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Have.I.Got.News.for.You.S70E04
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00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:37Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:41I'm Adel Ray.
00:42In the news this week, at an electrical grid substation in Windsor,
00:46one man asked staff which lever controls the power to the Royal Lodge.
00:51LAUGHTER
00:57With only eight months to go before the World Cup kicks off in America,
01:00FIFA arrange a demonstration of Donald Trump's proposed changes
01:03to the game.
01:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:14And in Interlaken, Switzerland, Klaus, the resourceful staffie,
01:18catches the scent of a new cat in the village down the road.
01:30On Ian's team tonight is a Sky News presenter and journalist
01:34who says that when she was growing up,
01:36her favourite programme was Gladiators,
01:39a more innocent time when Storm, Shadow and Tomahawk
01:42were the stars of the show rather than long-range missiles.
01:45LAUGHTER
01:47Please welcome Sophie Ridge.
01:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:53On Paul's team tonight is a comedian who recently appeared
01:56on The Masked Singer as a box of Christmas decorations.
02:00He prepared thoroughly for the role by spending the previous 11 months
02:03wedged in the corner of the attic.
02:05LAUGHTER
02:06Please welcome Julian Clary.
02:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:10Now, we begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:15Ian and Sophie, here's yours.
02:18Ah, right, that's someone leaving to go to France.
02:21LAUGHTER
02:23No, he's on a plane again.
02:25Bye.
02:27I think that's one in, one out.
02:29This is the revolving door.
02:31And that's him saying, have you smashed the gangs?
02:34LAUGHTER
02:36It's immigration.
02:37Yes, it is.
02:38This is the government's continued commitment
02:40to achieving absolutely nothing on immigration.
02:43LAUGHTER
02:44This is, I think, the one in, one out scheme
02:46between the UK and France.
02:48But it hasn't been going great, because this Iranian guy
02:51comes over, sent back to France,
02:53and then basically just jumps on the first small boat
02:56back to Britain.
02:57Yeah.
02:58The thing that I thought was quite interesting was David Lammy
03:00said it was progress, though.
03:01LAUGHTER
03:02Is the service speeding up?
03:04Well, apparently...
03:06Because he said at least the biometric cheques
03:08meant that they realised someone was making them look ridiculous.
03:11I think that was the idea.
03:12What's going wrong with the Home Office, though?
03:14We've got a Home Office,
03:15we've got a whole office with thousands of people
03:17to sort this out.
03:18Yeah.
03:19They've never sorted it out for years.
03:20Reform's going to change that to the Send Them Home Office.
03:22LAUGHTER
03:24I mean, there are other policies available.
03:26The Tories have just launched a policy.
03:28Go on.
03:29All the people are here legally.
03:30Oh, yeah.
03:31Right, right.
03:32Well, that's a bit of a cracker.
03:33Where are they going to deport me to, my family?
03:35I mean, Barbados would be nice.
03:37That would be lovely.
03:38Serbia, I think.
03:40No, not them.
03:42LAUGHTER
03:43No offence for any Serbians here.
03:45Yeah.
03:46I love you.
03:47Some of my best friends are Serbian.
03:48LAUGHTER
03:50Yes, this is yet another misstep by the Home Office.
03:55Speaking to Politico, one former Tory aide summed it up like this.
04:00It's a 24-7 circus of shit...
04:03LAUGHTER
04:06Have you got tickets for the circus of shit, Paul?
04:08I'm not sitting in the front row.
04:10LAUGHTER
04:14What else is going wrong for the government this week?
04:17Grooming gangs, that inquiry's falling apart.
04:20They can't find a suitable chair and then some of the participants
04:23have resigned.
04:24And the Labour Party didn't want to have the investigation anyway.
04:26They got bounced into it by Elon Musk,
04:29who is Prime Minister a lot of the time.
04:32LAUGHTER
04:33And seems to dictate policy.
04:35So, I mean, it is a mess.
04:37Now, normally reform would have had a field day with this.
04:40Why were they distracted this week?
04:42Kent County Council are in a bit of an uproar at the moment
04:44because there was a video link between several councillors
04:47and she started swearing and saying, you know, just suck it up.
04:50LAUGHTER
04:51I beg your pardon?
04:52It's one way to clear the potholes.
04:54LAUGHTER
04:57Shall we see it?
04:58Yeah, if we'd love it.
