- 5 months ago
Dave & Chuck the Freak talk about how Jason killed a spider in the hallway but left the body there because he doesn't want to pick it up. When Dave challenges him to do it, he can't. And then, Cort steps up and outmans him!
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00:00You know, I think coffee tastes like shit.
00:02Hey, why don't you try a five-hour energy shot instead, dude?
00:05Same caffeine as coffee, zero sugar, and 17 flavors.
00:09Hey, thanks!
00:10Now what?
00:11I had some garlic bread last night.
00:13You better leave me alone with this mug.
00:19It is Dave and Chuck the Freak here on this Thursday, the 17th.
00:24Nope, it's the 18th.
00:25Pardon my math.
00:26It's the 18th day of September.
00:28It is.
00:28And with Jumpy Jason here, we are going to...
00:32Jumpy Jason?
00:33It is a little jumpy today.
00:34He's always jumpy.
00:35He's always jumpy.
00:36What did I do to jump today?
00:37You know, yesterday at the end of the show, we did It Sucks to be Old.
00:41Yeah.
00:42So, of course, as I teased that, the jingle's in my head.
00:45So when I turned the corner here to go out of the room during a commercial break, I just
00:49was like...
00:50And he jumped right out of his skin.
00:55You don't expect it.
00:56No.
00:56It's just...
00:57No, it's right.
01:04What the hell, man?
01:05I know.
01:06Just bust through doors.
01:07Just nuts.
01:09I mean, I'd love it if you came down here and hummed some Glenn Miller for me.
01:12Yeah.
01:12Yeah.
01:13Save that for Al, Dave.
01:15So, yeah.
01:15He was like, what the hell, man?
01:17Yeah.
01:17Well, what the hell, man?
01:18I'm just humming.
01:19I'm just singing.
01:20Ba-da-da-ba-ba-boop-boop-a-dee-da-loo.
01:22I'll start doing the Charleston.
01:25Yeah, get to get some canes and have a good little time.
01:30You haven't learned to tune him out yet.
01:31No.
01:32No.
01:32Lisa just pretends I don't exist.
01:33No, I don't.
01:35That's how it works.
01:35No, I just have learned through the years.
01:37Just let him go.
01:38Let him be used to it.
01:40I can't do it.
01:41I can't stop it.
01:42It's my crazy brain just makes me do it.
01:44I get it.
01:44I talk about something, it starts something in my head, and I got to get it out.
01:48They kind of take turns, like, weirdly startling each other.
01:51Like, that's what, that's the dynamic.
01:54That's what they do.
01:54I will admit, he did get me earlier this week.
01:58Yeah, he did.
01:59Because normally when I, where was I?
02:04Well, you were.
02:05Like, at the break, sometimes I'm already out of here.
02:07Yes.
02:07Right?
02:07Like, I've already left.
02:09Yeah.
02:09But he came in to make his espresso or whatever, and I was, like, over here huddled so he couldn't
02:14see me.
02:15But I had a question, so I was just like, hey, dude.
02:17And he was like, ah!
02:20And then I screamed because I won.
02:24Yeah, he was so excited.
02:25I had all sorts of plans to get you back.
02:26But then he just came in humming, doodle-a-bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop.
02:30And scared the bejesus out of you again.
02:32I just wasn't expecting it.
02:34So it's up and down.
02:35It's up and down all the time.
02:36Yeah.
02:36All the time.
02:37So two for Dave, one for Jason.
02:39Yeah.
02:39Okay, if we're keeping score, I'll keep my plan in place.
02:42You know how you were talking about-
02:44Watch the ceilings.
02:44That you had, like, a dead animal in the back, and you had to have your kid.
02:48You used it as a teaching moment.
02:50Yeah.
02:50So I've been walking out this way, and I've noticed on the wall that there's a spider carcass.
02:59Yes.
02:59Oh, you were killing.
03:00I killed it.
03:01You killed it.
03:02But you left it like the dead.
03:05That's the second one I've left in the building.
03:07You didn't believe me that I killed one in the hallway the other day.
03:09Yeah, because conveniently, as I'm walking by, I was like, oh, a spider.
03:12I'll get it, Dave.
03:13I did.
03:14Killed it.
