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00:00I browsed as a child, my quirks hadn't exactly gone under the radar.
00:03See you later, Landon.
00:05I was basically a box of broken biscuits, but I enjoy being on the wonky side.
00:11Until 1989.
00:15I'd grown a foot, dropped two octaves, and unbeknownst to me, was heading into a new era.
00:21A saucy one.
00:23So this was it. It was happening to little old me of all people.
00:27Lust, desire, passion, boobies.
00:34My libido had gone full throttle, so I loved popping into Athena.
00:38It was like woolies for perverts.
00:43All right, I thought women were a bit like olives.
00:46They'd turn your stomach at first, but if you persevere, you'd learn to love them.
00:50Oh, who was I kidding?
00:56I was there for Jake.
00:59Who needs a tennis player itching her bum when the cutest boy in school is tugging at your heartstrings?
01:04Oh, hello. You here again?
01:11It's a Saturday job. I've got to be here every Saturday.
01:15Er, I was just wondering, have you got that poster with that lady on the motorbike?
01:20Well, yeah. Cracking photo, though. Suzuki Katana.
01:23Well, I don't know her name, but lovely bag.
01:27Do you roll them, or do they come ready rolled in a plastic sheaf?
01:30Ready rolled.
01:36Oh, me and Mum love Cindy Louvre, huh?
01:38It's 3.80.
01:40Hm?
01:413.80.
01:47Keep the change.
01:51Oh, yeah, absolutely.
01:53Love a life about me.
01:54You do not want to be lost at sea without one of those boys.
01:57No, sorry.
01:58You're funny.
02:00Oh.
02:02See you Monday, then.
02:06Oh, God, I nearly ran off with this cane ring.
02:09Keep it.
02:11What?
02:11They won't even notice if you want it.
02:14Keep it.
02:20Oh, I'll go.
02:21Bye.
02:25That's gonna kill me.
02:27My dad was riding high and also looking for a man.
02:30Not like that, a midfielder.
02:32Graham!
02:34Hey, shush, shush, shush.
02:35He's on telly.
02:35Yeah, manager of the month again.
02:38You're gonna have a drink problem at this rate.
02:39Yeah, uh, chuffed to bits.
02:42We're obviously doing something right.
02:44Any transfers on the horizon?
02:46Anyone caught your eye?
02:47Uh, they have.
02:48I'm just waiting for this one to open his cheque book.
02:52Oh, yeah, it's open.
02:54It's, my pen is poised.
02:56It better be, because I need a midfielder sharpish.
02:58Don't put that on the TV.
03:00No, no.
03:01Yeah.
03:02I mean, do we do that photo?
03:03Come on.
03:05Here we are.
03:05Right, go ahead, guys.
03:07Come on, lads, come on!
03:11Come in here, it's bloody whiskey, not champagne, you idiot.
03:15Don't know it.
03:16Now, you're not.
03:27Woo-hoo!
03:30Ha!
03:39I'm telling Dad.
03:41No, you're not.
03:43Woo-hoo!
03:47Oh, was it?
03:49Yeah, great. Call me Flipper.
03:51Ha-ha-ha-ha.
03:53Mr Carl!
03:55What are you doing here?
03:57No, she's not. Off you go!
03:59Mr Carl!
04:01Glad I caught you.
04:03Miss Pearson.
04:05Dad loved sporty women.
04:07He only ever looked at a cleavage to see if there was a stopwatch there.
04:09Is everything all right?
04:11I don't know. Is it?
04:13Oh! No!
04:15This is Graham's. He won it.
04:17It's, er...
04:19Manager of the Month.
04:21Award.
04:23They're not wrong.
04:25Thank you very much. That's very kind of you.
04:27Are you all right, Alan?
04:29Yep.
04:30He had a great time, by all accounts.
04:32Oh, did he?
04:33Well, I don't know where, cos he never turned up for his swimming lesson.
04:35You what?
04:36Well, and?
04:37If it happens again, I'll have to give his place away.
04:39It won't.
04:40I'll throw him in meself.
04:41I am so sorry, Miss Pearson.
04:45Good stride.
04:47Where the bloody hell were you?
04:49I had a dicky tan.
04:51Not funny, Gavin.
04:53You smell lemonade?
04:55We all know I'm no fan of PE.
05:00Cry it out, lal. Get on with it.
05:02But when Jake was doing the picking, everything seemed bearable.
05:06Even team sports.
05:08All right. Alan.
05:10He picked me!
05:12I would have picked Simon meself.
05:16I won't let you down.
05:21Go get it.
05:23Let's do it.
05:26All right, Scrummagey!
05:27Come on!
05:33So, how was the rest of your weekend?
05:35We saw each other Saturday.
05:37What?
05:38He just came to the shop.
05:39What?
05:40Oh, some modern art.
05:41Oh, and a cairn.
05:42Well, I didn't have to buy the cairn,
05:43because Jake gave it to me.
