A.W.P. S02 E06. Cowboys.

deaddogsdam

First broadcast 28th March 1986.  Plumber Harry Blackburn is mad about country and western music, and when he joins the boys Oz regales him with his tales of Nashville and Merle Haggard.  Pat Roach - Bomber Busbridge Kevin Whately - Neville Hope Timothy Spall - Barry Taylor Christopher Fairbank - Albert Moxey Tim Healy - Dennis Patterson Jimmy Nail - Oz Osborne Gary Holton - Wayne Norris Bill Paterson - Ally Fraser Bryan Pringle - Arthur Pringle Kevin Lloyd - Harry Blackburn James Booth - Kenny Ames Julia Tobin - Brenda Hope Val McLane - Norma Lesley Saint-John - Vicki John Bowler - Howard Radcliff Paddy Joyce - The Ghost Ying Tong John - Big Baz Gina McKee - Girl Rod Arthur - Builder's Merchant Catherine Whately - Debbie Hope Tony McAnaney - Country and Western Band Member Rob Lockhart - Country and Western Band Member Trevor Brewis - Country and Western Band Member B.J. Cole - Country and Western Band Member Mike Lease - Country and Western Band Member

Transcript

00:00No one said it was going to be easy

00:16Nobody said it had to be fair

00:25All of the chances taken together

00:28And all the changes we had to share

00:34Well, you think we've made it all worthwhile

00:41Then you realize no one cares

00:49But we're going to get it right this time

00:54Cause we've passed the point of no return

01:00And we're never going to go

01:04And have that loan again

01:0711 years old

01:20Yeah

01:20Then we're going to give Sarah

01:23For all of the chances taken so many of the turns

01:27Oh, I think we've got a bit of that one.

01:43I told Radcliffe, it's Ali's architect.

01:46I'm ha, I'm ha.

01:47I'm ha, I'm ha.

01:48I'm ha.

01:49I'm ha.

01:50I'm ha.

01:51I made a 90-buddy architect.

01:52I always told me about the range rovers.

01:53Really?

01:54I didn't know it was.

01:55Just as driver-button BMWs, you know, as I think it starts what Bob Marley and the wheel has.

02:00Well, why do architects drive them?

02:03Well, you know the difference between a hedgehog and a range rover, don't you?

02:07No.

02:08A hedgehog's got pricks on the outside.

02:12Howard!

02:13Up here, will you?

02:15Right then, Dennis.

02:16Get the percolator on, eh?

02:19Percolator?

02:20See what I mean?

02:22Hey, Howard's got a hotline Ali Fraser, so keep quiet, look busy, all right?

02:29I don't know any other weirdness.

02:31Morning, lads.

02:32How's it going?

02:33Okay, fine, huh?

02:34Good.

02:35Good.

02:36Good, good, good.

02:37Who's that?

02:38Red sunglasses.

02:39He's got to be the architect, hasn't he?

02:40I bet he's got a BMW, I would say.

02:41No, always drive BMWs for some minute.

02:42Yeah.

02:43Right.

02:44Chocolate time.

02:45I'm going to get a brew on.

02:46I'll come with you, Mox.

02:47All this bending's doing my backing.

02:48And a slipped disc could be fatal for a guy with my sexual appetite.

02:51Well, spring yours up, Barney, or what?

02:52Eh?

02:53No, no, no, no, no.

02:54It's all right.

02:55I'll come down to the kitchen with you.

02:56It's all right.

02:57It's all right.

02:58I'll come down to the kitchen with you.

02:59It's all right.

03:00Gold sports Barry's still worrying about his friend, the ghost, do you, we?

03:01No, no, no.

03:02Fully grown adult, is Barney.

03:03He wouldn't believe in ghosts.

03:04That's right, that's right.

03:05That's right.

03:06Go and ridicule me.

03:07I don't mind.

03:08It's all right.

03:09You didn't have to be the same.

03:10I'm going to get a brew on.

03:11It's all right.

03:12All this bending's doing my backing.

03:13And a slipped disc could be fatal for a guy with my sexual appetite.

03:15Well, spring yours up, Barney, or what?

03:17Eh?

03:18No, no, no.

03:19It's all right.

03:20It's all right.

03:21I'll come down to the kitchen with you.

03:22It's all right.

03:23Go and ridicule me.

03:24I don't mind.

03:25You didn't say this to him.

03:26I did.

03:27I'm the one who can't bloody sleep at night.

03:29I'm the one who's haunted by horrible images of bloody Macbetham Banquo.

03:32Who the hell are these?

03:33A couple of ice skaters, aren't they?

03:34Like tall villains, don't they?

03:35They are Shakespeare characters.

03:36Nerds.

03:37Oh, yeah?

03:38And how do you know?

03:39You know what I know.

03:40Well, the evening class is Warsaw Tech.

03:41That's how I know.

03:42We made a special point of studying the works of our most famous.

03:45And I'm not sure what I know.

03:47I'm not sure what I know.

03:48I'm not sure what I know.

03:49I'm not sure what I know.

03:50I'm not sure what I know.

03:51I'm not sure what I know.

03:52I'm not sure what I know.

03:55You're a famous local writer.

03:56I thought Shakespeare came from Stratford.

03:58Oh, well interrupted, Mox.

04:00So it's not all cement between those years, then?

04:03Correct.

04:04Shakespeare is usually linked with Stratford.

04:07But he was, in fact, an Overspiel playwright from the West Midlands.

04:10That's why I could never understand him at school, Mox.

04:13Wrote in a Brummie accent.

04:15Anyway, listen.

04:18In our class, right, we did a workshop adoption of Macbeth.

04:22We did it very cleverly, actually, as a revenge western.

04:26Kelvin Fendick.

04:27He was the name of our director.

04:29Excellent idea, right?

04:30Anyway.

04:31He got the idea from that record by the Doors.

04:34You know the one?

04:35Riders on the Storm.

