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00:00Today, the sun was out, the cobblers were riding high, nothing was gonna spoil her day.
00:06Judith!
00:10Nothing.
00:12Hi, Jill!
00:15Nothing.
00:16Morning. Anything for me?
00:18Oh, sod on.
00:20Okay, maybe that would.
00:21Did the cobblers lose on Saturday?
00:23Oh, it'd be Cardiff City 3-2.
00:25You were there. Raph gave us a penalty last minute.
00:28Ah, bless him.
00:29If we won, why am I getting funny looks from everyone?
00:32It's those earmuffs. I've told you not to wear them.
00:35I don't!
00:36The muffs fell off. It's more of an Alice band now.
00:39I swear the lollipop lady gave me evils.
00:43Ask public enemy number one.
00:46Oh.
00:47I just spoke to the cron about being a football manager's wife.
00:50Your dad thinks I said too much.
00:52Oh.
00:53Okay.
00:54I see a lot of envy in the street, and that hurts.
00:57I am a person, you know. Cut me. I bleed.
01:01Well, I do.
01:02A friendly wife from me brightens up the most mundane of Mondays
01:06for me neighbours.
01:09What were you thinking, Mum?
01:11I didn't say that.
01:12I said Tuesdays. They're twisting my words.
01:14Newspapers don't lie.
01:15And when it comes to me sons, me Alan's a slave to the prune jewels.
01:20He gets very banged up.
01:22One little comment.
01:23Why are you bringing up me constipation in a froth piece?
01:26It's a good job Alan and Gary don't want to be footballers.
01:28Their wives have to put up with this every time they open their mouths.
01:32My mum was wry. I couldn't follow in me dad's footsteps for my wife's sake.
01:42But I was on a different path, and in a matter of moments I'd know exactly what path that was.
01:52Jake, what'd you get?
01:53Architect.
01:54Architect.
01:55Oh, nice.
01:56Like Tom Selleck and three men in a bag.
01:58Oi, oi, oi, bum boy.
01:59You're all falling off Alan.
02:00Oh, Mum, stick a prune up my arse.
02:02Oh, please, Mummy. It won't come out.
02:09So this was it.
02:10Next two.
02:11Questionnaire completed, and a computer had decided our futures.
02:15The job you'd be doing until the day you died.
02:19Chambermaid?
02:21She wanted a career in the sciences.
02:23Oh, she will be working with chemicals.
02:25Jif, Domestos and Alan.
02:28We all know where this is going.
02:30But will it be comedian, presenter, muse, national treasure?
02:33I can't go to prison.
02:36Would a grammar school pupil get prisoner?
02:38Where is the ambition?
02:40No, Kate, prison warden.
02:42True.
02:43There it was, in black and white.
02:45Prison warden.
02:46What a slap in the face.
02:48It's like the hopes and dreams had been put on death row.
02:51You do get a uniform?
02:52I can't wear it at all, grey.
02:54Look at me!
02:55I need a pop of colour.
02:57I know I tick working indoors and meeting interesting people,
03:00but I meant socialites and celebrities.
03:03Not shoplifters and serial killers.
03:06He deserves a second chance.
03:07I'm afraid the computer doesn't lie.
03:09No, love, don't worry about it.
03:11I'll get something worse.
03:13What's worse than that?
03:14Careers advisor.
03:16Come on, Kate, grab your satchel.
03:19I think we've heard quite enough.
03:22Shut the door, please.
03:24I'm crossing the picket line here.
03:25Social suicide.
03:26Just checking you're alright.
03:27What with the article.
03:28I know you've had hate mail.
03:29No.
03:30No, I haven't.
03:31It's coming.
03:32Look, I doubt most of them have even read it.
03:33Oh, Christine, there's been a meeting.
03:34I don't want to speak for the whole street,
03:35but the words lady muck were used.
03:36Cow.
03:37Silly cow.
03:38Rude cow.
03:39Any more.
03:40Oh, it's all in the minutes.
03:41I did try to defend you.
03:42I said she's not being rude.
03:43She's just a bit thick.
03:44But they've got the pitchforks out, I'm afraid.
03:45This is just what happens with success.
03:46People turn around.
03:47I don't know.
03:48I don't know.
03:49I don't know.
03:50I don't know.
03:51I don't know.
03:52I don't know.
03:53I don't know.
03:54I don't know.
03:55I don't know.
03:56I don't know.
03:57I don't know.
03:58I don't know.
03:59I don't know.
04:00I don't know.
04:01I don't know.
04:04I mean, look at Fergie.
04:07Oh, Christine, that's it.
04:08You've got to do what the royals do.
04:10What?
04:11Open a supermarket?
04:12No.
04:13Have a garden party.
04:14They let all the plebs in for the afternoon.
04:15Look at their pot plants.
04:16Then no one minds that they cosy up to dictators
04:18and marry their cousins.
04:19Well, they're not going to come if they hate me that much, are they?
