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00:00Today, the sun was out, the cobblers were riding high, nothing was gonna spoil her day.
00:06Judith!
00:10Nothing.
00:12Hi, Jill!
00:15Nothing.
00:16Morning. Anything for me?
00:18Oh, sod on.
00:20Okay, maybe that would.
00:21Did the cobblers lose on Saturday?
00:23Oh, it'd be Cardiff City 3-2.
00:25You were there. Raph gave us a penalty last minute.
00:28Ah, bless him.
00:29If we won, why am I getting funny looks from everyone?
00:32It's those earmuffs. I've told you not to wear them.
00:35I don't!
00:36The muffs fell off. It's more of an Alice band now.
00:39I swear the lollipop lady gave me evils.
00:43Ask public enemy number one.
00:46Oh.
00:47I just spoke to the cron about being a football manager's wife.
00:50Your dad thinks I said too much.
00:52Oh.
00:53Okay.
00:54I see a lot of envy in the street, and that hurts.
00:57I am a person, you know. Cut me. I bleed.
01:01Well, I do.
01:02A friendly wife from me brightens up the most mundane of Mondays
01:06for me neighbours.
01:09What were you thinking, Mum?
01:11I didn't say that.
01:12I said Tuesdays. They're twisting my words.
01:14Newspapers don't lie.
01:15And when it comes to me sons, me Alan's a slave to the prune jewels.
01:20He gets very banged up.
01:22One little comment.
01:23Why are you bringing up me constipation in a froth piece?
01:26It's a good job Alan and Gary don't want to be footballers.
01:28Their wives have to put up with this every time they open their mouths.
01:32My mum was wry. I couldn't follow in me dad's footsteps for my wife's sake.
01:42But I was on a different path, and in a matter of moments I'd know exactly what path that was.
01:52Jake, what'd you get?
01:53Architect.
01:54Architect.
01:55Oh, nice.
01:56Like Tom Selleck and three men in a bag.
01:58Oi, oi, oi, bum boy.
01:59You're all falling off Alan.
02:00Oh, Mum, stick a prune up my arse.
02:02Oh, please, Mummy. It won't come out.
02:09So this was it.
02:10Next two.
02:11Questionnaire completed, and a computer had decided our futures.
02:15The job you'd be doing until the day you died.
02:19Chambermaid?
02:21She wanted a career in the sciences.
02:23Oh, she will be working with chemicals.
02:25Jif, Domestos and Alan.
02:28We all know where this is going.
02:30But will it be comedian, presenter, muse, national treasure?
02:33I can't go to prison.
02:36Would a grammar school pupil get prisoner?
02:38Where is the ambition?
02:40No, Kate, prison warden.
02:42True.
02:43There it was, in black and white.
02:45Prison warden.
02:46What a slap in the face.
02:48It's like the hopes and dreams had been put on death row.
02:51You do get a uniform?
02:52I can't wear it at all, grey.
02:54Look at me!
02:55I need a pop of colour.
02:57I know I tick working indoors and meeting interesting people,
03:00but I meant socialites and celebrities.
03:03Not shoplifters and serial killers.
03:06He deserves a second chance.
03:07I'm afraid the computer doesn't lie.
03:09No, love, don't worry about it.
03:11I'll get something worse.
03:13What's worse than that?
03:14Careers advisor.
03:16Come on, Kate, grab your satchel.
03:19I think we've heard quite enough.
03:22Shut the door, please.
03:24I'm crossing the picket line here.
03:25Social suicide.
03:26Just checking you're alright.
03:27What with the article.
03:28I know you've had hate mail.
03:29No.
03:30No, I haven't.
03:31It's coming.
03:32Look, I doubt most of them have even read it.
03:33Oh, Christine, there's been a meeting.
03:34I don't want to speak for the whole street,
03:35but the words lady muck were used.
03:36Cow.
03:37Silly cow.
03:38Rude cow.
03:39Any more.
03:40Oh, it's all in the minutes.
03:41I did try to defend you.
03:42I said she's not being rude.
03:43She's just a bit thick.
03:44But they've got the pitchforks out, I'm afraid.
03:45This is just what happens with success.
03:46People turn around.
03:47I don't know.
03:48I don't know.
03:49I don't know.
03:50I don't know.
03:51I don't know.
03:52I don't know.
03:53I don't know.
03:54I don't know.
03:55I don't know.
03:56I don't know.
03:57I don't know.
03:58I don't know.
03:59I don't know.
04:00I don't know.
04:01I don't know.
04:04I mean, look at Fergie.
04:07Oh, Christine, that's it.
04:08You've got to do what the royals do.
04:10What?
04:11Open a supermarket?
04:12No.
04:13Have a garden party.
04:14They let all the plebs in for the afternoon.
04:15Look at their pot plants.
04:16Then no one minds that they cosy up to dictators
04:18and marry their cousins.
04:19Well, they're not going to come if they hate me that much, are they?
04:21Christine, they'd go to Saddam Hussein's house
04:23if he was giving them a free burger.
04:25Right.
04:26You think on it, yeah?
04:34Oh, what's up, darling?
04:38Molly from 26.
04:40Oh!
04:41Hi, Molly.
04:42Welcome.
04:43And bye, Diane.
04:45Oh, Diane.
04:46Thanks for coming.
04:47Oh!
04:48Oh, you shouldn't have.
04:49Not good enough, eh?
04:51I'll drink it myself.