04:36There's a killer on the road.

04:39His brain is squirming like a tug.

04:43Anyway, right.

04:44We're all dressed up as cowboys, right?

04:47I played the Banquo kid.

04:49Master Live and Dark Wolf's all knowin' that, eh?

04:51Listen to me.

04:52This is very interesting.

04:53What I'm saying is, right,

04:55Banquo gets bumped off by Macbeth as he claws his way to power.

05:01And he comes back to haunt him, a bloody spectre, thirstin' for vengeance, right?

05:06What's all this got to do with the bloke who's supposed to be wandering around this storm?

05:10Listen.

05:11All I'm saying is, having played the part of Banquo,

05:14I now have a pretty good idea of what goes on inside a ghost brain.

05:17And believe me, it's not very nice!

05:20Plastic piping.

05:25Plaster board partitions.

05:27Freeze blocks.

05:28Chip board.

05:29Every expense spared, eh, Hodge?

05:32Sorry, Dennis,

05:33but Ali's desperate to get this project finished

05:35so he can release some cash for his Spanish investments.

05:38What investments are these?

05:40I'm sorry, I can't say.

05:42But I think you boys are pencilled in as part of them.

05:44A buy offer.

05:46I don't think he sees it in those terms,

05:48largely because he doesn't need to buy you lot off.

05:51He pays you do.

05:52That's the relationship, isn't it?

05:53Pure and simple.

05:54Howard, for an architect,

05:55you don't seem to know anything about the people in the building trade.

05:58I mean, my lads are no bunch of girl guides, God knows,

06:01but they can smell a cowboy job, a mail-off man.

06:03And if they don't like it...

06:04They can piss off and find work somewhere else.

06:06No, no!

06:07They can create a hell of a lot of trouble for the bloke

06:09who's abusing their skills for a quick profit.

06:11Especially if it means turning old people's home into a cardboard death trap.

06:15Now look here, Dennis.

06:16I submitted three separate budgets to Ali for this project.

06:19He chose the cheapest one possible because it suited his purposes.

06:23It's not for me to make that sort of decision for him.

06:25I'm only...

06:26Doing your job.

06:27That's right.

06:28Howard, listen, man.

06:29I've got my reasons for working at Ali's orders.

06:32Now I don't like what I'm doing,

06:34but I know exactly why I'm doing it.

06:36Now what's your excuse, son?

06:38I don't have to give you any justifications.

06:42Now can we get on, please?

06:45Have a great week of all at all.

06:47I can imagine.

06:48Well, I'll see you later...

06:50I can't wait to see you later.

06:52I can't wait to see you later...

06:54It'll be so good to see you later.

06:55I'll see you later...

06:56And I'll see you later...

06:57Are you a little bit of a bug?

06:58Oh, this takes me back.

07:17Six people farting in a park.

07:21No, no, no, no, no, no more nostalgia for a deprived child who's angry.

07:25Both left that along with behind.

07:26Oh, no, I'm not talking about when I was a kid.

07:30I'm talking about when we were shooting Snowy White and the Five Dwarfs.

07:34It was a sensitive story about a cocaine-crazed nymphal with a lust for small geysers.

07:39I'm afraid I missed that one, Kenny.

07:41Oh, no, it's very good. We were going to make a sequel.

07:44Only the dwarfs all pissed off back at the circus.

07:46I'm sure Barry Norman will be delighted to hear the rest of it.

07:49Now, listen, Kenny, this may be an interesting question under the circumstances,

07:51but what two words most fill you with dread?

07:56You what?

07:59No, two words that get the old sphincter going.

08:02Oh, well, it's going now, thanks to this lot.

08:04No, no, no, no. It's a couple of words like, you're nicked.

08:08Oh, come on.

08:12What is this? Some sort of new panel game?

08:14What's my bluff underwater?

08:16No, no, no.

08:16Now, the two words that I was thinking about, Kenny, were extradition and treaty.

08:23Now, did they do anything for you?

08:24Yeah, well, I suppose they're as good as any.

08:27But it can't do nothing to me, son, because quite rightly, the law cannot be applied retrospectively.

08:32Well, I was speaking to a couple of the boys in the town this morning, and some of them are not so sure.

08:37They reckon that the whole thing is going to be nailed down.

08:41Water time, as it were.

08:43Why is that?

08:45Well, it's something to do with Spain's entry into the common market.

08:49Oh, yeah?

08:49Yeah, it seems that Spain might not be welcome into the European community,

08:54where she still continues to give shelter to some of the heaviest villains on the continent.

08:58Present company included, I say.

09:01You mean they've got to use us as hostages?

09:03Well, I suppose so.

09:05But then again, you've got to see it from Britain's point of view.

09:07Why should she enter into trade negotiations and such like,

09:10with a country who's still giving shelter,

09:13with the people who have spent their time taking wealth out of Britain?

09:16Other people's wealth, mainly.

09:18Yeah.

09:19Well, don't you worry about nothing, son.

09:23Everything's going to be all right.

09:25I've got to get out of here.

09:28I'm beginning to wrinkle.

09:32Everything's going to be hunky-dory.

09:34You hope?

09:35Anyway, I've got some little ideas about it, some money-making ideas.

09:40I'd like to have a word with you about, Kenny.

09:42Should we have dinner tonight?

09:43Yeah, as long as it's not boiled lobster.

09:46Boiled lobster!

09:47All right, Jack.

09:52Hey, look, you're already back for some more, are we?

09:54Must be a right palace you're building out there in the country.

09:57It's more like a doll's house from no one.

09:59Look at that rubbish, man.

09:59Oh, ah, definite damn turning style.

10:04Any chance you'll get me that luck tomorrow?

10:06Yes, my duck, I think so.

10:08Might have trouble stopping some of it blowing off the back of the lorry, though.

10:11It's not what you'd call substantial, is it?

10:14Probably why they call them breeze blocks, eh?