04:21Christine, they'd go to Saddam Hussein's house
04:23if he was giving them a free burger.
04:25Right.
04:26You think on it, yeah?
04:34Oh, what's up, darling?
04:38Molly from 26.
04:40Oh!
04:41Hi, Molly.
04:42Welcome.
04:43And bye, Diane.
04:45Oh, Diane.
04:46Thanks for coming.
04:47Oh!
04:48Oh, you shouldn't have.
04:49Not good enough, eh?
04:51I'll drink it myself.
04:53Gee.
04:54Oh.
04:55Strong start.
04:56Well, come to something if you know you're going to hate it.
04:58I'm not going to watch the couplers every week.
05:00It's true.
05:01Graham!
05:02Door!
05:03Right?
05:04Look, if you want to invite anyone, you can always use our phone.
05:21Call a friend?
05:23Bradley?
05:24Oh!
05:25Or Jake.
05:26Jake, maybe.
05:27Jake only lives 0.7 miles from here.
05:29Yeah, why didn't you call him?
05:32Mum said she'll give me a fiver if I stay for an hour.
05:36Right.
05:37OK, there you go.
05:38Uh...
05:39Solid bar.
05:40I'll have a burger, please.
05:41Mmm...
05:42No, no, no.
05:43Are you all right, mate?
05:44Yeah.
05:45What are those?
05:46Ah, burger.
05:47Right.
05:48Over here.
05:49Right.
05:50Over here.
05:51Right.
05:52Good.
05:53Good.
05:54Good.
05:55Good.
05:56Good.
05:57Good.
05:58Good.
05:59Good.
06:00Good.
06:01Good.
06:02Did you move my sausages?
06:03good
06:05did you
06:11move my sausages
06:14no
06:15alright lads
06:16oh something smells good
06:17oh I'm Tom
06:19alright Tom
06:20you alright
06:20Graham
06:20Nigel Hudson
06:22how you doing
06:22you alright
06:23you after a burger
06:24oh no no no
06:25I'm on the job
06:26boss will catch me slacking
06:27I saw the skip out front
06:29best years of my life
06:30working on a building site
06:31babe magnet aren't you
06:32sitting up there
06:33with the legs swinging
06:34tell my Ange
06:35she wolf whistled me
06:37right
06:39and er
06:40what do you do now
06:41insoles
06:41yeah we're number one
06:43supplier in the
06:43West Midlands area
06:44a bit demand for insoles
06:46then
06:46just a bit mate
06:48I mean look around you
06:49how many feet are here
06:51you got what
06:52twenty old guests
06:53two feet each
06:54that's
06:54that's a lot of feet
06:59yeah
07:00no it sure is
07:02what about you Graham
07:03what do you do
07:04oh here we go
07:06go on here tell him
07:07I'm a football manager
07:09Northampton town
07:10cobblers
07:11never
07:12really
07:14oh god
07:15you guys are doing pretty well
07:17yeah
07:17I'm doing alright
07:18they're really chucking that
07:19Dijon
07:20this is my eldest
07:22Alan
07:22Alan
07:23this is Tom
07:24he's next door's builder
07:25hello Tom
07:27you're going to play football
07:29like your old man
07:30not unless they build a pitch
07:31in strange ways
07:32his careers advisor
07:34says he's going to be
07:34a prison warden
07:35computers don't they
07:37oh come off it
07:38computers can't
07:40predict the future
07:41my wife can
07:42yeah
07:43Deb
07:44she can
07:46you know
07:47see things
07:49she's right every time
07:51she knew
07:52I needed a root canal
07:53months before the dentist
07:55I'm trying to get her on to
07:56you bet
07:57but she doesn't like to
07:59shout about it
07:59it's true Dave
08:00you're psychic
08:01what did I just say
08:02I'd say boy
08:03who needed a computer
08:05when you had a chain smoking
08:06Cardi wearing
08:07oracle at your fingertips
08:09I come bearing gifts
08:19well gift
08:21oh
08:22I'm your new neighbour
08:23Jess
08:23thank you
08:24please do help yourself
08:26to a wine or a burger
08:27Chris
08:31look who I just found
08:32oh Ron
08:34so glad you could make it
08:36I wouldn't miss this
08:36for the world
08:37lovely to see you
08:38it's quite turn out
08:41well it is considering
08:43last time I let her
08:44near a dictaphone
08:45maybe just a quick reading
08:47Larry I call on the
08:49cop in peace
08:50move on
08:51let's have to see you
08:52it was my future
08:54I wanted spoilers
08:55I predict that you
08:56are going to need a rest
08:58after all this
08:59speaking of predictions
09:01if someone had a question
09:03about
09:04the future
09:05what do you want to know
09:07me
09:07God I don't know
09:09I haven't really thought
09:10about it
09:11all up in the moment
09:11me
09:12God you really put me
