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Have.I.Got.News.for.You.S70E08
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00:00I'll be right back.
00:30Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:35I'm Richard Riuardi.
00:37In the news this week, on a visit to Quick Fit to have his car fixed,
00:41one man finally plucks up the courage to ask the mechanics
00:44the meaning of the hand gesture they keep making at him.
00:52LAUGHTER
00:55As US tariffs on films are introduced, Ridley Scott is forced to do
00:59his own special effects for Alien 7.
01:07And on a visit to a hospital in Corby, Wes Streeting denies sticking his foot out.
01:17Hello.
01:24On Ian's team tonight is a writer and comedian who says her latest show
01:28is about the wisdom in the trees.
01:31Where I live there's not much wisdom in the trees, but there are a lot of dog poo bags.
01:35LAUGHTER
01:36Please welcome Bella Hull.
01:38APPLAUSE
01:44On Paul's team tonight is a crime writer who says he loves writing about real people.
01:47If you're looking for the perfect setting for a fascinating whodunit,
01:50can I suggest the OBR?
01:51Please welcome Richard Osmond.
01:53APPLAUSE
01:58We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:01Ian and Bella, here's yours.
02:03Oh, it's the fiscal drag queen.
02:05LAUGHTER
02:07Everyone's abandoning her because they hate her new bag.
02:12LAUGHTER
02:14That's where they put income tax.
02:16What, in those cabinets?
02:17Yeah, in the freezers.
02:18Oh, look, let's look for some growth.
02:21LAUGHTER
02:22I'm guessing it's the budget.
02:23Yes.
02:24But I think that answer's been leaked.
02:27LAUGHTER
02:28Right, yes.
02:29Was the budget worth the wait?
02:30Well, none of it really applies...
02:32I should say I don't really have a house.
02:35Mm-hm.
02:36I know all of you have houses.
02:37I know Richard has a house just for games.
02:39So...
02:40LAUGHTER
02:42It's not really something that applies to me massively,
02:44but I really wish you guys all the best of luck with it.
02:47LAUGHTER
02:48BBC News was so excited they broadcast on the budget live from a Starbucks.
02:53LAUGHTER
02:55LAUGHTER
02:57What did Chris Mason have to say about it?
03:00He's the BBC correspondent.
03:02He's flipping ears.
03:03Yeah.
03:04LAUGHTER
03:05Do you want to see what he said about it?
03:06Yes.
03:07Absolutely.
03:08The politics of this.
03:09Where does this leave her, do you think?
03:10So, two things.
03:11Firstly, it was clear that the Chancellor was absolutely boiling,
03:14I mean, apoplectic, about being scooped on her own budget
03:18by the publication of the Office for Budget Responsibility document
03:21before she had the chance to stand up.
03:23In terms of what she said...
03:24Chris, I'm going to have to interrupt you...
03:26LAUGHTER
03:27..and congratulate the right honourable lady.
03:30We've actually got Chris in the studio now to finish that sentence
03:33and we're going to...
03:34No, sorry, we don't have time. Sorry, Chris.
03:36LAUGHTER
03:37We'll have to come to you next week.
03:39So, who actually announced the budget?
03:41Well, the OBR.
03:42And she announced most of what was in it
03:44in interviews for the last six months,
03:46some of which she did and some of which she didn't.
03:48But the main thing was, she said there would be no tax rises
03:51and there aren't.
03:52It just means everyone will pay more tax.
03:55LAUGHTER
03:56Which is completely different.
03:57Yes.
03:58And that's not breaking a manifesto pledge at all.
04:01So, we're all going to pay a record amount of tax.
04:04Unless you don't earn anything and then you won't pay anything.
04:07Yeah.
04:08I'll be fine.
04:09Yes.
04:10LAUGHTER
04:11Rachel Reeves didn't exactly announce it.
04:13The details were accidentally published early by
04:15the Office for Budget Responsibility,
04:18who have now been rebranded the Office for Budget Art About Tittery.
04:22LAUGHTER
04:23I don't think it was accidental.
04:25Oh, come on.
04:26Can you imagine their Instagram must have blown up?
04:28If you've got the budget, I mean, you're going to get huge numbers
04:30if you leak that.
04:31Is this how it works?
04:32Yeah.
04:33If you look at the Office of Budget Responsibility Instagram page now,
04:36it's just all of them round the office going,
04:38oops.
04:39LAUGHTER
04:40That's their thing.
04:41That's their meme.
04:42Tax rises won't come in until 2028-29,
04:45by which time it will be irrelevant,
04:47because we'll all be underwater,
04:49probably being bombed by Putin.
