- 3 hours ago
S1.E10 ∙ War of the Worlds
Sun, May 2, 1993
The Mayle's kitchen remains unfinished and Zanetti the carpenter hasn't returned for a month. It finally dawns on him that the man has probably been snatched by Madame Hermonville but all they end up with is an invitation to a party for her visiting Parisian friends. She again calls on the Mayles to help her quiet Mr. Coulon's rooster. Madame Hermonville wants to call the police but Annie suggests a more civilized approach: just ask him to do something about it. It doesn't quite go as planned. When Coulon complains about the noise from her party, it becomes open warfare with Annie and Peter trying to mediate.
Sun, May 2, 1993
The Mayle's kitchen remains unfinished and Zanetti the carpenter hasn't returned for a month. It finally dawns on him that the man has probably been snatched by Madame Hermonville but all they end up with is an invitation to a party for her visiting Parisian friends. She again calls on the Mayles to help her quiet Mr. Coulon's rooster. Madame Hermonville wants to call the police but Annie suggests a more civilized approach: just ask him to do something about it. It doesn't quite go as planned. When Coulon complains about the noise from her party, it becomes open warfare with Annie and Peter trying to mediate.
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FunTranscript
00:00Thank you for listening.
00:30The French grow everything, or almost, because they don't grow parsnips.
00:57So I'd set my heart on dazzling the sporting association with mine.
01:01But parsnips need love and attention, and as things turned out, mine weren't going to get much.
01:07Autumn was like a second spring.
01:12The days were long and warm, the colours rich and the peace amazing.
01:17Or would have been, if Provence's last remaining thrush hadn't been giving the hunters a run for their money on the slopes of the Louberon.
01:27When we walked in the woods, we wore bright-coloured clothes, taking great care not to sound or look like anything edible.
01:37Hey, they might think you're a robin.
01:39They don't shoot robins.
01:40Not yet.
01:46Bonjour, Antoine.
01:48Monsieur Coulon, out hunting, on chasse.
01:53On se promène.
01:54Ah, see.
01:57Just a little arm stroll in the woods.
02:01Hello, Tony.
02:03Ah, yes.
02:04Tony.
02:05Um, the property market is still, I'm afraid, depressed.
02:10So, no reply from Tony yet.
02:13Rien.
02:15You want to regret it?
02:20A bit abrupt.
02:22What would you expect?
02:24You accused Coulon of licking the postbox, Riviera of flogging duff truffles.
02:28You haven't done a blind thing about selling his house.
02:30I didn't think you liked them.
02:32They are our neighbours.
02:33Sir?
02:36Oh, they belong here.
02:38This is theirs.
02:40They didn't invite us.
02:41We just breezed in.
02:44Bonjour.
02:44C'est bon.
02:46The world's giving them a hard time.
02:50Maybe I've just got a soft spot for peasants.
02:55The game warden with the vehicle was the grocer, Monsieur Foss,
02:59known among the local partridges as Rambo Foss.
03:03Then in the woods, ried.
03:05But then, ried.
03:08Nothing left to shoot.
03:10What a pity.
03:11They're the prisoners, the raconiers.
03:13Poachers, is it?
03:14If you'd ever send you to the raconiers, eh?
03:18Oh, no.
03:20We haven't seen any poachers, have we, darling?
03:22Personne.
03:24Completely poachless.
03:25And once again, the house was as empty of workmen as the woods were of game.
03:35Zanetti, the carpenter, who'd suddenly disappeared in September, still hadn't come back.
03:40And the mystery deepened.
03:41Ah, Madame Mel, Monsieur Mel, on venez vous dire un petit bonjour, eh?
03:45Bon, ben alors, on s'en va, eh? Madame Mel, Monsieur Mel.
03:49Just a minute, just a minute.
03:51You've only just arrived.
03:53Quelle belle maison.
03:53Vous avez de la chance.
03:55La vue, la situation, magnifique.
