- 2 days ago
In the second show of a two-part special, Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May are battling across Namibia in a quest to prove that beach buggies are brilliant. Having survived the challenges of the desert, the trio must now brace themselves for even greater hardship involving rough roads, camping, rhino conservation and a rather unusual river crossing.
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MotorTranscript
00:00MUSIC
00:20Since you're in beach buggies, you will now drive to the beach
00:24at the northernmost point of Namibia, where it meets Angola.
00:28It's a thousand miles away.
00:30We have got to find this road.
00:32This is not going to be too clever in the dark.
00:36Listen, I shall find the Southern Cross.
00:40Oh, this is a bad idea.
00:42We are now trusting our lives to an orangutan who thinks he's Patrick Moore.
00:4624 hours of cold misery to achieve exactly nothing.
00:52I mean, it is exactly nothing.
00:56Ah, it's coming in.
00:58Oh!
01:00This is the best desert I've ever been to.
01:03Holy shit!
01:05Oh!
01:07Ah!
01:09What it actually is, is a big orange killing engine.
01:13Seems like...
01:16Oh, my God!
01:18Please make it!
01:20Please!
01:25Just need to find a road now.
01:27This is not funny anymore.
01:28I don't want another night in the desert.
01:30Oh, my God.
01:31I could go east.
01:32I could go west.
01:33Whichever way you go, it goes somewhere.
01:36Yes!
01:37It is the road to freedom!
01:40What the hell was that?
01:42What I'm driving here, or attempting to drive, is Apollo 13.
01:57It was morning by the time I nursed my wounded car into Windhoek.
02:02And my well-rested colleagues were full of admiration for how I'd pulled off such a feat.
02:09Is that the first thing you thought of?
02:10What?
02:11Tear a hole in it.
02:12What's that going to do?
02:13I needed to get to the bleed valve on the radiator, which is there.
02:17Is it?
02:18And to make life doubly difficult, I trod on my spectacles.
02:24Oh, that is a bit tragic.
02:26So you were trying to fix it with one lens?
02:27I was trying to fix it.
02:28And the only eye I can close is this eye.
02:31You can't close your left eye.
02:32I can't close my left eye.
02:33Why didn't you put them on upside down?
02:35Then you'd have had the lens over the other eye.
02:40That is logic there.
02:42Oh, yeah.
02:44Come on, let's go.
02:45We've got a lot to do.
02:46The one thing we have established now is that with the exception of Windhoek, which is the capital, Namibia is a tough and arduous place.
02:55Yeah.
02:56Have you bought maps?
02:57Have you got tenting equipment of any sort?
03:00Have you got somewhere to sleep other than the desert floor?
03:03No.
03:04So why don't we today get prepared for the next leg of the... big leg of the journey?
03:10That actually is a good idea.
03:11That's not a bad idea.
03:12OK, we'll do that.
03:13We'll grant ourselves a day of shopping.
03:15Shopping.
03:16Mm.
03:17First of all, would you permit me to chisel some of the cheddar that has grown in my underpants away?
03:23Not here.
03:25Having de-cheesed my body parts, we headed out to get the necessary supplies.
03:32The thing is, if we go mesh, that's good. It'll keep the sun off, but it won't keep the light out. That will wake us up early. That's one and a half kilograms.
03:39But...
03:40Hammond, Hammond, the first thing you need to know before we start shopping in here is James and I are in charge.
03:46Well...
03:47No, I'm sorry he's right.
03:48No, you're not. You don't know anything about camping.
03:50Exactly.
03:51Well, how does that make you in charge?
03:52Because we know it's all terrible.
03:54If we leave it to you, we'll all end up sleeping in small green triangles.
03:58The camping you know about is in the Lake District where you deliberately make yourself miserable.
04:03I'm sorry he's right.
04:04It is possible, I think, with a bit of ingenuity and money, to make tenting bearable.
04:13Richard Baden Hammond disagreed, so we went our separate ways.
04:19Correct, incorrect.
04:21Exactly.
04:22Do you agree?
04:23But I'd go even more correct.
04:24Oh, yes.
04:25Perfect.
04:26Roll it out.
04:27On the desert floor.
04:30You're home.
04:31Oh, James, Le Crusoe.
04:33See, Hammond would hate this because this weighs more than a tent in his mind,
04:36which it does, actually.
04:37A lot more.
04:38Yes.
04:39And it weighs more because it is a quality item.
04:41Exactly.
04:42Pocket trowel.
04:44Pocket soap.
04:46Here we go.
04:48Pasta spoon.
04:49Yeah, good idea.
04:51I found that bottle opener a bit...
04:52lightweight.
04:54Yeah, more expensive is what we're looking for.
04:56See, look at this, James.
04:57This is the sort of thing Hammond would think is a chair.
05:01Ooh.
05:02That's all you need.
05:03That's your whole stove.
05:05That's it.
05:07Is it gas too, isn't it?
05:08I presume so.
05:09I mean, for two, you could get a small chicken in there or a pheasant.
05:13We're getting there now.
05:17So that folds down to that.
05:19Yeah.
05:20The next morning, we headed out once more with the camping gear James and I had bought, bringing
05:32up the rear.
05:33And besides stocking up with essentials, Hammond and I had used our day off in Windhoek to modify our cars.
05:46To solve my overheating problems, I fitted a Ram Air scoop which shovels refreshing cooling air into the radiator as I go along.
05:54And as you may have noticed, I fitted a spoiler.
06:02My only complaint really about my beach buggy was its lack of performance in third and fourth gears.
06:07Couldn't do anything about upping power from the engine and I don't want to stress it.
06:11So I could lighten it.
06:13I've stripped away the superstructure here and the passenger seat.
06:16Everything's spare.
06:17That means this car is 30, 40 kilos lighter than it was before.
06:24Jeremy, why is your car sprouted a green moustache?
06:28Well, it's a spoiler for added downforce at the front end, which you need in a rear-engine vehicle.
