- 19 hours ago
S7E21
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Tell Me Why
00:30I don't have the answers
00:31I don't have a plan
00:33All I have is you
00:35So baby, help me understand
00:37You can whisper in my ear
00:42Who knows what happens after here
00:46Let's take each other's hand
00:48And jump into the final frontier
00:51Final Frontier
00:55Final Frontier
00:59I blame my parents
01:20I've been engaged four times
01:23To three different men
01:24And if you're doing the math
01:25That's a lot of angry people
01:28First, there was this guy
01:30Then there was this guy
01:32And then there was this guy
01:35And you remember this gentleman
01:37From the first photo
01:38Leave a guy at the altar once
01:40And it stings
01:41The second time, apparently
01:43Highly destructive
01:44How you like me so far
01:46Let's begin, shall we
01:50With a story that has become
01:51Almost folklore in my family
01:53It was 1999
01:54So I'm one
01:56And it's my parents' anniversary
01:59What do you want to do?
02:00I'm totally open
02:01A concert or a theater
02:02Or maybe a fancy dinner
02:04What says anniversary?
02:08Certainly not that
02:09Honey, look up for me, won't you?
02:12Hello
02:13Is there a hawk or an ostrich
02:14Of some sort?
02:17Oh, paint, I'm so happy
02:19Hey, we know you
02:20Hey
02:21Hey
02:22Paul and Jamie, right?
02:24Yeah, Larry, right?
02:25Lenny
02:25Lenny, right?
02:26This is so wild
02:27You know it's our anniversary today
02:29No, it is not
02:30Yes, it is
02:30Seven years ago today
02:32That is deeply ironic
02:33Oh, come here
02:34Look what we did
02:35Look
02:36Mabel
02:37This nice man married
02:39Your daddy and me
02:40Hello, small, pretty person
02:41Lenny, I tell you
02:42Your wedding was so special to us
02:44Just this secret little ceremony
02:46It really was
02:47You're probably confused
02:48But Lenny is also an ordained minister
02:50Now, Mabel, you know better than
02:51To believe that, don't you?
02:52What do you mean?
02:53You guys know I'm not really a minister, right?
02:56No
02:56Well, okay
02:58I'm not
03:00Now, how can that people know?
03:03You said you were
03:04Yeah
03:04Do you happen to recall
03:06Where we had that discussion, Paul?
03:07Yes, I do
03:08We were at my bachelor party
03:09Uh-huh
03:10So?
03:11We were at a strip club, man
03:13Drinking, carousing
03:15When I told that cute girl
03:17I was Federal Reserve Chairman
03:18Alan Greenspan
03:19Did you believe that, too?
03:20No
03:20But
03:21Well
03:22But later, when we came to you
03:24It seemed so important to you
03:25I didn't have the heart to let you down
03:27Yes, but
03:28And I knew you had the official ceremony
03:30Coming up anyway
03:30Yes, but
03:31Okay
03:32At the official ceremony
03:34We thought we were already married by you
03:37We didn't even fill out the paperwork for that one
03:38Didn't even fill out
03:39You know what we wrote on the certificate?
03:41Lois Lane marries Humpty Dumpty
03:42Funny
03:44Funny, not the point, really
03:45We're
03:46We're not married now
03:48Sorry
03:49But you've invalidated our entire marriage now
03:52Sorry
03:53You've made our daughter
03:55Illegitimate now
03:57Sorry
03:58Sorry
03:58So
04:01I'm the bastard child of idiot parents
04:05My therapist tells me
04:07Yes, I'm in therapy
04:09But in my parents' defense
04:11They sought help
04:12A lot
04:14Of help
04:16Paul and Jamie
04:19I don't know if you've been keeping track
04:22But this is
04:23Your 1,000th therapy session
04:25Is that true?
04:26Yes, it is
04:27Dear God
04:29Wow
04:301,000?
04:32Wow
04:32So that's
04:32That's like
04:33Ten glorious years
04:35No, no, I know
04:37But
04:37That
04:37116,000 dollars
04:40Dear God
04:43Mm-hmm
04:44But I digress
04:46How can we not be married?
