- 1 day ago
Bren is horrified when her flatulent mother Petula moves into the car park with her 16-year-old fiancé Clint (Kenny Doughty). His mother Shelagh forms a picket line around the factory, with the national press in attendance. As deliveries gradually stop arriving due to the mob outside, Bren suggests an impromptu Oprah Winfrey-style talk show to resolve the matter; they arrange this with the help of local journalist Carmel (Lynda Baron), but Clint decides to leave Petula after talking to Twinkle. Meanwhile, a TV researcher visits the canteen to see whether the dinner ladies would make good docu-soap material, but Tony is worried about them filming his cancer treatment.
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😹
FunTranscript
00:00Slowly release the pressure and back to the
00:29tappy.
00:30Oh!
00:31Is this your full fat day?
00:33Oh, it could be if I call Wednesday, semi-skinned.
00:36In fact, if I call today, Saturday, I could have a Kit Kat.
00:40It's a load of Codswash dieting.
00:43All that misery for what?
00:46Could fall under a bus tomorrow.
00:48I could.
00:49You wouldn't fit under a bus, it would have to be jacked up.
00:54I'm not cursed with hips, fortunately.
00:56We've come a long way, me and my hips.
00:59Hmm, talk about contents may have settled in transit.
01:03What, you read it, Twig?
01:05Survey.
01:06Good knob guide.
01:07Let's have a look.
01:09Blimey, I thought you meant furniture or summat.
01:12Well, I'm sanding down an old blanket box I could do with an unusual knob.
01:17I don't think you want one of them on your blanket box, don't I?
01:24TV weather girl Irina shows us round her converted sauce factory.
01:28Well, it might give me some ideas.
01:30Oh.
01:31Oh.
01:32Oh, I can't even look.
01:36I thought you said it was knobs.
01:39It's knobs.
01:40What is it?
01:41Oh.
01:42No, I'm not letting you say it.
01:43Could set your marriage guidance back months.
01:46You know, Keith told her I needed to make more of an effort in bed.
01:49I'm not surprised if you spend the whole time reading Catherine Cookson.
01:53I do.
01:54Well, not the whole time.
01:56Anything out of the ordinary happens, I pop in a bookmark.
01:59Is Catherine Cookson the one on the telly?
02:04And it's all lovely and old fashioned in the ground in carriages?
02:07No, that's Jane Austen.
02:08If they're in carriages and the bosoms are like just under the chins, that's Jane Austen.
02:12Catherine Cookson, they'll be like a horse and cat.
02:15And they get pregnant a lot and chop the heads off mackerel.
02:20And it's raining and the bosoms will be a lot lower.
02:24And the Jane Austen ones, are they Shakespeare?
02:27No, there's Dickens.
02:32Are you thinking of Dickens?
02:34If they're all like covered in warts and they go, oh, Mr. Whitchy Goff, that's Dickens.
02:38Shakespeare, that's BBC too.
02:39And they have like robes on and they never sit down and they run on.
02:42Have you never seen that?
02:43I don't know.
02:44Yeah, they run on.
02:45What is it you?
02:46Oh, the Duke of Whittlybob's done such and such, and such a body's fell down the stairs in a nighty.
02:49Okay, fair enough, off you go.
02:50Well, that's Shakespeare.
02:52That's good.
02:53She's a millionaire now, this weather girl, Irina.
02:56Just for pointing at some low cloud over Derby.
03:00It's like those fat ladies that cook.
03:02Oh, what are they called?
03:03They're fat ladies.
03:05There's two of them.
03:08Two fat ladies.
03:10That's them.
03:11I couldn't think what they were called.
03:14Oh, and they're very ill groomed, standing there with the curvy grips dangling over a bit of woodcock.
03:19What cock?
03:20It's a breather.
03:22Now, message from Philippa.
03:24Did anyone see that series on telly about bin men?
03:26Oh, with Edward Woodward, that was brilliant.
03:27No.
03:28And did you know he was made to that woman out of thingybob.
03:30Some mothers do have them.
03:31What do you mean, have them?
03:32No.
03:33You know, he goes under a lorry and roller skates.
03:34Mr Bean?
03:35No, not Mr Bean.
03:36Brent.
03:37Not the pastry.
03:38No, Phantom of the Opera.
03:40Brent, not that series.
03:41Shut up.
03:42There has just been a series on television about bin men.
03:45Real bin men.
03:46Nothing to do with Edward Piggy and Woodward.
03:48Real people.
03:49Documentary.
03:50Oh, I know.
03:51And the people who made it, God help them, want to come and have a look round the factory.
03:54Oh.
03:55To make a programme about us.