06:34This thing will be unbelievable through the corners now. It really will. I've got 911.
06:41I'll tell you what, even with your new lightweight buggy, you're no match for what I've got here this morning.
06:48Yeah, I'm sorry, mate. This is quicker.
06:51It is not.
06:53It is.
06:55Right, Richard Hammond, I challenge you to a race.
06:58Okay, you're on.
07:00Idiot.
07:01We shall find a race track and we shall do racing.
07:03Well, you carry on. I'm not doing any racing. That's utterly pointless.
07:09On the outskirts of the city, we found a rather excellent circuit where we could do timed laps and James could try out his new vacuum cleaner.
07:20Oh, yes.
07:24Are you ready?
07:25No.
07:26Why not?
07:27Temperatures and pressures.
07:29This is a racing machine. Look at it.
07:31It's a plastic beach buggy parked near a VA.
07:34With aero.
07:35Really?
07:36In...
07:37Three, two, one, go!
07:42Yeah, I'm gonna do it in gear.
07:44Give it a shot.
07:45Yeah, I'm gonna try that.
07:46In!
07:47No, throttle's jammed.
07:49Yes.
07:51Jammed.
07:52No.
07:53You can keep sending in until the cows come home.
07:58The throttle...
08:00Three, two, one, begin!
08:04Oh!
08:05why why have you stopped ah well um the throttle may have gone a bit open
08:17yeah my throttle is totally broken anyway hammond yeah any car which can really off the line
08:29is going to be able to beat yours and would have done so sorry you're saying because your car
08:34started 50 yards away over there yeah wheeled was uncontrollable slammed back down and broke
08:39itself it's the best on the track yes well much learned really useful glad we did it
08:45with jeremy's endlessly troublesome car fixed again we scooped up james dyson and continued
08:55northwards towards the finish line at the border with angola
08:59the going was smooth and easy and eerily quiet which begged a question now apparently namibia
09:11is the most dangerous place in the world to drive there are more accidents per head than anywhere
09:16else and car accidents are the first and most common cause of death in younger adults
09:23how how can that be so i mean the place is empty
09:33in britain there are 250 260 people for every square kilometer here
09:40it's two two this makes the australian outback look like monaco monkey monkey huge anus did you see that
09:52thing's anus
09:56i however was not thinking about population statistics or monkeys bottoms i was just happy to be on a
10:02smooth surface in a car that wasn't filled with dust i shall relax
10:10lovely view sadly though a few miles later
10:15uzzer
10:19ow ow ow oh my nuts ow
10:22ah
10:22ah
10:24ah
10:25stop it
10:26ow ow
10:27ah
10:28james wave
10:30Yes, I can hear you, but it's very uncomfortable, and my car has cut out.
10:42Ow!
10:43Mercifully for James, we eventually arrived at a game reserve,
10:48which we decided would be an ideal place to set up camp for the night.
10:53Right.
10:54Ha-ha-ha-ha!
10:59That's what we need.
11:01As Hammond built his canvas hovel,
11:06James and I were looking forward to a more civilised evening in the tents we'd bought,
11:12and which had been erected by the butler we'd also bought.
11:17Thank you, Giovanni.
11:19Tuck your shirt in, man. It's not a bloody caravan sight.
11:22Erm...
11:24I'm just thinking dinner.
11:26Hmm. Do you mind if I get changed?
11:28No, exactly. I'm going to have a shower.
11:30Hmm.
11:31I'm going to have a bath, actually.
11:32Why not?
11:33Giovanni, could you run the baths?
11:45Apparently this place has got oysters.
11:47Really? Here?
11:49I know, it's extraordinary. Who knew?
11:51Look, fine.
11:53You coming for some dinner?
11:54What do you mean, coming for some dinner? No, I'm cooking it here, look.
11:57There's a restaurant just down there.
11:58A restaurant?
11:59Yeah, I'm still here.
12:00Well, I don't want to go. I'm cooking this. I'm doing it properly. I'm camping.
12:03Well, come and...
12:04I'll join you after dinner.
12:05Whatever.
12:06He's such a peasant, isn't he?
12:08That's just unbelievable.
12:10That evening in the restaurant, Hammond never did join us.
12:13But James and I were not short of company.
12:17Oh, no, there's rhinos. There's actual rhinos.
12:20And they've been dehorned.
12:22They've had to take its horn out to stop poachers shooting it.
12:27But you know what the poachers are doing?
12:30They shoot the dehorned ones.
12:32Because if they track for a couple of days a rhino,
12:35and then it's got no horn, they shoot it,
12:37and then they'll never have to track it again, so it saves time.
12:40Do you know how much you get for a rhino horn now?
12:43On the...
12:43Yeah, in Vietnam.
12:45I'm guessing it's a lot.
12:46$320,000.
12:49So it's more expensive than gold.
12:52And even the nub that's left, that he's got,
12:55is still worth, I don't know, thousands of dollars.
12:58I was going to say, no matter how carefully you dehorn it,
13:00there's still horn going down into its nose.
13:03That's such a tragedy, that, you know.
13:05Yeah.
13:07I want to do something about this while we're here.
13:09I'm sure we could come up with something.
13:11I'm sure we could.
13:25The next morning, I woke to find I'd been recruited
13:29into the Clarkson and May Rhino Protection Squad.
13:33They were even convinced that our beach buggies
13:36would be ideal for tracking the poachers.
13:41I can't deny they do have a point about the whole rhino thing.
13:44It is ridiculous.
13:46Two rhinos killed every day in Africa by poachers
13:49and are sold to a market that believes it's a cure for cancer,
13:53impotence, even hangovers.
13:57But are we necessarily the right men to tackle it head-on in the field?
14:02Would we do better just popping a pound coin in a jar
14:09and letting somebody who knows what they're doing, solve it?
