- 19 hours ago
It is a typical Monday in the canteen. Jean is frantically preparing for her daughter's wedding, but while she searches for an accordionist, Lisa has an attack of nerves and gets married in secret. Bren and Dolly discuss the weekend's television offerings in great detail and Twinkle arrives late again. New Human Resources manager Philippa Moorcroft tries to rope everyone in to a group Scottish country dancing session, without much success. Meanwhile, Tony tries to keep everyone focused on actually making some food.
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FunTranscript
00:00All right, Stan? All right, Norman?
00:21I'm not.
00:22Male maintenance person entering female lavatory area.
00:25I can't cope with them stairs.
00:28They're good for your stairs.
00:29They were on news last night.
00:30There was this woman.
00:31She was 104 and she could still get into a pair of Levi's.
00:33Oh.
00:34It took two people to button them up for her, but even so.
00:37No, this is like a phobia.
00:39I get panicky.
00:40What, on stairs?
00:41I fell off a diving board in Guernsey, you know.
00:44I can't stand on coconut matting either.
00:46You didn't get help for that, couldn't you?
00:47Oh, I haven't got time.
00:48I'm building an extension.
00:50Are you all right, Stan?
00:51Did you have a nice weekend?
00:52I did, Brent.
00:52I got my carpet tax organised, finally.
00:55Did you?
00:56Well, I bet you'd imagine they were standardised, hadn't you, carpet taxed?
00:59Yeah.
00:59They're not.
01:01I had to laugh in the end.
01:02They're variations in length.
01:04Can you put a boiler on for me, Stan?
01:06Now, the trays and the docket, they don't exactly tally.
01:10Why?
01:10What have I not got?
01:11You've got your white sliced, you've got your brown, you've got your rolls, you've got
01:14your French sticks and you've got your pitters.
01:17Yeah.
01:17But you haven't got your granary torpedoes.
01:20Why have I not got my granary torpedoes?
01:22We didn't all get put on Van.
01:23I weren't there.
01:25This were Glenda.
01:26Oh, just sign it, Brent.
01:27I've got an itchy bum.
01:34Yeah, but Norman, I can't sign saying I've had granary torpedoes if I haven't had granary
01:38torpedoes.
01:39That'd be like a bridge over the River Kwai, that, wouldn't it?
01:41Eh?
01:42Well, it'd be like Kim Novak in Vertigo.
01:44You know, living a lie.
01:44Have you never seen Vertigo?
01:49Seen it?
01:50I've got it.
01:52Alec Guinness.
01:53Very erect.
01:54In Bridge over the River Kwai?
01:56And what's that one with Stanley Holloway?
01:57Lavender Hill mob.
01:58Oh, and he runs down all the steps of the Eiffel Tower.
02:01Oh, I couldn't watch that.
02:02Running down steps, oh, it'd put me back years, that would.
02:06I'd hyperventilate.
02:07Could you not watch it with the paper bag?
02:09Morning.
02:12Anyone for a gangbang?
02:14We haven't got any granary torpedoes.
02:16I've given you loaves in loo.
02:17Have you?
02:18Go on then, your sauce box.
02:19This were Glenda.
02:20Oh, we're on toilet.
02:21Blummin' cold, Brent.
02:22Eh?
02:23And when's Glenda coming back on her round?
02:25Are you all right, Brent?
02:26Did you get any?
02:27What?
02:28At the weekend, did you get any?
02:29Any sex?
02:30No, I had to go to Laundra.
02:36Did you, Tony?
02:37Hollow flipping laughter.
02:39Do you want me to bruise, Dan?
02:40Defo.
02:40Oh, you've got your overall on.
02:43Is it so much to ask Brent for you to walk around in your bra for five minutes?
02:47Yes, it is.
02:48Do you think Big Glenda would give us a flash?
02:50Not after you said she looked like desperate Dan.
02:54He's starting to look very attractive to me, is Dan?
02:57What do you want?
