Awkward (2011) Season 1 Episode 9

Reality Realm US

Awkward (2011) Season 1 Episode 9 - My Super Bittersweet Sixteen  #RealityRealmUS Reality Realm US

Transcript

00:00After throwing a hard-school kegger, I had over 300 friends.

00:07But I wasn't deluded by my surge in popularity.

00:10I knew the difference between real friends and virtual ones.

00:13My real friends weren't talking to me.

00:15Although, to be fair, Ming couldn't. Literally.

00:18While Ming was suffering from the kissing disease,

00:21I was sick over a kiss, a drunken lip slip that had cost me Tamara's friendship.

00:26After alienating Maddie and possibly Jake,

00:29my friendscape was pretty barren.

00:32But making new friends wasn't going to be a problem.

00:35I had the interweb.

00:37Hey.

00:38Hey, uh, what's going on?

00:41Well, I just got canned from my job because I screwed up this order,

00:44but it wasn't my fault.

00:45I was still drunk from the night before

00:47because my ex just got married to my best friend.

00:50Anyway, I've been spending a lot of time on the computer lately.

00:53You wanna see my penis?

00:55If my life had an escape button,

00:57I would have checked out for the day.

00:59There was only one small problem.

01:01Make a wish!

01:02It was my goddamn birthday.

01:04Man, I remember when I was 16.

01:16And you knocked up Mom?

01:17You're not about to tell me it happened in a car, are you?

01:21Not this car.

01:22Please tell me you're joking.

01:24I am.

01:25My lucky socks.

01:29I thought maybe you'd be too old for them.

01:31Hell no.

01:33I really need them.

01:35Okay.

01:36Remember to check your mirrors and don't let anything distract you.

01:39Especially cyclists.

01:41Spandex bastards think they own the road.

01:43The upside of being depressed?

01:45I was completely calm.

01:47Nothing was going to distract me.

01:49Okay, go ahead Miss Hamilton.

01:53Check your left mirror.

01:55And your rear view mirror.

01:57And don't forget, check the right mirror.

01:59No, I got it.

02:00I got it.

02:01Just...

02:02Don't worry.

02:07It took your mom a couple of times to pass too.

02:09It wasn't my fault.

02:10The dude had hook hands.

02:12So, you didn't get your license.

02:14What else do you want for your birthday?

02:16I want to spend the day with you.

02:18You don't want to go to school.

02:20And there's that.

02:21I'd love to.

02:22But, I have meetings all day.

02:24Alright.

02:28Happy birthday!

02:29There was nothing happy about it.

02:31It was just another crap day and 2000 sucked.

02:34And good luck with Tamara!

02:37Do you think polyester is see-through?

02:39I'm seriously considering going Stan's bra for the big game tonight.

02:42Trying to make the Schwartzman jealous?

02:44Negs on that!

02:45The only reason I went tits out at practice yesterday is because my bra malfunctioned.

02:49But I felt so free my flute playing was PFM.

02:52It was pure freaking magic.

02:54You should lose the Grundys all together.

02:56Jonah S is a free baller.

02:57And his protein boost totally has this cinnamon thing going on.

03:01Though it could be because he's on Tanner Sacks all that bra so close to his junk.

03:09It's Jenna's birthday, huh?

03:11Did you get her anything or is she still sequestered to the kiss and cry zone?

03:14What do you think?

03:16After avoiding me for days, Tamara looked right at me.

03:20Like she was totally open to my face mail.

03:23My dad was right.

03:25She was throwing me a birthday bone.

03:27Happy birthday.

03:29Once more with feeling.

03:31Well, at least I had some friends.

03:41Beggars couldn't be choosers.

03:42Thanks, Kyle.

03:43I didn't do that.

03:44Oh, crap.

03:46Now I'm at a hundred bucks.

03:50There was a Deadpool on you and I bet you wouldn't make it to 16.

03:54There had to be some way to get off the demon hell ride.

03:57The nurse isn't in and I'm not feeling so hot, so can you write me a note to go home?

04:03You don't have a fever, so either you have internal injuries or you're trying to pull one over on me because it's your birthday.

04:12Come on to you, Jay.

04:14Now, I'm not allowed to give gifts, but you and I have surpassed the whole teacher-student thing.

04:20Go ahead.

04:21Thanks.

04:24Oh, what's happening, hot stuff?

04:27I'm sorry, what?

04:28Oh, I'm not being pervy.

04:29I was quoting Long Duck Dong from Sixteen Candles.

