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00:00Oh, thanks. Oh my god, is that like a pile?
00:02It's a high chair, is what it is.
00:04LAUGHTER
00:06That's better.
00:07LAUGHTER
00:10But you look...
00:15It's like, we're on a seesaw.
00:17LAUGHTER
00:30Good evening, welcome to Hamlet.
00:39APPLAUSE
00:40Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.
01:00I'm Steph McGovern.
01:01In the news this week, in Wickham, a police hunt for a prolific wheelchair-using shoplifter
01:06enters its fourth hour without a confirmed sighting.
01:11LAUGHTER
01:16Home movie footage reveals a key moment in the intellectual life
01:20of a young J.D. Vance.
01:29And after a factual error in last week's show that incorrectly linked
01:33you and Blair's company, Multiverse, with a government I.D. cards contract,
01:38the Have I Got News For You production team apologise unreservedly
01:42and are offered some constructive feedback by the BBC.
01:50LAUGHTER
01:53On Ian's team tonight is a political commentator who, in 2018,
01:57served as a special adviser to the Conservative government,
02:00overseeing strategy and communications.
02:03They had a strategy.
02:05LAUGHTER
02:06Not much of them.
02:07Please welcome Salma Sharpe.
02:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:13On Paul's team tonight is an actor and comedian who went to Cambridge
02:16but wasn't in the footlights.
02:18It's nice to hear about someone defying the odds.
02:21Please welcome Stephen Mangan.
02:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:28We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:31Ian and Salma, who is yours?
02:33That's the former leader of the Tory party.
02:35Dear leader, dear leader.
02:37Oh, a white face.
02:39LAUGHTER
02:42Oh, blink twice if you're OK.
02:45LAUGHTER
02:46That's a cheering scene, isn't it?
02:48LAUGHTER
02:49It's a full house.
02:50Oh!
02:51LAUGHTER
02:52She's back.
02:53This is the Tory conference and I believe you were there.
02:55I was, yes.
02:56I was there.
02:57So, just you then?
02:58LAUGHTER
02:59I feel that, actually, it was quite a good conference,
03:02because...
03:03Do you?
03:04It was very, very bijou, you know, very elite.
03:07LAUGHTER
03:08It didn't really have that mass sort of movement factor
03:11that it had before.
03:12Well, setting in a cupboard helps.
03:13Yeah.
03:14LAUGHTER
03:15Yeah, no, I preferred it.
03:16Much smaller.
03:17So, was it as empty as it looked?
03:20Er...
03:21Yes.
03:22LAUGHTER
03:23Did it feel depressing?
03:25Again, I can't really leave my job as the Tory spin doctor
03:29behind on this, so I'm going to say...
03:31Try.
03:32No.
03:33It was actually really reinvigorating.
03:35There were lots of brilliant ideas and it really felt like
03:38there was a sense of momentum there.
03:39Right, OK, that bit's not true.
03:41LAUGHTER
03:43Which direction was the momentum going?
03:45Away from us.
03:47So, yes, this is Kemi Badenoch's speech
03:49to the Conservative Party conference,
03:51where security was tight,
03:53which meant it was very difficult for delegates to get out.
03:56LAUGHTER
03:58What was the bad news for Kemi Badenoch
04:00at the beginning of the conference?
04:02Er, that it took place.
04:04LAUGHTER
04:05No, what was really good news, the chocolate bar.
04:07Yeah, the chocolate bar.
04:08No, let's not talk about the chocolate bar.
04:09Yeah, the chocolate bar is incredibly funny.
04:11What's funny about the chocolate bar, don't you...
04:12Kemi Badenoch appeared with a chocolate bar...
04:15Yeah.
04:16..which was meant to be a gimmick.
04:17Yeah.
04:18And the chocolate bar had a slogan on it,
04:20including the word Britain.
04:22Shall we have a look at it?
04:23Let's have a look at it.
04:24So, when Labour negotiates...
04:26Britian loses!
04:28LAUGHTER
04:30This woman wants to be Prime Minister of Britain,
04:34and she can't spell it.
04:36LAUGHTER
04:37What a bunch of knuts.
04:39LAUGHTER
04:41I once bought a bar of Cadbury's Hairy Milk.
04:44LAUGHTER
04:46Which wasn't what I was expecting.
04:48LAUGHTER
04:50She didn't write that out and print that out, did she?