09:14on the spot
09:14you have
09:15Debs
09:15am I going to be a prison
09:17warden
09:17why
09:18do you want to be
09:19do you see me
09:20swinging round a tranching
09:21course I don't
09:22it was a prediction
09:23well what else did this
09:28psychic say
09:29well no it wasn't a
09:30psychic it was a
09:31Commodore 64
09:32I'm not following you
09:34Alan
09:34I read a thing the
09:35other day that a
09:36prisoner made a machete
09:36out of a toothbrush
09:37swallowed it all
09:38pooed it out and
09:39shanked someone
09:40Alan
09:40why are you telling me
09:42this
09:43that computer robbed
09:44me of my future
09:45Debs
09:46I should have some
09:47hope
09:48and a second opinion
09:49please give me a
09:51reading
09:51maybe later love
09:53just finish me
09:54calling on the cop
09:55I can't relax
09:59with you working
10:00over there
10:00whilst we're having
10:01all this fun
10:01you sure I can't
10:02tempt you to a beer
10:03oh don't drink and
10:04drill Christine
10:04well there might not
10:05be any left later
10:06the old streets come
10:07I think they needed
10:08a bit of the meat
10:09don't want to get in
10:10trouble with the boss
10:10do I
10:11alright
10:12wouldn't want to
10:13upset Jez
10:13why not
10:15you've upset
10:15everyone else
10:16I think you've
10:18had enough
10:18sorry Debs
10:25I know you've
10:26got everyone
10:27bending your ear
10:28just wondering
10:29if you see any
10:30babies
10:31on the horizon
10:32I think that ship
10:33sail don't you
10:34ship sail
10:34I am years
10:36off that
10:36thank you
10:36no I mean
10:37grandchildren
10:38oh right
10:39always wanted to
10:40be nanny hodge
10:41but Charlie's
10:43a bit of a
10:43heartthrob
10:44I'm worried he
10:46won't settle
10:47well I'll
10:49I'll see what
10:50comes to me
10:51would you
10:52you getting anything
10:55it's not instant
10:56lovely weather for it
11:00dry
11:01yeah
11:02we've had some
11:04good times haven't
11:05we
11:05we'll have plenty
11:06more I'm sure
11:07seventh in the league
11:08you all right
11:15I'm not drunk
11:16already are you
11:17drunk
11:17no
11:18wish I was
11:20make this a little
11:21easier
11:21oh hello
11:25it's funny you say
11:28about babies
11:28because I can see you
11:30with a big belly
11:31big round belly
11:34waddling you are
11:36around the shop
11:38what
11:39what
11:40Debs
11:41oh
11:41is Nigel the father
11:45it's not Ron's is he
11:48because there is a frisson
11:50you're not pregnant
11:51no
11:52shoving something up
11:54your jumper
11:55oh
11:56now there's an arm
11:59on your shoulder
11:59I don't understand
12:01Debs
12:01is this sexual
12:03store detective
12:05caught in the act
12:06I have stopped
12:08all that
12:08I only did it twice
12:09for the adrenaline
12:10packet of 40 denier
12:11tights and a lip gloss
12:12oh
12:12now there's blue
12:14flashing lights
12:15Debs you are
12:16scaring me
12:16oh look
12:17I'm sorry
12:18it's just I see
12:18what I see
12:19where's that drink
12:20here's me drink
12:21so
12:23what does she say
12:24I'm waiting for
12:24I to do me
12:25you're alright
12:26Adge
12:26oh
12:27you're very pale
12:28she sees it all
12:30your darkest secrets
12:32I'll come off it
12:34it's only a bit of a laugh
12:35it's not a laugh
12:36Christine
12:36she's got a third eye
12:37under that fringe
12:38sort of
12:40gushes out of her
12:42things you do not
12:43want to know
12:43God knows what she said
12:45to Geraldine
12:45but she's just thrown
12:46her wedding in a bush
12:47oh
12:47no
12:48I'd stay clear
12:50if I were you
12:50well clear
12:52but she can't
12:54see everything
12:55can she
12:55everything
12:57she knows you
12:59better than
12:59you know
13:00yourself
13:00oh my god
13:05Graham
13:09I've got something
13:10I want to tell you
13:11okay
13:12that is work done
13:22oh
13:22Christine
13:23I couldn't have that beer
13:25that you were teasing me with
13:26Jez
13:26aren't you sweet
13:27letting your builder knock off early
13:29hmm
13:30and this shepherd's pie
13:32hmm
13:33beautiful
13:33it's actually
13:35moussaka
13:35your wife's at the lottery
13:37Jez
13:38hasn't she just
13:39Debs
13:40oh I'm trying love
13:42I am
13:42let's leave it
13:43I think I'll get there love
