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Have I Got News for You S70 E01

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Fun
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00:00Oh my god, I'm not at all symmetrical.
00:03Do you know, Victoria, it's funny you should say that,
00:06but I discovered today that my head's not on properly.
00:12So have sympathy with me.
00:30APPLAUSE
00:52Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:55I'm Victoria Corrin-Mitchell in the news this week.
00:57After a bruising summer, a reinvigorated Keir Starmer
01:00emerges from number 10, determined to project a new air of stability.
01:09In Pyongyang, Kim Jong-un finds a way round his dietician's
01:12strict orders that no more alcohol should pass his lips.
01:15LAUGHTER
01:18And on a visit to a hospital in Harrow, a member of staff asks Rachel Reeves,
01:33where's that tosser Wes streeting?
01:41On Ian's team tonight is an actress who in 2016 appeared in an episode
01:45of Casualty and will be appearing again this year when her
01:48follow-up appointment finally comes through.
01:50LAUGHTER
01:51Please welcome Dame Sheila Hancock.
01:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:59On Paul's team tonight is a comedian and actor whose twins were born
02:02during the London 2012 Olympics.
02:04Now, that's what I call an opening ceremony.
02:06Please welcome Myles Jupp.
02:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:10We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:16Paul and Myles, here's yours.
02:20Keir Starmer, hopefully that's his wife, otherwise it's a bit brazen,
02:22isn't it?
02:23Oh.
02:24Oh, hello, that's his wife.
02:25Oh, yes.
02:26That's Andy Burnham.
02:27Well, he won't, he won't.
02:28Yep, yep.
02:29So, that's the Labour Party conference.
02:30Next question.
02:33What were they up to?
02:34What was the spirit of the conference?
02:35What would you say was the spirit of the conference, Myles?
02:37Oh, one of celebration.
02:39Yeah.
02:40Erm...
02:41One of certainty.
02:42Yeah.
02:43Really just about supporting the British flag industry.
02:46Yeah.
02:47Wherever it's manufactured.
02:50I think they wanted to give it a sort of
02:53last night of the Labour Party feel.
02:55LAUGHTER
02:56Oh, dear.
02:58You are horrible.
03:00LAUGHTER
03:01You're right.
03:02I thought it was quite good.
03:04I thought the conference was quite good.
03:06What were your favourite bits?
03:07Well, his speech.
03:08Yeah.
03:09I thought he did well.
03:10He's not an orator, bless his heart.
03:12Must be a real problem for him.
03:14But he did well, didn't he?
03:16My praise, indeed.
03:18Not everyone was on board with this patriotic flag waving.
03:21One person on social media said of Starmer,
03:23Oswald Muesli strikes again.
03:25LAUGHTER
03:26Oh, my God!
03:27Starmer's enjoying himself, though.
03:29I mean, look, here he is on the TikToks.
03:31Another busy day at conference.
03:33Lots of energy.
03:34Lots of vibe.
03:35LAUGHTER
03:36Oh, bless.
03:37Dear Adrian.
03:38He's hopeless.
03:39He's got to get it together.
03:40LAUGHTER
03:41You know how you said you thought it was really good?
03:42No, I just want it to be good.
03:43I'm desperate for it to be good.
03:44I did hear a number of people saying that his speech wasn't bad.
03:45Well, that's all right.
03:46LAUGHTER
03:47LAUGHTER
03:48I mean, one of the stories of the conference was Andy Burnham saying,
03:52I mean, everyone's asking me to stand against Keir Starmer.
03:54I mean, you know, I'm sure I wouldn't have dreamed of it, but they're all asking.
03:57LAUGHTER
03:58a number of people saying that his speech wasn't bad.
04:01Well, that's all right.
04:05I mean, one of the stories of the conference was Andy Burnham saying,
04:09I mean, everyone's asking me to stand against Keir Starmer.
04:12I mean, you know, I'm... I wouldn't dream of it,
04:14but they're all asking.
04:17And then everyone throws their hands up and then he says,
04:20Leader! Oh, no, I don't...
04:23So you've got a whole week of that.
04:25In the end of it, everyone says,
04:27John, why do people say Labour are in a bit of a mess?
04:29He seems to have backed off completely now.
04:31Do you think that's because he thought he wouldn't win?