04:52No, do you think she doesn't read anything that's printed
04:54and put and found out?
04:55Perhaps.
04:56But as is tradition, I think, as all politicians inevitably do,
04:58it's much easier just to blame the advisers or the backroom boys,
05:01so I think that's...
05:02I'm going to take that line and go with, it wasn't her fault.
05:05Right.
05:06You're still looking for work, aren't you?
05:08Yeah.
05:09LAUGHTER
05:10What was Kemi's big claim at the start of the conference?
05:14Did you mean stamp duty, or was that the end of the conference?
05:16That was the end of it.
05:17That was the end of it.
05:18God, have we got the whole conference to get through?
05:20LAUGHTER
05:22It's a bit of a PN in the arse, isn't it?
05:24LAUGHTER
05:27According to the Mail, she promised to deport
05:30750,000 illegal immigrants in five years,
05:34and she's promised to form the Removals Force,
05:38who are basically like Pickfords but just not as rough.
05:41LAUGHTER
05:42They're going to be modelled on the US government's ICE agency.
05:46Do you know about them?
05:47Yes. They turn up in masks.
05:48Yeah, they're grabbing people out of parks and stuff.
05:50Do you want to see a man on his bike in Chicago taunting them?
05:53Oh, yes, I saw this. It's very good. Yeah, absolutely.
05:55Hey, I'm out of the US.
05:57Come on! Come on, come on!
06:00Yes! Come on, yes!
06:03LAUGHTER
06:05LAUGHTER
06:07LAUGHTER
06:12It feels like it needs, like, the Benny Hill music.
06:29Yeah.
06:30There's a starkly range of different hats there.
06:32There's a cowboy hat worn by one policeman there.
06:34Look, all wearing different hats.
06:36It's like Barbie, you get cowboy ice.
06:39LAUGHTER
06:41How did Robert Jenrick show his loyalty to his leader?
06:45By attempting to stab her in the back.
06:48God, I missed that bit.
06:50LAUGHTER
06:51He hogged all the headlines at the start of the conference
06:54with his crowd-pleasing speech,
06:56in which he gave a shout-out to some of his mates.
06:59Let's have a look.
07:00So, if you're watching, hello to my friends at Greggs,
07:03at Peterborough North Services.
07:05You might see me later this week.
07:07LAUGHTER
07:10He hasn't eaten anything from Greggs.
07:13Look at him.
07:14He might be working there.
07:16LAUGHTER
07:17He's got all thin.
07:19He used to be vast, sort of Mr Blobby,
07:21and then he went on his MPIC.
07:23I'm not making this up, am I?
07:24No, no, you're not.
07:25Who's had the most work done of all MPs?
07:27I don't think they have work done.
07:28Really?
07:29Yeah.
07:30And certainly the sentence MP and work done doesn't really...
07:33LAUGHTER
07:34But they're all on the pen.
07:35Is that what we call it?
07:36Oh, yeah.
07:37We're all on the pen now, yeah.
07:38Yeah?
07:39Farage, he's on the Le Pen.
07:41LAUGHTER
07:42Very good.
07:44LAUGHTER
07:46Yeah.
07:47So you don't think he's had a Greggs?
07:49Have you ever had a Greggs, Ian?
07:50Yeah, I love Greggs, me.
07:51Go on, what's your favourite?
07:53My favourite is the caviar and...
07:56LAUGHTER
07:57Beanie roll.
07:59Otherwise known as a steak bake.
08:01LAUGHTER
08:02The speech was packed full of quips and prop gags,
08:06so why was Robert Jennerick waving a judge's wig about?
08:10Well, Robert Jennerick's not very keen on judges,
08:12particularly the ones who suggest that it was unlawful for him
08:15to take a donation from a Tory donor and then rush through a planning application.
08:20I'd just mention that.
08:22LAUGHTER
08:25Because it seemed amusing.
08:27LAUGHTER
08:28Yeah, it led him on to the policy promise that the Conservatives
08:31would get rid of activist judges and in future they would only be
08:35appointed by the Lord Chancellor.
08:37Many people have obviously warned of the risks curbing the independence
08:41of the judiciary, especially when you consider that not too long ago
08:44the Lord Chancellor was Dominic Raab.
08:47LAUGHTER
08:48But we can only say his name once in case we might summon him up.
