- 2 days ago
The Grand Tour tent is once again in Loch Ness, Scotland after a monster discovery since the last show. This week, the hosts tour central Europe in a Jaguar F-Pace, a Bentley Bentayga and a Range Rover Autobiography, arguing over which is the best SUV and trying not to giggle at road signs. Also in this show, Jeremy kills preconceptions as he laps the Eboladrome in a Lexus GS F, the hosts examine the point of launch control, and Hollywood legend Tim Burton is invited to play Celebrity Brain Crash.
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MotorTranscript
00:00:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:01:00Hello and welcome.
00:01:17Welcome to the Grand Tour, which once again comes to you from the shores of Loch Ness in Scotland.
00:01:25Now, the reason why we're still here is, after last week's show, these two got talking to a man in the local town who has convinced them that in that lake there is a monster.
00:01:43Well, there is a monster.
00:01:46Have you seen it?
00:01:48No, but the man was very convincing.
00:01:50Did he sell you a tea towel with a drawing of a monster on it?
00:01:54He did, and now we know what the monster looks like.
00:01:58Exactly.
00:01:59We've also got photographs of the monster.
00:02:01Look, we've got this one.
00:02:02That's a log.
00:02:03And we've got this one.
00:02:05Look at that monster.
00:02:07Another log.
00:02:08Can I just draw your attention to a picture I've got, OK?
00:02:11Here it is.
00:02:12Well, that's not a monster, is it?
00:02:14No, that is an elephant shrew.
00:02:16Well spotted.
00:02:17Now, this is the unison GTR among animals.
00:02:21Have you ever seen it on the move?
00:02:23It's phenomenal.
00:02:24It leaves a rooster tail and it corners like it's got downforce.
00:02:27But, my point is, this is a very rare animal, and yet the photograph of it is in sharp focus and colour.
00:02:35Now, all the pictures of your monster are in black and white.
00:02:39Oh, maybe it is black and white.
00:02:41And blurry.
00:02:42Maybe it's blurry.
00:02:43This has been driving me mad all week, so I decided to go for a drive on some of Scotland's, let's be honest, brilliant driving roads.
00:02:50They are, they are fantastic.
00:02:55And actually, speaking of which, something called the North Highland Initiative, set up by Prince Charles.
00:03:03A few years ago, it came up with the North Coast 500.
00:03:06Now, this was going to be Scotland's answer to Route 66 in America.
00:03:11Miles of amazing scenery.
00:03:13Incredible roads.
00:03:14Got a picture of a bit of it here.
00:03:16Look at that.
00:03:17Huge success.
00:03:19Loads of big spenders came with their Lamborghinis and their Ferraris and their Porsches.
00:03:23Hotels were full.
00:03:24Restaurants were packed.
00:03:25Local economy booming.
00:03:28So, how long do you think it was before the local newspaper carried a headline containing the following words?
00:03:35Police and crackdown.
00:03:38Ten days.
00:03:39Two days.
00:03:40Two days.
00:03:41Two days.
00:03:42Oh, we can't have people driving along this.
00:03:44What are you going to do with it?
00:03:45It's a road.
00:03:46It's a road.
00:03:47I know it is.
00:03:48And then, you've got the A9.
00:03:5099 miles of continuous average speed camera.
00:03:5799.
00:03:5899 miles.
00:03:59I'm sorry.
00:04:00You lot, I presume you're all petrol heads, yes?
00:04:03Yes!
00:04:04So, let me ask you a question.
00:04:07Dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days, from this day to that, for one chance?
00:04:19One chance, just one chance to come back and say to the Scottish Safety Camera Partnership,
00:04:27you can take our licences, but you can't take our freedom.
00:04:35Freedom, freedom, freedom.
00:04:37Freedom, freedom, freedom, freedom.
00:04:42I know what you've done.
00:04:46I know that's dangerous. I know. Let's just get on with the show. Yes
00:04:51Tonight's car program
00:04:54An ant in a jar a dog on a lead
00:05:01And some beans on a table
00:05:06But first when someone wants to buy a large and very fast saloon car they tend to buy German they think there is no alternative
00:05:13But is there?
00:05:22This is the Lexus GSF
00:05:26And straightaway we can see that it isn't an especially handsome car
00:05:32And it's a Lexus which marks its owner out as a golf enthusiast and possibly a bore
00:05:38And things are worse when you try to live with it for a while
00:05:46The most annoying thing apart from the buttons on the steering wheel all of which seem to retune the radio to a station
00:05:52You don't like very much part from that every time you reach for a can of zesty drink in the cup holder
00:05:59I've done it again
00:06:02You can't help but nudge the mouse which sets the destination on the sat nav to where you are
00:06:10In 300 yards, right turn
00:06:12They don't need to be told how to get here. I'm already here
00:06:16Next right, then right turn
00:06:18Oh god now it's trying to make me go back there a few yards
00:06:22I was there!
00:06:25So, apart from a fiddly and annoying sat nav
00:06:29Next right, then right turn
00:06:31What else do you get for your £70,000?
00:06:36Eh, not much really
00:06:39You don't get Wi-Fi or Apple CarPlay or gesture control
00:06:44You don't even get a DSG gearbox
00:06:48Seats don't massage you as you drive along
00:06:50It can't park itself
00:06:53But you do get a DVD player
00:06:55And how 1996 is that?
00:07:00This car, then, is sparsely equipped and annoying
00:07:04However, it's also rather good
00:07:14First of all, there's the engine
00:07:18BMW and Mercedes both use turbocharging to balance the need for power with the need for good emissions
00:07:26But this doesn't
00:07:28This mixes the fuel with the air and then, with no trickery at all, blows it up
00:07:35Of course, that does mean the GSF isn't very kind to animals
00:07:46And that's a bad thing, make no mistake
00:07:51But on the upside, listen to the noise it makes
00:08:00At medium revs, it sounds baleful like a lonely dog
00:08:05But when you build the revs up, it sounds like what it is
00:08:11A normally aspirated 5-litre V8
00:08:19It doesn't produce anything like the power or the torque
00:08:24You get from its turbocharged German rivals
00:08:26But for sheer excitement
00:08:32It's like being tickled by a goddess
00:08:35And it's not exactly slow
00:08:41It does 0-60 in 4 and a half seconds
00:08:48And flat out, it'll do nearly 170 miles an hour
00:08:54And then, there's the handling
00:08:57It's hard to believe that this is a large and extremely comfortable five-seater
00:09:12With a boot that's big enough for your golf bats and all your freemasonry paraphernalia
00:09:17Because it feels like a sports car
00:09:20You can change the way the car behaves with various knobs here and buttons here
00:09:30But I've got everything turned off so I can get a feel for how the car behaves without an electronic safety blanket
00:09:38And I like it!
