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Have I Got News for You S70 E07

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00:00Oh, my God!
00:30Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Gabby Logan. In the news this week,
00:41at Britain's largest container crane in Tilbury, the operator has just been told to expect a visit
00:47from Rachel Reeves. In Bristol, one man describes his experience of going dogging for the first
00:57time. It's raw, it's enjoyable, it's thrilling. And following the panorama controversy, the BBC
01:06confirm they've checked that all footage of Donald Trump used in this show has been edited fairly.
01:12My love watcher, have I got news for you. It's incredible. What a show it continues to be.
01:21On Ian's team tonight is a presenter on Channel 4 News who says she met her husband,
01:27in Oxford, when they shared a punt. I assume they were on the river, not in Ladbrokes,
01:31placing an accumulator on the Grand National. Please welcome Cathy Newman.
01:38On Paul's team tonight is a comedian who makes no bones about his contempt for Donald Trump.
01:44Please welcome the new editor of Panorama, Nish Kumar.
01:47So, we begin with the bigger news stories of the week. Ian and Cathy, here's yours.
01:55Oh, that's the previous Prime Minister.
01:58That's him racking up some more air miles.
02:01Yes. Oh, and that's next week's Prime Minister.
02:04This is the Labour Party having a civil war.
02:09They've imitated most of the previous government's antics, so they thought,
02:13why not have a civil war?
02:15But also, isn't Keir Starmer with kids telling them not to listen to the voices
02:20in their head telling them that they're no good?
02:22Yeah, but the voices in his head are coming from outside.
02:24LAUGHTER
02:26It is the government descending into further chaos.
02:29Yes. A recent YouGov poll does seem to indicate the public aren't happy.
02:3345% of Labour voters want Keir out before the next election.
02:3830% think the last Conservative government was more competent than this one.
02:4340% think Rishi Sunak was a better Prime Minister than Keir Starmer.
02:47Oh, that's tough.
02:48LAUGHTER
02:49That really is.
02:51On polls and surveys, who or what do 44% of people trust more than anyone,
02:55including their family?
02:57God?
02:58Close. AI.
03:01Oh. Oh, that's just tragic.
03:03There was a whole bunch of people turned up in Buckingham Palace
03:05expecting to find a Christmas fair, cos it's been advertised via AI.
03:10Really? Yeah.
03:11It was on the news earlier.
03:12It's one of those things I watch before the show.
03:14LAUGHTER
03:16AI is extraordinarily unreliable.
03:18And the head of Google said this week,
03:20don't trust AI, and you think, you put it out there!
03:24LAUGHTER
03:24Like, my job is just standing around being an idiot,
03:28and if I can't do that without computer assistance...
03:31LAUGHTER
03:33I've got real problems, man.
03:35AI keeps describing me as a successful comedian,
03:38so you know it's a bag of shit.
03:39LAUGHTER
03:40OK, back to Labour's week, though. Yes.
03:42A band of 80 rebel MPs are said to be lining up any number
03:46of useless potential challenges to Keir Starmer.
03:49What's the word that Labour used to use to describe this sort of thing
03:52when it was happening to the Tories when they were in power?
03:54Psychodrama.
03:55Ian's on the money. Shall we have a look?
03:57Nobody wants this to be part of a psychodrama in the Conservative Party.
04:02The whole Brexit thing seems to me to be some sort of Tory psychodrama.
04:06We're seeing a psychodrama within the Conservative Party.
04:10The latest chapter in the Conservative Party's psychodrama.
04:14The latest instalment in a Tory psychodrama.
04:17We're all stuck in their psychodrama.
04:20LAUGHTER
04:21Typical Keir, he gives it a different intonation.
04:24LAUGHTER
04:25I think they and the public and everybody else has just forgotten
04:29that normally you have a Prime Minister for a set number of years.
04:32Nowadays, someone's been in for about a couple of months
04:35and we think, eh, boring, let's have another Prime Minister.
04:37LAUGHTER
04:38Who else is there? Swipe left.
04:40So...
04:41Swipe right, usually.
04:42LAUGHTER
04:44Well, this is quite good for me,
04:45because my husband knows I don't use data caps, by the second part.
04:48LAUGHTER
04:50West Streeting was elevated to the top of the pile of challengers
04:54by a cack-handed briefing operation.
04:56A group of MPs were asked in 2018,
04:59who do you think will be Prime Minister in ten years?
