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Have.I.Got.News.for.You.S70E04 >>> https://dai.ly/x9smsw2
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00:00We'll be back.
00:30APPLAUSE
00:36Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:39I'm Alexander Armstrong.
00:40In the news this week, in Courchevel, Prince Andrew and Fergie
00:44put another bad week behind them with a relaxing ski break.
00:56In Pyongyang, after three and a half weeks of constipation
00:59a much-needed suppository arrives for Kim Jong-un.
01:11And in Arbroath, at the opening of an exhibition on the history
01:14of trowels, one woman wonders how long it'll be
01:16before she can sneak out for a fag.
01:29On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who recently appeared
01:31in a TV show about sharks in which one of them actually bit his leg.
01:35A shocking, unpleasant experience, but that tastes probably
01:37out of its mouth by now.
01:39Please welcome Ross Snowball.
01:46On Paul's team tonight is a journalist who says the worst part
01:49of attending the Riyadh Comedy Festival was being made to applaud
01:51Saudi Arabia's authoritarian rulers.
01:54Although that was before she had to watch Jimmy Carr.
01:56Please welcome Helen Lewis!
01:59APPLAUSE
02:03We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:05Ian and Ross, this is yours.
02:08It's the Holy Land, as the Messiah's arrived.
02:12Thank you. It's a message to himself.
02:15I'm brilliant.
02:17Yep, it's me.
02:19This is a sort of grudging praise week.
02:22He's done it.
02:23He's done it.
02:24He's done it, he's solved it, and that's the end of it now.
02:27Yeah.
02:28It's just done.
02:29Yes, this is news that Donald Trump has brought peace to Gaza.
02:32What did Trump receive in the Knesset?
02:35He received lashings, treacle loads of praise.
02:39Yes.
02:40And again, largely from himself.
02:42It was incredible to watch.
02:43And he said that everyone had spoken for too long.
02:45Um, and then he said,
02:48and I told you, your policy of kill, kill, kill, kill,
02:50I mean, that's not going to work.
02:52I mean, that is the first time it's been described in those terms.
02:56It was like the world's weirdest father of the bride speech.
02:59It had that air to it, like, a bit late in the evening,
03:01what's he going to say?
03:03And he did the thing where, oh, you've got great weapons.
03:06We sold them to you, he said.
03:08The states were like demeanour for which he has become famous.
03:10Yes, he got several standing ovations, didn't he?
03:12Endless applause, had over two hours of praise,
03:14writing about it in the Times, Tom Peck said,
03:17Flattery, Disraeli once said, is best laid on with a trowel.
03:21In the Israeli parliament, they laid it on with a JCP.
03:24LAUGHTER
03:26What's the headache now for Netanyahu?
03:28Well, the corruption charges that are hanging over his head
03:29might be an issue.
03:30Well, exactly.
03:31But Trump's on that too.
03:32He said to the Israeli president, Isaac Herzog, he said,
03:35come on, forget about it!
03:36What he said in his speech, he said, I have an idea,
03:39why don't you give Netanyahu a pardon?
03:41Cigars and champagne, who the hell cares?
03:45That was the corruption, not a reward.
03:48Where did Trump go after the Knesset?
03:51He went to Sharm el-Sheikh.
03:52He did.
03:53Here is Trump getting back on Air Force One.
03:54I'd love you just to watch this and perhaps explain to me what is...
03:57What's going on?
04:01LAUGHTER
04:04LAUGHTER
04:08LAUGHTER
04:09LAUGHTER
04:16Is that Tony Blair?
04:18LAUGHTER
04:21Who was waiting for Trump in Egypt when he got there?
04:24That bloke.
04:26LAUGHTER
04:27He gave a conference, a peace conference, in which no-one else spoke.
04:31LAUGHTER
04:32Oh, no, to be fair...
04:33No, I'm...
04:34Keir Starmer did...
04:35He called, where's UK?
04:36Where's UK?
04:37Where's UK?
04:38LAUGHTER
04:40He called, get back.
04:42And he had to slink away.
04:44Where's UK?
04:45Didn't even know his name.
04:46LAUGHTER
04:47Let's have a look at this.
04:48This is Keir Starmer thinking he's about to be asked to speak
04:50to the world.
04:51Aw.
