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S1.E7 ∙ Room Service
Sun, Apr 11, 1993
It's July and Peter mixes up their visitors schedules. The result is that they suddenly find themselves with a houseful of guests. They are an interesting lot: one fancies himself a handyman an sets about repairing anything in sight while his wife can't help bu calculate the cost of every meal; another is a lush whose wife is constantly ill; while a third couple are quintessential tourists who expect to be escorted everywhere. The Mayles soon develop a plan to get them all to move on. Peter is still after Rivière over the frozen truffles he sold him but all he wants to talk about is when Tony Havers might show up.

Category

😹
Fun
Transcript
00:00Thank you for listening.
00:30It was July.
00:52The weather was hard, hot, dry and dusty.
01:00Colin Barney had swapped his wellies for his beach outfit, but, sadly, showed no signs
01:08of going on holiday.
01:09What does that say there?
01:18I've absolutely no idea.
01:21We were waiting for the first of our summer guests, looking forward to swapping gossip
01:26and practising our English.
01:27Only...
01:28It's very faint.
01:30It's the pencil.
01:31I wrote it months ago.
01:33I think it says Tompkins.
01:36Why is it all crinkly?
01:38I left it out in the rain.
01:39You see, in Braille, it feels like Hopkins.
01:47Or Comptons, maybe.
01:48Or even Lamptons.
01:50No, not the Lamptons, darling.
01:51They've been...
01:53Who are the Lamptons?
01:55The baby.
01:56I prefer Columbani.
02:00There's only one thing for it.
02:02We just have to be ready all the time.
02:04Mm.
02:04You were expecting us, Peter.
02:21Absolutely.
02:21I was just saying to Annie, where's the architect then?
02:25Must show him around, get his opinion, wasn't I, Annie?
02:27Absolutely, darling.
02:28And that's the famous table that caused all the trouble.
02:31Yes, that's the table.
02:32Oh, big, eh, Ted?
02:34Oh, very big.
02:36It's so beautiful.
02:38Isn't it fantastic, Terry?
02:39Really fantastic.
02:41We've been thinking about you here for so long.
02:42It's even more beautiful than we imagined, isn't it, Ted?
02:45Really beautiful.
02:47Oh, what an incredible smell.
02:49Now, that's what I call a real kitchen smell.
02:52Can I have a peek?
02:56Ted, would you perhaps like a little, um...
02:59Wouldn't mind a little pastis if you had one handy.
03:02Peter?
03:03That'd be wonderful.
03:07Whoops.
03:09Uh, would you buy any chance, old chap?
03:11Glad you approved, Ted.
03:14This gratin d'aubergines is just divine.
03:16And the things you do with baby courgettes.
03:19Mm.
03:20Oh, golly.
03:22With my nose peeling already.
03:23You ought to take it easy at first, Sue.
03:24Oh, you're joking, Annie.
03:26Life's too short.
03:27You've got to cram it in.
03:29Mm.
03:30This cold vegetable omelet is heavenly.
03:32What's it called?
03:34Crispa-u.
03:35Crispa-u.
03:36Oh, I'm such a pig.
03:37I'm going to have some more of that warm tomato sauce with your own basil and your own thyme.
03:43And the bread.
03:44Oh, do you know something, Annie?
03:46I could die.
03:47I mean it.
03:49Life surely can't offer any more.
03:51It could stop now.
03:53I could die.
03:59Friends.
04:03You doubtless find me a bit sentimental.
04:06Mm.
04:06But friends are so wonderful.
04:11That Ted's a real laugh.
04:13Mm.
04:14It's a quiet kind of humor.
04:17As for Sue, I've never seen anyone so enthusiastic.
04:23Dear Elsie, I could die.
04:27Mm.
04:27Oh, I can't anymore.
04:36I can't.
04:38Oh.
04:40I think she's dying.
04:45I don't know.
04:45I don't know.
04:46I'm sorry.
04:47Stay back there.
04:48Stay back there.
04:51Morning, all.
04:53Morning.
04:54Lovely day.
04:56You all right, Sue?
04:57Fine.
04:58Upset time, that's all.
04:59How do I look?
05:00Fine.
05:01Super.
05:02Nothing a French breakfast won't put right.
05:04And a lazy day.
05:05Just take things easy, I thought.
05:07I've got a wall to see to.
05:09That's no problem.
05:11I do have something that might help, Sue.
05:13If I can just go into your bathroom.
05:17As for me, I think a nice cafe cognac after a hard night.
05:24That's okay, Peter?
05:25Excuse me, Mr. Coulomb.
05:28No, I'm sorry, ma'am.
05:28No, no, no, je voulais just...
05:30Oh, my God.
05:35Maybe that's why.
05:36Maybe I wrote one name on top of another.
05:38I think you've met, uh, Ralph Hopkins?
05:47Uh, Tompkins.
05:48How do you do?
05:50You were expecting us, Peter.
05:52Come off it, Ted.