13:45don't worry about the old
13:46prison thing
13:46the uniform's growing on me
13:48and who doesn't love a metal detector
13:50it's no trouble
13:52hey
13:52surah
13:53surah
13:53because I think I'm getting some
13:55leave it Debs
13:55right
14:00gather round everyone
14:02after polishing off
14:03a caraffa wine
14:04mum was ready
14:05to address her subjects
14:07come on
14:10don't be shy
14:10I wanted to thank you all
14:12for coming
14:13it's lovely to see
14:14such a big turnout
14:15you might hate me
14:17but you love a free wine
14:18no
14:22no
14:24I'm sorry if my comments
14:26in the cron were
14:27a bit much
14:29I honestly
14:30didn't mean to patronise
14:32talk down
14:34to you
14:35we know what patronise means
14:37I never meant to put me foot in it
14:39size six
14:39high insults
14:40I love you all
14:42I do
14:43and if smiling and waving at you
14:45is a crime
14:46well then lock me up
14:47there you go
14:47that's your first customer
14:48I love seeing your little faces light up
14:51in fact do you know what
14:55I'm going to do this again
14:55I'm going to do this
14:58bi-annually
14:59£176
15:01now I know that's a lot to you lot
15:03but if it spreads a bit of happiness
15:05because I love you
15:07I do
15:09and I love my boys
15:11get up here boys
15:12where's my Alan
15:13wait
15:13eat
15:14drink
15:15and be merry
15:16I'll get you something
15:17there you go
15:18showtime
15:19she does this one
15:20it's the big one
15:21okay
15:21but she can't get a signal
15:23through the wall
15:23erm
15:24no
15:24actually
15:25I had
15:25it's ever so clear
15:27this one
15:27shall we do this inside
15:29I can see
15:30I can see
15:30oh you're knackered
15:31you don't know what you're seeing
15:32or saying
15:32clapping
15:33people clapping
15:35hundreds of them
15:36go on
15:37and one of those mirrors
15:38with the little light bulbs
15:40all around it
15:41oh
15:42his little face
15:45glowing
15:46oh my god
15:48oh
15:48and there's a camera
15:50I knew it mum
15:51this is the future
15:53go on Debs
15:53I'm gonna be famous
15:55not you
15:57him
15:58ah
15:59Gary
16:00Gary
16:01me
16:02Kim
16:03oh I knew she had it in her
16:05this is not fair
16:06he's to be in prison
16:07I should be the one on stage
16:08memory
16:12all alone in the moonlight
16:15I can smile at the old days
16:21Alan
16:21Alan
16:21Alan
16:22shh
16:22people are eating love
16:24get off that
16:25you'll break it
16:25look
16:27I see what I see
16:28yeah we'll try seeing something else
16:30did you hear her
16:32little star
16:33god the papers have been knocking again
16:35there's more
16:36don't pack it in now Debs
16:37you've had your fun
16:37someone
16:38is moving on
16:41she's opened the floodgates now
16:43come on Debs
16:44someone
16:45is leaving
16:48oh
16:48I've got to go and feed the cat
16:50they're coming out
16:51of something difficult
16:54oh they've paid too great a price
16:57god all my hairs are standing up
16:58a secret
17:00burns inside of them
17:02oh
17:03Graham
17:05I better tell you before
17:07Nostradamus does
17:08I'm leaving the club
17:11no it's gone
17:12sorry
17:13there's no more cash
17:17I've run out
17:18I can't take you any further
17:22oh Graham grab some kitchen rolls
17:25everybody's talking to me
17:33I don't feel worthy of saying
17:36hey love
17:39have hot dog
17:40they'll only go in the bin
17:41we can't help it
17:45we're just destined for greatness this family
17:48I'm not
17:49oh Alan since when have you listened to your teachers
17:53I can't be a prison warden
17:55of course you can't
17:57you get claustrophobic putting on a roll neck
17:58I just felt that
18:00the future would be better than
18:02now
18:05oh Alan
18:07we'll have a brilliant future
18:09but
18:11you don't need all the answers now do you
18:13it's part of the fun
18:15finding your way
18:17working it all out
18:19I have to find my way out of Broadmoor first
18:21they are coming up with new jobs all the time
18:23you could be a robot or something
18:25look
18:27I can't tell the future like Debs
18:29but I know you'll have a job you'll be proud of
18:32and whatever it is
18:34I'll be telling everyone I meet
18:36that's my son
18:38really?