03:57I don't know.
03:58Get the phones, Brent.
03:59I'm having a fag.
04:00At all, mate.
04:01No.
04:02I left them on table.
04:03No.
04:04So we might be on the television.
04:05If they make a docusoap about us, I could become a celebrity.
04:09Yeah?
04:10Like that girl that trips up on that discussion programme.
04:11She's in here.
04:12Look.
04:13Trips up once on television and now she's seen it relaxing in the Seychelles.
04:17In lycra flat-fronted trousers, $89.99 with her boyfriend, Olive.
04:26Clive.
04:27I might have my own slimming programme if our docusoap takes off.
04:36There will be no docusoap.
04:37You are sad women.
04:38What have you done to that lettuce?
04:40Chopped it.
04:41You've pulverised it.
04:42It's had it.
04:43That's not a salad bowl.
04:44That's a hospice.
04:45I hear the toilet paper dispenser's playing up again.
04:50Yeah, you tug and you only get one piece.
04:52Well, that's not adequate, you see.
04:54It's supposed to be three sheets per tug.
04:56With attention on my spindle nuts.
04:59I said that.
05:01I'll loosen them off.
05:02Is there anybody in there?
05:04No.
05:05Male maintenance operative entering female relief premises for nut adjustment.
05:11What's he doing?
05:12He's adjusting his nuts.
05:14Fair enough.
05:15Bren.
05:16Bren.
05:17Can I just pop into the toilet a minute with Clint?
05:20Nothing sordid.
05:21We're just...
05:22Come on, lover.
05:27Bren.
05:28If you have a minute, two black coffees.
05:33Bren.
05:34Was that your mother?
05:36They just went in the toilet with that boy?
05:38Yeah.
05:40Are you Brenda?
05:41Bren?
05:42Yeah.
05:44Answer me one question, love.
05:46Where's my Clint?
05:48Sorry.
06:02He's living with your mother, isn't he, in that caravan?
06:06He needs to come home, love.
06:08He gets constipated.
06:09Look, I don't see her very often.
06:10She parks it in different places.
06:11I've got water around the heart.
06:12I'm about to have my rings cut off.
06:13I should be in Lanzarote today.
06:14What's going on?
06:15He's all I've got.
06:16My daughter's in Saudi.
06:17I just want to talk to him.
06:18My ankles are like this.
06:19I can only wear moon boots.
06:20What's the problem?
06:21How's he going to cope in a caravan?
06:22How's he going to cope in a caravan?
06:23He's used to a through lounge.
06:24I've gone up a bra size.
06:25It's all water.
06:26Tell me about it outside, love, OK?
06:27That's it.
06:28Out we go.
06:29He's just had trainers for £98.
06:30What's the toilet situation?
06:31Only I've got a semi-operative dispenser spindle in there.
06:33All right, show's over.
06:34Can I have a word, Brent?
06:35Yeah.
06:36Who are you?
06:37Is he with you, Stan?
06:38He's not.
06:39He's not.
06:40He came in with me mother.
06:41Eh?
06:42Did you do those coffees, Brent?
06:43No.
06:44No.
06:45No.
06:46No.
06:47No.
06:48No.
06:49No.
06:50No.
06:51No.
06:52No.
06:53No.
06:54No.
06:55No.
06:56No.
06:57No.
06:58No.
06:59No.
07:00No.
07:01No.
07:02No.
07:03No.
07:04No.
07:05No.
07:06Hang about.
07:07Now, I like strange women shouting the odds and a staff toilet full of mad people.
07:12That's better than a game of snooker to me.
07:14But what is going on?
07:15What was that all about?
07:17And who is he?
07:18Do excuse me.
07:19I'm Brent's mother, Petula Gordino.
07:22And this is Clint.
07:23Clint?
07:24My fiancée.
07:29Clint's mother's a bit stressed by our engagement.
