- 1 day ago
S1.E4 ∙ The Tony Awards
Sun, Mar 21, 1993
It's April and the weather has turned nice but the Mayles still have their uninvited house guest, the boorish Tony. Annie puts her foot down and says it's either Tony or her. When Tony says he will be leaving if he doesn't buy a property soon Peter offers to be his interpreter and ensures that none of the properties they visit are suitable. Things begin to fall into place when Mr. Colombani shows up to start work on the central heating as do the plasterer and the pool man.
Sun, Mar 21, 1993
It's April and the weather has turned nice but the Mayles still have their uninvited house guest, the boorish Tony. Annie puts her foot down and says it's either Tony or her. When Tony says he will be leaving if he doesn't buy a property soon Peter offers to be his interpreter and ensures that none of the properties they visit are suitable. Things begin to fall into place when Mr. Colombani shows up to start work on the central heating as do the plasterer and the pool man.
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FunTranscript
00:00Thank you for listening.
00:30Thank you for listening.
01:00Thank you for listening.
01:30Good morning, male hotel.
01:37Harry!
01:39Harry Bryden!
01:42Harry, a very old friend who was not exactly on the crest of a financial wave, had a request.
01:48He had an important potential client, Trevelyan, who had a French wife who loved truffles more than she loved Trevelyan.
01:55To clinch the deal, he promised Trevelyan truffles.
01:59So, do me a favour, Peter.
02:01I must have two kilos by Monday.
02:05Annie!
02:06What exactly is a truffle?
02:10Truffle.
02:12Tuber melanosporum.
02:16The world's most expensive mushroom.
02:18Amedeay.
02:25Amedeay!
02:28Bonjour, Amedeay.
02:30Uh, il y a quelques shows I very much want to know.
02:35Uh, truffles, um, les truffes...
02:39Les truffes.
02:41J'en ai pas moi des truffes.
02:43Oh, no, no, Amedeay.
02:45But, but I need some information.
02:48I need truffles, and I need them fast, and maintenant.
02:52So, where?
02:54Ooh.
02:56Ça, moi...
02:57There's something else on your mind, Amedeay.
03:01Vous aimez les melons, Monsieur Melon?
03:03Yes, we are quite partial to melons, yes.
03:06But why do you want to know about our taste in fruit?
03:08Pour y blamter autre chose, hein?
03:10He says we could plant something else.
03:12What?
03:14Quoi?
03:15Une vigne?
03:17Vines?
03:20What do you think, Annie?
03:22Can't make booze from melons.
03:25Hmm.
03:26Yeah, okay, Amedeay, yeah, you're on.
03:29Yeah, les melons?
03:31Now, mais, uh, what about les truffes?
03:36Vous pouvez toujours essayer le café de la poste à Beaunieu.
03:39Demander Fernand, de ma part.
03:44Who is Fernand?
03:46Ben, dis-leur.
03:47So, that's what was in those bags.
03:59The post-bar is a truffle den.
04:02Deux blancs secs.
04:05Fernand.
04:07Je veux voir Fernand.
04:09Amedeay sent me.
04:10This way.
04:37Those are the loups.
04:39Live dangerously, Annie.
04:48Après, vous ne me connaissiez pas, hein?
04:51Never seen you in my life.
04:54Combien voulez-vous?
04:56Deux kilos.
04:58C'est tard dans la saison.
04:59Never mind it being late in the season.
05:01Let's see the goods.
05:05Regardez.
05:10Bon, eh?
05:11Yes, it's, uh, certainly very, uh, truffly.
05:14Oui.
05:14Je n'ai un demi-kilo, mille francs.
05:21A hundred pounds a pound?
05:23Pas cher.
05:24Cheap at the price.
05:26Junkies are in no position to haggle.
05:31Cash, darling.
05:33En liquide.
05:36Elle est marante, la petite, hein?
05:38I believe Fernand is suggesting yet another method of payment, darling.
05:42Let's split before the cops come.
05:48Why is it all so hush-hush?
05:51Otherwise, they'd have to pay tax.
05:54You wouldn't believe it, would you?
05:56I spent 20 years in the Inland Revenue.
