- 1 day ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:04Where's the ball?
00:05No!
00:06Woo!
00:07Oh!
00:13I'm totally going.
00:14Yee-dee!
00:16Damn!
00:18Woo!
00:22Woo!
00:23You're a good boy.
00:24You're a good boy.
00:28You're gonna be like this today, are you?
00:39Welcome to Taskmaster.
00:41It's our third episode in, which means it's our special episode, Taskmaster After Dark,
00:47the adults-only edition of the show.
00:49I'm your host, Tom Gleeson, and as you can see, I'm fully naked.
00:52The whole cast is naked.
00:54The audience is also naked.
00:56If you're watching this and we've got clothes on, it's probably your TV's parental settings.
01:01So get into the menu and have a little fiddle because you do not want to miss these pecs,
01:07Cashman's birthmark, or Rose Giant donger.
01:12Competing in their birthday suits are Anissa Nandella, Brett Blake, Celia Popola, Go Creasy, and Perth's very own Rogue McManus.
01:31And next to me, as always, is the guy who once slipped a disc playing Candy Crush, it's Tom Cashman.
01:41Tom, do you have anything prepared that could waste about 30 seconds?
01:46Do you want to hear about my dating life?
01:49Um, for the purposes of the show, yes.
01:52And for the purposes of one lady in the crowd just then, no.
01:58Well, f*** you, I'm doing it anyway.
02:03Dating life hasn't been going...
02:06And that's 30 seconds.
02:13Yeah, time's up. See how you like it.
02:15We can move on.
02:17Don't feel sorry for him, it's not going to work.
02:20That's enough time-wasting, let's get to the prize task.
02:23Tonight, our contestants have been asked to bring in what they consider to be the most impressive item that cannot
02:28be bought anywhere online.
02:30Okay.
02:31Alright, okay, Celia, what have you got for us?
02:34I have got a selection of cakes from a country bakery that only takes cash.
02:39Oh, wow.
02:41Yes!
02:42And I have not stopped thinking about those cakes for three months, so I have sent someone from this program
02:46out to that bakery to get a box of cakes,
02:49because I don't have cash because I'm a young person, shut up.
02:52And I'll tell you, in the moment when they were like, cash only, like, I went straight to like, what
02:56can I get for a tooth?
02:59How many shoes, just like bartering, I'll paint your house, what can I get?
03:03Okay, Anissa, what did you bring in?
03:05The house that I live in, the landlord refuses to fix the bathroom light, I won't say his name, Mr.
03:11Quinn.
03:12And my boyfriend 3D printed a selfie light holder, so we can have light all over the bathroom.
03:22Was it 3D printed with the pubes or did that get added?
03:27Yeah, it was 3D printed with that.
03:29And it's horrible because we can't see without the light, but if you walk in there, it looks like we
03:33just do it for nudes.
03:37All right, Rove, what have you got?
03:38I've got a lion's toy.
03:42What?
03:42So this is a ball that a friend of mine gave me from the zoo. It's exceptionally hard, but it
03:52looks like they have just carved through it like a knife through butter. Fascinating stuff.
03:55OK, but you...
03:58APPLAUSE
04:05But the ball itself could totally be gotten off-line.
04:08Oh, but not slashed up like that.
04:10But you're saying the scratching is what makes it unique.
04:12Oh yeah, I don't think you can buy a lion easily online to attack a ball for you.
04:17Oh, I've tried.
04:20I've got a couple of cougars at my joint.
04:22LAUGHTER
04:24That's a different species to lions.
04:26Yeah.
04:26Yeah, but the joke still works. Keep up, Tom.
04:28LAUGHTER
04:30All right, Joel, what have you brought in?
04:32My partner and I, we have a baby.
04:35She's a dog.
04:38Her name is Girlfriend.
04:39So we can say at the park, like, girlfriend, get over here, or did you just shit yourself, girlfriend?
04:45Which I have said before to Sophie Monk at the Logies, but...
04:50LAUGHTER
04:51But my sister had a real-life baby and I am her favourite uncle.
04:58Please welcome Charlie Rose.
05:01APPLAUSE
05:05Because Jack and I have opted against children and decided to go with flying business class the rest of our
05:11lives.
05:12LAUGHTER
05:13OK, well, it's probably a good choice for the children that you aren't going to have too,
05:17because they would have been on drugs, clearly.
05:20LAUGHTER
05:21From a very young age.
05:24All right, Brett, what do you have?
05:26It's a one-off painting that is to scale.
05:30Yeah.
05:31And it's exactly what I look like with my shirt off.
05:35LAUGHTER
05:39That package is to scale as well, so...
05:42Is that one of those genuine paintings, though?
05:44Because I know how TV shows work.
05:46Often they get these things and they make props that look like paintings, but they're actually printed out.
05:49No, no, no, this is a one-off painting that's in my house, so when you walk into my house,
05:53this is the first thing you see.
05:54LAUGHTER
05:54Oh, OK. So, who painted it?
05:56Who painted it?
05:57You know, it was one of the turtles that did the roof in Italy.
06:03Michelangelo.
06:04Yep.
06:05Wow.
06:06We should give away some points, I reckon.