04:53Gee.
04:54Oh.
04:55Strong start.
04:56Well, come to something if you know you're going to hate it.
04:58I'm not going to watch the couplers every week.
05:00It's true.
05:01Graham!
05:02Door!
05:03Right?
05:04Look, if you want to invite anyone, you can always use our phone.
05:21Call a friend?
05:23Bradley?
05:24Oh!
05:25Or Jake.
05:26Jake, maybe.
05:27Jake only lives 0.7 miles from here.
05:29Yeah, why didn't you call him?
05:32Mum said she'll give me a fiver if I stay for an hour.
05:36Right.
05:37OK, there you go.
05:38Uh...
05:39Solid bar.
05:40I'll have a burger, please.
05:41Mmm...
05:42No, no, no.
05:43Are you all right, mate?
05:44Yeah.
05:45What are those?
05:46Ah, burger.
05:47Right.
05:48Over here.
05:49Right.
05:50Over here.
05:51Right.
05:52Good.
05:53Good.
05:54Good.
05:55Good.
05:56Alright.
05:57Good.
05:58Good.
05:59Good.
06:00Good.
06:01Good.
06:02Good.
06:03Did you move my sausages?
06:14No.
06:15All right, lads.
06:16Oh, something smells good.
06:18Oh, I'm Tom.
06:19All right, Tom.
06:20You all right?
06:21Graham.
06:22Nigel Hudson.
06:23How you doing?
06:24You all right?
06:25You after a burger?
06:26Oh, no, no, no, no.
06:27I'm on the job.
06:28Boss will catch me slacking.
06:29I saw the skip out front.
06:30Best years of my life working on a building site.
06:32Babe magnet, aren't you?
06:33Sitting up there with her legs swinging.
06:35Tell my Ange.
06:36She wolf whistled me.
06:38Right.
06:39And what do you do now?
06:41Insoles.
06:42Yeah, we're number one supplier in the West Midlands area.
06:45Big demand for insoles, then.
06:47Just a bit, mate.
06:49I mean, look around her.
06:50How many feet are here?
06:51You got, what, 20 old guests, two feet each?
06:54That's...
06:55It's a lot of feet.
07:00Yeah.
07:01No, it sure is.
07:02Er, no, what about you, Graham?
07:04What do you do?
07:05Oh, here we go.
07:06Go on here, tell him.
07:08I'm a football manager.
07:10Northampton Town.
07:11Cobblers.
07:12Never.
07:13Really?
07:14Yeah.
07:15Oh, God.
07:16You guys are doing pretty well.
07:17Yeah, I'm doing all right.
07:18They're really chucking that Dijon.
07:20This is my eldest, Alan.
07:23Alan, this is Tom.
07:24He's next door's builder.
07:26Hello, Tom.
07:27You, er, you're gonna play football like your old man?
07:30Not unless they build a pitch in strange ways.
07:32Oh, his careers advisor says he's gonna be a prison warden.
07:36Oh.
07:37Computers don't, they?
07:38Oh, come off it.
07:39Computers can't predict the future.
07:41My wife can.
07:42Mm-hmm.
07:43Yeah, you know, Deb, she...
07:46She can, oh, you know, see things.
07:49She's right every time.
07:51She knew I needed a root canal months before the dentist.
07:55I'm trying to get her on to you, bet.
07:57But she doesn't like to shout about it.
07:59It's true, Dave.
08:00Is he psychic?
08:01What did I just say?
08:02Fake, Roy.
08:03Who needed a computer when you had a chain-smoking,
08:06Cardi-wearing oracle at your fingertips?
08:09I come bearing gifts.
08:20Well, gift.
08:21Oh.
08:22Oh, I'm your new neighbour, Jess.
08:25Please do help yourself to a wine or a burger.
08:28Chris, look who I just found.
08:32Oh, Ron.
08:34So glad you could make it.
08:36I wouldn't miss this for the world.
08:37It's lovely to see you.
08:41It's quite turnout.
08:42Well, it is considering.
08:44Last time I let her near a dictaphone.
08:46Maybe just a quick reading.
08:48Larry, I call on the cob in peace.
08:50Well, Ron, it's happy to see you.
08:52My job.
08:53It was my future.
08:54I wanted spoilers.
08:55I predict that you are going to need a rest after all this.
09:00Speaking of predictions,
09:02if someone had a question about the future...
09:06What do you want to know?
09:07Me?
09:08God, I don't know.
09:10I haven't really thought about it all up in the moment, me.
09:13God, you really put me on the spot, you have, Debs.
09:16Am I going to be a prison warden?
09:18Why?
09:19Do you want to be?
09:20I ain't swinging round a tranchion.
09:22Of course I don't.
09:23It was a prediction.
09:25Well, what else did this psychic say?
09:29No, it wasn't a psychic.
09:31It was a Commodore 64.
09:32I'm not following you, Alan.
09:34I read a thing the other day
09:36that a prisoner made a machete out of a toothbrush,
09:38swallowed it all, pooed it out and shanked someone.
09:40Alan!
09:41Why are you telling me this?
09:43That computer robbed me of my future, Debs.
09:46I should have some hope.
09:48No, a second opinion.
09:50Please give me a reading.
09:52Maybe later, love.
09:53Just finished me calling on the cop.
09:58I can't relax with you working over there
10:00whilst we're having all this fun.
10:01Are you sure I can't tempt you to a beer?