03:57Did you come all this way to tell us how pretty it is?
04:00Non, non, on voulait savoir, euh, l'électricité, ça marche bien?
04:05The electricity is working, yes?
04:08Ah, c'est normal.
04:09L'électricité, c'est logique et scientifique, eh?
04:11C'est comme la musique classique.
04:13Mozart.
04:14Oh, il aurait fait un électricien comme ça, eh?
04:18Mozart would have been a good electrician?
04:22You're talking le gibberish, Monsieur Columbani.
04:25Now, come on, own up.
04:27You're here to see Zanetti, aren't you?
04:31Vous cherchez Zanetti.
04:33Zanetti, lui?
04:34Non.
04:35Et pourquoi un cherchere Zanetti?
04:37Because this is where he's supposed to be.
04:41Ici.
04:43He started our kitchen last month and left us down the lurch.
04:48So, where is he?
04:50Who? Eh?
04:53Oui, bon, on n'a pas le temps de jouer aux dominettes, Monsieur Mel.
04:55No time for what?
04:57Alors, bonjour.
04:58Et au revoir.
05:01Vraiment très beau.
05:02Excusez-moi, Monsieur Mel.
05:04What's that?
05:23Teach yourself carpentry.
05:25Annie, if they, we, and no-one knows where Zanetti is, you know where he must be.
05:37And that's how it happened.
05:45Moments such as these, when life and destiny intersect, are called fate.
05:50And it's fate that stops you getting on with the gun.
05:54Peter!
05:55Peter!
05:55Evelyn, we just popped by because we wondered if by any chance...
06:03I am just too delighted.
06:05You know who is here.
06:06You know who just arrived.
06:08Zanetti, don't be silly, no.
06:11My friends from Paris, my best friends.
06:14I am so excited.
06:15I can see that.
06:16They come for the calm country weekend.
06:19They always say to me, Evelyn, how could you leave Paris?
06:23How can you live with all these cows and these veg?
06:27They will see.
06:28I will show them.
06:29Come.
06:30No, no, really, we must...
06:32Come.
06:32I introduce the Baron Hubert de Montfort of the big-fashioned arse.
06:44Evelyn, the.
06:46You see, Peter.
06:48You see, how he is.
06:49So naughty.
06:50I had the good fortune of having an English nanny.
06:53Ah.
06:54Monsieur.
06:55How do you do?
06:56Madame.
06:57How do you do?
06:57Hélène Lauriston, his friend, and the top mannequin.
07:03Bonjour.
07:05Oh, how do you do?
07:10Guy-François Prinville, the big noise from the publicité.
07:14Bonjour.
07:16Ça va?
07:17Arrête, Guy.
07:18I see you before, no?
07:21Oh, tu me fatigues si tu...
07:22And Marie-Thérèse, his wife.
07:28Take no notice of him.
07:30He has the fire down his trousers.
07:33How uncomfortable.
07:35Well, it was very nice to meet you.
07:39And we do hope you have a wonderful weekend.
07:42But we must be on our way.
07:45We're off hunting for the carpenter.
07:47So.
07:49My party!
07:52What party?
07:53You must, just must, come to my big party tomorrow.
07:57Oh, no, really.
07:58Tomorrow we...
07:59I will not hear it.
08:01Bitte.
08:02Please.
08:04I don't want to go to the party.
08:06Then why do we get involved?
08:07Why don't you just say no?
08:09No, I don't want to.
08:11It's what you said about Rivière.
08:13It wouldn't have been neighbourly.
08:15I beg your pardon?
08:17Look, you'd be in the market.
08:19You'd be choosing a melon.
08:20You'd look up.
08:22And there in front of you would be a neighbour you'd bruised.
08:25So you accept it?
08:27No.
08:28I lied.
08:30You're telling the truth?
08:31That is the last we shall see of that lot.
08:36From now on, it's peace and parsnips.
08:38Yes?
08:53Yes?
08:56You what?
