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To dominate Northern Europe, King Richard arranges a marriage between his son Edmund and the Spanish Infanta.
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00:06To be continued...
00:22O noble Prince,
00:24your secret note of love has won my heart.
00:27The castle of my body is yours by right of conquest.
00:33Come, let your tongue dive into the mold of my mouth
00:38and let your hands take possession of the ramparts of my plumpies.
00:43For I'm yours.
00:45And yours alone.
00:48And I'm yours!
00:50Edward! I thought you your brother!
00:53Oh, my God!
00:57Oh, my God!
00:59Oh, my God!
01:00Oh, my God!
01:08Oh, my God!
01:10Oh, my God!
01:36Oh, my God!
01:38Oh, my God!
01:38In 1492, after the death of Randolph XII of Saxony and the collapse of the Treaty of Insects, Europe was
01:45in disarray.
01:46Kingdoms rose and fell. Borders, even languages, changed.
01:50Men were killed by their own side and women raped by soldiers of up to seven different nations.
02:00The courts of Europe throbbed with activity, and none more so than England.
02:08Oh, it's cowards. They've backed them into jail. You should bring them in.
02:11My lord, the news. The Swiss have invaded France.
02:16Excellent! Wessex, while they're away, take 10,000 troops and pillage Geneva.
02:22But the Swiss are our allies, my lord.
02:25Oh, yes. Well, get them to dress up as Germans, will you?
02:29Chiswick, remind me to send flowers to the King of France in sympathy for the death of his son.
02:34The one you had murdered, my lord?
02:36Yes, that's the fellow.
02:36Father? My lord?
02:39Will you get away from me?
02:42Ah, Harry, the gentle art of diplomacy.
02:46But you know where the real secret of diplomacy lies, don't you, my boy?
02:49Well, actually, I don't, father, but I would like to know.
02:52There.
02:56I can't imagine anything of any real interest down there.
02:59Let me explain. What's that for?
03:01Well, a couple of things.
03:03Correct. And one of those things is?
03:05Best not mentioned, really.
03:06Right!
03:07And the other is fornication.
03:10And without fornication, there is no marriage.
03:12And without marriage, there is no diplomacy.
03:15Oh, I see.
03:17Very good. Come on, let me explain further.
03:19You see, my boy, I have decided to ally to a nation most threatening to France.
03:24The answer, of course, is, Chiswick, Spain.
03:27And the best way to cement an alliance, of course, is marriage.
03:31Therefore, I have decided that you shall marry the Spanish Infanta.
03:37Oh, congratulations, Chiswick.
03:38Oh, come on, my lady.
03:40Actually, I don't think I can.
03:45What?
03:47Why not?
03:49Well, I am already engaged.
03:51What?
03:52Who to, boy?
03:53Princess Leia of Hungary.
03:54And the Grand Duchess Ursula of Brandenburg.
03:57And Queen Beowulfa of Iceland.
04:00And Countess Caroline of Luxembourg.
04:03Bertha of Flanders.
04:04Bertha of Brussels.
04:05Bernard of Saxe-Coburg.
04:06And Jezebel of Estonia.
04:08No.
04:10No, no, no.
04:10Sorry, that should be Bertha of Saxe-Coburg.
04:14And Jeremy of Estonia.
04:16Damn, damn, damn, damn!
04:19But if I haven't got a son to marry her,
04:21then the whole plan falls apart.
04:24Your Majesty.
04:25Yes?
04:28You do have another son, my lord.
04:31What?
04:34My God.
04:35Of course.
04:36You're right.
04:37The slimy one.
04:38What's his name?
04:39Edmund, my lord.
04:40Yes, Osman.
04:43Osman can marry the Infanta.
04:45Yes, sir.
04:46Then with the Spanish Alliance,
04:48we can massacre both the Swiss and the French.
04:51By dividing their forces into two.
04:55Yes, sir!
04:56Preferably their top half from their bottom half!
05:00Yes, sir!
05:08Yes, sir!
05:11Yes, sir!
05:11Yes, sir!
