A.W.P. S02 E11. Law and Disorder.

deaddogsdam

First broadcast 2nd May 1986.  Two relentless tabloid reporters pursue the lads, convinced they are a pack of heavy-duty villains wanted back home for an audacious payroll robbery.  Christopher Fairbank - Albert Moxey Pat Roach - Bomber Busbridge Jimmy Nail - Oz Osborne Gary Holton - Wayne Norris Kevin Whately - Neville Hope Tim Healy - Dennis Patterson Timothy Spall - Barry Taylor Bill Paterson - Ally Fraser James Booth - Kenny Ames Lesley Saint-John - Vicki Madelaine Newton - Christine Chadwick Julia Tobin - Brenda Hope Patrick Godfrey - Geoffrey Oxlade Georgine Anderson - Pauline Oxlade Melanie Hill - Hazel Redfern Paul Antony-Barber - Russell Peggy Shields - Alice Barbara Miller - Beattie Kenny Ireland - Sid Payne Bernard Martin - Ronnie Williams Eric Mason - Terry Leather Joseph Long - Carlos Dave Carter - Lionel Arturo Venegas - Spanish Barman Catherine Whately - Debbie Hope

Transcript

00:00No one said it was going to be easy

00:16Nobody said it had to be fair

00:25All of the chances taken together

00:28And all the changes we had to share

00:34Well, you think we've made it all worthwhile

00:42Then you realize no one cares

00:49But we're going to get it right this time

00:54Cause we've passed the point of no return

01:00And we're never going to go down that road again

01:08And we're going to get it right this time

01:14Because we're not going to get it private

01:26If you're not going to get it you'll have to do that

01:31Maybe they'll get it right next

01:32Or people go up and then twenty one

01:33And they're still going to get it, but every no need

01:35Someone that's gonna get it

01:35Or people have to do that

01:36They're still on board

01:36Because they don't move

01:37And when you see me

01:38And people others who come on

01:39Hello, Blamey.

01:41Sorry, darling. Hello, Mr Fraser.

01:43Oh, I just called me Billy Butlin for the moment, eh?

01:47It's very good if you could let me have you a villa for a few days, Mr Fraser.

01:51Oh, my pleasure, my dear. I know just what these tourist hotels can be this time of year,

01:55especially when you've got a young family, eh?

01:57Oh, they aren't how expensive it can be with us lying around, don't know.

02:01Well, Dennis, I did bring you out here to work,

02:03and if the unwelcome glare of publicity prevents that,

02:05well, a few economies are always welcome.

02:07Perhaps we should pay for our own rooms, Mr Fraser.

02:10We're not all on your payroll, after all, are we?

02:12Oh, go on, now, let's stop chatting about this all day.

02:15Go on, I'll get Vicky to help you in with the bags. Vicky!

02:17And there will you be staying while we're in your villa, Mr Fraser?

02:20I'll have to take a little suite over at the Marbella Club.

02:23Isn't that where all the rich playboys hung out?

02:26Golf course in every room and that.

02:28Well, personally, Neville, I've always found it a wee bit overrated,

02:30but I thought that Vicky here could do with a break.

02:32And anyway, there's no point in us hanging around here, you know,

02:35a walk with a swimming pool out of commission and a place like a building site.

02:38Oh, but yes, it must have been terrible for you.

02:40Still, it'll be nice and quiet for the bairn.

02:42Hello, Vicky.

02:43All right, Brenda, Christine?

02:44That looks lovely.

02:45Do you like it?

02:46I've got that Italian boutique we found down at the port.

02:49It's organic silk, whatever that means.

02:52It means the worms were free-range.

02:54Anyway, Vicky, I think you should take the girls in for a drink

02:56when I have a word with the boys.

02:58As I know about time you took that frock off, I think you've had it on for about 20 minutes, eh?

03:01And I'll join you later.

03:04Just have a word with the boys.

03:10Right, Dennis.

03:11You've got two days off and then I want your mob graphic.

03:13All right, all right.

03:14Look, it's not awful.

03:15There's so many criminals around here, I thought they'd get confused with.

03:18Maybe you should have found a better place.

03:21We didn't go and seek in the publicity, you know.

03:24Just we got tricked.

03:25Maybe so, but trouble the new lot seemed to go hand in hand.

03:28And talking about that, where are the other Herberts?

03:51Doin' it?

03:52On the beach.

03:54We can let it all hang out.

03:57On the beach.

03:58We can let it all hang out.

04:00Oh, and for you, Wayne.

04:02It might be a topless piece, but there certainly isn't a bottom one.

04:05Huh?

04:06The local coppers have probably got a special bare bumper door.

04:09Yeah.

04:10Big old stations, trained to kill at the first sight of something round and white.

04:14Shut up.

04:15Christ, mate.

04:16Sand.

04:18Bloody Germans everywhere.

04:20Come to listen to him spouting his bullshit of some talk.

04:24We'll be back in this little.

04:26Oh, don't you start moaning us.

04:28You must have dreamt of days like this when you were in that hut.

04:31Landed on that field here, boy.

04:33No mistake.

04:34Aye, well.

04:35We're not being feared, are we?

04:37I mean, it's still Fraser's time, isn't it?

04:39He should be flocking it for this.

04:41Hold on.

04:42I think he's been quite generous under the circumstances, Oz.

04:45I mean, we could have all been shipped back to Blighty, couldn't we?

04:48Yeah, well, that's what I said in Guantanamera, isn't he?

04:51Es un hombre sincero.

04:56He's a sincere man, isn't he?

04:58Sincero hombre in me, Oz.

05:01He gets root here under false pretenses.

05:03He's got we're grafting under false pretenses.

05:05No, he's got we're living under false pretenses.

05:07How do you reckon that one, Oz?

05:09Well, look.

05:10The Spanish old Bill think we're illegal workers, eh?

05:13The British press think we're just illegal altogether.