08:59Look, Evelyn.
09:00Why the hell are you waking me up to tell me you've been woken up?
09:07Telling you're not feeling neighbourly.
09:09By a what?
09:11By Coulon's cock?
09:14But I still don't see why you should...
09:18Listen, Evelyn.
09:20I told you a long time ago I wasn't trying to kill the cock.
09:28I was just looking for my postbox.
09:32You're what?
09:34Insane.
09:36You're going to the police?
09:38She's going to the what?
09:42I thought we weren't going to get involved.
09:46Just call me Zorro.
09:50The council of what?
09:53The what?
09:54My friends.
09:55They come for trip.
09:56To rest from the stress.
09:57And what they get?
09:58No sleep.
09:59Not the butt of the eyelid.
10:01Ah, how I had peasants.
10:03It's not possible.
10:04Oh, Evelyn.
10:04She's in such a state.
10:06I'm dying.
10:07I'm dying.
10:07My eyes are terrible.
10:09And how did you sleep, Mrs. Meal?
10:13Mille Soulon, that one?
10:14All the night and all the dawn, the cock from the farm of Coulon.
10:18But this is the country, isn't it?
10:20I mean, it's not the Champs-Elysees.
10:23So?
10:24This is where cocks live, on farms.
10:26And that's what cocks do.
10:28They grow.
10:29In no eye of my friends.
10:31And in do it on purpose.
10:34Paranoia.
10:36Insomnia.
10:37I ring the police.
10:38You can't do that.
10:40Oh, no.
10:41And why not?
10:43You want the cock to be scut-free?
10:45Monsieur Coulon happens to be...
10:47Monsieur.
10:48Oh, quelle idée.
10:51Monsieur Coulon happens to be your neighbor.
10:54So, then.
10:56So why don't you go and tell him?
10:58Be sensible about the whole business.
11:00Just go and knock on his door.
11:01I'm sure that's the way to do it.
11:03Hello, he'll say.
11:04Good morning, he'll say.
11:06Look, I'm awfully sorry.
11:07And you'll probably think me a bit of a, you know.
11:09But your cock is keeping us up at night.
11:11And is there anything you can possibly do about it?
11:12And he'll say, I'll see what I can do.
11:14And he'll say, thanks, awfully.
11:16That's jolly nice of you.
11:17Good morning.
11:18And he'll say, good morning.
11:19And there you are.
11:21Bob's your uncle.
11:23Me.
11:23That.
11:25I say, you say.
11:28Might be so civilized.
11:31Say, Evelyn.
11:33Let's.
11:34Might be fun.
11:38Let's.
11:38Let's.
11:39Let's.
11:39Let's.
11:39Let's.
11:40Let's.
11:57Let's.
11:58Let's.
11:59Monsieur Coulon.
12:01Où est Charlemagne?
12:03Il slip.
12:04Il taille retour.
12:04Qu'est-ce que vous voulez?
12:05Ah, bonjour, Monsieur Coulon.
12:09Bonjour, Antoine.
12:10Il y a un little, um, problème.
12:13Un incident.
12:16Votre voisin, neighbor, ici, and her guests, invité.
12:23Can't keep.
12:25Pas dormir.
12:27C'est le cock.
12:29Is it?
12:30Oui ou non?
12:30Non.
12:33Non.
12:35He says it isn't his cock.
12:37I think they all speak French, Annie.
12:39Of course he says it is not him.
12:41But it is him.
12:42Ça va pas, non?
12:44Qu'est-ce qu'il a ce cock?
12:48Regardez!
12:49Il ne dirait rien, ce coque.
13:14Make your filthy noise.
13:16I see the game.
13:25Ce n'est pas Charlemagne.
13:27This is not Charlemagne.
13:30He has the day cock and he has the night cock.
13:33He cheat.
13:35He's a liar.
13:36This is not the gentleman farmer.
13:39OK.
13:39So, you want to play the game?
13:41So, me too.