05:02And they all said, oh, it could be, you know, this person, this person.
05:04West Streeting said, me.
05:05LAUGHTER
05:07Kathy, he's always been known for his ambition, has he?
05:10Most politicians, you think, oh, God, here comes the soundbite again.
05:13But with West Streeting, he actually looks like he's answering it
05:16quite naturally, so he has got that skill.
05:17You know, you were talking about Keir Starmer the other day...
05:20Well, not the other day, I mean just now.
05:22LAUGHTER
05:24It's been a very long recording.
05:26LAUGHTER
05:27The BBC has edited those two bits together.
05:30LAUGHTER
05:35When you talk about Keir Starmer sort of delivering this very,
05:38sort of, dead pan, you know, Wes can deliver his lines...
05:41Yes.
05:42..like he's just thought of it.
05:43Yeah.
05:44There's a problem for Starmer that he set himself up as somebody
05:46who gets stuff done and he kept saying, our mission is delivery,
05:49delivery, delivery, delivery, and now they've got into government,
05:52they're not delivering anything.
05:54It's like you've ordered a package from Yodel and three days later
05:57you've got a photo sent through that says, we've delivered your package
06:00and it turns out they've kicked it into a bin and it's not even your bin.
06:03LAUGHTER
06:04Well, West Streeting is very good at delivering a message, robotically.
06:09Let's have a look.
06:10West Streeting, are you a faithful or are you a traitor?
06:14I'm a faithful.
06:15In fact, what you've seen from a silly number ten source overnight
06:19is probably the worst attack on a faithful since Joe Marler
06:22was banished in the Traitors final.
06:24I think whoever's been briefing this has been watching
06:26Too Much Celebrity Traitors and this is just about the worst attack
06:29on a faithful I've seen since Joe Marler was kicked out
06:32and banished in the final.
06:33Too Much Celebrity Traitors and this is just about the most appalling
06:37attack on a faithful I've seen since Joe Marler was banished
06:40in the final.
06:41The most unwarranted attack on a faithful since Joe Marler
06:44was banished in the Traitors final.
06:46The most unjustified attack on a faithful since Joe Marler
06:49was banished in the final.
06:50The most unjustified attack on a faithful since Joe Marler was banished.
06:54LAUGHTER
07:01I think if you paid for a good joke you've got to keep using it, right?
07:04Somebody's written that for him.
07:05That feels like a dig at me, Gabby.
07:08LAUGHTER
07:09That is the most unjustified attack on a faithful since Joe Marler.
07:12LAUGHTER
07:14APPLAUSE
07:16Well, Ed Miliband won't be leader.
07:21He's very popular though, isn't he?
07:23He's really cracked social media.
07:24He's done a TikTok joke for young people.
07:26Mm.
07:27But I'm going to share it with you guys.
07:29LAUGHTER
07:31Are a new nuclear technology that can create good jobs across Britain.
07:36We're building the first fleet of SMRs in North Wales, creating 3,000 jobs.
07:43Clean home-grown power for energy security, jobs, and to tackle the climate crisis.
07:52Ed, this is an SMR video, not an ASMR video.
07:56LAUGHTER
07:58That is that whispery thing that saw the rage on TikTok, or was, about six months ago,
08:03which is why Ed Miliband suddenly picked up on it.
08:05Paul, did that come across?
08:07Sorry, I was in a light coma, sorry.
08:09LAUGHTER
08:10My eyes were open but I wasn't listening.
08:12Did it cut across your algorithm?
08:13I had no idea what he was talking about.
08:15What does ASMR stand for?
08:17A sexy man reading.
08:20LAUGHTER
08:25What about Shibana Mahmood?
08:26She has introduced her get tough on immigration policies.
08:30What are the core planks?
08:32She did a small boats policy, which some of her critics have said
08:35is basically a reprisal of the hostile environment,
08:38which means that you deport people, particularly Albanians.
08:41She's picked a fight with Edi Rama, who's the Albanian Prime Minister,
08:45who I would say is quite brave to pick a fight with him,
08:48because he is a giant and she's not.
08:51So, that's...
08:53I don't think it's decided on a straight physical fight.
08:56LAUGHTER
08:57Do you remember when he met Georgia Maloney and he practically
09:00sort of picked her up?
09:02No.
09:04LAUGHTER
09:05We've got that picture now.
09:07Ah, there you go.