10:03Oh, don't drink and drill, Christine.
10:04Well, there might not be any left later.
10:06The old streets come.
10:07I think they needed a bit of the meat.
10:09Don't want to get in trouble with the boss, do I?
10:11Good boy.
10:12All right.
10:13Wouldn't want to upset Jez.
10:14Why not?
10:15You've upset everyone else.
10:17I think you've had enough.
10:25Sorry, Debs.
10:26I know you've got everyone bending your ear,
10:28but I'm just wondering if you see any babies on the horizon.
10:32I think that ship's sailed, don't you?
10:34Ship's sailed?
10:35I am years off that, thank you.
10:37No, I mean grandchildren.
10:39Oh, right.
10:40I've always wanted to be Nanny Hench.
10:43But Charlie's a bit of a heartthrob.
10:45Mmm.
10:46You're worried he won't settle?
10:48Well, I'll...
10:50I'll see what comes to me.
10:52Would you?
10:55You getting anything?
10:56It's not instant.
10:57No.
10:59Lovely weather for it.
11:01Dry.
11:02Yeah.
11:04We've had some good times, haven't we?
11:06We'll have plenty more, I'm sure.
11:08Seventh in the league.
11:10You all right?
11:15I'm not drunk already, are you?
11:17Drunk?
11:18No.
11:20Wish I was.
11:21Make this a little easier.
11:25Oh, hello.
11:27It's funny you say about babies,
11:29because I can see you with a big belly.
11:33A big round belly.
11:36Waddling you are.
11:38Around the shop.
11:39What?
11:40What?
11:41Depth.
11:44Is Nigel the father?
11:45It's not Ron's, is it?
11:48Because there is a frisson.
11:50You're not pregnant.
11:51No.
11:53Shoving something up your jumper.
11:56The...
11:57Oh!
11:58Now there's an arm on your shoulder.
12:00I don't understand, Debs.
12:01Is this sexual?
12:03Oh!
12:04Store detective.
12:05Caught in the act.
12:07I have stopped all that.
12:09I only did it twice for the adrenaline.
12:10Packet of 40 denier tarts and a lip gloss.
12:12Oh!
12:13Now there's blue flashing lights.
12:15Debs, you are scaring me.
12:16Oh, look.
12:17I'm sorry, it's just I see what I see.
12:20Where's that drink?
12:21Here's me drink.
12:23So?
12:24What did she say?
12:25I'm waiting for Rad to do me.
12:26You alright, Ange?
12:27Oh.
12:28You're very pale.
12:29She sees it all.
12:31Your darkest secrets.
12:33I'll come off it.
12:34It's only a bit of a laugh.
12:36It's not a laugh, Christine.
12:37She's got a third eye under that fringe.
12:40It sort of gushes out of her.
12:42Things you do not want to know.
12:44God knows what she said to Geraldine,
12:45but she's just thrown her wedding in a bush.
12:47Oh.
12:48No, I'd stay clear if I were you.
12:50Well clear.
12:53But she can't see everything, can she?
12:57Everything.
12:59She knows you better than you know yourself.
13:09Graham, I've got something I want to tell you.
13:11Okay?
13:20Oh.
13:21That is work done.
13:22Oh, Christine.
13:24I couldn't have that beer that you were teasing me with.
13:26Jez, aren't you sweet?
13:27Letting your builder knock off early.
13:31And this shepherd's pie.
13:33Beautiful.
13:34It's actually moussaka.
13:37Your wife's at the lottery, Jez.
13:39Hasn't she just?
13:40Uh, Debs.
13:41Oh, I'm trying, love, I am.
13:43Let's leave it.
13:44I think I'll get there, love.
13:45Don't worry about the old prison thing.
13:47The uniform's growing on me,
13:48and who doesn't love a metal detector?
13:51It's no trouble, love.
13:52Okay, sirrah, sirrah.
13:53Because I think I'm getting some...
13:55Leave it, Debs!
13:56Right, gather round, everyone!
14:02After polishing off a caraffa wine, Mum was ready to address her subjects.
14:09Come on, don't be shy.
14:11I wanted to thank you all for coming.
14:14It's lovely to see such a big turnout.
14:16You might hate me, but you love a free wine.
14:22No.
14:24No.
14:26I'm sorry if my comments in the cron were...
14:29a bit much.
14:30I honestly didn't mean to patronise...
14:34talk down to you.
14:35We know what patronise means.
14:37I never meant to put me foot in it.
14:39Size six, high insults.
14:41I love you all.
14:43I do.
14:44And if smiling and waving at you is a crime, well then lock me up.
14:47There you go.
14:48That's your first customer.
14:49I love seeing your little faces light up.
14:51In fact, do you know what? I'm going to do this again.
14:57I'm going to do this bi-annually.
14:59What's 176 pound?
15:00Now, I know that's a lot to you lot.
15:01But if it spreads a bit of happiness...
15:02Oh, Jesus Christ.
15:03Because I love you.
15:04I do.
15:05And I love my boys.
15:06Get up here boys.
15:07Where's my Alan?
15:08Wait.
15:09Eat, drink, and be merry.
15:10I'm getting something.
15:11Showtime.
15:12She does this one.
15:13It's the big one, okay?
15:14But she can't get a signal through the wall.
15:15Um, no.
15:16Actually, I...
15:17It's ever so clear, this one.
15:18Should we do this inside?
15:19I can see.