13:43I take you to the court.
13:44You hear, devant le tribunal.
13:47Rien à foutre.
13:49Il donc a resté chez eux, les Parisiennes.
13:51Yeah.
13:52And just what is wrong with Parisians?
13:54Bande de plouques.
13:55Oh, il doré.
13:56Parigot de merde.
13:58Bouzez!
13:58Oh, pétasse!
13:59Oh, and now they insult.
14:02They insult my friends.
14:04This is too much.
14:04Much too much.
14:06Vous êtes mes témoins.
14:06You are all my witness.
14:08You will hear from my lawyer.
14:12I see him at my party this evening.
14:15Come.
14:15That was great, Annie.
14:28Thanks.
14:29What next?
14:30The UN?
14:31We go to the party.
14:33You're joking.
14:34We're involved.
14:35We've got to.
14:36Why are we going this way?
14:38We're going to buy her a present.
14:40C'est dingue.
14:47Si on avait su, on aurait acheté tout de l'amour.
14:49Je sais.
14:50Tu connais Cyril?
14:51Eh oui, je connais Cyril.
14:53Vous connaissez Cyril?
14:54Oui.
14:56Oui?
14:57Non.
14:59As you like.
15:02Excuse me.
15:03I must have some more of those lovely crisps.
15:07Me?
15:08Oh, I'm a friend of...
15:10Yes.
15:12Um, I'm a friend of Mr. Coulomb.
15:15Do you know Mr. Coulomb?
15:17Coulomb.
15:19Coulomb.
15:19Small, uh, darkish.
15:22Cousin of Antoine Rivière.
15:24Antoine Rivière.
15:26Does he play golf?
15:27I'm sure he would if you asked him.
15:30Hello.
15:31Clip true.
15:34Maître Boutroux, my lawyer.
15:36Be light, madame.
15:37Sorry, monsieur.
15:39This is for you.
15:40But you shouldn't.
15:42It's one of my favourite books.
15:43You can open it.
15:44It's a history of peasants.
15:46Peasants?
15:47C'est très intéressant, ça.
15:48Oh, right.
15:49I'm sure you'll enjoy it.
15:52A bit romantic sometimes, you know.
15:55Peasants, the living memory of the countryside, that sort of thing.
15:58But, um, timely.
15:59What with them being nobbled by Brussels and all that.
16:01So I thought, rather than taking them to court, you might care to have a peek.
16:07Can you read?
16:09I beg your pardon, madame.
16:10In English, I meant.
16:11You can borrow it after.
16:13But this is a party.
16:14We don't care about peasants.
16:16To eat with peasants.
16:18We have fun.
16:19Evelyn.
16:20Evelyn.
16:21J'arrive.
16:22On mange et puis on dort.
16:23Help me, Mr. Mail.
16:44Look at him.
16:45He flogged.
16:47He dragged.
16:49I love him.
16:50My co-marriage.
16:54Help me, Mr. Mail.
16:56Of course.
16:57Yes.
16:59It's a pleasure.
17:00Only...
17:01A glass of water.
17:04Too many crisps.
17:20You'll never guess what happened.
17:45Koolon has complained about the noise.
17:47The noise.
17:51Who doesn't see that?
17:53Amazing.
17:54Mhmm.
17:55Yes.
17:55Nice.
17:57Nice.
17:57Nice.
17:59Nice.
18:01Nice.
18:02Nice.
18:06Nice.
18:06Morning.
18:07Nice.
18:12Nice.
18:13Nice.
18:13Nice.
18:13Nice.
18:14Nice.
18:14Nice.
18:14Nice.
18:15It is nice.
18:16Nice.
18:17Nice.
18:17It's not.
18:20Allo.
18:23What?
18:29Charlemagne strikes again.
18:47No, no, Mr. Coulomb.
19:02We'd like a little word.
19:04Expliquez.
19:07We understand, Mr. Coulomb.
19:10Understand.
19:11We are for you.