05:45Gratis.
05:46Are you giving him free stuff?
05:47Yeah.
05:48Me?
05:49Yes, you did.
05:50You're buying him presents, Jay.
05:51It's not a big deal.
05:52I just said, you know, like, boss never cares.
05:55Oh, my God, you're flirting with Alan.
05:57Oh, shut up.
05:58He probably fancies you.
05:59No, I don't.
06:00Who's looking at tits?
06:01You know the posters.
06:02No, I'm not a caveman.
06:04I don't just look at the tits, I look at the whole lady.
06:08Sure, sure.
06:09Who do you fancy, then?
06:10Yeah, come on, Alan.
06:11Who's the unlucky lady?
06:12Why is this taking so long?
06:13Yeah, come on, Alan.
06:14Georgie.
06:15Oh, Georgie.
06:16Oh, Georgie.
06:17What do you like about her?
06:18Her name, because it sounded like her boys.
06:19Well, she's formidable.
06:20Well, you, buddy, should ask her out.
06:21Yeah, ask her out.
06:22Why not?
06:23I'm coming for you.
06:24Lucky old Georgie.
06:25What are you doing?
06:26What are you doing?
06:27Comparing persons?
06:28Come on, crack on, lads.
06:29Come on.
06:30So, when you're asking her out, Alan?
06:31Oh, elderly.
06:32Cat, what are you staring at?
06:34Come on, Alan.
06:35Come on, Alan.
06:36Saturday meant another swimming lesson, and after a finagate, my mum was watching me like
07:01a hawk.
07:02Right, I want to see you back here in an hour.
07:04Right, go on.
07:05I want to see you going.
07:06Come on.
07:08Go on.
07:10Have fun.
07:14Hmm.
07:15Don't trust them.
07:19Where's your trance?
07:20I didn't bring them.
07:22I'll come for you.
07:23You can come for me.
07:30You're where in there?
07:31Look at a real cowlick if I don't.
07:32Right.
07:33Not that when you're done.
07:34Oh, it's gone.
07:40I don't know what was more humiliating, being forced to do a swimming lesson because your
07:44dad fancied the teacher, or that your classmates were six.
07:48Um..
07:49it's gonna be a nice job.
07:50It's not the same anyway.
07:51Oh, it's gonna be a cross.
07:52Yeah.
07:53I don't know.
07:54Oh, it's not the same.
07:56Oh, my man.
07:57Oh, my goodness.
07:58Yeah.
07:59Good luck, Alan, you gotta go.
08:00I'm in. I'm in. I'll smash a bottle of shampas on me.
08:11Good start, Alan, but you're flapping needlessly.
08:14Your feet can't touch the bottom.
08:15Stop splashing. You're scaring the others.
08:18Just swim. It's not that hard.
08:20The only thing tighter than my swim cap was Ron's wallet.
08:24The cobblers needed a midfielder fast, and he was treading water.
08:29Yes.
08:30Yeah, well, let me have a few chats this evening, OK?
08:35Hang on, Martin.
08:37Paperwork for Bodley.
08:39Sale done. That's 19k in our pocket.
08:41Up the offer for Thomas.
08:42Well, we can't offer the full 19.
08:44I mean, got to hold the bit back, Graham.
08:47I've got gaps to plug.
08:49Gaps to plug?
08:49I've got a gaping hole in midfield.
08:51Yeah, but 19k, we can't.
08:53Oh, trust me, Ron, he's worth every penny of it.
08:56Oh, we need this.
08:57I heard he's got dodgy knees.
09:00Big time.
09:01Hear him click from the stands.
09:03Look.
09:04Sorry, Martin.
09:06Yeah.
09:07Yeah, we'd like to offer...
09:0819k.
09:17Black coffee, please.
09:20Sorry, I'm Graham Carr's wife.
09:23Oh, yeah.
09:24Yes, I am.
09:25I've seen you in the papers.
09:27It's amazing.
09:28He's amazing.
09:30Yeah, thank you.
09:31I've had a good run of it, aren't we?
09:33He's at the ground now.
09:35Big day.
09:37Buying.
09:39Selling.
09:40Transferring this, transferring that.
09:42Buying bits and bobs.
09:44Yeah, big.
09:45Big.
09:46There's a lot of buying and selling going on.
09:48I couldn't get your autograph, could I?
09:52Oh, God, no.
09:55Really?
09:56Oh, you don't want mine?
09:59Who should I make it out to?
10:00Wendy.
10:01Wendy.
10:03She just did her usual signature,
10:06but from that point on,
10:07she took to making the A of car
10:09into a little football.
10:11That's a little football.
10:13Thank you, Wendy.
10:17£1.30, please.
10:21A little biscuit.
10:26I'm sorry, what was your name?
10:28Becky.
10:29Thank you, Becky.
10:36Frothy coffee, please.
10:43Oh, this should have called by now.
10:53It's a yes, surely.
10:5419k?