04:32It's about this girl on her 16th birthday, but everyone forgets about it.

04:35It was fabulous.

04:37You know what?

04:38Let's talk about you.

04:39Any plans?

04:40None, except for to go home after you write me that note.

04:43Why don't you stick around here so you can celebrate with your amigos?

04:46That'd be great, but my amigos aren't talking to me.

04:49So what I'm hearing is that you want to celebrate, but you don't have anyone to celebrate with.

04:54What I'm saying is I really don't want to be here, so the best gift you could give me is a note home.

04:59I can't believe this! They forgot my effing birthday!

05:04I was quoting Molly Ringwald.

05:05She gave up, don't you give up.

05:08That was me quoting myself.

05:10I used to feel bad for David Shapiro, eating by himself every day, until I found out he wasn't really eating alone.

05:24He had imaginary friends, which theoretically was like six to ten more than I had.

05:31Hello ladies.

05:32Look at Ricky Schwartz walking around like he's the bomb dot com.

05:36I mean, sure, he's totally H2T Gorge, but my dead grandma can play clarinet better than him.

05:41You guys are like Charlie's Angels.

05:42He claims his playing suppers because he gets like 27 Hardys a day.

05:46But I'm always on Zipper Patrol.

05:48And if that's true, there's definitely some little penis big world action going on down there.

05:53I can't believe I wasted a year of my life crushing out on that jerk when I could have been fantasizing about Jake Gyllenhaal.

05:59Circa 2008.

06:06What? So, you forgive him, but you won't forgive Jenna?

06:09Ricky and I were never exclusive. Jenna and I were friends for seven years.

06:13I showed her how to use a tampon.

06:16Oh. You're blood sisters.

06:19Hey, loser. What are you doing sitting here by yourself?

06:25Being a loser.

06:26You going to the game later?

06:27What game?

06:28The regional playoffs. It's the biggest game of the season.

06:32Oh, I'm not much of a football person. It is football, right?

06:35Yeah.

06:36Why don't you come sit with us?

06:39I had been so destroyed over the tomorrow sitch, I didn't dare let myself think about my problems with Maddie.

06:45But seeing him in the flesh made me realize I needed to set my pain bar a little higher.

06:50I'm trying to keep a low pro today.

06:52Yeah.

06:53Jenna Hamilton, where are you?

06:56Where's the birthday girl?

06:58I know you're here.

07:00I didn't give a s*** if I set off the alarm. It was a real emergency.

07:04Where do you think you're going?

07:05Jenna Hamilton is right here.

07:09Jenna Hamilton is right here.

07:11Happy birthday, Jenna.

07:13Jenna.

07:14Up until that moment, the rumors of my death wish had been greatly exaggerated.

07:20Happy birthday, girlfriend.

07:22Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. Check it out. Check it out.

07:25Little birdie told me you're the birthday girl.

07:28But don't eat so much cake that you wanna hurl.

07:31You say you don't wanna play the game.

07:33Just drop it down, sister, and blow out the flame.

07:36Or you make a wish. No, I ain't no magic fairy.

07:39I hope you like your cake because it's filled with strawberry, yo!

07:42Get it, Belle!

07:46I just wanna take this moment to say...

07:48You're still on mic. You're still on mic.

07:49Jenna Hamilton, I am so glad you're here.

07:53That made one of us.

07:55All I wanted was to spontaneously combust.

07:57And I had hoped being near an open flame would help speed up the process.

08:01Ooh, I forgot the plates.

08:07I'm gonna hold on to this.

08:09Well, uh, I gotta go, but you guys can help yourselves.

08:12I wanted to leave, but I couldn't.

08:17I had just received another gift.

08:19Of the monthly variety.

08:21And since Tamara was the keeper of the backup pants,

08:24there was no way I was getting my hands on them.

08:26Well, how long is a little while?

08:28Honey, don't force me to put a time limit on this.

08:32I'm having the carpets cleaned. It'll be done when it's done.

08:36Okay, well, come pick me up and I'll hang out on the non-carpeted areas.

08:40You can't. It's too...fumey.

08:44I just don't want you breathing in all of these toxins.

08:48It'll stunt your growth.

08:49Mom, I'm 16. I think I'm kind of done growing.

08:52Well, that is not necessarily true.

08:55My feet grew two sizes after I turned 20.

08:58As did my boobs.

08:59Yeah, but you paid for that.

09:01Find something to occupy yourself. I'll be there in a little while.