06:07The ball, even though it's been chewed up by a lion, that's just a damaged ball that you can buy
06:11a lion,
06:11so one point to Rove.
06:13LAUGHTER
06:14I'm going to give two points to Brett, because I feel like that might have been printed out, I just
06:17don't trust him.
06:19I'm certainly certain that some turtles did not paint it.
06:22LAUGHTER
06:24I'm going to give three points to Anissa, because I didn't really understand what it was, because I'm 50.
06:29LAUGHTER
06:30I'm going to give four points to Celia, because I love a country bakery, I live in a country town.
06:33But I'm going to give five points to Joel for his niece, because I'm just worried about their self-esteem.
06:39LAUGHTER
06:42OK, Lisa Tom, what's the first proper task?
06:45This first one features a doghouse, somewhere I'm sure the Taskmaster has never been.
06:49So I'll explain. It's another word for kennel.
06:51Oh, OK.
07:03Tom!
07:05I'm ready!
07:09Hi, Joel.
07:10Hello.
07:11Hello.
07:11Hello, Timothy.
07:13You look like those people who...
07:15What are they called?
07:15The ones who marry people?
07:17Husbands?
07:18No.
07:19Right.
07:19Dog food?
07:22Oh, there's a...
07:23There's a dog over there.
07:25Hey, mate!
07:28Oh, he's a rude dog.
07:29Terrifying, actually.
07:30That is really scary.
07:32I'm almost surprised how long it took me to realise your pet over there.
07:36Dog food.
07:37Nice.
07:39Call the dog over.
07:40You may not leave the dock.
07:42The dog will only come when you call out its correct four-letter name.
07:45You have 100 guesses.
07:47Fewest guesses wins.
07:49Your time starts now.
07:50I don't think there's a dog here.
07:52Do you have a dog?
07:53I do.
07:53Her name's Girlfriend.
07:55So me and Jack can be like,
07:56Get over here, Girlfriend.
07:58Oh, right.
07:59Did you just shit yourself, Girlfriend?
08:00Have you ever done that at the park?
08:02Shit myself?
08:03I have at Southern Cross Station.
08:05Oh, really?
08:05I had one...
08:06I had too many acai berries.
08:08I was on a health kick.
08:13Joel, were you just repeating material?
08:18I learned from the best.
08:22All right.
08:23Who are we going to start with?
08:24One of them hasn't even seen the dog yet.
08:26It's Celia and Anissa.
08:28Oh, my gosh.
08:29I love it.
08:30Call the dog over.
08:34There's got to be a clue, because there's more than a hundred four-letter words.
08:38I'm just going to try one.
08:39Fido!
08:41Rude.
08:41I don't think there's a dog here.
08:44You don't?
08:44No.
08:45There's got to be a clue.
08:46There's...
08:47Duck!
08:48Well, you're counting them, by the way?
08:50Yep.
08:50Okay.
08:51H-A-R-R-Y.
08:52Harry!
08:55Carl!
08:56Is there a clue?
08:57Can I open this?
08:58I'm going to try and open this.
08:59I'm just going to open this.
09:00Is this going to be a mistake?
09:01Is this going to be a stinky mistake?
09:03I've just made a stinky mistake.
09:05Please don't use that in the promo.
09:07Come here, now!
09:09Is that three guesses?
09:10No, that's...
09:11There's come.
09:12They're all yelled.
09:13Yeah, but they're not full letters.
09:15Two of them are.
09:16Why would a dog be called come?
09:18Did you ever have a dog?
09:19Yes, he's known as Woofer.
09:20That's five letters.
09:21Did you ever have a dog?
09:22Yeah.
09:22What's his name?
09:23Tilly.
09:23How'd you spell that?
09:25Not telling.
09:26Tilly!
09:26Five letters.
09:27F*** you.
09:33Oh, shit!
09:34Hey, bro!
09:36What the hell?
09:38Am I high?
09:40No.
09:40Can you tell me your name?
09:42Were those all guesses?
09:43What's your name?
09:44No.
09:46Call the dog over.
09:47Call.
09:50Doc.
09:51She's coming!
09:53Oh!
09:55Over.
09:56Yay!
09:58Ah!
10:00You little ripper!
10:02That was a clean time I bloody did it!
10:05Oh, my God.
10:06I can't believe his name is Doc.
10:08That's crazy.
10:09Come on!
10:09You can do it over!
10:10Let's go!
10:11He looks like he's just clocked off.
10:12From being a dog.
10:14He's like, F*** his family.
10:16Hey, boy!
10:17Come here, little buddy!
10:19Come on!
10:21I'm gonna hug ya!
10:22I'm gonna hug ya!
10:25Good boy!
10:26Hello!
10:27Hello!
10:28Oh, he's not into that.
10:30I did it!
10:32Congratulations.
10:33You need to care more.
10:35Thank you!
10:36Bye!
10:37Ah!
10:44So, Anissa, what's the dog's name?
10:47Over.
10:47Did you only just learn that now?
10:49Yeah.
10:50How did you figure it out it was over?
10:52Because the first line of the task is, call the dog over.
10:56Oh!
11:00But it...
11:00You are so smart!
11:01I mean, it's...
11:02Hold on.
11:03You watched that, right?