09:09Oh, God.
09:10You're right, he is quite big.
09:12Never have high-heeled shoes been more redundant.
09:14LAUGHTER
09:15The other plan of the policy is about migration more generally
09:18and, with that, you might have to wait 20 or even 30 years
09:22to be given indefinite leave to remain.
09:24So, it is an incredibly tough policy.
09:28Listen, I've got a dog in this fight.
09:30I don't want to be deported.
09:31I'm sorry to say, like, I think that this plan is, like, is insane.
09:35And I also...
09:36All we ever talk about in this country is immigration.
09:37It's all we ever talk about.
09:39And meanwhile, we've got people paying too much money in the bills,
09:41the climate crisis.
09:42I think we'd have to reframe everything through the prism of immigration.
09:45So, you're like, OK, three of the big five energy companies
09:47are owned by foreign owners, so that's asylum heaters.
09:50That's what we're going to call them now.
09:52And instead of the climate crisis, we're going to call it climate
09:54immigration and say, hot foreign weather is coming over here,
09:58ruining our country, some of it's Sharia weather.
10:01Like, that's the only way we're going to get anything done in this country.
10:05Is that the right answer?
10:06LAUGHTER
10:08I think you've kind of nudged us towards these policies
10:12are clearly an attempt to head off reform.
10:15GB News presenter Martin Daubeny presented some research
10:18based on the defendants in sex offences at nine Crown Courts
10:22over a six-week period, counting the non-British-sounding surnames.
10:27And bear in mind, this is a show normally presented by Nigel Farage.
10:31LAUGHTER
10:34When I first met him, I said, how do you pronounce your second name?
10:37And he said, what do you put your car in?
10:40And I said, well, I put my car in a garage.
10:42So I think he's Nigel Farage.
10:44LAUGHTER
10:45Well, it could be Nigel multi-storey car park.
10:48LAUGHTER
10:55Staying with GB News, would you like to see, from earlier this week,
10:58the Conservative leadership hopeful Robert Jennerick's appearance,
11:01backed by some of his most loyal supporters?
11:04Yes.
11:05Well, look, the High Street is in a real mess at the moment.
11:08What we've said as Preservatives is that we want to get rid of
11:11business rates for businesses with rateable values of £100,000 or less.
11:16LAUGHTER
11:18I mean, the producers at GB News must be...
11:24I mean, they're not supporters of him, are they?
11:26They're trying to...
11:27You know, they wouldn't have allowed that to happen if they...
11:29What reason did the Treasury give for Rachel Reeves' rather remarkable
11:33U-turn on raising the basic rate of income tax this week?
11:37They had more money than they thought they had?
11:38Kind of, yeah.
11:39Mm.
11:40The Chancellor had received an OBR forecast for increased tax receipts,
11:43which suggests her black hole is not quite as big as she thought it was,
11:46maybe just £20 billion, not £30 billion.
11:49Yeah, she marched all her backbenchers up the hill,
11:51you know, the grand old Duke of York...
11:53Yeah, don't mention the Duke of York.
11:55LAUGHTER
11:56The royals will never let that one on!
11:58APPLAUSE
12:03Yeah, this is the news that half of Labour voters want Keir Starmer
12:07gone before the next election.
12:09Some Labour insiders fear that if the government continues to tear
12:12itself apart, reform will come to power and deliver an extreme
12:16right-wing immigration policy.
12:18Well, I think that ship has sailed, docked and all the passengers
12:21stripped of their jewellery.
12:22Hang on.
12:23Didn't Gary Lineker get sacked for that kind of thing?
12:25LAUGHTER
12:26It's also been reported that Angela Rayner came very close to
12:29appearing on this year's I'm a Celebrity.
12:31Apparently she was very tempted by the idea she could claim the camp
12:34as her primary residence.
12:35LAUGHTER
12:37Colin Nish, here's yours.
12:40Yeah.
12:41Donald T. Rump.
12:43This is the Panorama special that was anything but,
12:46leading to the Director-General...
12:48There he is, Director-General of BBC having to resign
12:50because of a clumsy edit.
12:52The thing is, though, they have to prove that Panorama was seen in
12:55America, which it wasn't.
12:56They have to prove that it affected his reputation.
12:58He won the election, so it didn't.
13:00He did say some pretty inflammatory things that day.
13:04Yeah, of course.
13:05Just not in the...
13:06Order.