05:16So no one happened to pretend to be tourists.

05:19And, er, what's wrong with that, then?

05:21What's wrong with that?

05:22What's wrong with that, London, is the tourists,

05:25as you'd notice if you had half a brain,

05:28usually going around with quite a bit of dough.

05:30Whereas us, by and large, are humpy

05:32because the brains are stuck on my tap, aren't we?

05:34Oh, you don't need money to enjoy yourself here, Oz, I mean.

05:37Look around you.

05:38Natural beauty and bloody sea and sand

05:41are the most interesting culture to absorb.

05:44Put your heat in the plastic bags.

05:46Listen, all I'm trying to say, mate,

05:49is the best things in life are free.

05:55You're not wrong, Barry. Cop this lot.

06:04Anybody fancy a kickerboot?

06:05If you'll kick it in their direction.

06:07Oz, I don't want to deprive you of a moment of pleasure,

06:10but I have to remind you,

06:12we English are bound from football in Europe, if you remember.

06:17Hey, come on. Hey.

06:21Cut off a bit more living here, love.

06:31Oh, hello, mate.

06:33Where's the rest of your mob, then?

06:34Oh, er, there on the beach.

06:36Could I have a lager, please?

06:37Oh, no, that's a shame.

06:39Look, I've given it place of honour, I know.

06:42Ah, hey. We asked you not to do that.

06:44It's bloody embarrassing, you know.

06:46You'll get used to it, son.

06:47Oh.

06:48Hello, Mr. Leather.

06:50Oh, sorry, please.

06:51Oh, would you, er...

06:52Oh, er, Moxie.

06:54We didn't go caught in that publicity, you know.

06:56I'm sure you didn't.

06:58None of us goes chasing newsprint, do we?

07:00But you see, if you adjourn over here suddenly,

07:02leaving a few question marks behind,

07:04well, it's bound to happen, isn't it?

07:05Aye, I suppose so, yeah.

07:07And also, Moxie, what you've got to remember

07:09is that these people, these so-called gentlemen of the press,

07:12are in fact the scum of the earth.

07:14You wouldn't say hello to them on a lonely day.

07:16That's very true, Terry.

07:17Yeah.

07:18Hey, what's that you're drinking?

07:19Er, scotch, is it?

07:20Yeah, cheers.

07:21Nought.

07:22Oh, er, I'm out for, er, Terry, and, er, I'll have a lager, please.

07:27Jenny.

07:28Serve it, gentlemen, love.

07:30You see, these people do not have one iota of respect for the privacy of the individual.

07:37Let me tell you that Princess Di, Joan Collins, I reckon,

07:41they've got my utmost sympathy for the intrusions that they incur.

07:45Well, people always want to have a call at you when you're famous, don't they?

07:48Right.

07:49Yeah, some of those nomarchs made a bob or two out of your exploits, they tell.

07:51Oh, don't even mind me.

07:53Yeah, there was this geezer who lived down our street in Hilton, see?

07:56Now, I met that bloke twice, right?

07:58Once when I picked my little girl up from his kid's bonfire night party,

08:02and once when he borrowed my hovering lawnmower.

08:05Well, next thing I know, he's managed to stretch these briefing counters

08:09into three instalments of the villain on my doorstep.

08:12We certainly learnt our lesson, keeping our heads down from now on.

08:16So you'll all be staying down here for a bit then, will you?

08:19Well, I think the others will be moving on, like, you know, but,

08:22I'm gonna stick around for a while, yeah?

08:24Well, you've been needing a drum then.

08:25You what?

08:26Oh, yeah, yeah.

08:28What you got in mind? A villa? Condo?

08:31Something like that, yeah.

08:33Listen, Moxie, anything you want, feel free.

08:36Investment advice, real estate, a new motor.

08:39I mean, we know a few people, do you understand me?

08:43No, sorry. Thanks very much.

08:46Actually, er, there is something you could, er, help us out with.

08:51Sure, sure.

08:52Yeah.

08:53Might sound a bit soft, but, er,

08:55don't know of any plastering jobs going round here, do you?

08:57Eh?

08:58Well, hang on.

09:00You can't be short of that few bob, surely?

09:03No.

09:04No, it's just the way of, er, passing the time, like.

09:08Well, I don't know, I don't understand you northern leds.

09:11Must be all that ovus you eat.

09:13You speak English, love.

09:25Right, babe.

09:26She speak English.

09:28Babe.

09:30Where, where are, well, where are the doors?

09:35Where are the, well, where are the, well, I can't believe I, it's pretty dafty.

09:56Yeah.

09:57Espanol?

09:58No, I expect.

09:59No?

10:00No.

10:01Oi, oi, London.

10:02What's happening?

10:03Hope your cone handle's showing up to me.

10:06Oh, no!

10:12Not much joy up near us.

10:14See, er, well, they're Norwegian, ain't they?

10:16And you know what your only point of reference is,

10:18they're Norwegian, don't you?

10:20Open deck's on, ain't it?

10:22Very Danish.

10:23What?

10:24Danish.

10:25Well, that's probably why they're a bit sticky, then, innit?

10:31Hello, lads.

10:32Sorry to interrupt when I can see you're busy.

10:36Who are you?

10:37Have you lads got a few words to say to the press?

10:40Oh, yes.

10:41I've got two, and the second one's off.

10:44Yeah, go on and beat it.

10:45We're in enough trouble, custom, you buggers.

10:47We know about that, but where do we help you, lads?

10:49Where?

10:50You wouldn't happen to know the Norwegian for cannot get into your knickers, would you?

10:54Look, the more you stall out, it's the more difficult it's gonna be for you in the end.

10:59Look, look, look.

11:00Can I have a swim?

11:01Can I have a swim?

11:02Look.

11:03That rubbish in the paper wasn't true, right?

11:05It was a lot of crap.

11:06Oh, right?

11:07We're not bank robbers, man.