05:12Yes, sir!
05:13Yes, sir!
05:13Yes, sir!
05:16Yes, sir!
05:21Well, they're love bites.
05:26More like dog bites to me.
05:30Well, yes.
05:31Yes, she was.
05:33A bit of an animal.
05:36Oh, yes.
05:37Fight to the death, eh?
05:38Oh, yes.
05:39Well, as my tutor old bubble face used to say,
05:42make love and be merry,
05:43for tomorrow you may catch some disgusting skin disease.
05:50Actually, I'd be prepared to swear those were dog bites.
05:52They are not dog bites.
05:54She was very attractive.
05:57Yeah, shiny coat, wet nose, clear eyes.
05:59No, Baldrick, it was a woman.
06:03Fair enough, my lord.
06:05Right.
06:06Now that's sorted out.
06:11Percy, what are we up to today?
06:17Well, my lord,
06:19first I thought that you and I
06:22might get out of a couple of prisoners.
06:24And actually, I think Baldrick may have a point there.
06:26They do look rather like dog bites.
06:28Yes, yes, all right, all right, all right.
06:29They're dog bites.
06:30They're dog bites.
06:30I got bitten by a dog.
06:31A woman pushed me up a round path
06:32because she thought I was so hideously ugly
06:34and I got ravaged by a rabid dog.
06:37Is that satisfying?
06:38Yes, my lord, yes.
06:39Good.
06:40Excellent.
06:41Good.
06:42Right.
06:44Yes, Percy, you were saying?
06:45Right, my lord.
06:47Well, I thought that we might...
06:48So it wasn't a woman.
06:49No, it was a dog.
06:50It was a dog.
06:50It was a very great dog.
06:54Right, my lord.
06:55Of course, Harry gets all the women, doesn't he?
06:57Shut up.
06:58I never want to hear women mentioned in my company again.
07:01What about dogs?
07:02Or dogs.
07:03Shut up.
07:04I never want to see a woman again.
07:06If any woman wants to talk to me,
07:08you can warn her.
07:09The black adder is a venomous reptile
07:13and women are his prey.
07:17Enter!
07:18Unless you're a woman,
07:19in which case prepare to be thrown out of the window.
07:21My lord, William's dog.
07:23My lord, I bring a message.
07:26Yes, obviously.
07:27You're a messenger.
07:28You are engaged to be married
07:30to the Infanta Maria of Spain.
07:34My lord, I bring a message.
07:36You are engaged...
07:36Yes, yes, yes, yes.
07:40Go on.
07:41Get out.
07:43Get out.
07:50Well, boys.
07:52Did you hear that?
07:54I am to marry
07:56the Infanta of Spain.
07:59Yes, my lord.
08:00Tell I good.
08:01Tell I...
08:01What?
08:02The black adder
08:03is a venomous reptile!
08:05No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
08:07No, no, no, no, no, no.
08:08This is no ordinary woman, Percy.
08:10This is a beautiful,
08:13royal princess.
08:15Just imagine
08:17what the Spanish Infanta
08:19must be like.
08:31Ah, bienvenido a nuestro castillo.
08:34Espero que encuentre los desagües a su satisfacción.
08:43In Spanish, it means, welcome to our castle.
08:45I hope you find the drains to your satisfaction.
08:48Well, here you are.
08:49I've jotted it down for you.
08:50Should help you break the ice with the infanta.
08:52Oh, by the way, I don't think you know the Countess Caroline of Luxembourg.
08:58No, how do you do, young lady?
09:00Well, good luck.
09:02Bienvenido a notre chateau, Caroline.
09:05Luxembourg.
09:07My God, have you ever seen anyone so obviously seething with jealousy?
09:11No, I haven't.
09:12Seize, seize, seize.
09:13If he goes on seething like that much longer, he'll turn into a seize.
09:18Baldrick, what are you talking about?
09:19My Lord.
09:20Yes, what is it?
09:21You know, they do say that the infanta's eyes are more beautiful than the famous Stone of Galveston.
