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00:00The Villages of Britain
00:05A haven of manicured privet, rustic pubs and ancient stores
00:10But behind the hedges in pub gardens
00:15Out on the hills
00:17Are sports and games which defy belief
00:20Yes, we might have given the world the sports were hopeless
00:25At now, but there are still a few we're best at
00:28Here we go together
00:29Because we're the only
00:30We're the only ones who play them
00:32Paddy McGinnis and I have four weeks in which to explore
00:35The Villages of Britain's sporting heritage
00:37In all its eccentric glory
00:39We'll be participating
00:40In all manner of strange competitive events
00:43From nettle eating, bog snorkeling
00:45And cheese rolling
00:47To toe wrestling
00:48Swamp soccer
00:49And eating
00:50Than shin kicking
00:51These sports
00:55Aren't corporate industries
00:56They aren't played in gigantic stadiums
00:58Designed by Lord Forster
01:00They're played in river
01:01They're played in river
01:02They're played in river
01:03And on big hills
01:04Designed by the Lord
01:05himself. These sports use the greatest pitch in the world.
01:10British Countryside.
01:15British Countryside.
01:20British Countryside.
01:25British Countryside.
01:30British Countryside.
01:35British Countryside.
01:40British Countryside.
01:42British Countryside.
01:44British Countryside.
01:45British Countryside.
01:47So take two comics.
01:50One's educated at Cambridge, the other with a GCSE in woodwork.
01:55See who comes out on top as we take each other on in some of Britain's most bizarre and unusual
02:00sports.
02:01Metal eating.
02:02Metal eating.
02:03Metal eating.
02:05Shin kicking.
02:06Shin kicking.
02:07That is such a pretty sport.
02:08Well you go to a pub and you kick someone in the shin.
02:10Absolutely.
02:11Better start thinking of some sports I can win at.
02:14Well if they do...
02:15Cake eating.
02:16No.
02:20The Black Forest Ghetto Marathon.
02:25The Black Forest Ghetto Marathon.
02:29We're starting in...
02:30Middle England.
02:31Here in Gloucestershire, locals love a good cheese.
02:35In fact, they'll risk their lives for it.
02:37Because it's the inspiration for the granddaddy of weird...
02:40World Sports.
02:41Cheese rolling.
02:45What's the cheese rolling?
02:46They roll a big piece of cheese down an hill.
02:48Ah.
02:49And everyone runs it.
02:50New England's after it and nearly British the next.
02:51Fantastic.
02:52Sport made for the British.
02:53That is.
02:54Sport of kings.
02:55With the summer sun blazing and the promise of a belly full of double Gloucester...
03:00We're ready for our sporting debut.
03:02What could go wrong?
03:05Well, for a start, some of the worst weather the month of May has ever known.
03:10Oh, Paddy, bank holiday England, eh?
03:13Hasn't let us down.
03:14No.
03:15Robby.
03:15I wish.
03:16Cheese rolling has been done on Cooper's Hill for hundreds of years.
03:19The aim...
03:20The aim is to chase a rolling cheese down the hill.
03:23First to get there wins it.
03:25Oh, dear.
03:26Oh, dear.
03:27Oh, dear.
03:28Is that it?
03:29That is.
03:30That's a cliff.
03:30That is steep.
03:31We're talking about...
03:32What's a two-in-one?
03:33You're an educated man, right?
03:35Don't worry.
03:36It's fucking steep.
03:37Yeah, fucking steep.
03:38Yeah.
03:39What do you reckon?
03:40Fuck out.
03:41Fuck out.
03:42Fuck out.
03:43Fuck out.
03:44Fuck out.
03:45The notoriously steep hill and the sheer danger in flinging yourself down it has made this
03:49event worldwide.
03:50world-famous.
03:51This is what we need.
03:52Oh, yeah.
03:53Some paramedics, eh?
03:54Yes.
03:55We'll have a dozen.
03:56Yeah.
03:57It's one of the busiest days of the year for Gloucester's...
04:00St John's Ambulance Team.
04:01Is there a certain part of the hill where you get the most injuries?
04:04Is it always...
04:05Is it at the bottom?
04:06Is it just as they set off?
04:07If they hit the ridge, you'll lose it completely.
04:10And it depends on how they land as to whether they hit the floor and break something or whether
04:13they hit the floor and...
04:15survive.
04:16And what's your average injury count for a day, Chiefs Rowling?
04:19In the last...
04:20In the last two years, we've had 42 casualties.
04:22Now, that's worrying because we're not just going to...
04:25watch these bizarre sports.
04:26We're taking part.
04:28But who else could be...
04:30as stupid as us?
04:31Well, king of the hill, local boy and previous champ...
04:35Chris Anderson.
04:36That's who.
04:37Have you won it a couple of times?
04:38In the last three years.
04:40Really?
04:41No.
04:42What's the secret?
04:43Run.
04:44Have you been hurt?
04:45I broke mine core three years ago.
04:46How is it now, right?
04:47So the champion suggests running, eh?
04:50And he's only broken his ankle so far.
04:53Hmm.
04:54As the stop...
04:55As the start draws close, thousands have turned up to watch.
04:58At the summit, runners are waiting to be selected for...
05:00the first of the five races.
05:02I'm at the top of a hill, cold.
05:05wet.
05:06And we're about to see something that is just...
05:10beyond words.
05:11This is it.
05:12Fifteen men on the brink of a grassy cliff.
05:15Waiting to chase a cheese.
05:16Remember...
05:17We love those...
05:18Remember...
05:19We love those...
05:20The current champion with the green top on.
05:22Keep your eye on him.
05:23One to be ready!
05:25Turn be ready!
05:26Please the ball!
05:27Come on!
05:28Come on!
05:29Come on!
05:30Come on!
05:31Come on!
05:32Come on!
05:35Come on, my son!
05:36My money's on you!
05:37Get going, my little green brat!
05:40Oh!
05:41The champion!
05:42He's only told it!
05:46Chris had done it.
05:47But he'd done something else as well.
05:49Everything okay?
