00:00Hello, hello.
00:06America woke up this morning to the shock revelation that Frank Sinatra isn't famous.
00:11The singer issued a written statement admitting that he has never been well-known
00:15and had only achieved the illusion of fame with a complex system of pulleys, screens and two-way mirrors.
00:21Mr Sinatra has agreed to dismantle his stardom in a phased operation
00:24and is expected to be utterly unheard of within a fortnight.
00:30In the day-to-day MaxiCast, the horned schoolboy who's been banned from maths.
00:36Sent him off to school, first day, and they came back.
00:39They stayed at school.
00:40They said, go home and don't bother coming back ever again.
00:44Don't come back.
00:45Don't come back.
00:46And people describe how they left their own bodies as near-deadness set in.
00:53My friends Anna and Dave had a party in Chiswick, and I couldn't believe it.
00:58I was having a heart attack.
01:02And I was rushed to hospital, put in intensive care.
01:09At this point, I was actually unconscious.
01:12They defibrillated me up to 200 joules, which is a hell of a lot.
01:17But my heart still wouldn't start.
01:21It was then that I could actually feel myself leaving my own body.
01:27Time to have a sport with Alan Partridge.
01:29Alan, what do you think happens to you when you die?
01:31Um, well, certainly buried, or I imagine in the old furnace, isn't it?
01:38All right, so what if you're buried at sea?
01:41You're, well, you don't drown.
01:43Sink, you sink.
01:45Do you think you go up and down in the water, or just down?
01:47Well, I imagine you, with the gases in your body, you probably rise and fall a few times.
01:52How many times?
01:54Half a dozen.
01:55Where are you getting this from, Alan?
01:57Half a dozen times up and down in the water.
01:59You're a bit of an expert about this, suddenly.
02:02No, it's just that when you die, you don't want to go into detail, but your body sort of ferments.
02:06You know you have a carton of orange.
02:09You leave it for a while in a warm place.
02:11It sort of expands with the gases, and it's sort of a bit like that.
02:15How much orange is there in a dead body?
02:18Half a cup.
02:19Half a cup of orange inside a dead body?
02:21Yeah.
02:21You sure?
02:22Yeah, yeah.
02:22All right, Alan, carry on. I just want you to think about that as you're doing this.
02:26I'm Alan Partridge, and this is Golfing Action.
02:31Seve Ballesteros.
02:33The bullfighter, that's what I call him.
02:35No, technically he's a professional golfer.
02:39A friend of mine said recently,
02:40What do you get if you cross a ballerina and a bastard?
02:44Ballesteros was his answer.
02:46I guess you analyse it that Seve combines the qualities of both those animals.
02:51He has the lithe sophistication and nimbleness of a ballerina,
02:57combined with the hard-nosed, ruthless thuggery of a bastard.
03:01The bullfighter, the bullfighter, the bullfighter, the bullfighter, the bullfighter, the bullfighter, the bullfighter, the bullfighter, the bullfighter, the bullfighter, the bullfighter, the bullfighter, the bullfighter, the bullfighter, the bullfighter, the bullfighter, the bullfighter, the bullfighter, the bullfighter, the bullfighter, the bullfighter, the bullfighter, the bullfighter, the bullfighter, the bullfighter, the bullfighter, the bullfighter, the bullfighter, the bullfighter, the bullfighter, the bullfighter, the bullfighter, the bullfighter, the bullfighter, the bullfighter, the bullfighter, the bullfighter, the bullfighter, the bullfighter, the bullfighter, the bullfighter, the bullfighter, the bullfighter, the bullfighter, the
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