04:50But, fingers crossed, maybe.
04:52Good luck bombing us underwater.
04:54Sunmarines.
04:55Yeah.
04:56Oh, God.
04:57He's thought of everything, hasn't he?
04:58I shouldn't have put that out there,
04:59because he might still be thinking,
05:00how are we going to do this?
05:01LAUGHTER
05:02Well, the only silver lining is that, fingers crossed,
05:04we might have Farage by then.
05:06LAUGHTER
05:08What happened when Rachel Reeves did eventually get to speak?
05:12There was a lot of noise.
05:13Yeah.
05:14A lot of cheering.
05:15Yes.
05:16Do you want to have a look at what happened?
05:17I call the child's love they shatter.
05:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
05:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
05:34Good job!
05:35Very good.
05:37Quickfire round, this is open to everyone.
05:39OK, quickfire, yeah.
05:40OK.
05:41I'm going to give you the name of something in the budget,
05:42and you tell me if it's getting taxed or relaxed.
05:45Oh, OK.
05:46Is there a theme tune that goes with it?
05:47No.
05:48There should be.
05:49Yeah, but there isn't.
05:50I think that was it.
05:51That was it?
05:52I think you just did the...
05:53OK, fine.
05:54Brilliant.
05:55Excellent.
05:56OK, first up...
05:57If I could play this every Christmas.
05:58Yes.
05:59That's very good.
06:00OK, mansions.
06:01Did you miss your buzzer?
06:02LAUGHTER
06:03This may explain why I've never won at this event.
06:04LAUGHTER
06:05Oh, a bit late now.
06:06We deactivated your buzzer a long time ago to save electricity.
06:07And it's actually worked out very well.
06:08Yes, mansions.
06:09OK, yes, they've been taxed.
06:10Yes, yes.
06:11Up to a value of...
06:12What's a value over?
06:13Seven million.
06:14I like it.
06:15I like it.
06:16I like it.
06:17Yes.
06:18OK, first up...
06:19I could play this every Christmas.
06:20Yes.
06:21That's very good.
06:22OK, mansions.
06:23Did you miss your buzzer?
06:24This may explain why I've never won at this event.
06:26Oh, a bit late now.
06:27We deactivated your buzzer a long time ago to save electricity.
06:30And it's actually worked out very well.
06:31Yes, mansions.
06:32OK, yes, they're being taxed.
06:33Yes, yes.
06:34It's a value of...
06:35What's a value over?
06:36Seven million.
06:37No.
06:38Two million.
06:39Two.
06:40Two million.
06:41There was a discussion about a lower tax threshold, but that disappeared
06:43and had nothing to do with the fact that it meant Keir Starmer
06:45and David Lamming's properties just escape a mansion tax.
06:49Ooh.
06:51It's going to be great for estate agents, isn't it?
06:53Yes.
06:54They're all going to say, I reckon it's worth about 1.99.
06:57Next.
06:58Yeah.
06:59Coffee.
07:00Coffee?
07:01Coffee.
07:02Oh.
07:03Just to give the impression of momentum...
07:06Um...
07:07LAUGHTER
07:08Untaxed.
07:09Yes.
07:10Cappuccinos and flat whites are fine.
07:13Yeah.
07:14Bottled lattes, no.
07:15Really?
07:16Yeah, they're in trouble, unfortunately.
07:17And a sugar tax on drinks has been extended to milkshakes.
07:20Yes.
07:21Good news for Nigel Farage.
07:22LAUGHTER
07:23Fining tax will relax.
07:25Bingo.
07:26Bingo.
07:27That's not what I'm saying.
07:28Yes.
07:29Gambling.
07:30They put tax on gambling.
07:32Bingo's relaxed.
07:33Oh, Bingo's relaxed?
07:34Bingo's relaxed online casino betting.
07:37Right.
07:38Which is the more dangerous one.
07:40Yeah.
07:41They are abolishing the duty on bingo.
07:42Because bingo you can do and you meet other people.
07:45Yeah.
07:46Whereas online they say, come and join the party and you're alone in your room.
07:49Giving them money.
07:50Mm.
07:51How much have you lost over the years?
07:53LAUGHTER
07:54All of it.
07:56All of it.
07:57LAUGHTER
07:58You know, it's good news for people who regularly hear the word house, house being shouted,
08:03with the exception of, of course, Angela Rayner.
08:06LAUGHTER
08:07Who got a special mention from Rachel Reeves in her budget speech.
08:10Santa.
08:11Please say more.
