Skip to playerSkip to main content
VidShow
  • 2 days ago
Have I Got News for You S70 E05

Category

😹
Fun
Transcript
00:00I'll be right back.
00:30Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:38I'm Jason Manford. In the news this week,
00:41in a bid to speed up their house-building programme,
00:43government scientists design a special sand and cement mix
00:46complete with its own tool.
00:55LAUGHTER
00:56On a rare visit to Clacton,
01:02Nigel Farage holds a press conference to rubbish predictions
01:04of rising sea levels.
01:07LAUGHTER
01:08And amid budget cuts at the BBC,
01:13Michael Portillo's producer is spotted on a recce
01:15for the new series of Great British Railway Journeys.
01:18Here we go.
01:20LAUGHTER
01:21On Ian's team tonight is a comedian, former English teacher,
01:32an actor who claims to know A Christmas Carol off by Heart,
01:35which is not that impressive, I know loads of them.
01:37Please welcome Laura Smith!
01:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:41And Paul's team tonight is a Labour MP who was Transport Minister
01:46for just five months before having to resign.
01:49A rare example of a Transport Minister being involved
01:51in any sort of speedy departure.
01:53Please welcome Louise Haig!
01:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:59That's it.
01:59Be nice now.
02:00LAUGHTER
02:01Same joke.
02:02Same joke.
02:02I'm going to say.
02:05Hold on, hold on.
02:06Guys, hold on.
02:07Breaking news.
02:08By the look of it.
02:09Yeah.
02:10What was that?
02:11He didn't say.
02:12LAUGHTER
02:14This is the news that Andrew is no longer a prince.
02:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:20The bad news is he's become king.
02:28Yeah.
02:29LAUGHTER
02:31OK, go.
02:35What else is he losing?
02:37Is it the house?
02:38Yeah.
02:39And he's losing the love of the public.
02:42LAUGHTER
02:44Yeah, he's losing his lease on Royal Lodge.
02:47Yeah, there he is, yeah.
02:49So...
02:50Yeah, there's someone moving in.
02:51LAUGHTER
02:52I've heard Rachel Reeves has got a place to rent, though.
02:59Where's he going?
03:00Erm...
03:01Siberia's nice this time of year.
03:03LAUGHTER
03:04He's actually moving to the Sandringham Estate in Norfolk.
03:06Oh.
03:07Ooh.
03:08What have the people of Sandringham done?
03:09LAUGHTER
03:10I don't know.
03:11I don't know.
03:12That is where they keep the turkeys, though, isn't it, all that way?
03:14LAUGHTER
03:16LAUGHTER
03:18King Charles seems to have had enough, finally.
03:21Yeah, this policy of letting Andrew announce...
03:23A what?
03:24The policy of letting...
03:25Oh, announce.
03:26Sorry.
03:27LAUGHTER
03:28What's going to happen to himself hasn't gone so well.
03:40It's like salami slicing.
03:41People wanted...
03:42That's what they should do to him.
03:43Yeah.
03:44LAUGHTER
03:45Crikey, that was exciting, wasn't it?
03:46Bit of breaking news.
03:47Does it say what's happening to Fergie?
03:48Unless it doesn't say it on that card, then no, it doesn't.
03:49But I'm sure someone will tell us later.
03:50Just Google it when we finish.
03:51LAUGHTER
03:52It's not as much fun, really.
03:53Oh, someone just told me in my ear that she's going to have to make her own arrangements.
03:58Oh.
03:59Oh.
04:00Yeah.
04:01Budgie, the helicopter's going to fly in.
04:02Yeah.
04:03Yeah.
04:04Take her away.
04:05I can see the Prince Andrew...
04:06Sorry.
04:07The Andrew Mountbatten jokes going on.
04:08Newly minted.
04:09Newly minted jokes, yeah.
04:10This is the news that Andrew has lost all his titles.
04:13It's humiliating.
04:14I've got tins of tuna chunks in the cupboard that can still legally call themselves princes.
04:20LAUGHTER
04:21There you go.
04:22All right.
04:23According to the statement from Buckingham Palace, Prince Andrew has been forced to give
04:27up all his styles, titles and honours.
04:29However, he does get to keep his Pizza Express loyalty card.
04:33LAUGHTER
04:34APPLAUSE
04:35Right, on to the other news this week. Paul and Louise, have a look at this.
04:40Right.