04:34Probably. Probably as well.
04:36I'm so much nastier than you.
04:38You are.
04:39Oh, no, that's not fair Ian, you're nastier than most people.
04:44One unnamed Labour MP told The Telegraph,
04:47it's only Keir Starmer's force of personality
04:50that's keeping this government together.
04:52LAUGHTER
04:53What was the slogan, the Labour Party's slogan for the conference?
04:57Help.
04:58LAUGHTER
04:59Was it that Britain is at a fork in the road?
05:01Yeah.
05:02Snappier than that.
05:03Fork.
05:04LAUGHTER
05:05We're all forked.
05:06We're all forked.
05:07We haven't got a forking idea.
05:09LAUGHTER
05:10Renew Britain.
05:11That's it.
05:12Yeah, yeah.
05:13It wasn't their first choice but Reform UK was already taken.
05:16LAUGHTER
05:18What was missing from his conference speech?
05:21A trapeze axe.
05:22LAUGHTER
05:23That was the Lib Dem conference.
05:24Oh, yeah.
05:25LAUGHTER
05:26There wasn't a great deal of policy.
05:28There was a line of policy but he was advised to take it out,
05:32which was something on the economy that promised
05:35growth you can feel in your pocket.
05:37LAUGHTER
05:39You've made that up.
05:44Yeah.
05:45No, no, no, no.
05:46Really?
05:47One of his aides said,
05:48Oh, can you stop saying growth you can feel in your pocket?
05:50Oh, no.
05:51I promise you that's real.
05:52LAUGHTER
05:53He'd take your mind off the economy though, wouldn't he?
05:56LAUGHTER
05:58He had something on virtual hospitals.
06:00What do you think that meant?
06:01Is that a good idea of virtual hospitals?
06:02I'd be terrified by the idea of a virtual...
06:04I think, anyway, I had brain surgery four years ago.
06:07Did they find anything?
06:08LAUGHTER
06:10They had their best people on it.
06:11No.
06:12No, nothing.
06:13The idea, I would, yeah, virtual hospital,
06:14I would have had to do the thing myself at home.
06:16LAUGHTER
06:17You know, you'll need the following tools
06:20assembled in front of you before you start.
06:22Well, he did mention one idea,
06:24which was the digital ID cards.
06:26Yes.
06:27That's come back.
06:28Before he announced the plan,
06:30digital IDs enjoyed 35% support amongst voters.
06:34Mm-hm.
06:35And what happened after he announced...?
06:36It dropped down to 17%.
06:38Minus 14%.
06:40LAUGHTER
06:41Why does everybody get their knickers in a twist
06:43about identity cards?
06:45I mean, during the war,
06:47I can give you my identity number now.
06:49It's CJFQ 29 stroke 4.
06:51We all had to learn it.
06:53But there was a war on, wasn't there?
06:54I know, I know.
06:55But there's a war on now, mate.
06:57LAUGHTER
06:58APPLAUSE
06:59I'm sorry, I'm not being very funny,
07:00but it's difficult to be funny, isn't it?
07:01LAUGHTER
07:02Don't look at me.
07:03I'm doing my best.
07:04LAUGHTER
07:05Who's set to benefit from the introduction of ID cards?
07:07ID card manufacturers?
07:08Yes.
07:09Yes.
07:10And one particular one?
07:11Do you know who that is?
07:12Oh, is it the Tesco club card people?
07:13Yes.
07:14They actually make a real difference.
07:15You get astonishing discounts.
07:16LAUGHTER
07:17I was thinking of the company Multiverse,
07:18who's been chosen to run the digital ID cards scheme.
07:22And, oh, who's company is that?
07:24Is that the man who's got links to the lobe party?
07:26It's Ewan Blair.
07:28It's a happy coincidence.
07:29Who's got a nice thing to benefit from the introduction of ID cards?
07:34Oh, how do you what do you get to?
07:36Who's got a nice thing to benefit from the introduction of ID cards?
07:38Oh, it doesn't.
07:39I know, who's got a nice thing to benefit from the introduction of ID Cards.
07:42Yes?
07:43to the Labour Party. It's Ewan Blair.
07:46The happy coincidence, is it? It is.
07:49For balance, we think of any Tories where...
07:54It was in the news this week that business went in their direction
07:57by happy coincidence.