04:59Sometimes I will make a decision
05:01that might not be liked by everybody in the group,
05:04but I'm afraid
05:06you're just going to have to fucking suck it up, OK?
05:09Because I am the democratically elected leader
05:11and my requirement of that is...
05:12And then we'll be briefed as it goes...
05:14Paul!
05:15Paul, I'm going to mute you in a minute.
05:16Let me get my...
05:17Let me reply.
05:18We're running out of time.
05:19It's all right, Brian.
05:20You keep laughing your head off me.
05:22In the committee meeting...
05:23LAUGHTER
05:24I love they've got nine councillors
05:28and they've found two Bryans!
05:30LAUGHTER
05:32And I like the fact you have to have a union flag for a Zoom call.
05:36LAUGHTER
05:37She's really cross because she said everyone is going to judge
05:40the whole Reform Party nationally on how we behave in Kent.
05:45LAUGHTER
05:47And, of course, not everyone can wear horizontal stripes.
05:50No.
05:51LAUGHTER
05:53So, four councillors have been suspended after that,
06:02although not the sweary leader for bringing the party into disrepute.
06:06But, of course, everyone can make mistakes, though, can't they, Sophie?
06:10LAUGHTER
06:12LAUGHTER
06:13There has been a number.
06:15Yes.
06:16There's one really, really embarrassing one
06:18that I have a horrible feeling it is.
06:19I think it might be that one.
06:20Yeah.
06:21Let's have a look.
06:22Hello again.
06:23We're live from the Glasgow Science Centre,
06:25talking to all the party leaders north of the border
06:27and joining us in our studio now is the leader of Scottish Labour...
06:30Labour...
06:31Sorry.
06:32LAUGHTER
06:33So glad I came on tonight. Thanks, guys.
06:44Now, there's a possibility that Reform might win the Kefili by-election,
06:47although the Labour candidate's been pulling out all the stops
06:50on social media.
06:52Would you like to see his campaign video?
06:54No, not really.
06:55Well, you're going to have...
06:56LAUGHTER
06:57I'll pass you again.
06:58Would you like to see his campaign video?
06:59Not really.
07:00LAUGHTER
07:02Paul Merton would really like to see his campaign video.
07:05I should close my eyes.
07:07LAUGHTER
07:08But daddy is a state of mind, you know what I'm saying?
07:11I'm your daddy.
07:13I would be your father's leader
07:15Put your tiny hand on mine
07:17I would be your preacher's teacher
07:20Anything you have to do
07:22LAUGHTER
07:23That's amazing.
07:24Oh, I've got a semi...
07:25Have you?
07:26LAUGHTER
07:28APPLAUSE
07:30APPLAUSE
07:31He wouldn't be hard to catch, would he?
07:34LAUGHTER
07:35Julian, I'm thinking of becoming a homosexual.
07:37LAUGHTER
07:38What are the hours?
07:3924-7.
07:40Is it?
07:41I'll sign up.
07:42This is a whole new TikTok thing, isn't it?
07:45Are you on TikTok, Ian?
07:46Yes, all the time.
07:47LAUGHTER
07:48It's a lot more difficult than being a homosexual, I tell you.
07:51LAUGHTER
07:52Are you speaking for personal experience?
07:55LAUGHTER
07:56Look, school one tries everything.
07:58LAUGHTER
07:59Finally, who came to haunt us this week?
08:03Who came back?
08:04Boris Johnson.
08:05Yes!
08:06Boris Johnson.
08:07Boris Johnson came back to give evidence of the Covid inquiry this week.
08:11Here he is arriving...
08:14LAUGHTER
08:15Putting across that familiar air of calmness and tranquillity.
08:19LAUGHTER
08:21Did you like his comeback, Paul?
08:23No.
08:24No?
08:25Didn't watch any of it, to be honest.
08:26Oh, really?
08:27Yeah, I couldn't make my television work.
08:29LAUGHTER
08:30Do we know what he was giving evidence about?
08:32Covid.
08:33Schools.
08:34Yeah.
08:35Closed down.
08:36Yes.
08:37And none of it was his fault.
08:38No, none of it was his fault, never is.
08:39Yeah, there was this kind of big row between, you know,
08:41him and the then Education Secretary Gavin Williamson
08:44about whether they had a proper plan in place
08:46about what they should do if they had to close schools.