07:31engagement so we're going to barcelona let her cool off i think clint's going to be very
07:37stimulated by the architecture until his passport comes through i wonder if he could just park the
07:43caravan by the back stairs there now who do we need to ring come on clinty you haven't forgotten
07:54the research is coming the docusoap no we're all really excited so am i actually on the qt did you
07:59see that one about undertakers oh it was really funny when he kept saying i'm screwing the lid down
08:03now that's all he said i'm screwing the lid down he's giving up undertaking he does quiz shows
08:09did stan manage to tow your mother's caravan round yeah it's around the back by his bins morning hello
08:13hello is she here the researcher mr michael's waiting outside for her anybody here with no clothes on
08:19oh you missed it again which bra is it gene the gray one with the gaffer tape hi twink shut up bren i'm
08:25wrecked look could i just have a quick word with everybody about the docusoap i do know they're
08:31looking for an upbeat feel and i see you as quite a sparky bunch oh we are though of course it's not
08:38just the canteen she's looking at there's packing oh is it harold who's supposed to have a bit of a
08:43party oh all he does is struggle to force the theme tune from caddy and lacy out of his bottom
08:52no out of his ocarina i was trying to say bottom how could somebody get a tune out of their bottom
09:03there speaks a woman who's never gone camping
09:05remember up jolly ha let's go for it here we are this is hannah jolly good hello philippa we speak on
09:16the phone moorcroft and these are the girls hello oh sorry that's tony the manager not a girl right
09:24so what sort of goes on here then oh there's tons happening isn't there there's the bread man norman
09:31because we have like this bread order and sometimes like it's not correct
09:40like it doesn't tally you know like we're supposed to get a load of granary torpedoes yeah
09:46and we never get them
09:50we get like wholemeal pitters and you say to him norman why have you given me wholemeal pitters norman
09:56and what does he say well he doesn't say anything usually does he he just usually says like it or a
10:03mistake or something doesn't he
10:07anyway sorry this is bren dolly jean twinkle all real characters and me i'm sorry anita and anita's
10:15ethnic so that's doubled your audience
10:19brought 10 running repairs hello i'm not meaning to blow my own instrument but i have to say some
10:29mornings without me i doubt there'd be toast god i adore toast so you've got like your own toaster
10:37it's an ek-727 right now
10:55so
11:07it won't be long bren it's only a blood test see ya are you all right yeah i'm just feeling a bit
11:35awkward about my mother still being here can i have 12 rounds away yeah hang on are you going
11:40to put them on the tally then i don't know yet depends on bren what's that you know she's got
11:45a mother shacked up by the bins here with a 16 year old boy no it's only like frank sinatra and mia
11:51farrow not very nice for the filming bren breaking wind in a food preparation area
11:57i don't think mia farrow would have done that
12:01tell her to go bren we can't have a caught on camera bren i don't want to present myself against
12:09the background of underage sex and trapped wind
12:14she's here isn't she you lying tri-pound
12:18there's a queue here i'm on 13 types of tablets
12:21i know that caravan's here i've had it followed my niece was in the military police she's been all
12:27around here in an unmarked box hall let me after i wanted to give him up don't flipping call me name
12:33she's a grown woman do you know what i mean you might not like the idea of her jumping your son's
12:36bones in a five-birth caravan but let's face facts you can't stop her i can't stop her i'm on my limit
12:43lady and i've nothing to lose i've got high blood pressure and water retention do you know what that
12:47gives you boiling water it gives you reckless edge i can only wear men's trousers and there's not a jury
12:57in the land that wouldn't take my side plays that fan let me at it no no that is my bin and skip area
13:04you make a move towards it and there'll be a sore point all round now you can leave in a dignified
13:10pattern as besuits the female persuasion or a complete for security who would trade to remove
13:15women by the elbow pick your potato right daughter of scum tell your mother we are picketing this
13:25factory till that trollop comes out and faces me face to face i'm phoning the papers i'm phoning the
13:30television we are going to be outside those gates night and day until she comes out and when she does
13:35she's dead meat
13:40and a strawberry yogurt
13:45now in its fifth day the factory siege shows no sign of coming to an end clint's mother says she will
13:52continue to picket the factory till glamorous gran petula gordino agrees to a meeting
14:02it's getting crazy out there are you okay did you get in all right well only just
14:07only because stan was waiting for me he got hold of my arm and yanked me through it is it's getting
14:10silly what's that bren oh sorry i think it's a teddy is it can't see christopher robin dragging that
14:16upstairs i mean what is he at that clint no offense to your mum but he's 16 he should be trying the
14:23doors on parked cars he don't want to be shacked up with a woman old enough to remember maygrave
14:29plus the blooming factory's nearly ground to a halt oh we've started all right norman
14:37bren do you want to do kilroy mothers who have let their daughters down no they'll send a peugeot
14:42no you've had your last loads off me look you just have to force your way through like i did
14:46i'm agoraphobic you know i fell off a diving board in guernsey it's like a pack of hyenas are there
