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Have I Got News for You S70 E06

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00:00I hope that tonight won't be a particularly long recording
00:03because I've got to get back to Wandsworth...
00:05LAUGHTER
00:07..before lights out.
00:09LAUGHTER
00:30Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:49I'm Katherine Ryan. In the news this week...
00:52As the party leaders rush to respond to Rachel Reeves' pre-budget speech,
00:56Ed Davey provides a typically nuanced response.
00:59LAUGHTER
01:02Following a raft of complaints, Deliveroo launches a new service
01:05to ensure its food stays hot.
01:08LAUGHTER
01:13And one audiobook artist puts the finishing touches
01:16on his reading of bedtime stories for insomniacs.
01:20LAUGHTER
01:23LAUGHTER
01:26On Ian's team tonight is a political journalist
01:29who left the BBC after complaining of a right-wing
01:32witch-hunt against him.
01:33Well, we're honoured to welcome back
01:35weaselly left-wing snowflake Lewis Goodall.
01:39APPLAUSE
01:41I think it was.
01:42APPLAUSE
01:44On Paul's team tonight is a comedian
01:46who recently appeared on the panel show
01:48Have I Got Sport For You,
01:50which is basically like Have I Got News For You,
01:52but about sport,
01:53and running for just 625 fewer episodes.
01:56Please welcome Nasey Adam.
01:57APPLAUSE
01:58We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
01:59Ian and Lewis, here's yours.
02:00That's three more they've let out.
02:02LAUGHTER
02:03Yes, yes, it's a problem, isn't it, keeping them in.
02:04Oh, and there we go.
02:05There we go.
02:06Off they go.
02:07Bye-bye.
02:08That's Wandsworth.
02:09The government is fulfilling its promise and pledge
02:11to keep prison numbers as low as possible,
02:13which they're doing by releasing people entirely at random.
02:15There are a number of complaints,
02:16because last week I said that human error was one thing,
02:17but if you're in the prison service you're meant to look after people
02:18and various...
02:19..you've said that we're going to look after people
02:20and various people.
02:21If you're in the prison service,
02:22you're meant to look after people.
02:23And if you're in a case of a man,
02:24you're going to look after a man,
02:25you can see the man.
02:26One of this is something that we've seen.
02:27OK, you've seen the man,
02:28you've seen the man,
02:29you've seen the man,
02:30that's a man.
02:31And you've seen the man.
02:32What do you see?
02:33And you've seen the man.
02:34human error was one thing but if you're in the prison service you're meant to
02:37look after people and various viewers said this is pathetic it's a one-off it
02:40won't happen again hello Lammy is justice minister and the deputy prime
02:47minister same person yeah the deputy prime minister blamed the justice
02:49minister and he blamed the deputy prime minister and only one has decided to go
02:57back in presumably because the Wi-Fi is actually better in prison apparently he
03:02went home to see his partner I'm not saying it was a conjugal visit but look
03:06at this shortly after heading into Wandsworth this morning Billy Smith came
03:10back out no doubt GB news will be as quick to pounce on this as they were with
03:20the last mistaken release here's Lee Anderson and chums discussing it on GB
03:24news last week but he's been deported been sent back to us once he came in Chloe
03:28and we've actually bombed him 500 quid for the pleasure is that acceptable
03:33absolutely not it's like the world's worst stag do I'm feel sorry for that poor bloke
03:44there who seems to be contemplating his last hours on earth what other release
03:50did labor fumble this week oh is this Rachel Reeves talking about the pre-budget
03:55speech the pre-budge yeah pre-budge kids are calling it the pre-budge pre-budge is it like
04:02the pre-lash yeah but in the old days nobody said anything there was purdah before the budget so
04:10you didn't have to worry about it and on budget day it was a surprise so there never
04:14used to be a pre-budge there was no pre-budge no pre-budge just went straight in with the budge
04:19yeah then you had the after budge which was a riot but what happens at the after budge stays at the
04:25after budge
04:27well no offence Ian and Lewis but I think we should hear from the country's top political
04:31commentator on Rachel Reeves speech so let's have a look at that what's the point of that
04:36what's the point of that what's the point of that really what what was the point of that like you said it was so it was long and she in the end won't answer any questions about what she's going to tell us at the end of November anyway it's just
04:40that was bonkers crazy what hang on Lorraine Kelly who has a whole show where she just chats about in the politest way possible nothing really she's going what was the point of that
04:47now going to a cat fashion show well we didn't get any actual policies revealed so what was the point of all that well she wants to get to the end of November anyway it's just that was bonkers