08:51LAUGHTER
08:53How else did Jennerick steal the headlines?
08:56I was talking about his visit to Birmingham, was it?
08:59Handsworth.
09:00Handsworth, yes.
09:01He said he didn't see a single white face.
09:02Yeah, correct.
09:03I love the fact that he hadn't spotted that his leader of the party...
09:08LAUGHTER
09:09He could have had a look at her.
09:11LAUGHTER
09:12I think that if he'd pointed out that the leader of the party
09:15also doesn't have a white face, it may have sort of, for him at least,
09:18reiterated the point that he was making.
09:20Which is...?
09:21I really don't know.
09:23LAUGHTER
09:25So I mentioned that Robert Jennerick had a few funnies
09:28in his conference speech, but he cannot hold a candle
09:31to the real gagmeister.
09:33Yep.
09:34Shadow Home Secretary Chris Philp.
09:36Shall we have a look at it?
09:37And I turned to my wife and I said,
09:39in your wildest dreams, did you ever imagine
09:42you'd be leaving a general election count with your husband
09:45having just been elected as a Member of Parliament?
09:48She turned to me and replied and said,
09:51in my wildest dreams, you don't feature.
09:53LAUGHTER
09:59I'd like to meet her.
10:00LAUGHTER
10:02She's funnier than he is.
10:04LAUGHTER
10:06This is the Tory party conference.
10:08Over the weekend, the conference was so sparsely attended
10:11that several Tory MPs had to go back to the hotel
10:14and have an affair with themselves.
10:16LAUGHTER
10:18APPLAUSE
10:20According to The Telegraph, one of the Thatcher-based
10:26attractions at the conference was a red mailbox for Maggie
10:30to answer questions from beyond the grave.
10:33LAUGHTER
10:34Who won the cup final in 1967?
10:36LAUGHTER
10:40Paul and Stephen, he is yours.
10:43Right.
10:44Oh.
10:45The woman screaming.
10:46People running.
10:47Swarm of ladybirds.
10:48Oh, Barry, I don't normally go this far on this first date.
10:51LAUGHTER
10:52That's my ideal woman.
10:56What a creepy...
10:57LAUGHTER
10:58This is a swarm of ladybirds.
11:00Ladybirds are swarming everywhere.
11:01Weather has been very warm for the summer.
11:03There's no harm.
11:04They're described as the gardener's friend.
11:06They never forget a birthday.
11:07LAUGHTER
11:08Always offer a shoulder to cry on.
11:10LAUGHTER
11:11Yeah, this is the news that ladybirds are out of control.
11:14They're not out of control.
11:16When have they ever been in control?
11:18LAUGHTER
11:19Just how bad is it?
11:20Not bad at all.
11:22LAUGHTER
11:23They're totally benign.
11:24Yeah, totally benign.
11:25Just looking for somewhere to spend the winter.
11:27Yeah.
11:28Not according to the Mail Online.
11:29The Mail Online?
11:30Oh, no.
11:31I expect they've tried to find the positive in the story.
11:34LAUGHTER
11:35Ladybirds prove Britain is broken.
11:36Yeah.
11:37LAUGHTER
11:38They're coming over here, hundreds of them, ladybirds.
11:40Yeah.
11:41Taking jobs and British insects.
11:42Yeah.
11:43LAUGHTER
11:44Defend the British wasp.
11:45Yes.
11:46LAUGHTER
11:47According to the Mail Online...
11:49Yeah, yeah.
11:50..a huge swarm of ladybirds hits the UK.
11:52Terrified Brits are forced to hide in their cars
11:55as thousands of beetles descend on towns and cities.
11:59Have any of you been affected by this?
12:01There are quite a lot of ladybirds in Kent.
12:03Yeah.
12:04But they just sort of swarm on a window.
12:05Yeah.
12:06I saw some on the outside of the window, you know,
12:08so I immediately left the house and hid in the car.
12:10LAUGHTER
12:12And then I rang the Mail Online.
12:15Yeah.
12:16And I said, I'm hiding in my car and I'm wearing a bikini.
12:19LAUGHTER
12:20What do you think of that?
12:22I did actually wake up with a ladybird in my bed recently.
12:26I'm not surprised.
12:27LAUGHTER
12:28Well, if you dress like a ladybird, then what do you expect?
12:30LAUGHTER
12:31APPLAUSE
12:37We've got a video of the invasion.