15:20Oh, you're knackered, Debs.
15:21You don't know what you're saying.
15:22Clapping.
15:23People clapping.
15:24Hundreds of them.
15:25Go on.
15:26And one of those mirrors.
15:27I do.
15:28I do.
15:29And I love my boys.
15:30And I love my boys.
15:31Get up here boys.
15:32Where's my Alan?
15:33Eat, drink, and be merry.
15:34Eat, drink, and be merry.
15:35I'm getting something.
15:36Showtime.
15:37Go on.
15:38And one of those mirrors.
15:39With the little light bulbs all around it.
15:42Oh.
15:43Oh.
15:44His little face.
15:46Glowing.
15:47Oh, my God.
15:48Oh.
15:49And there's a camera.
15:50I knew him, Mum.
15:52This is the future.
15:53Go on, Debs.
15:54I'm gonna be famous.
15:56Not you.
15:57Him.
15:58Ah.
15:59Gary?
16:00Gary?
16:01Me.
16:02Ken.
16:03Oh, I knew she had it in her.
16:05This is not fair.
16:06He's to be in prison.
16:07I should be the one on stage.
16:08No.
16:09I know.
16:10Is she?
16:11Memory.
16:12All alone in the moonlight.
16:15I can smile at the old days.
16:16Shh.
16:17Alan.
16:18Alan.
16:19Alan.
16:20Shh.
16:21People are eating, love.
16:22Get off that.
16:23You'll break it.
16:24Look.
16:25I see what I see.
16:26Yeah, we'll try seeing something else.
16:27Did you hear her?
16:28Little star.
16:29God, the papers have been knocking again.
16:30There's more.
16:31Oh, pack it in now, Debs.
16:32You've had your fun.
16:33Someone is moving on.
16:34She's opened the floodgates now.
16:35Come on, Debs.
16:36Someone is leaving.
16:37Oh.
16:38I've got to go and feed the cat.
16:39They're coming out of something difficult.
16:40Oh, they've paid too great a price.
16:41God, are my hairs a standing up?
16:42A secret burns inside of them.
16:43Oh.
16:44William.
16:45I'd better tell you before a Nostradamus does.
16:46Yeah.
16:47I'm leaving the club.
16:48I'm leaving the club.
16:49I've got to go and feed the cat.
16:50Open the floodgates now.
16:51Come on, Debs.
16:52Someone is leaving.
16:53Oh.
16:54I've got to go and feed the cat.
16:55They're coming out of something difficult.
16:56Oh, they've paid too great a price.
16:57God, are my hairs a standing up?
16:58A secret burns inside of them.
17:01Oh.
17:02William.
17:03I'd better tell you before a Nostradamus does.
17:08Yeah.
17:09I'm leaving the club.
17:11No, it's gone.
17:12Sorry.
17:13It's hot.
17:14I thought it was great.
17:15There's no more cash.
17:16I've run out.
17:17I can't take you any further.
17:20Oh, oh, Graham, grab some kitchen rolls.
17:24Hey, love, have hot dog.
17:28They'll only go out.
17:29I'm leaving the club.
17:30I'm leaving the club.
17:31No, it's gone.
17:32Sorry.
17:33There's no more cash.
17:34I've run out.
17:35I can't take you any further.
17:36Oh, Graham, grab some kitchen rolls.
17:37Oh, Graham, grab some kitchen rolls.
17:38Hey, love, have hot dog.
17:40Have hot dog.
17:41They'll only go in the bin.
17:44We can't help it.
17:46We're just destined for greatness, this family.
17:49I'm not.
17:50Oh, Alan, since when have you listened to your teachers?
17:53I can't be a prison warden.
17:56Of course you can't.
17:57You get claustrophobic putting on a roll neck.
17:59I just thought that the future would be better than...
18:03now.
18:06Oh, Alan, we'll have a brilliant future.
18:10But you don't need all the answers now, do you?
18:14It's part of the fun.
18:15It's part of the fun.
18:16Finding your way.
18:17Working it all out.
18:19I have to find my way out of Broadmoor first.
18:21They are coming up with new jobs all the time.
18:24You could be a robot or something.
18:26Look, I can't tell the future like Debs,
18:30but I know you'll have a job you'll be proud of.
18:33And whatever it is, I'll be telling everyone I meet,
18:37that's my son.
18:39Really?
18:40Because you were pretty quiet when I was shrink-wrapping dog food
18:43on that industrial estate.
18:45Thanks, Mum.
18:46I needed to wear that.
18:48As Doris Day would say,
18:50Okay, surah, surah.
18:52Surah.
18:53Check this one out.
18:54So, two nuns in a bath.
18:56And one says, where's the site?
18:58The second nun says...
19:00I tried everything.
19:02I really did.
19:04Got so many corners.
19:06I even mowed the pitch meself for the last six months.
19:09Oh, you should have said something.
19:11I didn't want you worrying.
19:12Oh, well, I'm bloody worrying now.
19:15Well, don't.
19:16You are flying, Graeme.
19:18That's not down to me.
19:19It's down to us.
19:21No, we did it together.
19:24Graeme.
19:28Working with you has been the honour of my life.
19:32I'll come off it.
19:33You have been more of a brother to me
19:35than me own sister.
19:38But that gypsy woman was right.
19:41It's time for me to go, so...
19:46I'm gonna stand up
19:48and walk through those aluminium sliding doors.
19:53No.