11:08For Christ's sake.

11:09Lovely.

11:10I've got two, so we can write spoilers on that crap Nick Wheeler wrote.

11:13So, just tell us who you really are, what you're doing here, and we'll all go home.

11:17Just mind your own business, man, will you?

11:19Yeah, you were not helping us, son.

11:20Look, boyos.

11:21What the luck wrote was a load of cobbler.

11:23We know it, so why shall we have to prove it to you?

11:25So we can deny it on your behalf.

11:27Oh, yeah?

11:28Right, so the other mob can deny it again, and it's a vicious circle, innit?

11:33Yeah, I've had enough of these bastards.

11:35I'm from burying them in the sand.

11:37Head first, eh?

11:38Hey, hold on, hold on.

11:39Head first?

11:40Here, hold on, son.

11:41Yeah?

11:42What?

11:43We can always head back to England and write you up as Oladine scranges from the Dole Cube.

11:48Can you?

11:49All right, all right, it's all right.

11:50It'll probably take a day or two for you to realise it's all in your own good.

11:57Come on, Ronnie.

11:59Remind me not to buy peepers when I get home.

12:03Yeah?

12:04Who are they?

12:05More bloody journalists, wouldn't they?

12:08Ha!

12:09Shade to ask more, ain't it?

12:10What have they once?

12:11Well, apparently we've still got to clear our names in that great popular court known as the press.

12:16Look, you know what?

12:17I think we should set the record straight and tell them while we're here.

12:20Oh, yes, but if we do that, man, the job goes down to crap. I done it.

12:25Here.

12:26Cheers.

12:27Yeah?

12:28Besides, I've already told you that.

12:29Oh, yes, but if we do that, man, the job goes down to crap.

12:30I done it.

12:31Cheers.

12:32Besides, I've already told Terry Leather we really are the Sheffield payroll robbers.

12:37You've done what?

12:39Well, I thought it would be a good idea, you know, to play along with it, help us get established

12:44round here.

12:45You're the only one who's staying, Mux.

12:46He won't help us when we try to get back into Britain.

12:48If we get back to Britain, eh?

12:50I mean, these geezers ain't exactly noted for their tolerance where wind-ups are concerned, Mux.

12:55Yeah.

12:56Well, he's asked us to join us down the bar, you know, for a bevy and a sing-song.

13:02There you go, Vicky.

13:03Sing-song?

13:04Sing-song?

13:05Sing-song.

13:06See you, Gigi.

13:09I'm a bit nervous.

13:10Come on.

13:11I'm a bit nervous.

13:12Go, go, go, go, go.

13:14Hey, now, Vicky.

13:33This is my best poshest gaffe,

13:35so don't speak until you're spoken to and then just nod, OK?

13:39Sometimes I think you're ashamed to be seen with me, Ali Fraser.

13:42Eh, no, not ashamed, Vicky, but frequently embarrassed.

13:45Well, why, like, what have I done?

13:47What, have you got an hour to spare?

13:48Well, last night, for example, I take you to a Mission on One Star restaurant,

13:52international Playboy customers, wall-to-wall.

13:55I order you a beautiful dish of steamed turbots stuffed with scallops,

13:59and you complain to the waiter because you think your fish knife is a cake slice.

14:03Stick to spaghetti tonight, honey, OK?

14:06Oh, I love my rosy char.

14:08You've got the way to make me happy.

14:12You and me, we're going to start.

14:16You're a stalwart woman.

14:19Do you think it's a...

14:20Hello there, Charlie.

14:21Yeah, darling, you're hungry, honey.

14:23Hang to me, darling.

14:24It's all that keeps running on.

14:29Hey, what up, Greg?

14:30Oh, but sure, I'll go back one day, family, eh?

14:33Hey, take my boy to see the hammers on a Saturday, eh?

14:37Yeah, I miss going down on Sunday morning to Perrigan Lane

14:40and having a nice big bowl of jellied hills, eh?

14:43Oh, yeah.

14:44Thank you, Charlie.

14:45Thank you, Charlie.

14:48Thank you, Charlie.

14:49Yeah!

14:50Thank you, Charlie.

14:55Thank you, Charlie.

14:57You know what, it's spicy, please?

15:00It's like Bermondsey, transported to the Costa del South.

15:04I was standing at the bar there before getting the bevies.

15:08And a bloke comes up and says,

15:09tooled up on your last job, were you, Geordie?

15:12Oh, aye, aye.

15:13I had two troubles.

15:16Spirit level.

15:19He never laughed at it, didn't he, Lily?

15:23Desperate, baby.

15:24I see you that again.

15:26If you look at these, yeah,

15:27you can just tell by looking at them

15:30that they've spent best part of my life

15:33by hanging an hanging board and some poxy towel, you know.

15:36Husband and lieutenant, all that time budget.

15:38Just manages to keep everything together

15:40with a promise of one big last job

15:43and then it'll be off-ski to the sunshine, champagne, you know, that, like.

15:47And then it comes up and they get to you

15:49and what do they do?

15:52Recreate all the squalor that the trail

15:53wanted to piss off I'm in a force, please.

15:57What a futile existence, eh?

16:00No need to work,

16:02but no real way of enjoying themselves.

16:05It's not getting pissed and getting maudlin about London.

16:08Fish with a one, that one, isn't it?

16:12I wonder what their kids do for schooling?

16:15Oh, God, nice.

16:19Perhaps their dad's tension?

16:20You can just imagine that, can't you?

16:26All right, now, son.

16:28Here's the question.

16:29If your daddy and your uncle Terry and your uncle Arthur

16:31stick up an armoured car for half a million quid

16:34in the mainland road,

16:36how much does that leave them with each?

16:38And you can use their fingers.

16:41Ho-ho-ho!

16:43It was in spring

16:44When spring became in the summer

16:48I'm not stopping here much, man.

16:51Hey, a bit frightening, isn't he?

16:54Huh?