02:58Girl in a wet T-shirt.
03:00Coffee.
03:02It's been a bit slow, this.
03:03Eh?
03:04Shouldn't be.
03:04I've had the plug off.
03:06Hi, Anita, are you?
03:08Anita.
03:08Do you fancy a bunk-up just to get me brain going?
03:13Is a bunk-up a hammock?
03:15It's Monday.
03:19Do you have a nice weekend?
03:20Coming to temp now.
03:22Who's me bins?
03:23Hmm.
03:23I went to a craft fair.
03:25I got one of those coat hangers with the goggly eyes.
03:27Did you?
03:28Hello.
03:29Coat hanger, goggly eyes.
03:30Well, it's a coat hanger and it's got goggly eyes on it.
03:35What are we doing about our torpedoes?
03:38Let's start with nothing.
03:39Morning.
03:40Morning.
03:40Hi, Dolly.
03:41Morning, Jean.
03:42What's wrong with Delilah?
03:43I have no objection to the song.
03:46It was just Tom Jones squatting on the front of the TV Times in those swimming trunks.
03:51Red?
03:55No idea.
03:57Are we a quorum?
03:59Any chance of getting any blooming work done?
04:00Twinkle's not here.
04:01It's only Monday.
04:03Still the weekend for her.
04:05She'll be sat in a cab somewhere throwing up.
04:07Corn on the cob?
04:09We're not still on Tom Jones' swimming trunks.
04:13The wedding.
04:14Sit down, a running buffet.
04:16How do you cope, Jean?
04:18I don't.
04:19This has been twitching since September.
04:21Dolly, what day is it for you?
04:22Full fat, semi-skimmed?
04:24Full fat.
04:24I'll treat myself.
04:26Oi, Twinkle.
04:27What?
04:28You don't come to work in your overall, do you?
04:30All right.
04:31Can you scrotum on?
04:36OK.
04:37Finally.
04:38Twink, you're on the sink.
04:39Thanks, a bag roll.
04:41Dolly on sarnies.
04:42There's no torpedoes, so don't come knocking on my door saying,
04:45where's the torpedoes, because there aren't any.
04:47Bren up the counter and...
04:48Oh, sort yourselves out.
04:51Bren, I'm having a fag.
04:53If he phones about the salad cream, tell him...
04:55Tell him you're having a fag?
04:56Yeah.
04:58Shut the door!
05:00Hey, did you see that film on Sunday?
05:02On Sky?
05:03No, on real telly.
05:04Dirk Bogart.
05:05Oh, because on Sky there was this film about this woman whose husband died in this avalanche.
05:11And two years later she finds his sperm in the freezer and gets pregnant with a turkey based on it.
05:16Hey, that sounds good.
05:31Based on a true story.
05:33Do I go?
05:35So she's been distraught for years because they haven't had any children.
05:39She should have cleaned her freezer out a bit, morrow.
05:41So why did she not use her husband's sperm to get pregnant?
05:49She did.
05:50Well, you said she got pregnant with a turkey based on it.
05:54It's a little rubber.
05:55Oh, I thought it were a job turkey based on it.
05:59Yeah, because all the lesbians have them now, don't they?
06:05Do they?
06:05Oh, yeah, they were in paper.
06:06Did you not read it?
06:07They get the sperm off the internet.
06:15Bung it into a turkey based on it, like Dolly says.
06:17Nine months later, Bob's your uncle.
06:18That is your...
06:19And are they vegetarians, lesbians?
06:25Eh?
06:26I wondered if it went together like traffic wardens liking Nilsa Darker.
06:32Do you mean Humphrey Bogart?
06:35Oh, I love him.
06:36We've got him at home on a jigsaw.
06:40Have you never seen his films?
06:41No, we haven't even finished his raincoat yet.
06:44It's given me four bloomers here, that Norman.
06:50Doctor in the house, that's what Dirk Bogart was in.
06:52Twink.