05:58Now look at me.
05:59Doing illegal deals in the gents to bail out Harry.
06:03I trust we finish with them now.
06:06Of course we haven't finished with truffles.
06:09Harry needs two kilos.
06:10We've only got a pound.
06:12And are Harry's truffles really that important?
06:16Put it like this.
06:19If we've decided to live this way,
06:21and not to live the way we used to live,
06:24then things like truffles and friendship
06:28can once again be foregrounded.
06:33Harry's truffles suddenly fill my horizon.
06:41Oh!
06:43Well done, Fierro!
06:47Lovely table, solid!
06:49About 400 kilos.
06:51Why did he put it here?
06:53Well, because he couldn't get it in.
06:54Nor can we!
06:56So how do we move the stone?
06:57Well, you wait for the workman.
06:59Well, for a miracle, which would be the same thing.
07:03The more we advance, the more we go backwards.
07:06The kitchen's a wreck.
07:07Now we can't get into the courtyard.
07:09Wonderful!
07:10Welcome to the south of France.
07:13Normalement, normalement.
07:14Well, the south is beginning to get up my nose.
07:18I wouldn't get away with it in Blackburn.
07:20Have you ever been to Blackburn?
07:21I've had enough, and I'm going to see her.
07:24See who?
07:25Madame Hermonville, the Parisian.
07:27The woman who Marcel said nicked our workman.
07:30Well, we're going to get them back.
07:31You can't just muscle in!
07:34Watch me.
07:44Red-handed.
07:45Red-handed.
07:46Red-handed.
07:51Red-handed.
08:21Red-handed.
08:21Red-handed.
08:23Red-handed.
08:23We are English.
08:25English?
08:27It is so nice of you to pop in, but of course English are so lovely.
08:31I did have myself an English darling, Miss Smith, from Worthing, so I do much appreciate.
08:39What language is she speaking, Annie?
08:42English darling.
08:43Tell the children to bring the flute.
08:48Is there anything I can do to help you?
08:51Yes, there is, actually.
08:52Yes, well, we wanted to ask you about truffles.
08:57Truffles?
08:57No, we didn't.
08:59We came to see you about the builders.
09:00Oh, yes, I am so sorry about the builders.
09:06Maria, tell you to cut this radio.
09:08It's so incredible.
09:11Walk men are so vulgar.
09:13We are doing a little conversion.
09:16Everyone, of course, wants to come here to the Luberon.
09:19It is so chic.
09:20You know the Hubert de Montfort, of course.
09:23He said to me, Evelyne, this valley has such class.
09:27I just love Hubert.
09:30He come for the hunt.
09:31You heard, of course.
09:33Only truffles.
09:34And masons.
09:36We shinked masons.
09:37Do you think I might go to the Lu?
09:40The Lu?
09:42How I love to see the Lu.
09:44Such a long time since I see the Lu.
09:48The Lu.
09:49We're so chic.
09:50Ah, I just so love the English.
09:54Montrez le Lu, à madame.
10:00She's only Portuguese.
10:02Poor thing.
10:03So you just love truffles, Mr. Mel.
10:06And you're not your boy.
10:08And I know why.
10:09Because at Eaton, and I just know you were at Eaton College.
10:12I can tell there were no sweeties in the tech shop, what there?
10:15So...
10:16Eat chocolate truffles.
10:23Please, go on.
10:25Ah, here they come.
10:30Sébastien, Octave, Marie-Ange, Antonin, and Benedict.
10:34I so hope they will have the good educations that only the English can have.
10:40Oh, really?
10:41Un peu de travail?
10:42And what about ma cuisine?
10:45Info finis.
10:46Play Mr. Mel something to remind him of all.
10:50Oh, yes.
10:52Tomorrow?
10:54You know?
10:54The men.
10:55Can you go and do the men?
10:57Oh, yes.
10:57Have I heard that before?
10:59I know.
10:59Could it...
10:59Thank you for receiving us so graciously.
11:05You must pop in another time.
11:07It is so nice to practice my English.
11:10I know.
11:11You can give me English lessons, and I will give you truffles.
11:16The big cock.