04:41Keystone Cops, notoriously inefficient policemen.
04:44We've got Shabana, Mahmood and David Lammy. They've had a stressful week for us.
04:48Farage looking smug.
04:51Keir Starmer looking at an alternative reality where we're riding high in the polls.
04:55So, no bitterness then.
05:10All fine, yeah, yeah.
05:12What do you reckon then?
05:13Well, it's all going swimmingly.
05:15I think we can move on to the next question.
05:17Do you reckon?
05:19Yeah, this is the continued bumbling and bungling
05:22of Keir Starmer's government.
05:24And let's go through the fiasco at Chelmsford Prison as well, shall we?
05:28They managed to let out a sex offender.
05:31He'd only just been put in jail.
05:33And he didn't say, let me back in, and they said, no, no, off you go.
05:36No.
05:38And you'd think, given that he was in jail,
05:40fairly major rioting in the country,
05:42you might keep an eye on him.
05:44I don't know.
05:46Just have a look.
05:48This is just an appalling mistake.
05:50And it's the same week as a bloke who was deported back to France
05:54decided he'd come back again.
05:56So, on the whole, the prison service and the Home Office
05:59hasn't been great.
06:01Essentially, he was released, and after a few hours in Chelmsford
06:03on a Friday night, he was trying to get back in.
06:05And he said, no, no, no, no.
06:07No.
06:09He was trying to get back in.
06:11I mean, they gave him £500 in order for him not to appeal again
06:15for asylum.
06:16Right.
06:17We have to bribe people, sex offenders, to leave the country.
06:20Anyway, he'll be back.
06:22He'll be in Dover next week.
06:24What did he acquire when he got to London,
06:27which may have led to his identification?
06:29Was it in a £500 coat?
06:31LAUGHTER
06:32That was his avocado tote bag.
06:34Avocado tote bag, yeah.
06:35Who says integration is failing?
06:37I mean, it's London.
06:38I might be the most London thing I've ever heard in my life.
06:41Although, if you can get yourself a grey tracksuit
06:43and an avocado tote bag in the next five minutes,
06:45you've got the most up-to-date Halloween costume you've ever seen.
06:48LAUGHTER
06:53What did Justice Secretary David Lammy say caused the problem?
06:58Him?
06:59LAUGHTER
07:00Human error.
07:01Which is also the reason David Lammy is Justice Secretary.
07:04LAUGHTER
07:05The IT system is also failing.
07:07According to the Eye,
07:08prison officials are using a pencil and paper
07:11to work out sentences and release dates.
07:14I should think that's more efficient than IT.
07:16Yeah.
07:17LAUGHTER
07:18Why not?
07:19It is, to be honest, yeah.
07:20No-one can hack it, can there?
07:21Don't let this one out.
07:23He's a sex offender.
07:24LAUGHTER
07:25Who pointed out that this isn't the first time
07:28that Chelmsford Prison have released someone by mistake?
07:31Was it Suella Brabberman?
07:32It was Suella Brabberman.
07:34She tweeted, like, quite street language, actually.
07:38This is joke, surely?
07:40LAUGHTER
07:41Then somebody pointed out,
07:43Suella Brabberman has deleted this,
07:45possibly because she was Home Secretary when it happened.
07:48LAUGHTER
07:49Three companies have made a lot of money
07:51from housing asylum seekers in hotels.
07:53£4.6 billion.
07:56Yeah.
07:57To be precise.
07:58What decisive action has Keir Starmer taken to cut costs?
08:02Opening up military establishments.
08:04There's one in Sussex, I think.
08:06Yeah, Barracks.
08:07Yeah.
08:08No, it's true.
08:09LAUGHTER
08:11APPLAUSE
08:13Oh, you got me!
08:17You got me, girl!
08:19They've already identified one handily placed camp,
08:21Cameron Barracks, just outside London.
08:23LAUGHTER
08:27Staying with immigration concerns,
08:29what upset residents in Lydney in the Forest of Dean recently?
08:33Hmm.
08:34Houses with a cross of St George or Union flags outside
08:38have been sent false letters from the council telling them
08:41that they've been chosen to accommodate asylum seekers in their homes.
08:45LAUGHTER
08:46The letter read...
08:48As staunch patriots, we know you would be proud to help your country...
08:53LAUGHTER
08:54..in times of difficulty.