09:27Hmm.
09:29The what?
09:30The famous Stone of Galveston, my Lord.
09:34And what's that exactly?
09:37Well, it's a famous blue stone.
09:40And it comes from Galveston.
09:47And what about it?
09:49Well, my Lord, the infanta's eyes are bluer than it for a start.
09:52I see.
09:53And have you ever seen this stone?
09:57No, not as such, my Lord, but I know a couple of people who have, and they say it's very,
10:02very blue in tea.
10:03And have these people seen the infanta's eyes?
10:06No, I shouldn't think so, my Lord.
10:08And neither have you, presumably.
10:09Oh, my Lord.
10:10So what you're telling me, Percy, is that something you have never seen is slightly less blue than something else
10:17you have never seen?
10:22Yes, my Lord.
10:23Percy, in the end, you were about as much to me as a human head, an affliction with which you
10:30must be familiar, never actually having had a break.
10:33Hello.
10:34Hello?
10:35Here I am, awaiting the arrival of the most beautiful, ravishing...
10:39Hello.
10:40Look, leave me alone, will you?
10:41I'm trying to talk to someone while you're wittering away like a pox-ridden moorhead.
10:47You are the true love of my life, my love, my love.
10:51What?
10:54Someone, you are the only one for me, I merely want to hug and kiss you.
10:58Oh, I am the infanta.
11:02What?
11:02No one told me you had a beard.
11:05Must be Jeremy of Estonia.
11:07I am the infanta.
11:09Well, absolutely.
11:17I have waited for this moment all of my life.
11:24Your nose is smaller than I expected.
11:27I have suffered no similar disappointment.
11:29No one told me.
11:33Oh, Lord me.
11:34Oh, Lord me.
11:34My love, my love.
11:43Me gustan tus labios.
11:45Your lips I like.
11:51It is the rest of your body I wish to find out more about.
12:02My lord, news.
12:04What?
12:04The Spanish Infanta has arrived.
12:06Ah, good news. Soon we will have Spain in our grip.
12:09My lord, news.
12:10What?
12:10The King of France sends his greetings.
12:12Ah, good news. My diplomacy triumphs.
12:15My lord, no.
12:16What?
12:17Lord Wessex is dead.
12:18Ah!
12:20This news is not so good.
12:22Pardon, my lord?
12:23I like it not. Bring me some other news.
12:26Pardon, my lord?
12:27I like not this news. Bring me some other news.
12:30Yes, my lord.
12:36My lord, news.
12:37What?
12:37Lord Wessex is not dead.
12:39Ah, good news. Let there be joy and celebration. Let jubilation reign.
12:44Yes, my lord.
12:45Oh, yes.
12:46And tell Osmond that the further strengthen ties with Spain, he marries tomorrow.
12:51Yes, my lord.
12:54Jizzy!
12:56Yes, my lord.
12:58Yes, my lord.
13:03In 24 hours, I'll be married to a walrus.
13:06Oh, my lord.
13:07You can't just knock her out.