04:52Where's the United Kingdom?
04:53Where's our friend?
04:54Where...
04:55Come here.
04:57Is everything going good?
04:58Very good.
04:59It's very nice of you here.
05:00These people all came on, like...
05:0320...
05:0420-minute notice.
05:06And I think it's fantastic.
05:07And we have so many others.
05:09And just so many others, and...
05:11LAUGHTER
05:13LAUGHTER
05:14Have you got the handshake he did with President Macron?
05:16We do, yes.
05:17Let's see that.
05:18LAUGHTER
05:19LAUGHTER
05:39Fantastic.
05:41You're going to have to get the UN to separate them.
05:43LAUGHTER
05:44So, how much credit should the UK get for peace in Gaza?
05:48Well, it depends which American you believe, doesn't it?
05:50Well, this is true.
05:51I mean, there were two, weren't there, Helen?
05:52Yeah, Bridget Philipson said,
05:53we were great, we were actually...
05:54You know, you didn't hear a lot about it,
05:55because we don't like to boast,
05:56but actually, we were vital behind the scenes.
05:58And Mike Huckabee, as the US ambassador to Israel, said,
06:01no.
06:02This is right.
06:03Bridget Philipson said,
06:04we played a key role behind the scenes in shaping this.
06:07Mike Huckabee then said,
06:08I assure you, she's delusional.
06:11LAUGHTER
06:12It's been a good week for Trump.
06:13Something has dampened his mood, though.
06:15What might that have been?
06:16Was it the cover of...
06:17The cover of Time magazine.
06:18The cover of Time magazine.
06:19Yeah, that's right.
06:20Where he was all jowly, and his hair looked thin.
06:22Yeah.
06:23Didn't like it.
06:24He's not happy with that at all.
06:25What if he had what young people called a neck-ussie?
06:27What?
06:28He had a neck-ussie.
06:29Tell us, what's the neck?
06:30What's the ussie?
06:31You can work it out for you.
06:32OK, yes, got it.
06:33Thank you very much.
06:34Thank you very much.
06:35No, he...
06:36He said about the Time front cover, he said,
06:38they disappeared...
06:40They disappeared my hair,
06:42and then had something floating on top of my head
06:44that looked like a floating crown, but an extremely small one.
06:47That was the letter M in Time.
06:49Yes, let's have a look at it.
06:51There it is.
06:53It's more party hat than crown, isn't it?
06:55Or horns, maybe.
06:57Yeah, or playboy ears.
06:59Yes.
07:00Trump wrote on Truth Social,
07:02the picture may be the worst of all time.
07:06Go on, Donald.
07:07It's not as bad as this one.
07:09Yeah.
07:18Closer to home, what's rumbling on for Starmer?
07:20The Chinese spy case.
07:21This is absolutely right.
07:22No-one seeming to be able to buy the government's claims
07:25that the case collapsing wasn't their fault.
07:27Tory MP Tom Tugendhat described Labour's excuses as pure fabrication.
07:31The problem is essentially Labour said,
07:33well, this all happened when the Tories were in government
07:35and the Tories say this was Labour's screw-up,
07:37and I'm afraid it's one of those stories that slightly makes my eyes cross.
07:40Trying to retain the details of it is almost impossible.
07:43Mm.
07:44Well, I think the cover that China may not be our best friends
07:47may have been blown a while back.
07:49I mean, there are a few giveaway clues that I would have brought up in the trial.
07:52Hong Kong.
07:53Mm.
07:54They're an ally of Russia's.
07:56Yes, yes.
07:58I don't know.
07:59You know, I'm not an espionage expert, but my guess is this isn't good.
08:04Yeah.
08:06And also, they're listening to you through your toaster, which I don't like.
08:10LAUGHTER
08:12What sort of toaster have you got?
08:16Um...
08:17I suppose it's the Huawei spy toaster.
08:21LAUGHTER
08:23It's very confusing that...
08:25In Newcastle, that company, Huawei, is very...
08:28How are you? How are you? How are you? How are you?
08:31The head of MI5 said, yeah, of course China's a threat.
08:34They're a threat every day.
08:36And my toaster agrees.
08:38LAUGHTER
08:40Look, I'm not an expert, but they're so...
08:43LAUGHTER
08:44They're so desperate for all this information...