04:54crazy crazy
04:59well hang on Lorraine Kelly who has a whole show where she just chats about in the politest way possible nothing really she's going what was the point of that
05:06now going to a cat fashion show
05:11well we didn't get any actual policies revealed so what was the point of all that well she wanted to make very clear
05:18that all of the bad things that she's going to do are all as a result of things that have happened very recently yes
05:25um like the ukraine war um brexit yes i think the korean war got in there a little bit
05:32it's not her fault as you said and she was there to reassure the public and this was her reassurance face
05:38oh
05:41and the sun provided a helpful list of things rachel reeves has blamed the economic situation on let's
05:47please have a rundown of the charts so there's no change at one and two with liz truss and quasi
05:53quarteng new in at three it's rishi sunak's black hole making up the top six it's donald trump supply
05:59chains and the global markets and there's a surprise new entry at seven for vladimir putin no change at eight
06:03for keir starmer new one at nine it's big bad pad mcfadden next we have unreliable trains slow broadband
06:09george osborne david cameron covid and finally staying at the top 15 for record 78 weeks is brexit
06:15yes
06:16i don't want to usurp your role but i mean it's all true it's just that after a while when you're in
06:25government you have to accept some responsibility what disaster is rachel reeves in danger of being
06:31compared to oh it's liz truss isn't it hmm i mean it's either that or the titanic there are only two
06:38major disasters in history that you get compared to i would love to see a liz truss film with a
06:44soundtrack by celine dion
06:46what with her and quasi quarteng on the bow
06:53head for that iceberg
06:57iceberg lettuce
07:00i know it's that kind of show
07:05on the subject of great ideas what's education secretary bridget phillipson got
07:10ideas to show that she's got some ideas for changing the curriculum including an idea about
07:15teaching children how to identify fake news and not be influenced and that strikes me as quite a good idea
07:20how are they going to do it are they going to show two different videos and you've got to spot the
07:25there'll be a picture of donald trump in an airplane dumping manure on protestors
07:29yeah and you'll be asked is that real
07:32yes
07:33and the answer is yes
07:35that's right education secretary bridget phillipson's got ideas to shake up education
07:41here she is talking about it on radio for listen for the unusual branch of science that she mentions
07:47the big change that we're bringing is yes a focus on the core academic standards that are incredibly important
07:53reading writing maths and more on science
07:57i did that for o-level
08:04that's quite unusual exam because if he fell that's a pass
08:08ian this is something you know all about what is the good financial news this week
08:13oh um alan bates has sir alan bates has been given his compensation
08:18and finally and he's agreed it
08:20yay
08:21yay
08:22and with any luck this will set the pattern for all the other people to be compensated
08:27so it's a win and um i hope there's a sequel to the drama
08:32yeah which is set in the pub afterwards
08:35what's coming be to knock celebrating
08:39um
08:40oh one year one year oh yeah
08:42she's celebrating that from now on rebel backbenchers can put in letters of no confidence
08:47yeah she's done a year but as sky news pointed out a grace period stopping mps from submitting letters of no competence
08:54in her
08:55that's brilliant
08:56a Freudian slip catherine
08:58what has nigel farage abandoned this week
09:05uh promises to cut tags
09:07yes
09:08is it
09:09oh don't be surprised
09:10it's in the news
09:12i've been watching traitors
09:15what is that i wish the bbc would advertise
09:22is it sir anthony blunt
09:25i mean you've been preoccupied with doing something rather more positive recently
09:29yeah
09:30she's just had a baby
09:31i did i just i just have them in there no it's fine
09:36but how long ago
09:38uh two and a half weeks
09:39i know it's irresponsible i'm a bad mom now you're proud of me
09:43now you're upset but she is here in the corridor
09:47i know i know
09:54this is new responsible nigel
09:56mhm
09:57and in order to prove that he's ready to be in government he's just u-turned on everything he's ever promised
10:02yeah
10:03which means he's now fit to cut
10:05well if i was farage i'd have responded to rachel reeve's speech by getting andrea jenkins to come out singing
10:11oh yeah
10:12i'm an insomniac
10:14i'm an insomniac
10:15i'm an insomniac
10:17staring at the ceiling
10:19where you're up to return
10:22yes i'm an insomniac
10:25i'm an insomniac
10:27and what i have to hear
10:30is the sound of that
10:32the sound of that
10:35the sound of that
10:36i'm an insomniac
10:38please tell me that's ai