08:49But don't you feel the fact that Boris said,
08:51we have a plan, means they didn't?
08:53LAUGHTER
08:54You can probably go where I can't on this, Ian.
08:57It's probably better.
08:58Do you think he made it all up?
09:00I do.
09:01LAUGHTER
09:04He did have an interest in schools.
09:05I mean, they're thousands of his children.
09:07LAUGHTER
09:10So, Boris is very busy writing books, apparently.
09:14Do you know what Boris uses to help him write books?
09:18AI.
09:19Oh.
09:20But he...
09:21It answers it in a very strange way, doesn't he?
09:22He gave an interview the other day where he sort of chubbitit
09:24or something like that.
09:25Well, let's have a look, shall we?
09:26I love AI.
09:27Do you use AI?
09:28Absolutely.
09:29Do you use chubbitit?
09:30I love it.
09:31I love it.
09:32Chubbitit is...
09:34LAUGHTER
09:35What do you use it for?
09:38What do you use it for?
09:40Well, I'm writing various books and I...
09:42But I just use it, I just ask questions.
09:44You know that the answer...
09:46But chubbitit always says,
09:47Oh, the questions are clever.
09:49You're brilliant.
09:50You're excellent.
09:51You have such insight.
09:52And I love it.
09:54LAUGHTER
09:55Do you need to use...
09:56Uh...
09:57LAUGHTER
09:58LAUGHTER
09:59I haven't recovered from his hair yet.
10:04LAUGHTER
10:05Looks like he's been plugged into the national grid.
10:08LAUGHTER
10:09He's clowing that light behind him.
10:11LAUGHTER
10:12This is the government's migrant policy.
10:14The government are struggling to enforce their policy of one-in-one-out,
10:19which is embarrassing when they can enforce a one-in-one-out policy
10:23in Jolly's nightclub, Stoke-on-Trent.
10:26LAUGHTER
10:27This week, a Zoom meeting held by reform councillors in Kent
10:30got a bit heated.
10:31The leader of the council told the meeting she didn't need this grief
10:34as she was meant to be going on bloody holiday.
10:37LAUGHTER
10:38Might I recommend Clacton?
10:39There's an empty house there you can use.
10:41LAUGHTER
10:42Sophie Ridge once referred to Kezia Dugdale
10:47as the leader of the Scottish labia.
10:49She later apologised and explained she didn't mean it clitorally.
10:53LAUGHTER
11:02Paul and Julian, here's yours.
11:04Oh, good.
11:05Ah, yes, this is the fervour adventures of the biggest tosspot
11:08they ever lived.
11:09LAUGHTER
11:11APPLAUSE
11:14Yeah, there he is, Trump.
11:15He's knocking down the east wing of the White House,
11:17which is not even a metaphor for what he's doing to America.
11:20It's too obvious and blatant and on the nose for that.
11:23Yeah, he said he would pay total respect to the existing building,
11:26which I thought was quite...
11:27He loves it, apparently.
11:28He thinks it's lovely.
11:29Then will it be finished, do we know?
11:30Quickly.
11:31Quickly.
11:32Yeah, quickly.
11:33Quickly, quickly.
11:34LAUGHTER
11:35So we see him getting excited about this construction.
11:37You probably hear the beautiful sound of construction to the back.
11:41You hear that sound?
11:42Oh.
11:43That's music to my ears, I love that sound.
11:45Other people don't like it, I love it, Josh.
11:47I think when I hear that sound, it reminds me of money.
11:53It's going to cost $250 million.
11:56He had a fundraising dinner.
11:57Who do you think was at the fundraising dinner?
11:59Oh, Faraj.
12:00Do you think he's donating?
12:02No, but he's always sniffing round there.
12:04Is he really?
12:05Sort of like the head of Amazon, Elon Musk, people like that.
12:08Absolutely right.
12:09Representances from Amazon, Meta and Palantir were there.
12:13Mordor, Beelzebub and Voldemort sent their apologies.
12:16LAUGHTER
12:18Now, who's not happy with the reconstruction?
12:22Melania?
12:23Oh, yeah, why wouldn't Melania be happy?
12:25Oh, yeah, because it's where the First Lady's quarters are,
12:27isn't it, in the East Wing?
12:28So she's got to go and live in a rose bush.
12:31LAUGHTER
12:32What else has Trump been changing at the White House?
12:35His underwear.
12:37What underwear do you think he has?