14:53and i were photographed if i get my face in paper that could be a bit awkward for me could that
14:58why are you a bigamist or something norman technically i am actually but anyway that's it no
15:05more bread till it's all over going well brent no veg now no bread milk's not come either
15:11i'm taking one of these okay i'm having such fun it's been a fantastic five days for me
15:17the girls are here stands helping them out of the car clint's mother's got that placard kill the
15:23whore from hell you think somebody would tell her it starts with a w
15:29all right here we go that's it we're in we're okay now everybody sit down i can't take much more
15:40she nearly had me sunroofing two of those reporters came to the front door last night yes three rang me
15:46up i tripped over two on doorstep this morning dolly do you want to do kilroy can osteoporosis affect
15:53driving concentration claire rayner and lorraine chase no i don't see how they're gonna resolve this
16:02we need an ombudsman we need something this is gonna be on the doodah you want to do kilroy impotence
16:10the new celibacy with miriam stoppard and harold pinter oh no can we have eight coffee and quality
16:19and a box of biscuits and can the lids have cups i mean can the cups have lids hello everybody i
16:24didn't sleep very well last night thermoses we've only got yesterday's milk never mind and a box of
16:28biscuits no i said a box of biscuits didn't i it's for the press again did i say lids i'm worried about
16:34people getting scalded can somebody bring them down to the main gate we can't bring them it's a
16:39lynch mom is clint's mom still there yes she's actually chained herself to the main gates now
16:45i'll get me slippers it's all right the fabricator coming flip what am i saying so none of the lorries
16:49can get in or out um i'll come back to the coffee wait do you want to be on telly middle-aged
16:57workmates make me sick with obert kilroy bum crack yeah no she has she's chained herself to the gate
17:05is that carmel from northern roundup oh she's loving this she normally only gets to interview
17:10people who make furniture out of conkers oh mr michael's out again trying to calm clint's mother
17:16down oh lovely what spat at him why do people have to spit that ruined titanic for me the spitting
17:28the iceberg couldn't come soon enough once i saw that
17:34have you got any foil brand i thought i might put in a few highlights mom she's chained herself to the
17:40main gates none of the lorries can get through now why she oi this is your doing chief that rinse on
17:47work
17:49will you give me the name katherine de nerve is after that sort of a shade i know
17:55excuse me i was nearly poked in the sunroof coming to work this morning
18:00i wish i could help you can't damn well help it's you she's waiting for anita do you want to do kilroy
18:08multicultural breast implants with naomi campbell's mother and madder jaffrey
18:13not really this is a strain for all of us gene clint's feeling it we won't dwell on what clint's
18:21feeling if you must have sexual impulses why have you got to have them at the back of our bins
18:29mrs gordino i had no idea the situation would escalate in this way it's not just the press
18:34harassment the crowds the ill feeling it's actually now affecting the factory we can't get the lorries
18:40in or out the fire brigade are on their way but she says she'll continue to chain herself to the
18:43gates till you come out she's a one-trick pony as little art garfunkel used to say
18:49started imagination clint says he had fish pie four nights out of seven
18:56obviously nobody wants to turf you out it's very awkward but i really think we've got to ask you to
19:03leave does anybody want to do friggin poxy kilroy with robert stupid up himself silk
19:10no what's the topic how mopping floors enlarge my organ i don't know
19:20mrs gordino i have a responsibility to my workers i can see that bye hecky you hoe a hard row and we
19:29respect you for it look folks i'll walk out through those gates this minute but how will your firm look
19:34if she bats me to death right in front of your logo oh frankly michael what do you think we should
19:39do bren well this is like a blooming tone between two lovers this you know what i mean i'm like torn
19:44between the factory and me mother i mean i love the factory and that's for me mother but i love the factory
19:51don't blame bren i've had postnatal disinterest for 40 years but even when you don't actually like
19:58someone you don't especially want them to get battered thanks sweetheart if my mother doesn't
20:03leave what's the upshot how will we get the lorries in what's going to happen to the documentary how can
20:07we carry on we haven't even got any vegetables it's not your fault bren i know i can't properly
20:12hose me bins with that caravan park door i know we have to move quickly i know they always seem to
20:18sort these things out on those television shows don't they what well like on opera winfrey they all put
20:23the points of view look if we get extra security no listen anita's right that's what sheila wants
20:29she wants to have a say with everybody listening she wants a proper audience could take days to get
20:33us on that sort of show no i mean do it here now we've got enough blooming chairs but who did her
20:37from northern roundup carmel should be in like a shot i'll go now brilliant bren can she handle an
20:44in-depth emotional debate normally she only holds up gigantic onions
20:49but it doesn't matter she's got a camera crew she's here now that's all sheila wants a little bit
20:56of fame who was it who was on about 15 minutes of fame handy pandy no jean was about 15 minutes