13:07Order that the BBC put it.
13:08There was a mistake in the edit and, you know, they shouldn't have
13:10done it.
13:11A really bad mistake.
13:12It was a terrible mistake and I was amazed anyone at the BBC did it.
13:15I'm amazed.
13:16No-one I've ever worked with would have done that.
13:18It's absolutely basic level one screw-up.
13:21And they should have apologised immediately, which they didn't.
13:23But they have apologised now and the only cause for them is to say,
13:27you have no reputation to defend.
13:29But then nobody complained at the time?
13:31No.
13:32Well, maybe nobody in any country watched it.
13:34Yeah.
13:35The truth is, it's whether he was inciting people before the riot
13:39or was he using the words, fight, fight, while people were fighting.
13:43Mm.
13:44Strikes me as a thin defence.
13:45But don't trust me, my expertise in libel actions is well-known.
13:51He's got a season ticket.
13:52You've got a season ticket.
13:54I'm amazed I haven't been called in to give advice, but...
13:58You've got one of those coffee cards.
13:59You get your next libel action for free, don't you, Ian?
14:01He said, I don't accept your apology.
14:06I want between £1 and £5 billion.
14:08Well, give him two.
14:11Two pounds.
14:15The problem with him is that people say he's got no case to answer,
14:18he has no reputation to defend.
14:20These would normally be defences, even in America,
14:22where traditionally it's harder to win a libel action.
14:24But this is Trump.
14:26So if he loses in a Florida court, he will appeal and then it'll go up
14:29and it'll go up to the Supreme Court,
14:31which he has packed with people who agree with him.
14:33So it's perfectly possible for him to lose the case,
14:36to have no case at any point, and win.
14:39And if that doesn't work, he's taking it right to the top, Judge Judy.
14:44He doesn't want the case to happen here,
14:46because damages in British courts rarely exceed £100,000,
14:49which could be why...
14:50They do sometimes.
15:04Who has been accused of masterminding a coup at the BBC?
15:08You?
15:10No.
15:11Somebody on the BBC Board of Governors?
15:12Mm-hm.
15:13Robbie Gibb?
15:14Yes.
15:15Not a Bee-Gee, everybody surprised.
15:18He was appointed by Boris Johnson as a non-exec on the BBC Board
15:22of Governors.
15:23And The Observer claims Gibb has a long-running concern
15:25about rooting out left-leaning bias at the BBC,
15:28allegedly telling colleagues 18 months ago,
15:30if I don't get my way, I'll blow the place up.
15:34Which he has.
15:35And, of course, Boris Johnson has been very, very upset
15:38about the sort of behaviour around senior executives at the BBC.
15:44When Boris Johnson was Prime Minister,
15:45my dad described him as being Indian standard in his corruption.
15:52The highest compliment you can give somebody.
15:56Listen, Tim Davey, he was obviously the DJ at the BBC,
15:59and there was a report in The Sun that he had cancelled a show
16:02that I used to host called The Mass Report on BBC Two
16:05as part of a kind of war on wokeness.
16:07And I will say, I was not happy to read that in The Sun,
16:10but the headline was Nish Mash Bosh.
16:16Even I don't think he should have been sacked,
16:18and I don't like him!
16:21So, Trump spent time this week with someone
16:23he feels more comfortable around.
16:25Who was that?
16:26Mm-hm.
16:27MBS.
16:28Mohammed bin Salman.
16:29Shall we see how they handled being faced
16:31with the thorny issue of murder journalist Jamal Khashoggi?
16:34Your Royal Highness, the U.S. intelligence concluded
16:37that you orchestrated the brutal murder of a journalist.
16:409-11 families are furious that you are here in the Oval Office.
16:43Who are you with?
16:44Who are you with?
16:45Why should Americans trust you?
16:46Who are you with?
16:47And the same to you, Mr. President.
16:48Who are you with?
16:49I'm with ABC News, sir.
16:50You're with who?
16:51ABC News, sir.
16:52Fake News. ABC Fake News.
16:53One of the worst...
16:54One of the worst in the business.
16:55But I'll answer your question.
16:56You're mentioning somebody that was extremely controversial.
16:59A lot of people didn't like that gentleman that you're talking about.
17:02Whether you like him or didn't like him, things happen.
17:05But he knew nothing about it.
17:07And we can leave it at that.
17:08You don't have to embarrass our guests by asking a question like that.