08:56The letter refers to the asylum seekers coming from a Muslim tribe
08:59called Faraj.
09:00LAUGHTER
09:02Rachel Reeves, what do you think is going to happen to her?
09:10Well, she made a mistake.
09:12She's been exonerated and the Prime Minister was absolutely right
09:15to accept her apology.
09:16Do you think people who make mistakes should be exonerated, or...?
09:19Well, the Prime Minister was equally magnanimous with me,
09:21which is why I'm really delighted I'm still serving as Transport Secretary.
09:24LAUGHTER
09:30It wasn't a mistake, really, it was a conviction for fraud.
09:33It was, and it was, you know, really, you know, obviously humiliating,
09:36embarrassing, I, you know, held my...
09:38Is the word wrong going to come up?
09:39It was wrong, no, I made a mistake.
09:41I, you know, held my hands up, I got my conditional discharge.
09:44Did Keir know, though?
09:45He did, I told him about it when I was...
09:47So, he, when he said further information has come to light
09:51and then fired you, he was lying, was he?
09:53Well, he never told me what the further information was.
09:55She did actually get mugged, didn't you?
09:56Yeah, so...
09:57She didn't actually do the mugging.
09:58No.
09:59Which is worse.
10:00She did the fraud, though.
10:01So, you were Transport Minister?
10:03I was the Transport Secretary.
10:04Can I ask you something?
10:05Hmm?
10:06On Tuesday, White...
10:10No.
10:11I didn't touch my oyster between...
10:16Between the Overground and the Victoria Line at Black Horse Road.
10:19You didn't touch your oyster?
10:20I touched the oyster.
10:21I didn't touch my oyster card.
10:25Oh, it's a card.
10:26Oh, yes, no, it's a card.
10:27Do you think I'll be all right?
10:28I think Ian's got a quick joke for transport fraud for you.
10:34No, I'll let you do them.
10:36There we go.
10:37All right.
10:38Well, let's get back to Rachel Reeves.
10:39Do you know what she's actually accused of?
10:40She didn't get a licence to rent her house out while she's moved into number 11 Downing Street, but the estate agent has come forward today.
10:56What? An estate agent lied?
10:57No, he said it was his fault.
10:58So an estate agent's told the truth?
10:59That's the biggest news story here.
11:00She is Chancellor of the Exchequer.
11:01You'd think there'd be someone in the Labour Party who would check up on the housing details of its major players.
11:15I mean, there's Angela Rayner, there's this. Does no-one look at it? I'm not bloody lawyers in the government.
11:24The really huge news last week was the election of the deputy leader of the Labour Party.
11:29Cracky.
11:30That huge news is doing a lot of heavy lifting there.
11:34Lucy Powell is technically second in command, but she's not in the Cabinet because Keir sacked her.
11:40It's funny because I thought we banned fire and rehire.
11:45Lucy Powell is a friend of yours.
11:46She is, a good friend of mine.
11:47She's great.
11:48And she's Andy Burnham's mate?
11:49We've got lots of friends.
11:50We're a big Labour family.
11:51No, of course.
11:52And when you say you support the Labour government, do you support Keir?
11:55Yeah, of course.
11:56He's the Prime Minister.
11:57You're good at this fraud stuff.
12:02Lucy Powell also said that Labour has allowed Nigel Farage to run away with the
12:09political megaphone.
12:11Is that why the by-election results in carefully went so badly wrong?
12:15I actually have the official line that was being briefed from the party
12:18afterwards, which was the good news was that reform can be beaten.
12:22The bad news is just not by us.
12:26Swings and roundabouts.
12:28The only consolation for Labour is the Conservatives did much worse,
12:31and then the party's gagmeister-in-chief, Chris Philp.
12:35Couldn't remember the name of the leader of the Conservatives in Wales.
12:39Would you like to see this video?
12:41Who was the leader of Wales?
12:42Previously.
12:43She...
12:44She...
12:45She was...
12:46She was never...
12:47She was...
12:48She was never Prime Minister.
12:49If you don't know, you can say.
12:50We now have a new programme to take to the country.
12:52And I'm optimistic and positive about the future.
12:54If you don't know, you can say.
12:56Who is the leader of the Welsh Tories?
12:58I've been explaining our positive...
13:02You don't know, Johan.
13:04Just...
13:05I've asked you four times.
13:0637.
13:0737 new policies we have.
13:08I know.