16:55No, I'm talking about Peter Gordino there, man.

16:58He's touching him

17:00Rebeating on

17:04Touching me

17:07Touching you

17:09You bloody idiot, man.

17:18We're supposed to be keeping our heads down for a few days.

17:20Yeah, well, it's all right for you, all right, isn't it?

17:23You've all got homes to go back to.

17:25This is going to be my new home

17:26and I was just trying to make some new friends.

17:34Sorry, lads.

17:36Well, look, I suggest you just have a quiet night back at the hotel, look, you.

17:40Well, I've had enough of drinking champagne anyway.

17:43Aye, I'm fed up with paying for it now.

17:45But they must think, what?

17:47May they do?

17:48Probably, aye.

17:49Come on, it's no harm done.

17:54Just didn't think.

18:05Mrs. Hope, there's really nothing to worry about.

18:08It's all been a ludicrous mistake.

18:12Yes, I know.

18:15Yeah, it must be.

18:19Yeah, I can imagine.

18:24I know.

18:26Uh-huh.

18:32Well, they'll just have to think, what the trick?

18:35I mean, some people are...

18:36Oh, look, there's Debs.

18:38I have to go.

18:39No, don't worry.

18:40Nothing serious.

18:41Yeah, I'll have to dash.

18:43Yeah, bye.

18:43Bye.

18:45Neville's mother.

18:49Spain's no place for a child of that age.

18:52Can you imagine?

18:53Did she read it in the papers as well?

18:55Why, yes.

18:56Man, she's had the whole street round.

18:58You think she'd be pleased?

18:59No one's visited her for years.

19:00Just a minute.

19:03Is that somebody coming in?

19:05Can't be them back already.

19:07Neville?

19:10It wouldn't be the lads.

19:11Surely they'd have put the terrace lights on.

19:14I'm sure I did hear somebody coming in.

19:17Who's that?

19:18Anyone at home?

19:20Who are you?

19:21We're reporters, love.

19:22Just want a quick word.

19:28Six and nine, 69.

19:31Anyone who giggles will get disqualified.

19:33I'm the king to my room.

19:36What's he on about, Russell Grant?

19:38I'll tell you when you get a bit older.

19:40I'm well done here.

19:42Four and eight, 48.

19:45Can't you think of anything to go with that, Russell?

19:48I'm thinking it, but I dare you to see it.

19:51I'm five and five here, Peppy, when you've got a minute, right?

19:55Bit of mind.

19:57Bit of a bit.

19:58We're going to get round to playing out this later than anybody.

20:01Shut up, man.

20:02I'll have a swift day, half, please.

20:04It's a hot time in the old folks' opening night, isn't it?

20:06I wonder if they'll let us have a game, eh?

20:09That's a good idea.

20:10That might improve your image a bit if you found playing bingo,

20:12and only it's pence, now.

20:13Sound an ungrat, if I have a rip, that won't let us play.

20:17That's not you, I was being that.

20:19Right, well, look, whatever you do, try and avoid journalists and criminals, will you?

20:22How are you supposed to tell the difference?

20:24On the floor...

20:25Well, ask Moxie, he's going to have to learn.

20:26Four.

20:27Bingo!

20:28Well done, and let's sit in the kitchen.

20:30Well done, now.

20:32Here, Beatty, what do you think?

20:34Them, the robbers?

20:35Can you see?

20:36I bet young baby face is the leader.

20:38It's always the baby face one that's the most vicious.

20:41Uh-huh.

20:41Yeah.

20:42We'd like all your autographs, Patsy.

20:45Well...

20:46No, no, no, no.

20:47We're not saying anything.

20:49All we want to do, love, is clear the air.

20:51I mean, all this must be very embarrassing for you back home.

20:55Is it?

20:56No.

20:57What's embarrassing is having to answer questions from people like you.

21:00Now, look, we didn't invite you in here,

21:02and we'd be very obliged if you'd kindly leave.

21:05Denise?

21:05Who the hell are you?

21:06It's all right.

21:07It's all right.

21:07Press.

21:08No, it's not all right.

21:09What are you doing in here?

21:10There'd be nothing new questions.

21:11We didn't tell them anything, Neville.

21:13Neville, Hope, and Dennis Patterson.

21:15Is that all right?

21:16It's about the only thing you blokes have got right.

21:18Look, smarten up, son.

21:20We know you're not villains.

21:21As we were saying to you ladies,

21:22all we want to do is clear the air.

21:24Get her the truth.

21:27Oh, how are we here?

21:29We might as well.

21:29Come on, tell them, Dennis.

21:32All right, I am Dennis Patterson.

21:34This is Neville Hope.

21:35We're brickies.

21:36We're from Newcastle, and we're here on holiday.

21:37That's it.

21:38Come on.

21:39What about the rest of the gang?

21:41They're all bricky, yes, too.

21:42We met out in Germany a few years back,

21:44and this is like a reunion, isn't it?

21:46Yeah.

21:47Right, we'll need names and home addresses

21:49so the London desk can check out the backgrounds.

21:52Well, some of these addresses might be a bit vague.

21:55Let's see.

21:55There's Mr Osborne, Mr Taylor, Mr Norris, Mr Busbridge,

22:01and, er, what's that name of your mate there for the spotty face?

22:11Did you pay for them one more bottle?

22:14What?

22:14Oh, go on, give them a tell them when there goes a lot.

22:20They're on front.

22:21What a bloody cheek.

22:23They think we're loaded.

22:24Oh, says a lot for the world today, doesn't it, eh?

22:26People like us can become ear-out figures.

22:28Oh, you mean the people they think we are?

22:30You see, back home in Creighton, there, don't you?

22:33If you're a militant or a football hooligan,

22:35Channel 4 will make a documentary about you.

22:37I can remember a time when a hear-out was somebody

22:40who used to ride across the Atlantic single-handed.

22:45Right, hold on a minute, though.