17:11This is a man suing another organisation for a failure of journalism.
17:16And did you notice how MBS was sort of studying his hands?
17:19Like, you know, sort of in a sort of Macbeth-type style?
17:22At a later point in the interview,
17:25Mohammed bin Salman actually says,
17:27all right, I'll answer this question.
17:29Even he is embarrassed at Trump's attempt to whitewash him.
17:34Like, he got chopped up with a bone saw and put in a bin.
17:36Yeah.
17:37I don't think you can...
17:38I don't think that's covered by the phrase things happen.
17:41Things took a turn for the weird.
17:44Let's have a look at Trump's obsession with bin Salman.
17:47Oh, yeah.
17:48Trump doesn't give a fist pump.
17:50I grab that hand.
17:51I don't give a hell where that hand's been.
17:53I grab that hand.
17:54LAUGHTER
18:03It's the second time I felt sorry for Mohammed bin Salman,
18:05and the other was when I found out Jimmy Card
18:07did the Saudi Arabian Comedy Festival, of course.
18:09LAUGHTER
18:11Trump spent time this week with someone he feels
18:13more, I've just done that.
18:16LAUGHTER
18:17You can't do a replay, Gabby.
18:19This isn't match of the day.
18:20LAUGHTER
18:22How did Trump further demonstrate his disrespect
18:26for journalists on Air Force One this week?
18:28Yeah, he called a female journalist piggy.
18:30Quiet piggy.
18:31Quiet piggy, yes.
18:32Shall we have a look?
18:33Yeah, go ahead.
18:34Quiet piggy.
18:35Quiet piggy.
18:36What went through his head at that point?
18:37Do you know the journalist?
18:38She's a Bloomberg journalist, Catherine Lucey.
18:39She's the one that he called piggy.
18:40There she is.
18:41I can't see the piggy.
18:42Ah, there he is.
18:43LAUGHTER
18:44What surprise turn did Trump take this week?
18:45They're releasing the Epstein files.
18:46After months of saying, no, no, it's all a hoax,
18:47don't release them, don't release them.
18:48He then realised there was a huge backlash within the Republican Party,
19:04they were going to vote for it, so he said, oh, yeah, vote for it,
19:07after they all said they were going to.
19:08It's completely split.
19:09That was what we were saying.
19:10Yeah, and they said, despite the fact that there's not going to be
19:13right now, because of the picture, not going to be right now.
19:16said they were going to? It's completely split MAGA, hasn't it? For the first time, there's a sort of chasm in MAGA, which is, you know, potentially has long-lasting worries for Trump.
19:26So there's two separate groups of lunatics? Yeah. There's Ma and Gar. And there's the older ones who are Gar-Gar.
19:39Well, the Democrats have already released over 20,000 pages of new documents related to Epstein.
19:45What particularly caught people's eye this week? It wasn't the Clinton thing. It was that.
19:51We're going to talk about that. Well, there is a theory going around on the internet that there is a bit in the Epstein files where there is a reference to Donald Trump performing oral sex on a person referred to as Bubba.
20:05Now, Bubba is a quite common nickname for Bill Clinton. And all I will say on this issue is, if there's one thing we know Bill Clinton likes,
20:15it's a joke.
20:16Surely this was a joke. I mean, because this was from Epstein's brother to Epstein. It was a joke between brothers.
20:27Yeah. The email from Epstein's brother suggests that Jeffrey should find out if Putin has the photos of Trump blowing Bubba.
20:36West Ham fans are forever blowing Bubba.
20:43Is that a football reference? West Ham, yeah. West Ham. West Ham.
20:51Is that what they sing? I'm forever blowing Bubbles, which was Michael Jackson's chimpanzee.
20:55Yeah, I'm not so sorry.
20:56Can I just say, Bill Clinton...
21:00Someone once dared me to get a box of peppermints signed by him. So I went up to him and he was surrounded by men and he kind of hauled me in because I was the only woman there, and signed the peppermints.
21:08Why peppermints? Well, I don't know. Suck it and see?
21:12I don't know.
21:14LAUGHTER
21:17I wasn't expecting that.
21:21Was it the mince with the hole in the middle?
21:24This is the dispute between Trump and the BBC,
21:27with Trump still demanding up to $5 billion in damages.
21:30Since the row over the Trump edit,
21:32Rachel Reeves has now complained to the BBC
21:34that on numerous occasions they have broadcast her speeches
21:37unedited and in full.