00:09:40And I like it!
00:09:41Look at that!
00:09:42Steering's not brilliant at low speeds, but when you've got the arse hanging out like that
00:09:53It's fantastic!
00:09:54It's time for another zesty drink!
00:09:55Oh, damn it!
00:09:56In 300 yards...
00:09:57I know where I am!
00:09:58Next, right.
00:09:59Next, right.
00:10:00Then, right turn.
00:10:01Oh, for God's sake!
00:10:02For living with, on a day-to-day basis, German cars are far better
00:10:05But as a driving car, it's not brilliant at low speeds
00:10:06It's not brilliant at low speeds, but when you've got the arse hanging out like that
00:10:07It's fantastic!
00:10:13It's time for another zesty drink!
00:10:15Oh, damn it!
00:10:17In 300 yards...
00:10:18I know where I am!
00:10:19Next, right.
00:10:20Then, right turn.
00:10:22Oh, for God's sake!
00:10:25For living with, on a day-to-day basis, German cars are far better
00:10:30But as a driving machine, and you may find this conclusion surprising
00:10:35I think the GSF has them licked
00:10:39Oh, damn it!
00:10:40Yeah!
00:10:41Oh, damn it!
00:10:42Oh, damn it!
00:10:43Now.
00:10:44Now, I should point out there is a new BMW M5 coming later this year.
00:10:48Yeah.
00:10:49But it'll have to go some to be better than that GSF.
00:10:51It really will.
00:10:52Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:10:53Now, I should point out there is a new BMW M5 coming later this year, but it'll have to go some to be better than that GSF, it really will.
00:11:04Yeah, but exactly how many animals were harmed in the making of this?
00:11:09A lot.
00:11:10One of them was a tortoise.
00:11:12I know. Let's gloss over that, OK?
00:11:14And let's find out now how fast the Lexus goes around the Ebola-drome.
00:11:18And that, of course, means handing it over to a man who thinks that fruit is from the Soviet Union.
00:11:25Yep, it's the American.
00:11:29He's coiled and ready.
00:11:32And he's off, unleashing all the 471 whaling horsepower for the first sprint of the Isnt Straight.
00:11:41What the hell does all this shit do in here?
00:11:44All he needs is two pedals and a wheel to unleash the full shock and oar.
00:11:49Traction control?
00:11:50If you want something with a mind of its own, get a horse. Get married.
00:11:56Fortunately, he doesn't need the electronic nannies.
00:11:59Pushing it hard up to your name here and now leaning on the mighty Brembo brakes.
00:12:05Gentle now, letting the torque venturing diff do its thing.
00:12:09And then back on the throttle so that mighty V8 can sing its song once more.
00:12:14If it'll let me bring my gun, I'd have probably shot myself by now.
00:12:19And that would be a waste of great talent.
00:12:22Right, another fast dash up the Isnt.
00:12:25And now shifting rapidly down the eight-speed automatic as he arrives at Old Lady's house.
00:12:31Feeding it precisely through there on this damp track before opening it up for the broken surface down to substation.
00:12:39Giving the fixed-wreck dampers a good workout here.
00:12:43Two corners left.
00:12:45Tidy through there.
00:12:47Just field of sheep to go.
00:12:49And he's right on the edge of the grip and across the line.
00:12:53It does look good.
00:12:58It does look good.
00:12:59It does look good and it do.
00:13:00Aha!
00:13:01Well, now, let's find out where it goes on the lapboard.
00:13:06Remember, it was damp.
00:13:07Uh, what now?
00:13:09Go.
00:13:10Oh, wow.
00:13:11Wow.
00:13:12So it's slower than an already out-of-date BMW.
00:13:14It makes you look like a Freemason and it causes animals to explode.
00:13:19Yes.
00:13:20Yes.
00:13:21Yes, it's just another of your excellent recommendations, Jeremy.
00:13:23Thank you very much for that, but never mind.
00:13:25Yes, thank you very much indeed.
00:13:26And now we must move on because it is time to set the sat-nav for destination.
00:13:30Chat as we head down Conversation Street.
00:13:34LAUGHTER
00:13:35APPLAUSE
00:13:36That hurt.
00:13:37Well, it didn't hurt as much as the wine bottle last week.
00:13:53Uh, now, Mercedes.
00:13:55They've come up with this plan or this idea
00:13:58where you can rent your car out when you're not using it.
00:14:02Is that a bit like, um, Airbnb?
00:14:05Exactly like Airbnb.
00:14:06The thing Mercedes haven't realised is that we,
00:14:09and I'm sure you all agree with me on this,
00:14:11we form an emotional bond with our car.
00:14:13Yeah, we're attached to them.
00:14:14Exactly.
00:14:15So you're renting it to someone else.
00:14:16It'd be like renting out your pet.
00:14:17Yeah.
00:14:18Or your penis.
00:14:19Yes.
00:14:20I mean, yes.
00:14:21I'm attached to it.
00:14:22I mean, that's what I mean.
00:14:23Yes, you wouldn't want to see someone...
00:14:24Well, we don't so.
00:14:25You wouldn't want to see somebody else having fun with it.
00:14:28No, it's mine!
00:14:29Exactly.
00:14:30Exactly.
00:14:31That's what I'm wondering about.
00:14:32Mercedes has obviously got it into its head,
00:14:34and this really worries me because it's a large car company.
00:14:37That cars are just tools like microwave ovens or fridge freezers
00:14:41that we're just sort of glad...
00:14:42Oh, yeah, you can borrow, I don't really care.
00:14:44No, you're absolutely right, actually, they are very emotional
00:14:46because, you know, if you have a car, eventually you sell it,
00:14:49but then you see somebody else driving around in it.
00:14:52That always feels bad.
00:14:53It's a bit like watching your ex-girlfriend do sex with someone else.
00:14:57No, and after a terrible evening in a wardrobe, I know.