10:41is that ai
10:42can that be in the text
10:44no it's not ai because there's no intelligence there
10:52yes this is the news of more failures in the government
10:55meanwhile kemi badenoch marked her first year as tory party leader this week by saying she had spent the last 12 months
11:02giving the country a serious alternative to labor
11:05yes reform
11:08also this week a french taxi driver was acquitted of stealing david lammy's luggage
11:12the row began after david lammy didn't inform the driver he was an important political figure
11:17mainly because he isn't
11:20paul and maizey here's yours
11:24uh lots of litter man picking up litter or dropping litter we can't figure it out from that bit
11:28um there's a people picking up litter they are definitely picking up litter they're good people picking up litter
11:32they're too big they can't be living underground a size like that look at them
11:37he's going i found a fiver i found a prisoner
11:39yeah
11:41there's been litter picking championships right catherine there's there's there's like a and britain has been a big time player
11:49mm-hmm in the litter picking champion got a lot of trash for a long long time yeah and i think we've dropped the ball i think we've
11:55this year we've been ousted we've been ousted yeah you're right maizey this is the heartbreaking news that great britain has lost its title of world litter picking champions
12:04i didn't know we were we kept very quiet about that didn't we yeah i mean couldn't they have gone around handing leaflets to people telling them that
12:11yeah imagine if we got behind the the litter picking championships the same way we did behind say football
12:19imagine if box park in croydon wembley is full of people chucking beer at each other the moment somebody finally picks up a plastic cup
12:26yeah yeah
12:28it's whoever picks up the most wins so at the world cup in 2023 great britain's winning team collected a lot of scrap metal
12:35it sounds riveting as a spectator
12:37oh yeah
12:38the world litter picking championship has only been running for a couple of years but they have already received an offer to host next year's event
12:46from a desperate birmingham council
12:51who could be doing the tidying up for us very soon
12:54robots
12:55yes
12:56there's a new twenty thousand dollar robot that you can buy in america next year
12:59and it's meant to do household chores but it's not very good at them
13:02yes this is the first commercially available domestic ai robot
13:06yeah
13:07why would you bother with the eyes if not to bother with a mouth
13:10and he is too familiar with it
13:13well you see it can't give evidence against him
13:18apart from eye movements
13:25yeah let's see it in action
13:27yeah
13:28and that took five minutes
13:42i thought you did that quite well
13:43as the years go by that's how i loaded this watching
13:57comedians like to think that robots can never replace them because they just don't have a sense of humor but you have to admit this is pretty funny
14:03so if you can cook me the meal i'm gonna i'm gonna go out in here and play fortnite okay
14:06i'm gonna go out in here and play fortnite okay
14:10with that
14:11Jeff
14:12oh my god
14:14i'm going to hand me a bone
14:15oh my god
14:17oh my god
14:18oh my god
14:19oh my god
14:21oh my god
14:22what's that
14:23oh сказать
14:24that's going to help
14:25we could so let it go
14:27shut it off
14:28shut it off
14:29shut it off
14:30shut it off
14:31shut it off
14:33shut it off
14:34first robot housekeeper is now on the market the robot housekeeper takes two minutes to fold a
14:39shirt has four hours battery life and cooking is currently beyond its capabilities yeah same
14:47i mean why is the robot dressed as a french maid because men ian he's always going to end up dressed
14:55like a french maid while we're on the subject do you know who has been praised for their sartorial
15:00elegance this week that man sneezing david beckham like david beckham very close david weckham
15:12it's ian hislop oh yes in an email sent to the what in an email sent to the have i got news for you
15:22office carla sillsby writes ian hislop definitely should receive an award for being best dressed
15:27man on tv he always looks smart in every episode i watch i know it's nice to be casual but a good
15:33suit clean shirt and nice tie really sets a man up and makes the difference
15:41ian hi p.s my husband leaves for work at half-hour state of the morning
15:49i was going to say my mother shouldn't write
15:51well who else has been complimented for their nice suit and tie this week is it beckham it's
15:58david beckham yeah yeah it was very fancy wasn't it made by his wife oh david beckham knighted by
16:04the king who complimented him on his suit beckham said that charles had inspired quite a few of my
16:10looks over the years i don't remember charles doing this one that was andrew to be fair
16:21he was meant not to get it wasn't he because he'd been pitching for it and it was considered bad