10:55Fancy a tea?
10:56Oh, fancy a tea.
10:59Joy!
11:03Yeah, nice go back.
11:06Joy!
11:06Joy!
11:13Hello, stranger.
11:21Dr. Almighty, Ange.
11:23Let's get you a napkin.
11:24Sorry, she's had a little spillage.
11:26Those shades are too big for your face.
11:28Another one?
11:29No, I'll go.
11:31They, um...
11:32sort of know me, yeah.
11:34No, regular haunt, is he?
11:36No, they recognise me.
11:38Because of Graham,
11:39all the press nonsense.
11:41I'm still getting used to it.
11:43All right.
11:44I'm not going to believe this.
11:47Woman just asked me for me autograph.
11:51I don't believe it, no.
11:53I'll go.
11:54She gave me a free biscuit
11:55when she clocked who I was.
11:56Oh, Christine, bless you.
11:58No, they give everyone a little biscuit.
11:59Yeah, but I didn't pay for it.
12:01Nobody pays for the little biscuit.
12:03Yeah, but she did a sort of cheeky smile
12:05when she put it on.
12:05People tend to do a cheeky smile
12:07when there's a biscuit around, Christine.
12:08No.
12:09It was definite...
12:09Let's see, shall we?
12:12Martin?
12:18Knocked 9k off that.
12:19We've crunched the numbers again.
12:2110k is top whack.
12:23I know, I know,
12:24but think about it.
12:26No.
12:27Martin.
12:30Wash your mouth out.
12:32I need you to phone that phone
12:37from this phone.
12:41What phone?
12:42That phone.
12:43Boardroom phone.
12:44Can't I just call it from my office phone?
12:47Hmm.
12:47Then it would be an internal ring.
12:49We need it to be an external ring.
12:55Right.
12:56Right.
12:57But it is internal,
12:59because it's me.
13:00But it's not you, is it?
13:04Just phone that bloody phone
13:06from this bloody phone, please, Joy.
13:08And what do I say?
13:09Nothing!
13:10He's on his way.
13:17A doggy paddle's not the most efficient stroke, Alan.
13:20If it's good math or a laptop.
13:21Nice arm arm.
13:27Oi, Alan.
13:28Where's your armband?
13:31Nice swimming cap.
13:32Why are you in the pissy pool with the toddlers?
13:35Excuse me.
13:36This is a private lesson.
13:37A private lesson that I'm helping Miss Pearson with
13:40as a teaching assistant.
13:42Yeah, that's it.
13:43Alan.
13:45What did I say, Peter,
13:46about kicking those legs?
13:48No, Joanne, push through the water.
13:51Now, for the love of God,
13:53not good enough.
13:54Alan.
13:54Really cute, isn't it?
13:56The Little Mermaid's trying to get a five-meter badge.
13:58Nice one.
14:00Alan, get back here!
14:01Yeah, I'm just going on the break.
14:03Miss Pearson, can you help me?
14:05Oh, come on.
14:06Joanne!
14:06Hey.
14:07Oh, my God.
14:07What are you doing here?
14:08Is it Saturday?
14:09Oh, er, I got the sack.
14:11What? Why?
14:12Couldn't we give the stuff away?
14:14Oh, the key ring.
14:15We're so mad.
14:15No, it's not.
14:16It wasn't that.
14:18My mum paid with a tenner
14:19and I gave her 20 change.
14:22Oh, she ain't gravel, you devil.
14:25See you in there.
14:28You're perving on Jane.
14:44Well, no.
14:45Because your girlfriend's here.
14:47Georgie.
14:49How is she?
14:50You can ask her out.
14:52Right, I'll go.
14:53Bye-bye.
14:55Ask her out.
14:58Alan thinks you're hot, Georgie.
15:00Isn't that right, Alan?
15:02Guilty as charged.
15:05And Maz, everyone thinks you're hot too.
15:07Yeah, I know.
15:08God, yeah.
15:10It's like being in a suit with two sexy protons.
15:14What's a proton?
15:14Why, when you were feeling so self-conscious,
15:17would you pop on a pair of trunks
15:18and bob along half-naked in a giant bath
15:21hoping that someone, anyone, would find you attractive?
15:26No heavy petting.
15:28You what?
15:28You heard.
15:29So just to clarify, the little biscuits, they're free.
15:32They're free, yep.
15:33For everyone.
15:35Yep.
15:35Not just the wives of third division football managers.
15:38What?
15:39Thought not.
15:40Thank you, sir.
15:42What's your name?
15:42Becky.
15:43Thank you, Becky.
15:45You've been very helpful.
15:56Hello?
15:57Hello?
15:57No!
15:58Hello, Martin!
16:01Have you?
16:03Oh, no.
16:05Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
16:07That's a shame.
16:10Thanks for letting us know.
16:12Yeah.
16:16They got a better offer.
16:17A 19K?
16:19Mm!
16:20You're joking.
16:21I wish I was.