04:49Yuck
04:49Our entire marriage is a lie
04:53It's not a lie
04:54Yes, it is
04:55For the last seven years
04:56We have not been what we thought we were
04:58Our whole universe is based on a false foundation
05:02Doesn't that bother you?
05:03Oh, man
05:04What?
05:04I asked for onions
05:05They gave me sprouts
05:06When I tell someone
05:08My husband will be back at six
05:10It's a lie
05:10I'll be back at six
05:11Yes, but you're not my husband
05:13All right, good
05:16So stop yelling at me then
05:17We'll take it
05:22I'm sorry?
05:23Your apartment
05:23It's listed for rent
05:24It's what?
05:25This is our apartment
05:26But it's a mistake
05:27Oh
05:28So you're not leaving?
05:30No
05:30You're staying?
05:32Uh-huh
05:32Yes
05:33Good then
05:34Yes, well
05:35What a relief
05:36Right then
05:37Come, Hal
05:39Yes
05:40See you in the halls
05:43Nice, huh?
05:46Honey
05:47All right, here's what we'll do
05:49Here's what we'll do
05:49We'll go down a city hall
05:50We'll get married
05:51We'll sign our regular thing
05:53And then bing, bang, boom
05:54Problem solved
05:54When?
05:55When what?
05:56When are we getting married?
05:57Whenever you want
05:58Thursday?
05:59Afternoon?
06:00Friday?
06:01In the morning I'm good?
06:01No, it has to be today
06:02Why?
06:03Because today's our anniversary
06:04I want to keep the same anniversary
06:06All right, so let's go
06:08Ask me
06:09All right
06:16Can we go?
06:21Ask me to marry you
06:22Oh
06:23Will you marry me?
06:25These are the people
06:28That prepared me
06:29To go out into the world
06:30You see, Mabel
06:33Sweetheart
06:35Boys and girls
06:37Are different
06:38Girls have
06:40Um
06:43Boys have
06:45Boys and girls
06:49Honey
06:52See, Mabel
06:53When a man
06:55Loves a woman
06:57He
06:59He can't keep his mind
07:00On nothing else
07:01He'd trade the world
07:04For the good thing
07:05He's found
07:05If she's bad
07:08He can't see it
07:10She can do no wrong
07:12Honey
07:13Let us get back to you
07:15My parents actually did
07:19A great deal
07:20Of family planning
07:21So let me get this straight
07:23Wait, they cut his pee-pee?
07:24No, not the pee-pee
07:25Inside the pee-pee
07:26Way inside
07:27Oh, good
07:29It's not that bad
07:30The doctor said
07:30That within 36 hours
07:32Of the vasectomy
07:32He'll have total sensation
07:34In his groin again
07:34Is that something?
07:36Poor Paul's pee-pee
07:37It's way inside
07:39Oh, good
07:40Look, we gave this
07:41A lot of thought
07:42And I decided
07:43That one kid is enough
07:44More than enough
07:46Thank you
07:47I mean, where is it written
07:48That every child
07:49Must have a sibling?
07:50Well, where would you be?
07:52What?
07:53I mean, if mom and dad
07:54Stopped with me
07:54There wouldn't be you
07:55And I wouldn't have
07:56Had a little sister
07:56To play with
07:57And dress up
07:58And magic marker
07:59The walls with
08:00And no matter what happens
08:01Always be my friend
08:02And love me
08:02You know, the procedure
08:06Is reversible
08:07I think we made a mistake
08:27My mother the handful
08:35You sure we need to go
08:38Halfway to the end
08:39Of Long Island
08:39To do this?
08:40The smaller the town
08:40The shorter the line
08:41Next, please
08:42See?
08:43Hi
08:44Hello
08:44Hi, how are you?
08:45Just fine, thank you
08:46Uh, we'd like to get married
08:48Oh, wonderful
08:49Come to the right spot
08:50Yes, sir
08:51Hello
08:52Hi, how are you?
08:53Hello
08:53Is this the lucky lady?
08:54This is all right
08:55Oh, wonderful, isn't it?