13:09I know, I'm counting.
13:1037 new policies we set out.
13:11I'll just ask a fifth time.
13:12Who is the leader of the Welsh Conservatives?
13:14I've explained that we've got a positive new programme...
13:19If you don't know, you can say.
13:20It's totally fine.
13:21...in the months and years ahead.
13:23Just the sixth one.
13:25We've got a relatively new leader and I'm afraid...
13:27I'm afraid...
13:28I'm afraid the name...
13:29I'm afraid the name escapes me.
13:30LAUGHTER
13:31Oh, wow!
13:32Oh!
13:33He should have just come straight in, I don't know,
13:35and neither does anybody else.
13:36That's what I'm saying.
13:37Or just had a guess.
13:38Jones?
13:39Yeah.
13:40Just another one.
13:41Something Jones?
13:42Who is it?
13:43I've no idea.
13:44LAUGHTER
13:46Who has been a bit coy about possibly defecting to reform?
13:52Kirstom?
13:53No.
13:54LAUGHTER
13:55He's being quite coy.
13:57Liz Truss.
13:58There you go, yeah.
13:59Oh!
14:00Liz Truss, yeah.
14:01Can you imagine how keen reform are to have her?
14:03LAUGHTER
14:05Asked if she would be joining reform, she didn't rule out,
14:08offering my services to Nigel Farah.
14:11LAUGHTER
14:12Oh...
14:14LAUGHTER
14:16LAUGHTER
14:18Now, who would like a bit of Christmas cheer?
14:21Yes!
14:22CHEERING
14:23Who's starring in panto in Islington this Christmas?
14:26Jeremy Corbyn.
14:27It's Jeremy Corbyn.
14:28LAUGHTER
14:30Oh, no, he isn't.
14:32Oh, yes, he is.
14:34And where's his career?
14:36Here he is.
14:42One of those red lights is unfortunately placed.
14:48LAUGHTER
14:51He's bringing the magic from his other triumphant roles,
14:53Widow Trotsky, Mother Gulag and Bolshevik Whittington.
14:58LAUGHTER
15:00But what, according to the press release, will Jeremy bring?
15:03A certain uneasiness.
15:05LAUGHTER
15:08The press release says,
15:09Jeremy Corbyn will bring a touch of local sparkle.
15:12LAUGHTER
15:13It's like a raunchy panto, isn't it?
15:15It's like an X-rated panto.
15:17Is it?
15:18Oh!
15:19Raunchy Jeremy Corbyn.
15:20Oh.
15:21I should have saved me dry heave for this bit.
15:24LAUGHTER
15:25I'll do it, I'll do it.
15:27LAUGHTER
15:28This is yet more trouble for Keir Starmer.
15:31The bungling at the Home Office continues.
15:33Home Secretary Shibana Mahmood told the BBC,
15:36I've pulled every lever to deport Mr Kabatoo.
15:39Unfortunately, the first lever to be pulled
15:41was the one that opened the prison gates.
15:43LAUGHTER
15:44It's pretty unusual for a sex offender to be allowed to walk free,
15:47said a spokesperson for the royal family.
15:49LAUGHTER
15:52APPLAUSE
15:53Ian and Laura, here's yours.
15:58That's the Argentinian president,
16:01and that's him with a chainsaw.
16:03Oh, he's a vibe.
16:05LAUGHTER
16:06He's just won some mid-term elections
16:08and everyone thought his policies of austerity
16:11and cutting services wouldn't work.
16:14But luckily, President Trump bailed him out for $40 billion.
16:17So they worked!
16:19Yes, who knew?
16:20And also, Millet's career is even weirder than Trump's.
16:23I mean, he was a tantric sex consultant for a while.
16:26Oh, my gosh.
16:27I mean, you know, it's...
16:29That dry heave's coming back again, I can't.
16:31LAUGHTER
16:32How does he use the chainsaw for all that, then?
16:34LAUGHTER
16:35Set on low vibrate, I imagine.
16:37LAUGHTER
16:38So the chainsaw is about cutting things?
16:43It's a symbol of austerity.
16:45I mean, Keir Starmer is going to try it.
16:47Yeah.
16:48But he probably won't be able to start it.
16:51Yeah.
16:52LAUGHTER
16:54On the subject of unlikely political comebacks,
16:56who's reappeared on the scene in America?
16:58Er, Kamala Harris.