05:50Is he alright?
05:51He is still motionless on the floor...
05:55Well, a bit of drama here, because the guy who won it might have hurt himself, so...
06:00It's quite worrying.
06:01I hope he's alright, but he's...
06:02You know, look on the bright side, he has won eight pounds of double gloss for cheese.
06:05With Chris on the road to recovery, it's time for the second race to start.
06:10It's even worse.
06:11It's even worse.
06:15No!
06:16Yeah!
06:17Ganon!
06:18No!
06:19No!
06:24Roll a roll!
06:20Oh
06:24He's got
06:25Oh
06:30That's the
06:35Casualties are carted off once more
06:36I'm wondering whether the first stop on our journey might also
06:40Be our last
06:42Just leave me alone
06:44Will we? Can we do this?
06:45Oh
06:47Oh
06:49Oh
06:50Help
06:52Help
06:55But is there a way to do it without getting hurt?
07:00Yes
07:02Yes there is
07:04A stop
07:05I stopped
07:07The hill became a 200 meter mudslide
07:09The hill became a 200 meter mudslide
07:10And we're going good to soft
07:15And we're going good to have to do it without getting hurt
07:17We're going good to have to do it without getting hurt
07:19We're going good to have to do it without getting hurt
07:21We're going good to have to do it without getting hurt
07:23We're going good to have to do it without getting hurt
07:25We're going good to have to do it without getting hurt
07:27We're going good to have to do it without getting hurt
07:29We're going good to have to do it without getting hurt
07:31We're going good to have to do it without getting hurt
07:33We're going good to have to do it without getting hurt
07:35We're going good to have to do it without getting hurt
07:37We're going good to have to do it without getting hurt
07:39We're going good to have to do it without getting hurt
07:41We're going good to have to do it without getting hurt
07:43It's the only place it's snowing in the whole of the world.
07:46He won!
07:47He's all right!
07:48He's alive!
07:49He's alive!
07:50Well done, my friend.
07:51Well done.
07:52How are you?
07:53Alright.
07:53Good.
07:54What happened with that?
07:55Knocked himself out.
07:56He knocked himself out.
07:57This is the winner.
07:58He's got a carton on a stretcher, but he's absolutely fine now.
08:01Well done.
08:02Even though we'd come down...
08:03...the easy way, I felt elated.
08:05If only Olympic events had the fear factor of cheese rolling...
08:08...what a sport this is.
08:10Well Paddy, we've lost our cheese rolling...
08:13...what a sport this is.
08:14Let's go.
08:15Let's go.
08:16Let's go.
08:18Let's go.
08:21We both lost, but one of us had...
08:23...done worse than the other.
08:24Time to keep score.
08:26I've got this little...
08:28...well all night.
08:29Oh, is that it?
08:30This is the black boot.
08:31Oh, I see.
08:32And all...
08:33Although...
08:34...we both came last.
08:36I was the first last, so...
08:38...technically...
08:39...I am the winner.
08:40So...
08:41I'll put that in here.
08:42Winner!
08:43Paddy!
08:44My Guinness!
08:45And do you know what...
08:46Do you know what...
08:47Do you know what...
08:48...s mad?
08:49Yeah.
08:50If that's what the British people do for fun...
08:51...and for sports...
08:52I know.
08:53God knows...
08:53...what's around the corner.
08:57For very...
08:58...the most bizarre and ridiculous...
08:59...in the depths of Suffolk...
09:00...and we're on the hunt...
09:01...for another of the most bizarre and ridiculous...
09:03...sports ever devised.
09:05A game known as...
09:06...Dweil Flonking!
09:08...Dweil Flonking!
09:09You see, it's Dutch really.
09:10I mean...
09:11...Dweil...
09:12...is the...
09:13...Dutch for...
09:14...a floor cloth...
09:15...or any bit of rag.
09:16I mean...
09:17...East Anglia is full of...
09:18...Dutch infants.
09:19I've seen a lot of blonde birds.
09:20A lot of blonde birds.
09:21A lot of blonde birds.
09:23We've heard that...
09:24...Dweil Flonking takes place...
09:25...in a village called West Hall.
09:27Nestled in...
09:28...in the gentle valleys...
09:29...of Eastern Suffolk.
09:30It's supposed to be...
09:31...some kind of ancient...
09:33...Ritual.
09:34Oh, I tell you what...
09:35...this is what it's all about...
09:36...isn't it?
09:37Beautiful!
09:38You've heard the expression...
09:38...Beyond.
09:39Yeah.
09:40But we're actually slightly...
09:41...behind that now.
09:42Oh, I like it.
09:43I like being there.
09:43And what do we know...
09:44...about this dwarf, Lonky?
09:45Very good question, Paddy.
09:46And one I'm often asked.
09:47Erm...
09:48...Dweil Flonking is...
09:50Well, you flonk your Dwile, don't you?
09:51You have a Dwile.
09:52Yeah.
09:53You flonk it.
09:54I mean, it's not hard...
09:55...which bit of Dwile flonking...
09:56...don't you understand, Paddy?
09:57Flonk your Dwile.
09:58The world headquarters of the sport...
10:00...is said to be at West Hall's Racehorse pub.
10:03And Dwile flonking is some kind of...
10:05...team drinking game.
10:06Sounds good to me.
10:08This is my kind of game.
10:10All together then...
10:11...you start.
10:12Right?
10:13One...
10:13...two...
10:14...three...
10:15...all together!
10:16There we go!
10:17There we go!
10:18There we go!
10:19But people seem to be taking it seriously enough.
10:22Oh, Paddy!
10:23What the hell is going on here?
10:25Oh!
10:26Oh!
10:27Oh!
10:28Two points!
10:29Two points!
10:30Using my celebrity status, we're muscling straight in for a...
10:33...practice.
10:34Paddy McGinnis, ladies and gentlemen!
10:35Yeah!
10:36Thank you!
10:37A very...
10:38Virgin Flonker!
10:39Now what is that you've got there?
10:40This is the driveler.
10:41The driveler, okay.
10:42The driveler.