09:10My knowledge of football? Zero point zilch.

09:19But there was something comforting about disappearing into a sea of people.

09:22Oh, oh, Jenna! Come see my knee!

09:24Jenna, over here!

09:26I'm, uh, I'm with a friend.

09:30Oh, that's cool.

09:34Yeah!

09:35Hey, I thought you hated football.

09:36I do, but I didn't want to waste this awesome outfit.

09:39That it is. This sucks.

09:41I had to admit, it was nice having someone to talk to.

09:45Who would actually talk to me back?

09:47That's weird. Jenna hates football.

09:50Ricky Schwartz is a total prick.

09:55He just gave me douche chills.

09:58I have been under his spell for far too long.

10:01I have to escape from Schwartz Mountain.

10:05What are you doing?

10:06Post-game, the sanctuary is a sex palace.

10:09There comes a time in every game where you have to call the fake kneel down.

10:13Why doesn't the kicker just turn around and kick it to our team?

10:21We could do an onside kick, but the ball has to travel forward ten yards before we can recover it.

10:26Otherwise, it's a penalty for illegal touching.

10:28Oh, Lord.

10:31Hey, we're over here!

10:37Even though I had apologized, Maddie was still treating me like an a-hole.

10:42And I definitely looked the part.

10:44Oh, you missed half the game.

10:47Bye.

10:48Bye.

10:49California Grapefruit!

10:50Texas Cactus!

10:52We play your team just for practice!

10:57Go Sadie!

11:04Somebody let Hamilton out of her cage.

11:07This is a bad omen.

11:08We are totally going to lose this cage.

11:10Oh, nice!

11:12Hey, Dumpy's seriously one of the best quarterbacks we've had.

11:15I mean, he's not as accurate as Jamie.

11:17That's what made your bro all-state, but he's got a strong arm.

11:20Yep.

11:21How is Jamie?

11:22Still kicking your ass?

11:24Yeah.

11:26And he's not the only one.

11:28No wonder Maddie was treating me like a leper.

11:31Apparently, I'd really hit a nerve when I gave him a hard time at my party.

11:35Maybe I deserve to spend my birthday alone.

11:37I have to go.

11:39Jenna!

11:40Wait!

11:41Jenna!

11:42Jenna!

11:43I wanted to apologize for calling you out in the cab.

11:46Honestly, I didn't think you'd want to miss your cake.

11:47Listen, transparent social climber.

11:48Just because you can't make your own friends doesn't mean you can snake mine.

11:53The only reason Maddie and Jake can stand being around you is because they feel sorry for you.

11:58I mean, look at you.

11:59You're like something a desperate celebrity would adopt from a third world country.

12:00Happy birthday!

12:01Cheers!

12:02Sorry.

12:03Listen, transparent social climber, just because you can't make your own friends doesn't mean you can snake mine.

12:11The only reason Maddie and Jake can stand being around you is because they feel sorry for you.

12:16I mean, look at you. You're like something a desperate celebrity would adopt from a third world country.

12:22Happy birthday! Cheers!

12:27Sorry.

12:28Having been emotionally raped by the day, I was numb to Sadie's harsh words.

12:33Or maybe it was the crushed ice melting in my bra.

12:39It's her birthday.

12:42You're welcome.

12:44Hey, Mom, it's me.

12:58Okay, call me when you get this or just come pick me up. In case you're wondering, I am calling from hell.

13:05Hey, nice moves, Hamilton. Where's your boyfriend?

13:07He's picking me up in his chariot.

13:09You, uh, you need a ride to the after party?

13:13It's a private party.

13:15I'm cool.

13:17Maddie's not going either, so he could give you a ride.

13:19That's okay. My mom should be here any minute.

13:21No, McKibben, take the girl home.

13:22Butt out, Rosati. She said she wants to wait for her mommy.

13:27Did you fail your driver's test?

13:30I'll give you a ride.

13:40So just stay straight up here.

13:41Yeah, I got it.

13:42And then just take off.

13:43I know where you live.

13:48So...

13:49I'm sorry about what I said to you at my party.

13:51I didn't mean it, okay?

13:52I don't think you're too good for me.

13:53No, it's okay. You were right.

13:57I mean, I don't think I'm too good for you.

13:59But I do care too much about what other people think.

14:03Everybody does.

14:04It's the thing, Jenna, you don't.

14:06That's why it bummed me out, because...

14:10You said it.

14:11It kills me that you think of me that way.

14:13I don't.

14:15I know you're a good person.