08:12Clause.
08:14LAUGHTER
08:15The government has called back nearly £400 million from Covid fraud,
08:20with Reeves thanking the Covid corruption commissioner, Tom Hayhoe.
08:24LAUGHTER
08:25So £400 million?
08:27Yes.
08:28That's just the change in Baroness Moan's sofa?
08:31Yes.
08:32Tom Hayhoe.
08:33Hayhoe was also Boris's initial response to the pandemic.
08:36LAUGHTER
08:38Would you like to see how Labour's Richard Bergen used some pasta to explain the economy?
08:44Yes, please.
08:45So this is the average salary.
08:47This would be the average house price.
08:49And this would be a million pounds.
08:51But what would a billion pounds look like?
08:54LAUGHTER
08:55No way that cost a billion pounds, even a waitress.
09:05LAUGHTER
09:07LAUGHTER
09:08Also, no-one's told him that you can just cut to that image.
09:14LAUGHTER
09:15No, they're new BBC regulations, you can't mess about with editing now.
09:20LAUGHTER
09:21Richard, we've had some interesting ideas on how to save money this week.
09:22Oh, really?
09:23Yeah.
09:24Do you want to take a look at what you said?
09:25Oh, my God, OK.
09:26Here we go.
09:27Can I say something controversial?
09:28Yeah.
09:29Which is, for years and years on panel shows, I always said, why are we paying comedians?
09:30Because, literally, they're just selling tour tickets off the back of this panel show.
09:33This comedian is getting more from being on this show than we're getting from the comedian being on it.
09:35So, you can't mess about with editing now.
09:36LAUGHTER
09:41Richard, we've had some interesting ideas on how to save money this week.
09:44Oh, really?
09:45Yeah.
09:46Do you want to take a look at what you said?
09:47Oh, my God, OK.
09:48Here we go.
09:49Can I say something controversial?
09:50Yeah.
09:51Which is, for years and years on panel shows, I always said, why are we paying comedians?
09:54Because, literally, they're just selling tour tickets off the back of this panel show.
09:58This comedian is getting more from being on this show than we're getting from the comedian being on it.
10:07So, I mean, you have invoiced for this.
10:10LAUGHTER
10:11Do you want to make it clear that, say, if any of the viewers enjoy your performance,
10:15that they should not translate that enjoyment into buying your books?
10:19Oh, my God, don't...
10:20Whatever you do, don't buy The Impossible Fortune or New York Bookshops now.
10:23Yeah.
10:24I understand that.
10:25You know what?
10:26It's exciting for people because it's such a great Christmas present.
10:29It is.
10:30Because people love the series, they love the characters, they enjoy the movie.
10:33And I think they're revealing the killer at the end.
10:35If I could just say who it was, I mean, it wasn't right.
10:38Yes.
10:39Are you on tour?
10:40No.
10:41Not at the moment.
10:42No.
10:43Right, well, this is a waste of time then.
10:44Yeah.
10:45I'm just doing this because it's the volunteering section of my Duke of Edinburgh.
10:48Can I ask you some questions about the war?
10:49Yeah, is this tour?
10:50OK.
10:51Plus, which one were you in?
11:04The...
11:05This is the long-awaited budget.
11:07The former chief economist at the Bank of England described the lead-up to the budget
11:11as a fiscal fandango.
11:13They have now set up a new body to make sure it never happens again.
11:17A fiscal fandango quango.
11:19LAUGHTER
11:20Wednesday's events were described by The Sun's political editor as the
11:24biggest budget shambles in history.
11:26Mm-hm.
11:27A situation no-one is happy about, apart from maybe quasi-quate.
11:30Mm.
11:31LAUGHTER
11:32And, Richard, here's yours.
11:34The golden doors represent Putin's entrance.
11:37This is one of the more ridiculous things they still do in America,
11:41pardoning Turkish every year.
11:43And there's Father Christmas, who's obviously been on some sort of hunger strike.
11:46LAUGHTER
11:47So Putin, Ukraine, war, not over.
11:51Yes, and that covers a lot of it.
11:53That's pretty good, yes.
11:54It's a diplomatic back and forth.
11:56The Russians are currently considering a revised peace plan.
11:59What was in the first one?
12:01We get everything, and the Ukraine gets nothing.
12:06LAUGHTER
12:07That's the deal.
12:08So, first of all, Ukraine must surrender.
12:10No?
12:11Yep, that's it.
12:12LAUGHTER
12:13Ukraine must surrender.
12:14Yes, they were to hand over territory in the Donbas.