12:38Video of the room? Swarming.
12:39Yeah.
12:40It does contain some scenes which viewers may find upsetting.
12:42OK.
12:43Have you got the car keys?
12:44Yeah.
12:45LAUGHTER
12:46Oh, my God.
12:47Oh, my God.
12:48It's an invasion.
12:49LAUGHTER
12:50There must be dozens.
12:52LAUGHTER
12:54I hope there's a line we can donate to.
12:57Oh!
12:58Oh, the humanity.
12:59Yeah.
13:00It's kind of nothing a can of deodorant and a lighter
13:03wouldn't solve that wall, though, isn't it?
13:05LAUGHTER
13:07You're not from Middlesbrough, aren't you?
13:09Yeah.
13:10It can't really solve most problems, to be honest.
13:13That's called a good night out.
13:14Yeah, it is.
13:15The scare piece I read said they give you sexually transmitted diseases.
13:19Yeah.
13:20Oh, well, you have to fuck one first.
13:22LAUGHTER
13:23There's no clean way of saying that.
13:28What advice have ladybird experts given?
13:32I've just given it.
13:33Always wear a condom.
13:35Yeah.
13:36BBC Breakfast covered the story by weaning out ladybird expert Max Barclay,
13:43who is from the Natural History Museum.
13:46Yeah.
13:47Here he is, airing his credentials.
13:48Um, I've never seen them in my house.
13:50But, of course, in the Natural History Museum we have thousands
13:53and thousands of, um, of, uh, of dead ones.
13:58LAUGHTER
14:00Keep it light, Max.
14:02LAUGHTER
14:03To be honest, that parrot behind him is not looking too good either.
14:06LAUGHTER
14:11This is great, this is the sort of story we should have every week.
14:13Yeah.
14:14Have you noticed that I've taken an interest since it's come up?
14:16Yeah, you've perked up.
14:17Toy party comfort, yeah, yeah, yeah.
14:18LAUGHTER
14:19Ladybird, get in there!
14:20LAUGHTER
14:21Yeah.
14:22The last time there was a ladybird invasion in the UK was in 1976,
14:26when the scorching hot summer saw temperatures hit a record 21 degrees.
14:32LAUGHTER
14:33On the subject of irritating flying things,
14:36what has been reportedly coming out of Russia and causing problems this week?
14:40Drones!
14:41Er, closer to home, there was also a disturbing drone spotted at Heathrow this week.
14:47Mr Prime Minister, I'm in the cockpit
14:50and a very well-welcome to BA flight 9100 to Mumbai.
14:56It's really fantastic to have you all on board.
15:00So, safe flight, everybody, enjoy the flight,
15:03and I'll give you further information once I've taken off.
15:10Fantastic.
15:12A natural.
15:13Did you say when I've taken off?
15:15LAUGHTER
15:17And I'll surely be coming through the cabin with some scratch guns.
15:20LAUGHTER
15:22Did you either panic in the pilot's voice then as well,
15:24and he's like, did you say when I've taken off?
15:27LAUGHTER
15:28He did look really pleased to be in the cockpit, though.
15:30I've never seen anybody apart from children being that excited.
15:32Yeah.
15:33You can't fly up there any more, can you?
15:34When I was young, you used to be able to go up and sit in the cabin.
15:37Next to the Wright brothers.
15:39Yeah.
15:41LAUGHTER
15:47In other news, what's Donald Trump on the cusp of?
15:50Peace in Gaza forever.
15:52Trump's the man to lead us out of this.
15:55He's a details man.
15:57He's consistent.
15:58He's rigorous.
15:59There'll never be war again.
16:00Everyone back in the pub.
16:02LAUGHTER
16:03Correct.
16:04Do you think, though, he deserves any credit for putting pressure
16:07on Netanyahu?
16:08Yeah, no.
16:09Because he's put more pressure than Biden did.
16:10He did, yeah.
16:11Yeah.
16:12I mean, you know, he's come up with a piece that neither side want,
16:15which is a pretty brilliant achievement.
16:17Um, so, yeah, there might have to be some credit.
16:21You're giving credit to Trump?
16:22Yeah, all right, I'm over.
16:24LAUGHTER
16:25This is the news that Trump has helped negotiate a peace deal
16:29in Gaza.