21:40The BBC has promised never to broadcast
21:43the edition of Panorama on any platform ever again
21:46and the master tape has been placed
21:48in what is now known as the Top of the Pops cupboard.
21:51LAUGHTER
21:52Jeffrey Epstein's emails seem to implicate Trump,
21:55with one saying, of course he knew about the girls.
21:58In fairness to Trump, a lot of what Epstein wrote wasn't true,
22:01like his suicide note.
22:02LAUGHTER
22:04So...
22:06At the end of that round, it's two points to Ian and Cathy
22:09and two points to Paul and Nish.
22:12APPLAUSE
22:15And so to round two.
22:16The jigsaw of views.
22:18Fingers on buzzers, teams.
22:24BUZZER
22:25It's about TikTok.
22:26Yes.
22:27I knew you'd be the TikTok man.
22:28Yeah.
22:29Two things I know about.
22:30Sport TikTok.
22:31LAUGHTER
22:32Someone did something about football on some device.
22:38It's Sky, isn't it?
22:39They produced an outlet for women to be interested in athletics
22:42and sport.
22:43Either it was a product of men or it was AI, because it was so bad.
22:47This is the news that Sky Sports have scrapped their female-focused
22:50TikTok channel after just three days.
22:52Wow.
22:53Yeah.
22:54It was called Halo.
22:55And what was wrong with the TikTok channel?
22:57Well, it was pink and it was sort of like, it was very sort of,
23:00you know, it was quite insulting and patronising.
23:02Yeah, wearing pink.
23:03Yeah, I know you do my suit!
23:05LAUGHTER
23:07It was intended to be the little sis of Sky Sports.
23:10Right.
23:11But immediately faced criticism from users for being unbelievably sexist.
23:15One video about Manchester City's men's striker Erling Haaland
23:18scoring a goal had this caption.
23:20See, that's got to be artificial intelligence, because it makes no
23:23fucking sense at all.
23:24LAUGHTER
23:33In other sports news, what have the Scotland men's football team
23:37done this week?
23:38They qualified for the World Cup.
23:39The first time in 28 years.
23:40Yeah.
23:41Yeah.
23:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
23:45What about that last goal, eh, Ian?
23:47Yeah, eh?
23:48Eh?
23:49Describe the intricate passing move that led to the last goal.
23:53What was the last goal?
23:54There was a matcha and a hot girl.
23:56LAUGHTER
23:57APPLAUSE
24:03I desperately want this to be a job swap for this week.
24:06And for you to host this and for you to host Match of the Day.
24:08Because at one point over the course of that conversation,
24:11you just said, someone did something about football.
24:14LAUGHTER
24:15I think that would be incredible energy to bring to the Saturday Night
24:19Highlights package.
24:20LAUGHTER
24:22We've got another match, Ian.
24:23Another one!
24:24Another one!
24:25Another one!
24:26LAUGHTER
24:27You can't go yet.
24:28There are eight more.
24:30LAUGHTER
24:31Our Royal Engineers playing.
24:33LAUGHTER
24:34Well, BBC Scotland commentator Alistair LeMond got very excited.
24:38Let's have a listen.
24:39Surely now Scotland will hold on to possession.
24:42It's McLean.
24:43He's looking to go for a goal.
24:45From the halfway line, it's Chip Smith!
24:48Oh!
24:49Oh!
24:52Glorious!
24:53Glorious!
24:54So, basically, what happened was, in the last minute, one Scottish player
24:57got the ball in his own half, looked up, saw the goalkeeper was way out
25:00and from the halfway line kicked it right over the goalkeeper's head
25:02into the goal.
25:03But the Scottish commentators on the TV coverage, all sort of thoughts
25:07of sort of neutrality went out the window.
25:10Because as he got the ball, one of them was going,
25:11Shoot!
25:12Shoot!
25:13Shoot!
25:14Shoot!
25:15Anybody here remember what happened at the last Rugby World Cup
25:18in France a few years ago?
25:20Let's have a little look.
25:21What do you want to say to World Rugby?
25:23I want to say to World Rugby.
25:24I've been on the lash for five weeks, like, you know?
25:27I have to say, I scared it to be a wee golf tournament
25:29doing the Villa Moura.
25:30And that was, that was magic, right?
25:32And then I jumped over to Marseille.