22:47You seen the way them old codgers reacted to that newspaper thing, didn't you?

22:51Oh, point that out.

22:51Huh?

22:52Well, can you imagine what's happening at the disco

22:54while we're wearing a moxie?

22:56Huh?

22:57Huh?

23:07Stunning, isn't it?

23:14Aye, it is, Dad.

23:17Of course, you realise we can work all our lives

23:19and never afford any of this.

23:21Oh, don't depress us just yet, Nev.

23:24Only consolation I take is

23:26Ali Fraser probably isn't very happy.

23:29Aye.

23:31Do seem the sort of bloke that finds pleasure hard to come by,

23:33don't he?

23:35Oh.

23:37Now I remember why I like you so much.

23:44Don't seem so stupid now, do I?

23:47Take it all back.

23:50Most of it, anyway.

23:56Shall we have breakfast in bed?

23:59Oh, that's funny.

24:00Funny I thought we already had.

24:07I'd be glad I couldn't get a fry up.

24:32Do you have to do that?

24:46Do you have to do that?

24:48It's a load.

24:49Oh, sorry.

24:50Oh, what was that bloody stuff you were drinking last night?

24:53Never mean what we weren't drinking.

24:56It was what them bastard grubbies was guzzling and done all their damage.

24:59I've got about three puns left.

25:06Maybe we should rob a payroll wagon after all.

25:08That remark is in very poor taste if you don't want me saying so, Moxay.

25:12If it wasn't for people like you glamorising criminal activity,

25:15we wouldn't be pestered by the press, would we?

25:17We're exploited by those vacuous females.

25:19That's nice.

25:21Didn't stop you sticking to the door, did it?

25:23See if there's any exploiting to be done, eh?

25:25Interesting.

25:26Well, if we can't go out, we can't stay in.

25:28Not much point in being here, is it?

25:30We're not tourists.

25:32We're not workers.

25:34We're trapped.

25:35We're in limbo.

25:37They live in limbo, yeah, man.

25:39They make the look.

25:40Barry's got a point, though, eh?

25:42Leisure without graph has got a pretty other ring.

25:43Well, none of this is actually helping to decide what we're going to do today, though, is it?

25:50Don't think I can face another day of sunlight, sangria.

25:56Not food, either.

26:02I've just had an absolutely brill idea.

26:06Why don't we hire a couple of cars, hit the road, eh?

26:10Toddle off down to Gibraltar, it's not fine, eh?

26:12That ball will happen now.

26:13What do you think?

26:14Well, maybe cheap British beer, duty-freeze, and today's papers, too.

26:19Papers, they're still a sore point, you know, Bob.

26:22Aye, go on, I'm up for it.

26:23I've always wanted you to take them with them baboons.

26:27All right.

26:28Here is my contribution.

26:30I suggest you three pull your resources as well.

26:33I'll go and wake Wayne up.

26:36If he's interested, I'll get a high carb ration with his option.

26:39All right.

26:39Good morning.

26:40Good morning.

26:40One up the day of five-seater Porsche.

26:51What's this, then?

26:52It must be.

26:59I think we should have took some light when she hadn't took with these.

27:02Who fancies driving, then?

27:03If you don't drive these, mate, you peddle them.

27:05Does anyone ever mind if I take the wheel of one of them?

27:07Oh, no, no, yeah.

27:08Oh, Boston.

27:09I've always wanted a matter on the continent, ever since I bumped into Pat Moss once in Alford's.

27:13Well, I'll do the trip down because I'll be too pissed to drive coming back.

27:16Well, hold on, Moxley, you get in one, buddy.

27:19I hope we will keep all the boring bastards in one, can't you?

27:21Oh, I tell very much.

27:24You lead on, Barry, and if you have any trouble, I'll flash my lights.

27:26Light.

27:27Light.

27:27We've only got one.

27:29Light out.

27:29Hey, just a minute.

27:31Weren't you becadosed a couple of months back?

27:34Yes, I was.

27:35But I have not yet been convicted.

27:36Even if I had been.

27:37As well you know, worse criminals than drunken drivers are letting those police poxy country.

27:42Thanks.

27:47I wonder what the others are up to.

27:50Well, we haven't heard a thing for nearly 18 hours, so them must actually be keeping to the trouble.

27:56New world record.

27:58Ha, ha, ha.

27:59Ha, ha, ha.

28:05Ain't you fancy riding a tonelier to run?

28:07Give him a pool or something, eh?

28:08Way, aye.

28:13Here you are, Neville.

28:14Your daughter would like a little attention.

28:16Don't bother to get up, Dennis.

28:18We'll find our own way out.

28:19Oh.

28:20Yes.

28:20Brenda and I are going into town, aren't you?

28:22Bye, Pet.

28:23See you later.

28:25Back in time for tea on the terrace.

28:29I don't know what the others are up to.

28:54Well, no.

28:55Bloody petrol gauge, he's reading low.

28:57That Spaniard said he'd fill her up.

28:58Yeah, it's a lightning story.

29:00Well, yeah.

29:00Just pull her and I'll have a piss in the tank.

29:03Cos that was our summer last night.

29:05We like rocket fuel.

29:07Hello there, pull her over.

29:08Looks like they've got the same trouble.

29:09We got the same trouble.

29:10We actually love the gas we got.

29:11Hoping out.

29:12We're going to get the middle shot.

29:20Look at it.

29:23About 50 degrees.

29:23We're going to fight more than six or about eight opportunity.

29:24Look at all the lessons andstone establishments.

29:26We're all ready to get you.

29:28What's up?

29:28worshipped me.

29:29If you want to study yoga great рассказ?

29:30We'll be almost all look present.

29:30We ain't got ho Roi in the Hello.

29:31It's abig sad PR pryss in the morning,

29:32what do you want?

29:33We'll be sure we're ready to fix the next morning.

29:35We'll be sure to meet you again,

29:36Where are you going to go?