16:30We're not exactly sure how the hostages are going to be released,
16:33but they reckon that while Trump's attention is focused on the Middle
16:36East, Melania will simply make a run for it.
16:40LAUGHTER
16:41So, to round two, the human dynamo of news.
16:44Fingers on buzzers.
16:45Teams?
16:46Yeah.
16:47Yes, I read this.
16:58This is about couples who have a swag difference.
17:01And what's swag?
17:02Swag, it's a term, um...
17:06It means that one part of the couple puts a lot of care into their
17:10appearance and the other wears a bathrobe.
17:14LAUGHTER
17:15Correct.
17:16On social media, it's been dubbed the swag gap.
17:19The swag gap.
17:20The swag gap.
17:21Sorry, how stupid of me.
17:22According to one person on TikTok, you can't date or be friends
17:25if there's a swag gap because they'll end up being jealous
17:28and try to become you.
17:30And this is according to one person on TikTok.
17:32LAUGHTER
17:33Well, thank goodness we've got some experts here.
17:36Cosmopolitan magazine have got stuff to say on this as well.
17:39Yeah.
17:40They've warned that not even your own swag is safe from the black
17:44hole of a swagless partner's swaglessness.
17:47LAUGHTER
17:48Sometimes I feel journalism may have ended.
17:51LAUGHTER
17:52I mean, this picture here does bring home to me, I mean, Suki,
17:55my wife, she's more likely to wear the blue dressing gown,
17:57whereas me, I'm walking up and down a Tottenham Court road.
17:59LAUGHTER
18:00I've seen you.
18:01I know, you have seen me.
18:02I've seen you.
18:03Yeah, I have, yeah.
18:04I've seen you looking for lucky winners.
18:05Yeah.
18:06LAUGHTER
18:09Looking for some company, dearie.
18:11LAUGHTER
18:12One couple really sum up the swag gap.
18:14Who are they?
18:15Oh, God.
18:16Boris Johnson is famously a scruffy dresser.
18:18And many of his wives haven't been.
18:20Yes.
18:21It's Healey and Justin Bieber.
18:24Who?
18:25Do you have pictures that back up this allegation?
18:26I do.
18:27Here's the swag.
18:28Yes.
18:29And here's the gap.
18:31LAUGHTER
18:33This is the swag gap.
18:37Yes.
18:38According to the Independent, research has found that men actively feel worse
18:42about themselves when their female partners succeed.
18:45Oh.
18:46So we can only assume that Mr Beardnock is currently on cloud nine.
18:49LAUGHTER
18:50Fingers on Buzz's teeth.
18:52Yeah.
18:53I don't know why you're bothered with that thing.
18:54It even didn't turn that at all.
18:55It's still come up.
18:56Shall we have a door then?
18:57Yeah.
18:58Just watch.
18:59There we are.
19:00LAUGHTER
19:01The Church of England has discovered women.
19:02Yeah.
19:03The very first female Archbishop of Canterbury.
19:04There we are.
19:05There she is.
19:06Yeah.
19:07In January, Dame Sarah Mullally will become the first woman to take the role of Archbishop
19:08of Canterbury.
19:09Or, as the Sun put it, first Archbishop...
19:10LAUGHTER
19:11What?
19:12Wow.
19:13Yes, she, Canterbury.
19:14Mm.
19:15LAUGHTER
19:16LAUGHTER
19:17What?
19:18Wow.
19:19Yes, she, Canterbury.
19:20Mm.
19:21LAUGHTER
19:22Hello.
19:23Hello.
19:24What advice did The Telegraph's William Sitwell give Dame Sarah about her new job?
19:28Don't take any notes on me.
19:29LAUGHTER
19:30He wrote, the Archbishop would be wise to embrace the classic British dual carriageway of tradition
19:47and fudge.
19:48What road is he driving on?
19:50LAUGHTER
19:51What surprising fact was revealed about Sarah Mullally last week?
19:56Was she sent her forward for Derby County during their promotion season?
19:59Yes!
20:00Yeah.
20:01Was she the zebra on The Masked Singer?
20:03LAUGHTER
20:05Tory P at Ed Bersi announced to listeners on his Times radio show that the new Archbishop
20:11was Bernard Manning's niece.
20:14What?
20:15Mm.
20:16Before having to admit that wasn't true and he'd just read it on Wikipedia.
20:19LAUGHTER
20:21This is the appointment of the very first female Archbishop of Canterbury.
