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00:00Tonight, at a sold out event in Apollo.
00:05Let the rumbling come in!
00:08The worlds of comedy and wrestling collide like never before.
00:13It's coming.
00:15Britain's funniest will step into the ring with the world's best pro wrestlers.
00:21Punchlines.
00:24This is sexual harassment the funny way round.
00:27We'll meet clotheslines.
00:29And only the brave or the foolish will survive.
00:35Phil Kilwang takes on Edge the Gambler Gamble in a grudge match for the ages.
00:43James Acaster has issued an open challenge, but who will he be facing?
00:47That was a real shock to the system.
00:52Maisie Adam marches into mayhem against a monstrous menace.
00:56And the biggest brawl of the night.
00:59A tag team tornado where anything can happen.
01:02This is bad news for health and safety.
01:04Nine teams.
01:08No rules.
01:09Total mayhem.
01:10Big hits.
01:11Twisted laughs.
01:12Is it all the same match?
01:13Big egos on the line.
01:14Who will stand tall?
01:15Get the posh twas.
01:16And who will get the ultimate punchline.
01:17Founded by wrestler comedians Max and Ivan.
01:21Welcome to the war.
01:22The war.
01:23Welcome to the war.
01:24It's all very gay this, isn't it?
01:27This is.
01:28will get the ultimate punchline.
01:30Founded by wrestler comedians Max and Ivan.
01:33Welcome to the war.
01:35Drunkenly purchased by C.E. Joe Lycett.
01:38It's all very gay this, isn't it?
01:42This is.
01:43Shall we bloody do this?
01:45Clash of the comics.
01:47Welcome to the war.
01:48Eventim Apollo, please make as much noise
02:00as you can for your MC for this evening.
02:02It's me walking on from the back.
02:04It's Ivo Grail.
02:07Make as much noise as you can for as long as you can.
02:12This is not a short walk to this day.
02:17This is happening.
02:18This is actually happening.
02:24Welcome, everybody, to Clash of the Comics.
02:26I've got to get into this ring.
02:28It's not going to be easy.
02:29Keep applauding as I get up there.
02:38Welcome, everyone.
02:40Welcome to Clash of the Comics on You and Dave.
02:43This is the world exclusive debut.
02:46The UK's best comedians have been training to wrestle for literally months,
02:51and they're about to step into this ring, and they're going to risk their lives for your entertainment.
02:55People at the Apollo, make some noise for some quite literal smash-hit comedy!
03:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
03:03Will the venue, and this is the first really big joke of the evening, and I'm very excited for it.
03:09Will the venue known for comics performing live at the Apollo...
03:12Live at the Apollo, so just pause there, think about the fact this is a night based around violence.
03:18So you might be able to start putting this together, and it might be even more fun if you've already worked it out.
03:24Will the venue...
03:26I said venue, so we go again.
03:32Don't applaud, venue.
03:33Don't applaud, venue!
03:35Will the venue, best known for comics performing live at the Apollo, give us a new headline tomorrow?
03:44Dead at the Apollo!
03:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
03:49Only time will tell!
03:51We're now going to pivot very elegantly to the commentary box,
03:56and what talent we have waiting in the wings.
03:58On commentary, Sunshine Sarah Pascoe!
04:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
04:04The bad boy Nish Kumar!
04:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
04:08And fairest of them all, it's Greg James!
04:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
04:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
04:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
04:17Mish, you have to stop being a bad boy just for a second, please.
04:22Sarah, are you planning to be a ray of sunshine tonight,
04:25or will you sneak in a few barbs at the comics here and there?
04:28Erm, I'm thrilled, I've never worn one of these before.
04:31I'm a bit out of my depth myself from a technical perspective, Sarah!
04:35LAUGHTER
04:36Because I think it amplifies me, but it also stops me hearing you.
04:40Oh, great!
04:41OK, erm, Sarah...
04:42What did you ask me?
04:43Answer the question you'd like to be asked.
04:45LAUGHTER
04:4734B.
04:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
04:53I don't feel comfortable continuing that riff,
04:55so we move now to the bad boy Nish Kumar.
04:59Yeah, suck it, posh boy!
05:01LAUGHTER
05:02You look like James Bond at a day rave!
05:04LAUGHTER
05:06I'm evil, everybody.
05:07Yeah, evil.
05:08I'm the most evil man that's ever lived,
05:09except I've just had some feedback from someone as I walked on,
05:12said he looks like a gold labubu, which...
05:15LAUGHTER
05:16I don't think it's, I'm evil labubu.
05:18I don't even know what that is.
05:20It's time for us to pause this noble self-deprecation and...
05:22Stop chanting gold labubu!
05:24Stop chanting gold labubu!
05:26Stop chanting gold labubu!
05:29Gold labubu!
05:30This is a hate crime!
05:31Gold labubu!
05:33They're chanting gold labubu at me!
05:35Gold labubu!
05:36I don't even know what one of those is!
05:38It's you.
05:39It's you.