10:15Oh, hey, we need a plumber for a couple of weeks or so, do you know any good lines locally?

10:20Ah, let me see.

10:24This bloke from Derby's a top man.

10:26Hard grafter, reasonable rates, pleasant disposition.

10:29Yeah, he sounds ideal.

10:31Give him a ring now if you want.

10:32Sure, it's no bother.

10:33None at all.

10:34He's my brother-in-law.

10:36Ah, nebictism, eh?

10:38No, just a touch of arthritis.

10:44Another pint here.

10:46When you're ready.

10:48Certainly, sir.

10:49Now, now, now, Tiger.

10:51Don't overdo the sarkiness.

10:53Otherwise, we'll have a little video showing for the brewery, won't we?

10:55Showing what their tenants get up to after hours.

11:00Did I ever tell you the time when I was taken prisoner in Malaya?

11:03No, I don't think so, no.

11:06These little gooks with coloured hair put me in a bamboo cage.

11:11They abused me with sticks, humiliated me.

11:16They thought they were safe, you see, because I was behind bars.

11:19Then I was rescued by my pals in the SAS,

11:22and as a revenge, I strung the little bastards up by the ankles and horsewhiped them.

11:27The 87 pence, or do you want this one on the house?

11:3021.

11:32Ah!

11:333-9-9.

11:37Has it set out to you yet?

11:39Who?

11:40Happy Harry, man.

11:41Pringle.

11:42No, nothing.

11:43Mind you, I'm not exactly looking for conversation.

11:46Well, I'm just waiting for one word out the line, mate,

11:48and I'll pin his yes to a bitty dartboard with this.

11:50There's still a bit of an atmosphere in here, isn't there?

11:53Well, it reminds me of a funeral parlour, bummer.

11:56Oh, come on, Neville.

11:56You were moaning when we were born from here.

11:58Now you're moaning because we were back.

11:59I mean, just be grateful for small mercies, eh?

12:01I am.

12:03It's just I find it a bit depressing to round off me working days sitting in a place where I'm not really welcome.

12:08Could be worse for me.

12:10Could be going home to the wife.

12:11My wife's not like that, though, bummer.

12:14Always makes us feel welcome when I get back from work.

12:18Always got a kiss for us and a cup of tea.

12:21Talk about what sort of day we've had.

12:23Play with the burn for an hour.

12:26You homesick, Neville?

12:28Me?

12:29What makes you think that?

12:29Look, why don't you take the weekend off?

12:32Go up and see your Brenda.

12:34I don't think I can afford to lose the money, Dan.

12:36It's only for one day.

12:38We're not working on Sunday.

12:39Could I?

12:41I mean, would I not leave you a man short for Saturday?

12:43Nah.

12:43I think Dan would rather be short-handed than have you long-faced.

12:47Oh, good lad.

12:48Right.

12:49My round.

12:50What do you want, lads?

12:51Same again, is it?

12:52Aye.

12:52Oh, creature.

12:53Oh, creature.

13:01Matty!

13:02Matty!

13:03Matty!

13:04Matty!

13:05Matty!

13:06Matty!

13:07Somebody lay the light on?

13:08Huh?

13:09No.

13:10No.

13:11No.

13:11Everybody got a crucifix.

13:23Hey, nobody left this video on, did they?

13:38Nah.

13:39And I packed all them tapes up neatly before we left.

13:42Looks like you've had another visitor again.

13:44That door was closed when it went out and all, wasn't it?

13:48The ghost being out what a piss, has he?

13:50Hey, lads, check all your gear. Make sure nothing's been taken.

14:11Who's this?

14:20Howdy! Is there a Dennis Patterson around?

14:42You're the plumber.

14:45Well, that's what he says, yeah.

14:47Oh, hiya, I'm Dennis.

14:48Hiya.

14:49How are you?

14:50Howdy, Blackburn.

14:52I've got all the gear in the back, special discount.

14:54Of course, it's a brother-in-law, like, you know.

14:55Oh, well, every little bit helps, Lake.

14:57Right, where do you want me to start, then?

14:59Eh, why don't you get a hand with this stuff,

15:01if you don't mind a bit of labouring.

15:02Oh, not me, Dennis. Always ready to muck in.

15:04Good, lads.

15:05Well, I'll tell you what, we'll have a break in a minute,

15:07and then I'll introduce you to all the lads.

15:08Yeah? Fine.

15:09Definitely cowboy material, all this, isn't it?

15:17We're better off using Lego.

15:18Right, now, I'll keep on working

15:20Long as my two hands are fit to use

15:23Listen.

15:24I drink a little bit of the evening

15:26And see a little bit of this working man's blues

15:29Well, how good?

15:31Hey, you the fan too, are you?

15:32A fan?

15:34Well, we met the man late, well,

15:36in the flesh and in Nashville.

15:37Well, bloody hell.

15:39Hey, let me kiss your feet, old mate.

15:43A honky-tonk night-time man.

15:45If we make it through December.

15:47No.

15:47Hey.

15:49Oogie from Muskogee.

15:51They don't smoke marijuana.

15:53In Muskogee.

15:54What's the horn up, don't they?

15:56No, that's not one of Merle's, Dennis.

15:58Is it?

15:59No, it's as soon as we'll eat Johnny Cash.

16:00Huh?

16:01Ha ha ha ha.

16:02Yay!

16:06Woo!

16:07Ah!

16:08Hey!

16:09What'll put that in?

16:14Hey, what about that then?

16:27Me and Merle, live in Nashville.

16:31Hey, I thought he shaved his beard off a few years ago.

16:36That's not a beard, man.

16:37It's a shadow across his face.

16:39Oh, yeah, yeah.

16:41Or maybe there is a beard.

16:43I don't even know.

16:43It's Connie Feller, Lee.

16:45He was very pleased to hear about my stint in the Falklands.

16:47Of course, he's very patriotically.