16:59Yep.
17:00This week announced that she might run for president again.
17:02Why should she probably not?
17:04LAUGHTER
17:06Didn't work out too well last week.
17:08Yes.
17:09Survey of American voters shows that Kamala Harris
17:11is polling worse than The Rock.
17:14LAUGHTER
17:15Is The Rock polling particularly poorly?
17:17Well, considering he's not even thinking about running...
17:20LAUGHTER
17:21I think The Rock would be good.
17:23I like The Rock.
17:24Who's he?
17:25Dwayne The Rock Johnson.
17:26Do you smell what The Rock is cooking?
17:28Jumanji?
17:29Jumanji 2?
17:30What?
17:31Oh, I know.
17:32Can I just point out you're wasting your time?
17:35LAUGHTER
17:39Excuse me.
17:40Is there someone called The Paper and The Scissors?
17:42LAUGHTER
17:44What has Trump said about the next presidential election in 2028?
17:49He may consider running for it.
17:50Yeah, he's refusing to rule out running.
17:52I mean, he's building the big ballroom.
17:54I don't know...
17:55That feels like he's making renovations for himself.
17:57No-one else wants it.
17:58And he's putting up an arch.
17:59An arch de triomphe.
18:01Yeah.
18:02In Washington.
18:03To celebrate himself.
18:04Someone said, what's this arch for?
18:06And he said, it's for me.
18:07And he doesn't even bother to pretend he's not taking the piss.
18:10LAUGHTER
18:11Like all arches, there's a hole in the middle.
18:13It's an arch hole.
18:14LAUGHTER
18:15Very good.
18:16APPLAUSE
18:18Where has Donald Trump been hanging around?
18:21Japan!
18:22That's something by surprise.
18:24LAUGHTER
18:25Yeah, in the Far East.
18:26Trump had to use all his willpower not to take offence
18:29to a joke from Malaysian PM, Anwar Ibrahim.
18:32We share a lot of things in common.
18:34I was in prison, but he almost got there.
18:37LAUGHTER
18:38APPLAUSE
18:40Good for him.
18:49What's been coming out of the White House this week
18:51that surprised everyone?
18:53I'll give you a clue.
18:54It's an unusual answer to a question.
18:57Yeah, it was a journalist asked who organised the meeting,
19:00supposedly, between Putin and Trump.
19:02And she said, your mum.
19:04LAUGHTER
19:06And that's the White House spokesman.
19:10Yes.
19:11That's what you should have said when they asked about the phone.
19:14Who here? Who done it? Your mum.
19:16LAUGHTER
19:18Closer to home.
19:19What has the Japanese ambassador to the UK been learning?
19:23He's been touring around.
19:24He's rather brilliant.
19:25He's trying to learn all sorts of British things, isn't he?
19:27That's right.
19:28The ambassador, Hiroshi Suzuki, went to Liverpool last week
19:31to learn how to be a Scouse.
19:34LAUGHTER
19:35Here he is enjoying a bowl of Scouse.
19:39Just one bowl.
19:40That's post-scram.
19:41LAUGHTER
19:42I love that. So good.
19:56That's right.
19:57This is Argentinian President Xavier Millet,
20:00who has just won midterm elections.
20:02Keir Starmer faces some tricky local elections next year.
20:06Maybe he needs to be a bit more like this.
20:08LAUGHTER
20:09We know Keir's got it in with a toolmaker.
20:12LAUGHTER
20:13So, at the end of that round, two points each.
20:18APPLAUSE
20:19Oh, yes, look at that.
20:21Are you vaping?
20:23LAUGHTER
20:24So, to round two, the cauldron of news.
20:27Right, fingers on buzzers, teams.
20:28Yeah.
20:29That is boss scram.
20:30LAUGHTER
20:31Yes, Louise.
20:32I know this one.
20:33Hyde Park have cancelled the dog Halloween costume competition
20:37because it's too popular.
20:38That's exactly the right answer.
20:39How did fans of the Halloween event react?
20:40In horror.
20:41Yeah.
20:42Oh, rage.
20:43The spokesperson for the event called the Royal Parks Killjoys.
20:45Here's the spokesperson.
20:46LAUGHTER
20:47Who is that?
20:48Chucky.
20:49Yeah, it's a film.
20:50Has it got The Rock in it?
20:51I thought it was Ed Sheeran.
20:52Yeah.