00:15:04It's strangely undermining.
00:15:08I'm sorry to interrupt, but you can see those circles in the lake just there.
00:15:11Monster!
00:15:12Monster!
00:15:13It's a monster!
00:15:14I just saw...
00:15:15Did anyone else see that?
00:15:16Monster!
00:15:17Monster!
00:15:18It's real.
00:15:19Well, hang on, why don't we just...
00:15:20Since we can't agree on this, is there a monster in the lock?
00:15:24Yes!
00:15:25Right, there you go.
00:15:26They live here, they would know.
00:15:28And if there were no monster, what would you do for a tourist industry up here?
00:15:32Sell tea towels without monsters on them!
00:15:34No, I'm not having that, because what you're saying is that, you know,
00:15:37come to beautiful Scotland, as you've said, lovely roads, lovely scenery,
00:15:40there's a hotel of beautiful...
00:15:41Why would they say, yeah, but there's a monster?
00:15:44That would be like saying, come to Yorkshire, it's beautiful, we've got the plague, you know?
00:15:48And they wouldn't do that.
00:15:49We've got distracted a little bit.
00:15:51We have got a bit off topic.
00:15:52What were we talking about?
00:15:53No, we were talking about him, hiding in a wardrobe, watching an ex-girlfriend,
00:15:57having sex...
00:15:58That was an overshare.
00:15:59It was a bit of an overshare.
00:16:00It was either that or he'd rented his penis out, I can't remember.
00:16:04Something along those lines.
00:16:06But actually, there's a point I just want to make on this,
00:16:08about this emotional connection we have with our cars.
00:16:10Because you know when you scrap a car, I don't know if anyone's done that,
00:16:12it really is very tragic when you watch a car that you've got all those shared memories going into the crusher.
00:16:17It's the end of the road.
00:16:18It is the end of the road.
00:16:19Well, there's this thing, a new organisation, it's called Charity Car,
00:16:22where you can give your car to them, they deal with all the paperwork and what have you,
00:16:25take your car away, yeah?
00:16:27And then they give the money that they raise to a charity of your choice.
00:16:31Well, that's quite a nice idea.
00:16:32It is a nice idea.
00:16:33So that, you know, it's sad that your old car's gone, but now, you know, a donkey can be rescued.
00:16:40And your car lives on in the smile of an abandoned donkey.
00:16:43That's a beautiful thing, that's what we're about.
00:16:46That's what this show is, it's all heart.
00:16:48Yeah.
00:16:49That's what we are.
00:16:50Heart and road safety, those are the two pillars that underpin everything really on this show.
00:16:56I've got some conversation for you, yes, which is that there's a website that tells you
00:17:00how many of any given type of car are still left on the roads of Britain today, yes?
00:17:05And I'm afraid we have some sad news.
00:17:07Yeah, we do.
00:17:08This is a big worry.
00:17:09You remember the Citroen Saxo VTS?
00:17:11Yeah?
00:17:12There it is.
00:17:13The car of the Agrio.
00:17:14It is.
00:17:15The ideal car to nip out and steal a chainsaw in.
00:17:17Fabulous.
00:17:18Proper, fizzy little hatchback.
00:17:20Loved it.
00:17:21Well, in 2008, there were 5,000 of them on the road.
00:17:24This year, 491 left on the road.
00:17:27Right.
00:17:28And in fact, I know this is a worry.
00:17:29We've done it.
00:17:30Look, we've got a little chart.
00:17:31We've drawn this up.
00:17:32At that rate, by 2019, they'll all have gone.
00:17:36There's also the Vauxhall Calibra 16 valve.
00:17:39There's a picture of it.
00:17:40We used to love that.
00:17:41You know, there are only 323 of those left and they could be extinct within a year.
00:17:48But you know what's interesting is there are people all over the world working hard to save the tiger from extinction.
00:17:55But nobody is doing anything to save the Vauxhall Calibra 16 valve.
00:18:00We've identified something here.
00:18:01No, there isn't.
00:18:02However, there is some good news in all of this.
00:18:04The Morris Ital.
00:18:05175,000 of these turds, or I know, were squeezed out by the Austin.
00:18:14And in 2015, there were only 35 left.
00:18:19Yes!
00:18:20Now you can see it!
00:18:22That is good news.
00:18:23It's good news.
00:18:24Only 35 on the road.
00:18:27Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:18:31You're absolutely right.
00:18:32But before you celebrate, yes, 35 left on the road in 2015.
00:18:36Mm-hmm.
00:18:37In 2016, there were 47.
00:18:40What?
00:18:41So they're going up?
00:18:42Are they meeting?
00:18:43No.
00:18:44No.
00:18:45I think people are restoring them.
00:18:47What people?
00:18:48Mad people.
00:18:49Anyway, look.
00:18:50No, you're possibly right, but I've done a calculation.
00:18:52And at that rate, that's a 34% increase in just one year.
00:18:55And at that rate, by the year 2044, all 175,000...
00:19:01...Maurice Ital's will be back on the road.
00:19:04Oh, my God.
00:19:05This is a disaster.
00:19:06It is.
00:19:07That, ladies and gentlemen, is Brexit.
00:19:09That's what they want.
00:19:11Backwards with Britain.
00:19:13It is time now, since we've reached the end of Conversation Street,
00:19:17to select reverse and have a look at this.
00:19:19This is the Bentley Bent-Ager.
00:19:22A massive, luxurious, four-wheel-drive SUV shooting brake.
00:19:28Question is, is it any good?
00:19:31Or is it a load of...
00:19:33What's the word?
00:19:41Well, to find out, James brought it here,
00:19:44to the German Alps.
00:19:49Right, I'll get straight to the point.
00:19:51It is tremendous.
00:19:55The important thing to remember about this car is this.
00:19:57It's not an off-roader.
00:19:59It's not an SUV.
00:20:01First and foremost, it's a Bentley.
00:20:04That's what this car is about.
00:20:06I'm already loving it.
00:20:11But then, guess what?
00:20:14The problem is that a bare-bones Bentley costs £160,000.
00:20:20And for £12,000 less than that, you can have this.
00:20:24An all-singing, all-dancing, everything fitted as standard,
00:20:315-litre supercharged Range Rover.
00:20:34Or, for £120,000 less than that, you can have this.