07:59Michelle Moan, Baroness, Dame, what's her...? Lady Moan, yes.
08:02Lady Moan. Lady Moan.
08:05I've seen that film, have you seen it?
08:08Now, well, actually, this is quite a sweet story because she...
08:14In what way is it sweet?
08:16It's about people... It's about mobility, really,
08:19because she went just from being in the House of Lords
08:23to being able to secure a £122 million PPE contract,
08:27which is incredible, really. It's an incredible journey for anyone to go on.
08:30And the other thing about it is they had no experience whatsoever
08:34of manufacturing or selling PPE.
08:37So, in a way, it's an underdog story.
08:40LAUGHTER
08:41It's like Steeple-Sindaby Wonder Woman winning the FA Cup.
08:44It really is. It's...
08:46It's sort of Billy Elliot of our time.
08:49And, again, you know, the villains here are the press
08:52who revealed that she'd asked Michael Gove,
08:55who was then in the Cabinet, whether she could join the VIP Fastlane
08:59and recommend this company, PPE Med Pro, to get the contract,
09:04and then was asked by horrid journalists saying, you know,
09:08is this company run by your husband?
09:10And, no, she absolutely, you know, denied it.
09:13And then it turned out to be a lie and all the profits had been put offshore
09:17from a Tory Baroness, which she then lied about.
09:20And now she's absolutely furious at being caught.
09:23LAUGHTER
09:24So, if they're not going to vote Conservative
09:26and the Labour Party's falling apart, what's the danger?
09:29I think that the other left-wing parties, I like both of them,
09:32the Lib Dems and certainly the Greens.
09:34I love this new guy that's gone into the Greens.
09:37Despite all the stories about tits and things that they've had...
09:40LAUGHTER
09:41Again...
09:44What newspapers are you reading?
09:46LAUGHTER
09:47They dug up a thing that he was a hypnotherapist
09:50and he made women think that their breasts would grow quicker
09:53under a trance or something.
09:55I mean, it's rubbish.
09:56He did, no doubt, Sheila.
09:57He did tell the son that he could use hypnosis
10:00to make women's breasts bigger.
10:01I think he called it growth.
10:03LAUGHTER
10:05And not just in his pocket.
10:06LAUGHTER
10:08To be fair to the guy, when I met him, I was a 32B.
10:11So...
10:12LAUGHTER
10:13Never assumed.
10:15APPLAUSE
10:16But...
10:18Surely Keir Starmer seems to think the danger is reform, though.
10:22All of the party conferences were obsessed by reform.
10:25I mean, someone did a count of how many times reform was mentioned
10:28and the Conservative Party wasn't mentioned at all...
10:32No.
10:33..in most of the conferences, including the upcoming Tory party conference.
10:37LAUGHTER
10:38Do people talk about them too much?
10:39I mean, shall we have a look at Ed Davies' conference speech?
10:42Yes.
10:43Oh, bless him.
10:44Let's see.
10:45Nigel Farage.
10:46Nigel Farage.
10:47Farage has changed.
10:48Farage is Britain.
10:50Farage is...
10:51Farage is Britain.
10:53Nigel Farage.
10:55Farage.
10:56Farage.
10:57Farage.
10:58Farage.
10:59Farage.
11:00Farage is Britain.
11:01Farage is Britain.
11:02Not Farage is Britain.
11:03Not Farage is Britain.
11:04Not Farage is Britain.
11:05Farage is Britain.
11:06Thank you!
11:07APPLAUSE
11:08Was that the speech or has it been edited?
11:11LAUGHTER
11:12It's almost...
11:13It's all one sentence.
11:14Yeah.
11:15Do you think...
11:16Ian, I mean, presumably over the course of this series people will say,
11:20probably they're already saying the show is now mentioning Nigel Farage.
11:24Yep.
11:25And the press is...
11:26Yeah.
11:27And that is the dilemma.
11:28Do you address what he's saying?
11:29Because it seems to be either wrong or in need of correction or dangerous or
11:33incitement or hypocritical or whatever.
11:35I mean, people mispronouncing his name.
11:37It's far right.
11:38LAUGHTER
11:39It's a minor thing that...
11:42APPLAUSE
11:46I like stories about Farage.
11:48I like the story where someone said,
11:50have you set up a company to put all your earnings in?