19:54Please.
19:55Don't.
19:57I've never been any good at goodbyes.
20:01Fancy my soccer run?
20:03Oh!
20:04That'd be lovely!
20:12Dad?
20:13Yeah?
20:14How long's run staying?
20:15Because I want to watch Brookside.
20:19Not long.
20:25Lock up, will you?
20:26I hear the train are coming.
20:27It's rolling around the fence.
20:28And I ain't seen the sunshine since.
20:29I don't know where to go.
20:30I'm stuck and pulled to the river.
20:31That time keeps dragging on.
20:32Quiet down.
20:33Lights out.
20:34The summer of 89.
20:36And it was horribly close on the close.
20:37As temperatures soared to a record high.
20:38Alan, you're gonna have to stop doing that.
20:39You're gonna defrost me mints.
20:40Don't let me go in.
20:41They won't even let you take your tie off.
20:42It's in there.
20:43It's in there.
20:44No.
20:45No.
20:46No.
20:47No.
20:48No.
20:49No.
20:50No.
20:51No.
20:52No.
20:53No.
20:54No.
20:55No.
20:56No.
20:57No.
20:58No.
20:59No.
21:00No.
21:01No.
21:02No.
21:03No.
21:04They won't even let you take your tie off.
21:05It's inhumane.
21:08Gary!
21:09A few days into our hose park band.
21:10And we were as frattled as our lawns.
21:12Why am I wearing a coat?
21:14Gonna be 89 today.
21:15The calves didn't do well in the heat.
21:17Gonna be 89 today.
21:19This is too much.
21:21We need to evacuate.
21:22Send me to the coast.
21:23Charlie is cool as a cucumber.
21:24It's in the blood, isn't it?
21:25We're a 16th Mediterranean.
21:27Mediterranean.
21:28Yeah.
21:29You told us.
21:30Bit hot for that, isn't it?
21:32Oh, that's actually work, mate.
21:32Nothing a cool lemonade won't sort.
21:37That builder's taken a mick, ain't he?
21:39Aye, oh, you know full well we're being talked about.
21:42Right, kiss, kiss.
21:43Come here.
21:45Oh, what's that?
21:47Give a sip.
21:50You've defrosted me peas.
21:51It's got sweet corn round the back.
21:53You're not having my sweet corn.
21:55Why am I still in this coat?
21:56This is ungodly.
21:59I'll be quite sure all of the windows are open.
22:02Yes, really?
22:03To the Lord's sake, it barely opens an inch.
22:06I think it's so we don't fall out.
22:08Never little.
22:09She'll be falling out of everything at your age.
22:11Trees, nightclubs, aeroplates.
22:14For a woman who'd once snapped Julian Lloyd Webber's cello in half,
22:18Miss Gideon looked unusually vulnerable.
22:20Well, we have a very special guest with us here today.
22:23She's a published author.
22:25She's written three books.
22:27Most recently...
22:28Jagged Rocks.
22:29Yes, which has sold various copies worldwide.
22:32And she's launching a short story competition
22:35with a £10 Woolworth's voucher up for grabs.
22:39Oh.
22:40So, welcome to the here, my dear, dear friend,
22:45Madeleine Whipple.
22:45I hope we're all readers here.
22:51Well, yes.
22:52Good.
22:53That's how it starts.
22:54To write, you have got to read.
22:56I've been reading since I was one.
22:59I could read before I could walk.
23:01School was awful for me.
23:03I had one friend, and she was a hamster.
23:07Books have been my refuge.
23:10My joy.
23:11A place to escape.
23:12I felt like that author was talking directly to me.
23:17But then her voice was so booming,
23:19it also felt like she was talking to Arthur Kettering and Corby.
23:22Books have been good to me, and I have been good to books.
23:25My God, it is hot in here.
23:28I love to read, hated school, and I only had one friend.
23:37This was my calling.
23:38What did we do when this happened?
23:39I was going to be a writer.
23:42You know, sometimes the right person comes along at just the right time
23:46and gives you a good old...
23:47Oi, oi, oi.
23:49People will rest, Grace.
23:50It's 89 degrees, innit?
23:52Yeah, this is a pitch.
23:53Come on, boys.
23:54Come around.
23:55Come around.
23:55Come around.
23:55Come around.
23:55Come around.
23:55Come around.
23:55Come around.
23:55Come around.
23:55Come around.
23:56Come around.
23:56I want a picture.
23:58I want a memento of this moment, the moment that I, Nick Chalmers,
24:02single-handedly saved the cobblers.
24:04100% success rate, satisfaction guaranteed, or your money back.
24:09Right, can we do it later?
24:11You know, we're in the middle of training.
24:15I bought them.
24:16I'm the chairman.
24:18I want to ickle picky with them, don't I?
24:20Yep.
24:21It's a new era.
24:22Nick's on the ball.
24:24Get in!
24:25Get that for us, son.
24:27Really?
24:27Really?
24:28Yes?
24:28What are you wearing a jumper for, you doner?
24:30Go on.
24:31Off you go.
24:31Right, come on, boys, in front of the goal.
24:33Get in.
24:34Quick, quick, quick.
24:34Wipe your nose.
24:36Right, come on, Gray.
24:37You and me at the front.
24:38Ron used to stand to the side at the back.
24:41He also used to wazz your money up a wall, so forgive me if I don't follow suit.
24:45Come on.
24:45You and me, in the front.