08:57Okay, well
08:58Looks like you're all set here
09:00So
09:01Oh
09:02Well, you have the same last name
09:04Uh, yes, but they're pronounced differently
09:06Oh
09:07Buckman and Buckman
09:08Yeah
09:09So it's, it's subtle
09:10But
09:10It's there
09:11It's there
09:11It is, isn't it?
09:12Yes
09:12Isn't that wonderful?
09:14Uh-huh
09:14What I'm gonna need from you now
09:16Is $10 American
09:17You got it
09:18Seems like a reasonable thing
09:20Oh, you know what?
09:21I don't even know if I have
09:21The cash on it
09:23Oops, sorry
09:24Uh, what would you say?
09:25Uh, was it $10?
09:26I guess, uh
09:26$7.52
09:28How do you leave the house?
09:30You were supposed to go to the bank for me
09:32No, I wasn't
09:33Yes, you did
09:33You said do one of the bank
09:34Never
09:34Yes, you did
09:35No, I didn't
09:35Boy, this marriage thing
09:36Gonna be a piece of cake for you two, isn't it?
09:37Okay, well
09:41I'll tell you what
09:42Now, why don't you just take this
09:44And you're gonna go right into the chapel here
09:46Okay
09:46And the justice of the peace
09:48Is gonna take you the rest of the way
09:49Thank you so much
09:50Great
09:50God bless you
09:50Nice guy, huh?
09:53I miss him
09:54Hello, how are you?
09:57Just fine, thank you
09:59Well, this is Phyllis
10:01Hello
10:02Hello
10:03She throws a rice
10:04Oh
10:04$25 cents, one throw
10:06$40 cents, two
10:07Okay, well
10:10Why don't we get right on
10:11Now, here's what
10:12Oh
10:12Oh
10:13Don't you wanna walk down the aisle?
10:18Okay
10:18Yeah, just go right back
10:20There you go, right there
10:21That's good, okay
10:21And you, sir
10:22Right over here
10:23Right here
10:23That's fine
10:23Got it
10:24Hey
10:24Heads up
10:25Oh
10:26There you go
10:26Now, with the music
10:28Come forward
10:30Okay
10:30Dearly beloved
10:46We're gathered here today
10:49To marry this man
10:50And this woman
10:51Is there anybody present
10:53Who might object
10:55To this union?
10:58Phil?
10:58I'm good
10:59Good
11:00Do you
11:03Paul
11:04Buckman
11:05Uh-huh
11:05Buckman
11:06Oh, the Buckman
11:06You're the Buckman
11:07Paul Buckman
11:08Take
11:10Jamie
11:11Walkman
11:12To be your lawful wedded wife
11:15To have and to hold
11:17Through sickness
11:18And in health
11:19Till death do you part
11:21Yes, I absolutely do
11:23Wonderful
11:23Do you Jamie
11:25Buckman
11:26Take Paul
11:28Buckman
11:29To be your lawful
11:30Wedded husband
11:31To have and to hold
11:32To love and to cherish
11:33Through sickness
11:34And in health
11:35Till death do you part
11:36Little louder
11:41We're gonna need you
11:46To speak up a little sweetie
11:47Don't fool around now
11:48I don't want to get married
11:50A little early on the rice
11:54There, fellas
11:54And so apparently
11:57The apple doesn't fall far
11:59From the tree
12:00You wanted to get married
12:06I know
12:06But then I was standing
12:08At the altar
12:08And it hit me
12:09What we have is pretty good
12:11Right?
12:11I don't want to screw it up
12:12Exactly
12:13So all I'm saying is
12:15Let's make everything
12:16The way we always thought
12:17It was
12:17Anyway
12:18But the way it was
12:19Was we were not married
12:20Of course we were married
12:22It just
12:23It wasn't labeled right
12:24It's like
12:25It's like if you order chocolate
12:27And then it comes
12:28And you eat it
12:29And you love it
12:29But then
12:30Afterwards the waiter says
12:31Oh, I'm sorry
12:32My mistake
12:33That wasn't chocolate
12:34That was root beer
12:35Do you come back the next time
12:37And ask for root beer?