08:46Yeah.
08:47..that it seems to call into question how effective fortune cookies are.
08:52LAUGHTER
08:53You know what I mean?
08:54LAUGHTER
08:55You can think about it.
08:57APPLAUSE
09:02Can I just congratulate everybody on the panel for not saying,
09:04what is the takeaway from this Chinese...
09:06LAUGHTER
09:08This is Donald Trump's peace plan for Gaza.
09:11Yes.
09:12At one point, members of the Knesset chanted,
09:13Trump, Trump, Trump.
09:14Though it's unclear why they were singing Nelly the Elephant in the first place.
09:19LAUGHTER
09:20In other news, the row over China's espionage threat continues.
09:22According to one government spokesperson,
09:23Chinese espionage is threatening the UK's economic prosperity.
09:25Great, can I use that, said Rachel Reeves.
09:26LAUGHTER
09:27According to the Times,
09:28Chinese companies have been buying stakes in Britain's infrastructure,
09:29including 9% of Thames water.
09:30The other 91% of Thames water is, of course, turds.
09:31LAUGHTER
09:32Paul and Helen, it's yours.
09:33Oh, right, yes, the Beverly sisters are coming back.
09:35Oh, look, um...
09:36This is sumo wrestlers, obviously.
09:37That's their breakfast there, being sorted out.
09:38Um...
09:39Oh, they're on tour now.
09:40They've come to London and they've been taking in all the time.
09:41Yes.
09:42Mm-hmm.
09:43Mm-hmm.
09:44Mm-hmm.
09:45Mm-hmm.
09:46Mm-hmm.
09:47Mm-hmm.
09:48Mm-hmm.
09:49Mm-hmm.
09:50Mm-hmm.
09:51Mm-hmm.
09:52Mm-hmm.
09:53Mm-hmm.
09:54Mm-hmm.
09:55Mm-hmm.
09:56Mm-hmm.
09:57Mm-hmm.
09:58Mm-hmm.
09:59Mm-hmm.
10:00Mm-hmm.
10:01Mm-hmm.
10:02Mm-hmm.
10:03Mm-hmm.
10:04That's right.
10:05By standing with their back to them.
10:06Yeah.
10:07So sumo wrestling has come into the Royal Albert Hall for the first
10:09time in 50 years.
10:10Yeah.
10:11I was really pleased that this question has come up...
10:12Yes.
10:13Because I was in Kensington this morning and I saw an enormous
10:16sumo wrestler standing at the bus stop.
10:18Yeah.
10:19Yeah.
10:20I've been staying just next to where the Albert Hall is and I saw
10:23a few of them and I genuinely... And I didn't know either,
10:25and I genuinely had this thought.
10:27I went, that's a lot of sumos around today.
10:29Yeah, I mean so it is the first time it's actually 34 years
10:3534 years and in those days the big name in sumo was Konishiki Yasokichi. Yes, he was known as dump truck
10:43Or meat bomb technically here. They are arriving at Heathrow
10:52Yeah, all together they look a normal size you need the comparison
10:56Is that their lunch?
10:59Oh
11:01The grand sumo tournaments taking place at the albert hall what backstage precautions have organizers had to take probably reinforcing the floor
11:08Yes reinforcing the toilet
11:11200 kilograms. Well, you don't want dump truck coming
11:18Yeah, what's so special about the sumo loincloth the mawashi, it's only mawashi'd once
11:23I'm having a flashback to aladdin
11:33It's 30 feet long and actually it is never washed isn't it because to do so would remove the wrestlers previous experience
11:40Well, yes, that's that's surely the point
11:47Now can you answer me this they're famous for
11:49Yes, they're famous for retracting their testicles
11:52Mmm, that's who?
11:53That's who?
11:54What?
11:54Sumo wrestlers
11:55What do you mean who?
11:59I thought we might have moved on to another question
12:03We might be doing the shadow cabinet or something, I don't know
12:06Part of their training is they're able to
12:09through
12:10Through muscle control. Yeah, they're able to retract the testicles like pull them up inside
12:17Yeah, and then I mean, I don't know some bloke in the pub told me
12:22We dump truck you'd have our job find them in the first place
12:26Sticking with ancient and hallowed sporting rituals
12:31What is going on here?