00:20:39The new Jaguar F-Pace.
00:20:41And it's not like this thing is a garden shed.
00:20:46It's got loads of clever stuff on it.
00:20:48So, if you're coming back from the shops
00:20:50with your arms full of heavy bags,
00:20:52you can open the boot with your foot.
00:20:54Go back and do that with a Range Rover.
00:20:56Yes, but it's £120,000 more.
00:20:58And you don't get one of these.
00:21:01What is it?
00:21:02It's a waterproof, go-anywhere bracelet
00:21:04that you use to lock and unlock it
00:21:08and start the engine.
00:21:09So, you don't need to carry keys in your pocket.
00:21:12That...
00:21:13That's actually quite a good idea, isn't it?
00:21:15I know, it's brilliant.
00:21:16How do you charge it up?
00:21:17I don't know.
00:21:18Maybe it's like one of those watches?
00:21:20Oh, hello.
00:21:21Oh.
00:21:22Puff Daddy is arriving.
00:21:24I think he's wearing a chain.
00:21:28You know that thing costs four times more than the Jag.
00:21:31And it's not like the badges are that different, is it?
00:21:33That Jag is...
00:21:36a car.
00:21:37This is more of a statement.
00:21:39This is a new way of understanding the condition of being human.
00:21:42It is the last word in luxury.
00:21:44It's a very expensive statement, though, isn't it?
00:21:46I mean, if you've got the money to buy that,
00:21:48you could buy the Jag and still have £130,000 to spend on a PR agent
00:21:52to put you on breakfast TV talking about how great you are.
00:21:55It cost £130,000 more for a reason.
00:21:57Jags are for deluded middle-aged men
00:21:59who entertain tragic fantasies about being Lotharios.
00:22:02I know I've had four of them.
00:22:03If you're talking about brands with delusion...
00:22:05Hello, Bentley, that's what it means.
00:22:07Guys!
00:22:08What?
00:22:09We are not going to sort this out in a car park.
00:22:11We need to go for a drive,
00:22:13and I have worked out a route on this map here, OK?
00:22:17We are in the village of Vank,
00:22:20and we'll go from Vank to kissing,
00:22:25then on to petting,
00:22:27then this place,
00:22:30and then wedding.
00:22:33So, Vank, kissing, petting, f***ing, wedding.
00:22:36Yes.
00:22:37It'll be a journey through life without leaving Central Europe.
00:22:41Yeah, it will. Let's do it.
00:22:43Very excited, we set off on what the Germans call
00:22:48the Romantic Road.
00:22:54So, we are leaving the town of Vank.
00:22:57What's that? Thank you for... what?
00:23:00Oh, yeah.
00:23:05And after just a few minutes,
00:23:07something very unusual happened.
00:23:10Guys,
00:23:13I can't think of anything to say.
00:23:16What a relief.
00:23:18No, but I really can't,
00:23:19because if you want a large luxury off-roader,
00:23:24you buy a Range Rover.
00:23:25The end.
00:23:27The end.
00:23:28Move on.
00:23:31James, however,
00:23:32had lots to say about his Bentayga.
00:23:35Hey, chaps, did you know the stereo in my car has got 18 speakers?
00:23:41Is that all?
00:23:42Mine's got 27.
00:23:44Yeah, all plain rubbish.
00:23:47Thanks, Hammond.
00:23:49Actually, 27 speakers is not the point.
00:23:51My car's stereo produces 1,950 watts,
00:23:56making it the most powerful stereo ever put in a car.
00:23:59In fact, it's about the only thing in here that does make a noise.
00:24:06This is a little bit like driving along in the British Library.
00:24:10It's very quiet.
00:24:11It's very refined.
00:24:12The carpets are very thick.
00:24:16Which means you simply aren't ready for what happens when you put your foot down.
00:24:20This has an all-new W12 600 horsepower engine,
00:24:31and it's like being in a leather-trimmed volcanic eruption.
00:24:36It doesn't accelerate.
00:24:37It goes on.
00:24:42Bloody Nora.
00:24:45Sadly, at this point, Jeremy thought of something to say.
00:24:48See that? That's the prison where Hitler wrote Mein Kampf.
00:24:57Yeah, where are you going with that?
00:25:02Nowhere, really.
00:25:04Just thought you might like to know.
00:25:06Good. Let's get back to the cars.
00:25:09Now, you might be thinking that because Jaguar is owned by the same company that owned Land Rover,
00:25:14this is just a Freelander with a Jaguar badge on it.
00:25:18But it's not.
00:25:20Underneath is the same basic aluminium structure you find under a Jaguar XE,
00:25:25which is a fantastic car.
00:25:27So that's good.
00:25:28I do only get a 3-litre supercharged V6, which means 375 brake horsepower.
00:25:35That's 225 less than James's, let's be honest, leather-lined Audi Q7.
00:25:41But this is light, so it ain't no slouch.
00:25:45I like the way this thing handles itself. I like the way when you change direction, when you turn, it controls its weight, what there is of it, across the axles.
00:25:57That makes it feel nimble, eager.
00:26:00Doesn't feel like I'm sitting in a stately home falling off a cliff.
00:26:03Soon, James was in my way.
00:26:12Oh, look!
00:26:14Hey, James, you should be up where I am. You can see Buckingham Palace.
00:26:17Oh, no, it's the back of your car.
00:26:20I like it when my man is following me. Do you have all the luggage and things for the weekend?
00:26:24Come on, James.
00:26:28You might have all the horsepower in the world, but what you are is in the way.
00:26:36Stay with that, Murdingham boy.
00:26:47James, are you worried all your furniture will slide about if you go any faster?
00:26:54Oh, tunnel. Excellent. I have important work to do.
00:27:08Obviously, the plebs make such a noise about everything.
00:27:12That is putting the S back in SUV. This is a sporty, sports utility vehicle.
00:27:18And the sport is not fishing.
00:27:21Sadly, our playtime was then interrupted by a worrying call from Clarkson.
00:27:28Um, guys, we've had a text from Mr. Willman.
00:27:32Oh, God. What does it say?
00:27:35It said that to sort out the performance differences, we should go to a nearby airstrip,
00:27:41where he'd laid on some competition.
00:27:45So we did.
00:27:50Chaps, this is what we're up against. BMW X5 M.