12:17Ukraine had to limit their army to 600,000 men and never join NATO.
12:21Russia got back most of its frozen assets and was allowed to rejoin G7.
12:25They've said, you know, Russia can have the Donbas,
12:28but Ukraine can have tickets to the Strictly Come Dancing tour.
12:31There are.
12:32Give and take.
12:33There's compromise.
12:34It's give and take.
12:35Well, I tell you who does know a lot about this is Steve Rosenberg,
12:38the BBC man in Moscow.
12:40He's going to tell us what he knows.
12:41Let's see what it is.
12:43Do we know of the fine-tuning, if anything,
12:45and what's the response in Russia?
12:47We don't know much.
12:48We don't know what's been taken out of the draft, what's in the draft.
12:52The Russians aren't saying much at all.
12:54What is that feeling in the country, in Russia at the moment?
12:57We simply don't know.
12:59So the next few days will be critical.
13:01But as I say, we don't know what's in the latest draft of the peace plan,
13:05and we don't know if Russia would sign it.
13:08Lots of don't knows,
13:10but important to know what we don't know at this stage.
13:12Steve Rosenberg.
13:16At least he's honest.
13:17Yes.
13:18A robot called A-Idol was showcased in Russia this week.
13:22Would you like to see the robot in action?
13:23Oh, yes, please.
13:24Yeah.
13:25I see.
13:44Oh, yes, I see.
13:46And then I'm ceremony when the mic will start...
13:50Sorry...
13:53That's what the Democrats should have done with Joe Biden.
14:08Remind me why we're scared of Russia.
14:13Who else has been accused of being pro-Russian?
14:16Putin.
14:18The former leader of reform in Wales.
14:22That's right, yes.
14:24He's been convicted and given ten and a half years.
14:27He was convicted and sent to prison for taking Russian bribes.
14:31What else has come back to haunt Farage?
14:34Oh, his alleged racist school days at Dunwich College.
14:38Yes, that's right.
14:39Farage denies the accusations of anti-Semitism and told the BBC,
14:43I have never directly racially abused anybody.
14:47I think if anyone says to you the statement,
14:50have you ever racially abused anyone, you say,
14:53can I just add one word?
14:54That's all they need.
14:55Yes.
14:56Yes.
14:57Directly is doing a lot of heavy lifting.
14:58It really is.
14:59Yeah.
15:00Paul, you mentioned who Trump pardoned this week.
15:03The turkeys.
15:04Yes.
15:05Gibble and gobble or something.
15:06Waddle and daub or something like that.
15:07Gobble and waddle.
15:08The only footballers I know.
15:09Gobble and waddle.
15:10Do you want to see the actual ceremony?
15:11Yes.
15:12Yes.
15:13It is a ceremony.
15:14Yeah, go on.
15:15Gobble, I just want to tell you this very important.
15:18You are hereby unconditionally pardoned.
15:25I thought that was Ghislaine Maxwell.
15:27Yeah.
15:28She's in there somewhere.
15:29Yeah.
15:30Yeah.
15:31I'm surprised he didn't get cross because the turkey did interrupt him.
15:34I thought he'd say, quiet, turkey.
15:37Staying with our favourite world leaders,
15:40what has Nicolas Sarkozy announced this week?
15:43He's in jail, isn't he?
15:44No, he's out now.
15:45Oh, he's out?
15:46Yeah, he's out.
15:47No, well, he's publishing a diary of his 20 days in prison.
15:50It's more of a pamphlet, really.
15:53What do we already know about his eating habits in Le Slamour?
15:58We eat the bixen ketamine.
15:59Yeah.
16:02The breakfast of champions.
16:03Yeah.
16:04The E17 diet.
16:10Well, he wouldn't eat the prison food in case it was poisoned.
16:13Right.
16:14He ate nothing but yoghurt.
16:17But you can poison yoghurt.
16:18You can poison yoghurt, yeah.
16:19Well, it's probably easier to poison yoghurt than a lot of things.
16:21Yeah, absolutely.
16:22He should eat coconuts, something difficult to poison.
16:25Yeah.
16:26Nice.
16:27Yes.
16:28For more.
16:29Yes.
16:30Speaking of world leaders in prison, who's been put away?
16:34The former Brazilian president, Jair Bolsonaro.
16:38Yes.
16:39Yes, which allowed Brazilian journalist Manuela Borges the opportunity to revisit an interview she did with him back in 2014.
16:45Let's take a look.
16:46Say beauty and a Together Burger Road yes David Bay national Jakarta, yes but my generation is the American one that is all under the film uh the main character and Norton.