20:53I thought it was Ed Sheeran.
20:54LAUGHTER
20:55Despite the ban, more than 200 owners and their dogs still turned
20:58on.
20:59How did fans of the Halloween event react?
21:01In horror.
21:02Yeah.
21:03Oh, rage.
21:04Yeah, the spokesperson for the event called the Royal Parks Killjoys.
21:06Here's the spokesperson.
21:07LAUGHTER
21:08Who is that?
21:10Chucky.
21:11Yeah, it's a film.
21:12Has it got The Rock in it?
21:14LAUGHTER
21:15I thought it was Ed Sheeran.
21:17LAUGHTER
21:18Despite the ban, more than 200 owners and their dogs still turned
21:24up, including one rather suspicious-looking sausage dog wearing
21:27an elaborate costume.
21:29LAUGHTER
21:31Member of the reform party.
21:33LAUGHTER
21:38In related news, how did Gloucestershire Council decide to
21:42celebrate Halloween this year?
21:44Do they sort of project images, strange ghostly images on council
21:47buildings?
21:48No.
21:49Council's Heritage Hub posted on their social media,
21:51Are you carving a pumpkin this Halloween?
21:53Accompanied by this picture from the archives of the Gloucestershire
21:56Citizen newspaper.
21:57LAUGHTER
21:58Horrible.
21:59I used to go out of her system.
22:02LAUGHTER
22:04This is the news that the Royal Parks have cancelled an annual
22:08Halloween walk for sausage dogs.
22:10The event has been cancelled over fears of overcrowding.
22:12Well, if you're going to advertise on Facebook for a dogging event
22:14in a Royal Park, it's going to be popular.
22:16LAUGHTER
22:17Time now for the odd-one-out round.
22:19Just one between you this week.
22:21They are Terry Boot, Hubert Legal, Sam Sung and Zoe Hamburger.
22:28BUZZER
22:29OK, the top right, did you say Hubert Legal?
22:31Hubert Legal.
22:32Right, I think those could be law books behind him.
22:34So I think their jobs are reflected in their name.
22:36So Terry Boots is a shoemaker.
22:38The hamburger woman, probably CEO of a burger company.
22:41Him, Sam Sung, is the company he works for,
22:44and that makes him the odd one out,
22:46whereas everybody else has got a surname,
22:48the details of the job that they do.
22:49I'm going to give you that.
22:50That was very close.
22:51Yeah, very good.
22:52Very good.
22:53Well, I'm right.
22:55Yeah, yeah.
22:56They've all got an occupationally appropriate name,
22:58except for Sam Sung, who's got an occupationally inappropriate name.
23:02Oh, right.
23:03Where might the name Sam Sung be considered inappropriate?
23:06iPhone.
23:07Yeah, he works for Apple.
23:09LAUGHTER
23:10He's now moved to a luggage firm under the name Sam Sunite.
23:15LAUGHTER
23:16Until last month, Zoe Hamburger was chief restaurant officer
23:20at McDonald's UK.
23:22Restaurant?
23:23LAUGHTER
23:24It should be inverted commas.
23:26Zoe Hamburger has worked at McDonald's her entire career.
23:30Yes.
23:31She's now left her role.
23:32She didn't like the sesame seeds on it.
23:34Yay!
23:36Let's talk about Hubert Legal.
23:38What about him?
23:39He's a loyal or a solicitor?
23:40He spent eight years as director general of the EU's legal service.
23:44Yes.
23:45On his appointment, the Guardian ran the headline,
23:47Legal, the EU's New Legal Eagle.
23:50I bet they were so chuffed with that.
23:53Oh, very funny, Giles.
23:55LAUGHTER
23:57Terry Boot is the finance director of the shop Shoe Zone.
24:01Cobblers.
24:02LAUGHTER
24:03Who did Terry Boot replace in the role?
24:07Was it George Plimsoll?
24:09LAUGHTER
24:10William Trainers.
24:11Peter Foote?
24:12Peter Foote!
24:13LAUGHTER
24:14It's mad, isn't it?
24:16LAUGHTER
24:17These aren't the only examples of nominative determinism out there.
24:20Shall we play a quick game?
24:22I'm going to show you a picture of a person and tell you their profession.
24:26I want you to tell me what their name is.
24:28Fantastic.
24:29Here's your first one.
24:30What's the name of this man?
24:31He's the president of the Royal Horticultural Society.