00:27:594.4 litre, twin turbocharged, 567 horsepower. That is fairly serious competition.
00:28:05If you think about it, it's going to be Britain versus Germany.
00:28:10Well, not really. Your two cars are Indian and mine's German as well.
00:28:14All right, it's going to be India versus Germany and I shall be victorious in my mighty, lighty Jaguar.
00:28:20Right.
00:28:21Well, you see, you won't be. Not in a million years.
00:28:23Sorry about wasting your time with this race.
00:28:34You could launch a car that does a million miles an hour and costs eight pence and runs on water and people would still buy Range Rovers.
00:28:43Because why would you not?
00:28:47OK, air conditioning is off.
00:28:50It's in dynamic mode.
00:28:52Gearbox is in sport.
00:28:54Come on, little Jag.
00:28:55So I'm not really worried about Pinky and Perky's challenge, but the BMW does worry me. Almost as much power, very obviously lighter.
00:29:06A lot of well-to-do people in Britain will want to know the result of this race before they choose what colour Range Rover they'd like for next year's shooting season.
00:29:14Where's the Bentley gone?
00:29:38I'm losing, everybody.
00:29:46Come on.
00:29:48150. Oh, no! Oh, no! Where's he getting that from?
00:29:53Easy.
00:30:00Last. Stone. Dead. Last.
00:30:05Bugger it.
00:30:08Yes, yes. Well done, James.
00:30:09Oh, who knew if you spend four times as much on a car, you'd get one that's a tiny bit faster than another.
00:30:15You two just haven't got the message, have you?
00:30:18What, that you lost?
00:30:20Yeah.
00:30:21Well, no, the message is very clear. Underpants, OK?
00:30:25You can buy a cheap pair from a market stall, or you can buy an expensive pair with gold thread in them,
00:30:30or you can do what everyone does, you go to Marks & Spencer's.
00:30:34And Marks & Spencer's, if you're watching this not in the UK, is where we all buy our pants from.
00:30:39Well, I don't.
00:30:40Yeah.
00:30:44After the race, we resumed our journey, and Richard and James resumed their bickering.
00:30:50What does F-Pace mean? It sounds like a domestic cleaning product.
00:30:55I think your Bentley would look better with alabaster lions instead of door mirrors.
00:31:00I was going to ask if the glove box is permanently locked shut in the Jag, because that's where you keep your wallet.
00:31:06The front of your Bentley looks silly.
00:31:09It looks a bit dark.
00:31:11And why was it you didn't get Brian Sewell's old job?
00:31:15Does the options list for your Bentley Bentayga include all paintings of imaginary ancestors?
00:31:21I apologise for the noises these two are making. I realise you're all sitting at home going,
00:31:25What are they on about? I just want the Range Rover. Of course you do.
00:31:30The only reason you buy the Bentley is because your hip-hop record has gone to number one.
00:31:35And the only reason you buy the Jag is because you can't afford a Range Rover.
00:31:41Since Jeremy had brought up the subject of money...
00:31:45I don't know how they can sell you one of these from £34,000.
00:31:50And this one, with everything on it, quite apart from a V6 supercharged engine,
00:31:54it's got leather, everything, iPhone connectivity, radar distance control, voice control,
00:32:00the electric boot, magic key you wear on your wrist, all of that still only costs £51,000.
00:32:06How do they do that? Next to everything else, it suddenly looks like the bargain of the century.
00:32:11Jeremy, this car is better than yours.
00:32:14Well, no.
00:32:16It just isn't, is it?
00:32:18You're being a... what's the word?
00:32:20We then flashed through the village of Kissing, getting it over with as quickly as possible.
00:32:33Then we went through petting.
00:32:37And to make sure we reached, erm, third base before bedtime, we decided to set our sat-navs.
00:32:44Please name the country.
00:32:49Austria.
00:32:51Please name the city.
00:32:53Fu... King.
00:32:56Excuse me.
00:33:00OK.
00:33:02Sorry.
00:33:04OK.
00:33:06OK.
00:33:08Sorry.
00:33:10Is your destination Selking?
00:33:13No.
00:33:15Fu... King.
00:33:17Kraking has been accepted.
00:33:19Which street should I select?
00:33:21Hucking!
00:33:24Sorry.
00:33:26I can't say it. People are listening.
00:33:29Hucking.
00:33:31Sorry.
00:33:32Thankfully, Hammond decided to program his bargain basement system manually.
00:33:38F...
00:33:40U...
00:33:42U...
00:33:44U...
00:33:45U...
00:33:47U...
00:33:49It's gone in!
00:33:51And soon, we cross the border into Austria.
00:33:55It's very, very pretty, Austria.
00:33:59No idea why Hitler was in such a bad mood.
00:34:06Eventually, we arrived...
00:34:09Erm...
00:34:11Here.
00:34:13Is this the climax of this stage of our journey?
00:34:16Is it all it's cracked up to be? That's what I want to know.
00:34:20Because often, it can be a disappointment the first time you go there.
00:34:24First time I came here, I couldn't find the way in.
00:34:30Once we'd arrived in...
00:34:34James was very keen we should get in the back of his Bentley.
00:34:40What's really incongruous about this, I think, is that you're very obviously in a Bentley.
00:34:43All this looks very Bentley until you look down here and you see these symbols on this control knob.
00:34:49And it's very obviously a serious off-roader.
00:34:52Oh, what? Those symbols? So you can set it for swamp, minefield, Christmas or Mexico.
00:34:57Nice.
00:34:59Shall I tell you something interesting about the wood, or one of the woods you can have in this?
00:35:02It only grows on a cliff face in Asia.
00:35:05And the way they get it is they have to abseil down it with their woodworking tools.
00:35:09Why don't they just use wood from a tree that grows in a field?
00:35:13Is everything standard in here?
00:35:15No. No? No.
00:35:17So how much is this car?
00:35:19This particular one is £212,000.
00:35:22What?!
00:35:24So that means the extras in this car cost more than Hammond's entire Jaguar.
00:35:30How much is your Jag?
00:35:31Is that the same?
00:35:32Well, that Jag with all the extras...
00:35:34That is £51,450.
00:35:36And this has got £52,000 of extras in it.
00:35:40It's just a little bit more on extras than the entire Jag.
00:35:44It's great value.
00:35:45Can I just say, James?
00:35:48Yes, do.