25:34And I couldn't believe it when I got there,
25:36because they were falling in the spill of the old belly,
25:38you know what I mean?
25:39They just went on the lash for four weeks,
25:42went up through the Chablis, doing the wine cellars,
25:44a brilliant time, a brilliant time!
25:47So what you're saying is, you're not too bothered, like,
25:49it's got them bags of...
25:50I'm getting pitch!
25:52I'm getting pitch!
25:53I'm getting polluted!
25:54I'm getting polluted!
25:55I'm getting polluted!
25:56Yeah!
26:01This is the disastrous Sky Sports TikTok channel for women
26:04called Halo.
26:05Or more accurately, goodbye.
26:07The man behind the channel has issued a sincere apology
26:10to all female sports fans, telling them,
26:12don't worry your pretty little heads about it.
26:15You can understand the thinking behind the channel,
26:17as there's a huge gulf between men's and women's sports,
26:20not least in football, where we're still way off the England
26:23men's team winning two consecutive Euro finals.
26:26OK, fine.
26:28Yes, thank you.
26:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
26:31Fingers on buzzers, teams!
26:39Covid inquiry, reporting on Thursday.
26:42Who would have thought the man who can't control his own hair
26:46ran a chaotic government during a time of national emergency?
26:51He missed all those Cobra meetings because he said he was
26:53finishing his Shakespeare book and you think,
26:54that'd better be one really good book!
26:58They were also pretty savage about Dominic Cummings as well.
27:00They said he had a destabilising influence,
27:02he was spread poison throughout Number 10.
27:05I'm glad we had an inquiry because I just wouldn't have known.
27:08LAUGHTER
27:10I mean, Dominic Cummings!
27:12I thought he was just a guy who had an unfortunate eyesight problem.
27:17LAUGHTER
27:18There were a few destabilising influences in Number 10, though.
27:21Looks like some of those people are really drunk.
27:23LAUGHTER
27:26Inquiry chair Baroness Hallett said the UK's response was,
27:30too little, too late, and she said that had the government
27:33introduced measures earlier than mid-March,
27:35the mandatory lockdown might not have been necessary at all.
27:38But the Permanent Secretary of the Health Department at the time,
27:40Chris Wormel, who is now Cabinet Secretary,
27:42has also been heavily criticised.
27:44Are you saying the same person who was there when it was chaotic
27:47and hopeless is there now, in this current period of stability?
27:52LAUGHTER
27:54This inquiry's fantastic!
27:56LAUGHTER
27:58Well, it's not the worst thing said about a member of Boris' government.
28:01What criticism did Matt Hancock once get on Radio 2?
28:04Is this from his wife?
28:06LAUGHTER
28:09It's a clip which has resurfaced this week from 2022,
28:13when a caller dedicated a song to Hancock on Radio 2.
28:17Let's have a listen.
28:18What track are we playing and why, please?
28:21We're playing Don't Stop Me Now by Queen.
28:24Mm-hm.
28:25Because Matt Hancock's a c***.
28:26OK, so we've got to put them off there.
28:28This is live radio, this kind of thing happens.
28:30I can only apologise...
28:31APPLAUSE
28:33Wow!
28:38And you're saying that was his wife?
28:40LAUGHTER
28:42On the subject of something people couldn't do during Covid,
28:45what did scientists discover this week?
28:48Kissing!
28:49True.
28:50Yeah.
28:51This is true.
28:52What did they actually...?
28:53It goes back a long way to at least 1948.
28:55LAUGHTER
28:56There is no sort of biological or evolutionary reason for kissing
28:59that they can work out, but it's been going on animals' kiss,
29:01human beings' kiss, as we know, and it goes back to the very beginnings
29:04of civilisation.
29:05Animals' kiss?
29:06Animals' kiss?
29:07Monkeys.
29:08OK.
29:09But not fish or, you know...?
29:10Monkeys don't kiss fish, no.
29:12LAUGHTER
29:13I just want to put more evidence about animals.
29:16I mean, they'll look...
29:17They'll look and they'll think about it, but in the end,
29:20it's probably not worth it, you know?
29:22They're in water, they're slippery.
29:24You've got any other animals kissing stories?
29:26There's this parrot walks into a brothel.
29:28LAUGHTER
29:33You're on the right story.
29:34What, the parrot walks into a brothel?
29:36LAUGHTER
29:37New research suggests that Neanderthals kissed each other.