06:53So, Dolly, this sperm,
06:55was she just clearing out the freezer
06:56and there it was under the Arctic rule?
06:59More or less, yes.
07:01Does Dirk Bogart come down some stairs
07:03on an aspicul trolley going on?
07:06No, that's Jim Dale.
07:11That's carry-on, nurse.
07:12Doctor in the house has got in with posh voice.
07:14Donald Sindan,
07:15they did that thing with that Welsh one
07:16from It Ain't Off Hot Mum.
07:17What do you mean, hot mum?
07:18Well, they're all sweaty.
07:19Yeah.
07:20Who's all sweaty?
07:21The soldiers in the jungle.
07:23They have little vests on.
07:24Little sweaty vests.
07:25Steady on, Brent.
07:27Can we have a calm, civilised atmosphere, please?
07:29Can we not pollute a food preparation area
07:31with talk of little sweaty vests?
07:33Tony,
07:34not only has Norman not given us our torpedoes,
07:37he's left us all these crusty bloomers.
07:40LAUGHTER
07:40Look,
07:45if we're not allowing sweaty vests into the conversation,
07:48we're certainly not dwelling on Norman's crusty bloomers.
07:51I'm trying to describe who Dirk Bogart is.
07:55Have you never seen Death in Venice?
07:56Is that the dwarf in the duffel car?
07:59No,
08:00that's not back in anger.
08:03LAUGHTER
08:03Come on, girls, shift it.
08:05Would this be a good moment
08:06to talk about Scottish country dancing?
08:09LAUGHTER
08:09No, it wouldn't.
08:13LAUGHTER
08:13Who the heck was that?
08:16Hello?
08:17Twink,
08:18is that toaster hot?
08:20It's only warm.
08:21Oh, slip,
08:21not again.
08:22Where's Stan?
08:22Anita?
08:23Are you nearly open?
08:24In a minute!
08:25I'm going off!
08:26Anita,
08:27is Stan outside?
08:28Outside?
08:29Yeah, you know,
08:29not inside.
08:31Where's the Stan who works here?
08:33Twink,
08:33is he doing his fins?
08:34Chuck a box at him.
08:36Hello!
08:37The toaster's on,
08:38Blank!
08:39OK.
08:40Just tell him to come up.
08:41Put a piece there,
08:42cos it is warm.
08:43Warm toast,
08:44it's like blooming...
08:45Warm salad.
08:46Oh, you can have warm salad.
08:48It's quite a she-she starter.
08:50Think of that for the wedding,
08:51Jean.
08:52With Keith's family,
08:53last bid wedding,
08:54his Auntie Dot ate a coaster.
08:56No.
08:57No.
08:57How is that?
08:59His Auntie Dot from Cockermouth
09:01ate a raffia drinks coaster.
09:03She thought it was a high-fibre biscuit.
09:12She had to be held back
09:13from moving down the table
09:14and buttering two more.
09:17Stand back.
09:18Emergency toaster maintenance
09:20coming through.
09:21Keep well clear, please.
09:22Can I order my toast now?
09:24I've got to fax Tokyo.
09:25Hang on.
09:27Ha.
09:28Got it.
09:29That's it.
09:30Coming to tent now.
09:31Get those shutters up.
09:33Let's feed the faces a full.
09:36Can I have 12 rounds of white, please?
09:39You can, actually, yeah.
09:40It's been a bit touching,
09:41uh, thingy-bob,
09:41but, yeah,
09:4212 rounds of white.
09:43Let's do it.
09:48Soup.
09:50No, it has to be cold,
09:51the first course.
09:53Smoke mackerel patty.
09:54What about me vegetarians?
09:56Melon.
09:56Melon balls.
09:58Daintier.
09:59Who's vegetarian on Keith's side?
10:01He's Auntie Margo.
10:03She won't eat anything with her face.
10:07She could have the melon balls.
10:09What?
