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00:00People of the Apollo, it's time to find out who James Acaster's mystery opponent is.
00:08Uh-oh, it's Ed the Gambler Gamble here, and I'm far too busy to get my hands dirty giving Acaster a pasting,
00:14so I've got someone to do it for me. I met them on a certain show that rhymes with...
00:18...celebrity traitors.
00:21Oi.
00:23That's right, it's rugby legend Brick Shithouse and my new friend, Joe Marla.
00:28You say friend, I'm getting paid, aren't I?
00:31Yeah, for sure, just get out there and...
00:34Don't speak to the press, bye mum, love you.
00:37No, so James said he challenged somebody from the world of comedy or wrestling.
00:42This is clearly a very beautiful rugby player.
00:44Former.
00:45This is clearly a very beautiful former rugby player.
00:47Well, that's where you're wrong, Joe Lycett, because he is a comedian.
00:50I've been training him up.
00:52Yeah. Knock, knock. Who's there? Me, Joe Marla,
00:56and I'm going to knock Acaster's head off.
00:59Definitely.
01:03So without any further ado, entering the ring, representing Gamblers Anonymous,
01:09it's Joe the Scrum Lord, Marla.
01:14My God, he looks like Mumford & Sons and Mumford & Sons Security.
01:19And it looks like he's ate them all.
01:20And Mumford & Sons Dax.
01:22All in one, we can.
01:2495 cats for England, none of them fell on his head.
01:28It's Joe Marla.
01:30Wowie.
01:31What's up, brother?
01:32That's you, sir.
01:33That's good.
01:34Please be gentle with young James.
01:35Yeah.
01:36Hey, Joe.
01:38Is he a baddie?
01:39He's a baddie, isn't he?
01:40Because he's in...
01:41We're gamblers.
01:42I think we're morality neutral at this point.
01:44Are we?
01:45People are neither good nor bad.
01:46Hello, Joe.
01:47Wow.
01:48Wow, look at this.
01:49Great reaction for him, got to say.
01:51Absolutely huge reaction.
01:53Joe, I don't know how you're feeling about taking an Acastle.
01:55Where is he?
01:56Stay on your feet, people of the Apollo.
01:59And welcome to the stage his opponent,
02:02James Acastle!
02:07Here he comes.
02:08Swaggering out.
02:10Whoa!
02:11He's wrestled five times and been KO'd every single time.
02:15He all eats repeated rice.
02:18Over, over.
02:20He gets breath out the toaster with a kitchen knife.
02:24Over, over.
02:25He hasn't blinked in eleven years.
02:28Over, over.
02:30He leans back onto the legs of a chair when he sits.
02:34He's invincible!
02:36A like an aeroplane across the sky.
02:39C like a catapult across the sky.
02:41A like an acrobot across the sky.
02:44S like a spaceship across the sky.
02:47T pterodactyl across the sky.
02:49E like a debut across the sky.
02:52R like a rainbow across the sky.
02:54Jimmy Taster flying so high.
02:57He likes all the others every day.
03:00It's respectable!
03:02He builds Ikea furniture without instructions perfectly.
03:05It's respectable!
03:07He uses the same horsepower for everything.
03:10It's respectable!
03:12The answer's close before the fire has even red.
03:16It's invincible!
03:17He's never gonna drop from the top spot.
03:20If you could stop him, you are not clever.
03:23He's gonna fly to the sky tonight and stay there every day tonight forever.
03:28He's conscious of visibility.
03:30He's conscious of his depremacy.
03:33He's conscious of physical vulnerability.
03:35I'm conscious!
03:37A!
03:39A, cause he's always alert.
03:41C, consistently alert.
03:43A, work to his surroundings.
03:46S. So so so over
03:48D. Don't you gonna break your legs
03:51E. Everybody now has to watch this area group
03:55R. Routine
03:59A. Cast a backflip
04:01Straddle in the air into a Russian club
04:05Is he good? Is he okay?
04:07Cross back settle, is he unconscious? Look dead
04:09Is he dead? Double may hang
04:12I've seen unconscious people, he looks dead
04:14Luke's dead, he'd be hammock, and he lands in the ring.
04:20I've not, he seems to be absolutely unconscious.
04:25That was a real shock to the system, in spite of the fact that it's happened again.
04:31Like a Stuart Lee joke, no matter how many times you repeat it, it's still funny.