16:53Anybody from the last to the pub?
16:54It Who is?
16:55Why?
16:56Zero preparing all of us our other time those women have an identity of the nation.
16:57Yes to benefit you?
16:58A Chain of players.
16:59I hope that's a rehearsal for Trump.
17:15The thing about that prison, though, I'm looking at the rather impressive gate,
17:19but if you look just behind her, it's a completely open field there.
17:22They could just walk out that way.
17:24President Trump has been sporting a new look recently.
17:28Have you noticed what the new look is?
17:30He's wearing an overcoat and a scarf, isn't he?
17:32Exactly, yes. This is considered a new look.
17:34He looks like Michael Caine in Muppets Christmas Carol.
17:37LAUGHTER
17:39And there's Piggy.
17:41Brilliant.
17:43He's supposedly copying New York mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani.
17:48They had a very nice meeting, the two of them.
17:50Yes, which we can see now.
17:52He asked about your comment calling the president a fascist,
17:56and your answer was,
17:58both President Trump and I have been clear about our positions and our views.
18:02Are you affirming that you think President Trump is a fascist?
18:05I've spoken about...
18:06That's OK, you can just say yes.
18:07OK, all right.
18:08OK.
18:09It's easier.
18:10It's easier than explaining it.
18:12I don't mind.
18:13LAUGHTER
18:15What garment are Republicans and MAGA devotees furious about?
18:24Not the MAGA hats.
18:25Not the MAGA hat.
18:26It's this jumper from J.Crew.
18:28LAUGHTER
18:30They're furious because a pink jumper feminises the man,
18:33that's what they feel.
18:34Real men dance to YMCA.
18:36Yes.
18:37According to the V&A, it was only in the early part of the 20th century
18:41that pink became associated with femininity.
18:43It's always been a sign of power, authority and wealth.
18:46Um...
18:47LAUGHTER
18:48That's your boy.
18:50He is so handsome and smells so great,
18:53I spelt his name wrong when I signed his book.
18:55I was so...
18:56I had to literally go into a bookshop and buy another copy of my own book
18:59to sign it again and say,
19:01I'm so sorry I spelt your name wrong,
19:03I was distracted by how handsome you were.
19:05What did you write in this book? Just...
19:07Mmm...
19:08Mmm...
19:09I literally...
19:10I just wrote my phone number.
19:12Sure.
19:13You're buying copies of your best-selling book.
19:16Why do you think it's best-selling?
19:18LAUGHTER
19:19That's how you do it.
19:21APPLAUSE
19:24Now, did you know that in New York,
19:27a fashion show has featured clothing made from wool
19:29of exclusively gay sheep?
19:32LAUGHTER
19:33This is true.
19:35What do you think the name of the company that make gay sheep garments?
19:38Scarborough Streisand.
19:40LAUGHTER
19:41I will survive.
19:43LAUGHTER
19:46I once put on a jumper...
19:49Uh-huh.
19:50..and spent the whole day sort of getting a lot of double takes,
19:52but I kind of really thought,
19:53hey, I'm having a great day today.
19:55And then I came home and glanced at myself in the mirror
19:58and what happened was I'd actually worn quite a big sort of puffy top
20:02underneath that I presumed would collapse.
20:05And, unfortunately, it hadn't collapsed.
20:07Um...
20:08Let's see the picture.
20:09LAUGHTER
20:15This is the attempt to end the war in Ukraine,
20:18which Donald Trump wanted to be sorted by Thanksgiving Day on Thursday.
20:21I mean, what a berk.
20:23Everyone knows the best chance of securing a good deal is to wait till Black Friday.
20:27LAUGHTER
20:28On to round two this week,
20:30the producers have built an AI version of me
20:33in an attempt to make me more relatable.
20:35This is Richard.
20:37AI...
20:38Well, they've accurately copied my enthusiasm level.
20:52LAUGHTER
20:53OK, Richard AI...
20:55..is going to give us a picture clue.
20:57Fingers on brothers, pings.
20:59Let's do this.
21:00BUZZER
21:01This is a man who's advertising for a wife.
21:06Is he a lord?
21:07He's an aristocrat.
21:08Sir Benjamin says he's looking for a partner.
21:10What attributes does 79-year-old Sir Benjamin look for in a woman?
21:14An ability to resist gunfire, by the way.
21:18LAUGHTER
21:19A bulletproof vest.
21:20Yes.
21:21He's got a couple of requirements.
21:22He told the Times that the next lady's slate must...
21:24Yes.
21:25..be at least 20 years younger.