16:50A Falklands veteran who's met Merle Haggard?

16:52You're just about the most important person I've ever come across, Oz.

16:55Well, between you and me,

16:57I didn't get to do any of the actual butchering out there, you know.

17:00I was just civilian work, you know, the runway and that sort of thing.

17:03Still, it's very impressive, though.

17:04Hey, rough out there, was it?

17:07It was no picnic, son.

17:09What was the worst bit, the cold or the shortage of women, like?

17:12Well, then we're both bad, like.

17:16I think the worst thing of the lot was them bloody Jim Davison visits.

17:21No lover of cockneys, eh?

17:23Right.

17:25I've got one on the firm, you know,

17:26but it's very seldom we see eye to eye with them, eh?

17:28Here, let me tell you what,

17:29do you fancy a few drinks and a bit of a sing-song tomorrow night over my way?

17:33Could do, eh?

17:34Oh, that'll be how I owe you, really.

17:36Like, we've bought them all the boozers around here.

17:38The only one we can get in, we've got to buy blackmail.

17:41Hey, I'm going to enjoy working with you, lads.

17:44Hey, Oz.

17:46Cheers.

17:46Aye, cheers.

17:52Hey, what's the point, then, then?

17:53Would you want me to transform that second staircase to its former gallery,

17:58or is there a lift going in, eh?

17:59Yeah.

18:01I've only got left to the weekend, Wayne.

18:03I don't think Howard's had his final approval of all his plans yet.

18:06I wouldn't hold out too much hope if I was you,

18:09not judging by that gear that's coming this morning.

18:11Seems a pity to skimp on such a solid building, though, doesn't it?

18:14Look, it's his money.

18:15He can spend it how he wants.

18:16If he wants to do the place out mud and straw, that's his decision.

18:19It's a bit iffy when it's an old folk's home, Dennis.

18:22Yeah.

18:22You should give them the best.

18:24Look, you're getting well paid, Neville, so quit moaning, eh?

18:32Seems a bit tessy, doesn't he?

18:33He's trying to be in the gaffer, I suppose.

18:36He's trying to be employed by someone like Ali Fraser, more late.

18:49Well, Vicky, I think it should go and powder your nose.

19:02Why, like?

19:03Because it's going all shiny.

19:05It's a way of a slash.

19:06Kenny and I have got to fill the wee bit of the business.

19:08Well, you're all right.

19:09We're all right.

19:09Order a zip round you, eh?

19:10Let me go, then.

19:19No one can be a right liability, Kenny.

19:22Yeah.

19:26I had a word with a few of the Brit community.

19:30Your little story's already got a few of them packing.

19:34Still got a white choice of countries that don't have extradition treaties with Great Britain.

19:38You've got Afghanistan.

19:40You've got Costa Rica.

19:41You've got Campuchia, Nicaragua.

19:43You've got Libya.

19:44I can't see myself playing golf with a daphne.

19:49What's your plan, Ali?

19:51Well, Kenny, did you ever play Monopoly as a kid?

19:55No.

19:56I didn't like that go-to-jail bit.

19:59Even as a kid, it gave me a shiver.

20:01You remember the broad principles of the game?

20:04Oh, yeah.

20:04You know, buying property at appetitous prices,

20:07making offers to people who need cash to keep staying on in the game.

20:12What are you getting at, Ali?

20:13Well, if a dozen or so of your similarly placed colleagues

20:20should find themselves in need of quick cash and even quicker exits,

20:24I might be in a very healthy position to take their properties off their hands.

20:29But not that I'm primed, sir.

20:31You have played this game more often than you'd like, Gary.

20:33And since most of these properties happen to be in prime sites,

20:38I would then be very healthily placed to develop them as holiday homes

20:42for those Brits who can move freely around the world.

20:46What happens if, as I suspect it might,

20:51your property-developing schemes get up the collective noses of these poor countries?

20:57Now, this is where you come in, Gary,

20:59as partner and general public relations expert,

21:03spreading goodwill.

21:05I'm sure that between the two of us, we could smooth things over.

21:08After all, we'd be helping them out.

21:10And, you know, telling what the Spanish government could do,

21:12they're socialists, you know.

21:13They might just repossess all your houses

21:15and kick you all out without a bean.

21:18Yeah, well, you'll have to give me a few days to think about it, Ellie.

21:21Sure, we're just throwing the dice around at this stage in the game.

21:25But, um,

21:26I ought to be able to move fast

21:27on the deal lines.

21:31You know, this is a real choker.

21:33The people in England think we have a wonderful time here.

21:37Get off.

21:41Yeah.

21:41It's a real prison, this is.

21:46Bloody murder, this, you know, isn't it, sir?

21:47Working on a Saturday.

21:48I should be at a match.

21:50I don't know.

21:50Better to be laying bricks than throwing them on.

21:52Ah!

21:53Thanks.

21:54Enjoy your Saturday night out much better after our day's graft.

21:57Ah, that treat no-flake.

21:59You're deeply getting well-blattered, isn't it?

22:01Oh, listen.

22:02You fancy a trip I went to this booze at a Harry's?

22:04They have a country turns on on a Saturday by all the culture.

22:07You know, a bit twanging.

22:08You fancy it?

22:09I'm more of a West Country music fan myself, you know, uh,

22:12edge, cutler and the wuzzle, that sort of thing.

22:15Drink up thy cider.

22:17Music they shag sheep knee.

22:20I'll get you in the Merle if it kills us before the end of this job.

22:24Buddy.

22:24You fancy it's going to be sure and a bummer we're getting out of this booze at a Harry's,

22:28isn't it?

22:29They'll have a bit country to hang me up for it.

22:31Bit too big across.

22:32Yeah, yeah, yeah.

22:33Don't mind if I die, say.

22:35Right.

22:35Don't think I can take another night in here watching Wayne's video nasty.