14:12Well, I've got a tranquiliser gun from the place where we were last night,
14:17but I can't see anyone to shoot.
14:25Figuring that the poachers probably didn't use the main road,
14:28we went off to look in the bush.
14:31What about over there?
14:35No poachers.
14:39Tire marks.
14:41Maybe some poacher.
14:43Oh, no, wait.
14:44A BF Goodrich's.
14:45This is James May.
14:46Do you feel like this is stupid?
14:51What's stupid?
14:53How would you recognise a poacher when you saw one?
14:56And when you find one, what are you going to do with it?
14:58We'll all go...
14:59Ah!
15:00All we're doing on our journey is driving three beach buggies
15:03to the Angolan border, which doesn't further the cause of humanity.
15:07And it does, does it?
15:08We've got a day, Ham. Give us 24 hours.
15:1224 hours.
15:13Then I promise we'll get back on the road.
15:20Once our sceptical colleague had agreed,
15:23I decided to change tack,
15:25abandon the cars and search from the air,
15:28using some beachfront parasailing equipment.
15:34Jeremy?
15:35Yes?
15:36If we don't make it, please know that I hate you.
15:39It's not a breath of wind, so don't be stupid.
15:42Oh, my parachute's been...
15:47Oh, hello.
15:48Goodbye.
15:51Shit!
15:55That's not worked at all.
15:57OK, right, I'm not going to do that.
15:59Clearly, my solution was too dangerous for us.
16:02So we sent Giovanni up instead.
16:08Look, now he's going over there, he's going to crash and die.
16:10No, no, no, he's been blown a bit sideways.
16:12We still...
16:13And downwards.
16:16He didn't sign up for this, did he?
16:19Giovanni failed to spot any poachers.
16:23So we told him to stop messing about
16:25and get back to camp to pour some drinks,
16:28whilst we had a rethink.
16:31Everything we've tried has gone wrong.
16:34So let's accept it now and move on.
16:36We can go.
16:37No.
16:38I think the poachers only go out at night.
16:42Oh, for God's sake.
16:44We'll let the sunset get some tactical kit.
16:48Rifles.
16:50Come on, Alan.
16:51You gave us 24 hours before you wanted our gun and badges.
16:54You did.
16:55OK.
16:56I think a couple more beers, head out there.
16:59I agree.
17:01Let it get dark.
17:02Be patient.
17:03Yes.
17:04Hunters are patient, aren't they?
17:05Exactly.
17:11Once darkness had fallen,
17:13we got kitted out with tranquilizer guns and tactical kit,
17:17and headed back into the bush,
17:19with a very unsure Richard in tow.
17:23I mean, I'd like to stop poachers,
17:25but out here at night, what is the poacher to lion ratio?
17:29What am I more likely to find?
17:35What you have to do is look for rhino tracks,
17:38because that's what the poachers will be following.
17:42Literally the most manly thing I've ever done.
18:01Grand tour for men.
18:03Splashing them all over.
18:04Ow!
18:05Bloody hell.
18:06You stupid bastards!
18:08Someone shot me!
18:10Hammond.
18:11Hammond.
18:12Hammond.
18:13Hammond.
18:14Clarkson, you moron.
18:16Hammond.
18:17All right, well, I have to be honest,
18:30yesterday was a total waste of time.
18:33We achieved nothing.
18:35All we did achieve was we seem to have wounded Mr Hammond,
18:38who, well, we couldn't wake him up this morning at all.
18:41And because we needed to get going, we've a long way to go.
18:44We've had to improvise.
18:46The niedogowing bias.
18:48.
18:52.
19:01What the ****?
19:03What the **** is this?
19:06You bastards!
19:07Bastards!
19:14Back on the ground, James and I had our own problems.
19:21Ow! Ow!
19:28This is very good for the gravel rash that I got
19:32during my parachute accident yesterday.
19:34Oh, that hurts.
19:38All we could really do is a rain shower to dampen this dust down.
19:43I think it's unlikely.
19:45Yeah, there's no evidence that rain is on its way, I would say.
19:50Soon, word came over the radio that Hammond was on his way to rejoin us.
19:57And that he wasn't in the best of moods.
20:01What was that?
20:05What was that about?
20:06Well, he didn't want to leave you behind.
20:08Well, you wouldn't wake up.
20:09No, obviously, you didn't want to leave me behind,
20:11so you did the logical thing,
20:12which is suspend me from a helicopter whilst asleep.
20:15Yes.
20:16Most people would arrive at the same conclusion.
20:18No, you didn't! You were having a laugh!
20:20Do you realise how rough the first bit of road was
20:22that you haven't had to drive on,
20:23and you got a helicopter ride, which we haven't had?
20:26You wouldn't be laughing and sniggering so much if I'd fallen out of that thing,
20:29as I could have done.
20:31Well, it wouldn't be funny.
20:32No, it just wouldn't be interesting.
20:33With the rhino fiasco behind us, we got back to the job in hand.
20:45Which was to reach the Angolan border and therefore prove that beach buggies are brilliant go-anywhere machines,
20:52and not just frivolous toys.
20:57Today, however, that theory would be seriously tested.
21:04Oh, for God's sake!
21:06Ow!
21:09Ah!
21:10Ow!
21:13Ow, ow, ow, ow!
21:17Oh, Christ, on a bite!
21:19I hate to admit this, but I'm jealous of Hammond.
21:24I wish I'd fitted that suspension on my car.
21:28How is this car going to stand up to this punishment all day, Carl?
21:35Well, since it had been designed by me and made from 40-year-old components,
21:40the answer was depressingly predictable.
21:43The alternator, as you can see, has come off its hinge.
21:49The bolt's supposed to go in there, but it's just come off.
21:52And the bolt, well, that's somewhere back there, 100 miles.
21:56So, my alternator is now held onto the screwdriver that I've hammered into place.
22:10And we're running well.
22:16Oh!
22:17I don't know what I'm going to do about it, but I don't have a fan belt on there.