29:38Hey, Barry, what the bloody hell are you called it here for?

29:50Sorry, ladies.

29:51I thought you were my mate Barry.

29:54Sorry, lads.

29:55There's just too many of these little white buggers on the road.

29:57Well, I don't know about me.

29:58We'll catch them up in jib.

30:00Well, so'd you brought it, mate.

30:02I'm getting me roched off here.

30:05Oh, well, on my pants is the beer now, too.

30:08Oh, well, I suppose there's worse places to be shipped out there.

30:32Any thoughts on lunch, my petal?

30:35Your good mood's lasting surprisingly well.

30:38Oh, look, there's a couple of your lads.

30:41Oh, what in the name of God are they doing here?

30:43Just don't look at them.

30:44Just don't look at them coming over here.

30:46It's nice to see there's someone else here ashamed of being Seymouth as well as me.

30:50Hey, Pappy, Pappy, if you can walk and talk at the same time,

30:52can you get a couple of beers in the fridge?

30:54For a damn minute's a wonder, yeah?

30:55Yeah, do it.

30:56Oh, yes, uh, gentlemen.

31:03Two beers, may he pour a favour?

31:05Dr. Ressier.

31:06Yeah, that's what he said.

31:07How they've got the brass neck to come in here, I do not know.

31:11I suppose it's their idea of fun to sport their ill-gotten gains in this manner.

31:15Geoffrey, are you going to do something?

31:17Yes, Pauline, I will.

31:18And I'm already composing a strong letter to the Times.

31:22Any chance of getting a port?

31:24Or does that cost more in here?

31:34You don't like the sound of that, Osh.

31:39Will the gentleman be staying for lunch?

31:42The gentleman haven't decided yet, no.

31:44In that case, the gentleman would be so kind.

31:48Er, what's this?

31:54Well, that's what Toby has, man, the 22.

31:56The gentleman are free to drink as well, if they wish.

32:01It's all right.

32:06All this, Peter.

32:07All right.

32:08All right.

32:11All right.

32:12Is it all you will stick this on your raccoon?

32:14And, er, what are you two tearaways doing here, eh?

32:17Have you liked yours, Mr. Fraser?

32:19On your orders.

32:19Oh, but what they do with a sub leak, that's what a bit of me.

32:21All right, well, just drink up and move on out

32:23before my reputation in Marbella is ruined.

32:26Now, let me guess.

32:27Oh.

32:29Planning another bank robbery, are we?

32:30Oh, I remember this prick.

32:33Oh, for Christ's sake.

32:34Now, look here.

32:35What?

32:35You may enjoy immunity from arrest in this country, but you are not immune from our contempt as decent British citizens.

32:42Careful for you.

32:43You're way off market.

32:44Oh, am I?

32:44And I suppose the newspaper report was too.

32:48Well, I'm surprised that you're reading a rag like that.

32:51I usually keep that one wedged behind the paper and the bug.

32:54Yeah, the matter's in the hands of our lawyers, see?

32:56And they'll be quite happy to take an action for slander as well.

32:59I refuse to be intimidated by you.

33:00You may have wealth now, criminally acquired, of course,

33:03but that doesn't entight you to strut around here,

33:07even if you were invited.

33:09Whoa.

33:10I've had enough of this.

33:11All right, sir.

33:11They're just on the very point of leaving.

33:13I'm not going anywhere.

33:14I'm not going anywhere.

33:15I'm talking about I've had enough of this bastard man, Colonel Blimp.

33:18Look, you.

33:18Just suppose we were bank robbers, right?

33:21At least we're crime's honest, isn't it?

33:22It's up front at the end of a barrel where we'll get my door,

33:25whereas you, bastards like you, where'd you get yours, eh?

33:27Bottom of a balance sheet.

33:29I'll fill in your frigging income tax return.

33:31I think we'll skip lunch, Vicky.

33:33Your friend by the pool, he has ordered champagne.

33:36Who's paying?

33:43Oh, hey, buddy.

33:47It's the light bulb.

33:48The coffee in there was lousy.

33:49You chose this bar, Moxie.

33:52You're an errant instinct for catching with this dump out.

33:55I should have known.

33:56This is the perfect end to possibly the worst day of my life.

33:59Yeah, well, I'm sure you can go back to Gibraltar another day on your own.

34:02You're on the wrong side again.

34:09No, no.

34:10The place would probably have left a psychological scar, I mean, for all eternity because of your buffoonery.

34:14I just want to get back to the hotel.

34:17Get to bed and forget this nightmare trip.

34:22I need to stick it all out there, please.

34:28Box egg.

34:29What?

34:32I think I'm going to cry.

34:34Will you look away, please?

34:40I'm going to cry.

34:42Why do I all of a sudden get a dreadful feeling, Nev, you know, like us a stickin'

35:12pins in a Dennis Paterson doll? You know, your boys are wasted in the building industry,

35:16Dennis. They ought to be organising military coups in a banana republic. What's the matter?

35:19Somebody been in Bollerle? Oh, no, nothing like that, no. They've just spent half an hour slagging

35:23off some of the most influential members of Marbella society, of which I am no longer a member.

35:28Thought it was a bit too good to last, eh? Ah, well, you can whistle them all back up now,

35:31because your true humble status has been revealed to a grateful nation. Right, first thing in the

35:35morning, I'll get them back to work. No, I've got a better idea, Dennis. Let's have a night shift.

35:42Oh, so there you are. Where the hell are you up to be? We've been charging all of a bloody

36:05tribunal. I'm trying to find you. It's really wasting your time. Clearly you didn't get there.

36:09Oh, what happened? Punch her or break down? Neither. Thanks to the superlative map-reading

36:15skills of Marco Moxie there, we could not find Gibraltar. What? Well, it's a 500-foot-eye chunk

36:23of bloody rock sticking up in the air. Can't miss it. Yes, Moxie can. Ah, just a minute.

