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Tv, Allo Allo S6E01 -Desperate Doings in the Graveyard
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00:00What a morning this has been.
00:24My wife, Edith, has just been going through all her songs with her new pianist.
00:28He, by a strange coincidence, just happens to be the twin brother of Monsieur Leclerc, the old forger.
00:34Ernest, for that is his name, was being visited by Roger in the Nick,
00:39where he was serving a rather long sentence for driving a getaway car without due care and attention.
00:45Anyway, Roger decided to swap places with his brother because he was of the opinion
00:49that the prison food was better than that being served here by my wife, Edith.
00:53And so Ernest has now got his feet well and truly under our table.
00:57But it will only be a short while before he realises just how right his brother was about the food.
01:08What did I tell you?
01:10So, if you will bear with me.
01:12Now, those of you with good memories may recall that a few months ago,
01:16upon the orders of General von Klinkeroffen,
01:18I was arrested, put in front of a firing squad, and shot.
01:22Fortunately, the colonel substituted wooden bullets for the real ones.
01:26Lieutenant Gruber, who was in charge of the shooting party, was unaware of this
01:29and still believes that I am my own twin brother.
01:33Lieutenant Gruber, you may remember, is the one who fancies me.
01:35I also fancied my twin brother.
01:41Which is hardly surprising because that was me as well.
01:45Are you with me so far?
01:46So, in order to keep up the illusion,
01:48from time to time, Edith and I place flowers upon my grave.
01:52Well, the grave...
01:52So, there we are.
01:54A fitting tribute to a fine and much-loved man.
01:58Me.
01:59Ah, hi, Edith.
02:02In fact, where is your act?
02:04Are you not going with me to the cemetery?
02:06No, I have an appointment at the hairdressers.
02:10Renée, would you place for me upon your grave this tribute?
02:13The village expect it.
02:21The village would not expect that.
02:25Renée.
02:27Edith.
02:28You are not coming to pay respects to my sacred memory in your curlers.
02:32I am not coming at all.
02:34How quickly they forget.
02:36I have not forgotten.
02:38Then you have flowers for me.
02:39You are hiding them behind your back.
02:40I thought you could take for me this rhubarb.
02:43The stalks are too floppy to make puddings,
02:46but the leaves are quite pretty.
02:48Edith, I will not be remembered with floppy rhubarb.
02:52Renée.
02:54And I am not having that on my grave, I am.
02:56I was dusting.
02:58You are wanted in the back room by Michelle of the Resistance.
03:00Oh, Eke, why can she not take her business elsewhere?
03:03I am glad I caught you in time.
03:10We do not wish you to go near the churchyard in case the Germans suspect something is going on there.
03:15What could be going on there?
03:17Beneath the empty grave, which is supposed to contain the body of your dead twin brother,
03:21we are building a communication centre.
03:24Six undertakers have been for the last six weeks, day and night, excavating.
03:28What is wrong with the radio in the bedroom of my mother?
03:32The Germans jam it.
03:34We have a new plan of escape for the British Airmen.
03:36We must be able to contact England to tell them when to put it into effect.
03:40We need a bigger aerial to give our signal more power.
03:44It will be ready for testing within the next 24 hours.
03:47When I give the word, we will all go to the churchyard and place on your grave flowers.
03:52For this reason, you must not go today.
03:54I do not think this rhubarb will last until tomorrow.
04:04Make a pie for your mother.
04:07I must leave you in grotesque.
04:09I am late for bomb practice.
04:14I think they have started without you.
04:18René, Officer Crabtree is coming across the square.
04:20Well, he is not coming in my café again.
04:22I think that the appalling French accent of his will get us all shot.
04:26Good morning.
04:31What a nice do it is with the sin shoning and not a clot in the sky.
04:37Yes, it is indeed a lovely do.
04:40Will you please pass off?
04:42I have good news.
04:49The British nabby have a plin.
04:55An aeroplin?
04:57No, a rescue plin for the British earmen.
05:01That is indeed good news.
05:02Don't you starve.
05:03This is the plin.
05:06When the time is root, they will wick down the canal to the ostuary, where they will be pocked up by a submarine.
05:16What?
05:17How are they supposed to walk down the canal?
05:20They are six feet tall.
05:21The canal is eight feet deep.
05:23They will drown.
05:24That is the clever bot.
05:27On their hods, they will carry an upturned tin bath.
05:32No, he has lost me.
05:35Ah, I think he means a tin bath.
05:38They have just practised and it wicks.
05:40If I had not seen it with my own eyes, I would not believe it.
06:02If you do not mind me saying, Herr Flick, you will soon wear a hole in our commandeered carpet.
06:15I will continue pacing until I have found an answer to my question.
06:19If I knew the question, perhaps I could be of help.
06:23Your single brain cell would be better employed putting on the kettle.