11:53And he said, yes, I have.
11:55Companies actually employ people.
11:57They create employment.
11:58Do you think that's bad?
11:59Anyway, we went and had a look at his company.
12:01You know how many people it employs?
12:03One.
12:05Mr N Farage.
12:08It's like when he bought a house.
12:09Farage made a huge fuss about Angela Rayner
12:12and the details of her property deal
12:14and then it turns out that his own property deal
12:17was controversial and questionable.
12:19Anyway, I just mention a few things.
12:21LAUGHTER
12:26Did you see any of the reform conference?
12:29I did.
12:30Oh, did you? Yeah, what happened?
12:31Did you go?
12:32Yeah.
12:33LAUGHTER
12:34Yeah, he was a mystery object.
12:36LAUGHTER
12:37Would you like to see a highlight of that conference?
12:40Is it the singing?
12:41Yes.
12:42Oh, good. Yeah, let's have that.
12:43I'm an insomniac
12:45I'm an insomniac
12:47I'm an insomniac
12:49Staring at the ceiling
12:52Where you're about to return
12:54Yes, I'm an insomniac
12:57I'm an insomniac
12:59I'm an insomniac
13:00I'm an insomniac
13:01And all I have to fear
13:02Is the sound of that
13:04Lord
13:05The sound of that
13:07Lord
13:08I'm an insomniac
13:09What the hell is this?
13:12LAUGHTER
13:13That's Andrea Jenkins
13:16Former Tory MP
13:17Apparently she did an interview just recently saying
13:19She did it on the spur of the moment
13:21Nobody knew
13:22Nobody knew
13:23She was going to do
13:24Can you imagine?
13:25Farage is going
13:26Oh, my God
13:28When she was a Tory
13:29She was sitting where you were on this programme
13:31Oh, no, really?
13:32I was on that thing
13:33You said, I don't think we'll see her again
13:34Mm
13:35Now look what you've done, Ian
13:38Now she's on Britain Hasn't Got Talent
13:40Look
13:41And it's her song
13:43It is
13:44She's written it
13:45She wrote it
13:46In the middle of the night, presumably
13:48Yeah
13:49APPLAUSE
13:51What other starry name was at the conference?
13:56It should come back to me
13:58Everyone's favourite former daytime host Jeremy Kyle was there
14:03Doing stuff for the reform
14:05You've grown now
14:06I would keep your powder dry
14:08Yeah
14:09LAUGHTER
14:10Jeremy Kyle was there
14:11Working for the sort of live stream
14:14You know, reform TV
14:15Yeah
14:16But he seemed a little bit distracted
14:18Let's have a look
14:19You can look around here
14:21Burgers, dogs
14:22We must go and get a burger in a minute
14:24I haven't had any breakfast
14:25I haven't had any lunch
14:26Come and sit here
14:27I'm knackered
14:28I haven't had any breakfast
14:29Come and sit down
14:30It's very well organised
14:31They're all having lunch
14:32I'm doing this
14:33Is anybody in the hall watching this?
14:34They're all having lunch?
14:35I don't
14:36What was the thought behind that?
14:37Look at the media
14:38They're just having chips
14:40Boys, come on
14:41I haven't eaten yet
14:42I've had no lunch at all
14:44Not at all
14:45I've been on the bus
14:46I've been everywhere
14:47Dean Norris, which is one of them
14:48That's come over today
14:49Which could really help us
14:50How did she?
14:51They're trying to get something to eat
14:52Unsuccessfully
14:53LAUGHTER
14:54APPLAUSE
14:55Do you think a party that can't organise breakfast for one person should run the country?
15:04Well, yes
15:05Breakfast means breakfast
15:07LAUGHTER
15:09I think we've made some quite valid points about how hard it is to work probably when you go
15:14I bet you've got some Haribo
15:15How hard it is
15:16How hard it is to focus on your job if you're hungry?
15:19Yeah, yeah
15:20It's impossible
15:21Starmix
15:22Terrific
15:23This week Keir Starmer addressed the Labour conference
15:34Before Keir Starmer's speech in Liverpool, delegates were given stress balls
15:38Isn't he married to a vet?