10:43And that's...
10:43That is the drivel at the end, okay.
10:44That is the drivel that will be soaked in bear.
10:46I will hand that to him.
10:47Right!
10:48Come on, here you go!
10:49Now bear with me.
10:50There's two teams.
10:51One farms a circle...
10:53...and a member of the other team stands in the middle to do the flonking.
10:56Am I just throwing this?
10:58So what?
10:59That's me, with me twile on the end of me driveler.
11:02I'm gonna spin that one.
11:03Oh, come on!
11:07Oh, come on!
11:08Face on me!
11:09Oh!
11:10Oh!
11:11Oh!
11:12Oh!
11:13Oh!
11:13Oh, yes.
11:14I got the anger this straight away.
11:16Here we go!
11:17Here we go!
11:18Here we go!
11:18Depending on where you hit the circle.
11:19But the big thing is, if you miss twice, it's a squad joke.
11:23which means you've got to down a chamber pot full of beer drakes.
11:26I'm warming to this sport.
11:28He's missed.
11:29He's got to do the pot now.
11:30He's got to drink a pot as we're past as well.
11:32How long he's got to drink?
11:33Here we go.
11:34Pop!
11:34Pop!
11:35Pop!
11:35Pop!
11:35Pop!
11:36Pop!
11:36Pop!
11:37Pop!
11:37Pop!
11:38Pop!
11:39Pop!
11:40Pop!
11:41Pop!
11:42Pop!
11:43Paddy McGuinness, a natural Dwyer Flonker.
11:46I didn't know the rules probably...
11:48Well, I'll tell you what, I did that, but I still didn't have a clue what I was doing.
11:50Hey, but it's good fun though.
11:51It looks good.
11:52And I'll tell you what...
11:53What a better sitting than a pub.
11:54I'd guess, yeah.
11:55A pub.
11:58The locals thought so too.
11:59The barrel-emptied fast.
12:01Paradise soon turned to chaos.
12:03A bit like Saturday night in Bolton.
12:07It's a bit like Saturday night in Bolton.
12:08A bit like Saturday night in Bolton.
12:08In the words of Delia, let's be having you!
12:13In a stage set for a proper game, we split into two local teams, Beckles versus Bungie.
12:18OK, are we going to choose a team each then?
12:20Is that the idea?
12:21See you on the other side.
12:23Bye!
12:24Bye!
12:25Bye!
12:26Let's Blonk!
12:28Come on Beckles!
12:29Come on!
12:30Come on!
12:31Come on Beckles!
12:32Come on!
12:33Come on Beckles!
12:34Come on Beckles!
12:35Here we go together!
12:38Come on Beckles!
12:39The game's a classic.
12:40Come on Beckles!
12:41Come on Beckles!
12:42Come on Beckles!
12:43Come on Beckles!
12:44Come on Beckles!
12:45Rory's team take an early lead.
12:46Come on Beckles!
12:47Come on Beckles!
12:48Come on Beckles!
12:49There are casualties along the way.
12:51Come on Beckles!
12:52Come on Beckles!
12:53Short!
12:54Short!
12:55Short!
12:56Short!
12:57Short!
12:58The ref's a bit of a bad sport.
12:59The referee's fucking blind if you don't mind me saying.
13:03Oh!
13:04Oh!
13:05And he's missed completely!
13:06It's a swagger!
13:07Oh!
13:08The sludgers come thick and fast.
13:09Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
13:13It's quite exciting. We've had two swadges which has resulted in two pop pop pop pop
13:18pop pop pop pop pop pop
13:23by the end it's neck and neck
13:28In the confusion we get a penalty which will decide the winner
13:31This is a fine
13:33All this girl had to do was hit someone
13:38Yep, she missed. McGrath had a win
13:41Bungie is the winner
13:43She gonna go!
13:48Outta fair!
13:49We are the boys!
13:53So, that's the first one I've won Dwarf Longing
13:56Yep
13:57He did spot
13:58I blanked it out Rory
14:03Now here we and be boys and here we and be
14:06With our dwells and our drifts
14:08To wild flunkers are we
14:10Now he knows how to play, boy
14:11So here's what I say
14:13Grab hold of them, drivelers, and shout
14:16Dwarves away
14:17Driver like
14:18Driver like
14:19Driver like
14:20Driver like
14:21You know what you're singing there, don't you?
14:22What?
14:23Driver
14:24Driver
14:25Driver
14:26Driver
14:27Cheers
14:28Yes, good health
14:33The next day we're heading north across the fens
14:36Where a local community is
14:38In the grip of another strange sport
14:40East Anglia is well known for horses
14:43Bred for speed
14:44But the fertile fields of north Norfolk
14:46Are also the perfect breeding ground
14:48Known for the country's slowest racing animal
14:51Snails
14:52Yes, we're about
14:53To sample snail racing
14:55Are you sure about this?
14:56I don't believe
14:58I'm telling you no
14:59He said
15:00Here
15:01It's on the map of mercy
15:02For more than a quarter
15:03At the end of a century
15:04The people of Norfolk
15:05Have been racing snails
15:06Every year
15:07More than 200
15:08Snails
15:09Slug it out
15:10In the world championships
15:11Organised by local farmer
15:13Neil Risborough
15:14But where is he?
15:15Oh is he coming this way?
15:16I've been looking at him
15:17I've been looking at him
15:18No
15:19No
15:20No
15:21No
15:22That's got to be
15:23No
15:23That's got to be
15:24No
15:25No
15:26No
15:28I'm
15:29I'm
15:31I'm
15:32I
15:33That's got to be it.
15:35Neil!
15:36You must be Neil.
15:37Hello, yes.
15:38The world's biggest snail breeder, Pat.
15:41Yes.
15:42Hello, Pat.
15:43Does that mean you breed the world's biggest snails?
15:45No, no.
15:46I'm the biggest breeder of.
15:48What's that there?
15:49They're in a very secret location.
15:51We had several...
15:53Several years ago, we had a problem with poachers, so I tend to try and keep that...
15:59Snail poachers?