22:38I mean, it's bad enough having the G.I.T. around, isn't it?

22:42About watching some mad sod terror ride in the own counties of a blackened deck of drill.

22:47What's this?

22:48Well, it's horrible, isn't it?

22:50Have you been any more sightings of our friend yet?

22:52Well, Moxie's thought you were a few strange gurglings in the night.

22:57Mind you, after ten pints of a barley now, it's hardly surprising, isn't it?

23:01Aye.

23:03I'll get the bastard you with it.

23:04I've still haven't given up my pinching me beer yet.

23:07But a bean from the other world, he's certainly got some pretty earthly taste.

23:10Aye, but he probably draws a lean at Arch Cutler.

23:13Aye.

23:13It was hardly worth coming to bed if you're going to listen to the football all afternoon.

23:21Oh, I'm sorry, Pep.

23:23It's just...

23:24It seems a bit unnatural trying to do it during the day.

23:27And you know, I'll kind of concentrate when you castle a plane.

23:29There was an article in Cosmo last month

23:32about how married couples should use as much variety as possible in their love life.

23:36Times, places, clothes...

23:40What's Cosmo?

23:40Cosmopolitan magazine for the woman of today.

23:45That's where you get all your fancy ideas from, isn't it?

23:48They're not fancy, they're just interesting.

23:51Things are changing for women, you know, never leaving on townside.

23:54Anna, Pep, Anna.

23:55It's just, I was brought up in a very traditional world, I thought.

23:59Oh, aye.

23:59Wife at home looking after the kids.

24:01Pub with the lads.

24:02Saturday night on the nest.

24:03And Sunday afternoon asleep on the sofa after a big lunch.

24:06Oh, how are you, man?

24:07I've never been that bad, Brendan.

24:09I'm not a complete chauvinist.

24:11No, but you're not a feminist, neither.

24:14Look, if it'll make you happy,

24:16you'll go to the pub tomorrow at dinner time.

24:18I'll make the Sunday dinner for you and Norma, rookie.

24:20Aye, well, you're going to have to,

24:22cos I'm doing a couple of hours at the hospital tomorrow morning.

24:25Oh, it's one weekend off.

24:27Sorry, Pep.

24:30I'll be pleased to do it.

24:32I can Debbie some quickly lessons.

24:36Oh, do it.

24:45I seem to have ten minutes free.

24:49Hey, listen.

24:50About them, er...

24:51them claws you can wear for making things more passionate.

24:55What about them?

24:55Well, what do you feel about wearing some?

25:00Well, it depends what they are.

25:01There's a fine line between eroticism and kinkiness, you know, Neville.

25:05What did you have in mind?

25:08A black and white striped football shirt.

25:25Are you ready, lads?

25:38Woo-hoo!

25:38Howdy, Pion, you!

25:39Hey, hello, buddy.

25:40How are you?

25:41Oh, yeah, me.

25:42Sorry, we're a bit bitter.

25:43I'm going to tell them by Kermans, he's on the year 40.

25:45Hey, come on, we're a table down here by the stage.

25:48There you are, all right?

25:49Are you all right, there?

25:50Come, beers.

25:51Hey, up on.

25:52Yeah, up on.

25:52Come on.

25:52Good.

26:01Good.

26:01How much is you like that, sir?

26:05It's top of the mill, isn't it?

26:22Not bad, are they, eh?

26:24What? Yeah, I've heard a lot worse.

26:26Come here all the time, honey.

26:28Oh, yeah, yeah, every Saturday.

26:30A bit of an o'down, a few beers,

26:32and then crashing to dry stone walls on the way home.

26:34Oh, aye, the original head-bangers.

26:44Hey, not so much heavy metal, this.

26:46It's more like thick grass.

26:49I should think prolonged exposure to it

26:51could cause you to grow udders.

26:53Oh, aye, the original head-bangers.

26:54Oh, aye, the original head-bangers.

26:55Right, I'm off on the pool.

26:57Anyone got a lasso?

26:59Yeah.

27:01Great.

27:02I'll be a loop and get some over it.

27:03Be a loop and get some over it.

27:05Glenda Campbell, innit?

27:07The rhinestone cowgirl?

27:08Yeah, look, we did some more.

27:13Glenda Campbell, isn't it?

27:14The rhinestone cowgirl.

27:15Do you what?

27:17I said, uh, it was just a joke, you know.

27:19My name's Wayne.

27:21I'm the John, of course.

27:22You are.

27:23I said, are you always so chatty up here?

27:25Sorry, I was listening to the music.

27:27Oh, yeah.

27:28Masochist, are we?

27:30I only come because my brother's playing the fiddle.

27:33Seems like a sensitive type.

27:34Look, can I, uh, can I buy you a drink, love?

27:37Orlicks or something?

27:38No, thanks.

27:39I've got to drive him home later.

27:41Oh, I saw the series.

27:44Raw-eyed, wasn't it?

27:56Hey, look, is there another bar or something round here, you know?

27:59One with a broken jukebox, preferably.

28:01Sorry, if you want a break from this, you'll have to go out into the car park.

28:06I'll see if they've got a table for two.

28:08Oh, how you fly.

28:12Oh, how you fly.

28:14Boys and girls, quiet, please.

28:29Boys and girls, quiet.

28:30We have a very special guest artist in the room tonight.

28:33Apparently, he's appeared with the great Merle Haggard in Nashville last year.

28:37And he's a great personal friend of Merle's.

28:40So, ladies and gentlemen, let's give him a real big hand, Big Willie Osborne!

28:57What's he doing?

28:59Do you know, um...

29:02Do you know, uh, do you know I can't be myself?

29:05It's a way of mine to say

29:21Just what I'm thinking

29:24And to do the things I really want to do

29:33But you want to change a part of me

29:39I'm proud of

29:41But I can't be myself

29:47When I'm with you

29:49Oh, you've never liked the clothes I wore on Sundays

29:58Just because I don't believe the things you do

30:06How can someone so ugly make a nice noise like that?