12:38Yes
12:38Well, it's the opposite with this
12:41Hi, I'm Ursula
12:43I will not be your waitress today
12:45What?
12:46What?
12:46Yeah
12:47My name is Ursula
12:49Yes, we know that
12:50Good with that
12:50Okay, and I will not be
12:51Your waitress today
12:52Yeah, usually I am
12:56But today I'm not
12:57That's why I wanted to come over
12:59To say that I'm not
13:00Your waitress today
13:00And that my name is Ursula
13:02So that you wouldn't be confused
13:04Okay
13:06Thank you
13:06Great
13:07Can I take your order?
13:09I thought you're not our waitress
13:10Okay, do you know what you want?
13:14Um, no
13:15Oh, guess what else?
13:17I'm running for employee of the month
13:18So make sure that you vote for me, alright?
13:21Is this an election type of thing?
13:22The employee of the month?
13:24No, no, the boss just picks who he likes
13:25Want to hear my slogan?
13:29Yes, please
13:30Sure
13:30Okay
13:30Ursula, Ursula, she's our man
13:33If she's not employee of the month
13:34Nobody can
13:35I have to go to the bathroom
13:39Have you ever heard the expression
13:43Intelligence is the ability to change one's mind?
13:46No, you have not
13:48And you have not heard that
13:49Because it's not actually an expression
13:50It's just something my mother used to say
13:52But she would say that it was, in fact, an expression
13:55But it's not
13:58Paul is being really great about this
14:07I'll say
14:07I mean, I probably pushed him into the vasectomy to begin with
14:10Yeah, probably
14:11I think on some level he was relieved when I suggested we have it reversed
14:15What do they do? They just glue it back on?
14:18Way inside
14:19And now maybe we'll have a little brother or sister
14:22And she'll help them out in the schoolyard
14:24And she'll give them her hand-me-downs
14:25This is gonna be good
14:26Well, I guess, for her
14:27What?
14:29Well, what about for you?
14:32Goodbye freedom
14:32Goodbye hips
14:33And goodbye career
14:34You know, I actually read
14:35That 87% of all mothers with two or more kids
14:38Never return back to the workplace
14:39They just end up feeling broken and hollow and sad
14:43Hi, sweetie
14:45Okay
14:46What did you say to her?
15:02Stop bringing her to my vasectomies
15:04Fortunately, some of us gave much less thought to having children
15:11Okay, now you can bring out the first guest
15:14Okay, thank you, Mabel
15:16Well, welcome back to the show, ladies and gentlemen
15:19My, uh, Pancho
15:21Pancho, you're not on yet
15:22Jigs, please
15:23Um, my first guest tonight is, uh, Border Collie Collie Mix
15:27He's the strapping little son of, uh, Murray
15:30And his charming bride, Clarabelle
15:32He's, uh, five and a half weeks old
15:34Recently weaned
15:35He enjoys sleeping, uh, chasing his tail around
15:38And, uh, being colorblind
15:39Won't you please give a warm welcome to
15:41Crackers
15:43Come on, Crackers
15:44Come on, Crackers
15:45There he is
15:46Hello, Mr. Crackers
15:47Not yet, Pancho
15:49I told you, you're not on yet
15:50Crackers
15:51Okay, next guest
15:54Very quick for Crackers, but okay
15:55Uh, there he goes
15:57My next guest, ladies and gentlemen
15:59Uh, interestingly enough
16:00Also a Border Collie Collie Mix
16:02Uh, also five and a half weeks old
16:04Uh, let's see, uh
16:06Oh, interesting
16:07He's a breech birth
16:08Uh, he enjoys, uh, eating garbage
16:11And then regurgitating same-sex garbage
16:13Strange but true
16:14Ladies and gentlemen
16:15Please welcome, please
16:17Rusty
16:18We're working for Rusty
16:24Come on, Rusty
16:28Rusty
16:29There he is
16:29There's the rust
16:30My
16:30Wow
16:35Well, we were
16:37We were saving ads
16:39For our special anniversary show
16:40Hey, Paulie
16:44Hey, Marvin
16:44What are you doing here?