19:13But the cock...
19:14He went a bit too far.
19:16À Paris.
19:19Paris.
19:22Big town.
19:24Grande vie.
19:26Noise.
19:31Boitur.
19:34Parking.
19:35Difficile.
19:37Arguments.
19:39People.
19:40Pas sourire.
19:43Méchant.
19:44Alors, les Parisiens.
19:48Uptight.
19:53Stressful.
19:56Le stress.
19:59Le stress.
20:00Alors, la compagne, countryside, um...
20:10Shut up, Peter.
20:12Pour les Parisiens, calm.
20:17Calm equals...
20:19Pas de coq.
20:22Cockless.
20:23Therefore, if possible.
20:28In order to be...
20:29Neighboring.
20:32Charlemagne...
20:33Puts un sock dedans.
20:35And so, we continued our peace machine.
20:43Employing the same strategy as it stopped the Vietnam War.
20:47Actly named, in present circumstances, shuttlecock diplomacy.
20:51I'll deal with this one.
20:52And now, we're going to break my bag.
20:55We're going to break my bag.
20:56We're going to break my bag and my bag.
20:57That's it?
20:58I'm not scared.
20:59I'm tired, I'm tired.
21:00I'm tired.
21:01I'm a witcher.
21:02In fact, it's terrible.
21:03Evelyn, what's going on?
21:06Look at my lovely weekend, look.
21:08I have a little beer of champagne in the morning.
21:10It's a ruin.
21:11I've never had to come here.
21:13I hate the campaign.
21:15I hate the campaign.
21:16I'm tired.
21:17This bad man, this terrible peasant.
21:20Helen is covered in the ringer.
21:22King François has done the bank.
21:24Marie Caress is drunk as a bat.
21:28Thank goodness for Hubert.
21:30Where's Hubert?
21:31Hubert has gone to do justice.
21:33What?
21:34Justice!
21:37Fast.
21:38What's going on?
21:39Mad Hubert has gone to kill the cock.
21:43Where are we going?
21:44To the grocers.
22:10Fire.
22:21If he's up here, what's going on?
22:26Sure.
22:27There's no one.
22:27Living the serial killer.
22:32Really?
22:33I can't see.
22:35Why is he completelylyn?
22:37They're so sorry.
22:39Mr. Foss, vite, we've got something for you to shoot at last, chasser en fin.
22:45C'est quoi, Mr. Mell?
22:46A poacher, Mr. Foss, en voleur.
22:50La boutique est fermée, hein?
22:52Elle est fermée, madame.
22:54Revenez plus tard.
23:09Sous-titrage ST' 501
23:39And so Rambo nobbled Uber for hunting poultry without a local license,
24:00and we shuttlecocked back to face the music with Evelyn.
24:03Although this turned out to be not the only problem to be resolved.
24:08Mr. Mell!
24:12Nice, Mr. Mell!
24:13Marie-Thérèse, I won't be a minute!
24:15You must, you must help me!
24:18Annie!
24:28Evelyn.
24:31I'm sorry.
24:32No, Peter.
24:37Things were getting all out of proportion.
24:41We had to stop him.
24:42You can't just go around slaughtering livestock.
24:45You are right, Peter.
24:48I am wrong again.
24:53Again?
24:56I am saving the arse.
24:58Evelyn.
25:00Evelyn.
25:00Evelyn.
25:03Why?
25:04Here, I will be the laughingstock.
25:07My friend, he hunt without the permit to attack the peasant.
25:11I cannot keep the head high.
25:13No head.
25:15No arse.
25:15I go.
25:20Surely you're being rather dramatic.
25:23I mean, the cool light of day.
25:25I am dramatic.
25:27I have no cool light.
25:29I sell the arse.
25:31I sell the land.
25:33I say goodbye.
25:36I start again.
25:39I have done before.
25:41Why stop?
25:41This has been so good.
25:50But that is how it is.
25:53How it must be.