30:14Just be my man

30:15My man, eh?

30:16Cos I can't be myself

30:20When I'm with you

30:22Of course he didn't call myself

30:25Big Willie, you ain't he?

30:29Sure know you now

30:30She had a shower with him once in two

30:32I've got to listen to this block, it sounds good

30:46He must be mine

30:52Hey, that lad's wasted, Lane Bricks

30:56It's been so long deciding

30:58But I can't be myself

31:04When I'm with you

31:07No, I can't be myself

31:12When I'm with you

31:18When I'm with you

31:19I can't be myself

31:35Hey, mate, say

31:36I'm down to break out of the party

31:38But I like some again

31:39Ah, right

31:41Let's see if the bastard's falling into your little chops

31:43Hey, hey, what's up, what's up, sir?

31:46Well, before we went out tonight

31:47I squirted a bit of super glue on the fridge door handle

31:49Ah, Jesus, lad

31:58I'm glad to see yous back

32:00Look, I can't go for a pace with this bloody fridge on me hand

32:03That's him

32:06The ghost

32:08You know, you're taking this awful well

32:12I'm getting much better than I deserve

32:14You say that again, McGurk

32:16What, not that solvent in the house

32:18You would have spent the rest of your life

32:19Walking around the fridge door stuck, you mitt

32:21So where have you been hiding it, Zoppy?

32:25Ah, well, you see, there's a little cupboard

32:27Up on the third floor

32:28And I just kicked down in there

32:30While you were around or awake

32:31So while we were out or asleep

32:33You came out to play

32:34Yeah

32:34It didn't mean any harm, lad

32:37It's honest

32:37I've stopped here a few times on me travels

32:40And when I saw you lot in here on the floor

32:42Well, I just thought you were josting down as well

32:45Well, charming

32:46Well, it's not far wrong, really

32:48Hey, you're not going to throw me out tonight, are you?

32:51No, I know

32:53Oh, there's a sleeping bag there

32:55A spare one that can have that

32:57Oh, thanks

32:57Can you keep down there, all right?

32:59Yeah, come on, please, yeah

33:00But, er

33:02Have a bath first, will you?

33:06And then you'll have to have gone on your way tomorrow

33:07Because we've got work to do, you know

33:09Yeah, well, that's fair enough

33:10Tell me, what are you doing to the house exactly?

33:13I would have turned it into an old people's home, Exford

33:15I can stop off here again, then

33:17Of course, you're £50 a night by then, man

33:19Oh, sod that for a game of soldiers

33:21Oh, ta

33:23Tired

33:26You're a tired pet

33:28Aye, so am I

33:29What are you writing, three spoons or four?

33:32I go to bed

33:34Oh, I wish I could, no

33:35That's life

33:39Hey, I wish your mum was here

33:46Fancy going to work on a Sunday morning, eh?

33:51Hey, mate, I didn't want you doing that, Debs

33:53Not that there'll be any work for you by the time you grow

33:57What time's Yorkshire pudding supposed to go in, anyway?

34:02Who are you talking to, pet?

34:03Oh, hello, pet

34:04I'm just getting some culinary tips off, Debbie

34:07So if it all goes wrong, it's her fault, right?

34:11Oh, you're good

34:12Oh, here come

34:13I think it's time for you

34:14There, there, yes

34:15There, yes

34:16There

34:17Hey, listen, what time?

34:25Right then, there's a bus stop over there

34:27You can get into town from there, all right?

34:29Aye, thanks

34:29Oh, here, er

34:31Should help you with your fare, all right?

34:36Oh, thanks, mate

34:37And thanks for the jumper and jeans

34:38That's okay

34:39You know, you've been smashing to me, you lads

34:41I had a big breakfast this morning

34:42All the beers I've had

34:43The telly and videos

34:45I've had a belt in time

34:46You sure you've got somewhere to stay tonight, no?

34:48Aye

34:49I've got a string of homes up and down the country

34:51I'm practically landed gentry

34:52Well, see you around

34:54Take care now

34:54So down, mate

34:55So down

34:56Cheo

34:56Yeah, seems a nice old bloke, really

34:59Yeah

34:59But you can't help feeling sorry for him, can you?

35:02Ah, sorry me arse

35:03I'll bet he's as happy as a pig in shite

35:05Certainly smells like one

35:06Bit sad, though, isn't he, guys?

35:09What?

35:10When we get to that, I'd have no way to leave

35:12I don't think we do enough for our people in this country, actually

35:15Well, he's got a track, doesn't he?

35:17Just him and the highway

35:18Yeah, what time is it?

35:22A minute past twelve

35:23Come on, Arla, get the door open, man

35:28We've only got one hour and fifty-nine minutes drinking left

35:31Daff, when you think about it, isn't it, eh?

35:37Pubs is open all hours where they're at Graft

35:39And you get a D-op and they keep short of time

35:41And wipe your feet before you come in

35:46Well, it's nice to meet you at long last, Norma

35:51I've heard a lot about you

35:53Oh, thanks

35:54Through Neville, you know

35:55Very nice of you to invite me round, pet

35:57I've heard a lot about you

35:58From Dennis

35:59I mean, I've heard you've got your kitchen well organised

36:02And see, that's true

36:03Hello, Norma, how are you, pet?

36:05I'm fine, thanks, Neville

36:06Yeah, you'll not be after eating this lot

36:08Oh, stop being so apologetic, Neville

36:10You're a good cook

36:11But you give yourself the chance

36:12Sit down, Norma, pet

36:14Now, what can I get you to drink?

36:18Have you got any gin?