11:04It took me 45 minutes to figure it out.
11:07Okay.
11:08But just to be clear, just any word that was yelled out, that was counted.
11:11Yep.
11:11If it was called out, that's a guess.
11:13How am I to know how many letters these people think are in certain words?
11:16Right.
11:16So, if they yell out Harry, which is clearly five letters,
11:22to you and I.
11:23Yes.
11:23Yeah, Harry with one R.
11:24Oh, is that what you thought?
11:26Oh, while we're at it, Celie, how do you spell Tilly?
11:29T-I-L-Y, Tom.
11:31Okay.
11:32Not in my family.
11:34You know how I spell your name?
11:36D-I-C-K.
11:40And that's for...
11:44I've made a stinky mistake, haven't I?
11:47So, we're looking for the least number of times?
11:50Fewest guesses wins.
11:51Celia's guesses, some of them included,
11:53Can you tell me your name?
11:57Celia made a total of 27 guesses.
12:00That's really good.
12:02Anissa's guesses included here, now, Anissa, doggy and hint.
12:09Hint?
12:10And Anissa made a total of 18 guesses.
12:12Woo!
12:16Okay, it's time for a break.
12:18See you after this.
12:30Welcome back to Taskmaster, where comedians are listing all the four-letter words they know,
12:36including the rude ones like drat and darn and...
12:41That's right.
12:42So far we've seen Anissa and Celia try to call a dog over by correctly guessing its four-letter name.
12:47Next up, he loves puzzles and being physically restricted to a certain area,
12:50so he's surely in his element here.
12:52It's Brett Blake.
12:55I hate this one.
12:56You guys are always f***ing with me, and I think this is one of those ones that you f*** with
13:00me,
13:00and I guess like a hundred things, and you get back to the studio,
13:02and then all the dorks online is like,
13:04oh, if you just didn't guess anything, you would have f***ing won.
13:12I'm gonna punch that f***ing dog as well.
13:21F***ing dog food.
13:22That's what it said on the can.
13:28Yes!
13:33Stinks, dude.
13:37What are you looking at?
13:42You're an idiot.
13:43I hate this.
13:44Over!
13:50The world's shittest dog.
13:53Come on, champ.
13:55Grab a feed, you little grub.
13:58It's over.
13:59No, that's over.
14:07You're welcome.
14:07Brett, thank you for referring to the dorks online.
14:11You're welcome.
14:12Yeah, or as I prefer to call them, our valued fan base who gave you this job.
14:16I still feel they'll be watching going,
14:18oh, he mentioned me.
14:21So, why were you so angry about doing well?
14:25I'll be honest with you, I think I fluked that one,
14:27because I was like, well, if the dog does come over, eventually he'll be hungry,
14:30and then when I went to put the food out, then it was there,
14:32so I was pretty stoked with that.
14:34You thought what was obviously a man in a suit
14:37would eventually get hungry and eat dog food?
14:40It was annoying me so much, I would have pushed his head into it at that stage.
14:45Alright, so it looked like he got it in one.
14:47He didn't get it in one, though, did he?
14:48No, Brett yelled out, what's your name?
14:50So Brett got it still in four guesses.
14:53Amazing.
14:56Who have we got next, Lesser Tom?
14:58One of their first names is the answer rearranged,
15:01the other one's Lioge.
15:02It's Joel and Rode.
15:06The dog over.
15:09Over!
15:14Looks like he's coming.
15:15He's coming!
15:16Are you serious?
15:18I need this, I really need this.
15:20Here's your good boy.
15:21Here's your good boy.
15:23Here's your good boy.
15:24Hello.
15:24Hello.
15:26Oh, he talks.
15:27Do you want this?
15:28Uh, yes, please.
15:29You want it?
15:30Yeah.
15:32What?
15:33Why are there binoculars in there?
15:34Don't worry about that.
15:37Good to see you, Opa.
15:39Thanks, Joel.
15:45Hi, Tom.
15:46Hi, Paul.
15:48Is that all you need me for?
15:49Your job is over.
15:51Thank you, Tom.
16:00So, Lesser Tom, can you explain to Brett what happened given Brett has never seen the show?
16:04That was Paul, he's the Taskmaster's assistant in the New Zealand version, where weirdly they just call him Paul, not
16:10like Lesser Paul or Stupid Paul.
16:13And he's better looking as well, brutal.
16:16Yeah, but they just call him Paul because he's in New Zealand Taskmaster, which is called Lesser Taskmaster.
16:25These nerds are so excited, they're like, oh, it's like the Spidey-verse.
16:31Remember Spider-Man coming home when there was just Tobey Maguire and they're all in the same room.
16:39Now, one thing I enjoyed in that was, Joel, you seemed surprised that you did well.
16:43Well, um, in my portfolio of tasks, um, that's my best one.
16:48So...
16:52Rov, were you disappointed you got the answer so quickly?
16:55No, no, as someone who also has a name that warrants rubbing your ass on the carpet a lot and
17:00drinking out of the toilet,
17:02I would have felt ashamed if I hadn't worked it out a bit sooner.
17:05What about your name makes you want to drink out of the toilet?
17:08Because it's very much like a Rova name.
17:10It's just a nice excuse.