18:40because you were pretty quiet
18:41when I was shrink wrapping dog food
18:43on that industrial estate
18:44thanks mum
18:45I needed to wear that
18:47as Doris Day would say
18:50okay sa-ra
18:51sa-ra
18:52genius one out
18:53so two nuns in a bath
18:55and one says
18:56where's the site
18:57the second nun says
18:58I tried everything
19:01I really did
19:02got so many corners
19:05I even mowed the pitch myself
19:08for the last six months
19:09you should have said something
19:10I didn't want you worrying
19:12oh well I'm bloody worrying now
19:14well don't
19:15you are flying Graham
19:18that's not down to me
19:19it's down to us
19:20no we did it together
19:22Graham
19:25working with you
19:28has been the honour of my life
19:30come off it
19:33you have been more of a brother to me
19:34than me own sister
19:36but that gypsy woman was right
19:39it's time for me to go
19:42so
19:42I'm going to stand up
19:47and walk through those aluminium sliding doors
19:52no please
19:54don't
19:55I've never been any good at goodbyes
19:59fancy my soccer run
20:02oh that'd be lovely
20:04Dad
20:12yeah
20:13how long's Ron staying
20:15because I want to watch Brookside
20:16not long
20:19lock up will you
20:26I hear the train a coming
20:33it's rolling around the fence
20:35and I ain't seen the sunshine
20:38so I don't know
20:39I'm stuck and pulled to the river
20:42and time keeps dragging on
20:46quiet down
20:47lights out
20:52the summer of 89
20:54and it was horribly close on the close
20:58as temperature soared to a record high
21:00Alan
21:00you're going to have to stop doing that
21:02you're going to defrost me mints
21:02let me go in
21:03they won't even let you take your tie off
21:05it's inhumane
21:06Gary
21:07a few days into our hose part then
21:10and we were as frazzled as our lawns
21:12why am I wearing a coat
21:13it's going to be 89 today
21:15the calves didn't do well in the heat
21:17it's going to be 89 today
21:19this is too much
21:20we need to evacuate
21:22send me to the coast
21:23Charlie's cool as a cucumber
21:25it's in the blood isn't it
21:26we're a 16th Mediterranean
21:27Mediterranean yeah
21:28you've told us
21:29bit hot for that isn't it
21:32oh
21:32thirsty white
21:33nothing a cool lemonade won't sort
21:36that build is taking a mick ain't he
21:38smile you know full well we're being talked about
21:41drag his kiss
21:42come here
21:44oh what's that
21:46give a sip
21:47you defrosted me piece
21:51it's got sweet corn round the back
21:53you're not having my sweet corn
21:54why am I still in this coat
21:56this is ungodly
21:58I'll be quite sure all of the windows are open
22:01yes really
22:02it barely opens an inch
22:06I think it's so we don't fall out
22:08never little
22:09she'll be falling out of everything at your age
22:11trees
22:11nightclubs
22:13aeroplates
22:14for a woman who'd once snapped Julian Lloyd Webber's cello in half
22:17Miss Gideon looked unusually vulnerable
22:20well we have a very special guest with us here today
22:23she's a published author
22:24she's written three books
22:26most recently
22:28Jagged Rocks
22:29yes
22:29which has sold various copies
22:31worldwide
22:32and she's launching a short story competition
22:35with a ten pound Woolworth voucher
22:38up for grabs
22:39oh
22:39so welcome to the here
22:42my dear dear friend
22:44Madeline Whitwell
22:45I hope we're all readers here
22:51wow yes
22:52good
22:53that's how it starts
22:54to write
22:55you have got to read
22:56I've been reading since I was one
22:58I could read before I could walk
23:01school
23:01was awful for me
23:03I had one friend
23:04and she was
23:06a hamster
23:07books
23:08have been my refuge
23:09my joy
23:10place to escape
23:12I felt like that author was talking directly to me
23:17but then her voice was so booming
23:19it also felt like she was talking to Arthur Kettering and Corby
23:21books have been good to me
23:23and I have been good to books
23:25my god
23:26it is hot in here
23:29Madeline
23:30oh my god
23:34I loved to read
23:35hated school
23:36and I only had one friend
23:37this was my calling
23:38what do we do when this happened
23:39I was going to be
23:40a writer
23:41you know sometimes
23:43the right person comes along
23:44at just the right time
23:46and gives you a good old
23:47hey hey
23:48give them a rest grace
23:5089 degrees isn't it
23:52yeah this is the pitch
23:53come on boys
23:53Nick this
23:54come around
23:54come around
23:55come around
23:55come in
23:56come in
23:56I want a picture
23:57I want a memento
23:59of this moment
24:00the moment
24:01that I
24:01Nick Chalmers
24:02single-handedly
24:03saved the cobblers
24:04100% success rate
24:06satisfaction guaranteed
24:07or your money back
24:09can we do it later
24:10yeah you know
24:11we're in the middle
24:11of training
24:12I bought them
24:16I'm the chairman
24:17I want to ickle picky
24:19with them
24:20don't I
24:20yep
24:21it's a new era
24:22Nick's on the ball
24:23get in
24:24get that for us son
24:26really
24:27really
24:28yes
24:28what are you wearing
24:29a jumper for
24:29you donut
24:30go on
24:31off you go
24:31right come on boys
24:32in front of the goal
24:33get in
24:34quick quick quick
24:34wipe your nose
24:36right come on grey
24:37you and me at the front
24:38Ron used to
24:39stand to the side
24:40at the back
24:41he also used to
24:41wazz your money
24:42up a wall
24:43so forgive me
24:44if I don't follow suit
24:45come on
24:45you and me
24:46in the front
24:46get up
24:48what are you doing
24:48we're not a communion
24:49grey come on
24:51big smiles
24:51look at that
24:53big smiles
24:55come on grey
24:56cheer up
24:57you miserable git
24:58smile
24:58everyone have fun
25:01say cobblers
25:02cobblers
25:03louder than that
25:04what's wrong with you
25:05cobblers
25:06cobblers
25:07yay
25:07the crumbling rock
25:09crumbling
25:10hit the consonant
25:12the crumbling rock
25:16the dewy must
25:17feel the dew
25:19yeah I am
25:20crustaceans clinging
25:28like a baby
25:29to the nipple
25:30no of you would be
25:32here without the nipple
25:33hey Alan let's stop there
25:34um that's enough for now
25:37I think Madeline needs
25:38to rest
25:38no I don't
25:40I'll read it
25:41I'll read it
25:42wait
25:43just do your work
25:46he's elegant isn't he
25:47like a gazelle
25:48oh
25:50Jake
25:52is he
25:53I've really noticed
25:55a writing competition
25:59with my imagination
26:01I could definitely do this
26:04oh
26:04I can't do this
26:06it's too hard to do anything
26:07just lie down
26:08they say write what you know
26:09that's alright for Jackie Collins
26:10she lived in Monte Carlo
26:11what am I going to write about
26:13what the growth in the centre
26:14and Gary
26:15don't knock it till you tried it
26:16I'm going on a walk
26:17I need inspiration
26:19even though Ange had a bad garden
26:24she preferred to burn in public
26:27Ange what's Charlie writing about?