10:10She won't eat anything with her face,
10:11but she'll eat someone with balls.
10:14Mum?
10:16No.
10:18Why?
10:19Judy can't wear a sash.
10:26Have you seen these sex tuplets in the paper?
10:29She actually chose to have six babies.
10:32It's technology gone mad.
10:34Yeah, but it's handy, though, isn't it?
10:36Like if you wanted to have the Nolan sisters in a hurry.
10:40Cos that poor woman,
10:41Mrs Nolan, I suppose,
10:43she must have been giving birth for years
10:44before she got any decent ironies up and running.
10:48I like the Nolan sisters.
10:49They were a nice mixture.
10:51Yeah, they were, weren't they?
10:52Cos some of them were really good looking
10:53and some of them were a bit potato-faced,
10:55you know.
10:58Well, how many babies have I got?
11:00I haven't got any.
11:02Oh, Anita.
11:05Did he come with those carrots?
11:07No.
11:08That veg man.
11:08I bet he's having sex somewhere.
11:11The veg man?
11:13Of course he is.
11:13You only have to look at him.
11:14Don't want to look at him.
11:15You don't need to look at him.
11:17You can smell his overall
11:18five minutes before he comes in.
11:20We should get him a deodorant.
11:22He's got a flat head.
11:24We could stick an air freshener on it.
11:26Can't we?
11:27Stick it on his head.
11:27Come here.
11:28Whack.
11:31Blimey, O'Reilly.
11:32What are them, Jean?
11:33That's a plunge.
11:34That's a super plunge.
11:35And that's an anyway halter.
11:37And what's that?
11:38That.
11:38That's a padded balcony.
11:40And is this for anything?
11:41The wedding?
11:42No.
11:43Baffled.
11:43Lost in the land of no-speaky lady talk.
11:46I have to organise my daughter's wedding.
11:48I knew that.
11:49And obviously go to it.
11:50But, oh, yes.
11:51In an outfit.
11:52And again, yes.
11:53So I have to have a new bra.
11:55No.
11:55Four faults for a refusal.
11:56He's turning round.
12:01He's having another go.
12:03Why, Jean?
12:04Who's going to see it?
12:05Well, nobody's going to see it.
12:07Take me on, Brent.
12:08Show me how a woman's mind works.
12:11And what is that?
12:13That's the double D strapless push-up.
12:17No.
12:18I'm going to have to go and sit down and order some brown sauce.
12:20Do you want to get a thong, Jean?
12:25Where does the back bit go?
12:26That's what you're bumming to.
12:27Oh, honestly.
12:29Toast those buns in our versatile floral thong.
12:33Buns as in tea cakes?
12:35No.
12:36Like that exercise video.
12:38Buns of steel.
12:39Oh, I'm doing the sequel to that.
12:41Buns of lard.
12:42Oh, gosh.
12:46That reminds me.
12:47I must get some new knickers.
12:48Hello.
12:49Not that you need to know about my underwear situation.
12:51No.
12:53I'm Philippa Moorcroft.
12:55Flipper.
12:55He's a whale, ain't he?
12:57Sorry?
13:00Oh, yes.
13:01No.
13:02Not like the whale.
13:03Philippa.
13:04Is he not a dolphin?
13:05Flipper.
13:09Skippy was the bush kangaroo.
13:12Free Willy was a whale.
13:17Did you ever see that?
13:19Tell you what was brilliant.
13:19In the cinema, they showed you the whole story in the trailer.
13:22He didn't have to bother going.
13:25Sorry?
13:25No.
13:26Yes.
13:27I'm, uh...
13:28Gosh.
13:28I never know whether to say what it used to be or what it is now.
13:31It's...
13:32It was personnel.
13:33And now it's human resources.
13:35And here I am.
13:36This is what I look like.
13:40Anyway, I'm not just here for problems.
13:42Though, obviously, feel free.
13:44But I really want to bring a new slant to the whole work thing.
13:47I mean, why not Scottish country dancing?