24:34Bob Bush.
24:36No.
24:37William Privet.
24:38LAUGHTER
24:39Phil Weed.
24:40I'm going to give you that.
24:41What was it?
24:42It's actually Keith Weed.
24:43Keith Weed.
24:44Keith Weed.
24:45Brilliant.
24:46When he was younger, he ran a drug business.
24:49Yeah.
24:50It does sound like someone who's in your phone.
24:52LAUGHTER
24:54OK, next one.
24:55What was the name of this former Archbishop of Manila?
24:58He was Cardinal Sin.
24:59It was Cardinal Sin, yeah.
25:01LAUGHTER
25:03Finally, we get round to my special subject.
25:06Yeah.
25:07International prelates.
25:09Is it true that there was a Cardinal Sokola who was in the running
25:13to be Pope one year and, in the end, they decided that they
25:16couldn't make him Pope because he'd be...
25:18Pope's a cola sicker.
25:19LAUGHTER
25:20I don't know if it's an urban myth or it's a real story, but...
25:23No, there was one called On A Rope and they didn't make him Pope.
25:26LAUGHTER
25:27LAUGHTER
25:32Finally, who's this?
25:33Soviet gold medal-winning hurdler?
25:35Um, Katja Lipski.
25:37LAUGHTER
25:38It's Marina Stepanova.
25:40LAUGHTER
25:42So good.
25:44So good.
25:45Whoop!
25:46Too good.
25:47Time now for the missing words round.
25:49And we start with...
25:55Is it, forget about it?
25:57LAUGHTER
25:58What do you think, Louise?
25:59You've got the most stressful job out of all of us.
26:00Yeah.
26:01Well, not come on, have I got news for you with Ian Hislop.
26:04LAUGHTER
26:06The answer is...
26:07Oh.
26:08According to scientists that looking at displays in art galleries
26:10is very relaxing.
26:11As long as you can shut out the sound of a load of men
26:13with angle grinders escaping on a cherry picker.
26:15LAUGHTER
26:16Next, pensioner who what says, I couldn't believe it.
26:18Pensioner who tried, I can't believe it's not butter,
26:20says I couldn't believe it.
26:21LAUGHTER
26:22He's now going to try to follow up, fuck me, it's jam.
26:25LAUGHTER
26:26Do you know what, I'm going to give you a point for that.
26:27LAUGHTER
26:28I am.
26:29Pensioner who found mould in fresh pack of butter,
26:31says I couldn't believe it.
26:32Oh, right.
26:33The butter containing black mould was discovered by pensioner
26:37Margaret Brain.
26:38I'm not 100% sure, but I think she might be a member of the local
26:53Amdram Society.
26:55LAUGHTER
26:57Finally, Kent residents furious at playground which what?
27:01Backs onto a cliff.
27:03LAUGHTER
27:04Ken residents furious at playground which consists of single log.
27:10LAUGHTER
27:11Have a look at it.
27:13LAUGHTER
27:14The property management company has received dozens of complaints
27:17from angry residents and two nominations for the Turner Prize.
27:21LAUGHTER
27:23So, the final scores are...
27:25Ian and Laura have three, Paul and Louise have seven!
27:29APPLAUSE
27:31But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
27:37Public school boys queue up for their daily dose of anti-wanker medicine.
27:42LAUGHTER
27:44You think that's funny? That's my school photo.
27:49LAUGHTER
27:50On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Laura Smith,
27:54Paul Merton and Louise Haig MP, and I leave you with the news that,
27:57at a trade conference in Worcester, the photographer arrives just seconds
28:01after Keir Starmer left.
28:04LAUGHTER
28:07The Pope regrets trying to hastily mend a broken vase with superglue
28:10just minutes before meeting the Vatican crowds.
28:13LAUGHTER
28:15And in Washington, after a state banquet, there's quite a discussion
28:20about who's going to have to share the car with J.D. Vance.
28:25LAUGHTER
28:27Good night.
28:29APPLAUSE
28:41The Welshman with a big voice and a remarkable life.
28:44Tom Jones is reminiscing, in my own words, on iPlayer now.
28:48While on sounds, they've added you to the group chat,
28:50unfiltered convo with besties Roman and Tom in You About.
28:55How are you? It's Alan Partridge, coming up next on BBC One.
29:00APPLAUSE
Be the first to comment
Add your comment