26:34he's trying to fry an egg on the windowsill at the minute Alan
26:36we got a short story competition
26:39has he mentioned it?
26:40he hasn't
26:40no
26:41I'm struggling to be honest
26:43still trying to find me muse
26:46Alan that's very sweet
26:48but I'm a bit busy at the minute
26:50I can't believe it
26:51someone's got the sprinkler on
26:53there is a hope fight back
26:55got the sprinkler on?
26:58what?
26:59I followed the sound Christine
27:00it's coming from here
27:00no we haven't got a sprinkler
27:02don't lie to me
27:03I've seen you long
27:04Nigel
27:04I'm telling you
27:05we do not have a sprinkler
27:06well someone has
27:07where's Graham?
27:10he's at work
27:10Nigel
27:11do your breathing
27:11alright
27:12wait
27:13listen
27:13I can hear it
27:14it's Jane's house
27:25Jane's in respite care
27:26oh she will be in a minute
27:27Jane
27:29sorry about him
27:31he gets a bit
27:31in the heat
27:32you know
27:32we think it's glandular
27:33yeah
27:34he was up 3am last night
27:35thinking he was flying a spitfire
27:36kept trying to find the ejector seat
27:38look at me
27:39I haven't even asked
27:40today your prickly heat is
27:41I don't have prickly heat
27:42you poor bugger
27:43I saw you from across the road
27:44the other day
27:44legs like pepper armies
27:46is it so?
27:47not as sore as that's gonna be
27:48so to inspire those short story characters
27:54look across at the person opposite
27:57and feel them
27:59with your eyes
28:00let your gaze caress their
28:03hair
28:04their cheekbones
28:05describe them poetically
28:08bathe in metaphors
28:11and similes
28:12shall I start
28:18with your
28:20eyes
28:21they're like opals
28:26opal gemstones
28:29not opal fruits
28:30or a lake
28:32with sunlight
28:34bouncing off
28:35the surface
28:36off set
28:38with your
28:38mesmerising
28:39mood ring
28:40on your back
28:40oh
28:42thanks
28:43but it's a
28:43signet ring
28:44and your hair
28:47is brown
28:48isn't it
28:48basic brown
28:48so that
28:49finished
28:49oh wait
28:50I've got to do yours now
28:51Jake was gonna
28:52describe me
28:53I wonder if he'd
28:54mention my shapely legs
28:56it was supposed to be in PE
28:57ten minutes ago
28:58excuse me
28:59do you mind
29:01they're supposed to be up and out
29:02not sat here like rotting veg
29:03they cannot go outside
29:05in this heat
29:06yeah I can't play rounders today
29:08you can't play rounders any day
29:09you're crap
29:10I had merely tweaked the schedule
29:13for the good of their health
29:14oh you just want a captive audience
29:16because you can't get an acting job
29:18et tu
29:19brute
29:20that's Shakespeare
29:22get your sport
29:24out of my classroom
29:25what are you gonna do about it
29:27little lady
29:28she is little
29:30she is fierce
29:31Shakespeare again
29:33oh is she now
29:34yes
29:35she is
29:36is she
29:37she is
29:38I am
29:40right
29:44right
29:48anybody who wants to rounders
29:50follow me
29:51what about my eyes
29:54you shouldn't be allowed to just yank a pupil out in the middle of an exercise
29:58awful man
29:59are you alright miss
30:01please Alan
30:02I need to remember this
30:03without your voice
30:04oh god
30:08have you thought what you're gonna write about
30:16I don't know
30:17probably the war
30:18no way
30:20yeah me too
30:22yeah
30:22mmm
30:23what what
30:24oh well they all blend together for after a while don't they
30:27so what drew you to war
30:29I don't know
30:30it's just interesting isn't it
30:31politics and that
30:32all the countries
30:33oh god yeah
30:34it's like being in Eurovision
30:35you boom banger bangs over Dresden
30:39I think I'm gonna focus more on the
30:42on the relationship between the soldiers
30:45the buzz of the trench
30:46yeah yeah
30:47sounds good
30:48oh
30:50we should probably do some research
30:52so why don't we meet up one lunch time
30:54go to the library
30:55cool
30:56yeah
30:57oh
30:58that's my boss
30:59see you all right then
31:00yeah bye
31:01war
31:01what was it good for
31:03absolutely everything
31:05of all the nice things you could write about
31:08why have you chosen the war
31:09there were nice moments in the war
31:11the camaraderie
31:13singing
31:14we'll meet again around me old joanna
31:16my story
31:18it's about two soldiers
31:19their wives
31:21dead
31:22what both of them
31:24but it's campaigning catering
31:26it's normally the soldiers who die in it
31:28why have you killed off the wives
31:29I'm playing with the foam
31:31picture this
31:33it's late at night
31:36they're trying to sleep
31:40well they can't because of all
31:43maybe they're showing each other photographs of their wives
31:44little black and white ones
31:46why are you so obsessed with the wives