16:30form to be desperate that's exactly right in 2013 when he did not get a knighthood he emailed his pr
16:37saying they're a bunch of cunts i expected nothing less who decides on the honors it's a disgrace to
16:43be honest and if i was american i would have got something like this years ago it would have been
16:50nice and maybe like poetic if charles had got his own back just by yeah knighting him and then going
16:55arise you cunt you know nice i don't know that we are allowed to broadcast the c words but you did
17:04reference victoria beckham earlier and we'll allow that oh my god i like her real i didn't expect that
17:15reaction i do have to clarify david beckham denies some of what is in these alleged emails he says
17:21it's the work of russian hackers some of the email so like when he says would have got not would have
17:27gone that's russian that's russian it's got a sort of russian rhythm yeah would have got
17:36what apart from ai humanoids what else should we not be worrying about meteorites in the earth yes
17:46really yes oh i just made that up an object that's streaking through the solar system at 130 000 miles
17:53an hour that most scientists say is a comet but harvard astrophysics professor avi loeb says it might be
17:59an alien spacecraft sent to probe our solar system oh blimey oh and it is called atlas why does nearly
18:06every other astronomer think atlas is a comet it looks like a comet it moves like a comet it's
18:12number plate comet paul you've got it again astronomer dr mark norris said in terms of why
18:19we think it's a comet it's because it looks and behaves
18:21what's the difference between comets and asteroids how do you tell the difference between comets and
18:31asteroids you can get ointment for asteroids well is this on what's the difference between a comet and
18:40asteroid well a comet's sort of on fire a little bit isn't it and that asteroid is obviously asteroid
18:45is more round is it their orbits yeah in a actually in a gravitational actually attracted by an
18:51in-depth or orbiting something and an asteroid is potentially just hurtling through space isn't
18:54that what it is join us for another episode of moron science and so to round two the one armed
19:04bandit of news fingers on buzzer's team oh this is zoran mamdani he's been elected mayor of new york city
19:18youngest ever mayor and first ever muslim yes absolutely yeah that's exactly right what was
19:23mamdani's key to success young people come out and vote of democrat for for the first time in
19:28quite a while so he's exciting the electorate and his big thing is taxing the super rich right and
19:33offering free buses i think everyone thought he was going to fight the culture wars and he didn't
19:38well he said this is about the cost of living and amazingly if you do that lots of people vote for
19:43you know they were saying that you know mamdan is so radical and he's got you know he's so charismatic
19:48and that you know starmer should try and do a little bit of the same and it is kind of quite hard
19:51to imagine star just do that well he's sort of like a man who just believes in sort of incremental
19:56change isn't it's like what do we want incremental change when do we want it when circumstances allow
20:02i thought that was ai for a minute maybe he is ai have you ever seen keir starmer load a dishwasher
20:07mom donnie won more votes than the other candidates combined so why were they so rubbish well one had
20:15a little bit of a flaw in his candidacy he'd already been governor of new york and he'd been involved in
20:20multiple sex scandals andrew como he said to change his name he's now prince andrew
20:27before the election what did trump say he would do if mom donnie won he said he'd cut off funding to
20:32new york yes and then he'd send the troops in and then he'd rename it as new trump
20:40i've made some of that up
20:44what did we also learn in the 60 minute interview that trump always carries with him
20:49piece of paper with various achievements like i've stopped eight wars written on it let's have a look
20:53but i brought i mean just a little list of of look at this wars president trump wanted to make sure
20:59we saw the list of eight international conflicts he says he's been able to end since returning to
21:05office i said if you don't stop fighting i'm putting tariffs on both of your countries and
21:09you're not going to be able to do business why isn't that why isn't that working with putin
21:21in other news why is donald trump not happy with the bbc well this is one for you isn't it panorama
21:26um edited together a bit of trump's speech that he made on january the 6th before the capitol hill
21:33riots and people like boris johnson uh are arguing boris johnson has complained the bbc is being
21:38dishonest um interesting take for boris johnson people who are advocates of trump say is actually
21:45basically making it seem like he advocated violence that day here's what he actually said we're gonna walk