22:24Not a problem.
22:28Another five miles.
22:30Another fan belt.
22:32I'm going to need a pair of tights.
22:36And it wasn't just me.
22:38Been through all of that, all of that, the ignition cut-out switch.
22:42I've got some weird gremlin.
22:43This road is just shaking these cars to pieces.
22:50Naturally, Jeremy decided that the only way of keeping his car in one piece
22:55was to drive very quickly.
22:57My optimum speed is 2,800 RPM.
23:02That being my only dial, really.
23:04That way I'm skipping over the top of the ridges.
23:06Unfortunately, at this speed, my V8 was emptying the petrol tank every 31 miles.
23:16And one of the items we'd forgotten to buy at the camping shop was a funnel.
23:21Right, wind's dropped. Here we go.
23:24Drink!
23:27This is completely safe.
23:29Some of the petrol is...
23:31Oh, my giddy aunt.
23:32The roads are getting worse.
23:37The roads are getting worse.
23:39Even though the going was appalling.
23:45The beach buggies, amazingly, were more or less still in one piece.
23:51However, as the relentless pounding wore on, the same could not be said of James.
23:57Ah!
24:04Oh, my God!
24:07As I was in my bones, I'm going to shatter.
24:10Oh!
24:12I've had enough of this.
24:27What I'm doing is I'm trying to soften up the front suspension
24:30and I'm going to soften the tyres as well.
24:33So don't go out a bit under here.
24:34Now I'm going to let a bit of air out of the tyres.
24:39This made a huge difference.
24:42This is rubbish!
24:52Stop!
24:56But it didn't stop.
24:58It went on and on.
25:03That day I did 350 miles
25:06and every single one of them was filled with pain, dust and misery.
25:12And that's why, the following morning, I came up with a radical plan.
25:22Don't drive on the road, drive near it.
25:25I did do a bit alongside the road, admittedly only half a kilometre,
25:30but it was bliss by comparison.
25:31It was like driving on a freshly resurfaced Silverstone.
25:34I mean, we don't have to stray miles from it.
25:36I agree, that would be foolish, because we could just end up stuck skeletons.
25:39But honestly, it's agony in mind.
25:42I've got neck ache, headache.
25:44I hate it.
25:45Right, I'll tell you what, Hammond.
25:46I'll tell you why I like his idea.
25:49If it is smooth off-road, it's more comfortable for us.
25:53If it's hopeless out there, we can blame him.
25:57Fair enough.
25:58With that settled, we left the road and set out on Highway May.
26:10I'll give James one thing.
26:13It is smoother than the road, but I am doing three miles an hour.
26:18I mean, yeah, I like off-roading, I do.
26:20But this isn't exactly quicker, is it?
26:23Sadly, a short while later, we didn't even have smooth going for us.
26:30Ow!
26:32Ow, ow, ow, ow!
26:34Oh, spiffy.
26:38Oh, James, I hope you're happy with this.
26:41How bad must it have been for him if this is better?
26:47Oh, God, all bloody mighty, what an idiot that man is.
26:51It's a lot less bumpy.
26:53Ow, Christ!
26:57Jesus!
26:58Is this better, really?
27:04Stop moaning!
27:09Hammond, my entire throttle assembly has disintegrated.
27:13I can't see why. I'm sure this is all helping it.
27:16Definitely all right on the road.
27:18Yeah, I don't know why more people don't drive their cars on the road.
27:22Stop blaming your failures on the scenery.
27:26Every bone in his crotch, that's what I'm going to break.
27:30Every single one of them.
27:32And then, if it were at all possible, May tours got even worse.
27:40Ow! Oh, God, the dust!
27:42Ah!
27:42What is this Star Trek special effect we've arrived in?
27:50Oh, my God!
27:54I am swimming through dust. I'm actually swimming in it.
27:57Oh, dear, oh, dear.
27:58Oh, dear, oh, dear.
28:02We had driven into something called Fesh-Fesh, a sand as fine as talcum powder.
28:08Oh, shite.
28:09And this had made Ali G even more cross.
28:16I can't see a bloody thing now.
28:18I can't even find James May to kill him.
28:23Oh! Oh!
28:26OK, the engine's boiling, and I'm stuck.
28:30All my electrics have gone haywire.
28:32It's still trying to turn the motor over.
28:34The battery's dead.
28:35Are you stuck, James?
28:37Uh...
28:38I'm...
28:40I'm stuck!
28:43Well done, James.
28:44We proved our lot no end.
28:46So the situation is...
28:48Hammond has broken his car, you're stuck, and mine's overheated.
28:53Are we going to say, James, that your idea was stupid?
28:58It was stupid.
28:59With even Sergeant Stubborn admitting defeat, it was time to throw in the towel.
29:09So we got ourselves sorted out, got a wash in the river, and headed back to the road.
29:16There you go.
29:18Freshly ironed linen shirt with epaulettes that matches my beach buggy.
29:24Ironed by Giovanni.
29:25Despite everything, our beach buggies had covered 750 miles of our 1,000-mile journey.
29:36And we were now well into the tribal regions of northern Namibia.
29:42Which is picture-book Africa.
29:46Well, this is all a bit too beautiful for words long here.
29:50Look at this.
29:52Tribal Namibia.
29:53I like it.
29:54Where we are now is genuinely, well, what would you say?
30:05Unspoiled?
30:07Yeah.
30:08People do live the lives they've led here for thousands of years.
30:16Oh, no.
30:17Oh, no, I'm dying.
30:18Annoyingly, the James May excursion had caused more damage than I'd realised.
30:27Oh, no, the ignition's stuck on.
30:30Oh, bugger.
30:31Then, instead of the breakdown recovery service, some topless ladies arrived.
30:39Hello.
30:40Which made knowing where to look a bit difficult.
30:44I'm constantly trying on the job, Richard.
30:54This is unusual.