13:52Beautifully clean floor, Stan.
13:54Lovely.
13:55I see what I'm missing as I sit in my office with my salad sarnie.
13:59When was this?
14:00Well, I was just talking generally, but on Friday I think it was a salad sandwich.
14:04Plain salad?
14:05Yes.
14:06We do ham salad, cheese salad, egg salad.
14:08We don't do plain salad.
14:10No.
14:10I brought it from home.
14:11I made it myself.
14:13You'd made it yourself?
14:15All right, Stan.
14:16Oh, Cramps, was that wrong?
14:17No, that wasn't wrong.
14:18It's worse than wrong.
14:19All right, Stan.
14:19It's just that we normally do make all the sandwiches.
14:21You're coming.
14:22Yeah, hang on, Stan.
14:23I mean, sometimes people do bring their own.
14:27You know, if they've got a gluten-type thingy-bob.
14:30Or cystitis.
14:31When that went round the top floor, they were all coming in with cranberries.
14:37Do you know what I mean?
14:38Oi!
14:39This is the cookhouse.
14:41This is the heart of the factory.
14:44My dad was a desert rat.
14:46His life was saved by a mess tin.
14:48He had it over his face, licking a bit of mince.
14:52Sniper's Bullet could have had his jaw off.
14:54He's had a marvellous life.
14:56He's been married twice, taught himself the ukulele.
14:58And you bring your sandwiches to work.
15:03Unbelievable.
15:05He don't mean it.
15:07It's since they put Pam Ayres on the radio instead of Charlie Chester.
15:15And I wanted trailing greenery for the reception, but Keith's anti-Ivy.
15:20I didn't know Keith had an anti-Ivy.
15:23Did I say about the extra tea for the fourth floor?
15:26Yeah.
15:26Yeah, I did, didn't I?
15:27OK, then.
15:28See you later.
15:29I don't know how long I'm going to be, OK?
15:31No, that's fine.
15:31I hope it's not too good luck, anyway.
15:34I'll need it.
15:34There's only one woman's realm in that waiting room, and I'm having it.
15:38No, good luck, though.
15:39Cheers.
15:40We still can't agree about the music.
15:44Bren?
15:44Your mother.
15:46Bren.
15:46Are you on your own?
15:48Yeah, I'm just with Jean.
15:52No, that's fine, darling.
15:54I'm just needing to go a bit cautious, love.
15:56Have you got any of that disinfectant spray?
15:58Oh, I'll get it.
15:59Hello, Jean, love.
16:01I just need a little morsel, my darling, and could have a cloth, love.
16:05How are you keeping Jean?
16:06Gorgeous shade on your hair, by the way.
16:08Well, it's this wedding.
16:10Oh, and don't I empathise.
16:12They stress you out big time.
16:14Oh, that's it.
16:16I've had to organise one on Honolulu Island for one of the West Indian cricketers,
16:20and by God, it was a fantastic success.
16:24But I lost all the feeling down my left-hand side from the strain.
16:28That's not it.
16:29Bren, next time you're at the supermarket, love,
16:31can you pop this into one of the wheelie bins round the back?
16:34It mustn't go in a litter bin, love.
16:35No-one must see it, sweetheart.
16:37Why? It's not stolen, is it?
16:38No, I've given up that keeper.
16:41My days of receiving stolen property to do the boxing fraternity a favour are well gone.
16:47Can't remember what I was going to say.
16:48Anyway, the phone, lovey.
16:50Just need to get rid.
16:52But never mind me.
16:54Wedding.
16:56I'm just trying to think what to do for the music.
16:58Oh, well, I used to know a fantastic keyboards player.
17:02Really talented, lovely-looking, like a black Frankie Vaughan.
17:06The world's flocking.
17:08Have beautiful slacks.
17:09Tailored specially.
17:11But like a lot of very well-dressed people, he was gay.
17:15Anyway.
17:17He's in Guernsey now.