00:35:50I do quite like the interior of this car.
00:35:52No, I do.
00:35:53I'll be honest with you.
00:35:54I like the quilted leather.
00:35:55I like the wood that comes from a cliff.
00:35:57And all of that.
00:35:59But the exterior, I'm sorry, it's hideous.
00:36:02Ugly. Pig ugly.
00:36:03Yeah, well, hang on a minute.
00:36:05Because, do you remember, and it is a long time ago, when the Continental GT first came out, we all thought that was hideous.
00:36:11It was.
00:36:12And now, we all love it. It's one of the few things we agree on.
00:36:14Yes, yes, that's true.
00:36:16But I think this is more like you.
00:36:18When I first met you, I thought you were ugly.
00:36:21And now, I still think you're ugly.
00:36:23A crushing criticism from one so handsome.
00:36:31James.
00:36:32What?
00:36:33Unlock the doors.
00:36:36James, please unlock the doors.
00:36:39We're in this place.
00:36:42In the back of a car.
00:36:44Together.
00:36:50It is remarkable, isn't it?
00:36:52All those place, I'm sure, all those place names are real.
00:36:56They are real. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:36:57They really are.
00:36:58Those place names are real.
00:37:01Anyway, we'll pick up that pointless test later on.
00:37:03It's not pointless.
00:37:04Yes, it is.
00:37:05I already explained it perfectly well with the underpants thing.
00:37:08And I shall be explaining using more demonstrations later on.
00:37:11Oh, good.
00:37:12But now, it is time for Celebrity Brain Crash!
00:37:16Yes!
00:37:17Yes!
00:37:26Now, our guest, our guest today, he directed Batman, Planet of the Apes, Edward Scissorhands.
00:37:33And after last week's mine disaster, he's decided to come to the studio underneath the mines in a miniature submarine.
00:37:42Ladies and gentlemen, Tim Burton!
00:37:48Here is the submarine.
00:37:49There he is.
00:37:51Sneaking underneath the mines as he heads cleverly towards us.
00:37:57He's out there somewhere.
00:37:58He's out there somewhere.
00:37:59This is fantastic.
00:38:00What are we going to talk to him about when he gets there?
00:38:01There's so much.
00:38:02What do you want to ask him?
00:38:03I want to ask him about The Nightmare Before Christmas.
00:38:05It's my favourite Christmas film.
00:38:06Is it?
00:38:07Yeah.
00:38:08I want to know what it's like to work with Johnny Depp.
00:38:10Yeah, there's a lot to talk to.
00:38:11There is an awful...
00:38:12Oh, hello.
00:38:14We've lost the feed, somehow, from the sub.
00:38:18Oh, my God, all my...
00:38:19Oh, my God!
00:38:21Oh, no!
00:38:23Oh!
00:38:26There's obviously been a catastrophic failure with the submarine.
00:38:30No idea what could have caused it.
00:38:32The monster's bitten it!
00:38:34For the hundredth time, Hammond, there is no such thing...
00:38:39...as The Nightmare's Master.
00:38:43Does that mean he's not coming on, then?
00:38:46Well, James, his lungs are filled with icy water,
00:38:48he's sunk to the bottom,
00:38:49and his body has been compressed to the size of a ping-pong ball.
00:38:53So that is a no.
00:38:54It's okay, though, because we have a back-up plan.
00:38:57Really?
00:38:58Yes, they're filmed in.
00:38:59See, the thing is, these days,
00:39:01a lot of performance cars have launch control.
00:39:04Ah, yes, yes.
00:39:05And the way it works is,
00:39:06you put your foot on the throttle and the brake at the same time,
00:39:09and the car's computer works out exactly how many revs you need,
00:39:13and exactly how much wheelspin to give the car,
00:39:15so that you get an absolutely perfect start
00:39:17as soon as you just take your foot off the brake.
00:39:20Yeah, and we were wondering,
00:39:21just when exactly can you use that?
00:39:23Yeah, because if you're sitting in a town centre,
00:39:25there's a set of lights going,
00:39:26it's a bit rude,
00:39:29it is,
00:39:30as this short film explains.
00:39:32coconut milk latte with a caramel shot please
00:40:02the
00:40:06the
00:40:09the
00:40:14the
00:40:17the
00:40:22the
00:40:24Oh
00:40:54You
00:41:09Can't even use launch control on a racetrack because you can only engage it for three or four seconds before it cuts out
00:41:15And because you don't know when the lights are gonna go green
00:41:18You don't know when you're three or four seconds
00:41:20Exactly, which is why we have decided it is the most pointless invention ever
00:41:25Yes, I'm talking of pointless. Let's get back to our film
00:41:30We're road testing a Range Rover and some other cars
00:41:33We began in the in the German village of Venk and the plan was to go through kissing and petting
00:41:39Towards wedding, which was our destination. Yes, and we pick up the action having decided to spend the night in
00:41:51We woke the next morning in this dew-kissed village
00:41:57And over a rather awkward breakfast Clarkson made an announcement
00:42:05I don't mean to be hurtful or disrespectful
00:42:10But um
00:42:12Well, go on spit it out. Well, it's just because we've been here
00:42:16Doesn't mean we necessarily have to go on to wedding. No
00:42:21It's me. It's not you
00:42:24No, he's right
00:42:26It's been going so well
00:42:28And if we go on to wedding we'll have to carry on and on and on through routine
00:42:35boredom
00:42:36resentment
00:42:38Spare bedroom
00:42:39Temptation
00:42:40Affair
00:42:41Discovery
00:42:43Remorse
00:42:44Revenge
00:42:45Divorce
00:42:46And then it's death or you could turn off
00:42:49Through online dating
00:42:51Meaningless sex bottomless regret financial ruination and then heart attack and then then you end up at death anyway
00:42:59Exactly Hammond and that's why I'm suggesting that instead of going to
00:43:04Wedding we go to the nurburgring
00:43:09Because James's car was the only one that spoke german he set the sat nav
00:43:15zeal I'm gaben
00:43:17Nurburgring
00:43:19And then we set off
00:43:28Soon we were on germany's autobahs which got us thinking about how sensible they are
00:43:36And here we are on the autobahn no speed limits
00:43:40Is it chaos? No
00:43:41If you remove the speed limits
00:43:45People don't all suddenly drive into bridge supports at 200 miles an hour
00:43:50We're not that stupid just as if you leave the gate unlocked at the lion enclosure at a safari park
00:43:56We don't all run in and have a picnic
00:44:01In the last 15 years britain's economy has grown by 58 percent
00:44:07Whereas germany's has grown by 102 percent
00:44:11And that's because we're all doing 20 miles an hour and they're doing 200
00:44:16Speed is good for business
00:44:19And it saves lives as well
00:44:21Because if you think about it when we drive down the motorway in britain
00:44:24We're looking at all the gantries to see if they have speed cameras or we're looking at our speedometers to make sure we're not breaking the limit
00:44:31We're not looking where we're going
00:44:34Heavily enforced speed limits kill people
00:44:39The autobahn also got us thinking about how times have changed on the suv front
00:44:44It is amazing really that an off-road vehicle can feel this stable this planted i think the word is because it's not that long ago
00:44:54Think about early range rovers and the like going fast was actually quite frightening
00:44:59They had stickers on the sun visors do you remember with a picture of the car toppling over avoid sudden swerves
00:45:06Yes, you're i've completely forgotten about that sticker but you're right it did
00:45:10It's if you operate the steering wheel this vehicle will fall over
00:45:16Chaps
00:45:19There are no speed limits right so we are allowed to go as fast as our cars will go
00:45:24But who dares actually do that who dares go the fastest
00:45:32Hang on james help yourself
00:45:35There you go 187 top speed really thing is you were behind me when you started and you still are behind me
00:45:47I did 190 oh for god's sake you didn't that's faster than your car will go
00:45:55In order to put a stop to this nonsense i made us pull in at the next service station
00:46:00Right small cameras we fix these to the dash where they can see the speedo and then there's no cheating
00:46:08Why have you got a dog?