24:46Get up.
24:47What are you doing?
24:48We're not a communion.
24:49Gray, come on.
24:50Big smiles.
24:51Big smiles.
24:52Look at that.
24:53Big smiles.
24:54Come on, Gray, cheer up, you miserable git.
24:57Smile.
24:58Everyone have fun.
25:00Say cobblers.
25:01Cobblers.
25:02Louder.
25:03Louder than that.
25:04What's wrong with you?
25:05Cobblers.
25:06Cobblers.
25:07Yay.
25:08Crumbling rock.
25:09Crumbling.
25:10Hit the consonant.
25:12The crumbling rock.
25:15The dewy moss.
25:17Feel the dew.
25:19Yeah, I am.
25:26Crustaceans clinging like a baby to the nipple.
25:30None of you would be here without the nipple.
25:33Hey, Alan, let's stop there.
25:34That's enough for now.
25:36I think Madeline needs to rest.
25:38No, I don't.
25:39I'll read it.
25:40I'll read it.
25:41Wait.
25:42Stop.
25:43Just do your work.
25:45He's elegant, isn't he?
25:47Like a gazelle.
25:49Oh.
25:50Jake.
25:51Is he?
25:52I've really noticed.
25:55A writing competition with my imagination.
26:01I could definitely do this.
26:03Oh.
26:04I can't do this.
26:06It's too hard to do anything.
26:07Just lie down.
26:08They say write what you know.
26:09That's all right for Jackie Collins.
26:10She lived in Monte Carlo.
26:11What am I going to write about?
26:12What?
26:13The growth in the centre and gary?
26:14Don't knock it till you tried it.
26:16I'm going on a walk.
26:17I need inspiration.
26:18Even though Ange had a bad garden, she preferred to burn in public.
26:31And?
26:32What's Charlie writing about?
26:34He's trying to fry an egg on the windowsill at the minute, Alan.
26:37We got a short story competition.
26:38Has he mentioned it?
26:39He hasn't, no.
26:41I'm struggling to be honest.
26:44Still trying to find me muse.
26:47Alan, that's very sweet, but I'm a bit busy at the minute.
26:50I can't believe it.
26:51Someone's got the sprinkler on.
26:53There is a hope right back.
26:57Got the sprinkler on?
26:58What?
26:59I followed the sound, Christine.
27:00It's coming from here.
27:01No, we haven't got a sprinkler.
27:02Don't lie to me.
27:03I've seen you alone.
27:04Nigel, I'm telling you, we do not have a sprinkler.
27:06Well, someone has.
27:09Where's Graham?
27:10He's at work.
27:11Do your breathing.
27:12All right?
27:13Wait!
27:14Listen, I can hear it!
27:24It's Jean's house.
27:25Jean's in respite care.
27:26Oh, she will be in a minute.
27:28Jean!
27:29Jean!
27:30Sorry about him.
27:31He gets a bit in the heat, you know.
27:32We think it's glandular.
27:33Yeah.
27:34He was up 3am last night thinking he was flying a spitfire.
27:36He kept trying to find the ejector seat.
27:38Hey, look at me.
27:39I haven't even asked how your prickly heat is.
27:41I don't have prickly heat, you poor bugger.
27:43I saw you from across the road the other day.
27:44Legs like pepper armies.
27:45Is it sore?
27:46Not as sore as that's going to be.
27:51So, to inspire those short story characters,
27:54look across at the person opposite
27:57and feel them with your eyes.
28:01Let your gaze caress their hair, their cheekbones.
28:05Describe them poetically.
28:08Bathe in metaphors and similes.
28:16Shall I start?
28:18With your eyes.
28:24They're like opals.
28:26Opal gemstones, not opal fruits.
28:29Or a lake.
28:32With sunlight bouncing off the surface.
28:36Offset with your mesmerising mood ring on your binky.
28:40Oh, thanks, but it's a signet ring.
28:44And your hair is brown, isn't it?
28:47Basic brown.
28:48So that's finished.
28:49Oh, mate, I've got to do yours now.
28:50Jake was going to describe me.
28:52I wonder if he'd mention my shapely legs.
28:56We're supposed to be in PE ten minutes ago.
28:58Excuse me.
28:59Do you mind?
29:00They're supposed to be up and out.
29:01Not sat here like rotting veg.
29:03They cannot go outside in this heat.
29:05Yeah, I can't play rounders today.
29:07You can't play rounders any day.
29:09You're crap.
29:10I have merely tweaked the schedule for the good of their health.
29:14Oh, you just want a captive audience.
29:16Because you can't get an acting job.
29:18Et tu, Brute.
29:20That's Shakespeare.
29:22Get your sport out of my classroom.
29:25What are you going to do about it, little lady?
29:28No, she is little.
29:30She is fierce.
29:31Shakespeare again.
29:33Oh, is she now?
29:34Yes.
29:35She is.
29:36Is she?
29:37She is.
29:38She is.
29:39I am.
29:44Right.
29:47Right!
29:48Anybody who wants to rounders, follow me.
29:52What about my eyes?
29:54You shouldn't be allowed to just yank a pupil out in the middle of an exercise.
29:58Awful man.
29:59Are you all right, miss?
30:01Please, Alan.
30:02I need to remember this without your voice.
30:05Oh, God.
30:06Have you thought what you're going to be out of?
30:08I don't know.
30:09Probably the war.
30:10No way.