29:40Of course they did.
29:41How do you think Noel and Liam made up?
29:43LAUGHTER
29:44Neanderthals are now thought to have regularly kissed,
29:47but only after they've been on a date.
29:49Maybe they went clubbing.
29:50LAUGHTER
29:56Time now for the missing words round, and we're going to start with...
29:59If you want what, it'll take 103 years.
30:02Tax cuts.
30:03LAUGHTER
30:04Is it a dental appointment?
30:06LAUGHTER
30:07If you want your pothole filled in Oxfordshire...
30:10Oh, yes.
30:11..it'll take 103 years.
30:13According to The Sun, resident Diane Hart, 76, said...
30:20No offence, Diane, but I'm not sure that's anything you need
30:22to worry about.
30:23LAUGHTER
30:24Next.
30:25Car maker claims its new what could be the future of motoring.
30:29Is it bicycle?
30:31LAUGHTER
30:32It's got to be driveless car.
30:33Driving robot.
30:34Robot driver.
30:35Car maker claims its new square steering wheel could be the future of motoring.
30:40This is Peugeot's futuristic new square steering wheel.
30:44Here it is.
30:45And if you don't like it as a steering wheel, you could do Yorkshire's in that.
30:48LAUGHTER
30:49Next up.
30:50A woman who threw message in a bottle into sea to find romantic connection,
30:55what?
30:56Mammy's Whelk.
30:57LAUGHTER
30:58A woman who threw message in a bottle into sea to find romantic connection
31:09gets reply saying, please stop throwing rubbish into sea.
31:12LAUGHTER
31:13And here is Lorraine Forbes with her bottle.
31:18Well, Lorraine has sent many messages looking for love in plastic bottles,
31:21one of which literally took its recipient's breath away when it got wedged
31:25in a dolphin's blowhole.
31:27LAUGHTER
31:28Finally, what only had one what?
31:31Hitler.
31:32LAUGHTER
31:33It's true.
31:34Yeah.
31:35And Himmler had something similar, as the song used to go.
31:37Hitler only had one ball, say scientists.
31:38It's true, the song was true.
31:39Absolutely bang on.
31:40Yeah.
31:41Bang on.
31:42Yeah.
31:43It's true.
31:44It's true.
31:45It's true.
31:46It's true.
31:47It's true.
31:48What?
31:49Yep.
31:50They studied his DNA, didn't they?
31:51Yep.
31:52Wait, is the other in the Albert Hall?
31:54LAUGHTER
31:55Many world leaders have had their genitalia subject to public scrutiny.
31:57Hitler is said to have suffered from an undescended testicle,
32:00whereas Donald Trump has two fully descended testicles,
32:02Eric and Donald Junior.
32:03LAUGHTER
32:05So, the final scores are Ian and Cathy,
32:08Hannity,
32:09and he has two fully descended testicles.
32:11He has two fully descended testicles,
32:12Eric and Donald Junior.
32:13LAUGHTER
32:14So, the final scores are Ian and Cathy,
32:17have three points.
32:19Paul and Nish have six points!
32:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
32:22That's a thorough job.
32:24Now, before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
32:28It's her own fault, I told Deidre to wear her thermals.
32:31LAUGHTER
32:32He's giving me the cold shoulder.
32:37I don't know what he's smiling about, his carrot fell off ten minutes ago.
32:41LAUGHTER
32:43On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Cathy Newman,
32:48Paul Merton and Nish Kumar, and I leave you with the news that,
32:52on a visit to his GP, one man digests the news that you can't get charisma
32:56on the NHS.
32:58LAUGHTER
33:00At a high-powered electrical substation in London, one woman approaches an engineer
33:05to ask if there are any free sockets to put her fingers in.
33:09LAUGHTER
33:11And in Soho, Gordon Ramsay denies mistreating his cat
33:15after it devours a £3,000 truffle.
33:18LAUGHTER
33:21It's the news we've all been waiting for.
33:36Line of Duty will be back, revisit all the AC-12 antics on iPlayer.
33:42As a much-loved comedy returns next on BBC One.
33:45A new baby in tow, Amy-Lou Wood, has even more daddy issues.
33:48APPLAUSE
33:52MUSIC
33:53MUSIC
33:57MUSIC
33:58MUSIC
33:59MUSIC
34:00MUSIC
34:01MUSIC
34:02MUSIC
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