36:20Uh-huh

36:20I think I'll go mad

36:21I'll have a gin and tonic

36:22Hey, this is a rare treat for me, Neville

36:26Getting me Sunday dinner made for us

36:28Never happens when our Dennis is at home

36:30It's the least that he'd do after he lent us his van

36:33Oh, not that we wouldn't have invited you over yourself, mate

36:37Yeah, he sends his love, by the way

36:39Oh, good

36:40Hi

36:42Well, I don't suppose you live this well

36:46Now that you and the lads have moved into the derelict house, eh?

36:49Oh, well, actually

36:50Sunday dinner

36:51Big occasion for us, usually

36:53So one time in the week we'll get to relax

36:56Really push the boat out, you know

36:58First put us show this for a Sunday morning, isn't it?

37:01Hey, you've got no cheese on the boy

37:02You've got no crackers, no trade note

37:04I like to treat my customers the way they treat me

37:07Oh, I'm surprised there are little balls of rat poison on the bar in that case

37:10Miserable get

37:13Look at this

37:16Look, it's very interesting, this

37:18Oh, yeah, whatever it is, buddy

37:20Leaf's too short for us

37:21Listen, listen, look

37:21The Sunday paper here has been doing an investigation

37:24Into the scandal of unregistered old people's arms

37:27Oh, apparently they're springing up all over the place

37:30Without anything by all the basic facilities

37:32And they're cashing in on all the social security benefits

37:34Yeah, come on up, just have a quiet pint here, buddy

37:37Yes, well, I'm just not going to apply to that place, mate

37:40Oh, well, you'd better ask Dennis about that, hadn't you, eh?

37:42Because he's the one that knows what Ali Frears has updo

37:45Some of the places condemned he hasn't got more facilities than Thorntonley Manor, by the sound of it

37:50Yeah, well, they couldn't have less, could they?

37:52We haven't finished the job yet

37:53No, no, but it's not looking too promising the way things are going, is it, eh?

37:57I mean, is he going to put a proper fire escape in?

37:59Because that's regulation

38:00What about central heating system, eh?

38:02Eh?

38:03I don't know

38:03Don't know?

38:05Don't bloody care, Moley, I think

38:06Look, as if I remember rightly, you weren't too wild about some of the quality that went to them flats were built in Germany

38:12That didn't stop you finishing the job

38:14Yes, yes, yes, but that was different, wasn't it, man?

38:16That was for Germans

38:17This is for British people, man

38:19Old age British people and all

38:21I mean, I wouldn't be able to get to sleep at night if I thought I was creating slum conditions for some poor old grandma to live in

38:27Supposed to have left all had behind in their fifties, weren't we?

38:31Yeah, come on, then

38:31Is this a cowboy job or what? I mean, there's pride involved in this, isn't there?

38:35Look, I've dealt with Fraser since the start on this

38:37As far as I'm concerned, the job is above board

38:40Your precious pride will not be abused

38:43Look here

38:43No, no, man, it's not okay, man

38:45We've seen all the crap material arriving on the job in the last few days, haven't we?

38:49Couldn't build a bloody garden shed with most of that, Lutz

38:52The job's sound

38:53Aye, so you say

38:54Aye, I do say

38:55I'm the gaffer

38:57Ali Fraser's the gaffer, man

38:58And the way things are looking, all he's going to do is fart and you crawl up and have a crap

39:02Sorry about the yolk shop pudding, folks

39:07Oh, don't worry, pet, I can't always get it to rise myself

39:10Tasted all right, Neville, it was just a bit flat, that's all

39:14Maybe you should call it Lincolnshire pudding

39:16I'll make some coffee

39:18Oh, here you go

39:22Thanks

39:23Cheers

39:26I'm really glad that you invited us round, Neville, because I wanted to have a word with you about our Dennis

39:31Oh, what about Dennis?

39:33Well, do you think there's anything bothering him at the minute?

39:36No

39:37No

39:39Don't think so

39:40Why, I suppose now he's the gaffer, some of the lads are a bit of a problem, eh?

39:44No, I wasn't talking about work

39:47Well, I don't think you'd tell me if it was anything else, Norma, quite honestly

39:51Why, what's up, Leigh?

39:53Is there something wrong, Norma?

39:55Well, I didn't really want to bring it up, but the thing is I am very worried about him

40:02I mean, I bumped into this woman, Audie Charles, a couple of weeks ago

40:05Look, you might know her, Brenda

40:07Oh, aye, the mouth of the time

40:09Yeah, well, she'd heard that our Dennis owed Ali Fraser a load of money

40:13And that was why he was working for him

40:15Oh, Pitt, I'm sure it's not true

40:18What do you think, never could it be true?

40:22Well, he's not said nothing to me about it, but, er, I suppose it's possible

40:26Oh, every time I raise the issue with him, he just clams up, he'll not tell me anything

40:31Mind you, I don't mean to be personal, Norma, but I must admit I was a bit surprised when I found out Dennis was working for Ali Fraser

40:39I mean, he has got something of a reputation as being a...

40:42Yes, you don't need to beat about the bush, Brenda

40:45We all know he's a crook

40:46I mean, how would you feel if one of your relatives was working for a crook?

40:49You'd be bound to be worried, wouldn't you?

40:52Well, I am working for him in a way

40:54Oh, look, I'm sorry to bring this up

41:00There'll probably be a simple explanation

41:02Talk about it some other time

41:04Well, look, if it's any help, Norma, I'll have a word with him when I get back the night

41:10Would you, Neville? I would appreciate that, thanks

41:12That's probably Interpol now

41:16Hello

41:19Oh, hello, Ali

41:20Uh-huh

41:21What's he doing around here?

41:23Neville, it's Ali and me squash partner

41:25He's an Egyptian doctor

41:26Sorry, erm...

41:29Egyptian?

41:30Tuesday

41:31By 4 o'clock in the afternoon

41:33And we shall camp tonight

41:35All right, lads

41:36Hello, Neville

41:38Nice weekend

41:39Aye, not bad, thanks

41:40Eight to much, of course

41:42Kinda whacked the wife's cook, of that

41:44I'll see

41:46Tell us about

41:48Yeah

41:49He's upstairs sulking in the office

41:51Sulking?