16:00Yeah.
16:01Is he taking the piss out of us?
16:02I can't tell.
16:03What do you reckon?
16:04It wasn't clear, but we're following anyway.
16:07If we...
16:08Go on to find and race snails, we've no choice.
16:14He claims we're off to a prime breeding site.
16:17Just watch the next...
16:18Well, what are they gonna do?
16:19I don't know why you wore shorts.
16:20Well, this wasn't explained to us.
16:22Thank you very much for that.
16:23It is a breeding site, but not just for snails.
16:28Ha!
16:29Ha!
16:30It's a good place for nettles.
16:32What are they looking like?
16:33I mean, what's snail heaven?
16:34If I was a snail, where would I like to breed?
16:36Nice and moist.
16:37Moist.
16:38Anyway...
16:38You were apart from France.
16:39Yeah.
16:40Yeah.
16:41Yeah.
16:44See, that is an ideal place for a snail.
16:47Let's have a look.
16:49I don't think it's very...
16:50Cheese and onion...
16:51Do I like cheese and onion crisps particularly?
16:52Not salt...
16:53Oh, actually.
16:54There you go.
16:55There's a couple under here.
16:56Just...
16:57Just peel them off, look.
16:58This one here is absolutely beautiful.
17:01The shallower the swirl on the shell.
17:03The quicker it'll go.
17:04Ah, interesting.
17:05But are they trainable?
17:06I mean, can you train them?
17:07Oh yeah, for sure.
17:08Oh, flippin' heck.
17:11You'll do for me.
17:13How do you get home?
17:14We've got loads to do, mate.
17:15Loads.
17:16Don't you worry about me, cooker.
17:18Armed with our gastropods, it's back to Neil's farm where...
17:23I'd join the other competitors for some gravity training.
17:26Go!
17:27Go!
17:28Go!
17:29Go!
17:30Go!
17:31Go!
17:32Go!
17:33Go!
17:33For all of the Groats it would take at least 16 years...
17:35but they only live for 5, so forget that.
17:38My snail on the hover hand is already at peak fitness.
17:42Have a look at...
17:43Look at that.
17:44Come on, Blimey.
17:45Yes, indeed.
17:46Oh, yes.
17:47So's the snail.
17:48He's a specimen.
17:49He's a monster.
17:50Yeah.
17:51It's time to send our stallions.
17:53Next to the starting line.
17:54Nicky-nocky-nu.
17:56Aww.
17:59Get him in, though.
18:00That's disgusting.
18:01Poor Paddy.
18:02He's picked a non-starter.
18:03But just as racehorses have to be pure thoroughbreds, racing snails have to have a very...
18:08particular pedigree.
18:09Calm down.
18:10So Paddy has to use his reserve runner.
18:13The smallest snail in the paddock.
18:16The course is 13 inches from the...
18:18centre to the outside.
18:19The world record, established in 1995, stands at just over two minutes.
18:23Come on.
18:24Ready, steady, slow.
18:25Can we beat it?
18:26Go!
18:27I reckon I can, Ross.
18:28As it might be expected, it's hardly a flying start.
18:33Go, Ross.
18:34Go.
18:35Go.
18:36But Paddy's titler does make an early move.
18:38Come on.
18:39Oh, look at the titler!
18:41Get the black boot ready, McGrath.
18:43And, like all the others, doesn't budge off the starting line.
18:46Is it when it touches the red mark in here?
18:48Yes, it is.
18:48Come on.
18:49Come on.
18:50Come on.
18:51Come on.
18:52So much for the...
18:53With a gorgeous shell pattern, mine was having a siesta.
18:56This race was going only one way.
18:58I think it's all over.
18:59It is now!
19:00It is now!
19:01It is now!
19:03Paddy's winning time is way over three minutes, so no new rec...
19:08Just the familiar gloating.
19:09Come on!
19:10Get it!
19:11Come on!
19:12Get it!
19:13Get it!
19:14Here we go then.
19:15Snail racing.
19:16Yes.
19:17What?
19:18What?
19:18The winner?
19:19Mr. P.
19:20Mr. P.
19:21Mr. P.
19:22The snail.
19:23Mr. P.
19:24The guinness.
19:25There you are.
19:26Lovely.
19:28Mr. P.
19:29Mr. P.
19:30Mr. P.
19:31Every week we're...
19:33both going to choose one event to do on our own.
19:36So it's time to part from my new...
19:38best friend.
19:39Just as we were getting on so well.
19:41Don't crash the car will you?
19:43Mr. P.
19:44Good riddance.
19:45And you.
19:46And you.
19:48Mr. P.
19:49Loser!
19:50We needed the break.
19:53So it's goodbye Norfolk and hello again to the Cotswolds where I'm off for a kickabout
19:58in one of the prettiest villages in the UK.
20:03Mr. P.
20:04This is the life.
20:05I'm in Boat and on the water.
20:06The Venice of Cotswolds.
20:08And it's absolutely gorgeous.
20:10It's beautiful.
20:11They've signed me up for a game of football.
20:13And I'm looking around and it's just...
20:15It's just perfect.
20:16It's almost too perfect round here.
20:18If this is life away from Rory, then I want more.
20:23Mr. P.
20:24Good morning.
20:25Morning.
20:28Good morning.
20:29What lovely people.
20:31So nice and friendly.
20:33Good morning.
20:38Good morning.
20:39My first stop is the grounds of Boat and Rovers FC.
20:42Bottom of the Gloss...
20:43Boston North and Senior League.
20:44I won't see many Ferraris or Bentleys.
20:48Just keep it up then.
20:49I'd been told to check in with Captain Matt Winter.
20:52Shocking.
20:53Absolutely shocking touch.
20:54Mars, how are you, son?
20:55Nice to meet you.
20:56Nice to meet you.
20:57Captain of Boat and Rovers.
20:58Yep.
20:58What was...
20:59What happened last season?
21:00We just weren't very good.
21:01Really?
21:02Is that it?
21:03I admire your honesty.
21:04Well, I'm here for a training session, Matt, so...