04:38There's the dancers, scurry out, there's the pin, there's the three counts.
04:42And Marla takes the win.
04:45Acastle knocked out yet again.
04:47Give it up for your winner, I suppose.
04:49It's Joe the Scrum Lord Marla.
04:53Acastle has taken one to the top.
04:55Interesting to know that the foot was on the road.
04:58The foot was on the road.
05:00What does that mean?
05:02It was in the air, originally.
05:04Oh my goodness, Marla's there.
05:05The referee is running away like a coward from Joe Marla, and I don't blame him.
05:11This is the angriest man I've ever seen win overalls.
05:14It's not doing it.
05:15Matt Crosby has come out.
05:16Drag him off.
05:17He's gonna try and drag James off.
05:18It's a sad day.
05:19This is a dark day.
05:21Acastle has not been marked like this since the fifth comedy award nomination.
05:26And Marla left on his own.
05:28On stage.
05:29So, it's all going so well for James Acaster in the intro section.
05:35The tray comes out of nowhere, straight to the face, and Acaster is down and then hoisted.
05:41It's the oldest saying in the book, never trust a man wearing overalls, because he could be hiding a concealed pan.
05:46And why does he have a baby?
05:48I don't want any joke.
05:49Could you take us through what's just happened?
05:50A lot of people in this room have quite a sort of dangerous parasocial investment in James Acaster.
05:57You've just made a lot of very vulnerable enemies.
06:01I understand.
06:04I mean, he is a pleasant fellow, but he got what was coming to him.
06:08All right?
06:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
06:11OK.
06:12And, you know, pleasant as he is, he actually is quite mean to a lot of fellow comics on his podcast.
06:17So, all of us were enjoying that a lot in the wings, to be fair.
06:21Love him or loathe him, make some noise for Joe the Scrum Lord Marla, everyone!
06:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
06:33Greg, Nish, Sarah, how did you feel about what we've just seen?
06:37Well, after his Bake Off appearance, that's the second worst thing that's happened to Acaster with a baking tray.
06:42LAUGHTER
06:43Started it, got hit in the face, bon appetit!
06:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
06:52The next four specials are going to be sad.
06:55Mark, do you want to take me through what you've just seen?
06:58He took my tray without permission.
07:01LAUGHTER
07:02He's a bully, he's a bully, he's not a fighter.
07:05I think, with the best one in the world, Mark, Joe the Scrum Lord Marla doesn't give a shit about your tray.
07:10LAUGHTER
07:11Greg, Sarah...
07:12Where did the baking tray come from? Was it yours, Mark?
07:13Yeah, you took my tray without...
07:14Why did you bring it in?
07:15Why did you bring it in?
07:16Why did you bring it in?
07:17We've given you a bell.
07:18I blame Mark.
07:19Boo!
07:20Mark.
07:21I will say, if you have any further objections, we'd love to hear them, but we'd love you to speak them into a microphone.
07:26LAUGHTER
07:27Oh, God.
07:28I thought, when I took this position, I thought it's a serious position, I will do the timekeeping.
07:40But it's just a ceremonial position.
07:42LAUGHTER
07:43I don't think he's got a watch on.
07:44I don't think he's got a watch on.
07:46To be fair, when I took...
07:47So, I don't know what's...
07:48When I took this position, I was having a late lunch with my parents and I was told that Adam Hills was shitting out of his arse.
07:56LAUGHTER
07:57I thought, to be honest, it had put up a bit more of a fight, and it should have lasted a bit longer.
08:13I was enjoying myself too much.
08:23I'll take the win.
08:24All day.
08:25Till the rematch, I'm sure he'll want a rematch.
08:28And I'll take him on then.
08:31And now, without any further ado, it's time for our third match of the evening.
08:36I, Joe Lyseth, a.k.a. The CEO, cannot be here in person, as I am currently being measured up for a suit of armour.
08:48There shall be a spectacular tag team tornado.
08:53Nine different teams doing better for my amusement and possibly arousal.
09:00Joe Lyseth wants hot pods, so hot pods is what he is going to get.
09:05Guess what, Clash of the Comics? I'm Anya, Slammya, Magliano, and I swing both ways.
09:10It's me, Rose Matafeo, a.k.a. Rose Matafeo.
09:14I punch up, left, right, but never down.
09:17Gamblers are anonymous.
09:20Our opponents are going to get publicly schooled.