05:40LAUGHTER
05:41Everyone, suck it!
05:42It's a difficult year for the villains,
05:44because, unfortunately, a lot of our best guys
05:46have gone to the Riyadh Comedy Festival.
05:48LAUGHTER
05:49I tried to get Jimmy Carr to come over on his way back,
05:52but he said he's got business to attend to.
05:54He's gone to America,
05:55cos he's trying to get his name added to the Epstein list.
05:57HE'S FURIOUS!
05:59LAUGHTER
06:01Mish, obviously, you've been part of this before,
06:03you've wrestled in this very ring.
06:04Do you have any advice for the comics that we're going to see tonight?
06:07My only advice is, and this is my advice for everyone,
06:09don't trust Rosie Jones,
06:11because you'll think you're fine,
06:13and then she'll push you through a table.
06:15I've said it before, and I'll say it again,
06:16I'm not convinced she's really disabled.
06:18LAUGHTER
06:21You heard it here first.
06:24She is cruising on goodwill, and it can't last forever.
06:28It's going to turn out that woman has been
06:29Daniel Day-lewising this shit the entire time.
06:31LAUGHTER
06:35Speaking of cruising on goodwill,
06:36will we turn now to the most lamentably nice man in UK media?
06:41Butter wouldn't melt in his mouth.
06:44CHEERING
06:46What are you doing here, Greg James?
06:48Well, a lifelong wrestling fan,
06:50and just to let you know,
06:51I have no opinions on anything that Nish just said.
06:53Nothing.
06:54Classic BBC.
06:56Loosen up, brother.
06:58You want to take a few tips from me
07:00if you're trying to get fired from the corporation.
07:03LAUGHTER
07:05I'm Mr Fair and Square.
07:06I'm the fairest of them all.
07:07I have no opinions on Riyadh,
07:08no opinions on Rosie Jones,
07:09apart from everything is fine.
07:11So everything this evening, as far as I'm concerned,
07:13is fine.
07:14The wrestling will be fine.
07:15Your performance will be fine-ish.
07:18I think we're excited for a good night, Ivo.
07:20It's good to know that if anyone loses control of the narrative,
07:22Greg will be there to catch us all up on the latest things.
07:25Yes.
07:26Sarah, anything more about your bra size,
07:28or should we crack on?
07:31How did you guess it was for bra size?
07:33No, it was lucky you cut me off,
07:35because I was going to talk about
07:36the effect of breastfeeding on them.
07:38LAUGHTER
07:41Do you want to check about that a little bit longer?
07:44No.
07:45APPLAUSE
07:48And now, without any further ado,
07:50please welcome your roving reporters,
07:52Matthew the pacifist Crosby
07:55and Olga Rock-Hard-Cock!
07:58What a night!
08:11Good evening!
08:12What a pleasure to be here with you.
08:14You've been roving already.
08:15Everyone's very excited to see you.
08:16But Matthew, you are famously a pacifist.
08:18Are you ready for the kind of violence
08:20that we're all going to witness in this ring tonight?
08:22Yes, I'm Matthew the pacifist Crosby
08:24for Clash of the Comics.
08:26And I'm not saying I want to see a comedian die
08:30here on stage tonight,
08:32but wouldn't it be great to just have, like, one less podcast?
08:36LAUGHTER
08:37You want to nominate a podcast?
08:40Off Menu's done enough episodes.
08:42LAUGHTER
08:43Off Menu would clear a lot of room for the rest of us!
08:46LAUGHTER
08:48What kind of mischief are you expecting to find
08:50backstage tonight, Matthew and Olga?
08:51Well, tonight we want to answer the question
08:53on everybody's lips.
08:55Who is in Ed Gamble's secret gang, Gamblers Anonymous?
09:00LAUGHTER
09:02He claims it's his closest friends, comedians and wrestlers?
09:05If it was his closest friends,
09:06I would have got at least a text.
09:08LAUGHTER
09:10That stings.
09:11But, no, it's...
09:13It seems to be just two wrestlers
09:15that he's paid to hang out with him.
09:18What's going on there?
09:19We're going to find out.
09:20We're going to go infiltrate some changing rooms.
09:22Good night.
09:23I'm not allowed to do that anymore.
09:24We will see you shortly, Matthew and Olga.
09:26But it is now time for our first match.
09:28People of the Apollo, are you ready?
09:30Are you ready for your first Rumble of the Ealing?
09:34In which case, it gives you great pleasure to announce,
09:37and it is delicately phrased due to copyright issues,
09:40LET THE RUMBLING COMMENT!
09:44Who am I?
09:46I'm the howl of the wind over Ilkleymore.
09:48I am Nina Samuels, the comedian slayer.
09:52I am the millstone grit of the Pennines.
09:55I slay comedians and, well, I just slay.
09:59I am the iron spine of Middlesbrough's docks.
10:03And once again, I will show everyone
10:05why Clash of the Comics is and will always be
10:08the Nina Samuels show.
10:11I am Maisie Adam, Queen of the North.