21:08Oh, you're welcome to join in.
21:09Very nice of you.
21:11For the big game we've got later.
21:12Come on, boys.
21:13Good game, then.
21:14Yeah, I'm here.
21:15Go on, then.
21:16That's rubbish.
21:18Yes, I can see this team's problem straight away.
21:21Get it on the floor, boys.
21:22What's up?
21:23I'm here.
21:24Put it down.
21:25I don't know what's going on with these, man.
21:28They came bottom of the division last season.
21:29How's it is?
21:30It's up into her.
21:31Take it off, take it off, take it off.
21:32Matt.
21:33Come here.
21:34Come here.
21:35You're the captain.
21:36I don't want to embarrass you in front of the other lads.
21:38Quite frankly, that is very poor.
21:40On the floor.
21:41Pass and move.
21:42Pass and move.
21:43Good training for old guys.
21:43We'll see you in the game later.
21:44It's a big game.
21:45I know it's a big game.
21:46I want to help you.
21:47But it's the idea of the game to keep...
21:48Keep it up because we're in the river.
21:49Excuse me?
21:50We're in the river.
21:51Let me just get this straight.
21:53We're playing in water.
21:55Where the hell did all this start?
21:58They don't really know.
21:59It's just tradition.
22:01You've gone off 105, 107...
22:0310 years.
22:04And we just do it every year.
22:06That's right.
22:08We're playing the river.
22:09Football has been played this way by generations of boat and lads since...
22:13the 19th century and perhaps longer.
22:16These days, crowds can reach...
22:183000.
22:19Far more than the Nintendo home games.
22:23I'm up for it.
22:24The club splits into two teams.
22:27Reds versus Blues.
22:28Subscribe to after resize news.
22:29Well done, fans.
22:30What'd up?
22:31Thanks.
22:32Thanks, Paddy, for aqui.
22:38.
22:43cold and brutal, this is one hell of a game.
22:48Eight inches of water doesn't mean people aren't taking it.
22:53Seriously.
22:54One now!
22:57Oh!
22:59Hey, you missed that!
23:02Ta-da!
23:03Half-time, it's even Stevens.
23:06Go Chief!
23:07Go!
23:08Early in the second half, the Blues start to dominate.
23:13And I make a defensive error.
23:18I score a non-goal.
23:23With ten minutes to go, we equalize.
23:25Yes, it's 2-2!
23:28Oh!
23:29Oh!
23:30Oh!
23:31Oh!
23:32Oh!
23:33Can we finish it off?
23:35Erm...
23:36No.
23:37In fact, that's when it...
23:38There went Pete Tong.
23:39They score again.
23:41And then again.
23:43River football is over for another year.
23:46And I've lost.
23:48The game's forefathers would have been proud though.
23:50One of the lads has played on with a broken nose.
23:53Oh, we lost.
23:54He's very good fun.
23:55I must give him that.
23:56Quality.
23:57Yay!
23:58River football.
23:59A serious game played in a silly way.
24:03But back east in historic Cambridge, I was out to prove that a silly game can be...
24:08taken rather seriously.
24:12This is the...
24:13The front court of Selwyn College, Cambridge.
24:15Remember that scene in Chariots of Fire when they run round?
24:18The front court, well that's a completely different college about a mile and a half from here.
24:21But we're at Selwyn for a reason.
24:23This college has produced such notable alumni as Clive Anderson, John Selwyn...
24:28Gummer, Hugh Laurie, but more importantly, the current national tiddlywinks champion...
24:33Dr. Stuart Sage.
24:34Stuart, great to meet you.
24:35Roy McGough.
24:36Roy McGough.
24:37Nice to see you.
24:38Now, he may be an expert in cell physiology, but it's tiddlywinks that...
24:43really floats his punt.
24:44Now, good news and bad news.
24:46I'm going to be your partner in a tiddlywinks...
24:48match tonight.
24:49Yes, I know.
24:50Which is good news for me, bad news for you, I suppose.
24:52Now, any tips for me?
24:53A beginner?
24:54Do what I tell you.
24:56That's exactly what I wanted to hear.
24:58Honestly, I love that.
24:59I love that.
25:01The winkers of the Cambridge Society...
25:03We are next door at the Hat and Feathers, where I've got half an hour to get up to speed.
25:08Stuart, I must confess, I've got pretty much nerves now.
25:13I think so have I.
25:14Well, that's because you're with me.
25:15But listen, suppose if we were to start...
25:18This is my wink.
25:19What would I do?
25:21The idea of tiddlywinks is that each player has...
25:23a colour, and it's the first to get all your winks into the pot.
25:26But that's what I would do.
25:27But as my...
25:28As the training goes on, I'm finding that these academics have made it much more complicated.
25:33This is sort of later on in the game.
25:34We've had a few winks.
25:35We've had a few shots, but then, say, Green will be one of our opponents.
25:38So they might get a bit close.
25:39Right.
25:40So if they land there, then we've got to do something about that, because they'll get
25:42on top of...
25:43They'll swap us if we don't do something at this time.
25:44I see.
25:45The key is to stop the other players potting out by...
25:48covering their winks with yours.
25:50It's called squapping.
25:51But knowing when to do it is the...
25:53real skill.
25:54So if I were Red, for example, and it was my go, I would try and...
25:58Yeah, you'd be trying to swap...
25:59Would that be better to do that and then try and palm?
26:01Normally, yes.
26:02It depends on the situation.
26:03OK, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do now.
26:04And I'm going to try and capture that green for us.
26:07Right.
26:08So that would be a squapping shot.
26:09Ooh.
26:10Well, it went in the right direction.
26:13Keeping an unsettling eye on us is the awe-inspiring tiddlywinks master Alan...
26:18Dean, and his dangerously sexy sidekick, Sarah Knight, our opponents...
26:23for tonight's showdown.
26:24.
26:28.
26:29.
26:30.
26:31.
26:32.
26:33.
26:34.
26:35.
26:36.
26:37.
26:38.
26:33.
26:44.
26:45.
26:46.
26:47.
26:48.