15:40Also this week, the High Court ruled Baroness Mohn must pay back £122 million in PPE contracts
15:48Mohn complained about the verdict on Instagram saying she'd endured five years of pure torture
15:52She should go uppercut size
15:55LAUGHTER
15:57The Times revealed Baroness Mohn has recently taken her luxury yachts to the south of France, the Caribbean and the Maldives
16:07Two of those to escape the stress and one to visit her money
16:10LAUGHTER
16:12Ian and Sheila, here's yours
16:15That's Trump and Putin
16:18Yeah, that's an autocrat with... Oh, there's another autocrat
16:21There he is
16:22Checking his flight
16:23LAUGHTER
16:24I think this is about Trump
16:26He's been meeting lots of people
16:28What does he think he's capable of doing?
16:31Everything
16:32Ending wars
16:33Ending wars, yeah
16:34He's ended seven of them, including ones that didn't exist
16:36Yeah
16:37Shall we have a look at that claim?
16:39Yeah
16:40In a period of just seven months, I have ended seven unendable wars
16:45They said they were unendable
16:47Everyone says that I should get the Nobel Peace Prize for each one of these achievements
16:52What wars is he talking about?
16:54War of the Roses
16:55War of the Roses
16:56LAUGHTER
16:57He couldn't remember half of them and then he made up other ones
17:00There was one about, I think he was trying to say, Azerbaijan or...
17:04Armenia and Azerbaijan
17:05Armenia, actually
17:06Here he is boasting about that
17:07To think that we settled, er, Aber, Bajan and Albania as an example
17:15LAUGHTER
17:17Abercrombie and Fitch, is it?
17:24But there are serious political commentators in America now on television are saying he's
17:28shown flashes of insanity quite often
17:30Should he win the Nobel Peace Prize?
17:32I don't think he'll see the year out
17:33LAUGHTER
17:35And of course, Donald Trump is now going to bring peace to the Middle East
17:39He says he can achieve that
17:41What's his big idea?
17:42A few weeks ago, the plan was to ship all the Palestinians out and turn the place into a strip joint
17:47Yeah
17:48Erm...
17:49But now he's decided there's going to be peace there
17:51And all this has been agreed and he stood there with Netanyahu nodding
17:55And then Netanyahu goes off to a press conference and says, yeah, we're not going to withdraw
17:59And Trump goes on and says, I've solved it
18:01And he literally said, I'm going to bring eternal peace
18:04I mean, he does think he's God now
18:07I mean, obviously all this is incredibly bleak and it's been a particularly horrible week
18:11So having solved all these wars, he now says, right, Gaza is going to be run by the Board of Peace
18:16Yes
18:17The Board of Peace
18:18Yeah
18:19And who, with a magnificent record of bringing peace to the Middle East
18:21Tony Blair
18:22Yes
18:23Is that a good idea?
18:24Well, he did help bring peace to Ireland
18:26So he was involved with that
18:28Yes
18:29But other than that, no
18:31LAUGHTER
18:32Do you not think they'll run it really well?
18:35I just hope they keep fronting away from the button or whatever it is you press
18:40If he's got a button, I don't think it's connected to anything
18:42Yes
18:43LAUGHTER
18:45He's completely losing it
18:46He assembled all the generals the other day just to tell them how he's good at walking upstairs
18:50Yeah
18:51He said, you guys ever walked upstairs?
18:53Yeah
18:54It's a whole audience full of adult men
18:56Yeah
18:57Yeah, yeah, we've walked upstairs
18:59Oh, no, to be fair, the Americans have always fought wars on complete flat surfaces
19:04LAUGHTER
19:05Not going up there, we're like Daleks, we're not going up there
19:08LAUGHTER
19:09Did you see this? Pete Hesketh, who's his Defence Secretary
19:12Yes
19:13They got all the admirals and generals in at very short notice
19:16And he said, we've had enough of people with beards
19:18Beardos
19:19LAUGHTER
19:20They're all beardos
19:21And you're thinking, well, JD Vance has got a beard
19:24And then he said, we're not having anyone fat
19:27Trump, Commander in Truth
19:29LAUGHTER
19:30Oh, the madies
19:31Can we talk about something else?
19:33It's...
19:34Done, Trump
19:35Yes, done
19:36Done
19:37In that case
19:38I'll ask you something else
19:40What major event of cultural significance is about to take place in the Middle East?