17:12Also to hump people's legs.
17:13Bark at strangers.
17:14Bark at strangers.
17:15What are you doing in the mail?
17:16What are you doing in the mail?
17:18What are you doing in the mail?
17:19I get very little mail.
17:22So, did they both get it on the first go?
17:24They did.
17:25One guess, one guess.
17:27So that means Celia gets one point, Anissa gets two, Brett gets three and Joel and Rov both
17:33get five points apiece.
17:35What does that do to the episode overall?
17:37Rov is on six but Joel's out in front with ten points.
17:40APPLAUSE
17:42Remember this moment.
17:44OK.
17:45Competition is heating up.
17:46More soon after the break.
17:48APPLAUSE
18:00Welcome back to Taskmaster.
18:02You've joined us at a very exciting time.
18:04Tom, what you got?
18:05This next task features something that's associated with our country because famous Australians
18:10do it so much.
18:11And no, I'm not talking about racism or abs.
18:25Hello.
18:26Hi Celia.
18:27How are you?
18:28I'm OK.
18:28OK.
18:29I don't want to warn you but I just listened to a seven minute guided meditation about creativity
18:33so I think I'm going to crush this.
18:35Wow.
18:36Ooh.
18:37Shoes.
18:44Do the most elegant shoey.
18:48Yuck.
18:49Foul.
18:49Shoes are foul.
18:50Ugh.
18:55Have you designed this for me?
18:57You must use the first shoe you touched.
18:59I didn't touch a shoe yet.
19:01Finally.
19:02Did something wrong.
19:03Something right.
19:03I mean, can't do it.
19:05I touched the shoes before, didn't I?
19:07Mm-hmm.
19:07Most elegant shoeie wins.
19:09You have 20 minutes.
19:10Your time starts now.
19:11I think I touched the crock first.
19:13Is that correct?
19:13Mm-hmm.
19:14I've never done a shoeie but it's so broken.
19:16What is the most elegant shoe?
19:19I think it needs to be the longest shoeie that is possible using this bad boy.
19:25I've touched it.
19:26That's mine.
19:27I'm going to do a stiletto.
19:28Ew.
19:29I'm going with this shoe.
19:30I feel like this is a brogue but this looks like they've got money and kids they don't
19:35speak to.
19:35The most elegant shoeie.
19:37I'm not a very elegant person.
19:38I'm a very elegant person so that's not going to be hard.
19:41Like what's elegant like, like romantic?
19:45Ooh.
19:46Ooh.
19:47We're on a date.
19:48I've actually done a shoeie on a date before.
19:50Did a shoeie on a date?
19:51Yeah, it was really bad.
19:56I like the intellectual contrast we had between the contestants when arriving in the room.
20:01We had Celia walking in going, oh I've listened to a seven minute guided meditation.
20:04Then we had Rove go, shoes!
20:09Okay Tom, who's elegant shoeie are we going to see first?
20:12First up we've got a shoeie enthusiast and a man who hates shoes so much he actually left
20:16his Gucci thong at the set.
20:17It's Brett Blake and Joel Creasy.
20:21I'm going to pretend it's my wedding day.
20:23Oh.
20:24Yeah, because what's more elegant than a wedding?
20:25I need something to marry.
20:27I'll marry Tom.
20:28Pretend you're not there.
20:29Okay.
20:30Yeah.
20:35That rules dude.
20:37I didn't fit into the-
20:37You really need to do some ab crunches.
20:40To be honest, you look about the same as some of the dates I've been on.
20:45I'm so happy at my wedding.
20:47I now pronounce you husband and wife.
20:52Oh, time for a little drink at my own week.
20:57I have actually been wearing the shoe for the whole task.
21:01Oh.
21:01Just for authenticity.
21:03Now I think like Lady and the Tramp.
21:05Oh yeah, keep going.
21:07Oh, I'm so happy.
21:09But I'm so elegant.
21:13I'm so happy.
21:15So I'm going to, I'm going to.
21:19Most romantic shoeie.
21:21And then we're going to do it together.
21:22Ready?
21:22Oh.
21:30Romance.
21:32Buongiorno.
21:37So elegant.
21:39Next.
21:47Brett, I feel like all your dates end with you stomping out going,
21:50next.
21:51Is that how they go?
21:52Pretty much.
21:54You said earlier that you actually did a shoeie on a date.
21:57It was technically a thongie.
21:58I was in a mullet off competition.
22:01Was it a coincidence that you did a date at a pub that just happened to be running a mullet
22:05competition?
22:06It's Perth.
22:07It's Perth.
22:07They're always doing a mullet competition.
22:09And I got second, which is really annoying.
22:11Who bit you?
22:12A guy who did a, he scalded a beer through a Chico roll, which is cheating.
22:18Sorry, I'm still pissed off about it.
22:20Now, Brett, I feel like you were doing your usual thing where you read the task and then
22:24you change the task in your head and you do some other task.
22:29Maybe?
22:30Yeah.
22:31Because we were looking for the most elegant shoeie and you went elegant, romantic.
22:36Elegant, romantic, they're all kind of the same thing.
22:40Now, Lester Tom, you were pretty violent with Joel when you were throwing the rice.