31:50a visit from the muse
31:53I've got something in this jiffy bag
31:55that's going to get your juices flowing
31:57I doubt it
31:59is your mum in
31:59yeah
32:00that's a shame
32:01you're in the park there aren't you
32:03you know there's a hoot right band
32:04yeah you should be doing it
32:06it's illegal
32:07well why could you and I can't
32:08no wait
32:09no seriously
32:10give it back
32:11what are you doing
32:11you should be doing
32:12it's illegal
32:13well there's a hoot right band
32:15it's hot in the night
32:25it's not a loop
32:27oi oi
32:31room for another calipo in there
32:33right fudge up
32:35you always have a bar
32:40who's the lads
32:40no no
32:43it's a heat
32:45I know you're gutted
32:50that your little mates run off
32:51and left you in the lurch
32:52and I feel for you
32:53I really do
32:54but I hope you'll come to think of this
32:56me
32:57as an opportunity
32:58you know
33:0020 years of running around
33:02getting a ball smacked in your face
33:03will make you thick
33:04that's just science
33:07and I know you're very good
33:09at the kick it there
33:10kick it in the goal there
33:12crap
33:12but you ain't a businessman
33:14you need a thinker
33:15someone with a bit of nous
33:17well you know
33:18you've got plenty of that
33:19yes I do
33:20I'm gonna make changes
33:22great
33:22big changes
33:23the cavalry is here
33:26well uh
33:29excuse me
33:31I've got work to do
33:32oh thank you
33:33that's me
33:33lean as a whistle
33:37great
33:38we should have all our meetings in here
33:41I like it
33:43oh of course you're having a bath
33:52it's two inches of water ranch
33:54rest of us are making do with a wet wipe under each armpit
33:56but you yeah you fill your boots
33:58I brought you these over
34:00oh
34:01because I know your parents don't read
34:02I do read
34:04I did a book club
34:05I suggested a book
34:0615 minute meals Christine
34:08pasta bake is not a plot
34:09you want a love story
34:11you will not get better than those
34:12200 of them
34:14the passion on those pages
34:16it compares me to a ripe nectarine in one of them
34:19oh I love a ripe nectarine
34:21everyone does
34:22that's his point
34:23I'm trying to stay strong in here
34:26but it's getting
34:26who's Daryl
34:27Daryl
34:28Daryl was a poet
34:31Belmarsh
34:32a poet and a burglar
34:33you've got a prison pen pal
34:34bloody hell Ange
34:36long time ago
34:37he's out now
34:38working in Timpsons
34:39Ange what's this
34:41oh good
34:41we were beyond words
34:43by the end
34:44hmm
34:45did that ever write
34:47your love letters mum
34:48no
34:48no we're not
34:50no I don't need letters
34:52it's your actions
34:54isn't it
34:54he shows me
34:55how
34:56how does he show you
34:57lots of ways
34:59lots of ways
34:59he um
35:00he er
35:02he er
35:02he it's the little things
35:05isn't it
35:06cleared loft out for me the other day
35:08Nigel cuts my uh
35:11my toast into little hearts
35:13aww
35:14that's weighs quite a lot of bread
35:16it's like George
35:16he's a romantic
35:17he's one of the soldiers in the story
35:19he's set in a trench
35:20oh I love a trench
35:21he's a quiet type
35:23very stoic
35:24elegant
35:25like a gazelle
35:28quick on his feet
35:29sees me weeping
35:30Mickey
35:31he sees Mickey weeping
35:33it's how the Germans pronounce Mickey
35:36he's another soldier in the story
35:38yeah
35:39Mickey is crying
35:41because he's going over the top
35:43it's a surprise
35:44fun fact
35:46you know trenches were never dug in a straight line
35:48it's like love
35:49because love
35:51is a winding road
35:53he's very good isn't he
35:54I mean his dad's a bit of a robot
35:56but he's he's
35:57he's got something
35:58here
35:59why don't you show those letters to Graham
36:01get his juices flowing
36:03hello hello
36:15alright
36:16do I not get a greeting
36:21for God's sake
36:23what do you want a curtsy
36:24no no it's just
36:25you know
36:26can I not have a minute to myself
36:29come in the door
36:31and you're already starting
36:32I'm not starting
36:33I'm
36:34what have I done
36:36I think it's because you never write a love letters
36:39what
36:39or cut a toast into hearts
36:41you should do something romantic
36:44can we
36:45can we not
36:46you know
36:47I've had a bit of a day
36:48I'm only trying to give you an heads up
36:50mano to mano
36:52what's for tea
36:54cheese and salad cream sandwich
36:56it's just too hot
36:58you could make dinner
36:59you gotta keep the fires burning dad
37:02we'd both been inspired
37:06dad had to whip up a feast
37:08I had to whip up a plot
37:10it all made sense to me now
37:12write what you know
37:14oh my gosh
37:29love this
37:30love this
37:32is
37:37too cold
37:39Garnisher.