19:44Oh, is Jeremy Kyle going to have lunch?
19:46Yes
19:47LAUGHTER
19:48Yes
19:49APPLAUSE
19:50Oh, I think, yeah
19:51Falafel, bit of hummus, sort him right out
19:54Just...
19:55Taking the edge off, isn't it, really?
19:56Oh, this is a Saudi Arabian comedy festival featuring a bunch of comics
19:59Who desperately knew the money
20:00Jimmy Carr is one of them
20:02Getting paid huge amounts of money to go to a place where human rights don't exist
20:06Who's the audience? Who are they playing to?
20:08Rich Saudi Arabians are...
20:10I mean, it's not difficult flogging seats, let alone flogging the audience
20:14I can't imagine Jimmy Carr going down that way
20:17LAUGHTER
20:18I don't think Jimmy's opening with that one
20:21LAUGHTER
20:22He might be closing with it
20:23Yeah
20:24I tell you what, you'll laugh your head off
20:26LAUGHTER
20:29You going to play that festival, Miles?
20:31Yeah, probably
20:32LAUGHTER
20:33Who's booking it? Sorry
20:35LAUGHTER
20:37Just give me one email or contact, I'll follow it up
20:40LAUGHTER
20:41This is Donald Trump's continued attempt to win a Nobel Peace Prize
20:46As he announced his peace plan, Trump claimed it was
20:48One of the greatest days ever in civilisation
20:51Right up there with the day he found two yolks in his boiled egg
20:54LAUGHTER
20:55Trump's board of peace to end all conflict in the Middle East
20:58will include Tony Blair
20:59Though his colleagues famine, pestilence and death are yet to sign up
21:03LAUGHTER
21:07Time now for the odd one out round, just one between you this week
21:10They are
21:11American Ryder Cup fans
21:13The Bishop of Fulham
21:14Jeremy Clarkson
21:15And a Bavarian slug
21:17BUZZ
21:18BUZZ
21:19Yes
21:20I know the story about the Bishop of Fulham
21:21Yes
21:22Yeah
21:23There was a choir in a church above where he lives as bishop
21:27And he went down at the end of their concert in a dressing gown
21:31And told them to shut up
21:33And he said, this is my house, get out
21:36Because he didn't like the noise
21:38Do you think it's all objecting, apart from the fish?
21:41You're trying to win this quiz, this is fabulous
21:44We've never had this before
21:46Well, they're all objecting
21:47He was objecting to what?
21:49Country people having to pay inheritance tax
21:52Clarkson, yeah
21:53These people were shouting at the golfers for some reason
21:56Yeah
21:57So they probably were objecting
21:58And the fish is nice, it doesn't object to anything
22:01It's a slug
22:02It's a slug
22:03But it's so nice it doesn't mind being called a fish
22:05Yeah
22:06I like that one
22:08Tell me what you like
22:09Tell me what you like
22:10It's a good answer
22:12But it's not what's on the card
22:13Oh
22:14Is it noise?
22:15Yeah, the golfers made a noise, didn't they?
22:17Yeah
22:18The American fans were very, very rowdy
22:20And the slug was arrested by the Metropolitan Police
22:24Well, you're joking, but the slug was arrested by police
22:28Oh
22:29You're kidding
22:30The Bishop of Fulham is the odd one out
22:32Because he was the only one not arrested by the police
22:34The Bishop of Fulham is the odd one out
22:35Yeah
22:36But it is because of noise
22:37Ah
22:38Because he complained about the noise
22:40About the noise
22:41And all the others caused noise
22:42Ah
22:43The Bavarian slug?
22:44It was an apartment block in Bavaria
22:46Yes
22:47And the residents got very worried
22:49Because somebody kept ringing the door
22:51But no one was at the door
22:52Oh
22:53So obviously they suspected a klingelstreich
22:55What's that?
22:56Like a knocked down ginger
22:57Oh yeah, okay
22:58The doorbell runs away
22:59Yeah
23:00And they called the police
23:01Yeah
23:02The police discovered a slime trail
23:03But Michael Gove had an alibi
23:05So
23:06Yeah
23:07They realised that it was a slug sliding across the sensors
23:17Here it is
23:18How does the fish get up there?
23:21And what noise has Clarkson been making?
23:26Er, is it his pub?