17:20Strictly speaking, I can't set foot on the Channel Islands.
17:23Or maybe just someone at the piano.
17:25Richard Klederman.
17:26Yeah, that type of...
17:27I can get him.
17:28Do you want him?
17:31Oh, no, no, forget it.
17:32He's got a dog.
17:36He will travel nowhere without this damn dog.
17:40Mind you, it's a gorgeous pooch.
17:43Shiatsu.
17:44He tried to give me one once.
17:45I said...
17:46Ricky, I love you, sweetheart.
17:49But my lifestyle and a dog's lifestyle pulls apart.
17:55So, you see, you can't just fly over here, Jean.
17:58Because of Sheba.
17:59I've had him in tears from Zurich Airport.
18:01Saying, I can't get on the plane, Bejula.
18:04I cannot leave Sheba.
18:06I say...
18:07Ricky, it's fine.
18:11Just go home.
18:12Have a Gloovine.
18:14Put one of your own records on.
18:15I can say that to him.
18:18Oh, we'll sort it out.
18:20Jean, I'm helping.
18:22Don't forget, I was in Beirut with Mandy Rice-Davies.
18:25I understand entertainment.
18:26Now, this girl is a fabulous entertainer.
18:32Now, ignore that.
18:36Ignore the drawing.
18:37She had these cards done on the motorway.
18:40She must have pressed the wrong button.
18:43But, you see, as well as the stripping,
18:45she plays the accordion.
18:46Oh, I like the accordion.
18:49So, is she just like a normal type of accordionist?
18:52She's lovely.
18:53Very modest to look at, actually.
18:56Peter Pan collars.
18:57She knows all the lovely old tunes.
18:59Agadu.
19:00Coconut Airways.
19:04Shaft.
19:07So, what shall we do, then?
19:08Shall we call her?
19:09Shall we take this card?
19:10No, I'd better hang on to that.
19:11I'll call her for you.
19:12Sometimes you get quite rough people
19:14answering these phones.
19:15Yeah, but you might not remember to do it, Mum.
19:17Don't break my heart, Bren.
19:19Let me help.
19:21I'll be back in Romania tomorrow
19:22up an orphanage ladder with an emotion brush.
19:26Let me do this for...
19:28What's your daughter's name?
19:30Lisa.
19:31There you are.
19:33The little baby they wouldn't let me adopt.
19:35Little Lisa Louise.
19:36I said, what sort of future
19:38is she going to have here?
19:39You've not a bottle in the place.
19:42They just stamped adoption refused
19:44on the papers.
19:45I said, you're stamping those letters
19:47on my heart.
19:49Let me do this for all our babies.
19:53Bren, can you let me have a couple of sausages
19:55out your deep, friends?
19:56Dolly, we need one more platter-day for the top floor.
20:04They're having a think tank.
20:05Oh, nobody's brought me those brown rolls yet.
20:07Where's Norman?
20:08Where's Anita?
20:09She's gone for counselling with that Philippa woman.
20:11She was upset.
20:11She was upset.
20:12That coleslaw was diabolical.
20:14Tony, can I use the phone?
20:16No.
20:16Oh, it's about the bridesmaid's knickers.
20:18Oh, go on then.
20:20Two fives to dial out.
20:22Shutters going up two minutes.
20:23She was upset about the sex tuplets.
20:25She's getting a period.
20:27I've heard it all before, Bren.
20:28No need to call it a pinyon.
20:32Has Norman not brought them rolls, Dolly?
20:34Oh, he wouldn't come up the stairs.
20:35He had a panic attack coming.
20:37He was going to sit in his van as a precaution.
20:39A precaution against doing any bloody work.
20:42Stan, nip down and see if there's any brown rolls
20:44down by the bins, will you?
20:46Norman's flipped again.
20:47Roger Wilco.
20:49What did you say about sex tuplets?
20:51Anita, I left her a message.
20:53Plain white, high waist, low leg.