22:44I felt like there was a bit of hate behind that throw.
22:46It was confetti and my instructions were, go nuts with it.
22:50Yeah, but like, you know, like camp nuts.
22:52Like, you know, put on a show, not just like peg it at me.
22:55But I think elegant, I mean, you can't get more elegant than that.
22:59But I have to ask Joel.
23:00Yes?
23:01Is it a shoeie if you put a cup inside a shoe and then you drink out of the cup?
23:06Oh.
23:07Okay.
23:09Well, you don't see anyone at the Formula One going, oh, hang on.
23:14Well, I'm so elegant, I don't go to the Formula One.
23:17So, no, I think I worked with what was there.
23:21I was allowed to use it.
23:22I think you might call that elegant thinking.
23:25I think I'd call it elegant cheating.
23:30All right.
23:31Who's shoeie are we watching next?
23:32It's Anissa Nandola.
24:08That was amazing.
24:10Did you put a cup in the shoe?
24:12No.
24:12No, you did not.
24:15It was bloody great.
24:16What inspired that?
24:17You know those catwalks where they do the thing where they just walk like that?
24:22You mean modelling?
24:24Yeah, there it is.
24:26Yeah, I thought that would be really cool to channel that.
24:28I think she was inspired by the nature of the shoe.
24:30A stylish white sneaker is what you went with.
24:32All right, there we go.
24:35All right, now's your chance to do as many shoeies as you can in the length of one ad break.
24:39If you're not a huge drinker, have a thongy and we'll see you soon.
24:55Welcome back to Taskmaster.
24:57We're trying to improve Australia's drinking culture by showing you how stupid people look when doing shoeies.
25:03That's right, and they do look stupid.
25:06But they're trying to look elegant.
25:07Up next, with a regrettably wide variety of British accents on display, it's Celia and Rove.
25:14Oh, hello. I'm an old billionaire.
25:17And rather than spending my golden years in space or a bunker that I've built,
25:21I prefer to be here at Pearly Grove.
25:24Retirement facility, community and facility.
25:28I say, would you like to join me in this marvellous high tea we have set up?
25:34Why yasai...
25:35Why yasai ma?
25:37Pinkies out, please.
25:39When my dear husband Ralph passed away, I lost my tiny mind.
25:44But rich people are allowed to be insane.
25:47When I said I'd like to have a cup of tea with Ralph and they said, he's passed away, Mavis.
25:51I said, I know. I'm not mad. I just do things how I do them.
25:56Would you like cream?
25:57Yes, please.
25:58Ah.
26:01Excellent.
26:02Here at Pearly Grove, what we say is, the only thing better than an early grave is Pearly Grove.
26:07Because it lets you be yourself.
26:09Even if you're someone who wants to drink tea out of your dead husband's shoe.
26:15I miss you.
26:16I miss you, darling.
26:18I miss you.
26:20Cheers.
26:21Cheers.
26:21To you, my good friend.
26:24Pinkies out.
26:46Long live the king.
26:50Redenald, this tea is not strong enough. Make it again.
27:01I think they were both great. I think they were two great sketches worthy of Skithouse.
27:06Wow.
27:08That's a big deal.
27:09That is a big deal coming from Australian fast bowler. I appreciate it.
27:16You know what, we shouldn't really move on until we get Lesser Tom to do a convincing English accent.
27:21I think he let the team down there a little bit for you, Roe.
27:24I didn't have warning that I was going to be involved.
27:27I mean, I didn't have what?
27:29Oh.
27:34So, Celia, that was a great performance.
27:37Did you set it in a retirement village?
27:39Yes.
27:40I'm just beside myself.
27:41I'm delighted.
27:42That came out better than I thought it was going to.
27:44Did you set it in a retirement village because you wanted to appeal to Rosehaven fans?
27:49Hey.
27:50Hey.
27:51I'll have you know that our fan is 60 at best.
27:56OK, I've got to give out some points, don't I?
27:57That's right.
27:57Most Elegant Shoei wins.
27:59Joel didn't do a Shoei, so that's easy.
28:01OK, one point to Joel.
28:02We're over!
28:03I want a divorce!
28:05I'm going to give two points to Brett because it was kind of romantic, not elegant.
28:09It's a bit hard to split Roe and Celia, but because of the commitment to the gumboot,
28:14I'm going to have to give Celia three, Roe four, and then right at the top, Anissa with five.
28:20Well, that's enough elegance, what have we got next?
28:27Before this task, I mentioned Van Gogh and Brett got excited, but it's to do with painting.
28:43Hello!
28:45Oh!
28:46Crap!
28:46What's your favourite animal?
28:48Oh.
28:48Oh!
28:49My favourite animal is, um, I love .
28:54I'm going to say because I feel like you're going to get me to draw it and I could just
28:59grab that and trace it.
29:00That's a hard one.
29:01I don't really like animals.
29:02The one that I dislike the least.
29:04Probably one I could fight off.
29:06Like a s***.
29:09Alright.
29:10Paint your favourite animal far away from the canvas.
29:15Once paint or brush touches canvas, you may not move.
29:17If the taskmaster cannot correctly guess the animal that you've painted, you'll be disqualified.