36:28We did get there eventually. Yes, yes, yes, indeed. We did get there eventually, and you spied

36:33a British Bobby at the border gate, and we had to turn back. Well, to any consolation, you

36:39missed much. Oh, it's your brother. They could fail you with chimpanzees. Apparently it's

36:45full of jocks left over from the 1982 World Cup. So where eventually did you end up, then?

36:51Oh, um, yes, we stopped off at a picturesque little dog hole called San Pedro, and, uh, we

36:57got, uh, got wheel clamped. I didn't know they had the Denver shoe here. Yes, yes, indeed.

37:03They do have the wheel clamp in Spain. Yes, it is known as the Catalan clog. Yes, a fact of

37:08which I was reliably informed by the educationist subnormal peasant who put it on our car.

37:13I just hope this catalogue of dejection will melt my hazel's heart and bring a Russian to

37:17me side. Anybody good enough to do it with a round of beers? Well, it's closed. Miss Carlos

37:23has got diarrhea. Yeah? Bloody hell. Dennis? Hello, hello. What's all this? No water

37:31cannon? No riot police? Finished for the day, have you? Oh, oh, oh. Just wrap up, will

37:35you? What a right piss of the day. Aye, well, I've got some more bad news for you. Ali

37:39Frazier wants you back to work seven o'clock sharp in the morning. Oh, great. Talk with

37:43there, Bill. I'm good, my lot.

38:13one time.

38:25Bye-bye.

38:30Bye-bye.

38:35Nice.

38:36Okay.

38:38Bye-bye.

38:39Not quiet on the southern front.

39:00Not that I'd recognise a Spanish Ministry of Labour official if I fell over one.

39:04It's allowed to want a pot of tea, Dennis. I've got the kettle on.

39:06Oh, smashing eye. Best-looking can I'd we've ever had.

39:10Hey, down boy.

39:13You got some cream on your bike?

39:14Nah, I'll be all right. I'd better get back to work.

39:18See you then.

39:36Go, Brenda, special brew out.

39:42Come here.

39:43Got the rest of your drinking, like?

39:45She's fetching us all one, man.

39:53What brings you over on the walls of this pool, there, Dennis?

39:56Er, ceramic and Lucian tails, apparently.

39:59From Habitatio now, no doubt, eh?

40:03It's gonna be like a bloody great bath, isn't it?

40:07Oh, would you? No, you've never been in a bath, eh?

40:09Yeah.

40:10It's nice to see you about your bitchy best.

40:12Just banged a dent.

40:13Your side of improved morale, man, the truth.

40:16I'd say my morale would be up even higher.

40:18My ace would turn up in the next couple of weeks or so.

40:20Oh, you faintly got that good wadge written, did you?

40:23Yes, yes, indeed, I did.

40:24I posted it last night, actually.

40:26Didn't know why you bothered.

40:27You could have launched that bloody thing in the sea and puddled it home.

40:30Oh, great!

40:34Oh!

40:40Oh!

40:41It's your end.

40:43It's...

40:44Oh, gee!

40:49Is it?

40:52What is your name?

40:54I...

40:55Oh, hi.

40:57Hi.

40:58Hello, Barry. Sorry to shock you.

41:01It's all right. I'm amazed that you could be here so quickly.

41:06Well, there's two flights a day from Birmingham International. It only takes two and a half hours.

41:10No, no, no. I don't mean the flying time.

41:12I mean, I'm just amazed that you could have responded so promptly to my emotional appeal.

41:17I only posted it yesterday evening.

41:19Passed what?

41:20A jumbo picture of you with a Costa del Sol with a jumbo love letter on it, Barry.

41:25No, I'm sorry, Barry. I haven't seen this at all.

41:27I booked the flight a couple of days ago.

41:29But Theresa McIntosh and our accounts department had a last-minute cancellation through her family bereavement.

41:34Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.

41:38I was only an old uncle of hers in Mex, but I bet she felt she had to go alive.

41:41No, no, no. I'm sorry that you didn't rush out here in a fit of passion rather than through Theresa McIntosh's misfortune.

41:47I admit I was a bit curious about the newspaper story describing you all as payroll robbers.

41:53Oh, that was a load of bloody nonsense, eh?

41:58You mean it's not true, then?

42:00No.

42:02Of course it isn't.

42:03Well, it's nice to see you anyway, Hazel.

42:06Do you like a drink?

42:07No, thanks.

42:08Well, I tell you what, I've still got this nice little hire car that me and the lads rented.

42:22Here, the fact you're coming up into Sierra with me tonight and have dinner.

42:25I'll have a look in the sea.

42:26I think I'll have an early night tonight, Barry.

42:28I feel a bit jet-lagged.

42:30Oh!

42:31By the way, I'd give that car back if I was you.

42:35The summons has arrived for your drunken driving.

42:38Hi.

42:39Hi, Is.

42:40Hi, Is.

42:41Just a minute.

42:42Hi, Is.

42:43Hi, Is.

42:44Just a minute.

42:45Hi, Is.

42:48Hi, Is.

42:58I thought Barry was gonna boast him, didn't you?

43:03Ah, he's definitely the emotional sort.

43:05He cried the other day, when we got wheel-clamped.

43:07Still, she has taken him to a bullfight, eh?

43:10So the evening won't be a total disappointment.

43:12Well, if the bird took me to a bullfight,

43:14I'd be seriously worried about her mental health.

43:16Senor, please.

43:17Photos, souvenirs.

43:18Oh, Christ, not enough.

43:20Look, man, did you not read the papers?

43:22I just know I'm a working gadgets,

43:24so I sling you a hookah, piss off.

43:26Look, senor, souvenirs of Spain.

43:28Can I take photos?

43:30Oh, I'll get it. We all end up on a flight, eh?

43:33Oh, come on, let's have some.

43:34Ah, it'll be a giggle, won't it?