16:22I really wish I was.
16:24Greedy buggers.
16:26I don't believe that.
16:34Thanks for that.
16:36I must have just left it.
16:38Any chance of that tea?
16:39Yeah.
16:41Get a wiggle on, Joy.
16:46Oh, Georgie.
16:48Mona.
16:48Georgie.
16:53Oh, backstroke.
16:55I'd like to stroke your back.
17:00Feet bends.
17:01Bend!
17:02Stroke your back.
17:03Stroke your arse more like.
17:04You don't have to try so hard, don't you?
17:09Yes, I do.
17:11Maybe you don't.
17:12You're charming, popular, debonair.
17:14Better at this stuff.
17:15You coming to the deep end, Alan, or what?
17:18No, yeah.
17:19You'd probably just stay with the little uns.
17:21Keep up with your croutons, Alan.
17:22Shut up, Mandy.
17:23He's not allowed in the deep end.
17:25Ew.
17:26Leave him.
17:27He's meant to be teaching.
17:29Give me him.
17:29No.
17:31No.
17:31See ya!
17:34My glasses.
17:35I can't see.
17:36My glasses were just there, like Harold Bishop's were when he drowned in neighbours.
17:47Stop with the wane.
17:48Stop with the wane.
17:49Make your way over the squash court one, please.
17:51Squash court one, thank you.
17:55We always say we should do coffee, don't we?
17:57I think I'm going to go and watch Alan for a bit.
18:06Okay.
18:07I'll come have a squeeze.
18:09Thank you, Becky.
18:09Thank you, Becky.
18:10Thank you, Becky.
18:27He's done my glasses in.
18:30Well, go get him, then.
18:38Good morning.
18:39Why are you just standing there?
18:42I'm just working out my angle of entrance.
18:45Jump in, man.
18:46What are you doing?
18:47He can't swim.
18:49How was that climb?
18:50Prove it, then.
18:51Oh, don't, Leslie.
18:53Alan, get back in the baby pool.
18:57Jump in, Alan, get back in the baby pool.
18:59Get it.
19:01Alan, get in the baby pool.
19:02Alan, go, go, go, swim.
19:04You're scared.
19:07Jump in, Alan.
19:08Jump in, Alan.
19:09This is crashing.
19:11Jump in, jump in, jump in, jump in, jump in, jump in.
19:19Go, go!
19:21There's a poo in the poo.
19:26There's a poo in the poo.
19:28Evacuate the poo, everyone else!
19:33Please evacuate the poo.
19:37Please make your way back to the changing rooms, thank you.
19:40Shame about your glasses, mate.
19:45Oh, my God!
19:47Elk in!
19:48Someone Elk in!
19:49Come on, Elk in!
19:49I couldn't help thinking these swimming lessons had been a waste of money.
19:59But drowning was preferable to romance in a girl.
20:01Where's Jake?
20:07Where's Alan?
20:10I just died on your arms tonight.
20:13It must have been something you said.
20:17I just died on your arms tonight.
20:20What?
20:20What?
20:21What's wrong with your glasses?
20:22Oh, was it?
20:27Well, er...
20:28Thanks for asking.
20:30We lost Roberts.
20:32We nearly lost Alan.
20:33What?
20:33What's wrong with your glasses?
20:35What's wrong with your glasses?
20:36Oh, they got wesh in a suction pack.
20:39So I couldn't swim.
20:40Who cares?
20:41I'd swallowed a floating plaster.
20:43So what?
20:44I was heading home with a lung filled with chlorine
20:47and a heart full of love.
20:50Maybe I should try drowning more often.
20:53Why's your hair dry?
20:58Tiki Tom?
21:03So, I was Miss Pearson.
21:06Mentioned me.
21:11Let me take you to a place I know you want to go.
21:14It's a good life.
21:15Yes, that's the one.
21:19Alan?
21:20You nearly ready?
21:21Mum, do you think I should take me jazz shoes?
21:24You're only going tonight, love.
21:26You couldn't get away with a jazz shoe in Northampton.
21:29Believe me, I've tried.
21:31This town was cramping my style.
21:33I needed somewhere bigger, somewhere brighter,
21:36somewhere I could blend in.
21:38I needed London, Gary.
21:40You can't wear a show suit.
21:42You could run into a man of oil.
21:44Go!
21:44Get changed.
21:46Mum and Dad had a work meeting in town,
21:48so we were staying with Auntie Terry,
21:50a hop, skip and a jump from London's glittering West End.
21:55Are you sure she's up to this?
21:57Of course.
21:58Oh, you're not still on a bet last time.
22:00She took him to the dogs and lost him.
22:02How I got stuck in that kennel, I'll never know.
22:05But this time I've come prepared.
22:07Got me cockany rhyming slang.
22:09Oh, love, no one talks like that anymore.
22:11What a load of old pony.
22:13You must be going matting.
22:17You've got to keep me wits about you down London town.