03:14And what's crazy, our carpet, they camouflage so well here.
03:18Oh, yeah.
03:19You can't see them.
03:19You can't see them.
03:20It's like a casino carpet.
03:21They don't want you to know what's really going on in there.
03:23But Lisa heard me killing it.
03:24I did.
03:25You made it so obvious.
03:27Like, he wanted everyone in the building to know.
03:29Oh, no.
03:29It's like, oh, I'll take care of it.
03:31I'm a manly man.
03:32Yeah.
03:33I can handle life.
03:34What's happening?
03:34He comes in, he goes, I just killed a spider.
03:39It's okay, little lady.
03:41I got it.
03:42Yeah.
03:43Well, so this is, but this is my point.
03:46The spider is still there.
03:48Like, yeah, because he's not man enough.
03:51He won't pick it up.
03:51I dare you to go outside and get in and bring it in here to the garbage can.
03:57If you were a man, you can do that.
04:00No, no, no paper.
04:02No paper.
04:03No paper.
04:04No, you need paper.
04:05You can have paper.
04:06Pick it up on my fingers?
04:07F no.
04:08No.
04:08You can't do that?
04:09No chance.
04:11No.
04:11It's big.
04:11You need paper.
04:12You want me to pick this thing up with its leg?
04:14It's been decaying for two days.
04:16No, you need paper.
04:16You killed it.
04:17You got to dispose of it.
04:19No.
04:19No.
04:19See, I just leave it.
04:20Yeah, he definitely left it.
04:22I see it all the time.
04:22Is that spider still on the carpet over there?
04:24No, I think whoever vacuumed it, they got it.
04:26Yeah, this one in this room is still there, in the hallway there, because it's right up
04:31against the edge in the vacuum kink.
04:33You can't go get that, man.
04:34I battled all the other weekend.
04:36I killed like four of them.
04:37Yeah, whatever.
04:38It was in my kid's room, and then I slept in the room.
04:40Oh, wow.
04:41It was the hardest thing I ever did.
04:42You're trying so hard to be a man.
04:44I did.
04:44I slept in the room.
04:44He's trying.
04:46If you're a man, you'll go pick up.
04:47With my fingers?
04:48Yeah.
04:48You don't have to do that.
04:50Record him.
04:51Gosh.
04:52Record him.
04:53Just pick it up with paper.
04:54Who cares?
04:55Can I use this?
04:56Yeah.
04:56You can use it.
04:57And scoop it?
04:58He doesn't even want to do that, so that's challenging enough.
05:01But I'll do it with this.
05:04I would never touch a spider without any kind of paper.
05:08I don't think I would either.
05:09But you also, when you kill it, you have to get rid of it.
05:11Yeah.
05:12It's just there.
05:13You can't just leave it.
05:14It's like a tarantula.
05:15It's a floor, and then you just walk away.
05:17It's like, you guys haven't seen it.
05:18Well, you guys don't really go this way.
05:19I don't go that way, ever.
05:20If you go this way and sort of walked around the corner and looked down, you'd see what looks
05:24like a...
05:25I thought it was a spider that had kind of burrowed itself and was trying to hide, and
05:30then I realized, no, this is one that Jason's killed.
05:33It might not be dead.
05:35It's been dead.
05:35It's been there.
05:36It hasn't been.
05:36Oh, it's daggs.
05:37I heard the murder.
05:39Yeah.
05:39This thing hasn't moved in minutes.
05:40I didn't realize I made such a spectacle of it.
05:43Don't worry, little lady.
05:44I got it.
05:45Well, I had to kill...
05:46I hit it with my shoe.
05:48She's like, I heard some banging, and I was like, yeah, that's me.
05:50Yeah.
05:51Just me killing a spider.
05:52Sorry.
05:53You noticed?
05:55I can't...
05:55And he walked it with his arms eight feet from his body.
05:58Yeah.
05:58I can't pick it up.
06:00You can't?
06:00Not with my finger.
06:02No.
06:03I could never do that.
06:05Can you touch it?
06:06No, I don't want to.
06:08What am I doing here for?
06:09Well, just make sure he's dead.
06:10Just make sure he's dead.
06:12Give him a tap, tap, tap.
06:13Do I have to go get it with my bare hands?
06:15No, no, no.