11:18I'm sorry?
11:20Oh, the big cock.
11:22The only problem with this lovely darling arse is the big cock.
11:26The only problem with this lovely arse is the big cock.
11:31Bloody cock of the bloody neighbor.
11:33Day in, day out, he drive us smart since we buy the arse, the cock.
11:37Well, we're really terribly sorry to hear that, Mrs. H.
11:41We really are.
11:43Tell you what, we could maybe pop in on the way home and ask him to turn the volume down.
11:50Bye.
11:52Let's get the hell out of here, Annie.
11:55Bye.
12:00You English.
12:01Thanks, Sophie.
12:03I love that.
12:05Truffles.
12:10She fancies you.
12:12Oh, heaven forbid.
12:13I'd prefer Fernand.
12:16A noble pichon.
12:18I heard.
12:20They're coming back Thursday.
12:22Normalement.
12:23For certain.
12:24You're wonderful.
12:29Thanks.
12:31Trust those.
12:47Darling.
12:47Pig?
12:48Hmm?
12:53Pig?
12:56Fox.
12:57Fox.
13:06Ah.
13:07Really?
13:08Hey!
13:09What a surprise!
13:11How are you doing?
13:14It's okay.
13:16So?
13:17So what?
13:19Have you found it?
13:22Have I found who?
13:24The Englishman.
13:26What Englishman?
13:28Near the house.
13:31It all fell into place.
13:33The fox wasn't a present.
13:35It was a bond.
13:37He'd supply us with dead animals.
13:39We'd find him an English millionaire to buy his house.
13:43It does have, um...
13:46Yes, a certain bucolic charm.
13:51De Salmedia.
13:54Two hundred thousand pounds?
13:57Why not?
13:58Anything goes, Antoine, anything.
14:01You could always throw in the odd dead bat.
14:04Hello.
14:06You leave it to me, Antoine.
14:08Leave it to me.
14:09But, er...
14:11In the meantime...
14:13There is an petty service I would like to ask of you.
14:19Just telling me.
14:20Someone will already take you from one of your fingers,
14:21That you are right!
14:22Be funny...
14:23I can't tell you.
14:23I'm ready for this thing...
14:24That you would like to ask of me...
14:25...a hand you walk.
14:26A lace
14:43Camouflage.
15:01Mon cousin.
15:03Your cousin.
15:05How did it?
15:07Coulomb.
15:09Serge.
15:11Nothing in the world tastes like a truffle apart from another truffle.
15:17But there's a problem.
15:19You can't grow them like mushrooms.
15:21You've got to find them.
15:23And finding them isn't easy.
15:25And that's why they cost more than caviar.
15:27They tend to grow a couple of inches underground.
15:31For instance, on the roots of oak trees.
15:33But which oak trees?
15:35Serge had his own method.
15:37He was the lord of the flies.
15:41This particular fly is a bit bent.
15:53Its scene is laying its eggs on the truffles.
15:55A dirty habit which doubtless adds to the taste.
15:59If you can find the fly, you've found the landing strip.
16:02And made a mint.
16:16Heaven.
16:18Fernorn must have been right.
16:20It was late in the season.
16:22We didn't find many.
16:24Fortunately, Serge could provide a top-up from his private reserve.
16:32And that's it.
16:34A 16, sir.
16:41Here.
16:42That cock.
16:43Do you have a neighbour, Serge?
16:45A Parisian?
16:46A voisine?
16:47Oh, yes.
16:48You have the same problem.
16:50The bloody cock.
16:53No.
16:54No, no.
16:55That's not a problem.
16:58It's my cock.
17:04He's called Charlemagne.
17:06He never stops it.
17:08He's called Charlemagne.
17:09He's called Charlemagne.
17:15Where the hell have you been?
17:17Shopping.
17:19I don't want to know.
17:20I've made a plan.
17:21Look.
17:24They start work again next Thursday.
17:26If they don't, we're sunk for the winter, so they've got to.
17:30There must be peace on the mason.
17:33Hello?
17:38I'll pass it to you.
17:42Hello?
17:44This was worrying.
17:46The man on the other end of the line just wanted to be known as Alain.