12:40Padded and absorbent.
12:42LAUGHTER
12:49He's paved over...
12:50The Rose Garden, yeah.
12:52The Rose Garden gone, then?
12:53Yes, they've concreted over.
12:54I wouldn't mind if he'd been under it.
12:56LAUGHTER
12:57LAUGHTER
13:02Also, he's redecorated the Oval Office.
13:05Mm.
13:06This is the Oval Office before Trump took power.
13:10And here it is after.
13:13LAUGHTER
13:14Wow.
13:15We've got Keir Starmer's change.
13:16So, he's Joe Biden.
13:20LAUGHTER
13:21And we can assure you we didn't use eh-ah.
13:25LAUGHTER
13:26And it's all genuine gold, is it?
13:28It's not Farrow and Ball, I'll tell you.
13:31LAUGHTER
13:32Critic Kate Wagner described it as regional car dealership Rococo.
13:41I think I used to hear them on John Peel back in the day.
13:45So, what's Trump finally realised?
13:48This is the whole Ukraine talks where Donald Trump and Putin have obviously been, you know, kind of flip-flopping, I think it's fair to say.
13:57It seemed like they were best buddies and they're kind of falling out and I think they're back in the falling out stage.
14:01They've called off the peace talks.
14:03They say that there's no point meeting any more because Putin isn't doing what Donald Trump wants them to do.
14:08What?
14:09Basically.
14:10The theory is that Trump listens to the last person who spoke to him.
14:12Wow.
14:13So, you've just got to get someone into the White House, disguised.
14:17LAUGHTER
14:18To say, resign.
14:20LAUGHTER
14:22Closer to home, what big football row has been rumbling on here?
14:27I'm glazing over.
14:28LAUGHTER
14:29This is the decision to ban Israeli football team Maccabi Tel Aviv
14:34from bringing fans to their upcoming game against the mighty Aston Villa
14:39over fears of a hostile, violent environment.
14:43Did you say the mighty Aston Villa?
14:44Yes.
14:45So, I presume you're a fan, aren't you?
14:47I am a fan, yes.
14:48And there's the other one over there.
14:50LAUGHTER
14:53Keir Starmer has criticised the ban as unfriendly towards Israel.
14:57Why is he wrong about that, then?
14:59Because other people who ban this team include Israel.
15:02Hmm.
15:03LAUGHTER
15:05So...
15:06Has he banned the team or the fans?
15:08The fans.
15:09The fans.
15:10He's banned the fans.
15:11Fans have been asked not to call.
15:12Oh, you just said the team.
15:13Oh, sorry.
15:14How stupid and inaccurate of me.
15:15Ian doesn't know anything about football.
15:16In fact, he's going to become the next manager of Nottingham Forest.
15:19LAUGHTER
15:21I don't even know why that's funny.
15:23LAUGHTER
15:26So, yes, they've been rioting in Israel.
15:28By the way, I don't think they're actually banned in Israel itself.
15:30No, there's just one match.
15:31But they have been sanctioned.
15:32They have been sanctioned.
15:33Their game was cancelled.
15:34Yeah.
15:35The team are coming, but they've got to play in a stadium
15:37with none of their fans, then.
15:38That's it.
15:39That's right.
15:40That's right, is it?
15:41LAUGHTER
15:42You need your fans to chivvy you along, don't you?
15:45Chivvy?
15:46Come on.
15:47Those do play.
15:48Come on, lads.
15:49LAUGHTER
15:50Sticking with your favourite subject, football,
15:52there were more shocking football scenes this weekend
15:55when Manchester United beat Liverpool at Anfield
15:57for the first time in nine years.
15:59Yes.
16:00Let's see a Man United fan reacting to the winning goal.
16:02Keep an eye on the bloke on the right.
16:05No!
16:06Oh!
16:07Yes!
16:08Yes!
16:09Yes!
16:10Yes!
16:11Yes!
16:12Yes!
16:13Yes!
16:14Yes!
16:15Yes!
16:16Yes!
16:17Yes!
16:18Yes!
16:19Yes!
16:20Yes!
16:21Yes!
16:22Yes!
16:23Yes!
16:24I'd pay good money to have that experience.
16:26LAUGHTER
16:27So, this is Donald Trump's construction of a new ballroom
16:32at the White House.
16:33According to the BBC, estimates for how many people
16:36the new ballroom will hold range from 600 to 900.