30:55I mean, normally the AA would have done.
31:01Very good.
31:02Oh, a bit more.
31:03I too was nursing wounds as a result of May tours.
31:18I do seem to have lost one of my cylinders somehow.
31:24I'm driving a V7.
31:28Basically, this is now spitty, spitty, bang, bang.
31:31So, at the lunch stop, Richard and I decided to get our revenge on Mr. May.
31:47Clarkson!
31:48What?
31:49You've put...
31:51Where's...
31:52That is disturbing.
31:53What's really annoying is what have you done with my original vintage VW gear knob?
31:58Ah, well, no, good news on that.
32:00Giovanni has posted your original gear lever back to your address in London.
32:04Has he?
32:04Yes.
32:05Special delivery.
32:06What is the matter with you?
32:07That's really offensive.
32:09Well, I think that's a bit sexist.
32:11No, it's not.
32:12Why would I want to drive along with a rubber penis on it?
32:14I don't know.
32:15I think you're weird.
32:22With our break over, we got back on the road.
32:25For our American viewers, James May is driving a dick shift.
32:33And it wasn't just James's knob that was keeping us amused.
32:37There was something else we'd learned over lunch that was even funnier.
32:41James May's fuel tank has a hole in it, or it's split.
32:45He's driving a bomb.
32:50It's a tense moment, this.
32:51It's like the end of a football match, when it's one-all.
32:54You know he's going to blow up.
32:56You just don't know when.
32:58It's not going to read well in the papers, is it?
33:01James May died in an exploding beach buggy holding a rubber penis.
33:04Oh, shut up.
33:07Jeez.
33:15Oh, in the face!
33:20Once James's fuel tank had run low enough,
33:23we pulled over in a small village so he could make some repairs.
33:27Well, the wind's blowing that way, so the fireball will go up there.
33:34It'll be sudden, won't it, when he goes?
33:36Yeah.
33:37It's woomph, woomph, and then a bit of quiet,
33:39and then all bits come down.
33:41Yes.
33:43Here's the split in the tank.
33:45Apply this.
33:46Oh, well, hello.
33:48You know we've been saying how bad the roads are, Hammond?
33:50Yes.
33:51They're bad enough to kill an unkillable car.
33:55That's kind of a terrifying sight, isn't it?
33:57I know.
33:58I've never seen that before in my life.
34:02A dead Toyota pickup truck.
34:06With James's tank bodged,
34:08we knuckled down to getting some miles under our belt.
34:14And for the rest of the day,
34:16the only person with petrol issues was me.
34:25Right.
34:26Refueled.
34:27I'm good now for 31 miles.
34:32By the end of the day, we'd made good progress,
34:35and when we stopped to make camp...
34:37Where the bloody hell's Giovanni?
34:40We were less than 100 miles from the finish line.
34:43So, after supper, we decided to have a conversation,
34:46well, argument,
34:47about who'd built the best beach buggy.
34:51The point is, yours isn't a beach buggy.
34:55My car?
34:56Yeah?
34:57Apart from having a beach buggy's body
34:58and the beating, pulsating heart of a beach buggy,
35:00namely a Beetle engine...
35:02I look at yours and go,
35:03that doesn't even look like a beach buggy.
35:05It does, and it is.
35:06It's a beach buggy enhanced,
35:08but in the spirit of beach buggy...
35:10It is.
35:11Jeremy, yours is...
35:13a freak.
35:14Had it existed 100 years ago,
35:16it would have been exhibited.
35:17People who'd come from hundreds of miles around
35:18and the children would have petered through it at the curtains.
35:20Oh, look at the monster!
35:21The point is,
35:22I have always loved the spirit of the beach buggy.
35:25I love the era that created it and all of that.
35:27But the one thing that's made me think I don't like it
35:30is the engine reminds me of Hitler.
35:33I have removed all of that Hitler DNA from mine,
35:36fitted a bloody great V8.
35:39It's gone too far.
35:41It's Frankenstein's buggy.
35:43I can settle this.
35:44Yours isn't a proper beach buggy.
35:46It isn't.
35:47But it's more of a beach buggy than yours.
35:49Oh, rubbish!
35:50Because the true spirit of the beach buggy
35:52is the Beetle floor pan and engine, which his has.
35:54Yours doesn't have the engine.
35:55Mine actually has everything.
35:57Mine is the proper beach buggy.
35:58I'm sorry about this, James, but...
36:00You're not.
36:01Your car was created by the swinging 60s
36:03and endorsed by Steve McQueen,
36:04one of the coolest people who ever lived.
36:07And yet, somehow,
36:08you have managed to make your beach buggy boring.
36:11It is a bit.
36:12It is a bit.
36:13It is boring.
36:14It's a boring firework display.
36:15It is.
36:16It's boring in that it works.
36:18No, James...
36:19It doesn't work!
36:20The only thing that has gone wrong with my car
36:22is a small leak in the petrol tank.
36:23Everything else about it has constantly worked.
36:25Do you know,
36:26every time I've overtaken the apple,
36:27I've thought,
36:28that's dismal.
36:29It isn't.
36:30It has an elegance and a purity.
36:31And when you say,
36:32you're going to come past me,
36:33I come past you every 30 miles
36:35because you've run out of fuel.
36:37It wheelies,
36:38the throttle sticks,
36:39the alternator falls off,
36:40bolts fall out of it.
36:41It doesn't...
36:42The alternator...
36:43You've had to fit a wing on it,
36:44which completely ruins the looks.
36:45It's not in the spirit of the beach buggy,
36:46it's in the spirit of a man
36:47desperately trying to justify a terrible idea.
36:50It was a brilliant idea!
36:51It doesn't work!
36:52I'm fairly conscious right now
36:54your car is drinking the fuel out of mine
36:56like a sort of plastic vampire.
36:58Look, mine has been thirsty.
37:00Thirsty?
37:01Yes.