00:46:11I shall show you follow me
00:46:14If you want a pet you can have something expensive like an iguana with a silver necklace
00:46:20Or you can have something cheap like a ant
00:46:23What's that that's and or you can use your common sense and have a leopard dog
00:46:37With my clever demonstration over we got back on the motorway and mounted hammond's honesty cameras
00:46:44I've got a good way of cheating still
00:46:48Because if i push this button here watch my speedometer changes to kilometers an hour he'll never know
00:46:55And jeremy while you're setting your camera up don't think about changing your display to kilometers an hour so you get a bigger number
00:47:09It was now time to begin the speed trials
00:47:14There we go going for a big one into a world of speed and glory
00:47:25Come on audi you must be able to see me
00:47:28Come on come on come on
00:47:31To the way and you in the audi come on
00:47:36As the traffic eased hammond was knocking on the door of 150 miles an hour
00:47:41That's 148 49 and i2 was getting close
00:47:49150 coming up
00:47:50150 any minute now come on stretch it stretch it stretch it stretch it stretch it
00:47:57Sadly it was hard to say how fast james was going because he's an imbecile
00:48:01Oh yeah big numbers coming up gotta be 151
00:48:16Shit why won't you go any faster than that come on why won't you go any faster than 148
00:48:25eventually heavy traffic ended this important test
00:48:38right as we are in a traffic jam i may as well give you the results of who dares wins
00:48:46richard hammond
00:48:48155 miles an hour
00:48:50i'm maxed the range rover at 149 and james may because he's a blithering idiot
00:48:566 000 rpm
00:48:58the idiot's car had also drained its tank so while he was filling up i set up another of my clever demonstrations
00:49:13gentlemen observe you can buy very expensive sunglasses these ones are made from real gold
00:49:19or you can buy very cheap sunglasses but what do we all do we all have ray-bans
00:49:25you do know you're just being irritating don't you all you've actually told us about your car is
00:49:33something to do with underpants iguanas and sunglasses i'm just saying well don't
00:49:41back on the move we continue to follow james on our journey to the nurburgring
00:49:46but after a while i started to worry
00:49:50where's it going why have we turned off the motorway
00:50:03james what well i'm going to get straight to the point this is not the nurburgring
00:50:11it's nuremberg
00:50:19ah well yes there's no all well about it no the thing is i can't actually speak german i can only
00:50:25say the bit about hands being wet because he's standing under a waterfall but nurburgring is the
00:50:29same in english as it is in german but i did it with voice control in german with my car is set to german
00:50:35and i said nurburgring and it went blink and i said yes but it's a similar name don't blame the car
00:50:40i didn't pronounce it proper maybe i don't know of our names because they both begin with g look
00:50:45let's not get all bogged down with who's been a massive idiot and despite what he claims can't do
00:50:51anything properly nothing let's instead look for a racetrack near here why don't we try and find one
00:50:56and that is exactly what hammond did
00:51:14where well it's all around you look i've marked it out look goes around there and up there and along
00:51:20there and then down there and around there it's not really a track is it no it's better it's
00:51:26rally this will be the first ever nuremberg rally well not the absolute first ever he's right
00:51:36do you imagine if we did motorcycling around here it would be the first ever nuremberg trials
00:51:42we can give it a go let's not run before we can walk hey since hammond's course featured twisting
00:51:50bends loose surfaces shear drops and piles of enormous rocks everywhere some practice laps were in order
00:52:03slight slow there because i go around a dusty one and then this is i've no idea
00:52:08danger right i'll take note of that don't want to fall off there oh shit i really don't want to fall off
00:52:19there now this bit is really scary oh yeah that's a bit of a trouser changer
00:52:27oh now this is quite interesting because in normal use all of the power is sent to the rear wheels
00:52:36in the jag but it can then send power up to 50 of it to the front wheels
00:52:43right now this is where i can go very wrong if i'm not careful oh
00:52:47shit clarkson meanwhile had decided he didn't need to have a practice
00:53:01what are you doing it's my baked beans demonstration for when hammond gets back
00:53:06because we've got cheap supermarket beans then expensive oh god i haven't got time for this
00:53:12and then in the middle the range rover with practice over hammond lined up on the beginning line
00:53:23for his timed lap richard hammond begin in three two go here we go
00:53:33now come on heaven to concentrate oh that was beautiful lift off oversteer
00:53:50a little bit of a break and then
00:53:56that's too fast there i just had a way right let's predict
00:54:02what he's saying in there he'll say the traction control won't be turned off properly
00:54:10because you can't turn the traction control off completely he'll say i need power and there
00:54:15isn't any come on where's the power give me power give me power now this one oh this is the really fast
00:54:29thing come on baby come on baby come on that's it give me power
00:54:36going in big speed here now brake early early early early early
00:54:41early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early early
00:55:11and across the line.