16:41Well, if they're American, 600.
16:44LAUGHTER
16:47The building work is taking place in the East Wing,
16:49which has long been the traditional base of operations
16:52for the First Lady, which has got Melania quite worried
16:55in case they discover that tunnel she's been digging.
16:58LAUGHTER
17:01Here is the East Wing.
17:04Obviously, using that well-known construction company,
17:07the IDF.
17:08LAUGHTER
17:10Is that a football team?
17:13LAUGHTER
17:15APPLAUSE
17:17And so, to round two, the picture-spin quiz.
17:23Fingers on buzzers, teams.
17:26BUZZER
17:28BUZZER
17:29BUZZER
17:30Oh!
17:31BUZZER
17:32As somebody said, I bet he's sweating now.
17:34LAUGHTER
17:36APPLAUSE
17:38Prince Andrew, next question.
17:42LAUGHTER
17:43This is the disgrace and fall from favour of Prince Andrew,
17:47or, as the Sun put it this week, the Bandol Duke of York.
17:51LAUGHTER
17:53This is the whole thing about Prince Andrew having to give up
17:57his royal titles, and then there's this big row about the house as well,
18:00right, the kind of royal lodge with the 30 bedrooms that he's been living in
18:03and paying a peppercorn rent, so...
18:05I mean, I think they'll strip away the lot.
18:07Soon he won't even be allowed to use the word Andrew.
18:10LAUGHTER
18:12What do you think we'll call him?
18:13We'll call him, um, 76428.
18:17LAUGHTER
18:19He'll finally be at his majesty's pleasure.
18:23LAUGHTER
18:24Hello, are you my Uber driver?
18:26LAUGHTER
18:29Master chef with Prince Andrew.
18:32LAUGHTER
18:34Pizzas?
18:36LAUGHTER
18:38He might go into exile, though, mightn't he?
18:40Isn't there a palace waiting for him in Dubai?
18:43Really?
18:44Mmm.
18:45That's what I'd do if I was him.
18:47It's hot out there, but he'll acclimatise.
18:50LAUGHTER
18:51Now, what did he ask somebody to do?
18:54Yes, he was one of his security people to find out the, uh,
18:58Virginia Dufresne social security number?
19:00Yeah.
19:01Dig up dirt, was it?
19:02Dig up dirt, yeah.
19:03Yes, exactly.
19:04It would seem she has a criminal record in the States.
19:07I've given her DOB and security number for investigation
19:11to redacted protection officer.
19:14And how did he know that?
19:15LAUGHTER
19:16Andrew continues to vigorously deny all wrongdoing.
19:20And our lawyers would like to emphasise
19:22that his former royal highness has given £12 million of his mum's
19:25money to someone he's never met before
19:27and renounced all his titles for something he didn't do
19:30with the same person he's never met before at the house
19:32of someone he was only friends with, to be polite.
19:34I hope that clears things up.
19:36APPLAUSE
19:38Talking about offences and royals, who was the first senior royal
19:47to be convicted of an offence? Do we know?
19:49Was the Queen Mother done for GBH?
19:51LAUGHTER
19:53Can you tell us more about that incident?
19:56Who was it?
19:57Who was she attacking?
19:58She was walking round Tower Hamlets one night.
20:00Right.
20:01She'd had a few.
20:02Yeah.
20:03She burst into a kebab shop and said,
20:04all right, who wants some?
20:05Right.
20:0624 foot 11, but wallop, one after the other.
20:08LAUGHTER
20:10Princess Anne?
20:11It was Princess Anne.
20:12The Princess Royal was prosecuted under the Dangerous Dogs Act
20:16when, according to The Guardian, Dottie bit two children.
20:20LAUGHTER
20:21Although the rest of the family just call her Anne.
20:24LAUGHTER
20:26This is the jobless, titleless, shameless Prince Andrew,
20:30who now, according to The Sun, spends much of his time
20:33in the Royal Lodge watching a giant TV.
20:36Good evening, Andrew.
20:38LAUGHTER
20:40Time now for the odd one-out round.
20:47Just one between you this week.
20:49Your four are a pub in the Costa del Sol,
20:51the government's website, Ed Miliband and a penguin.
20:55I only know the penguin one.
20:57Go on.
20:58They're not allowed to call themselves chocolate any more.
21:00Oh, yes, I see.