06:15Are you going to pick it up with your bare hands?
06:16I don't care.
06:16That doesn't bother me.
06:17You're going to pick it up by the leg?
06:19Yeah, whatever.
06:20Chuck couldn't do it.
06:20I know that, but I know you have done it, Dave.
06:23I definitely, like, if the pressure was on, I probably would...
06:26You could.
06:27...could do it.
06:27If the pressure was on.
06:29If there was pressure on.
06:30There was nothing, no other way.
06:32Like if...
06:33Could Court do it with his bare hands?
06:34No.
06:34Is Court going to outman you?
06:36No way.
06:36Honestly, I would have no problem with it.
06:38Oh, okay.
06:40Prove it.
06:41Oh, God.
06:42Prove it.
06:43Prove it.
06:43You want me to...
06:44Where is it?
06:44It's around the Court.
06:45No, I have to now.
06:47I have to now.
06:48I knew that would get up.
06:49I knew that would get up.
06:50I'm not going to let anybody pick it up.
06:52You can't let Court.
06:53I fell for it.
06:54No, but I don't want any of you to pick it up either.
06:56I don't want anyone to pick it up.
06:58I'm just saying I've noticed it over the last two, three days that it's been there.
07:05Look, he got it.
07:06Oh, he beat you to him.
07:07Don't.
07:07Get it away from me.
07:08Get it away from me.
07:10Get it away from me.
07:12Get it out of here.
07:14What the hell?
07:15You were outmanned by Court.
07:17It's right here.
07:18He left it right there?
07:20Yeah.
07:21What the...
07:22Oh, wow.
07:22Don't swear.
07:24Careful.
07:24Careful.
07:25You were outmanned by Court is what you just said to him.
07:29Oh, that's...
07:30Oh.
07:32You were outmanned by Court.
07:36Oh, where is it?
07:37Where is it?
07:38Can you do it?
07:39I don't want to.
07:41So look, man.
07:42Look.
07:43Look, okay.
07:44I don't know what to tell you.
07:45It's a fear.
07:47It's a real fear.
07:48It's all right, man.
07:49It's a real fear.
07:49It's a fear.
07:50I don't want to force you to do something you don't want to do.
07:53You don't?
07:54No.
07:55What?
07:56It's like we're...
07:57This is the closest to Maury Povich that we can get.
08:01I got it.
08:01I got it.
08:03Got rid of it.
08:04Should I eat it?
08:06Is that mad enough?
08:07Wait.
08:07How did you pick it up just now?
08:08I couldn't see.
08:09He scooped it with his little scooper.
08:10Oh, you're a little scooper.
08:12He still didn't touch it.
08:14Good job, Court.
08:15Way to go.
08:16Here, go ahead.
08:19Are Court's going to come in and switch his spots?
08:22No, no, no.
08:23No, no, no.
08:25Court stepped up, man.
08:27Oh, wow.
08:28He did.
08:29He brought it.
08:30What do you have?
08:31It's really only bees that do it.
08:33Oh, is it broken?
08:34Yeah.
08:35My headphones are falling apart.
08:36Oh, okay.
08:37Yeah, it happens.
08:37They're falling apart.
08:38It happens.
08:38It's just my protective helmet.
08:40Court, man, you...
08:41Court came in with the biggest smile on his face.
08:43I know.
08:43He's like...
08:44He said to Jason, don't worry, little lady.
08:50I got this.
08:51How quickly we forget.
08:55How quickly we forget.
08:56You can't change the...
08:57You can't turn it around now.
08:58It's too late.
08:58I can't change the little tiny fly that I had to kill in there.
09:02We can play back the audio.
09:04It's right over there.
09:05We can play it back if you want.
09:07Oh, yeah.
09:08Yeah, no, I know.
09:09I told you, winged insects are different.
09:11Yeah.
09:11How quickly we forget.
09:14No, no.
09:14It's right over there.
09:15It's wild.
09:16Is that what he said?
09:18That's what he said.
09:19It is.
09:19It's right over there.
09:20Yeah.
09:21The scream was worse than that.
09:23And then he called me his hero.
09:25Yeah.
09:26He did.
09:26How quickly you forget.
09:28Who?
09:28Dave forgets or me?