00:55:15Five minutes, 56 dead.
00:55:18Not good.
00:55:19Don't know.
00:55:215.56.
00:55:22Dead.
00:55:23Yes or no.
00:55:25Did you see me at that last bit?
00:55:27The traction control just wouldn't let me put the power down there at all.
00:55:29It stopped.
00:55:30Did you see me stop there?
00:55:34Why have you got a stopwatch?
00:55:36It's timing.
00:55:37No, no, no, no.
00:55:38Look.
00:55:39What date is it?
00:55:40April the 26th.
00:55:40Oh, yeah, yeah, okay.
00:55:42April the 26th.
00:55:43No, better idea.
00:55:44Why don't we just chalk marks on the roof for every day?
00:55:47Every time the sun comes up.
00:55:48Okay, another mark.
00:55:49Right.
00:55:51James May.
00:55:52You may begin in three, two, one, now.
00:55:57And May is off for Great Britain and Germany in the Bentley.
00:56:02He doesn't like heights.
00:56:04No, he doesn't like heights.
00:56:04He doesn't like speed.
00:56:06Or slippery stuff.
00:56:07So, everything he hates.
00:56:10Despite the hostile environment, I was determined to dig deep for the honour of the Bentley badge.
00:56:22Sliding, sliding, sliding.
00:56:26Yes, tarmac.
00:56:27Did it, did you hear that?
00:56:33That was tyre squeal.
00:56:35Death.
00:56:35From James May.
00:56:38Bit of beanage.
00:56:42Lock it down, a cog.
00:56:44Oh, my God.
00:56:47Blimey.
00:56:48That wasn't very James May's, was it?
00:56:50He'll have frightened himself to death.
00:56:52That's the dippy bit.
00:56:57Look at this.
00:57:09You've got air.
00:57:10You've got air.
00:57:11I think he's been committed.
00:57:14Jeremy, what if he beats me?
00:57:16If he beats you?
00:57:17Yeah.
00:57:18You'll die of shame and I'll die laughing.
00:57:21Yeah, okay.
00:57:22Try as he might, though, the old lady was losing time in the corners.
00:57:28Trouble is, it is a two and a half ton, fairly long car.
00:57:32And you can't change the laws of physics.
00:57:37Oh, that's not good.
00:57:41Oh, get it straight, come on.
00:57:46Oh, no, I overdid it.
00:57:47Six minutes, 16.
00:57:56So he was 16, 18 seconds slower than you, and his car is 212,000 pounds.
00:58:03Say some more of that stuff.
00:58:04Write it down.
00:58:07Finally, it was the turn of the best car here.
00:58:11Three, two, one, begin!
00:58:14He hasn't done a single practice lap.
00:58:21I mean, not one.
00:58:23Traction control off.
00:58:25That's better.
00:58:27And watch this!
00:58:31Flick it in.
00:58:32Nicely done.
00:58:33Flick it back the other way.
00:58:36While he's driving, what do we think he's been?
00:58:39Modest?
00:58:39Self-effacing?
00:58:41Quiet?
00:58:41I was going to say, he probably isn't saying anything.
00:58:43He's probably concentrating.
00:58:45Yes!
00:58:48Oh, God, I'm good at everything.
00:58:51However, in order to win this contest,
00:58:53I had no intention of relying only on my supreme skills.
00:58:59See, the thing is, the Jaguar and the Bentley
00:59:02were designed as road cars
00:59:05and then given some off-road ability.
00:59:09Whereas the Range Rover was designed as an off-road car
00:59:12and then given some ability to work on the road.
00:59:16It's only a subtle difference,
00:59:17but it means I don't have to follow the beaten track.
00:59:21I can take short-cuts.
00:59:30Such a clever car it really is.
00:59:33This car senses what sort of terrain it's driving over
00:59:39and then engages or disengages the differentials accordingly.
00:59:45You could not come up here in the Bentley or the Jaguar.
00:59:54It's quiet. I can't hear it.
00:59:55What's he in at the moment?
00:59:56A pair of pants, a tin of beans, a Labrador?
00:59:59Another stupid...
01:00:00You get ordinary ones, and mine's just the best.
01:00:06The Range Rover can wade through water nearly a metre deep.
01:00:12Look at that. Look at it.
01:00:15What a machine you are!
01:00:18Now we just pop back up the hill.
01:00:21Power! Power now!
01:00:25There he is.
01:00:26Hey, no, hang on a minute.
01:00:27There he is, he's there, look.
01:00:28No, but what?
01:00:32And across the line.
01:00:36He's almost two minutes quicker than you were.
01:00:40That's not possible.
01:00:45How did you do that?
01:00:46What?
01:00:47That.
01:00:47A, your car's all wet, which it shouldn't be,
01:00:50and you're almost two minutes faster than Hammond.
01:00:52Yes, but you see, the thing is,
01:00:54you can buy a cheap car, like a Jaguar,
01:00:57or you can buy an expensive car, like a Ben...
01:01:00Cheat, cheat, just cheated.
01:01:07A total waste of time, that whole film, total waste of time.
01:01:11Range Rover, two minutes faster.
01:01:12You cheated. Simple as that.
01:01:14Anyway, look, let's just, if we can just put the bickering aside for one moment,
01:01:18I have to say, that little Jag was, and it really was, brilliant,
01:01:22and it was designed by a local boy, Ian Callum, born in Dumfries.
01:01:26He didn't just do that.
01:01:27He also styled the Aston Martin DB7, the DB9, the Vanquish, the Ford Puma,
01:01:32the Escort Cosworth.
01:01:34Yeah, he's British, basically.
01:01:36Well, pretty much.
01:01:38He is.
01:01:38He is.
01:01:39Anyway, sadly, his new car isn't as good as a Range Rover.
01:01:43Don't argue, it isn't.
01:01:44And on that terrible disappointment for him, it's time to end.
01:01:48Thank you so much for watching.
01:01:49Thank you all so much for coming.
01:01:52We'll see you next time.
01:01:53Goodbye.
01:01:53Bye.
01:02:23Bye.
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