21:01Cos there's not enough chocolate in it.
21:02That's right.
21:03So they can no longer say, this is a chocolate bar.
21:05It's a bit like Prince Andrew, isn't it?
21:07It is.
21:08Ed Miliband.
21:09Yeah.
21:10Is this about how he promised that he could cut energy bills
21:13by £300 and he now can't do that any more,
21:15so he's not allowed to say that any more?
21:17It's good, but it's no, it's not what we're looking for.
21:19But he's redefined something.
21:21He's trying to reb...
21:23Rebrand Grilling for Oil as helping the birds get black.
21:27LAUGHTER
21:30The pub in Spain is there, Wetherspains.
21:32I bet it's had to change its name.
21:33Yes, they can't like Wetherspains.
21:34Good day.
21:35You're on to something there.
21:37With Miliband, he wants to rebrand a particular type
21:39of well-known profession.
21:41Oh, plumbers?
21:42Yes.
21:43They're going to become water engineers.
21:45LAUGHTER
21:46I think they're going to become clean energy specialists.
21:49Absolutely, that's what it is.
21:51They've all had a rebrand, apart from Ed Miliband,
21:54who's trying to rebrand plumbers.
21:56According to The Telegraph, Miliband wants to rebrand them
21:59as clean energy workers.
22:02Even when they're unblocking your...
22:06It's part of the government's drive to create 400,000 jobs
22:10in the clean energy sector by 2030.
22:13Who thinks they can do a better job than Ed Miliband?
22:16His brother?
22:17Yes.
22:18Someone else.
22:19A famous TV sort of star.
22:20Oh!
22:21Joe Pasquale.
22:22It's Jeremy Clarkson.
22:23It is Jeremy Clarkson.
22:24He said he's going to stand in Miliband's constituency.
22:25That's right.
22:26According to The Telegraph,
22:27one pollster said Clarkson entering politics
22:29could be Britain's Donald Trump moment.
22:31That's something to look forward to, isn't it?
22:33I came here to be cheered up.
22:34Yeah.
22:35Me too, but by you.
22:36There's an offer.
22:37There's an offer.
22:38What's wrong with the name of this pub in the Costa del Sol, then, Paul?
22:41You mentioned...
22:42Well, it's Wetherspains, and obviously there's a very lucrative pub chain
22:44called Wetherspoons, and I imagine they're sort of not very happy about the close proximity
22:46of the pub.
22:47of the two names.
22:48Absolutely.
22:49What are the big differences between Wetherspoons and Wetherspains, do you think?
22:51Well, it's Wetherspoons, and obviously there's a very lucrative pub chain called Wetherspoons,
22:54and I imagine they're sort of not very happy about the close proximity of the two names.
23:11Absolutely.
23:12What are the big differences between Wetherspoons and Wetherspains, do you think?
23:16Well, as the name suggests, one of them is in Spain.
23:19LAUGHTER
23:20Yes.
23:21Well, one Wetherspains punter described the name, saying,
23:24It's weather, not weather, and it's in Spain.
23:27LAUGHTER
23:28While another told The Sun,
23:30The terrace of our Wetherspoons back home overlooks an Asda car park.
23:34LAUGHTER
23:35So the sea view from here is a lot nicer.
23:39The GUT UK website has had a radical overhaul.
23:43Here's the old logo.
23:44Yeah, OK, good.
23:45Yeah, good.
23:46Yeah, good.
23:47And here is the new one.
23:49LAUGHTER
23:50Can we see that again?
23:51Old one?
23:52New one!
23:53Oh...
23:54It's like one of those tests you get the optician from.
23:56LAUGHTER
24:00Instead of using the punctuation correctly, they've raised it,
24:04so that it's functionally illiterate.
24:07LAUGHTER
24:08I suppose that's on brand.
24:10LAUGHTER
24:11You mentioned this earlier.
24:12Penguins can no longer be legally described as chocolate
24:14due to a reduction of cocoa in their recipes.
24:17Their status has now been downgraded to chocolate flavour.
24:21LAUGHTER
24:22Now, Penguin isn't the only biscuit to have suffered this fate.
24:25Club!
24:26We're coming on to that.
24:27Club biscuit.
24:28We're coming on to that.
24:29Oh, yeah.
24:30OK.
24:31Yeah.
24:32Who fancies a quick game of choc-a-lot or choc-a-not?