06:27Yes, Herr Flick.
06:31Stop.
06:32I have got it.
06:34May my single brain cell ask what you have got?
06:38The answer to the question that has vexed us ever since we first occupied this town.
06:44How do we pull the crumpet?
06:48That is not the question that has vexed us.
06:51It has vexed me.
06:54The question is this.
06:57How do we discover who hides the British airmen when they have been shot down?
07:02Answer.
07:03We disguise ourselves as British airmen who have been shot down.
07:07Why wish I had thought of that?
07:09You are too busy thinking about crumpet.
07:13Question two.
07:15How do we convince the resistance that we are genuine British airmen?
07:19We carry cricket bats.
07:22Good thinking.
07:24But rather obvious.
07:27No.
07:28We wear British uniforms and we both jump out of a captured British Wellington.
07:33A British Wellington's big enough.
07:40I am talking about a British Wellington bomber.
07:43The resistance will then take us to their secret headquarters.
07:48We will make a note of its whereabouts and their identities.
07:51And we will return with the army to effect the capture.
07:55Oh, a most ingenious plan, Herr Flick.
07:58I cannot see it failing.
08:00Then we have but one task.
08:03To learn enough English to fool the French.
08:05Fortunately, the Gestapo have provided a comprehensive record library.
08:12Here it is.
08:14Tibetan in three months.
08:19There will be big bombers over the White Cliffs of Dover tomorrow.
08:23Just you wait and see.
08:26Sung by Goering.
08:27Oh, here is the one.
08:32How to fool the French that you are English in one easy lesson.
08:39Here is the English to fool the French peasants.
08:42Repeat after me.
08:45Fa, fa, fa, fa, fa, fa, fa, fa, fa.
08:47Fa, fa, fa, fa, fa, fa, fa, fa, fa, fa, fa.
08:49Fa, fa, fa, fa, fa, fa, fa.
08:52Fa, fa, fa, fa, fa, fa, fa.
08:54Private elder, the beautiful lady, I kiss your hand.
09:05What are you doing with my typewriter?
09:08I compose for you the beautiful poem.
09:12You listen good.
09:14Your wonderful smile drives me out of my wits.
09:18I love your eyes and your...
09:20Captain Bertorelli?
09:23And your other nice bits.
09:26I've got a surprise and I hope that it fits.
09:31Captain Bertorelli?
09:33All of you are from Italy.
09:35The silk are liberty bodies.
09:38See?
09:40In it there is a lot of liberty.
09:43I must go. The colonel wants me.
09:47We all are one to you.
09:50You called, colonel?
09:55I've been calling you for half an hour.
09:57Where have you been?
09:58I've been with Herr Flick.
10:00And what nastiness is he cooking up?
10:03I have to report he has a most ingenious plan to find out who is helping the British Airmen to escape.
10:08Herr Flick and Herr von Schmallhausen intend to disguise themselves as British Airmen
10:13so that the resistance will pick them up and take them to their secret hiding place.
10:16I do not like the idea of the Gestapo being successful where we have failed.
10:20But, colonel, suppose the trail should lead to the cafe and René?
10:25If René's involved, it's entirely his own fault.
10:28We've warned him often enough.
10:30Could we not drop him a hint?
10:32No, Gruber.
10:33I absolutely forbid you to drop anything.
10:38Fornello, René is the good man, eh?
10:41He has the nice wife, the nice serving girls.
10:44What afore you want to drop him in the what's-it?
10:47Because if General von Klinkerhofen finds out that we've tipped him off, we could all be shot.
10:53Could we not make an anonymous call?
10:56Lieutenant Gruber, that's the great idea.
10:58You make him the anonymous call, eh?
11:00I would willingly do this, but I fear that he would recognize the tone of my voice.
11:05You're quite right, Gruber.
11:06I will make the call.
11:08Put over the mouth a piece the anchor chief.
11:10Like in the gangster movies with the Humphrey Bogart.
11:13How does Humphrey Bogart do it?
11:15Eh, Russian sweetheart.
11:18Get out of town or you're going to find yourself wearing a concrete overcoater.
11:25All right, all right.
11:26I've got it.
11:30It's me.
11:34Cathy René, can I help you?
11:41Oh, listen.
11:42Sweetheart, get out of town or you will find yourself wearing a concrete overcoat.
11:55Colonel, do you wish to order a table?
12:04I think the Colonel must be going round the twist.
12:07He mentioned something about a concrete overcoat.
12:10Oh, he was probably referring to your wife's pastry.
12:17Oh, René.
12:19How I long for the day when I can cook for you.
12:23So do I, Evette.
12:25I promise, there will always be something hot on the table for you.
12:34I can just imagine.
12:35Oh, René.
12:38Hold me.
12:40Crush the breath from my body with your strong arms.