17:50Plain Alain.
17:52That was his norm de truth.
17:55On the phone, we couldn't discuss, but he must see me.
17:59He'd heard from Amaday about the things.
18:02I was to come and see him immediately, and I was to bring the things with me.
18:08I felt exposed.
18:10This was dangerous.
18:12Here I was, waiting for a man I didn't know, with 400 quid's worth of black warts in my bag.
18:18And in the back of my mind, there was a nagging worry.
18:21Why did Call Me Allah want to see them?
18:23Was there something wrong with my truffles?
18:28Two kilos in march.
18:30I've got them with me.
18:34Why not?
18:36For so many marches later.
18:39You don't think...
18:41We shall see what we shall see.
18:42We shall see.
19:07The truffle lab.
19:08Oh.
19:10Oh.
19:12Oh.
19:13Oh.
19:15Oh.
19:17Lead shot.
19:19Buck shot.
19:21Added to the mud to add to the weight.
19:24Who did that?
19:26You have two sources. It's difficult to tell.
19:28Right.
19:30Attention.
19:31Oh.
19:33Oh.
19:34Oh.
19:35Mazette.
19:36Is it bad?
19:37Not bad.
19:39Italian.
19:41They buy Italian white truffles and they stand them with worn tie.
19:46So.
19:48These are good.
19:49These for the tourists.
19:52This is a big business, Mr. Mail.
19:55Next time, trade carefully.
19:56I don't think they're gonna get away with it, Anna.
19:58Not with me.
20:01The thing is, I still need more.
20:04All right.
20:06Ready for adventure, Mr. Mailer?
20:09The mysterious Anna was a banker by trade, but off-duty, it seems, he was the godfather of the Luberon truffle scene.
20:16Camouflage.
20:17Ha, you know the ropes.
20:18So, open the trailer.
20:20There's someone in there.
20:21I'll present you Piggy.
20:23A pig.
20:25Pig are best.
20:26Pig have this great sense of smell.
20:27Hold it.
20:28Hold it.
20:30You mean...
20:32If I heard a pig...
20:34…in my vines at night...
20:35Maybe a truffle hunter.
20:36Yes.
20:37Maybe a truffle hunter.
20:40Maybe after my truffles.
20:42Piggy!
20:56Piggy!
20:57Piggy!
20:58Piggy!
20:59Piggy!
21:00Oh, the pig, the smell is sexual.
21:03Sexual.
21:04Come on, Piggy.
21:05Give him two more pigs.
21:10Come on, Piggy.
21:15Come on, Piggy.
21:19Here.
21:20Well done, little pig.
21:25Alan, take a picture.
21:26Yeah.
21:27Take a photo.
21:28Harry will never believe this.
21:30Piggy!
21:31Piggy!
21:32Piggy!
21:33Piggy!
21:34Piggy!
21:35Piggy!
21:36Piggy!
21:37Piggy!
21:38Piggy!
21:39Piggy!
21:40Piggy!
21:41Piggy!
21:42Get your camera.
21:43Get your camera ready.
21:45Piggy!
21:46Come here!
21:49Come here!
21:50You don't need some pigs, sir!
21:55Addie, I've got them.
22:04Two kilos.
22:06I can smell.
22:11Thursday.
22:25No one.
22:37What else can you do?
22:39They're never, ever going to come.
22:42I'm sick of this wreck of a house.
22:46I'm sick of the foreign language.
22:47I'm sick of the rain.
22:49I want real cheese, sliced bread and Tesco.
22:56If I stay in this room any longer, I'm even going to end up missing my job.
23:00I dream of decisions, getting things done.
23:09Pathetic.
23:15Annie, I've got an idea.
23:20If the smell of one truffle in an egg box will permeate a dozen eggs,
23:24a hundred and forty-two in a cloth bag will have the same effect on an airport.
23:28For God's sake, quick, the dogs!
23:30And to make matters worse, that day the Heathrow Sniffers were out in force.
23:39Home.
23:44Truffles, you say?
23:45That's right.
23:46How long have they been dead, Guff?
23:58Nah, I'll stay here, thank you.