41:52Aye

41:52Well, I had a gunner in the afternoon

41:56And the boy in, I would, er, this job and Ali Frazer and that

42:01Didn't seem to take it a while, were they?

42:03Anybody fancy a cup of tea?

42:06Aye

42:07Every week, five

42:08Good

42:09Oh, Neville

42:13You have a good time?

42:15Aye, not bad

42:16Nice to know where you're normal, are they?

42:19Aye

42:20Shall I eat?

42:21Well...

42:24No

42:25She's not all right

42:26Why? What's the matter?

42:27She's worried

42:29About you and Ali Frazer

42:31Well, I'm hardly having an affair with Ali Frazer, that's what she thinks

42:35No, but you're more than just an employee, aren't you?

42:38What are you getting at, Neville?

42:40You own him money

42:44Has oldie Charles been jangling it again, has she?

42:47Look, there's nothing in it, Neville, man

42:49Isn't there not?

42:51Would explain a lot of things, Dennis

42:53Like what?

42:54You're bodging this conversion for a start

42:58It's not like you would have put up with shoddy work, Den

43:01No, unless that's what Frazer wants from you

43:04Neville, in case you hadn't noticed, the construction industry in this country is knackered

43:09We can't be too choosy about the work we're doing anymore, because it might be the last we're gonna get

43:14Look, if I can keep my head above water and feed my kids

43:17By skimping on a conversion for Ali Frazer, I'm gonna do that, man

43:21So would you

43:23You must hold me half a lot of money to talk like that, Dennis

43:29How much?

43:31Six thousand pounds

43:33At the last count, all that's not including interest, eh?

43:37Which knowing Ali Frazer would be about fifty percent

43:41Why, then, for God's sake?

43:43You wouldn't understand, Neville, man

43:45Look, you've got a happy marriage

43:46I've never had one

43:48I mean, you know what it was like for me when I came back from Germany, what, with Dagmar and...

43:53For a while, I tried to make things better by throwing money about

43:59I was wrong, wasn't I?

44:02The time I realised I was wrong, it was too late

44:05I'm in a hole now

44:08With Ali Frazer looking down at me

44:13Well, why didn't you tell us? We are your mates

44:15It doesn't concern you, Neville, not directly, anyway

44:17It does!

44:18Look, if we're having to compromise ourselves as well, it does

44:20Never mind, it's just a peddling little four-week job

44:23If I bring it in on time and to Frazer's meager budget, I'm in the clear

44:28If I don't

44:30Well

44:32I might just end up in the town with me pockets full of bricks

44:45Morning, Dennis

44:47Soto

44:48No doubt

44:53Been another slight change in the plans

44:56The kitchens this time

44:57Don't tell me

44:58They only have to be big enough to fit one microwave oven

45:02Close, close

45:03Well, let's go and see how far your lads have got, shall we?

45:06Oh, morning, fellas

45:07Well, it's a bit early for a tea break, isn't it?

45:08Aye, aye, how well lads, shape up a bit, eh?

45:09If you took them stupid glasses off, Hedgehog, and had a look about, you'd see there's no tea cups lying around

45:24That's because it's not a tea break, it's a strike

45:30A strike?

45:31That's right, Sunbeam, a strike

45:33Well, you'd better sort this lot out with your gaffer

45:35No, you sort it out with yours

45:37You tell Ali Frazer that nothing gets done here when he upgrades his conversion

45:41And more importantly, it'll he takes the squeeze off Dennis

45:43Never

45:44No, it's all right, then

45:45We're all determined about this

45:46Hey, now, what's going on here?

45:47Look, you got the message, didn't you, Hedgehog? Eh?

45:50Piss up and pass it on to Frazer

45:52Right

45:53If that's the way you boys want it

45:56Thanks a bunch

46:07Thanks a bunch

46:10Never talk while I put it, you know, the... everything

46:14See what I gather?

46:16Dennis

46:17It seemed like a choice between doing this job properly or being loyal to you

46:23So what happened?

46:26Well, we figure out and do both

46:31Right, I'll have me fare for you for 200

46:45Yes

46:47Oh, hello, Howard

46:48Yeah, yeah, how are you? How are you?

46:50Problem? What do you mean, problem?

46:57Right

46:59Right, just leave that with me

47:00I'll send a few of my industrial relations consultants in

47:03Sort the bastards out

47:07Yes, your turn to a real fan load of you

47:10Where are you?

47:11Oh, don't forsake me, oh, my darling

47:15On this hour and day

47:19I think the boys from the brown stuff have just arrived

47:37We've arrived

47:38We've arrived

47:39We've arrived

47:40We've arrived

47:44We've arrived

47:45Well, you just failed

47:57uh did i ever tell anyone i was a quake

48:06come to persuade you back to work

48:10well you just failed

48:12i don't suppose we can reason with them

48:15i think it's too late for that now

48:18oh yeah and i had to use it and all

48:30don't hit me don't hit me i'm a bleeder

48:40anyone got a match i'll save

48:48fire to this bastard

48:55the fighting side of me you remember that

48:57it's one of mills

49:02hit him

49:05hit him

49:09face dirty i can get angry

49:16do you want to go on

49:31there

49:38yes it started a while ago

49:46just strangers thrown together

49:51helpless heroes

49:53caught in the dream

49:55boy we made such a crazy team

49:59luck and out on the limb we saw each other

50:06laugh it off

50:08we made a few

50:09back with the boys again

50:15back with the boys again

50:17back with the boys again

50:19we're back

50:20we're back

50:21back with the boys again

50:26One for all and all for anyone

50:30Long as they play the game

50:32Sharing chances and taking all the blame

50:37Back with the boys again

50:41Oh, we're back

50:45Back with the boys again

50:48Yeah, we're back

50:56Yeah, we're back

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