21:03i'll just check that sheila's on her way up carmel now what about this lighting do i need to make
21:23love to you to put more lights on there are no more lights it's wattage per footage around here anyway i'll
21:29live with my dad likes to play the ukulele till half past nine so are you really going to barcelona
21:39with ben's mum i suppose so i'm just doing it to annoy my mother really what's that it's my prepared
21:44statement what's it say well if i'm older to drive a car why can't i make my own decisions blah blah
21:49you're not old enough to drive a car are you so i change it to moped don't catch me shacking up with
21:54an older it's bad enough working with them i was on about sixpences and pammers and nag tag and
21:59flipping bobtails never mind get a life they've never had one and now they haven't got time to
22:05get one but you know they reckon they're like lovers in their previous existence do you not
22:09believe in like reincarnation nearly before you're like destined to be together no what do you believe
22:14in don't have your tongue pierced because it hurts when you say sausages and when you're batting
22:19trainers and they say do you want the box don't have it otherwise you end up with a load of boxes
22:24them are cool yeah getting the brown one saturday they haven't got them they have he's just got them
22:29in i know the back one with the white flash we have sheila we're ready to go all right then
22:36why two simon hang on a minute running up any trouble i'm in i trained with the paris my dad was a desert rat
22:49and speed my son's fiance is old enough to be his own grandmother that's the bizarre claim that has
22:57led sheila openshaw to chain herself to the gates of hwd components in the fifth day of her protest
23:05and here is that fiance petula gordino petula carmel when mia farrow left frank sinatra
23:13he got a bit of a thing for me on the rebound typical italian macho nonsense he was forever london on
23:20my lawn in his helicopter he got silly really you pull back the bedroom curtains and there'd be frank's
23:26chopper but i turned him down carmel and i'll tell you for why because we weren't a true match
23:39and do you feel clinton you are a true match oh there's no question in my mind our minds our hearts
23:51can you carry on our souls i was only asking
24:01we're twin souls can we have sheila to sit in please
24:09sheila can i have your assurance that during this interview you won't harm petula in any way
24:16i don't want to hurt anybody i'm on 13 types of tablets
24:21about to have my rings cut off i can only go to sleep in a deck chair
24:26are you saying to clint give her up or else no way carmel he's my son and i love him and if she makes
24:33clint happy she makes me happy so you'll actually welcome petula into your home with nobs on she's
24:42family she's in she comes to stop car racing she comes to land i don't know well let's hear from
24:50clint clint um he didn't actually won't come on tally but he's got this thing you wanted me to read
24:56i oh we drafted a joint statement and dear petula sorry and all that but i need to move on thanks for
25:05the laughs clint dear mum i'll be home later if pete rings ask him about that jacket i have gone up
25:13time for them sway trainers love clint
25:15reaction patula well how else could it have ended carmel i opened his cage and away he flew
25:30i took the risk and paid the price as gerard depadieu said to me that day in deville
25:37what's the point in having a big nose if you can't jam a banana up it
25:48i thank you all so very much and god bless
26:04i'm blooming journalists we've never had our thermoses back i can't believe how quickly they
26:11all left once it was over back to normality doll can you stick around girls twink philippa's popping
26:18in with hannah they're keen to go ahead with the filming apparently can i have a word brent i can't
26:24be in a documentary what in case you are ill you mean yeah i don't know what's going to happen
26:29it could be the okay it could be a load of treatment well they wouldn't film that that's
26:33just what they would film well tell me you don't want to do it they can't film without everyone's
26:36permission and be mr unpopular how would i get any work out of them after that you know how they are
26:42on a bad day it's like trying to fold gravy tell them the real reason no brain they'd all be patting
26:49me on the head and knitting me balaclavas wouldn't they yeah well suppose i tell them i don't want to
26:55do it they'll kill you do you reckon you'll lose a few friends brent yeah i probably would probably
27:01will well i just have to will won't i look don't you worry about it you've got enough to worry about
27:06go and track down them thermoses i'll see how it's looking cheers mate so what do we reckon then
27:13about this docu soap thing do you all want to go ahead yeah we do and we don't want you messing
27:18it up again either i just wanted to say we're definitely going ahead oh good but what we're looking
27:24for is the one sort of central character that the audience can sort of latch on to you had one in
27:29binman you had one undertaker's i'm screwing the lid down now right i'm screwing the lid down now so
27:34i'm really sorry but it's really going to center around one oh cripes one man not stan god no i mean
27:41stan's sweet but he's sort of a waste of space um well tony's not here no this man i just love him he's
27:47fun and he's down to earth and sort of a bit vulnerable can i just what hannah specially liked was him
27:52playing the theme tune from cagney and lacey on his ocarina not harry from packing the viewers
27:58will adore him i'm really sorry are you grinning at nothing i'm really disappointed
28:18thank you
28:23so
28:27so
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