12:33Yeah, this is the world conquer champion
12:35They've just had the conquer championships and he's won that is the crowning of king conquer the winner of the world conquer championships
12:4137 year old matt cross from lincolnshire. Yeah, I'm absolutely speechless. He lied. Yeah
12:49I mean if anyone's king conquer surely it should be this person look at this
12:54They'll have our job retracting them wouldn't they?
12:58The conquer competition has got a fascinating history though. Do you know how it started just extreme boredom
13:03According to committee member singen burkett the tournament began in 1965 when some men were going to go fishing and
13:12That's how a lot of stuff happens
13:14Staying with sport what has Cabo Verde achieved?
13:17Oh, they've qualified for the world cup. They have they beat the mighty Eswatini. They're a very small team very small island
13:22Yeah, size of what a walnut
13:26The size of Sheffield do you like the fact that you start talking about football and Ian and I retracted
13:33Like the balls of a sumo
13:36England also qualified for the world cup. Yeah, why is Gary Neville a wanker?
13:42Ian
13:44In the eyes of many England fans
13:46Um, well, he was he was on this show. He was yeah, that doesn't make anyone a wanker automatically
13:51I think you'll find it does
13:53I thought it was a prerequisite
13:58England fans were unhappy that Gary Neville had ordered the union flag if he'd taken off a building that he owns
14:04Yes, it was being used in a negative fashion and after the game on Wednesday night the England fans sang
14:09Gary Neville you're a wanker you're a wanker to the tune of the alleluia chorus
14:15Handel's Messiah. Yeah, will you be playing that on classic FM?
14:20Will you be recording it and putting it on your next album?
14:23Yeah, it's almost certainly
14:24Yeah
14:26Unsavoury choral chants
14:30A selection of Gregorian filth
14:32Oh, I bet there was some
14:34Yeah, talking about exciting big world events. Helen, where have you just been?
14:38Yes, I went to the first ever Riyadh stand-up comedy festival. How did you do?
14:43I've got a tight five of my best women's lib material. Well, very well
14:47Yeah, this is a place where women only were allowed to drive in 2019
14:50So you can still if you've got any old women drivers material really it was still very fresh to them
14:56Did you not get the calls on? No, of course, no, I didn't get the calls. No, Saudi pointless. No, Saudi pointless. Yeah, yeah, you could have called it
15:03Saudi headless
15:05I was furious. I wasn't even offered it. Oh, I wasn't even offered the gig. I would have had some of that sweet blood money
15:14But luckily i'm in the running for the bokeh haram giggle fest
15:22That's the one
15:27Stand up for Isis
15:29This is the royal albert hall which is hosting a sumo wrestling competition or basho who I haven't seen since school. Yeah
15:40And so we retracting those yeah
15:42You've gone too far
15:56You should have stopped at the eyebrows
15:59And so to round two the telepathic transmitter of news. I am going to conjure up a news story
16:05Using simply the power of my mind. Right, okay
16:09It's like being on with a Teletubby
16:11It's like being on with a Teletubby
16:13Okay
16:24Does it involve the word wrong in
16:26It's like being on with a Teletubby
16:27Yeah, yes
16:28They see his own helmet's taking the piss out of him
16:31Champion
16:34This is yet more news of prince andrew's relationship with jeffrey epstein
16:38He was discovered telling the same lies his wife he announced that he had no further contact with epstein the pedo
16:46person
16:48What a very polite way of putting it
16:50I say you pedo person
16:53The politeness never hurt
16:58He announced in the emily make this interview that after a certain date he went over to new york and said i this is it
17:04I can't have any contact with you anymore and then an email turned up exactly right
17:08So as a reported leaked email from 2011 sent the day after the photo of the duke posing with virginia giffray was published
17:15Andrew writes in it
17:16It would seem we are in this together and we will have to rise above it. I'm just as concerned for you. Don't worry about me
17:22Keep in close touch and we'll play some more soon
17:28What punishment is andrew facing is it none
17:30Well according to the daily mail one option for the disgraced duke is banning him from shooting on the royal estate
17:37Oh could they not um de-print him is there a mechanism for that don't know if they can do that
17:43But they could strip him of his remaining honours what just call him the artist formerly known app
17:53The trouble is right they've at least got him under control at the moment