22:19Val got mugged outside in Aberdeen Angers.
22:21She didn't even realise.
22:23Are that southerners for you?
22:24A god-awful place.
22:26Gangster-loving, ale-eating...
22:29Oi!
22:29I'm a sevener.
22:30Let me finish...
22:32..with the most beautiful women in the country.
22:35And I'm including your mum in that.
22:38Charming.
22:39He who tires of London...
22:41Tires of pain.
22:42£1.20 for a bite.
22:44They're taking the mick.
22:46Right, let's go.
22:47Everyone in the corps.
22:49I'll be seeing you shortly, George.
22:52Wait till I tell Kate, I've been to...
22:55Barney!
22:55Oh, a hop, skip and quite a long jump from London.
22:59Splittering West End, then.
23:01Four-hour round-trip.
23:02I don't even know what this bloke wants.
23:04He's probably trying to poach Alfie for Stoke.
23:06Oh, sharks, these agents.
23:08Oh, Graham, put a sock in it.
23:09You're being wined and dined.
23:10Oh, I'd love to be wined and dined.
23:13Oh, shit.
23:15Alfie's not even scored all season.
23:16Dad!
23:17You're in the cultural captain of the world, OK?
23:19Stop talking about football.
23:22Oh, my God, is that Gloria Hannaford?
23:24It's Gloria Hannaford.
23:26No, it is.
23:27I think it is.
23:28Gloria Hannaford.
23:30No.
23:31Yeah, it's not.
23:33You're never more than six foot away from a celeb in London.
23:36We're only just off the M1, for Christ's sake.
23:38And it's rats, not celebrities.
23:40One and the same, darling.
23:42Oh, you're early.
23:44We're 20 minutes late.
23:46Oh.
23:46Thanks for this, Terry.
23:47Appreciate it.
23:48Oh, please.
23:49You know I love him.
23:52Oh.
23:54Them.
23:55I love them both, because there's two of them, isn't there?
23:58Yeah.
23:59Right, so Gary's inhalers in his rucksack.
24:01Oh, go on.
24:02I'll have a quick puff.
24:03Oh, we're going to have fun, aren't we, eh?
24:07The three musketeers.
24:08All for one and all for...
24:12One.
24:13Yeah.
24:13So you've got Graham's mobile number.
24:15I'm not phoning a mobile.
24:17No, but if you need it.
24:18No, they're not safe, Chris.
24:19Might as well stick you in the microwave.
24:21Yeah, I'm not sure that's...
24:23No, no, no, sorry.
24:23You think about it.
24:24You've got a normal phone.
24:26The waves, they're travelling up the cord.
24:28They get stuck, trapped in the cord.
24:31You've got no cord.
24:32Those waves are going straight into your brain.
24:36Oh, well, yeah, you can always phone the restaurant.
24:38Alan's got the details.
24:39Imperial China Piccadilly Circus.
24:41What are you going with again?
24:42I'm just some football agent.
24:44Oh, wind and dined.
24:48Mm, yeah.
24:49Right, come on then.
24:51The eighth.
24:52Okay.
24:55Look after him.
24:57All right.
24:59Bye, bye, boys.
25:03My auntie Terry was the naughty to my mum's nice.
25:07Right then.
25:08An ashtray half full kind of girl.
25:10Oh, this is nice.
25:13What do you fancy doing?
25:15Well, so, we're going to go.
25:17Oh, hello, Mr. Wolf.
25:24Boo!
25:27Boo!
25:28Oh, you don't want to boo anymore.
25:32He used to love a bit of boo.
25:33He's dead.
25:35Oh, timeless boo, innit?
25:36Oh, I've got one.
25:39Bet he can't find my fags in ten seconds.
25:43Go.
25:43No, cos we were thinking that maybe we could go up to the West End.
25:47See the mouse trap.
25:48Oh, oh, up the East End.
25:50White Chapel, cos they do a Jack the Ripper tour.
25:52Oh!
25:52Hey, I win!
25:53We can just do that round here, can't we?
25:58No, because I think that you need to go where he actually did the murders, otherwise you
26:02are just having a walk.
26:04What about a film?
26:07Have you seen Pretty Woman?
26:09Before you start, it is not about me.
26:11Oh, yeah, I've wanted to say that.
26:15I was going to ask Jake if he wanted to go with me, Jake's boy in my class.
26:18I think that he was a little bit put off by the poster.
26:21He said, why would a prostitute be wearing waders?
26:24Yeah, hooker boots, Ellen.
26:26Oh!
26:27And he goes to the big Odeon.
26:28In Leicester Square, the seats are meant to be massive.
26:32We don't need to go out.
26:34Hey, VHS.
26:36My mate, Wes, got me a knock-off copy.
26:38That's piracy, that's illegal.
26:40If you hear any police sirens, right, just duck down behind the sofa, all right?
26:48You're good!
26:50I'm joking!
26:52I'm joking!