21:27Be 5ft 6 inches tall.
21:29Have a driving license.
21:30Helicopter license is beneficial.
21:31Not be a Scorpio.
21:32Have a family coat of arms.
21:33Know how to run two castles.
21:34Not be Scotts.
21:35Not be Scotts.
21:36Not be Scotts.
21:37Not be an Eskimo.
21:38Not come from a country that begins with the letter I
21:40and has green in the flag.
21:41Not come from a country where they don't wear overcoats in winter.
21:44Not be a Guardian reader.
21:46And finally, have a shotgun license.
21:48LAUGHTER
21:49I could do that.
21:50I don't have a pension plan, do you know what I mean?
21:52So...
21:53There is one more stipulation for his license.
21:55I could do that.
21:56I don't have a pension plan.
21:57Do you know what I mean?
21:58So...
21:59There is one more stipulation for his license.
22:01I could do that.
22:02I don't have a pension plan.
22:03Do you know what I mean?
22:04So...
22:05There is one more stipulation for his future partner.
22:08What do you think that is?
22:09They must be criminally insane.
22:12LAUGHTER
22:13They do need to provide him with at least two sons.
22:17An heir and a spare.
22:19So he must be a good breeder.
22:21LAUGHTER
22:23Are you sure he's looking for a person?
22:25LAUGHTER
22:26Well, one of his pet peeves is that he's not keen on foreigners.
22:32He told The Independent in 2008,
22:35The Russians are dishonest.
22:36The Chinese are impossible.
22:38The Arabs are a nightmare.
22:40And the Brazilians are only good for sex, football and dancing.
22:43LAUGHTER
22:45Is he entering politics at all?
22:47LAUGHTER
22:48I don't think he's entering anything anytime soon.
22:50LAUGHTER
22:51Fear not, he told The Sun not long ago that he could make love for a weekend
22:59fuelled by oysters and erectile dysfunction drugs.
23:02LAUGHTER
23:04I mean, it's incredible he's single.
23:05He's such a catch.
23:07LAUGHTER
23:08In other news, what Barry Cryer joke made it into the news?
23:12The parrot in the brothel.
23:13Not that one.
23:14It's not the jazz drummer who was so bad, the other musicians in the band said,
23:17You've got no sense of timing, you know, you're just awful.
23:20And one night he was feeling suicidal and he went down to the railway station
23:23and threw himself behind a train.
23:25LAUGHTER
23:30Is it that one?
23:31Would that it were?
23:32Is it knock knock, who's there? Grandad, stop the funeral.
23:34That one.
23:35LAUGHTER
23:36That happened this week.
23:37It happened in real life.
23:38Did it?
23:39Yes, during a funeral, staff at Temple were startled when they heard
23:43a faint knocking sound from inside the coffin
23:45and found that the woman inside was still alive.
23:48LAUGHTER
23:49What else might have been a giveaway?
23:51She was screaming, let me out!
23:53LAUGHTER
23:54Temple manager told the press, I saw her opening her eyes slightly.
23:58LAUGHTER
23:59That's not enough.
24:00Just shut the lid, mate.
24:01LAUGHTER
24:03It's all been paid for.
24:05LAUGHTER
24:06It was a happy surprise for the family,
24:08but they were slightly annoyed because some had driven 300 miles
24:10to reach a crematorium.
24:11LAUGHTER
24:12Always bury locally.
24:14LAUGHTER
24:15That's a good slogan.
24:17In fact, go out in the brown bin.
24:19That's what I say.
24:20LAUGHTER
24:22This is the ageing aristocrat, Sir Benjamin Slade,
24:25who has made it known he is on the hunt for a new wife.
24:28The successful candidate will be 20 years younger,
24:32paid £50,000 a year to run his household
24:35and preferably be able to fly a helicopter.
24:38So, a six-year-old woman who's desperate for money
24:40and somewhere to live and also knows about helicopters.
24:43Here it comes.
24:44LAUGHTER
24:45LAUGHTER
24:46Sir Benjamin insists he doesn't want to marry a woman from countries
24:52beginning with I, who have green in their flag, adding,
24:56I don't mind Canadians, Americans, Germans and Northern Europeans,
25:00what I like to call similar people.
25:03LAUGHTER
25:04I think reform have just found their new foreign secretary.
25:07LAUGHTER
25:09Fingers on buzzers, teams.
25:11I love people.
25:12Let's have another question, gang.
25:14LAUGHTER
25:22It's this six and seven thing, isn't it?
25:24Yes.