29:24You've got to guess what it is.
29:26Not me.
29:26What?
29:27If the taskmaster, aren't you the taskmaster?
29:31What are you then?
29:32I'm the assistant.
29:33Oh, so the other, oh, Boldy's the bloody, yeah, alright.
29:37You may not write any words on the canvas.
29:39Furnest distance painted from wins.
29:41You have 20 minutes and your time starts...
29:48...now.
29:52So just to be clear, we've beat their chosen animals because I have to guess them.
29:56That's right.
29:57So I don't know what they are.
29:58Also, it was a weird coincidence that all of their favourite animals were racial slurs.
30:04Okay.
30:05And also, Brett, just to confirm, we're three episodes into the fifth season of a very successful show called Taskmaster,
30:13and I am the f***ing Taskmaster.
30:16He's the assistant.
30:19Taskmaster, assistant.
30:22Alright, whose painting are we going to see first?
30:24With favourite animals of Beep and Beep, it's Anissa and Joel.
30:27I don't know how I'm going to paint when I'm far away from the canvas.
30:30And once the painter brush touches, I can't move.
30:34It's touched.
30:35I was pretending!
30:37Brushes touched the canvas.
30:38You may not move.
30:39I might need to go get a super soaker.
30:41Put them up.
30:44I think that's enough water.
30:46Okay, so I'm going to draw myself.
30:48I'm not kicking the s***, but I'm just showing that if I had to, I could.
30:52This looks like the s*** doesn't deserve it.
30:55But I would never just hurt an animal for no reason.
30:57So I'm going to have to put a human arm.
31:01So they know that the d*** has done something to deserve this.
31:05Otherwise, it's just f***ed up.
31:07I'm going to have a little practice run.
31:10Oh, this is going to work great! Look at that!
31:12I could sell this, I reckon, afterwards.
31:14Donate the funds to a, you know, animal poaching charity.
31:17Donate it to animal poachers.
31:19No, an anti-poaching charity.
31:20I feel like you're watching me like I'm a kid whose parents got divorced
31:24and I've got problems and you're making me paint my feelings.
31:27How far is that from the truth?
31:29Pretty close.
31:30I'm feeling less confident now that I'm here.
31:35Ah!
31:36Painters touched canvas. You may not move.
31:38Damn it!
31:39This is what I'm thinking.
31:40You take the canvas over there and to make it seem like I painted it,
31:43I'm going to throw the paintbrush out the canvas.
31:45So that's furthest painting.
31:46Okay.
31:49I see it, don't you?
31:51I can't see anything else.
31:52It screams s*** to me.
31:54Go, go, go, go, go.
31:56Stop!
31:59There we go!
32:01Painting from a distance.
32:08I'm done.
32:15Okay.
32:16Uh, Anissa, I feel like you were as far away as a regular painter
32:20with slightly longer arms would have been.
32:22No, I did an aerodynamic paint.
32:26Oh, do you think that really long one's going to count?
32:28100%.
32:28Why?
32:30Because I added to the painting a very integral part.
32:32Oh, okay.
32:33So when you're at someone else's place and they're cooking and they make a beautiful meal,
32:37do you walk over and put parsley on top and go, I cooked all of that.
32:42Okay, I think I'm going to have to take the original distance.
32:45I mean, that's where the painting was done, I guess.
32:47No!
32:47That's a nice job.
32:49When I can explain what mine is, it'll move you to tears.
32:53I, you know, really challenged myself with a super soaker because I wanted to impress the taskmaster.
33:02All right, well, I guess I have to have a guess.
33:04Yeah.
33:05Let's have a look.
33:05And we'll see.
33:08Um, okay.
33:10I think I've got Anissa's because there was a lot of referencing to kicking her and, you know, the way
33:14that you use the word dog.
33:15So I'm guessing Anissa's favourite animal is a dog.
33:18And I think that Joel's favourite animal is flies.
33:25Can I tell you what my favourite animal is?
33:28I'm going to look at it while you say it.
33:30I love elephants and this is...
33:32What?
33:32No, no, wait, wait, wait.
33:34This is a drone shot of a herd of elephants running away from those evil, evil poachers.
33:43I feel we're avoiding the issue of what is Anissa doing to that dog in the painting?
33:48My favourite type of animal is one that I don't have to be scared of.
33:52Your answer when I asked you what your favourite animal is...
33:54Did I just make something up?
33:55No, you said small helpless dog.
34:01Okay, so to get back to the scoring, I didn't get Joel, so we don't count how far away he
34:05was.
34:05It was flies! It was flies!
34:08It was not flies, it was elephants.
34:10Yeah, Joel's fundraiser for the animal poaching community was done from 3.2 metres away,
34:14but it doesn't count. He's disqualified.
34:17Anissa was painting a dog, so her score of 1.1 metres will count.
34:21Okay.
34:23That's too much fine art for my liking.
34:25This is commercial television, goddammit.
34:27We'll see you after these ads!
34:40Welcome back to Taskmaster.
34:42You've made your way back.
34:44You're here.
34:45We're here.
34:46Where are we all going next, Cashman?
34:48Our comedians are trying to paint their favourite animal from as far away as possible.
34:51If you don't recognise the animal and the painting of it, then they are disqualified.