24:00Wouldn't catch me in the south of France.
24:02Too expensive, I can tell you.
24:03That'll be thirty-two quick, love.
24:05How much?
24:07Thirty-two.
24:08You've been away a long time, have you?
24:09We've had inflation since.
24:12Nice bag.
24:14It's Harry's.
24:15Thanks.
24:24Pizza?
24:25You didn't tell me.
24:27No, it was Harry's idea.
24:28A little surprise party.
24:29Everyone was there.
24:41Everyone we could ever hope to have seen.
24:43Crammed into four elegant rooms.
24:46Shea Harry.
24:46Honestly, Annie, you were so clever to get out.
24:53Nothing's happened.
24:54Nothing at all.
24:55Brown is just the same, sitting on everything.
24:57You filed reports, it's like throwing darts at a sponge.
25:01Do you know, sometimes you're so brown.
25:03It's the weather, of course.
25:04Every day I look in the telegraph.
25:06I do.
25:07For Marseille, I see sun in 22.
25:09Oh, my aunt.
25:10I'm a stupid tourist.
25:11Ladies and gentlemen, this man has saved my life.
25:34This smell, which you are presently smelling, and which is being exuded by just one truffle,
25:40will guarantee my future for months to come.
25:44Mail is loyal.
25:45He worked with flies.
25:47He wrestled with pigs.
25:49From now on and forever, our friendship will smell of this.
25:54I drink to Peter Truffle Mail.
25:57Hang on.
26:24Hang on.
26:27Feet not used to concrete.
26:42You enjoyed the party?
26:45It was great.
26:47Apart from the Bulgarian sangria.
26:53We should have brought them all with us.
26:55They'd have loved it here.
26:56Colin Barney, Mamaday, Huguette, Riviere.
27:02He'd have felt really at home.
27:04The temp smells of fox stew.
27:05You know something?
27:18For the first time, I have an odd feeling.
27:25We don't live here anymore, do we?
27:27You know what I'd like?
27:34Back to Harry's.
27:37Bath.
27:40Prawn Vindaloo.
27:44Home.
27:49Home.
27:49Home.
27:49Home.
27:49Home.
27:50Home.
27:50Home.
27:50Home.
27:50Home.
27:51Home.
27:53Home.
27:54Home.
27:54Home.
27:55Home.
27:56Home.
27:57Home.
27:57Home.
27:58Home.
27:58Home.
27:59Home.
27:59Home.
28:00Home.
28:00Home.
28:01Home.
28:01Home.
28:02Home.
28:02Home.
28:03Home.
28:03Home.
28:04Home.
28:04Home.
28:05Home.
28:06Home.
28:06Home.
28:07Home.
28:08Home.
28:09Home.
28:10Home.
28:11Home.
28:12Home.
28:13Home.
28:14Home.
28:15Home.
28:16Home.
28:17Home.
28:18Home.
28:19Home.
28:20Home.
28:21Home.
28:22Home.
28:23Home.
28:24Home.
28:25Home.
28:25Home.
28:26The builders had come, and our kitchen was on the way to looking like a kitchen again.
28:33And Amadei, Bouguette and Emile had even started to plant the vines where the melons used to be.
28:39We stood in the evening field with a glass of cot de rhone, tasting the nearest bliss you can get.
28:49England was great. This was heaven.
28:56Peter?
29:08Riviere again.
29:26Hello, old man.
29:33Hello.
29:35These dogs not got rabies, I hope.
29:38I've been trying to ring. Couldn't get through. Must be the bloody frog phones.
29:45You wouldn't mind any chance to have a cup of coffee. Got a night flight out. Terrible service. And I just must make a quick call if you can get it working.
29:54Tony Havens. Friend of Gordon's.
29:57Gordon, friend of Harry's.
29:59I was at the party.
30:01Oh, lovely place you've got here. Charmant, charmant.
30:05I've left my bag at the door. I trust no light-fingered frog has uplifted it.
30:08Well, we'll just go take a shuff thing. It's beautiful countryside, old man. Beautiful. I feel a new man already.
30:17I hope you've got all of a few more.
30:19Hey, hi, hi.
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