25:25This is something that young people have got obsessed with
25:27and nobody would seem to really know what it means.
25:28According to ditry.com, it's meaningless.
25:30LAUGHTER
25:32I think the fact that it's not quite certain what it is
25:36is the thing that amuses them the most.
25:38Yeah.
25:39That is unexplainable.
25:40It's like the budget, isn't it?
25:41Yes.
25:42Who's the latest popular celebrity to take part in the viral dance meme?
25:45Keir Starmer.
25:46Yeah.
25:47Yes, it is.
25:48Yeah, I know.
25:49That's why I said it.
25:50Keir Starmer.
25:51Where did he use it, do you know?
25:52In a school.
25:53Yes.
25:54In Peterborough.
25:55Yeah.
25:56And he was told not to.
25:57Yeah.
25:58And he got in trouble.
25:59That's flipping right.
26:00Yeah.
26:01I think we should solemnise this by seeing him being rebuked.
26:02Doing what?
26:03Solemise it.
26:04Oh, that was close, wasn't it?
26:05Yeah.
26:06Yeah.
26:07It's not easy having a speech impediment.
26:08No.
26:09Not in the baths I go to.
26:10Yeah.
26:11Let's see the footage.
26:12Yep.
26:13Oh, it's not on the paper.
26:14Six-seven.
26:15Yeah.
26:16Six-seven.
26:17Yeah.
26:18Six-seven.
26:19Everybody...
26:20Six-seven.
26:21Are you doing page six-seven?
26:22We're not over that yet.
26:23We're not over that yet.
26:24We're not over that.
26:25Still very much.
26:26LAUGHTER
26:27LAUGHTER
26:28LAUGHTER
26:34Was this filmed at the Junior Academy of Useless Jugglers?
26:38LAUGHTER
26:39They took away his Tamagotchi as well after that.
26:42LAUGHTER
26:43And you were right, he was told off.
26:45He was told off by the headmistress.
26:46We've been trying to stop him doing that.
26:47Yeah.
26:48You come along, you great bozo in there.
26:49They're all doing that.
26:50Yes.
26:51Who do you think you are?
26:52Finally, what makes you an adult?
26:54There was some research saying that you're not an adult
26:57neurologically until you're 30.
26:59Yes, you've still got a teenage brain.
27:00That's absolutely right.
27:01Yes.
27:02According to a new study by neuroscientists at the University of Cambridge,
27:05your brain only enters adulthood at the age of 32.
27:09So, from nine until 32, we have the brain of an adolescent,
27:13which makes you an adolescent.
27:14Shut up!
27:15LAUGHTER
27:17APPLAUSE
27:22And I think it's good that you express yourself like that,
27:25but I also think that there are ways that you can choose
27:28that actually respect the other person when you...
27:30LAUGHTER
27:31I'm sorry.
27:32That's OK.
27:33But shut up!
27:35LAUGHTER
27:36This is great.
27:37This is next year's John Lewis Christmas outfit.
27:39LAUGHTER
27:41Did anyone see presenter Peter Levy talking about Christmas trees
27:44this week?
27:45No, didn't know about it.
27:46Well, it's a hell of a clip.
27:47Go on in.
27:48Let us look.
27:49Mine's only a small one, but it did go up this weekend.
27:53LAUGHTER
27:54The Christmas tree went...
27:57LAUGHTER
27:58Have you...
27:59Has your Christmas tree gone up here?
28:01Let me know what you think of this one.
28:03LAUGHTER
28:04Is it illuminated?
28:05Yeah.
28:06This is Keir Starmer breaking school rules like a baller
28:10by encouraging pupils to do the 6-7 dance.
28:13After being rebuked by the head teacher for breaking school rules,
28:16Starmer joked,
28:17I think I just got myself put in detention.
28:19Don't worry, Keir.
28:20Wherever you are,
28:21the last thing anyone wants
28:22is for you to stay behind even longer.
28:24LAUGHTER
28:26According to The Independent,
28:28the term 6-7 is often blurted out
28:30when 6 and 7 are mentioned together,
28:32as in,
28:33the England cricket team are 20 for 6.
28:35Oh, 7.
28:36LAUGHTER
28:37Time now for the missing words round,
28:39which this week features as its guest publication,
28:41Cuttings,
28:42the newsletter of the British Lawnmower Racing Association.
28:46LAUGHTER
28:47And we start with,
28:48The winner of a lawnmower race can expect what?
28:51To never feel the touch of a woman.
28:54LAUGHTER
28:56I don't suppose the answer is fuck all, is it?