20:26Meanwhile, a church in London is offering blessings to people's pets.
20:30Here are three dogs in the church.
20:32Although this pet had to be escorted out after trying to get one woman to eat an apple.
20:39LAUGHTER
20:41APPLAUSE
20:44Time now for the odd-one-out round, just one between you this week.
20:49They are...
20:51John Sousa, reform counsellor Tony Hewitt, the world's stone-skimming championships
20:57and Kemi Badenoch.
20:59PHONE RINGS
21:00That man runs the Enhanced Games.
21:02Yes.
21:03The Olympic Games where you're allowed to take drugs.
21:05Mm-hm.
21:06It's a sort of liberal version of the ordinary games.
21:08Yeah.
21:09There's obviously running games Enhanced, which would be traditionally cheating.
21:13Yes.
21:14And Kemi Badenoch recently did an interview where she talked about
21:19despising cheating.
21:20Right.
21:21So it might be something to do with cheating.
21:23Did the stone-skimmer cheat?
21:24Maybe there was cheating at the skimming, but I don't know about this chap.
21:28Is it something to do with cheating?
21:30It is something to do with cheating.
21:31So she's the odd one out because she doesn't like cheating.
21:34And everybody else does.
21:35And all the others cheat.
21:36Nope.
21:37One of them is a woman.
21:38They're cheating.
21:39LAUGHTER
21:40I've just seen it.
21:41And the guy on the top right has never cheated in his life and he's...
21:43He's the odd one out.
21:44And he's great.
21:45No.
21:46I've just seen the flowers.
21:47This is the reform counsellor who everyone was writing about
21:50because he's resigned.
21:51He resigned...
21:52Over a...
21:53A flower contest.
21:54To do with the flowers.
21:55A flower contest.
21:56Shall I just tell you the answer?
21:57Give us the answer on a suicide pill, will you?
21:59LAUGHTER
22:01Well prevented cheating apart from Dr Aaron D'Souza,
22:05who's encouraging cheating.
22:07Oh!
22:08So he's the founder of Enhanced Games,
22:10which will take place in Las Vegas next year.
22:12D'Souza has said the aim of the event is to create superhumanity.
22:16Yeah, I'd like to enter the 100 metres and I'll have a motorbike.
22:19LAUGHTER
22:21So what does Kemi Bairdnock do to cheaters?
22:24She calls them out.
22:25She's a cheating avenger.
22:26Well, she admitted in an interview over the summer
22:29that when she was at school she'd routinely snitch on her classmates for cheating.
22:34Here's what she said.
22:35I wasn't just the SWAT in the class.
22:37I was the person who would say,
22:38that person is copying notes from the other person.
22:41I was the tattletale in the class, like, you know, getting people into trouble.
22:45Because even then I hated cheating.
22:47I remember there was this extraordinary day.
22:49I was in... I must have been about 14 or 15.
22:51And I said, he's cheating.
22:52I stood up in the middle of the exam and I stood up and said,
22:54he's cheating, he's the one that's doing it.
22:56And that boy ended up getting expelled.
22:59And I didn't get praised for it.
23:01LAUGHTER
23:03Really?
23:04LAUGHTER
23:06Well, that's totally unfair.
23:08I mean, it's that attitude that's made the Conservative Party
23:11the much-loved institution it is today, isn't it?
23:14LAUGHTER
23:15So, reform councillor Tony Hewitt...
23:18Yes.
23:19He averted a cheating scandal involving his wife.
23:23What was it?
23:24Ah.
23:25She's an expert in competitions where you grow flowers.
23:28Yes, she is.
23:29So, Tony was told that his wife, Rita,
23:32would not be able to compete in the local flower show
23:35if he was a member of Durham Council
23:38because the council judged the competition.
23:40Ah.
23:41So, he resigned...
23:42He did.
23:43..in order to let his wife shine.
23:44How do you think Rita got on?
23:46She lost.
23:47Did she win?
23:48Well, according to The Telegraph...
23:50Yeah.
23:51..last year, Rita came first in the front garden...
23:53LAUGHTER
23:54..and second in the back.
23:56LAUGHTER
24:03Do you want to know if she did this year?
24:04She came third?
24:05She did.
24:06She did?
24:07LAUGHTER
24:08Do you want to see Rita's front garden?