12:43Kiss me so that the great surging tide of emotion drowns me in ecstasy.
12:50Well, I suppose I could try.
12:54Oh, René!
12:56What are you doing with that girl?
13:01You stupid woman!
13:05Are you not aware that this girl has not been to the dentist for three months?
13:08And you never check the servant's teeth.
13:12She has a great big bad molar in the back there.
13:15Oh!
13:16Oh, René.
13:17I am so sorry I have let you down.
13:20Oh, can you forgive me?
13:22Well, just this once.
13:24But do not let it happen again.
13:26Now, off you go into the kitchen.
13:27Bite on a clove of garlic for the pain.
13:29I will book you into the dentist.
13:33Mama!
13:35What are you doing out of bed?
13:36I am fed up with bed.
13:39I am fed up with bed.
13:41Loneliness.
13:43And, and sin soup.
13:47To think that once I was the most talked about woman in Paris.
13:53Mama, we talk about you.
13:55Yes, we say, what is the old bat up to now?
14:00Well, it is all about to come to an end.
14:03Oh, Mama, do not say that.
14:06You have years left.
14:08Certainly months.
14:11Monsieur Ernest Leclerc has asked me to marry him.
14:16And I intend to accept.
14:19Mama!
14:21My God, he is a fast worker.
14:22He's only been here 24 hours.
14:25Ernest has rekindled the dying embers of my love.
14:30I am surprised he has any wind left in his bellows.
14:35Do not insult him.
14:38He is clear of eye.
14:41Young at heart.
14:43And, er, well, er,
14:46the rest of him is coming along quite well.
14:48It is he, Leclerc.
14:52Oh, Ernest!
14:54Oh, Ernest!
14:56Oh!
14:58Oh!
15:00Oh, funny!
15:02Funny!
15:04I have something for you.
15:07I, I, I have a ring for you.
15:10See?
15:11Look how it sparkles in the light.
15:15Oh, Ernest!
15:16It is a whopper!
15:18Oh!
15:20Oh!
15:22But, er, how could you afford such a ring?
15:26You forget the trade I was in when we met.
15:29Was he a jeweler?
15:31He was a burglar.
15:33Say, tell me to the town square
15:36and I will tell the world of our love.
15:38Yes, off you go.
15:39Your wheelchair and crutches are just outside.
15:41Oh, Ernest, do not worry.
15:43You are not losing a mother-in-law.
15:45You are gaining a father-in-law.
15:48Oh, my God.
15:52Baba, when will the happy event take place?
15:56Oh.
15:58As soon as possible after we are married.
16:01What a stupid...
16:11General von Klinkhofen!
16:18Hi Hitler!
16:20I am most dissatisfied with the way you are running this town.
16:22You have not arrested anybody in the resistance.
16:25You have failed to find any trace of any missing airmen.
16:28It has now come to my attention
16:29that there is curious activity in the churchyard.
16:32Mounds of earth are appearing all over the place,
16:35but nobody is being buried.
16:37Guber, arrest Monsieur Alphonse the undertaker
16:39and we will interrogate him.
16:41I have already arrested him,
16:43but I am not satisfied with your interrogation procedures.
16:46I intend to remain here while you question him.
16:48Let him be brought in.
16:52Bring him in here!
16:58Hunt!
16:59You may dismiss.
17:04Now then, Colonel, interrogate him.
17:07Go ahead, Guber.
17:09Ah.
17:14Good morning.
17:15Do not say good morning.
17:16Walk round him, slowly,
17:21looking at him closely.
17:23Then stand behind him.
17:25This always puts him in a state of anxiety.
17:28What the General says is quite correct.
17:29Girl!
17:37What is your name?
17:39We know his name!
17:41There are distinct guidelines in the manual of interrogation.
17:43Use them.
17:44Of course, General.
17:45Yes.
17:47Right.
17:49Now, listen to me carefully and understand this.
17:54We know everything.
17:57In that case, can I go?
17:59No, I cannot go!
18:02Ask him about the mounds of earth.
18:04Of course.
18:05What about the mounds of earth?
18:07What mounds of earth?
18:08We're off the questions!
18:20Where exactly did you see them, General?
18:22In the graveyard!
18:24In the graveyard.
18:26Why are little mounds of earth appearing in the graveyard?
18:30Could it perhaps be the moles?
18:33That seems a perfectly logical explanation.
18:36Not to me.
18:39You are up to something.
18:41Six of your gravediggers have been at work night and day,
18:45but no one is getting buried.
18:47How do you account for this?
18:49Well, you see, General,
18:51in the summertime,
18:52when business is slack,
18:54we try to stock up for the winter.
18:58That is the time when they pop off.
19:02Are you satisfied with this explanation, Colonel?
19:05Definitely not, General.
19:06Well, I am.