24:36BUZZER
24:37Club biscuit!
24:38Wait!
24:39Wait!
24:40It is choc-a-not.
24:43Now, do you remember this, Club Biscuit's classic slogan?
24:47If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit, join our club!
24:52See, it's clever advertising,
24:54because it's not saying there is a lot of chocolate on a club biscuit.
24:56No.
24:57If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit, then join our club.
25:00But you may not find a lot of chocolate on this club,
25:02even though that's your preferred biscuit of choice.
25:05Yeah.
25:06I think I'm going mad.
25:08LAUGHTER
25:09What have they now changed the slogan to?
25:12If you don't want any chocolate on your biscuit...
25:14LAUGHTER
25:15Eat one of these.
25:17LAUGHTER
25:18Club have had to change their slogan to,
25:21if you like a lot of biscuit in your break, join our club.
25:25Oh, no!
25:26Oh, it's not the same.
25:27So, they've all had a rebrand apart from Ed Miliband,
25:29who's trying to rebrand plumbers.
25:31Energy Secretary Ed Miliband has announced that 10,000 new green plumbers
25:36will arrive in five years, although he can't say whether they're coming
25:39in the morning or afternoon...
25:42LAUGHTER
25:43..because they've got another job on in Croydon.
25:45LAUGHTER
25:46Time now for the missing words round,
25:48which this week features its guest publication, Tomato News.
25:52LAUGHTER
25:53Now incorporating, actually, It's a Fruit Weekly.
25:56LAUGHTER
25:57And we start with...
25:58The International Mediterranean Association of Processed Tomatoes
26:02has made the decision to what?
26:04Rename itself.
26:06LAUGHTER
26:07Change its name to Off Tom.
26:09LAUGHTER
26:10LAUGHTER
26:11APPLAUSE
26:13The answer is...
26:14The International Mediterranean Association of Processed Tomatoes
26:18has made the decision to admit the Association of Traditional
26:21Bulgarian Perthry as its newest member.
26:24LAUGHTER
26:25Close.
26:26Yeah, we would have got there in the end.
26:27Right.
26:28Next.
26:29Scientists inspired by sea creatures say one day you'll be able to...
26:33What?
26:34Grow extra limbs.
26:35Grow an extra leg.
26:36Win a three-legged race on your own.
26:38Grow tomatoes underwater.
26:39Breathe underwater.
26:40Breathe underwater.
26:41Breathe...
26:42Breathe...
26:43Breathe...
26:44Breathe...
26:45Breathe...
26:46Breathe...
26:47Something about...
26:48What else?
26:49Where else could you breathe?
26:50Out your arse.
26:51Yes!
26:52What?
26:53Yes!
26:54No!
26:55This is absolutely true!
26:56LAUGHTER
26:57Finally, German priest surprised to discover what
27:00while watching TV documentary.
27:02Discovering his house has been condemned.
27:04Worse than that.
27:05His tomatoes have been condemned.
27:07You know?
27:08German priest surprised to discover he's Himmler's grandson
27:13while watching TV documentary.
27:15Oh!
27:16Priest Henrik Linkert said,
27:18If one could resurrect people,
27:20I'd grab grandpa and give him a good thrashing.
27:24Oh, that's priests for you, isn't it?
27:26LAUGHTER
27:27APPLAUSE
27:32So, the final scores are...
27:34Ian and Sophie have six.
27:36And Paul and Julian have six.
27:38APPLAUSE
27:41On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
27:44Ian Hislop and Sophie Ridge, Paul Merton and Julian Cleary,
27:47and I leave you with news that the manager of the Waitrose
27:50in Slough questions a suspected shoplifter
27:52about some vegetables she failed to put through the self-scanner.
28:00In the Cabinet Office,
28:01just as Rachel Reeves is announcing her tax plans,
28:04Wes Streeting starts taking the tinfoil office sandwiches.
28:11And in Shropshire, a jolly pumpkin is photographed
28:14with some of the other local produce.
28:19LAUGHTER
28:20Good night.
28:33A story of friendship, board games
28:35and finding your way in the world.
28:37Watch Leonard and Hungry Paul on iPlayer.
28:39And when it comes to troubled minds,
28:41trust me, nobody knows more than Alan Partridge.
28:44How are you next?
28:45Here on BBC One.
28:57You're sure I was gay enough in the show?
29:02You're gay?
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