43:36OK, go ahead.

43:37OK, OK, I'll make four for you.

43:39Leave a total tomorrow.

43:41Don't...

43:44Don't think I could face meat after seeing that bull so...

43:47and wantonly slaughtered.

43:49Have fish, then?

43:51Nothing Mediterranean, I'm not.

43:53Well, would you eat fish straight out of a toilet?

43:55I think we're being a little over-sensitive, don't you, Baron?

43:59That's just my trouble, isn't it?

44:03Here I am, pretending to peruse the Aussie's doofus.

44:06All I'm really thinking about is where you'll be sleeping tonight.

44:09Oh, since you brought it up, Barry.

44:11I'm staying at the hotel about half a mile down the road from you.

44:14Is that all right?

44:15Well, I don't think my passion will reach that far, actually.

44:18But, er, you need to be any nearer. You know where I'll be.

44:20Thank you, Barry. I'm gonna be difficult, but...

44:22this is as close as I want to get at the moment.

44:28I understand, Raze. I respect your need for freedom.

44:32I identify with your need for individuality. I...

44:38Oh, look, I...

44:39She had a photograph taken for old time's sake, right?

44:42Signora, signora, souvenir of your holiday.

44:50Go on, then. Er...

44:52I don't suppose you do separate sittings?

44:54Cheers.

44:56Ha, ha, ha!

44:58Ha, ha, ha, ha!

45:00Ha, ha, ha, ha!

45:01Look, Kenny, I'm a busy boy.

45:26I don't have another money to waste watching you knocking up.

45:28You don't have to watch me knock up, Sunshine.

45:30You can sit down if you want.

45:31I don't think the old ticket could take this train.

45:33Now, what do you want to see me about?

45:38You know this little team of yours has been doing a building.

45:41Oh, no, don't tell me.

45:42They're filled in Marbella Harbour.

45:44I'd have been working up at your place, then, eh?

45:45Well, you never know about that bunch.

45:48Anyway, now this payroll robbery nonsense has subsided,

45:52they can be very useful to me.

45:55I mean, us.

45:56And how is that, Kenny,

45:57since they're a bit as useful as a hole in a lifeboat?

45:59I take it that after they finish tarting up your place,

46:02they'll be going back to Blighty, won't they?

46:04Well, I doubt if they will be very welcome, but yes.

46:07Well, me and a few of the chaps have got certain things

46:09we'd like to take them back to certain people in London.

46:12Oh, no, don't tell me, Kenny.

46:13What, things like keys to safe deposit boxes,

46:17that kind of a thing?

46:18I ain't saying nothing, Ali.

46:20But the point is, now they're in the clear.

46:23And more importantly,

46:25seen as the victims of a press smear.

46:28So the old bill and the customs and the excise

46:30won't be able to get any ump with them, will they?

46:32Which makes them very useful couriers.

46:36There's it, eh, son.

46:38And, um,

46:39what's my cut, Kenny,

46:41if I pass them in your direction?

46:44Goodwill and such.

46:45Don't worry, sunshine.

46:49We'll work something out, all right?

46:51Mr. Amps, to court number eight, please.

46:54I do wish they'd insert the word tennis

46:56before they say court.

47:04Go round to the office.

47:05You sure that's a good idea,

47:07now they know who we really are?

47:08Oh, I don't know.

47:09Ali said they'd still make us welcome.

47:11Apparently they understood

47:12we're victims of a press smear.

47:13In fact, they sympathise with us.

47:15There might be some money in it for us,

47:16I know.

47:17A few little jobs.

47:18Oh, I'll probably run us

47:19a double glass of ours

47:20with bulletproof glass.

47:22I don't suppose there'll be any harm in it.

47:23We're going to lose now.

47:24Our astigmas have been cleansed.

47:26I'm not sure, you know.

47:27Oh, hey, marksman.

47:28We didn't give your name to the paper.

47:30As far as Terry Leather

47:31or anybody else is concerned,

47:32you're still a man of mystery.

47:34Oh, aye, still a man of mystery.

47:36Senor Fogarty, have a look at that.

47:38No doubt about your mystery.

47:39There you are, Senor Taylor.

47:41Yeah, two of these.

47:42In can, don't we?

47:43Don't you?

47:45Don't you bastard

47:45of your own yard one photograph, man.

47:51Why do you think that Isla's doing this?

47:56Hey, lads, listen.

47:57We'll just play it cool, right?

47:59Say what they want.

48:00We don't like the smell of it.

48:01We'll politely decline, okay?

48:02Oh, I love that bloody juice.

48:23Hey, just calm down.

48:24One of you bastards

48:27going to stop picking on me, eh?

48:28Eh?

48:29Yeah.

48:29Why don't you leave us alone,

48:30you shifty sod?

48:31We ain't done nothing.

48:32Which particular comic

48:33you work for, anyway.

48:36Shall we say the police review?

48:43What, you're the old bill, are you?

48:46Scott and Yard Surveillance Squad.

48:47And if this wasn't Spain,

48:49Albert Arthur Moxie,

48:50alias Brendan Mulcahy,

48:52arsonist and absconder,

48:54your arse would be well and truly nicked.

48:56Yes, it started a while ago

49:12Just strangers thrown together

49:16Helpless heroes caught in a dream

49:19Boy, we made such a crazy team

49:23Out of luck or down on the damn wings

49:27Saw each other through

49:29Left it off

49:32And then we shared a few

49:34Back with the boys again

49:38Back with the boys again

49:45Different reasons

49:53Left us leaving

49:55Splitting up

49:57And going on solo

49:59Chasing circles

50:00And getting nowhere

50:02Longing for the way we were

50:05One for all

50:07And all for anyone

50:09Long as they're playing the game

50:12Sharing chances

50:14Of taking all the blame

50:17Back with the boys again

50:21Yeah, we're back

50:24Back with the boys again

50:28Long as they join

50:46And the boys again

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