34:55With favourite animals of Beep, Beep, and my personal favourite, Beep, it's Brett, Celia and Rove.
35:04Furthest from the canvas.
35:06Flagpole?
35:06How heavy is that flagpole?
35:08Now, Tom, as we discussed, I'd like to have you involved.
35:11What I'm going to do is I'm going to launch it, like, yack it, real high, and then you've got
35:18to, like, with the canvas, yeah?
35:20Okay.
35:20Do you have any gaffer tape?
35:22Yep.
35:22Good.
35:23Go get tape.
35:24Okay.
35:24Alright.
35:28Good boy.
35:29This is, I don't know if this is going to work.
35:31Okay.
35:33I mean, it looks funny.
35:35I wouldn't touch you with a ten-foot pole.
35:38Oh, no, I wouldn't.
35:39Sorry.
35:39So you've got to guess it at the end for the task to be complete.
35:42I'm not the Taskmaster.
35:43Oh.
35:44That's right.
35:45I already know what it is.
35:46Well, he'll know what it is now because there'll be footage of it.
35:49We're going to blur it.
35:50Okay.
35:50I'm going to write on your forehead because they can't blur your face.
35:56And you've got a monobrow for no reason.
36:01Can you pretend to be my canvas?
36:03Sure.
36:04Could we do a different colour if we're doing it on my face?
36:07Hasn't been cancelled yet.
36:08Let's not start now.
36:11Oh, dude, that's going to rinse you so bad.
36:14Can you get cancelled for being blue face?
36:16I don't think so.
36:17Great.
36:17Okay.
36:24I'm just going to try and make a stamp and we'll see what that looks like.
36:27Okay.
36:27Does that look like **** to you?
36:29Well, we've got time to test whether the slingshot works.
36:36I'm pregnant and there's stirrups or some ****.
36:44Oh, jeez.
36:45So I just want to go, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
36:47Okay.
36:48Hold on.
36:48Let it.
36:49Uh-oh.
36:50No, that's not going to work.
36:51It's too heavy.
36:52Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
36:54One minute and 50 seconds.
36:55Shit, shit, shit.
36:56Tom, help, help.
36:57Hold this, hold.
36:58Do you want to have a go at this?
36:59Yeah.
37:00Come on, have a go.
37:01We've got time.
37:02This is sick.
37:05Hang on.
37:08Ready?
37:12Tom, I'm just going to go for it and just believe in myself.
37:16You touched canvas.
37:18That's what I could feel.
37:20Tom.
37:20Yes.
37:21I've regretted this already.
37:23Alright, back to the task.
37:25Let's go.
37:25The ****.
37:26Grab that.
37:27Okay.
37:28Ready?
37:29Yeah.
37:29Fire in the hole!
37:36My playing ball.
37:38Quick, get that **** off the thing.
37:39Okay, okay.
37:40Something yellow is getting on that canvas, Tom.
37:45This marvellous creature.
37:48So majestic.
37:50How much time have I got left?
37:5149 seconds.
37:5249?
37:53Yeah.
37:54Here comes the ****.
38:04Not bad!
38:11Yes!
38:12Yes!
38:13It's stuck in there as well!
38:16Guess that, Tom!
38:27What?
38:30So, Brett, we continue to see you.
38:32Just, it seems like you just do things that you think will be fun.
38:36Whether it relates to the task or not.
38:38No one is telling me off and I'm just having so much fun.
38:43I was trying to use the animal as like a stamp was my idea.
38:47Okay, but you kept on practising like with balls and all the things that weren't the actual object that you
38:51wanted to use and then at the last second you just threw it and it went in.
38:54Yeah!
38:55Nailed it!
39:01Now, Celia, you were a bit on the same track.
39:03You were making a stamp?
39:05Yep.
39:05Put it on.
39:05I thought I was genius thinking of the flag pole and it wasn't that heavy and then putting the pool
39:09noodle on the end and then I was faced with a very flaccid paintbrush.
39:14Now, Rove, you went for a long pole as well but when you actually went to paint you were instantly
39:19disappointed with what you had but you persevered anyway.
39:21Yeah.
39:22Did you learn that from your years of doing live TV?
39:24Absolutely.
39:25You're like, oh, I'm just going to keep doing.
39:28You'll get there eventually.
39:30Keep on trying, little one.
39:33Alright, well I need to be able to guess what the animals are.
39:35That's right.
39:35That's the price of entry.
39:36So I think we need to see your beautiful artworks.
39:43Tom, Tom, if you don't get that.
39:46No clues, please.
39:47No clues?
39:47No clues!
39:48You can see what Brett's is.
39:51Sorry, I'm a good shot.
39:53Okay, well, I'm going to accept that Brett's is a collage.
39:56Okay.
39:57Collage?
39:57That's not what Bert it is, you dickhead.
40:01Alright.
40:06That was really good.
40:07I'll take it.
40:08Rove, you still appeal to young people.
40:09There we go.
40:11He's back, baby!
40:12He's back, baby!
40:15Yeah, so I'm thinking Brett's is a kookaburra or something like that.
40:18That's correct.
40:20Celia was trying to stamp something.
40:22I have to guess what the original stamp was.