25:56We are but ships that go back in the night.
26:01Evelyn.
26:04I go.
26:11Peter.
26:14Evelyn.
26:18The.
26:33Just one more little errand, darling.
26:36You promised, remember?
26:38You promised to help get Mary Therese's husband back.
26:42How could I forget?
26:44Nice, Mr. Mill.
26:47Which way did he go?
26:49This way.
27:03Lee Francois is there.
27:06This is a lupanard.
27:08A what, Marie Therese?
27:10A lupanard.
27:15Of course.
27:17Yes.
27:18Yes.
27:19Well, I'll just pop into the lupanard and...
27:25A lupanard.
27:36A lupanard.
27:37A lupanard.
27:38I'm Jacqueline.
27:50Jacqueline.
27:54Ah, yes, of course, Lupna.
28:00Well, I'm blowed.
28:02Bonjour, Jacqueline.
28:05Bonjour.
28:06Touriste, chéri?
28:08It's funny you should say that.
28:12No, actually, I'm local.
28:15And doubtless you're not going to believe this,
28:19but I just popped in looking for a friend.
28:24Of course, I know.
28:28Maybe Angèle.
28:30Angèle likes to practice her English.
28:34Can't be.
28:41Zanetti?
28:44Monsieur Mela?
28:45Zanetti!
28:49And that's how we got our carpenter back.
28:53Looking for the feckless husband of a dissolute heiress
28:56while trying to prevent our neurotic neighbour
28:58from taking a cock to court,
29:00we stumbled on Zanetti.
29:03Poor old Zanetti.
29:05Frightened of turning down a job
29:06because his business was new.
29:08Moonlighting exhausted in a brothel
29:10because Madame Jacqueline refused to pay the VAT
29:13because her girls didn't get Social Security.
29:16It seems to have dropped everything.
29:18Oh!
29:20Fate, which had been cruel to my parsnips,
29:23had come up trumps.
29:24Later that week, we went to see Coulon.
29:31Bonjour, Antoine!
29:32Bonjour!
29:34Alors, Monsieur Coulon,
29:35you've heard the news.
29:38The neighbour, la Parisienne,
29:39selling, elle vaut.
29:41Et il achète aussi terre.
29:43You're buying the land?
29:48Mais c'est très cher, dear.
29:50Non.
29:51Non, c'est pas cher.
29:54Why not, dear?
29:56Avec un voisin comme lui...
29:58With a neighbour like him.
30:05You're right, I see.
30:07How clever.
30:08The price must sink.
30:10Elle est bonne, hein?
30:13Just a minute.
30:15What about Charlemagne?
30:17Ah, Charlemagne.
30:20Charlemagne de Coq au vin.
30:21Ah, Charlemagne.
30:43Ah, Charlemagne de Coq au vin.
30:51Ah, Charlemagne de Coq au vin.
30:53Ah, Charlemagne de Coq au vin.
30:54Ah, Charlemagne de Coq au vin.
30:55Ah, Charlemagne de Coq au vin.
30:56Ah, Charlemagne de Coq au vin.
30:57Ah, Charlemagne de Coq au vin.
30:57Ah, Charlemagne de Coq au vin.
30:58Ah, Charlemagne de Coq au vin.
30:59Ah, Charlemagne de Coq au vin.
31:00Ah, Charlemagne de Coq au vin.
31:01Ah, Charlemagne de Coq au vin.
31:02Ah, Charlemagne de Coq au vin.
31:03Ah, Charlemagne de Coq au vin.
31:04Ah, Charlemagne de Coq au vin.
31:05Ah, Charlemagne de Coq au vin.
31:06Ah, Charlemagne de Coq au vin.
31:07Shhh!
31:09Please be quiet!
31:11Please sing or sing to play!
31:13Please, Charlie, and be quiet!
31:17We saved your life!
31:19You stupid, ungrateful cars!
31:21You could have been cockamamie!
31:23Remember that!
31:37To be continued...
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