24:10LAUGHTER
24:11We've come all this way.
24:13Yeah, might as well.
24:14Has it got a rosette on it?
24:15LAUGHTER
24:16Here we go.
24:17That's a good scarecrow, isn't it?
24:20LAUGHTER
24:22The World Stone Skimming Championships
24:24took place in Scotland recently.
24:26Yeah.
24:27Some of the stones...
24:28Yeah.
24:29..being used were found to be suspiciously circular.
24:32LAUGHTER
24:33Leading to claims that some competitors
24:35had been doctoring their feathers.
24:38Is the guy in the hut having a poo?
24:40LAUGHTER
24:41Is that...
24:42What?
24:43Is he making the stones?
24:46Is that what you're saying?
24:47Well, I don't know what he's doing.
24:48He's producing pebbles.
24:49Yeah.
24:50LAUGHTER
24:51Time now for the missing words round.
24:54And we start with...
24:59King's reception at Clarence House interrupted by what?
25:00King's reception at Clarence House interrupted by Ariel falling off roof.
25:03LAUGHTER
25:04Yes.
25:05King's reception at Clarence House interrupted by...
25:08..a prize cow trampling on his hedge and urinating.
25:11LAUGHTER
25:12Really?
25:13And that's while it was getting an OBE.
25:15LAUGHTER
25:16Here is the cow in question.
25:18LAUGHTER
25:19He's pissed at my hedge.
25:21LAUGHTER
25:22LAUGHTER
25:26Next...
25:27..woman seeking husband resorts to what?
25:29Contacting the dead.
25:30Moving to Sheffield.
25:32Saying, is there a husband in the building?
25:35Not far off.
25:37Oh!
25:38Woman seeking husband resorts to advertising herself
25:41on motorway billboards.
25:43Wow.
25:44All right.
25:45That's a good idea.
25:46This is Lisa Catalano, who rented a dozen billboards
25:49along the Highway 101 in California,
25:51and she put this on each of them.
25:53According to her website, Lisa's hobbies include
25:56picking up trash in her neighbourhood.
25:58Well, she's found a novel way to do with that, hasn't she?
26:01LAUGHTER
26:03Finally, Michael Gove thinks that if he were a type of food,
26:10he'd most likely be what?
26:12I know this one.
26:13Michael Gove thinks if he were a type of food,
26:14he'd most likely be a pudding, thick and rich.
26:16LAUGHTER
26:18Michael Gove thinks that if he were a type of food,
26:21he'd most likely be a cucumber.
26:23Oh.
26:24Yeah.
26:25All right, Michael.
26:26LAUGHTER
26:28We get the picture, mate.
26:30LAUGHTER
26:32Do you want to see how the Daily Star have illustrated this?
26:35Yes.
26:36Go on.
26:37LAUGHTER
26:38LAUGHTER
26:40So, the final scores are...
26:42Ian and Salma have four.
26:44Paul and Stephen have five!
26:47APPLAUSE
26:49Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
26:54Ian and Salma have this.
26:55Suspected Chinese spies freed.
26:58LAUGHTER
26:59Paul and Stephen, get that.
27:02Don't step on me brown suede shoes.
27:04LAUGHTER
27:06I think it's Poo Break Hotel.
27:11LAUGHTER
27:12Poo Break Hotel!
27:14LAUGHTER
27:15If that's a standard, I don't know if we can come up with anything for that.
27:18Yeah.
27:19You ain't nothing but a hound dog shit.
27:21LAUGHTER
27:23Good.
27:24That's good.
27:25Are you lonesome turd knight?
27:27Yes!
27:28LAUGHTER
27:29On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Salma Shah, Paul Merton and Stephen Mangan.
27:37And I leave you with news that there's an unfortunate moment on the red carpet for Rod Stewart as his G-string rides up.
27:44LAUGHTER
27:47In a phone-in on asylum seekers, one participant has no strong feelings either way.
27:53LAUGHTER
27:55And at a function to celebrate Britain's greatest ever entertainers, King Charles pays tribute to Bruce Forsythe.
28:03LAUGHTER
28:06Good night!
28:08How are you? Alan Partridge wants to know if talking is the key to better mental health next on BBC One.
28:27And on BBC iPlayer, lifelong fan Rob Brydon goes to the roots of country music on his honky-tonk road trip.
28:33Press red now.
28:35APPLAUSE
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