37:02We continued arguing until Giovanni reminded us
37:05it was time to go to bed.
37:07But I didn't go to bed
37:09because I had business to attend to.
37:12Right, Jeremy Clarkson thinks he's being flamboyant
37:16and he doesn't realise
37:17that my knowledge of aerodynamics
37:19will trump his ability
37:20to fit rubber penises to people's cars.
37:23It was.
37:40Shit!
37:47Hammond!
37:48Fire!
37:49Help!
37:51Hammond!
37:52Help!
37:58The next morning,
37:59as we resumed our journey,
38:01I was feeling rather philosophical.
38:05I once saw an old lady fall over
38:07and drop her shopping bag
38:09on the opposite side of the road
38:10and her shopping fell out.
38:12And amongst it was an Easter egg
38:14which I assumed she'd bought for a grandchild or something
38:17and it rolled into the road
38:19and got run over by a car
38:20and it was the most tragic thing I've ever seen
38:23until I saw the front of my car this morning.
38:32And it wasn't just the front of his own car he'd ruined.
38:35I wouldn't mind, but the rattling from James' workmanship is appalling.
38:48Despite everything, though, we were now almost there.
38:52Today, we would reach the beach that marked the finish of what had been a spectacular journey
38:57through a spectacular country.
39:03Oh!
39:05That deserves a stabbing.
39:06That deserves a stabbing.
39:09Oh!
39:10Oh, my God!
39:11Oh!
39:12Oh!
39:13Oh!
39:14Oh!
39:18Oh!
39:19Oh!
39:21Giovanni, could you run the barbs?
39:23Oh!
39:28Oh!
39:29Help!
39:31It really is an amazing part of the world, this.
39:35But everything that makes it amazing
39:37is harsh and unforgiving and difficult.
39:43Oh, stop!
39:45No one's ever said this before,
39:48but Namibia...
39:51is a beautiful bastard of a country.
39:53And yet, as we counted down the last few miles of our journey,
40:08our homemade beach buggies were still running.
40:12They were battered and bruised, but they'd proved our point to Mr. Wilman.
40:17They'd made it.
40:19And they'd done something else as well.
40:23They'd got under our skin.
40:25We liked them even more at the end
40:28than we had done at the start.
40:30I think everybody in the world should drive a beach buggy
40:33because you're exposed to so much.
40:36Not just the elements,
40:38but the opinions of other people.
40:40I mean, when you're in a normal car,
40:42you shake your fist and make gestures and shout and yell
40:45because you feel cocooned and safe and immune from everybody.
40:51But in a beach buggy, everyone's just there.
40:55It's brilliant.
40:57Such a friendly way of moving about.
41:02And with that, we settled down for what we hoped
41:05would be a smooth cruise to the beach.
41:08But it wasn't.
41:10Ow, ow!
41:11This is outrageous.
41:13Holy shit!
41:15Oh, no, it's gone!
41:17And now my aerodynamics are badly affected as well.
41:19Oh, my word.
41:21Jeremy is hoping to get to the finish line
41:23in the sort of pile of scrap
41:25you hate your neighbours for keeping
41:27at the bottom of their garden.
41:29Oh, my word.
41:31Jeremy is hoping to get to the finish line
41:33in the sort of pile of scrap
41:35you hate your neighbours for keeping
41:36at the bottom of their garden.
41:38Oh, my word.
41:40Jeremy is hoping to get to the finish line
41:42in the sort of pile of scrap
41:44you hate your neighbours for keeping
41:45at the bottom of their garden.
41:46Oh, God!
41:56Oh, no, there's petrol!
41:58Ammon, don't go near his car.
42:01There's petrol all over the front of his car.
42:03Is there? Yeah.
42:04Ooh!
42:06What if it caught fire, James?
42:08Oh, God.
42:13With just 30 miles to go,
42:15the mighty seven-cylinder V8 really started to play up.
42:21Oh, no!
42:28And then it started to go dark,
42:31which presented us with the biggest problem of the lot.
42:34Ah! That's just terrible!
42:39Oh, God!
42:41Well, that's marvellous.
42:43That one is dazzling me,
42:45and that one is showing me where to go.
42:48This is far from ideal.
42:52Before pitch darkness fell,
42:54we pulled over to do some emergency repairs.
42:57I'm going to put some tape
43:00of a certain well-known brand on the problem.
43:04Fingertight will do.
43:06These repairs were extremely successful.
43:13Oh, it's swung into my face!
43:16No, I can't see a thing.
43:18No, that's worse!
43:21Oh, God, no, they've turned.
43:24Oh, no, my car's gone cross-eyed again.
43:26There's a man coming the other way.
43:32What's he going to think of us?
43:34I can't see a bloody face.
43:40Oh, that's good.
43:41It's shaking the headlight back round again.
43:44Yeah, now it's back again.
43:45Oh, just for a moment.
43:49Then the rough road brought some new headlight problems.
43:52Oh, nothing.
43:54Oh, no, no, nothing, nothing.
43:57I've now got nothing at all.
44:00Okay, Hammond and May,
44:01can you just let me know what your lighting situation is now?
44:05As long as I hold the flash lever back,
44:07I have light.
44:09If I hold the lever,
44:10I get one light and one flashing light.
44:13Yes, but I have to take my hand off to change gear.
44:15And then Hammond's car suddenly turned into the lighting rig
44:20at a Pink Floyd gig.
44:23Why do they keep changing?
44:25It's all gone.
44:28Oh!
44:32It's only three kilometres to go now.
44:35Three.
44:39Oh, hell.
44:43Don, coming back.
44:45Although we couldn't see,
44:48we knew we must be close to the beach.
44:51It's not, you know, a seaside beach.
44:53It must be on a river or a lake or something.
44:59This is uphill.
45:00I'm sure that's wrong.
45:03That's a big drop there.
45:06Don't want to go off there.
45:08Not sure this is sensible.