05:55Ralph.
05:56Of course we were.
05:58I was just saying to Annie.
05:59You ever seen a lawyer in London in July?
06:02Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
06:04Oh, this is my mother-in-law, Mrs. Robinson.
06:06She's had a stroke.
06:08Doesn't speak.
06:09Loves France.
06:10We're giving her a treat.
06:11How do you do, Mrs. Robinson?
06:14Where's Libby?
06:15I'm Libby.
06:16I meant Sue. I'm sorry. Oh, Sue, she's, um. Yes, well, I'll show you the room. Annie!
06:34Annie! Hello there. Ah. How lovely to see you. It is far too much of a burden for you, Annie. Nonsense.
06:48Oh, it's far too much. You can't feed all these mouths for God knows how long. We'll have to have a purse.
06:54What? A purse. We'll have a communal purse and we'll all contribute to the purse.
06:59We'll all put in, say, ten pounds a head to start with and five for my mother. She only has soup.
07:06And we'll take it in turns to the shopping. It's all fair and square. Democratic. No squabbling. No cheating.
07:11I really don't see there's any need to be. Of course there is.
07:14And I seem to remember I have a suitable object in the car.
07:19Ted Hopkins' wife. Has she got any Chinese blood in her?
07:30Actually, no. She's...
07:33There's a kind of moan in the courtyard.
07:37Peter!
07:41Ah. Yes.
07:43Riviere.
07:47How pleasant.
07:48Le Tony.
07:50What about Tony?
07:51Ah. Le Tony.
07:54Oddly and sadly, no.
07:57We've been trotting down to the Swiss chalet postbox every morning, but would you believe it?
08:02Heartbroken. No sign of a letter.
08:04Oh, rien.
08:05Vous.
08:08Oddly again, no. I haven't written to him for some time.
08:12Venez avec moi.
08:13I can't come with you, Antoine.
08:16Venez.
08:17Listen, Antoine.
08:19I have guests.
08:21Des invités.
08:22Understand?
08:23I can't go gallivanting off into the countryside with some demented peasant.
08:28Right, Peter.
08:30Bonjour, monsieur.
08:32Bonjour.
08:32Down to work?
08:34I beg your pardon?
08:35You haven't come to laze around, you know.
08:37Nothing like manual labour for relaxation.
08:39You must show me around, give me some jobs.
08:41Sweeping, digging, mending, you name it.
08:44Love making concrete.
08:46Got any concrete you want made?
08:47Actually, um, I, uh, if you'll excuse me for a moment, I have some very vital, very important business with Mr, uh, River here.
08:58I'm going to go out of my mind.
09:11I'm going to go out of my mind.
09:11Lettonie.
09:12Lettonie.
09:16Lettonie.
09:17Lettonie.
09:18Listen, I've been trying to tell you for the last five minutes, I don't give a damn about lettonie, okay?
09:25I want to talk about truffles.
09:28Frozen truffles.
09:30Les truffes sur du lait.
09:32Get me?
09:34Lettonie.
09:35Are you totally deaf, Riviere?
09:39Lettonie.
09:40La.
09:45Riviera.
09:47La.
09:47Right, okay, calm down, calm down.
09:53You first, me next.
09:55So, Riviera.
09:58La.
10:00Tony.
10:02La.
10:02Tony buys this, you keep this.
10:07So what?
10:07Et alors?
10:08Et alors?
10:09Eh, Riviera.
10:11Pui.
10:13Tony.
10:14Pas pui.
10:15But if he hasn't got a well, he hasn't got any water.
10:18Eh, bah, Riviera, chemin.
10:22Eh, eh, le Tony, pas chemin.
10:24But if he doesn't own the path, how the hell does he get to the house?
10:28Ah, bah, bah, il achète.
10:31Are you saying that the path and the well are not included in the price?
10:36They're extra?
10:38Extra.
10:39Très.
10:41Très cher.
10:42You know what this might mean, Antoine?
10:45It might mean that Tony doesn't buy the house at all.
10:51Riviera.
10:52Eh, eh, eh, pas better.
10:55Peter!
10:57Sorry to interrupt.
10:58Uh, little spot of bother back home.
11:03I couldn't have bothered to go and pulled it out.
11:07It's been bothered.
11:08It's obviously been badly constructed.
11:10I can't hear you.
11:11What?
11:14It's not really my fortune, though.
11:17I mean, if it had been badly done, it was probably done by a Frenchman.
11:19Oh, Peter, what have you come from?
11:32Mr. Colaconee!
11:36Mr. Colaconee!
11:38No, Mr. Colaconee, not a fire.
11:59You, you, look, this is too much.
12:06Throw, okay?
12:07Throw the bang, throw the boom, throw the bong, okay?
12:12Nous avons des friends, des guests.
12:16Nous voulons un peu de peace et quiet, okay?
12:19Eh, mais c'est flouant.
12:21Et le chauffage central, il s'installe comment, hein?