14:17Can I ask you something?

14:19Yeah.

14:21What's up with those socks?

14:23Clown college.

14:24Uh-huh.

14:25I go at night.

14:26Seriously.

14:29I put them on this morning for good luck.

14:31And now I am convinced they're cursed.

14:34I'm gonna hand them over.

14:35Come on.

14:38It's about time.

14:43No more bad luck.

14:52So you and me, we're cool?

14:55Yeah, we're good.

14:57Friends?

15:01Totally.

15:02My first birthday wish had come back to bite me in the ass.

15:05When I asked for my friends back, I should have specified I wanted Maddie back as the boyfriend variety.

15:11Thanks for the ride.

15:12No problem.

15:32Keep your eyes closed.

15:33Sorry for leaving you stranded, but you will forgive me when you see what your birthday gift is.

15:41Happy birthday!

15:45Isn't it perfect?

15:47Yep.

15:48Perfect.

15:49For entertaining clients as a highly paid escort.

15:52Okay, check this out.

15:54Sunny.

15:56Sultry.

15:57Oh.

15:58Sorted.

16:01Cool, huh?

16:02I thought it was about time that you had a grown-up bedroom.

16:06Oh!

16:07And there's one more special feature.

16:09Now, lie back.

16:16Want to know the best thing about having a mirror on your ceiling?

16:20I...

16:21I can't imagine.

16:23You can do your makeup in bed.

16:25Ugh.

16:27When I was 16, I would have killed for a bedroom like this.

16:33Thanks, Mom.

16:35Oh.

16:39Is that what you wore on your special day?

16:42There it was.

16:43My mom's birthday insult.

16:45My day was complete.

16:47Where's my stuff?

16:49I put it in that box.

16:50Now.

16:52I am gonna leave you two alone to get to know each other.

16:57Happy birthday!

16:59Sixteen years on the planet, and all I had to show for it was one box.

17:03It was time for a virtual escape.

17:07Straight up peachy.

17:10Scandalous.

17:16Hi, Sassy.

17:19What's the problem?

17:20You're my problem.

17:21I've been raging against my best friend and letting you off the hook when you're just as guilty.

17:26So, stop flirting with me. Stop texting me.

17:28Don't ever look at me again!

17:30Unless you're waiting for a flute cue from Mr. Roboto.

17:32I don't want your skinny ass in my life anymore, Ricky Schwartz.

17:35This flirtationship is over. Game over!

17:40You're so hot right now.

17:41It took her a while, but Molly Ringwald figured it out.

17:58Lesson learned.

18:00You shouldn't be afraid to be who you are, because even hot guys will like you if you like yourself.

18:05Clearly, I had been going about things all wrong.

18:07How was I supposed to be accepted by everybody else, when I hadn't even accepted myself?

18:17Jenna, as you are now, you could disappear and no one would notice.

18:22Truth was, sometimes I wanted to disappear.

18:25But I wasn't going to.

18:26I thought 16 was setting itself up to be the worst year of my life.

18:35But I was born at 7.32pm, which meant I was still 15.

18:40I forgot something.

18:45Happy birthday.

18:47What have I got when I won't let go?

18:50What happened to your room?

18:52I was still 15.

18:54I was still 15.

18:57I forgot something.

18:59Happy birthday.

19:02Happy birthday.

19:03What have I got when I won't let go?

19:08What happened to your room?

19:11My mother.

19:13It gets better.

19:19Your mom did this.

19:21Don't ask me to explain, because I can't.

19:23I lied to you in the car.

19:34I don't want to be friends.

19:40I want to be more.

19:48As far as I was concerned, 15 could suck it.

19:50Because 16, well it was starting off pretty damn good.

20:03Next on Awkward.

20:05Were you ever going to tell me you kissed my best friend?

20:07I didn't kiss Jake.

20:08He practically walked into my face.

20:10Will he go out with me?

20:11He's grooming you in private so he can take you public.

20:13He must think I'm ready because we're going out tonight in public.

20:16I don't care how many fro-yos he buys you, Jake can't be trusted.

20:20What are you doing here?

20:21What are you doing here?

20:50We have time for this.

20:51Do I have time for this.

20:52We will see you at the side.

20:53We will see you at the side.

20:57If you look at the front, we can turn it off.

20:59Where are you going to go and turn it off?

21:00Here we are on our side.

21:02We are going to take care of all the guys who work here.

21:04What are you doing here?

21:05We are going to take care of all the guys that are in the room.

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