26:56Sorry to drag you into town.
26:57Ah, no, not at all.
26:59It's our pleasure.
27:00Much to discuss, but I'll be buggered if I'm coming to Northampton.
27:06Food's fantastic here.
27:07Oh, I bet.
27:10It's lovely.
27:12Lovely lanterns.
27:15Oh, yeah.
27:16Yeah, all right.
27:17Um, I'll order for the table, shall I?
27:19I know my way around the menu.
27:20Oh, I think we all do, don't we?
27:2236, couple of 22s, port balls and a pancake roll.
27:24Yeah, it's a little bit more authentic here, so...
27:28Right, you go ahead, then.
27:31Do you like the sweet and sour balls, though, don't you, Graham?
27:33I can live with other balls.
27:35I will follow your lead.
27:36Smart man.
27:38Jesus Christ.
27:39Um, you took your time.
27:41Right, um...
27:41Sorry, um, is it true that Diana ain't here?
27:44It is, yes.
27:45Oh.
27:46Don't you?
27:47Oh, very exciting, isn't it?
27:49Oh.
27:50Has Ken got any lobsters in?
27:52The Chinese restaurant might have been the real deal.
27:55This VHS clearly wasn't.
27:57Gary!
28:01Gary, we're not fitting in.
28:03Sit up.
28:03Sit.
28:04Ah, here we go, boys.
28:05Couple of Coke floats.
28:09Oh, it's good, isn't it?
28:12When's dinner?
28:13We'll grab a bite to eat when we're out.
28:15We should get going, really.
28:17Big Ben's ticking away.
28:19No, no, no, I've got it all planned.
28:20Your dinner.
28:21Yeah!
28:23Yeah.
28:25Cousin.
28:28Honestly, Terry, just chucks a banana on the way.
28:31I can't be bothered with dinner after time.
28:33Just have a bit of Philadelphia on a Weetabix.
28:36Don't go to any trouble on our account.
28:38Just grab something up west once we get going.
28:41She can curry, all right?
28:44Mum usually makes it from scratch.
28:46I haven't got the time to be pissing about with an onion, Alan.
28:49I do have a life.
28:52So, tube or cab, which one we get in?
28:55I bought a soft shoe for the palace, out of respect.
28:58Cab?
28:59Well, it says 180 here, but I reckon just to grill it, it'd be so much quicker, won't it?
29:05I've never seen London before.
29:07You're in London now, Alan.
29:09Greater London.
29:10They call it that, because it's better than the middle bit.
29:12Oh, excuse me, won't be a sec.
29:14Keep an eye on that curry, Alan.
29:16Hi.
29:17Oh, hello, you.
29:21No.
29:22No, I'm not.
29:24Come on, don't do it.
29:26I've got my sister's boys.
29:28Stop it.
29:32All right.
29:34All right.
29:35You said you want to go out.
29:38We're going to go out.
29:41Gary, grab your rucksack.
29:43We're off to London Town.
29:51Terry's local was more Dead End than West End, but at least it was half a mile in the right direction.
29:58All right, Wes.
29:59All right, Terry.
30:00These are my nephews, Alan, Gary.
30:03All right, lads.
30:04Well, Tim, we've got one, boys.
30:05A little, please.
30:06And some bacon crispies.
30:07On the tab.
30:08We're not stopping.
30:09Edna West.
30:11Gavin will have that, and then we'll be off, yeah?
30:13Hi, darling.
30:16Ladies!
30:17Yay!
30:20You do a 3-3-2, right?
30:22You have Johnson at the back, Freeman up front.
30:24It's a no-brainer.
30:25Yeah.
30:25So, do you live nearby?
30:27Kensington.
30:28Oh.
30:28That's a lovely big ass.
30:31Freezing.
30:31Four floors.
30:32Extortionate to eat.
30:33Yeah, well, we're double glazed throughout, so that does help.
30:38Sorry.
30:39I feel like he's listening.
30:41I think it's the eyes.
30:43We eat a lot of fish.
30:44Oh, yeah, so do we.
30:45They just tend to take the eyes out before they put them in breadcrumbs.
30:49Chengdu region.
30:50Hmm?
30:51Chengdu region.
30:52The chef is incredible with seafood.
30:54You got a decent Chinese, don't you?
30:56Oh, yeah.
30:57You got a really good one.
30:57They do fish and chips and all, don't they, Graham?
31:00Mm.
31:00Well, it's good for the kids.
31:03Um, can we get a couple of forks here?
31:05I don't think chopsticks have made it to Northampton yet.
31:08I suppose you need a bogeable thumbs to use them.
31:10Ha, ha, ha, ha.
31:12Yeah, well, those thumbs have got them to the top of the league.
31:16And it's been noted.
31:18It's been noted.
31:19It's been noted.
31:22Aunt Terri, we can kiss goodbye to the mousetrap.
31:26The curtain's gone up.
31:27Sorry.
31:28Oh, you must be hungry.