12:23Tout seul?
12:24Par magie?
12:25Nous n'avons pas ni du central heating now, monsieur Colombani.
12:30Pas maintenant.
12:31Maintenant, il fait beau.
12:32Il fait chaud.
12:34Nous souhaitons un great deal.
12:36Donc, demain, okay?
12:38Eh, oui, demain, demain.
12:39Ils disent tous demain.
12:40C'est moi, le boss, monsieur Colombani.
12:44À bientôt!
12:47Les vacanciers, c'est l'idée des vacanciers, ça.
12:50Ils foutent rien, mais les travailleurs, ils foutent qu'ils travaillent parmi, eh?
12:53L'hiver est grelotte, alors, monsieur Colombani, vous ne pouvez pas venir chez moi?
12:57J'ai froid.
12:58Et alors, l'été, quand l'hiver est loin, monsieur Colombani, on le fout à la porte comme un malheureux étranger.
13:06Monsieur Colombani, je ne suis pas prêt de remettre l'épin dans votre maison, eh?
13:13Vous pouvez crever le froid.
13:36Je suis très calme.
13:38Je vais construire mon wall.
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16:13I'm going to start my war.
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19:27What is happening to us?
19:57What are we turning into?
19:59What are we turning into?
20:01Oh no!
20:25What darling?
20:29It's Hugh.
20:31Hugh?
20:33Hugh.
20:35Hugh.
20:39I'm sure you understand.
20:41You mustn't like this.
20:45Of course.
20:47We know a Hugh.
20:49I'm not superstitious.
20:51Hugh.
20:55But there was no getting away from them.
20:57You know,
20:59You know,
21:01You know,
21:03You know,
21:05The summer was a tourist hotspot.
21:07Summer was a tourist hotspot.
21:15You know,
21:17I used to like this place.
21:19I used to like this place.
21:21It's kind of broken down and human.
21:25I also used to like people.
21:27I used to like people.
21:29They used to be human too.
21:33They wore clothes.
21:35They wore clothes.
21:37They didn't wear baggy Bermudas and bum bags full of loot for buying damn all.
21:41Calm down.
21:43Calm down.
21:45I hate holidays.
21:47Peter.
21:49We should never have told people about France.
21:53When they go on one of their group outings, we'll move in and get a change of clothes.
22:09Look.
22:11Ralph.
22:13The bastard.
22:17He's building my wall.
22:21They're going out.
22:23They're going out.
22:25They're going out.
22:27They're going out.
22:29They're going out.
22:31They're going out.
22:33They're going out.
22:35They're going out.
22:37They're going out.
22:39They're going out.
22:41They're going out.
22:43They're going out.
22:45They're going out.
22:47They're going out.
22:49They're going out.
22:50What are you knocking his wall down for?
23:06I beg your pardon?
23:08You heard.
23:10I thought you didn't speak.
23:12Best way to get on with people.
23:18Ralph gets on my nerves.
23:19This is my wall.
23:21Tell him to go, then.
23:23Tell them all to go.
23:24Be a man.
23:26Don't you like it here?
23:27I thought out of my mind.
23:33You're quite a girl, Mrs. Robinson.
23:36Do us a favour, then.
23:38The thing is, I don't like to tell them.
23:42I was in France during the war.
23:44The place was occupied, remember?
23:47So what did they do?
23:48They called in the resistance.
23:51They called in the land.
23:55I was in the streets alone.
23:59Ilai on the one and that 51.
24:03I MAR sync with me.
24:04You're looking for a two- вес of people for this event.
24:06I'm looking for a living Brenda.
24:07You look for a house.
24:08You look for a living legacy.
24:09You look for a living coil.
24:09You look for a living.
24:10You look for a livingcope.
24:11You look for a livingegee.
24:11You look for a living experience.
24:12We're staring at Olymp moderate.
24:14You look for a living.
24:14I'm looking for you.
24:15You look for a livingrise.
24:15I got planned.
25:23Dearest Peter and Annie, thanks for the most wonderful time, blissful memories, marvellous hosts, gone.
25:34Well, there's just one final account to settle.
26:12Monsieur Colombani, je vous remercie et je vous demande pardon.
26:19You were right.
26:20I was wrong.
26:26Je vous pardonne, Monsieur Mel.
26:27I've learned a lesson.
26:28In life, the most important thing is to know who your real friends are.
26:33Oh!
26:34Oh!
26:35Oh!
26:36Oh!
26:38Oh!
26:39Oh!
26:40Oh!
26:41Oh!
26:42Oh!
26:43Oh!
26:44Oh!
26:45It's better.
26:46You're wrong, but...
26:47Oh!
26:48Oh!
26:50Oh!
26:53Oh!
26:59Oh!
27:00pee!
27:02Oh!
27:03Yeah!
27:04Oh, je suis là, moi!
27:34Oh, je suis là, moi!
28:04Oh, je suis là, moi!
28:34Oh, je suis là, moi!
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