45:10Nowhere in any guide I've ever read does it say,
45:15explore new territory in a beach buggy
45:18with your lights all broken.
45:22Unable to find anything even remotely resembling a beach,
45:26we pulled over.
45:27You cannot carry on just plunging around in the darkness,
45:33hoping to find a beach.
45:34And anyway, what is that noise?
45:36I would say that is a waterfall.
45:43Is it something you want to come across in the dark?
45:45Because the other thing I'd say about that sand,
45:48it might be my imagination,
45:49but that sounds to me as though it's coming from below,
45:52like we're above it.
45:52Well, we have climbed up that track.
45:54And a waterfall is a drop by definition.
45:57If we're at... I don't want to...
45:58In the dark...
45:59Abandoned. I'm not doing it.
46:01We'll do it tomorrow.
46:03Sun, let's go and look at the stars
46:05and have one more night in Namibia
46:06and then we'll find it tomorrow
46:07and it'll be fantastic.
46:09Tomorrow morning on the beach.
46:10Giovanni!
46:15The next morning, daylight brought answers
46:19to our questions.
46:20So it wasn't a waterfall?
46:24No, it was many waterfalls.
46:27Hundreds of waterfalls.
46:36And they were just part of what we all agreed
46:39was the most beautiful view we'd ever seen.
46:50But...
46:54Many waterfalls.
46:58No beach that I can see.
47:03Does that count as a beach?
47:05That is a beach.
47:06I'd call that a beach.
47:08That's a beach.
47:08That's got to be it.
47:10There's no others.
47:11Gentlemen,
47:11our quest is at an end.
47:14Let us ride...
47:17in splendour...
47:19to...
47:20I'm not finishing that very well.
47:22What is it?
47:22It's very moving.
47:23I'm trying to think of something evocative
47:25and Victorian and brilliant.
47:27How about,
47:27let's go over there
47:28and finish our journey?
47:29No, that's brummy rubbish.
47:30It is.
47:31It's the fact.
47:32It is.
47:32Unable to find the right words
47:34to mark the moment.
47:36We're set off anyway.
47:42Yeah, this is it.
47:46We are
47:47half a kilometre
47:48from our objective.
47:53Oh.
47:55Oh, no.
47:56Path ends.
47:57Path ends.
47:59Um.
47:59Oh, my God.
48:07Well, if this won't get over there,
48:08there's no way we're theirs.
48:13We split up
48:14to look for a path
48:15through the rocks.
48:18Oh, no.
48:19But it was hopeless.
48:22Forget it.
48:25Hammond, forget it.
48:26We aren't going down this hill.
48:29The problem is,
48:32even if we could get over
48:34this stuff,
48:35which we can't...
48:36No, we can't.
48:37Have you seen
48:37what's between us
48:38and the beach?
48:40Look at it.
48:42There's no way
48:42you could drive over that
48:43or anywhere near it.
48:44Look, you can't even go inland of it.
48:46No, we can't go there.
48:46And you can't go round that mountain
48:48and come at it from the back
48:49because, look,
48:49they're just cliffs.
48:56Wait a minute.
48:58What?
48:59I've had
49:01a great idea.
49:05Um...
49:05No.
49:07So, we can't drive over here,
49:10but we have to get us
49:12and our cars
49:13to that beach
49:14over there.
49:15if there were to be
49:18some kind of...
49:19a mountain point
49:21on that cliff, maybe,
49:22and then
49:23a mountain point down...
49:24No.
49:25A mountain point down there...
49:27But that distance,
49:28that's a huge distance.
49:29About half a kilometer.
49:30But can you imagine
49:31the forces on it?
49:32The things at the end
49:33are going to have to be
49:33pretty...
49:34Huge.
49:34Massive.
49:35Jeremy, we don't all live
49:36in a cartoon.
49:37We would die.
49:38We would die.
49:38We would die.
49:39We would die.
49:40We would die.
49:40We would die.
49:41We would die.
49:42We would die.
49:42Given that there were
49:43no alternatives,
49:44we had to go
49:46with the apes' plan,
49:47which was to turn
49:48our beach buggies
49:50into cable cars.
49:51It's more than
49:53because of over two meters.
49:54That's good enough.
49:56So we headed
49:57to a nearby abandoned mine
49:59to scavenge materials.
50:05Is that a bit any good?
50:06How much more
50:07of that cable have we got?
50:09Four drums.
50:11Are you proposing
50:12that that becomes
50:12a winding drum?
50:14Yeah.
50:15Very important
50:16we get as much weight
50:18as possible
50:19into Hammond's car
50:20for, um,
50:22well, for your amusement.
50:26Ah!
50:29Right, toolbox.
50:37How much of this
50:38do you want?
50:3830 meters.
50:46James,
50:46have you got
50:47that hoop welded in yet?
50:49No, that's my next job.
50:50No, that's my next job.
50:55Several days later,
50:57and with absolutely
50:58no help whatsoever
51:00from any Namibian
51:01mining engineers,
51:02the world's first
51:05beach buggy cable car
51:07was ready,
51:08and...
51:08Stop, everybody.
51:09The goats are eating
51:10the tree
51:11that we've anchored it to.
51:13Shoe goats.
51:15Shoe.
51:15They were eating the tree.
51:20Anyway,
51:21as I was saying,
51:22it stretched
51:23for more than
51:24a third of a mile,
51:25and since the drop
51:26to the crocodile-infested river
51:28was several hundred feet,
51:30we decided
51:31James should go first.
51:33We had a vote.
51:34Yeah, we did,
51:35and we were unanimous.
51:36You were going first.
51:37Right, so it's become
51:38a democracy all of a sudden.
51:39Yeah.
51:39Yes, it has.
51:40Yeah.
51:41And anyway,
51:41your car's the lightest.
51:42Now you've burned
51:43half of it away.
51:46I'm climbing in.
51:48Jesus!