10:14Based in Brighton, but still very much Queen of the North.
10:24A quick word from our commentary team.
10:26Any favourites in this one?
10:27Well, I don't have any favourites ever.
10:29Of course.
10:30No, I don't hate or love anything.
10:32I'm completely numb.
10:33Absolute company shill.
10:36I am Nina Samuels.
10:38She's a comedian slayer, or so it says on this piece of paper
10:41I was handed by a van just before the show started.
10:43We've all been handed pieces of paper.
10:46It was to get as far into the night without referencing them
10:50as possible.
10:51Your first contestant.
10:54And we're very excited.
10:55Breaking news.
10:56Rosie Jones has been attacked by a mystery assailant.
10:59Rosie, how did they dance to you with this thing I swear
11:02on my life?
11:03I will avenge your death.
11:04I am not dead.
11:07I know, but it sounds more dramatic.
11:09Hold on.
11:10There's Clash of the Comics Doctor, Adam K.
11:12Dr K, I'd like to ask you about a surprise hit.
11:14Well, what can I say, my book was a humorous but heartfelt
11:18depiction of life in a tornado.
11:20Not bad, Adam, although we are very proud of you.
11:22Look at this.
11:23Poker chips found at the scene of the crime.
11:25This stinks of the gambler.
11:26Will Rosie Jones be able to compete in the Tag Team Tornado?
11:29Stay tuned.
11:31Rosie, Rosie, how many critically acclaimed
11:34best-selling books can you see?
11:38There will be a lot of people in the Apollo tonight
11:40saying I was expecting most of them, but Adam K was a real twist.
11:44So, we go again, entering the ring with a joke that I thought
11:50was going to be my joke, but it's very much already been covered.
11:53The Queen of the North, based in Brighton.
11:56Give it up for Maisie Adam!
11:58Give it up for the 80s.
12:00Let's go.
12:01Give it up for Maisie Adam.
12:14See ya!
12:46I know from recent experience just how long that walk starts to feel around the middle section.
12:53And now, please welcome her opponent, the comedian slayer, Nina Samuel!
13:46Do you like the more now she's taken the hat off, Greg?
14:01It's sometimes unclear to us which bits of what we're saying are broadcasting to the room.
14:05I've just realised, it's all of it.
14:08If anyone was recording any of that, I have never taken GAK.
14:14We'll watch it for you.
14:16We'll watch your hat.
14:17You're honestly not the boss of us, and Maisie, tear her a new one.
14:20They've gone straight into a clinch.
14:32Okay, she's giving it side cheek squeeze, maybe the ear's being squished.
14:36Okay, Maisie, you've got to do better than this.
14:38You're on this.
14:39Amazing.
14:40Maisie's gone straight into the corner.
14:42She is conducting herself with the swagger of someone who knows they're about to see a Taskmaster bump in tour sales.
14:53Oh, she's winning.
14:54Maisie, that's really good.
14:56That's really good.
14:56It's really good.
14:58She's attempting to goad the crowd.
15:01Nina just composing herself for a second before Maisie unleashes hell.
15:05Sounds as cool as a cucumber.
15:06Maisie!
15:07Maisie!
15:08Maisie!
15:09Are you going to kick in wrestling?
15:12Yes, you can kick.
15:13You can kick in wrestling.
15:15We're in a headlong here.
15:16Head-in situation.
15:17She's doing something with her fingers to her face.
15:19Is that allowed?
15:19Yeah, there's some gouging in there.
15:21Okay.
15:22Maisie, stop her!
15:24What the referee can't see, don't hurt anyone, apart from obviously the person getting gouged.
15:29Okay, this isn't good.
15:31Maisie's face has got quite red.
15:34That's a huge toes down technique.
15:36That is up there.
15:37Whoa!
15:37The reverse clothesline.
15:41Oh, no.
15:41The crowd's showing their disappointment there.
15:43Good work, Nina Samuels.
15:45Maisie, get up.
15:48Wowee!
15:49It's a slayer.
15:51It's a idiot.
15:52She's telling the crowd she's a slayer there.
15:55She's gone around the neck now.
15:57This is really good.
15:58Whilst I do support the bad guys, I admire Maisie's treachery.
16:00Maybe whisper something in her ear to dent her confidence, Maisie.
16:05She's a very arrogant woman.
16:10She will not be moved.
16:13She's very sturdy, isn't she?
16:15Oh, dodged up.
16:16Missed her.
16:17Oh!
16:17It's a move called the old switcheroo.
16:20The pin, two, and she's kicked out.
16:23Okay.
16:24Thank goodness for that.
16:26No, that was...
16:28Ring the bell.
16:28The bell was rung by accident.
16:32Ignore the bell.
16:33Ignore the bell.
16:34Wrestlers and crowd ignore the bell.
16:35Occasionally, Silcots will lose focus.
16:38Coming up, Maisie and Nina settle it once and for all.
16:42Plus, James Acaster's surprise opponent is revealed.
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