23:27Residents have complained about loud music late into the night
23:30Oh right
23:31I'm not sure that's the nicest picture of Jeremy Clarkson
23:34We've got a nice one actually
23:35We've got one of him smiling
23:37Is that really him?
23:40Yes
23:41He's wearing a wig, isn't he?
23:43On the subject of pubs
23:45What's special about this pub?
23:47It's the first ever Greg's pub
23:50Oh
23:51Really?
23:52Oh
23:53Does it only sell pies?
23:55Greg's the baker branched out into pubs
23:57Yeah
23:58It's called the Golden Flake Tavern
23:59Wow
24:00Where is it?
24:01I don't know where it is
24:02You see they're going to
24:03Leeds probably
24:04No, it's in Newcastle
24:06The sort of thing you find in Leeds
24:10But the sort of thing made like pies
24:13It's in Newcastle
24:16Newcastle
24:17It's in Newcastle
24:18Yes
24:19I think it sounds wonderful
24:20They're going to have Sunday roasts with steak and chicken bakes
24:23And Greg's inspired cocktails
24:25What?
24:26I think it's a Negroli
24:27Very good
24:29Very good
24:30Very good
24:31Audience of one
24:32Very good
24:33And yes, the American Ryder Cup fans
24:37They chanted USA USA USA
24:39Yes
24:40And mashed potatoes
24:41How do you handle hecklers?
24:44Well, if people shout mashed potatoes
24:46I immediately
24:47Well, I get peeling
24:48You are very different from the English golfer Ian Poulter
24:55He said that golfers should get one taser per hole
24:59How many has he got?
25:01Yeah
25:02And er, shall we
25:05What a mucky remark
25:07How did European fans try to wind up the American golfer Bryson DeChambeau?
25:14Someone ran on and removed his trousers
25:16No
25:17They shouted
25:18D-bag
25:19And er
25:20Pylon
25:21They chanted
25:23You're French and you know you are
25:25Time now for the missing words round which this week features as its guest publication Harmonica Happenings
25:31And we start with pet experts say the best way to calm your cat down is what?
25:41Kill off all the dogs
25:43Sadly illegal
25:48Sadly illegal
25:56Pet experts say the best way to calm your cat down is to give it a glass of wine
26:01This is a company in New Zealand which has launched a range of wines for cats
26:05Not sure how much of a wine connoisseur a cat can be but the taste is bound to make a refreshing change from its own arse
26:10Next
26:15Thinking of taking up the harmonica then you should what?
26:19Contact the Samaritans
26:22Thinking of taking up the harmonica then you should start by puckering your embouchure
26:27Is that what cats do?
26:32Lastly
26:33Pensioner delights country fair by showing off what?
26:36Massive bullocks
26:37Is it withered sprouts?
26:42Is it that they've paid off their mortgage years ago?
26:46Years ago
26:47Now we're just enjoying life
26:50Pensioner delights country fair by showing off his 50-centimetre long aubergine
26:55Here is the veteran vegetable grower Peter Glazebrook with his prize-winning aubergine
26:58It doesn't look that big to me
27:00I mean that sounds
27:01Don't
27:02I mean
27:03Christ
27:05Christ Victorian
27:06Four and over
27:07Bloody massive
27:08We can all see that
27:09For goodness sake
27:11Possible standards to aspire to
27:12Bloody size of that thing
27:15So the final scores are Ian and Sheila have four
27:17Paul and Miles have six
27:23Before we go there's just time for the caption competition
27:25Yes
27:26Ian and Sheila have this
27:27Anyone seen the turd?
27:28Paul and Miles get this
27:29So the doctor says
27:30How long has that been there?
27:31And the monkey says
27:32I woke up a morning and there she was
27:33On which note we say thank you to our panelists Ian Hislop and Dame Sheila Hancock, Paul Merton and Miles Jupp and I leave you with news that at a society wedding in Belgravia one guest spots Prince Harry across a crowded room
27:54In Shropshire a couple of bystanders come to the assistance of a local man who took an unlicensed super strength dose of Viagra
28:07And in Washington one customer is delighted to have found a depilatory cream that actually works
28:14Good night
28:18Good night
28:19Good night
28:33Now no filter or cringe Alan Partridge returns on a mental health mission asking how are you? New next
28:42We'll see you next
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