51:49With the state-of-the-art
51:51generators fired up,
51:57James fortified himself
51:59for the journey,
52:01It's a good car.
52:03And then simply
52:04drove off the launch pad.
52:06Oh, my God.
52:07Whoa!
52:10Oh, shit,
52:11it's really high.
52:13It's really high,
52:14you bloke.
52:14I'm turning the engine off.
52:16We had to test.
52:17Well, exactly.
52:18Well, you had to go first,
52:19obviously.
52:20Don't look at us
52:20and think we're bad,
52:21because that was sensed,
52:22that was scientifically vigorous.
52:30It's a cable car.
52:31It's a cable car.
52:32I've been on lots of cable cars.
52:33Cable cars are very safe.
52:35Oh, God, look who's going.
52:36This is where it's high.
52:37Yeah, it's horrible.
52:41Oh, no, it's going really high.
52:42I don't like...
52:43I hate you!
52:48OK, OK.
52:49He doesn't like us.
52:54Despite my terror,
52:56the cable buggy kept on chugging
52:58through what's technically
52:59Angolan airspace
53:00towards the beach.
53:03God, I'm nearly there.
53:07Neutral.
53:07Handbrake off.
53:09He's going to do it.
53:10He's going to do it.
53:11I'm at the end.
53:15He's down.
53:16That's a landing.
53:18Yes!
53:20Do you know what, though?
53:21What?
53:22I'm doing maths here.
53:23Mm-hmm.
53:24One of us is going to be killed
53:25doing this, obviously.
53:26Yes?
53:27I'd say so, yeah.
53:27So, when we were all here,
53:2933% chance.
53:31Now I'm doing it
53:32with a 50% chance.
53:34Now you're doing it.
53:35Well, I'm going next.
53:35Well, I can go next.
53:36You can't go next.
53:37Why are you going next?
53:38Why can't I?
53:38Whilst James toasted his success
53:42with some more drink,
53:45I won the argument
53:46and prepared for launch.
53:49Why is my car at this angle?
53:52Well, maybe because
53:53there's a massive V8
53:54hanging out the back of it.
53:55Bites.
53:56Bites.
53:57Bites.
53:57Bites.
53:58Oh, here we go.
54:05Oh!
54:08My rectum has just opened
54:11like a set of theatre curtains.
54:14And for good reason,
54:15because my beach buggy
54:17weighed 200 kilograms
54:18more than James' charred wreck.
54:24Ooh!
54:25Ooh, he brushed the grass.
54:30I'm terrified, I'll be honest,
54:32but for the first time
54:35since I set off,
54:35I'm comfortable
54:36in my beach buggy.
54:38Oh!
54:49Approaching the beach,
54:50approaching the end
54:51of the journey.
54:53Here I come.
54:55And...
54:56touchdown.
54:58Yes!
55:00Bad news, Hammond.
55:01I've made it.
55:03Oh, great.
55:05Sir?
55:06Oh, I say, James.
55:08Actually, I was lucky
55:10there was some left
55:11because James had had
55:12a bit of a thirst on
55:13whilst he'd been alone.
55:16Hello, guys, down there.
55:17It's Richard at the top.
55:19Right, I'm going to do this now,
55:21so goodbye.
55:26Oh, I don't like that feeling.
55:28Oh, here he comes, ladies and gentlemen,
55:35Richard Hammond.
55:38Oh, no!
55:41I could take solace from the fact
55:43that this system has already run twice
55:45with their cars and not failed.
55:47It's been tested.
55:48Or I could take a more realistic view,
55:50which is that those two fat hopes
55:52have already weakened it.
55:54Plus, he had all that scrap metal in the back,
55:57which is why all eyes were on him.
55:59Well, when I say all.
56:02Look at the colours in those rocks over there.
56:05It's fantastic.
56:07Just to the left of where Hammond is.
56:12Why is my car sitting so low?
56:14It is heavy.
56:15It is.
56:16Why is it lower?
56:17The colouring in there is fabulous, isn't it?
56:24Despite all my fears,
56:26the cables were holding
56:28and drawing me ever closer to my colleagues.
56:31This is it.
56:33I can see the beach.
56:34I'm so nearly there.
56:35We are going to do it.
56:37Come on, Hammond.
56:38Come on.
56:41I'm going to do it.
56:43Come on, Hammond.
56:44Come on.
56:47Oh.
56:54Um.
56:57Why have I stopped?
56:58Hammond!
56:59Come on!
57:00I've stopped!
57:02It's just stopped!
57:04What can I do?
57:05It's just stopped!
57:06There's like 200 metres to go!
57:09Well, I don't have anything to do with it!
57:11It's not up to me!
57:12Is there nothing you can do?
57:13Sadly, James was too drunk to think
57:17and I'm mechanically inept.
57:19Plus, whatever had gone wrong
57:21had gone wrong at the top
57:22and we were at the bottom.
57:24Move!
57:25Move!
57:26Move!
57:26There's literally nothing we can do.
57:28We've assessed everything
57:29and you're in a hopeless position.
57:33Could have another beer.
57:34We're going to have to conclude.
57:41I'm afraid that Mr. Willman was right,
57:44that the beach buggy is no good
57:46and on that terrible disappointment,
57:50it's time to end.
57:51Thank you so much for watching.
57:53Good night.
57:53You got your head on backwards, baby
58:04You don't know where you're at
58:05You got your head on backwards, baby
58:07Watch out, you'll fall flat
58:09You're still saying hi
58:10To the people that you meet
58:12You only say goodbye
58:14As you're walking down the street
58:16You got your head on backwards, baby
58:18As you're gonna hit the ground
58:20Yeah
58:22Well, when you finally fall down, baby
58:25I don't want to be around
58:27No!
58:28No!
58:52I don't want to be around
58:58No!
58:58No!
58:58No!
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1:20
3:00
1:00:24
6:29
4:52
1:06:47
1:01:58
1:01:43
1:02:10
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