20:55Sex tuplets.
20:57Blidesmaid's knickers.
21:00Just left.
21:01Anybody could have had them.
21:02Then what?
21:03Stealing mopeds.
21:04Hitting women in their own homes with golf trophies.
21:07Norman was having a panic attack, Stan.
21:10Ten years ago, nobody had heard of panic attacks.
21:12And if they had, bloody bread men didn't have them.
21:15Shutters going up!
21:18Bread men had varicose veins and fags behind their ears.
21:21What's the soup?
21:22On the menu, it just says soup.
21:25Twain, what's the soup?
21:27Minestrone.
21:27Why don't you put it on menu?
21:28Can't spell it.
21:31Excuse me.
21:32Sorry.
21:33Sorry.
21:34Mum?
21:35I've just left you a message.
21:37Well, I'm not there, am I?
21:39Well, they won't do.
21:40There's an old gravy.
21:44Who's on gravy?
21:46Anita.
21:46Anita.
21:47You carry on, mate.
21:47I'll bring some over, OK?
21:49Can you tell me which one Jean is, please?
21:51Jean!
21:52Hello.
21:54You looking for entertainment for your wedding?
21:56Oh, yeah.
22:00I do.
22:01Bride, policewoman, traffic warden, gladiator and gypsy, Rosalie.
22:04I can't be touched.
22:05I won't sit on laps and I won't mingle.
22:11But do you play the accordion?
22:13No.
22:13The only strip.
22:15Well, you could see what a liability that would be naked.
22:17Could chop a nipple.
22:18Is that what you wanted in a accordionist?
22:21Yeah.
22:23Right.
22:24I'll phone my granddaddy, please.
22:26Bye.
22:29Who was that, Jean?
22:30And can she make gravy?
22:31A stripper.
22:33She'll never have needed to, then.
22:35Julie, I want you.
22:36I want you.
22:37Where's Anita?
22:38She's lying down.
22:39It's dinner time.
22:39I'm a bod short now.
22:41I didn't think she'd be able to concentrate.
22:42She doesn't need to concentrate.
22:44Someone says a pie, you give them a pie.
22:46I don't know who could concentrate and go barmy.
22:51I really think you should be sensitive to a woman's hormonal ebb and flow.
22:57I am, believe me.
22:58Look, I'm not a dinosaur.
23:00I quite like women in a sad, baffled sort of way.
23:03But can we please get a grip?
23:05Out of a workforce of five, at any given moment,
23:08one will have premenstrual tension,
23:09one's panicking because she's not,
23:11someone's having a hot flush,
23:12and someone else is having a nervous breakdown
23:14because her HRT patch has fallen in the minestrone.
23:16That was a one-off.
23:28I mean,
23:29as much as I love working in a woman's support group,
23:32the cold fact is,
23:33this is a bloody canteen.
23:35Have you ever thought of Scottish country dancing?
23:36Is this a work-related gathering, can I just ask?
23:46It's a melting pot, Stan.
23:47We're just going to toss ideas into the pot.
23:49It's a toss pot.
23:54So what I'll do very quickly is just free-fall, if I may.
23:57These are just fun things I've tried in other places I've worked.
24:01Feng Shui.
24:03Moving things around.
24:05You're not moving that toaster?
24:07No, that's probably not very appropriate.
24:09You'll move me first.
24:11Oh, leave it, Stan.
24:12Thanks, Maureen.
24:14Reflexology.
24:14My dad was a desert rat.
24:16He shaved in sand.
24:17That toaster stays put.
24:20Scottish country dancing.
24:22I think I've mentioned that.
24:23Exploring female sexuality.
24:26I don't think Stan needs to hear about that.
24:29I didn't think I looked like a Maureen.
24:32You can't shock me.
24:34I was once employed in the biggest brothel in Aslington.
24:37Doing what?
24:38The rewiring.
24:40What was it like?