30:11Yeah, me too.
30:12Yeah?
30:13Mmm.
30:14What, what?
30:15Oh, they all blend together after a while, don't they?
30:16So what drew you to war?
30:17I don't know.
30:18It's just interesting, isn't it?
30:19Politics and that, all the countries.
30:20Oh, God, yeah.
30:21It's like being in Eurovision.
30:22A few boom banger bangs over Dresden.
30:23I think I'm going to focus more on the relationship between the soldiers, the buzz of the trench.
30:28Yeah, yeah.
30:29Sounds good.
30:30Oh, we should probably do some research.
30:31So why don't we meet up one lunch time?
30:32Go to the library?
30:33Cool.
30:34Yeah.
30:35Oh, yeah.
30:36Oh, that's my boss.
30:37See you all, then.
30:38Yeah, bye.
30:39War.
30:40What was it good for?
30:41Absolutely everything.
30:42That's all about it.
30:43Yeah, yeah.
30:44OK.
30:45That's all about it.
30:46Well, I'm going to go to the library.
30:48How does that work?
30:49Oh, I'm going to go to the library.
30:50I'm going to go to the library.
30:52So, why don't we meet up one lunchtime, go to the library?
30:55Cool. Yeah.
30:57Oh, that's my boss. See you, Alan. Yeah, bye.
31:01War. What was it good for?
31:03Absolutely everything.
31:05Of all the nice things you could write about,
31:07why have you chosen the war?
31:09There were nice moments in the war.
31:11The camaraderie, singing,
31:13we'll meet again around the old Joanna.
31:16My story is about two soldiers.
31:20Their wives? Dead.
31:23What, both of them? Mm.
31:25But it's campaigning Kettering.
31:27It's normally the soldiers who die in it. Why have you killed off the wives?
31:30I'm playing with the film.
31:32Picture this.
31:34It's late at night.
31:37They're trying to sleep.
31:41Well, they can't because of all...
31:43Maybe they're showing each other photographs of their wives.
31:45Little black and white ones.
31:47Why are you so obsessed with the wives?
31:51A visit from the muse?
31:53I've got something in this jiffy bag, Alan,
31:55that's going to get your juices flowing.
31:57I doubt it.
31:58Is your mum in? Yeah.
32:00That's a shame.
32:01You're all in the parks there, aren't you?
32:03You know, there's a hope like that.
32:04Yeah, no, so you should be doing it.
32:06It's illegal.
32:07Well, why could you and I can't?
32:08No, wait.
32:09No, seriously.
32:10Give it back.
32:11What are you doing?
32:12You should be doing it.
32:13It's illegal.
32:14Well, there's a hope like that.
32:16Give me that.
32:18It's a neat thing.
32:19It's not a little.
32:22It's not a little.
32:23It's a pretty nice.
32:24It's not a little fun.
32:25Oi, oi.
32:26Room for another Kalippo in there.
32:32Got the world we've made along...
32:35Alright, fudge up.
32:36Ha, ha, ha.
32:37You always have a bar?
32:39Who's the lads?
32:41No, no.
32:42It's the heat.
32:43I'm going to cut out...
32:45Bye, bye, bye.
32:47I know you're gutted that your little mates run off and left you in the lurch and I feel for you.
32:53I really do, but I hope you'll come to think of this, me, as an opportunity.
33:00You know, 20 years of running around, getting a ball smacked in your face will make you thick.
33:05That's just science.
33:08And I know you're very good at the kick it there, kick it in the goal there, crap.
33:13But you ain't a businessman, you need a thinker.
33:15Some long with a bit of nows.
33:17Well, you know, you've got plenty of that.
33:19Yes, I do.
33:21I'm going to make changes, Grey.
33:22Big changes.
33:24The cavalry is here.
33:28Well, excuse me, I've got work to do.
33:32Oh, thank you, that's great.
33:36Lean as a whistle.
33:38Grey, we should have all our meetings in here.
33:42I like it.
33:45Oh, of course you're having a bath.
33:53It's two inches of water, Ange.
33:54The rest of us are making do with a wet wipe under each armpit, but you, yeah, you fill your boots.
33:59I brought you these over.
34:00Oh?
34:01Because I know your parents don't read.
34:03I do read.
34:04I did a book club.
34:05I suggested a book.
34:0615-minute meals, Christine.
34:08Pasta bake is not a plot.
34:09You want a love story, you will not get better than those.
34:13200 of them.
34:14The passion on those pages.
34:17It compares me to a ripe nectarine in one of them.
34:19Oh, I love a ripe nectarine.
34:21Everyone does.
34:22That's his point.
34:24I'm trying to stay strong in here, but it's getting...
34:27Who's Daryl?
34:28Daryl?
34:28Daryl was a poet.
34:31Belmarsh?
34:32A poet and a burglar.
34:33You've got a prison pen pal?
34:35Bloody hell, Ange.
34:36Long time ago.
34:38He's out now, working in Timpsons.
34:39Ange, what's this?
34:41Oh, God.
34:42We were beyond words by the end.
34:44Hmm.
34:46Did Dad ever write your love letters, Mum?
34:48No.
34:49No, we're not...
34:50No, I don't need letters.
34:53It's your actions, isn't it?
34:54He shows me.
34:55How?
34:56How does he show you?
34:58Lots of ways.
34:59Hmm.
35:00He, um...
35:01He, er...
35:02He...
35:04It's the little things, isn't it?