09:30Everyone.
09:31I'm not claiming to be more manly than anybody.
09:33No.
09:34But he did give you a condescending look as he walked out.
09:36He doesn't have a problem with spiders.
09:40He did one of these.
09:41I think we'll have it on tape.
09:45Well, we do.
09:45Yeah, we have it on tape.
09:46We'll see if it's all we want.
09:47I have a previously on here with Court's reaction to that fly.
09:51Oh, really?
09:52Yeah.
09:53Previously on Dave and Chapter 3.
09:55Have it.
09:55We'll do it live.
09:56We're surrounded by pansies.
09:57I walk by.
09:58What are we talking about specifically?
09:59Well, listen.
10:00Did you hear that voice?
10:01According to Court, there's some sort of winged insect in his court cave.
10:05What is that?
10:06It's a horsefly.
10:07So Court is shining his phone light, which is bad for you.
10:10They're attracted to light.
10:11Well, turn on the Dave.
10:13There's a light on the wall.
10:14A switch.
10:15Just turn on the light.
10:16I bet.
10:16Is somebody going to come help me?
10:18I can see it.
10:20Do I have to do it?
10:21Am I going to have to kill it?
10:22No.
10:22Don't kill it.
10:23Line one one.
10:24Go kill it.
10:25Just kill the Dave.
10:26Like, kill it.
10:26Come here.
10:26It's right here.
10:27Let's kill it.
10:27Now we're listening to the intimate discussion between Jason and my wife.
10:32Oh, you got it.
10:34Oh, it's all bloody now, though.
10:36Oh, yeah.
10:37So that was it.
10:37What's happened to this generation?
10:39I don't know.
10:40We can stop it.
10:40Back down to earth.
10:41Back down to earth.
10:42Yep.
10:43To be honest, I do feel like I have to wash my hands.
10:45Yeah, you probably should.
10:46Oh, didn't you hear about that deadly spider disease that's going around?
10:49Well, what it is, is certain flies and winged insects will lay their eggs on a dead spider.
10:56And then they can transfer to your skin.
10:58And then you'll never eat meat again.
10:59Yeah, there are wasps that are like parasites like that.
11:01Uh-huh.
11:02Uh-huh.
11:02Exhibit A.
11:03Yep.
11:04Would you like me to bring forth anything else, Your Honor?
11:08No, I mean, it's still a battle in there.
11:10It's still a battle.
11:11I watched it play out in front of my own eyes.
11:13Okay, so look, I'm making strides.
11:15Yeah, you're getting better.
11:16In the past, I wouldn't have killed it.
11:18No.
11:18That's it.
11:18One step at a time, man.
11:20So now I've got to learn how to pick them up.
11:21Put those dainty feet in front of the other one step at a time.
11:24I'll be honest.
11:25I think in the past, if that big spider, because that was not a small spider.
11:29That was a big spider.
11:30If that spider was in that hallway, he would have just said, well, I'm not going to go down that hallway for a couple days.
11:37Like, I think that's the past we're talking about.
11:40Oh, you've done well.
11:40You've come a long way.
11:41I'll give you that.
11:41You're not there yet.
11:42You've come a long way.
11:43Yeah.
11:43You're not there yet.
11:44I wish you were with me the other weekend.
11:46I wish I wasn't.
11:47I wish you were.
11:48I wish you were.
11:49Okay.
11:50It's come a long way from the time I saw him in there with that spider.
11:53You've got to give the man his props there.
11:54I mean, I saw...
11:55Not quite there yet.
11:56I saw rock bottom, I think.
11:58Jason's still my hero.
12:00Yes, I know.
12:01That's beautiful.
12:01That's so nice.
12:03That's so nice.
12:04He needs a hero.
12:06Yeah.
12:07Okay.
12:07Let's move on here.
12:08Let's get to some...
12:09Wait a minute, I'm not a hero.
12:12I should have picked it up.
12:14It was too late.
12:15Court scoops Jason up and carries him out of the office.
12:17But we don't have to close up.
12:18That's so nice.
12:19No.
12:19No.
12:22No.
12:23No.
12:23No.
12:23No.
12:24No.
12:25No.
12:25No.
12:26No.
12:27No.
12:27No.
12:27No.
12:28No.
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