Square!
22:06The highlight was a bit where it took off!
22:09And flew to the road!
22:10The highlights were when we were driving round Oxford
22:14in Inspector Morse's car!
22:16Because that's what it was!
22:18And the high street of Oxford was a highlight!
22:21The highlights!
22:22The highlights!
22:28Next highlight!
22:29Riverside pub!
22:31Right?
22:32Victoria Arms, it's called.
22:34It's by the Charwell in Oxford.
22:35What's that?
22:36Inspector Morse went there many times!
22:38Ah!
22:39That is where I bought some,
22:40wait for it, peanuts!
22:41Peanuts
22:52Peanuts in my jacket and how do you think they got there? I
22:57The Victoria arms, but I folded up the packet and put it in my jacket pocket folded up the jacket and put it on my knee
23:04We continued the tour. I won't bore you with more highlights
23:07when we got to the end of the tour I
23:11Adjusted my jacket in a careless way and the peanuts tipped onto the floor of the car
23:17Inspector Morse's Jaguar. Can you imagine my mortification? So I apologize
23:23Effusively and Paul says not to worry and he gets a dustbuster
23:27From the boot of the car. Where do you get the dustbuster from? From the boot of the car
23:31And he clears them up in front of me. No harm done
23:40Right, we need an answer
23:42So Lee's team is Paul, Swazi's prize-winning pal, Jules's clock companion or David's car cleaner
23:50Jules strikes me as a man that would be interested in winding up being better. Who wouldn't though? I'd like to do that
23:55I think he would because he's got those sort of interests sort of old man's interests
24:01Why would you if you're running a tour with all of the you know best parts of Oxford that inspector Morse filmed in
24:08Why not ask to meet at the beautiful pub where you could have a drink first of all and welcome your guests?
24:13Why would you meet at the ice rink that would definitely be more picturesque places to meet but not where there's easy parking?
24:19The picturesque and the easy parking they often pull in different directions, right? I give as an example Venice
24:31Okay, it's time to guess I don't believe that Stormzy went round to turn on this man's Christmas lights on a Christmas tree that big
24:39That's the thing isn't it. So I'm getting Jules. I would go with Morse because it just sounds like the most
24:46plausible
24:47Boring Christmas present
24:50Okay, we are gonna go with
24:53Jules, Jules, okay, Paul, would you please reveal your true identity?
25:00I'm Paul and I let Jules Holland wind up big bang
25:03Yeah
25:09Jules's club companion. Thank you very much, Paul
25:15Which brings us to our final round quickfire lives and we start with it's
25:22Jules ah
25:25Every year before Christmas dinner I change into my special much looser eating trousers
25:33Please T. Well, I mean I do so
25:36Are they elasticated?
25:40No, they have little belts at the side and
25:44Braces attached to buttons and the little belts at the side undo
25:49So you can loosen them. Yeah, they're braces and the side straps. Yeah, so they're quite smart trousers
25:55Oh, yes, I wouldn't want to be seen in short trousers when I'm having my Christmas dinner
25:58And you wouldn't want to be seen with shorts and braces
26:00Never
26:01That's a look that only David Mitchell can carry on
26:03Yes
26:04Absolutely
26:05What do you have on the top half?
26:07Dinner jacket
26:08Have you got a dickie bow on?
26:09Yes
26:10Are you alright?
26:11What do you wear at Christmas lunch then Leeds?
26:15Same as the rest of the family speedos
26:17So dinner jacket dickie bow on all that that suggests you would have those sort of fancy trousers with the little belts at the side already
26:25So why are you changing into them?
26:27Well because I would have had my jeans on when I was doing the rough work of helping the children to unwrap their little boxes of cigars and things like that
26:32So I've still got my casuals on at that point and I've taken a break from helping the kiddies and then I've just come in and having my lunch
26:45How old are your kids?
26:46Erm, 40, 50
26:48This is a subject close to your heart, Lee, because I remember you telling me that of late you've started to drive with your trousers open
27:00I have undone the top button and I've found that's not enough
27:03So a bit of zip comes down, the belt might come undone and many a time I've got to the petrol station and my trousers have fallen down
27:09And that's my story and I don't care what you read in the Sunday papers, that's what happened
27:15Alright, come on, is Jules Holland telling the truth?
27:19I believe he's telling the truth
27:21Okay, I've got a question, are you insane?
27:23You think that that's the truth?
27:26I think it's true, I think probably a lot of people wear clothes that are sort of loose or elasticated
27:31Exactly
27:32Well, I have pregnancy trousers like that, so I do understand
27:35What's your team going to say, Lee?
27:38I'm saying it's a lie
27:39Okay, so, Jules, they think it's a lie, is it a lie or is it the truth?
27:45I think this might be a conundrum for the show because it was given to me as a lie, but it's actually true
27:50So I don't know what to do
27:57That's never happened before
27:58That's never, ever happened before
28:00So, Jules, what is the answer? Was it true or was it a lie?
28:04A little bit of a lie
28:05Well, there we are
28:08It was a lie until it turned out to be true because Jules actually does have special eating trousers
28:14That noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show
28:19And I can reveal that Lee's team has won by three points to two
28:22Congratulations, congratulations
28:24Thanks for watching, we'll see you next time, goodnight
28:28Would I Lie to You returns for a new series next Friday night at 7.30 on BBC One
28:35The Amanda Land Christmas special is an absolute cracker with all the festive feels
28:40Watch it now on iPlayer
28:41And we're opening the barn doors here next tonight
28:44Welcoming three celebs into a new repair shop at Christmas
28:47Thank you
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