40:24I mean, it kind of looks like a bird too, but I don't really know what one.
40:27I'm going to say maybe a little chicken?
40:30Incorrect.
40:30A baby chick?
40:31I will cut you, Tom.
40:35Try again?
40:35You want to try again?
40:36There's no trying again.
40:37I think you want to try again.
40:37Well, it's yellow, I guess.
40:39Oh, a canary?
40:40Oh, you want to hurt me, don't you?
40:42It's a little yellow bird.
40:45This type of bird is depicted in this way when they're fake.
40:49Oh.
40:49Also, it rhymes with, come on, you ****.
40:58It's a canary.
41:00No.
41:02Yeah, it's a duck, but I've missed it.
41:04I'm so sorry.
41:05I know.
41:05Okay.
41:06Now, Roves.
41:07That's a bit tricky.
41:09Favourite animal.
41:10To me, it looks like an alligator looking to the left.
41:15Incorrect as well.
41:16Oh.
41:16It's meant to be a hippopotamus.
41:18Oh.
41:18Yeah.
41:19You can see it, but there was no hippos to throw at the canvas.
41:24Well, that means Joel, Celia and Rove are all disqualified.
41:29But Anissa somehow ends up with four points.
41:31Oh.
41:32And Brett takes home five points.
41:34Yes.
41:37In terms of the episode scores, we've got Celia in last place on eight points.
41:40Fine.
41:41But Anissa's in the lead with 14 points.
41:46You're all too close to me.
41:48Get on the stage for the final task of the show.
41:50Off you go.
41:55Okay, who's going to read the live task?
41:57Brett will be reading this one.
41:59This is actually my worst nightmare.
42:00This is just like being at school again.
42:02Let's make the dyslexic kid read out loud.
42:05Um.
42:06Blow one of your beach balls into the goal.
42:08You must only blow a beach ball.
42:12And must never touch it deliberately.
42:14You must remain behind the line.
42:17Fastest wins.
42:18You read it perfectly.
42:19You touched it, man.
42:21You touched it.
42:21You touched it.
42:22Take that, year eight English teacher.
42:25Yeah.
42:25I'll take the task from you, Brett.
42:28Ready.
42:29Hey!
42:32Ready.
42:37Set.
42:39This is hot.
42:41Same, brother.
42:43That seems dumb.
42:45Shit!
42:48I might need another ball.
42:49Where's my balls?
42:59Get out of my way!
43:04These are unblowable.
43:06What is happening?
43:07These aren't the eyes of me in my element.
43:29Go on!
43:31Go!
43:32Yes!
43:35Yeah!
43:36Woo!
43:36Yeah!
43:37Holy crap!
43:42Oh
43:59Guys careful
44:03Come on this
44:06Are we still on it? Yeah
44:09What a ball is impossible
44:33Well done
44:35I think mine's frozen
44:36You're adjusting too much
44:38You're adjusting too much
44:40Bring it bitch
44:42Come on Seals you got this
44:44Go close
44:46You get in the basket
44:48Push it
44:50No
44:50No
44:51I'm sorry I tried
44:56I've got to back up
44:58I've got to back up
45:04Okay
45:05Oh go Joel
45:06Go Joel
45:07No
45:08No
45:13No
45:21No
45:27No
45:28No
45:33Maybe we can help each other
45:36Hey
45:42You can still help me get mine
45:44I'll help you
45:44I'll come from the front
45:46Ready 3
45:472
45:481
45:492
45:492
45:502
45:513
45:522
45:522
45:532
45:543
45:543
45:552
45:563
45:572
46:032
46:033
46:043
46:042
46:042
46:043
46:052
46:053
46:053
46:283
46:353
46:373
46:383
46:383
46:393
46:394
46:393
46:394
46:394
46:405
46:425
46:435
46:445
46:446
46:457
46:467
46:468
46:478
46:489
46:499
46:519
46:52Thank you
46:53This is not Q and A
46:55People are watching
46:58Now before you announce the winner
46:59Shall we look at the scores for the series overall?
47:02Yes please
47:03In last place at the moment is Joel on 37 points
47:06But Brett is in the lead at the moment with 51 points
47:12And who is our F 3 champ?
47:15Bret's won the episode with 78 points!
47:19Congratulations to Brett
47:21Head up to the stage and collect your impressive difficult-to-acquire things.
47:27Well, there we go.
47:30But what have we learnt?
47:31Joel wanted so badly to teach us his dog's name,
47:34he told us twice.
47:36Anissa wanted so badly to teach a little dog a lesson,
47:40she painted it happening.
47:42And I learnt there's another Taskmaster's assistant out there
47:45with self-esteem so low he's willing to dress like a dog.
47:50It's the best!
47:52That's goodbye from us and a final congrats to our winner,
47:55Brett!
47:56Goodnight!
48:06Adorable.
48:14This feels pointedly offensive,
48:16which makes me love it.
48:20How did I end up here, Tom?
48:21Ah, ah, ah, Taskmaster!
48:23Are you kidding me?
48:25Taskmaster!
48:26It'll be fun, will it?
48:28I'm on antidepressants, I'm very open about that.
48:30And can I just say, compliments to the chef.
Comments