26:49.
26:50.
26:51.
26:52.
26:53.
26:38.
26:58.
26:59.
27:00.
27:01.
27:02.
27:03.
27:04.
27:29.
27:30.
27:31.
27:32.
27:33.
28:00.
28:01now i can bristol that if i need to you can bristol that if you need to
28:06before long things are looking as bleak as that comb-over
28:09it's on to go we're four
28:11squats to one down an opening does appear a chance maybe to pull it back
28:16but it needs the shot of my life
28:20oh
28:21it's over a bit too cautious okay sir you to play the last shot but we have enough
28:26points on rita win 6-1 so you can pass well you've actually won them
28:29we've won 6-1
28:31oh okay so sarah doesn't have to play a shot well congratulations well done sarah thank you very
28:35much
28:36lucky color yellow yeah well done alan stuart i'm so sorry i'm sorry i let you down
28:41let you down no i let you down i let you down to tiddlywinks what a fantastic game to tiddlywinks
28:59you
28:46because tiddlywinks was the winner really
28:51wasn't it absolutely not you and uh alan
28:56alan looked miserable and he'd won i was gutted
29:08you
29:01I'll see you next time.
29:06All right, buddy.
29:06No do.
29:07How's River Football?
29:09Tiring and emotional as usual.
29:11Did you win?
29:12No, lost.
29:13Tiddlywinks is great, though.
29:16Tiddlywinks.
29:17Yeah.
29:18Tiddlywinks.
29:21I had to sit around in a pub for half an hour to training, put me DJs on.
29:26And then did 20 minutes tiddlywinks and then drank port.
29:30Did you win?
29:31No, I lost, unfortunately.
29:33We both lost, but he's still ahead.
29:36However, I have another chance to turn things around using my strength and stamina back
29:40in the cots-
29:41in this world.
29:42A part of Middle England that seems to have a particularly high strike rate when it comes
29:45to odd passes.
29:46Half-Times.
29:47The Northern Cotswolds are-
29:51characterised by charming villages of soft, mellow stone.
29:55Beautiful.
29:56Built-in folds between the rolling wolves-
30:00Wolves?
30:01Wolves.
30:02W-O-L.
30:03Oh dear.
30:04That's Bolton speak, aren't it?
30:06You read beautifully, Paddy.
30:07I've never heard you read before.
30:09The pretty villages here were built thanks-
30:11to the medieval wool trade.
30:13More importantly though, the trade spawned its own sport.
30:16The Texbury wool sack race.
30:18It's a sack of wool, I reckon it be-
30:21A sack of wool.
30:22A ton of wool weighs a ton.
30:24Are you doing those things on-
30:26I mean, aren't you?
30:27You're doing the mind games on-
30:28Mind games?
30:29Let me find that in here.
30:30Ha ha.
30:31Ready, go!
30:36While Rory was off to do some historical research, I found out that-
30:41Tetbury rugby club have won this race seven times, so I'm going to train up with them.
30:46Club chairman, Simon Race.
30:47Simon, good.
30:48Simon, how are you sir?
30:49Hello Paddy, how are you?
30:50You alright?
30:51Come here.
30:52Hey.
30:53Good to see you.
30:54Wool sack race.
30:55It is, yeah.
30:56Tomorrow.
30:56Yeah.
30:57What's it all about?
30:58Well, it's um-
30:59Let me show you this.
31:00Show us.
31:01Show us.
31:01Where's your sack?
31:02This is the big hairy sack.
31:03Right, okay.
31:04Sixty pounds.
31:06And what we do, is we take it up and down the hill in Tetbury.
31:10Alright, ready, lift.
31:11On the back.
31:12On the back.
31:13Sixty pounds is more than your average holiday suitcase.
31:16With no training, McGrath doesn't stand a chance.
31:21Come on Paddy.
31:22Go on.
31:23Let's have it.
31:24Well done.
31:25Let's pick that up.
31:26Short steps.
31:27Pump on the knees.
31:28This is alright this, but when you're up and ill like that, it's a different-
31:31ball gear.
31:32With just 18 hours to go, the boys sure-
31:36Tell me where the race will take place.
31:38Tetbury's very, very, very steep gum-
31:41Stool Hill.
31:42This is arty-tack material.
31:44Well, if you're from Bolton-
31:46Well, you told me you're fit.
31:47This is where you need it.
31:48I cannot wait to see-
31:49Oh, I cannot wait to see-
31:51Let me, McGrath, do this.
31:53I cannot wait.
31:54Oh, this is going-
31:56I'll kill you.
31:57The race is run as a relay, so we both need partners, and with Roar-
32:01you're not around, I'm doing the choosing.
32:03Oh, you two, no, you've got to be honest.
32:06Who's the fitter?
32:07I'm built for speed.
32:11He's the more dynamic, my friend.
32:13That's me and you, my friend.
32:16Good luck, Roar-
32:17Hey!
32:18Who's yours?
32:19Ooh!
32:21Hey!
32:22Ooh!
32:23Hey!
32:24Ooh!
32:25Hey!
32:26Hey!
32:27Hey!
32:28Hey!
32:29Hey!
32:30Hey!
32:31Hey!
32:32Hey!
32:33Hey!
32:34Hey
32:54Hey!
32:55Hey!
32:57Hey!
32:59so strong yeah yeah is that part of it today do you think maybe
33:04there's a lot of women around who watch this race can you give the names of these girls just in case
33:09save time I'll point them out to you when we get there
33:14it's the biggest day in Tetbury's country
33:19dozens of strapping young men are about to show off in much the same way as they did for
33:24100 years ago to win the silverware a relay team will have to lug their wool sack from
33:29the crowning at the top of the hill 130 meters to the royal oak at the bottom
33:34where they'll swap over and lug it all the way up again the fastest team wins
33:39it's the boys hear this voice
33:44oh yeah
33:45yeah
33:45yeah
33:46yeah
33:49How are you doing? Is that for me? Absolutely. Double XL.
33:54Go on, here we go. Happy Birthday!
33:59Happy Birthday!