16:46Shouldn't you be getting your second vasectomy
16:47Right about now?
16:49There's nothing I tell you, Private
16:51It's been following the whole story
16:53It kills me
16:54First she gets you to do it
16:56Then two months later
16:57She gets you to undo it
16:58And now
16:59She's getting you to do it again
17:00To me, it's very entertaining
17:02Regrettably, I've learned that little traumatic events
17:06Can help lead to big traumatic events
17:08Oh, look, there it is
17:10A film by Mabel Buckman
17:13What kind of title is that, Stabbing Bob?
17:16She's angry
17:16Clearly
17:17All right, we should save two seats together
17:19Because Mabel really wants Paul and Jamie to sit next to each other
17:22Oh, I know
17:23Do they both know the other one's gonna be here?
17:26Yeah, they're gonna be mature
17:27Oh, oh
17:27Hey, hey, hey
17:28Here they are
17:28Look at you
17:30Oh, look at you
17:32Look at your Aunt Debra and Aunt Joan
17:34Leonardo, come kiss your aunties
17:37Shania, you sit there
17:38Beavis, you sit in front of me
17:40Give me that pass up for you
17:43Okie dokie
17:44Listen, why don't you come sit with me, actually?
17:46You know what?
17:47We should save these two seats for Paul and James, you know?
17:50Already done
17:50Oh, well, good
17:51No harm in trying, right?
17:53Right?
17:54Hey, hey, hey, hey
17:55What are you eating?
17:56What's the matter?
17:56He's eating popcorn from a five o'clock show
17:59Oh, leave him alone
18:00Hey, my daughter made a movie
18:02Paulie!
18:03Oh, nice jacket
18:04Yeah, thank you
18:05Hi, sweetie
18:07Paulie, why don't you come sit, uh, let's see
18:10Oh, here
18:11Good, good
18:11Hey, Babis
18:12Hey, Uncle Paulie, wants a popcorn?
18:14Say no
18:14I'm gonna say no
18:15Hey there
18:17Thank God I'm not late
18:19Not at all
18:19Oh, it's the mother of the filmmaker
18:22Hey, James
18:24Hi, you, Jamie
18:25Hey, Shania
18:26Hello, everybody
18:27Jamie, how are you to sit here?
18:28Yeah, okie-dokie
18:29Hi
18:30Hi
18:34Hi
18:35How you doing?
18:39Good
18:40How you doing?
18:41I'm good
18:41Good
18:43Okay
18:52I asked this question objectively, in earnest, and without bias
19:05Who do you think was responsible for my parents' breakup?
19:08The one who ran away from the altar and changed her mind three times about whether or not her partner should have painful private surgery?
19:15Or the other guy?
19:17What?
19:18I'm changing my name
19:19It's not Mabel anymore, it's Sonia
19:21Ok, um, may I ask why?
19:25Because Mabel's stupid
19:27I see
19:28Listen, Mabel
19:29Sonia
19:29Pardon me
19:31Say it
19:32Sonia
19:33Say it nice
19:35Alright, Mabel
19:35It's Sonia
19:36Thank you
19:37Thank you
19:38Why Sonia?
19:40Because I like it
19:41Your grandmother thought of Mabel, you know it's an acronym
19:43A what?
19:44The letters M-A-B-E-L stand for Mothers Always Bring Extra Love
19:50Well, Sonia's an acronym too
19:52It is?
19:53For what?
19:54Some other name, you ask
19:56My father had his own way of dealing with my mother
20:03He would keep certain pieces of information to himself
20:07Honey
20:11You didn't so much get that second vasectomy, did you?
20:18Why?
20:19Because I am remarkably pregnant
20:21No, I did not
20:25But I've done so many other things that you did ask me to
20:49I did not have to worry about it
20:51I've done so many apostol Gaming
20:54Since I have done so many other things I loved
20:55You didn't know
20:56I did not have to worry about it
20:57You didn't know
20:58This is aana
20:58That's been even things for
20:59I did not have to worry about it
21:00You know, today
21:00I just met the sportsman
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