37:51Are you going to get yours then?
37:53No.
37:55I haven't got the energy to make another one.
37:59So, what are you going to buy with the wheels?
38:02What?
38:03Oh, I don't know.
38:06I'm not really in it to the Woolies voucher.
38:08The writing is its own reward.
38:10No, it's not.
38:11It's like pulling teeth.
38:13I think I'm going to get a Mr Frosty.
38:16Good morning, Eastern Lovell.
38:19Quiet!
38:21So, Mrs Wilwald?
38:23What?
38:25What?
38:27Well, Paul has read all your entries
38:33and she said that the standard is incredibly high
38:35and there can only be one winner
38:38and this entry was deeply moving
38:41with a real relish of language
38:43and a precocious narrative confidence.
38:46So, let's announce the winner.
38:49Could...
38:50Alan Carr, please come on.
38:54Oh, yes!
38:55Oh, but...
38:56So, this was it.
39:01This was the beginning.
39:02Watch and weep, Eastern Lovell.
39:04Today, a Woolies voucher.
39:05Tomorrow, the booker.
39:06So, the process was excruciating.
39:09So what?
39:10You had to suffer for your art
39:11and I, Alan Carr, was an artist!
39:15Shh!
39:16Well done, Alan.
39:17Now, Miss Gideon will read an extract.
39:19Miss Gideon.
39:19Clever Boy.
39:22Open Arms by Alan Graham Carr.
39:27George's long, live neck
39:29stuck high above the parapet,
39:33a gazelle in the firing line,
39:35his trusseled auburn curls
39:38adding an extra inch or two to his height,
39:41forming a kind of halo
39:43which seemed to illuminate his face
39:46in the brutal dark.
39:47George thrashed into the sea,
39:49his muscular arms
39:50parting the water
39:52like Moses in fatigues
39:53as Miki's head
39:55slipped
39:56below the surface.
39:58That's like you and Jake in the pool.
40:00That was...
40:00George lunged through the surf,
40:03Miki's body
40:04bucked,
40:05his nostril not only flared with war
40:08but with chlorine.
40:10Chlorine?
40:11You think don't care?
40:12What would I write about Jake?
40:14It's fiction.
40:14Reality creeps in.
40:16Laughing creeps in.
40:18As Miki's lungs
40:19filled with water,
40:22George's opal eyes
40:23came into focus
40:25beneath the waves.
40:26Eyes
40:27blue as the ocean.
40:30The mood ring
40:31on his outstretched pinky
40:33seemed to be mesmerised.
40:36Right, OK,
40:36I think that's enough.
40:38We all need to be getting to class,
40:39don't we?
40:40What?
40:40He surrendered his body to George.
40:46Is this the miracle Miki needed?
40:49A hero?
40:58But it wasn't.
41:01He was dead.
41:04He had died.
41:06Er...
41:07He drowned.
41:09Gosh, so sad.
41:11But poor Miki,
41:12that's...
41:12That's, um...
41:14So, yes,
41:14that's the...
41:15The end!
41:17She'd stopped the world
41:18from knowing I was gay
41:19and took that secret to her grave.
41:21Love you, Jackie.
41:22That's a joke, man.
41:23Mine was way better than that.
41:24Oi!
41:25Zip it!
41:25Zip it!
41:27Well done, Alan.
41:28You surprised us all now.
41:30Off you go, then!
41:31I couldn't see meself
41:34slaving over a hot biro,
41:36scraping a living as an author.
41:38I was a talker,
41:39a raconteur,
41:41a chatty man.
41:42But who was gonna pay me
41:43to do that job?
41:45Take me down to the...
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