24:41Well, it was very tricky, actually,
24:43because there were so many wall lights.
24:46They think now that pressure at work can affect your sex life.
24:49They did a questionnaire.
24:50Are you too busy to have an orgasm?
24:53Orgasm.
24:54I haven't blown me nose since Wednesday.
25:03Oh, one fun thing we did.
25:05Dressing to reflect the local ethnic communities.
25:08Eh?
25:08Well, I mean, I don't mind what I wear.
25:11I think when you're slim, you can carry off a number of styles.
25:15I think we should ask somebody with bigger hips.
25:18Jean.
25:20You wouldn't want to wear a sari for work.
25:24What are they playing at now?
25:26Is this for your benefit, Anita?
25:28My benefit?
25:29Now, I try and keep an open mind.
25:32I was first in the queue with frozen pies, for example.
25:35But I can't honestly say
25:36I would want to do heavy lifting,
25:39checking and maintenance of bisexual ablutions in a sari.
25:43Hang on.
25:44We seem to have gone a little bit astray here.
25:46Well, you certainly have if you think some of us are called Maury.
25:49How about if we all learn to massage each other?
25:53It's marvellous.
25:54We used to do it in one of our offices.
25:56Basically, you sit round in a circle
25:57and massage the neck and shoulders of the person in front of you.
26:00Yes, but suppose you haven't got somebody in front of you.
26:04Everyone will have someone in front of them.
26:06How?
26:07Because we'll all be in a circle.
26:08Oh, I thought you said we'd all be in an office.
26:10This would be through your overall.
26:16Oh, yes.
26:17So we wouldn't be naked.
26:19Oh, no.
26:21Because some of our appliances spit fat.
26:27Hey, they shouldn't do.
26:34Give it time, Flit.
26:36How much time?
26:37I've been to every person in this factory
26:39and all I get is blank looks.
26:40Oh, I don't know.
26:41Oh, we'll have to think about it.
26:43I sold my flat to come and be with you, Mikey,
26:45and I'm beginning to feel like I've been an absolute nitwit.
26:47They were queuing up in Banster to make candles.
26:50I'll be a bit later.
26:51Is that all right?
26:51Then you might have told me you didn't have a washing machine.
26:54So, now we know.
27:02You all right, Jean?
27:03Hey.
27:04I'm just having a gloomy-do about this wedding.
27:06It doesn't feel right somewhere along the line.
27:09Hey, it's going to be fantastic.
27:10What are you talking about?
27:11You've done your flowers, you've got your hat,
27:13you've tracked down them vegetarian slingbacks for Keith's anti-Margot.
27:17You've done great.
27:18Flipping heck, Jean.
27:18You've done fantastic.
27:20Thanks, Brent.
27:20I appreciate that.
27:22No problems.
27:23I don't know who thinks they cleaned this spatula.
27:25Give it us back, then.
27:27Hello.
27:28Is this a good time?
27:30I'm Carly's grandad.
27:31Is it for dancing?
27:33For the wedding.
27:34Thought I'd give you a bit of a demo.
27:36Oh.
27:37I just need Stan.
27:38There's a car blocking the gates.
27:39Stan?
27:40Yeah.
27:40Let's do that.
27:43You've done it.
27:44You've actually organised it yourselves.
27:47That's fantastic.
27:49I can't tell you what this has done for me.
27:52I absolutely can't tell you.
27:53I can't stop.
28:02I'm blocking the gates.
28:03Can you tell me, Mum, we got married this morning?
28:06She'll take it better from you.
28:08We couldn't face it, big wedding teller.
28:10And teller, I'll call her.
28:12Do you mind?
28:13Bye.
28:13Sorry.
28:14You tell her.
28:15I feel 20 years younger now, this is sorted.
28:24Thanks for what you said.
28:25Are you having a dance?
28:27Yeah.
28:28I feel 20 years younger now, this is what you said.
28:58I feel 20 years younger now.
29:16.
29:19.
29:21.
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