34:05And they're away!
34:07The big race sprints off down the hill.
34:09With Mark on Rory's team and Gareth on mine.
34:12Come on, Gasser!
34:14Pump it, Mark! Pump it, Gasser!
34:18Which leads us to do the...
34:19The much harder uphill bit.
34:24With £60 on our backs, we aren't sprinting...
34:29...like the Rugby lads did.
34:30Just getting to the hill is bad enough.
34:32Where's McGrath?
34:34I'll take him. I'll overtake him.
34:39What with my training, I'm expecting to win this hands down.
34:44McGrath has a late surge.
34:45Woo!
34:46Hey, that was Nick.
34:47Good Nick.
34:48I'm obviously...
34:49...having none of that.
34:50Ha!
34:51Ha!
34:52Ha!
34:53Ha!
34:54Ha!
34:55Ha!
34:56Ha!
34:57Ha!
34:58Ha!
34:59Ha!
35:00Ha!
34:54Ha!
34:55Ha!
34:56Ha!
34:57Ha!
34:58Ha!
34:59Ha!
35:00Ha!
35:02Ha!
35:03Ha!
35:04Ha!
35:05Ha!
35:06Ha!
35:07Ha!
35:08Ha!
35:09Ha!
35:11Well I guess today, it's not allowed.
35:12Oy!
35:14We haven't won any trophies or ladies' phone numbers.
35:19But we have taken part in a race that you simply won't find anywhere else.
35:24Black Book time, Fanny!
35:27Now before I write the...
35:29What race result in the Black Book?
35:31There are issues we need to talk about.
35:33What's the problem?
35:34I was burging my wool sack.
35:35Two yards from the finishing line.
35:37Technically I was burging your wool sack.
35:39But to be fair, you come up like a gazelle.
35:42Get the name in that movie.
35:44So the winner of the wool sack race is...
35:46How do you spell Fanny?
35:48R!
35:49R!
35:50O!
35:51R!
35:52R!
35:53R!
35:54Double D.
35:55Y.
35:56C.
35:57H.
35:58E.
35:59A.
35:59Oh, come on.
36:00Please don't be like that.
36:02The winner...
36:03Paddy!
36:04Get it!
36:05And that's just being continental.
36:06Continental wet.
36:07It's not good.
36:08It's not good.
36:09It's not good.
36:10It's not good.
36:11It's all right.
36:12Cider.
36:13Cider.
36:14It's not good.
36:15Any more picks up?
36:15Hot dress is OK.
36:16Ministry of
36:19This being the centre of British eccentricity, we're heading further along the Cotswold Way
36:24to find perhaps Britain's most brutal sport.
36:28In the last place you...
36:29...you'd think the pristine town of Chipping Camden.
36:34Chipping Camden.
36:35Chipping Camden.
36:36It's supposed to be the prettiest high street.
36:39In Britain.
36:42This is alright.
36:43Look at this beautiful...
36:44Beautiful place.
36:45Look at this place here.
36:46Even the public conveniences are posh here.
36:50This would be the old wall marker, isn't it?
36:52Look at the level of that floor.
36:54Who in my bathroom did that job, I tell you.
36:57This is real.
36:58This is real.
36:59This is England.
37:01Well, that's enough heritage.
37:03We're here for the...
37:04Cotswold Olympics, a copy of the original Greek Olympics, with a violent British twist.
37:10Shin kicking.
37:13Now that's more...
37:14More like it.
37:15I was off to meet an ex-champion.
37:16Hello, my friend.
37:17Joe McDonough.
37:18Where can I find him?
37:19Just there.
37:20Right.
37:21Do one you.
37:22Joe, how are you, sir?
37:23How do you do?
37:24Paddy, pleased to meet you.
37:25Pleased to meet you, too, sir.
37:26Now then, talk me through it a little bit.
37:28What is...
37:29Straightforward, actually.
37:30You just have to get your other opponent down on the ground.
37:32Right.
37:33Via kicking the shins.
37:34Cracking.
37:35Now, can you give me a bit of a demo on this?
37:37I certainly can.
37:38So, if I bring my friend...
37:39Stand in, Stuart, look.
37:40Stuart, Stuart, how are you?
37:41We can give you a demonstration.
37:42Good to meet you.
37:43Best thing to do is...
37:44You get a good hold, first of all.
37:45Right?
37:46On the shoulder, look.
37:47Yep.
37:48So, we get a hold of Stuart like this, and then...
37:49What we have to do is get them to the floor.
37:50Right.
37:51By kicking below the knee.
37:52Yeah.
37:53And taking the legs out.
37:54Okay.
37:54Inside.
37:55Straight.
37:56Okay.
37:57Anywhere you like.
37:58Right.
37:59Now, also...
37:59Equipment-wise, what am I wearing?
38:01We've got a good pair of boots here, you see.
38:03Oh, they...
38:04We've seen a few shins.
38:05Hey, there are them as well, there aren't they?
38:07Yeah.
38:08So, are these my...
38:09very own shinkish in boots, mate.
38:10Those are all those for tonight.
38:12Right.
38:13No grass.
38:14No grass.
38:15You're gonna get your shins kicked in.
38:17Every year...
38:19Every year is an Olympic year in the delightful town of Chipping Camden.
38:22And I'm intrigued to find...
38:24out how long this version of the Olympics has been going on.
38:29I don't know the sound of this.
38:30It's a tune.
38:31I don't know the sound of this.
38:32It's a tune.
38:34Father Brennan.
38:35Yes.
38:36Rory McGrath.
38:37Very pleased to meet you.
38:38Come in.
38:39So, Father, you apparently are the expert on the Cotswold Olympics.
38:44Lead the way.
38:45It began with Robert Dover, a lawyer who...
38:49came from the eastern side of the country, settled in the Cotswolds, and...
38:54He began the Cotswold Games in 1612.
38:57Right.
38:58The shin kick.
38:59The shin kick thing sounds quite primitive, but I can well imagine that happening.
39:02It does indeed.
39:03Yes, apparently I'm doing that later.