09:23And you better believe that's something we know a lot about.
09:26I don't know what this is.
09:29Hi, Ringfluencer here.
09:31We are the OGs.
09:33We're the originators of Clash of the Comics.
09:36We are Oleska and Gonzales.
09:38And at this point, we are old guys.
09:41I've been hitting the gym.
09:43Rosie! Daddy! Jones!
09:48And at the gym, I met this guy.
09:51Simon Miller.
09:54The biggest, strongest boy I've ever seen in my whole life.
09:57Sorry, my glasses.
10:00Do you want me to smile?
10:01No, no, it's...
10:10This is it!
10:11The Tag Team Tornado.
10:12Nine teams will enter at timed intervals
10:14and they will compete until all but one team has been eliminated.
10:18So, entering the ring first.
10:20Sponsored by the Schenergy Diet.
10:23The feminist energy drink for feminist children who want to lose weight.
10:26Please welcome the team of the Ringfluencer,
10:29Abby Clark and Adam Maxted,
10:31AKA, hashtag, please visit Dubai!
10:35It was said that their relationship was on the rocks.
10:44But it appears that the Christian Dubai has fixed it all.
10:48What's this now?
10:49Surely not.
10:50What we are watching here is a satire on greed.
10:51My whole life has been a satire on greed.
10:53Yeah.
10:54Surely not.
10:55It's a baby reveal live at the Apollo.
10:56Don't appear here.
10:57Look at that.
10:58It's a baby reveal live at the Apollo.
10:59It's a baby reveal.
11:00It's a baby reveal, live at the Apollo.
11:02It's a baby reveal.
11:03What's this now?
11:07Surely not.
11:10What we are watching here is a satire on Greed.
11:14My whole life has been a satire on Greed.
11:18Surely not.
11:19It's a baby reveal live at the Apollo.
11:22Here comes the baby.
11:24Oh, I see. I like the baby.
11:26That'll win the crowd round. Everyone loves babies.
11:29I suppose it's a case of does he want the baby, perhaps?
11:32This could be the gender reveal.
11:35Photos have been taken.
11:37Photos are more important than lived experience.
11:39Oh, the baby's been punted into the crowd.
11:42The baby has actually travelled disappointingly close to the stage.
11:45He's a wrestler, he's not a rugby player,
11:47and there was not a lot of depth on that punt.
11:54And without any further ado, please welcome their opponents.
11:57The team of Sarah Little Keys, Keyworth and Simon Miller,
12:00a.k.a. The Big Strong Ball.
12:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
12:05Treasure !
12:09C handicap !
12:11Of course!
12:12You're lucky.
12:13It needs time.
12:14You're happy with me.
12:15I'm training.
12:16You did not a character Pat.
12:17You ended in mind.
12:18You're doing absolutely wonderful,
12:19And you blow your weekend
12:20andKI.
12:21I'm training.
12:22You're training.
12:23You're lucky.
12:24You're around me.
12:25You may beRIIL rating.
12:27Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
12:56I think, I think we've under, we now understand where the crowd's allegiance is.
13:01I just want to double check because he's going to take his top off.
13:03There's some cheers there.
13:05Okay, I don't think this is fair.
13:06Some people are just more attractive than other people.
13:08We should be celebrating it.
13:11Other people have good personalities.
13:12Yeah.
13:14Let's all go round his head.
13:16Oh, punch this guy.
13:19Guys, he's got no control.
13:20We're up here at Clash of the Comics.
13:22It's a double butt punch from the bad guys.
13:26Oh, that was a spectacular bit of movement.
13:31Double, double take down from Lil' Key's key worker, Simon Miller.
13:40Oh, it's a super, it's a super, it's a triple, it's a quadruple.
13:50You have to say the influencers are doing nothing for the idea that that demographic of people is not very smart.
13:55Oh, huge double team effort there.
14:04The pin, one, two.
14:06Oh, lovely press slam there.
14:07There's a weapon there.
14:09You're allowed to throw people at weapons?
14:11You can do whatever you want, whenever you want.
14:13Come on.
14:13Come back in.
14:14Useful tactic there, pointed out by Sarah.
14:17Oh, oh, the influencers are falling out.
14:19This is a bit of business.
14:21Ah, this means the next team are coming in.
14:26Coming up, two teams have braved the tornado.
14:30This is horrible to watch.
14:32But seven more are still waiting to be unleashed.
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