35:07Cleared loft out for me the other day.
35:10Nigel cuts my, uh...
35:12my toast into little hearts.
35:14Aww.
35:14That weighs quite a lot of bread.
35:16It's like George.
35:17He's a romantic.
35:17He's one of the soldiers in my story.
35:19He's set in a trench.
35:20Oh, I love a trench.
35:21He's a quiet type.
35:23Very stoic.
35:25Elegant.
35:27Like a gazelle.
35:28Quick on his feet.
35:29Sees me weeping.
35:31Miki!
35:32He sees Miki weeping.
35:34It's how the Germans pronounce Miki.
35:36He's another soldier in my story.
35:39Yeah.
35:40Miki is crying because he's coming over the top.
35:43Here's a surprise.
35:45Fun fact.
35:46You know, trenches were never dug in a straight line.
35:48It's like love.
35:50Because love is a winding road.
35:53He's very good, isn't he?
35:55I mean, his dad's a bit of a robot, but he's, he's, he's got something.
35:59Here, why don't you show those letters to Graham?
36:02Get his juices flowing.
36:03Hello, hello.
36:16All right?
36:18Right.
36:19Do I, er, not get a greeting?
36:21Well, for God's sake, what do you want?
36:23A curtsy?
36:24No, no, it's, it's just, you know.
36:26Oh!
36:28Can I not have a minute to meself?
36:30Come in the door and you're already starting.
36:32I'm not starting.
36:34Oh!
36:34What have I done?
36:37I think it's because you never write a love letters.
36:39What?
36:40Or cut a toast into hearts.
36:42You should do something romantic.
36:45Right, can we, can we not?
36:47You know, I've had a bit of a day.
36:49I'm only trying to give you an heads up.
36:51Mano to mano.
36:53What's for tea?
36:54Cheese and salad cream sandwich.
36:56Oh!
36:57It's just too hot.
36:58You could make dinner.
37:00You gotta keep the fires burning, Dad.
37:04We'd both been inspired.
37:07Dad had to whip up a feast.
37:08I had to whip up a plot.
37:10It all made sense to me now.
37:13Write what you know.
37:27Garnish.
37:52Are we gonna get yours, then?
37:53Oh, no.
37:55I haven't got the energy to make another one.
37:57PHONE RINGS
37:58So, what are you gonna buy with the winners?
38:02What?
38:03Oh, I don't know.
38:06I'm not really in.
38:07It's a Wally's voucher.
38:08The writing is its own reward.
38:10No, it's not.
38:11It's like pulling teeth.
38:13I think we're gonna get a Mr Frosty.
38:16Good morning, Eastern Lovell.
38:19Quiet!
38:21So, Mrs Wilworth?
38:23What?
38:25What?
38:25Well, Hull has read all your entries and she said that the standard is incredibly high and there can only be one winner.
38:38And this entry was deeply moving with a real relish of language and a precocious narrative confidence.
38:46So, let's announce the winner.
38:49Could...
38:52Alan Carr, please come up.
38:54Oh, yes!
38:55So, this was it.
39:00This was the beginning.
39:02Watch and weep, Eastern Lovell.
39:04Today, a Wally's voucher.
39:05Tomorrow, the booker.
39:07So, the process was excruciating.
39:09So what?
39:10You had to suffer for your art.
39:12And I, Alan Carr, was an artist!
39:15Shh!
39:15Well done, Alan.
39:17Now, Miss Gideon will read an extract.
39:19Miss Gideon.
39:19Clever Boy.
39:21Okay.
39:22Open Arms by Alan Graham Carr.
39:27George's long, live neck stuck high above the parapet.
39:32A gazelle in the firing line.
39:35His tousled, auburn curls adding an extra inch or two to his height.
39:41Forming a kind of halo which seemed to illuminate his face in the brutal dark.
39:47George thrashed into the sea.
39:49His muscular arms parting the water like Moses in fatigues.
39:54As Mickey's head slipped below the surface.
39:58That's like you and Jake in the pool.
40:00That was...
40:00George lunged through the surf.
40:03Mickey's body bucked.
40:05His nostril not only flared with war, but with chlorine.
40:10Chlorine?
40:11I think don't care.
40:12What would I write about Jake?
40:14It's fiction.
40:15Reality creeps in.
40:16Nothing creeps in.
40:18As Mickey's lungs, filled with water, George's opal eyes came into focus beneath the waves.
40:26Eyes, blue as the ocean.
40:29The mood ring on his outstretched pinky seemed to be mesmerising.
40:36Right, okay, I think that's enough.
40:38We all need to be getting to class, don't we?
40:40He surrendered his body to George.
40:46Is this the miracle Mickey needed?
40:49A hero?
40:50But it wasn't.
41:02He was dead.
41:04He had died.
41:05You drowned.
41:09Gosh, so sad.
41:11But poor Mickey, that's, that's, um...
41:14So, yes, that's the, the end.
41:15The end!
41:17She'd stopped the world from knowing I was gay and took that secret to her grave.
41:21Love you, Jackie.
41:21That's a joke, man.
41:23Mine was way better than that.
41:24Oi, zip it.
41:27Well done, Alan.
41:28You surprised us all now.
41:30Off you go, then.
41:33I couldn't see meself slaving over a hot biro, scraping a living as an author.
41:38I was a talker, a raconteur, a chatty man.
41:42But who was gonna pay me to do that job?
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