28:58LAUGHTER
29:00The winner of a lawnmower race can expect to receive
29:02a giant spanner saying King Dick on it.
29:05LAUGHTER
29:06I was right.
29:07Yeah, you were right.
29:09Next,
29:10Many women are now paying £70 to spend half an hour what?
29:14Alone?
29:15LAUGHTER
29:17Many women are now paying £70 to spend half an hour
29:21smashing up appliances with a baseball bat.
29:25LAUGHTER
29:26This is the news that 90% of customers at so-called rage rooms
29:29are women.
29:30I've got a rage room,
29:31it's a place that I go when I get very furious
29:33and I'll go in there and I will tut.
29:36LAUGHTER
29:39Next,
29:40Shock as what wins election?
29:43Lawnmower.
29:44Labour Party.
29:46LAUGHTER
29:47Eileen Jacobs.
29:49That's the closest answer yet.
29:51Is it?
29:52Shock as Adolf Hitler wins election.
29:55Not that one.
29:56LAUGHTER
29:57This Adolf Hitler is a local councillor in Namibia.
30:00There would be someone called Eileen Jacobs at home
30:02and Paul would have said her name.
30:03Firstly, she'd be like,
30:04Oh, my God, Eileen Jacobs.
30:05Yeah.
30:06And then you'd go,
30:07Yeah, that's the closest yet.
30:08It was Adolf Hitler.
30:09Yeah.
30:10LAUGHTER
30:11Well, Eileen needs to stop her programme of National Socialism.
30:14Now the BBC is going to get sued by Eileen Jacobs as well.
30:17Yeah.
30:18Come on, Eileen.
30:19LAUGHTER
30:20APPLAUSE
30:21Next, police advisor called prostitutes what?
30:25On Monday when they're not so busy.
30:26LAUGHTER
30:27APPLAUSE
30:28Police advisor called prostitutes sexual entrepreneurs.
30:40The guidance has been welcomed by several Met Police officers
30:43who can now claim they were simply investing in a start-up.
30:46LAUGHTER
30:48Next, scientists revealed that what can turn you into a sex machine?
30:52Oh, I know this one.
30:53Is it becoming the Archbishop of York?
30:55LAUGHTER
30:57I think I read this.
30:58I think it's editing private eye.
31:00LAUGHTER
31:01Oh, yes.
31:02Yes.
31:03APPLAUSE
31:04Scientists reveal that eating lots of paella can turn you into a sex machine.
31:09According to website Female First,
31:11Iranian scientists last year found that saffron significantly ramped up desire,
31:15arousal and orgasm intensity.
31:17Good to know they're not all working on a nuclear bomb.
31:20LAUGHTER
31:22Finally, you can now stay in a hotel suite themed around what?
31:29Is it themed around the game show Guess That Carpet Stain?
31:32Yeah.
31:33Yes.
31:34LAUGHTER
31:35You can now stay in a hotel suite themed around Jeremy Clarkson.
31:41Here it is.
31:43Does the food arrive cold and you have to hit someone?
31:49LAUGHTER
31:51Fans of Jeremy Clarkson can spend the night surrounded by quotes from Jeremy Clarkson,
31:55photos of Jeremy Clarkson while reading books written by Jeremy Clarkson.
31:59The room has already been reserved for its first guest, Jeremy Clarkson.
32:02LAUGHTER
32:03So, the final scores are Ian and Bella have four, Paul and Richard have four.
32:08Hooray!
32:09APPLAUSE
32:12On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Bella Hull,
32:17Paul Merton and Richard Osman, and I leave you with news that...
32:20After it's agreed that a number of rows named after the former Prince Andrew are to be renamed,
32:25some instances are considered to be more pressing than others.
32:29LAUGHTER
32:34As Jeremy Corbyn appears in panto for the first time,
32:37a record number of people arrive at the theatre carrying rotten tomatoes.
32:41LAUGHTER
32:45At a private event in London, there's relief as staff manage to turn off the microphones
32:49just as one of the attendees launches into his old school song.
32:54LAUGHTER
32:57And at a Tom Jones concert in Cardiff, one excitable granny whips off her briefs
33:01and prepares to throw them on stage.
33:04LAUGHTER
33:07Good night.
33:09APPLAUSE
33:21Life after Motherland.
33:23She's making a big splash in Amanda Land.
33:26Comedy on iPlayer.
33:28This and everything across the BBC is made possible because we're funded by you.
33:34APPLAUSE
33:36MUSIC
33:41MUSIC
33:42MUSIC
33:44MUSIC
33:45MUSIC
33:46MUSIC
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