21:51down to the capitol and we're gonna cheer on our brave senators and congressmen and women
22:02and here's how panorama edited it we're gonna walk down to the capitol and i'll be there with you
22:10and we fight we fight like hell and if you don't fight like hell you're not going to have a country
22:16anymore oh no that's different yeah yeah that's pretty different in it yeah i was ready to fight
22:26it's allowed room for people to criticize them hasn't it so in a sense it's stupid and it's clumsy to
22:32have done that i mean i'm not a fan of donald trump but i feel like if he was clearly inciting violence
22:37then there's no need to edit a clip that makes him more clearly look to i think that's a very sensible view
22:41my guess is that that bit will be edited so it'll be me saying fight fight fight
22:52fingers on buzzer's teams
23:01there's a lion which was let loose and it went into a pub
23:04and it ordered two pints of guineas it's actually the news of a lion on the loose in ireland oh
23:14how did the lion escape uh did it go to wandsworth prison
23:19not clear how but a forest manager john o'reilly was sent this footage by a colleague who caught the
23:25beast fleeing into the woodland oh my god the good news is that the animal has now been apprehended
23:36it turns out the lion was just a newfoundland dog called mouse with a fresh haircut
23:44no you can see the similarity yeah you used to have that haircut didn't you maizey shut up
23:49still it's not the most embarrassing mistake to come out of ireland author seamus o'reilly was just
23:58five years old when he and his ten siblings ten siblings sadly lost their mum
24:12that's that's the reason why you should read the autobiography
24:15yeah time now for the missing words round and we start with marks and spencer launched new product
24:22for men dubbed what oh it was underpants yeah marks and spencer launched new product for men
24:29dubbed the male equivalent of the push-up bra oh what's it pushing up well
24:38this is a new pair of support pants for men they just push everything north towards aberdeen
24:45they're said to give gentlemen more confidence in the office would that make someone more confident
24:51to be entering the boardroom knob first yeah yeah if you're carrying a tray of drinks you can open the
24:59door it doesn't matter we can't judge our level of confidence until we see the product no ian's going
25:05to model it and then that lady's going to write in about your lovely attire
25:15that's alfred hitchcock isn't it
25:20i think it's a before and after before and after what
25:24i can't believe i'm saying this but i'm bitterly disappointed
25:27which one would you prefer maizey catherine my mum watches this show which one would she prefer
25:43next queen elizabeth the second's what to go up for auction this week favorite son
25:48queen elizabeth ii's wedding cake to go up for auction oh blimey oh a slice of wedding cake from
25:58queen elizabeth's wedding to prince philip is up for auction the alcohol laced fruit cake was apparently
26:03delighted that her daughter elizabeth was getting married that day next tourists can now pay eight
26:10thousand pounds to take part in a historical recreation of what i know this this is lawrence
26:15of arabia yes ian yeah because i booked it for my birthday
26:20you get to dress up go on a camel and free the arab tribes from the yoke of the ottoman empire
26:29say what you like about the ottoman empire they made no good sofas they did make good
26:32sofas yes ian tourists can now pay eight thousand pounds to take part in a historical recreation of
26:39lawrence of arabia's trek across the desert the first group of britons to take part traveled for
26:44eight hours a day that was leg one of the journey from norwich to stansted on a replacement bus
26:52finally french cyclist who got stuck in a ravine for three days tells rescuers
26:57he survived on red wine
27:25the frenchman might have been able to eat fish from the nearby river but sadly he was unable to
27:31as he only had red wine
27:32oh well the final scores are ian and lewis have five paul and maizey have three
27:48on which note we say thank you to our panelists ian hislop and lewis goodall paul martin and maizey
27:54adam and i leave you with news that in italy roberto the infamous hat thief of rome conducts his most
27:59daring lift yet
28:04on the downing street lawn frustration grows as gardeners fail to deal with a persistent weed
28:09and news gets around that in an attempt to keep the money coming in sarah ferguson is going to appear
28:18on a celebrity version of naked attraction well we're going to see the crown jewels
28:25good night
28:32your ticket to five defining gigs by a legend the bruce springsteen story is on bbc sounds listen now
28:51and the story of another music titan in my own words tom jones press red to watch now on iplayer
28:58next on bbc one how are you it's alan partridge the series finale coming up
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