31:30Get yourself a bag of crisps.
31:32Or me.
31:32I can have crisps at home.
31:34I want to see a BP to a close range.
31:36Just a furry hat, Alan.
31:38I've just got to stay just for a little bit, yeah?
31:41Why don't you have a throw, yeah?
31:44Go on.
31:45Go on, have a throw.
31:47For me.
31:50Right, can we go now?
31:53You're standing wrong.
31:54Oh.
31:55You show him.
32:03White and mild.
32:04And a bottle of white.
32:06The cheapest one.
32:07Yeah.
32:10You must be Gary.
32:15Fantastic.
32:17Your Aunty Terri.
32:18Real special lady, yeah?
32:21Here you go, my love.
32:23Try that.
32:25Shelley, I'm a minus 4.5.
32:28I think it's holding you back.
32:30Clear the board, Lance!
32:34Mmm.
32:36What about that?
32:37Yes, better.
32:38From, uh, Uncle Mick.
32:42Oh, sweet!
32:45Who's Uncle Mick?
32:46We don't have an Uncle Mick.
32:47We might have one day.
32:48If I play my cards right.
32:52Well, hopefully, Uncle's come to drive us up west.
32:56Load of cash in it.
32:58Well, I should know.
32:59I'm making it.
33:00She's spending it, but I'm making it.
33:04It's always the way, eh, girlies?
33:05Oh, no.
33:06No, thank you.
33:06Not for me.
33:08I've got a bit of a headache, actually.
33:11Graham?
33:12What?
33:13I've got a bit of a headache.
33:14Right.
33:14I'll drink some water.
33:18Excuse me.
33:21I'm going for a cigarette.
33:22All right, love.
33:23All right.
33:23All right.
33:23Want another beer?
33:30Jack the Ripper who?
33:31Maybe I didn't need to go traipsing around Whitechapel listening to someone witter on about disembowelling.
33:38I'd discover darts.
33:43These arrows had given me life.
33:46I was starting to feel optimistic.
33:50Whereas Mick was feeling Becky with the bad hair's arse.
33:55Look, no hands.
33:56All right, Mr. Ruck, go first.
33:57I've missed chatting to you.
34:06What are you doing?
34:06Sit down.
34:07It's my fault I've been glued to that hockey all night.
34:10Oh, making yourself at home for nights.
34:13Hey, he's come all this way to see me practice my darts.
34:18That's the thing about Mick.
34:20It takes an interest in my interests.
34:23Yeah.
34:24What happened to Greg?
34:26I liked him.
34:27Married.
34:29Oh, Terry.
34:31You watch Dynasty.
34:32You should know that they never, ever, ever leave the wife.
34:36But they give the old spiel, don't they?
34:39She doesn't understand me.
34:40It's different with you.
34:42And the next thing it's, I've got ringworm, Terry.
34:44I can't leave the house.
34:46Most men are bastards, Alan.
34:48I mean, not you, obviously.
34:51You're a sweetheart.
34:52And your dad, you know, your dad's...
34:55Oh, right.
34:56I mean, oh, my God, he's boring.
34:58He was talking to me about the transfer window.
35:01I said, Graham, I'm going to stick my head through the window in a minute.
35:05So, wait.
35:06When you get a good one, Alan,
35:08make sure you hold on to him.
35:09Oh, Terry.
35:17He was grabbing that woman's bum while you were in the loo.
35:22The shark wasn't her bum, Alan.
35:24She's very thin.
35:26It's probably her elbow.
35:27He doesn't care about your doubts, Terry.
35:29Oh, he's probably out of my league anyway.
35:36I mean, look at him.
35:38He's using a coaster as a toothpick.
35:42Terry, no.
35:43Look at me.
35:44Look at me.
35:45You are a strong, independent, beautiful woman.
35:49Stop it.
35:51I mean, Mum would kill for that kind of volume in her fringe.
35:54And I know she thinks you're a nightmare,
35:56but that's just because of your pizzazz.
35:59That's why you live in London.
36:01Well, greater London.
36:04We're not going, are we?
36:06To the West End.
36:08It's a bus and free tubes, Alan.
36:10It's fine.
36:11I'm going to live in London when I'm older.
36:13Be out on the town every night.
36:15Better believe it, kid.
36:17You'll be licking champagne off a chandelier
36:18with a cast of hollyhoaks before you know it.
36:22Anyway, I can't leave now, can I?
36:24I've got 86 and free throws to go.
36:27I'm sorry, darling.
36:28You have had fun, haven't you?
36:32Yes!
36:36Something stronger?
36:37You trying to get me drunk?
36:40Come on.
36:41Out with it.
36:42Who are you after?
36:44You don't go throwing chicken chow mein at a man for nothing.
36:47Is it Alfie?
36:49Who wants him?
36:51Stoke?
36:52Barnsley?
36:53Stoke City.
36:54Oh.
36:55But they don't want Alfie.