17:56But he will literally do anything for cash so if they force him out he'll be doing pant or the mosque singer
18:04He'll be doing the riyadh stand-up comedy festival
18:07I mean he's still a knight of the garter
18:10And they could strip him of that what is there any special sort of
18:13Privilege to be in the knight of garter you get 10% off sports equipment or something
18:17He doesn't take a part in any of the public aspects of the annual ceremony of the knights of the garter instead is apparently confined to the private parts
18:26I think he's not allowed to go to church
18:28At christmas oh that's come from god yeah
18:33Meanwhile in other royal news yeah what were the king and queen given this week
18:37They were given lego versions of themselves on a visit to a community hall near balmoral the local lego club presented them with these
18:44homemade
18:47Is that prince andrew in the background
18:49Also during the visit the king and queen were treated to a performance by a fiddler
18:57Who was the fiddler i was thinking of baroness moan
19:00Figures it was clean
19:06There's a game short fiddler's three yeah you've got moan you've got the move on
19:11Take it away
19:16Fingers on buzzers team we go this is working really well
19:19Well done it's good
19:20I thought i'm being hypnotised
19:24What's going on
19:27Paul and helen
19:28Potholes
19:31No dinosaur prints
19:32Dinosaur prints
19:33Dinosaur prints they found there's a big quarry they blew it up and there's this dinosaur that walked across there
19:39Sometime last week they think yeah
19:42Longest sort of track of dinosaur prints ever discovered it's exactly right 200 footprints
19:47And there's a bit where the dinosaur stopped and like sort of looked around and just go oh am i going to go extinct
19:53I mean they said that yeah they said that it was a four-legged creature walking along yeah could have been two-legged doing a chorus line
20:02But yes it's 220 meters long yeah
20:04Do you want to see the recreation of the dinosaur responsible this is a seteosaurus
20:08Right okay
20:09We can start to animate this
20:12Skeleton to make the feet hit the footfalls hit the tracks where they should be it kind of is a stroll really isn't it yeah
20:20It is it's not moving particularly fast two meters per second
20:22It's about the same speed as a human would walk quickly
20:26And so it looks like it's paws maybe looked behind it and then kept moving along
20:31In this direction what a great job
20:34What am i going to do today i'm going to animate a dinosaur see how it walked
20:37Oh it looked walk it walked like you'd expect a dinosaur to walk
20:40But if that was your job you'd get bored by lunchtime and then you'd have it on a giant porgo stick
20:46Just round it like boing boing boing boing boing
20:51This is the news that paleontologists have unearthed one of the longest continuous dinosaur trackways ever found
20:57The excavation shows that 166 million years ago oxford was home to a large number of dinosaurs
21:03Although i imagine most of them got in on sports scholarships
21:07At the time the footprints were made britain was still part of europe
21:11Until a group of short-sighted dinosaurs decided that we should take back
21:14I know those dinosaurs they were called tea brecks
21:24Uh fingers on buzzers tees
21:26Paul and helen people are stretching cats in luton
21:38This is vet bills isn't it it is exactly right
21:41There's going to be a new sort of regulation come in so people have to
21:44Vets have to advertise how much it costs to have your cat operated on
21:47There have been huge price increases since 2016 caused mainly by large corporations buying up smaller independent veterinary practices
21:54So you don't get the choice you don't get the choice
21:56And also once once you're in it's very difficult to stop spending money very
22:00How did one vet defend the costs to the bbc this week lots of very expensive equipment
22:06Yes the mri machine costs like half a quarter of a million pounds
22:10Oh and she wanted a porsche
22:15Uh they said though we love our pets ultimately they are a luxury item
22:19Who fancies a quick game
22:20Okay quick game i'm going to test your knowledge of veterinary costs with a game of higher or lower
22:25Let's start with a dog deworming procedure
22:27How much how much that cost
22:28800 quid no lower lower 400 quid
22:35Lower no lower 200 quid
22:37100 pounds 100 pounds she's still lower 20 20 pounds exactly right it's a bargain that's a bargain might have one myself yeah
22:45Higher or lower a pet haircut i can't be any more specific than that higher higher yes higher
22:50Do they charge more for lady cats i don't know they do not
22:54210 more more 300 higher higher 400 thank you very much
22:58Next one higher or lower having your rabbit castrated