19:10Be more careful in future.
19:12Yes, General.
19:15My card.
19:1724-hour service.
19:19I will bury you swiftly and with style.
19:23And if your garden should require attention,
19:26I also do edge cutting and re-turfing.
19:29Go away!
19:31Go away.
19:33Keep an eye on the graveyard.
19:35I am not satisfied with this explanation.
19:38But, General,
19:40when I said I was not satisfied,
19:42you were very cross.
19:44Colonel,
19:45General,
19:46sometimes you are thick as two short fat planks.
19:48General,
19:49sometimes you are thick as two short fat planks.
19:50You are the ones who are alive.
19:52Just me.
19:54Go away.
19:56You are not satisfied.
19:57Time is satisfied at the same time,
19:58you are not satisfied with the dry forest.
20:00Most of you are missing.
20:01You are not satisfied with me.
20:02You are not satisfied with you.
20:04You are not satisfied with me,
20:05you are not satisfied with me.
20:07It is not satisfied with you.
20:13where have you been i've been waiting an hour the operation must be cancelled i've just been
20:27interrogated by the very nasty general with the piggy face could you reveal anything nothing
20:32but they suspect something we will have to risk it the airmen are ready to make their rendezvous
20:39this evening we must use the radio to alert england so that a submarine can be sent
20:43is it working this is our mechanical aerials expert oh i see she would make anything work
20:51show him the slab
20:56the aerial
21:03enough does it not go higher it rises to 20 feet above ground level but we must not risk that
21:18the germans could see it my god what ingenuity what a remarkable mind you must possess mademoiselle
21:25the idea came to me late at night in my bed
21:32and sometimes one does get the best ideas there
21:38but they don't last long
21:44where have you been there are customers to be served we need you behind the bar i have a message for
21:54rennie from michelle
21:57rennie michelle has a message for you how unusual
22:01michelle says you are to go to your grave
22:03what
22:05the one where your twin brother is buried you will take these flowers
22:09and here is the message that you are to send to england on the radio
22:12look why me why can you not send a message
22:15because you are the hero of the resistance london will only respond to your voice
22:20michelle says the halo which operates the opening of the slab has gone wonky
22:25you will have to press the cherub's buzzer
22:31and where is the cherub's buzzer
22:33here is a picture of the cherub
22:35i hope the arrow points to his buzzer
22:42well i hope the vicar is not looking out of his window
22:46yes go at once
22:48i will look after the bar
22:50and i will do the cab away
22:52just look after the bar
22:54you
22:57ah
23:00elga
23:01shut the door
23:02be sure that no one approaches
23:05i am calling rennie
23:07in case he does not take seriously the colonel's warning
23:10it is in all our interests that he keeps clean his nose
23:13hello
23:15may i speak please to rennie
23:17oh
23:19oh dear
23:20thank you
23:22he has gone to the churchyard to place flowers on the grave of his brother
23:27the one you shot
23:29i am afraid so
23:32you will understand helga that i still feel most uncomfortable about that matter
23:38i feel his presence you know
23:41i wake at night
23:43seeing him at the end of the bed
23:45he points his finger at me and he says
23:48jacuz
23:49jacuz
23:50jacuz
23:51who is this jacuz
23:54i have no idea
23:58i feel that i too should place flowers on his grave
24:02unfortunately i have no flowers and the shops will be shut
24:05i will commandeer some from the grave of a peasant
24:08no helga that would not be appropriate
24:12we will steal some from the colonel's garden
24:23ah
24:24have we been singing
24:25no the coast is clear
24:27press the cherub's buzzer
24:29quick
24:42into the crib
24:43mr ronet
25:00huh
25:01did you on your way see a girl very tall uh uh mackintosh bare legs little white socks long blonde hair black shoes with high heels
25:11not that i recall no
25:14in that case there is no one to operate this very complicated machinery
25:17oh dear what a pity
25:19let us go home
25:20no
25:21we will wait for her
25:22no no no
25:23the message must be delivered in thirty seconds from now
25:26perhaps she will turn up
25:28the churchyards are very spook here are they not
25:35yes
25:39there is a strange chill
25:42i feel the presence of rennie's twin brother most strongly
25:46let us quickly place the flowers on his tomb and return to the warmth of our quarters
25:51quarters? I think it is just over there. It is time. Well, she is not here. We can go now.
25:58Monsieur René, for the honour of France, I must try to recall the correct procedure.
26:05Yes. You keep the microphone. Now, I will turn on the transmitter. Madame Edith will
26:13operate the switch. Out of the way, René. First the left.
26:21See how it is. I feel his presence even more strongly. Now, the other one.
26:43René, forgive me. You are forgiven, my son.
26:51That was a terrible experience.
27:00Well, at least he hasn't mentioned Jack Hughes.
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