36:57They want you.
37:00What?
37:00It's a big offer, Graham.
37:01They're not mucking about.
37:03Been eyeing you up for a while.
37:05They're going in for the kiss.
37:07They want to talk.
37:08I can make it happen for you.
37:09Just a phone call.
37:10It would be my pleasure.
37:12I think you'd be mad not to jump at it.
37:15Cobblers were small fry.
37:17But this?
37:18This could change everything for you, Graham.
37:20And the family.
37:21And I'll only take 20%.
37:23Are you sure I can't tempt you?
37:26Eh?
37:28Yeah.
37:29Go on.
37:30Oi!
37:31Two sarkies!
37:34The needle.
37:35The sweating.
37:37The urge to get it in the right spot.
37:39It was like that time I OD'd on a Zen pick.
37:44You're lonely over there.
37:46Busy, Mick.
37:47We were going to have a good time.
37:49You're having a very good time by the looks of it.
37:52Oh, come here.
37:53She said she's busy.
37:55Ooh, Kenneth Williams to the rescue.
37:57Oh, leave it out, Mick.
37:59Yeah, she's right.
38:01You don't want to be causing no...
38:03Barney Rubble.
38:05It's time we called you...
38:07a Sherbert Dab.
38:09I think.
38:11Is it now?
38:12Er, can you give me space?
38:14I'm trying to hit a triple top.
38:16Enough, Mick.
38:17Don't you turn your back on me.
38:18You little puff.
38:21Ow!
38:23You did that deliberately!
38:25No, I didn't.
38:26It was an accident.
38:28Sling your rope, Wes.
38:30Wes, chuck him out.
38:32He stabbed me!
38:33He threatened my nephew.
38:36What's he even doing in here, eh?
38:38He's only 12.
38:3913 and a half, actually.
38:42I am fuzzies!
38:45Oh, my God, Alan!
38:47It's going right in the BCG!
38:52Oh, it's Mrs Carr.
38:52Terry has left a message for you.
38:55Oh, God.
38:56She said, could you please come back?
38:58Jesus, it's only half past nine.
39:00Er, they're at the king's arms.
39:03I'm going to kill her.
39:03I've tried before, but I'm going to do it this time.
39:05Graeme, we need to leave.
39:07Surely not.
39:08Drink round hours first.
39:09I insist.
39:09You can follow the jag.
39:10Look, we get it.
39:11You drive the flash car and you eat fish with the eyes in.
39:14Well done, you.
39:15Bye, love.
39:16Gwen.
39:21I can't leave.
39:23I mean, I'm leaving the restaurant, but, er...
39:26I can't leave the club.
39:29I appreciate the offer, but, um...
39:31The money would be nice, but, um...
39:35I won't let my players down.
39:38Or the club.
39:40Or Ron.
39:40We've been through a lot to get where we are, but, um...
39:45Yeah, there's more left to do.
39:47Nice to meet you.
39:48Look, if you change your mind, you know where to find me, all right?
39:52I won't.
39:54Come on, kids.
39:57Come on, kids.
39:58Terry, why are they in a pub?
40:08I love both.
40:09See, he loved sport.
40:11It's not sport, it's a hobby.
40:13What was that?
40:14Eh, nothing.
40:16To think of all those times in PE when I had to run around a field in sub-zero temperatures
40:20and I could have been in dolls in the world.
40:22OK, so I hadn't seen a beefeater or a single pearly queen,
40:26but I had seen life.
40:28And let's be honest, I could have stayed in Northampton
40:30to spend the night in a manky pub watching drunks play darts,
40:34but being down here with my favourite aunt made me feel hopeful somehow.
40:39Well, what was the problem then?
40:41Nothing.
40:42I just thought you might want to see him.
40:45He is fantastic, Graeme.
40:47I hope you know how fantastic he is.
40:48And I thought, now that you're a football wife and all that,
40:52Chris, that you could do with the excuse of getting away from that boring chit-chit.
40:57Oh, transfer window.
40:59I need to throw myself out the bloody window.
41:01I said that!
41:02Oh, what are big sisters for, eh?
41:06Oh.
41:08Where's Gary?
41:10Gary?
41:11Oh, there's two of them, aren't there?
41:14Oh.
41:20I reckon if I knuckle down, I could play professionally.
41:24For you.
41:26From the gentleman.
41:27What?
41:28The little one.
41:29They're the frequency.
41:30Thank you, my darling.
41:35Well, at least they've had a good night.
41:38It was nice to get out of Northampton, wasn't it?
41:41You know, change of scenery.
41:43No, I'm sorry.
41:44London is overrated.
41:45Oh, no.
41:46Oh, it's a stupid man.
41:47What?
41:48Oh, the imagination on him.
41:50I think he's overtired.
41:52Oh, me and all.
41:54Right, take us back home.
41:56Back to Northampton.
41:58To Northampton.
42:00To Northampton.
42:01To Northampton.
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