23:03Well you can you can do it for nothing at home
23:07You need two copies of the encyclopedia botanica
23:10That's how you get the the rabbit if it won't drink right
23:13So you put a ball of water in front of it yeah you get the encyclopedias bang on its balls it goes
23:20That's the only way to do it does that work on sumo wrestlers
23:23Yeah
23:24You can't do it you creep up on a sumo wrestler with the encyclopedia britannica and they're gone they're just laughing your face
23:32You actually need two bookcases
23:34Yeah
23:35Yeah
23:37160 for rabbit castration and that's the end of the game
23:39Oh wow
23:39Right
23:40Thank you very much
23:41I have done that
23:42Yeah
23:42We're in favour
23:43Fantastic
23:43And now for the missing words round which this week features as its guest publication ant keeper magazine
23:49And we start with kim kardashian launches new range of underwear that what
23:54Likes a challenge
23:58The sad thing is i know this one they've got a muff on them
24:00They're hairy yes
24:01That's absolutely right yes that is hairy here is one of kim's faux hair microthongs on sale
24:10So that's known as the bin laden
24:14And it can also be flipped the other way up to guard buckingham palace
24:21They come in a range of colours here's another
24:25For the mature lady
24:26Yeah
24:29Useful in the coming months if you need to dress up as father christmas it sure
24:33Is it just me or could you go some super noodles
24:39Put it away a lot of you're making me hungry
24:47Save it save it for riyadh
24:50You don't get that on the buffet
24:52I fancy a chinese takeaway not in front of the torch
25:01We should have done the whole show like that
25:04Next what weighs more than all the birds and mammals in the world combined is it your mom
25:10It's the world's population of ants uk it is exactly that the total mass of the planet's ants
25:21Yeah right that's according to professor i reckon from the university of wild gas
25:29Next michael gove says he got bored while what waiting to be seen at the clap clinic
25:34I'm not saying he had he was given a clean bill of health
25:39It's um it's getting divorced isn't it that's exactly right divorcing his wife gove and his wife have been separated for a while now
25:45If you're wondering about his current sleeping arrangements he's now a member of the house of law
25:51Next according to ant experts the best ants joke is what there's two ants playing football
25:56in a saucer and one says the other we've got to keep practicing we're in the cup next week cup saucer
26:02and a football
26:04Thank you
26:05Thank you very much
26:06Let's hear the best ant joke in the world according to the ant expert
26:09Okay according to the ant expert here we go
26:10If ants are so busy how come they have time to go to all the picnics
26:17This is of course from ant keeper magazine
26:19For a relaxing read put the kettle on make a cup of tea and pour the rest of the boiling water on the ants
26:24Finally woman who regularly what says she took inspiration from watching monkeys and paints her ass red
26:33We've all seen them in safe ways haven't we we'll see in the bit
26:37Does it throw us a shit at school children?
26:42No she is woman who walks around on all fours
26:45Here is nature lover alexia craft de la so on itvs this morning recently come on in alexia
26:50Look how graceful she is it's there's grace and elegance to that that is just remarkable alexia
26:58It's absolutely incredible
27:00Good morning
27:01Good morning
27:02Get off the sofa
27:06Alexia has a hundred and eighty one thousand followers mostly dogs
27:09So the final scores are ian and ross have four paul and helen have eight eight
27:16Eight
27:17That's what we go there's just time for the caption competition paul and helen get this
27:26England football team deny cocaine abuse
27:30Ian and ross have this
27:32Do you think we've overdone the ozempic?
27:36I think somebody's saying sorry lads you're gonna have to play the piano because you clearly haven't got organs
27:49On which note we say thank you to our panelists ian hislop and ross noble paul merton and helen lewis
27:53And i leave you with news that in lichfield king charles pays a visit to michael fabricant as he recovers from getting his fingers stuck in a plug socket
28:05Two property developers decide on the best location for the new super mcdonald's
28:12And in westminster there's an embarrassing moment for one employees he shows up dressed as frankenstein two weeks early for the office halloween party
28:19From sally wainwright creator of happy valley comes at riot women in a punk band fiery new drama on iplayer
28:43Coffee and compassion next on bbc one ever probing problem-solving alan partridge
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