39:04And...
39:05Have you ever tried that?
39:06No.
39:07Is it as bad as it sounds?
39:08Oh, it's...
39:09It's terrible.
39:10You...
39:11You'll be a cripple for the rest of your life.
39:12No!
39:13No!
39:14No!
39:15No!
39:16No!
39:17No!
39:18No!
39:19No!
39:19No!
39:20No!
39:21No!
39:22No!
39:23So...
39:24I could see and have control of them!
39:24sports. In fact, anything missing is a Wicker man. But then the most violent sporting
39:29Britain was about to kick off.
39:31How are you feeling? I'm actually feeling a bit scared about this.
39:34As it approaches, you know, the atmosphere, the crowd, the tension.
39:39Our only protection will be straw stuffed down our trousers.
39:44Rory's scurrying the kids.
39:47Could I have Rory McGrath, please?
39:49And Ben Dyer.
39:50Come on, Rory. Straight in. Straight in.
39:54I was called first to the knockout competition.
39:56Now, this was my first fight in 20 years.
39:59Go on, Rory. Sweep the leg.
40:03I
40:04had no idea if there was any life left in the old dog.
40:06Use your beard, Rory!
40:09Go on, Rory!
40:11Nice tight grips.
40:12Ready?
40:13Hit!
40:14Go on, Rory!
40:15Go on, Rory!
40:16I
40:17lasted a very long two minutes.
40:19Holding that position and pushing.
40:21It's very tiring.
40:22The kicking is almost...
40:24It's very tiring, but it's knackering.
40:25Ooh!
40:26Hey, you did crack in the boat.
40:27You did brilliant.
40:28I tried.
40:29You did brilliant.
40:29It's a very...
40:30And typically, I'm drawn against last year's champion.
40:33Yeah.
40:34Go on, get in.
40:35Good.
40:36Is this the...
40:37What do you say?
40:38The Taekwondo, Mark?
40:39No, no.
40:40He's a pussycat this year.
40:39Yeah, alright.
40:40Yeah, alright.
40:41Yeah, alright.
40:42Jesus!
40:43Watch this!
40:44Kick!
40:45Kick!
40:46Kick!
40:47Kick!
40:48Kick!
40:49Kick!
40:50Kick!
40:51Kick!
40:52Kick!
40:53Kick!
40:54Come on, Paddy.
40:55Come on, Paddy.
40:56Spin him!
40:57Come on, Paddy.
40:58You're doing it, Paddy!
40:59He's coming down!
41:00He's coming down!
41:01He's coming down!
41:02He's coming down!
41:03You're doing Paddy!
41:04He's coming down!
41:04He's useless!
41:05Come on, buddy!
41:06He's going down!
41:07Yeah!
41:09Yeah!
41:10Come on, brother!
41:11He's doing it!
41:12He's doing it!
41:13He's doing it!
41:14He's doing it!
41:15He's doing it!
41:16Bye!
41:17Mwah!
41:18It was...
41:19I wasn't expecting you to come out of the traps like that!
41:21I knew you had it, mate!
41:22But you know the bad news, Paddy, is...
41:24You've got to do it again!
41:26I'm not happy about that!
41:27I'm not happy about that!
41:28I'm not happy about that!
41:29I might...
41:30I might just lie down!
41:31Howdy!
41:32Howdy!
41:33Howdy!
41:34The next fella loops strong...
41:36Go Paddy!
41:37Go Paddy!
41:38Go Paddy!
41:39Go Paddy!
41:40Go Paddy!
41:41Go Paddy!
41:42Go Paddy!
41:43Go Paddy!
41:44Go Paddy!
41:45Go Paddy!
41:46Go Paddy!
41:47Go Paddy!
41:48Go Paddy!
41:49Go Paddy!
41:50Go Paddy!
41:51Go Paddy!
41:52Go Paddy!
41:53Go Paddy!
41:54Go Paddy!
41:55Go Paddy!
41:56Go Paddy!
41:57Go Paddy!
41:58Go Paddy!
41:59Go Paddy!
42:00Go Paddy!
42:01Go Paddy!
42:02Go Paddy!
42:03Bye-bye, mate.
42:08But this monster went on to win the championship.
42:14Jeez, look at that, eh?
42:16Oh, hello.
42:17That's swelling up.
42:18Note that.
42:19All right, eh?
42:20Oh.
42:21Channel 5.
42:22Worth his blame.
42:23There's a claim.
42:28Every year this festival of jolly barbarity
42:33culminates in a procession of flaming torches.
42:36400 years of living history
42:38and we're part of it.
42:40Look at that.
42:41Absolutely.
42:41A river of fire.
42:42Oh, it's amazing.
42:43Beautiful.
42:44You know, we've had a laugh today and everything else,
42:45but you see things like it, it's just unbelievable.
42:47It's beautiful.
42:48It's amazing.
42:48Yeah, it's gorgeous.
42:49It's special, isn't it?
42:49Yeah.
42:50We've taken on the best that Middle England had to offer.
42:53But for now, it's over.
42:56So what do we think to Middle England?
42:58They're mental.
42:59They're absolutely mental.
43:01Now, but seriously, it's great to know English eccentricity is...
43:03They're alive and well and healthy, eh?
43:05They're mad as a box of frogs, but nice people.
43:08Yeah.
43:08I'm going to miss them as soon as our ambulance arrives.
43:10Yeah.
43:12There was one last thing...
43:13What's the black book position?
43:16The black book position?
43:17I've not got it.
43:18And Rory, but it's a little bit awkward, this,
43:21because you're a good friend, but...
43:23I think we know who's the overall winner.
43:26I think Middle England is yours, Paddy.
43:28Yeah.
43:28Middle England is yours.
43:29You can have that.
43:30Ah, well, there's always next time.
43:33Bye-bye.
43:33Bye-bye.
43:33Bye-bye.
43:34Bye-bye.
43:38Bye-bye.
43:43Bye-bye.
43:48Bye-bye.
43:53Bye-bye.
43:58Bye-bye.
44:03Bye-bye.
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