13:08well you may be right at least a minute wait a moment my lord I think I may have
13:19a plan to get you out of this marriage yes but it's a stupid time Percy let's
13:24face it yes yes maybe you're right but tell me what it is anyway oh no actually
13:31I don't think I'll bother my lord oh please tell me what your plan is please
13:35tell me please tell me all right I go along to the infanta's room and tell her
13:43that you've gone mad she comes to the door and you meet her disguised as a
13:51little pig this is the coming instead of saying oink oink you say
14:08then well then she'll know you're mad and leave oh I also have a plan yes why not
14:24make her think you prefer the company of men I do public I do no no my lord I mean
14:29none the intimate company of men
14:38you don't mean like the Earl of Doncaster I mean just like the Earl of Doncaster that great
14:49radish that steaming great left footer the Earl of Doncaster Baldrick has been riding side saddle
14:56since he was 17 I would marry the Earl of Doncaster but no one but no one would marry the
15:06Earl of
15:06Doncaster perhaps the Duke of Beaufort what we can do well first we gotta get you looking right right
15:16just need to drape something effeminate around your shoulders either of the Beaufort twins should do
15:29right perfect now all you need to do is practice with Percy
15:38presentation my lord you stand over here and my lord just there right now Percy Lord Edmund
15:47he's gonna try and make himself attractive to you attractive you know like like the
15:55Earl of Doncaster good lord oh well fair enough no you act normal I'm the Earl of Doncaster
16:05to me right right right don't
16:14go
16:15I
16:16I
16:16I
16:16I
16:19I
16:21I
16:39oh my god this is impossible I can't do this never mind I've got a couple more
16:43things might help Percy what am I going to do well perhaps we could try and
16:50strike up a conversation hello there hello how are you I'm fine have you heard Prince Edmund's going to
17:06marry the Spanish infant no he don't listen to anyone yes that's the kind of thing
17:22look out here she comes morning John Caster take this to the Queen of Naples what is it my lord
17:34the
17:34king of Naples some lark for the stag party what yes yes that's right I don't think you've met the
17:52Grand Duchess Ursula of Brandenburg but no how do you do us have a word with you about my speech
18:00at the
18:00wedding feast I thought perhaps I'd go for a fruit motif something like it is with extraordinary
18:07pleasure that we welcome you may you be the apple of your husband's eye and may he in turn cherries
18:15you
18:18cherish you see even though it's an orange to marry it quite quite yes I thought it was rather good
18:32I'm
18:32hoping to squeeze in a banana by the end of the day
18:46oh mother for Christ's sakes what you want nothing nothing but did did did did did did did did did
18:54did did
19:04it's working it's working oh I embrace and love you utterly
19:15what oh what a love this must be that you dress like a Spanish man to delight me
19:26I'm bored Rick
19:29what a love what a love what a love what a love
19:32what a love you fool
19:33oh look at the two love birds
19:37one love bird and one love elephant
19:39it's almost as if they were married already
19:42what do you say it's almost as if you were married already
19:47I thought you said
19:52boys
19:54I think I have another plan
19:57oh
19:57oh
19:58oh
19:58oh
19:59oh
19:59oh
19:59oh
20:01oh
20:06oh
20:34Percy, is she the best you can do?
20:36I mean, I am marrying a woman.
20:38Yes, I know, but it's only for a couple of days, isn't it?
20:41Yes, that's true.
20:42Come on, hurry up, Father.
20:44Yes, yes, very well.
20:46We are gathered here, oh gracious Lord,
20:49to bear witness at very short notice
20:53to the marriage of these two God-fearing Christians,
20:57Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh, and Tully Applebottom.
21:02Is that right?
21:03Oh, yes, that's right.
21:06Oh, Emma would have thought it.
21:08The Duke of Edinburgh, consumed with passion,
21:12whisks away little Tully.
21:16Shut up!
21:18Come on, get out with it, Father, for goodness sake.
21:20Yes, very well.
21:21Are you Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh?
21:24No, I'm a bowl of soup.
21:28Come on, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up.
21:30And are you Miss Tully Applebottom?
21:32Mrs.
21:33Mrs.
21:35Ah.
21:43Well, never mind.
21:44Get out with it, Father, come on.
21:45Yes, but surely if she's...
21:46No, the church is never going to progress with this
21:48and just a bit adaptable.
21:50Yes, but this is most unusual.
21:53Although, mind you,
21:53hasn't the church always dealt with the unusual?
21:56The miracle with the fishes, for example.
21:58Well, now, we continue.
22:00So, no one knows any cause or just impediment
22:02why these persons may not be joined together in holy matrimony.
22:05No.
22:05No.
22:06No.
22:06No.
22:07No.
22:08Yes.
22:10And, um, you are Mr. Applebottom.
22:14You are the father of the bride.
22:16No, I'm the husband of the bride.
22:19Oh, this is my husband, Thomas.
22:21Thomas, this is my fiancé, the Duke of Edinburgh.
22:25This Edmund, this is Thomas.
22:28Thomas, this is father of...
22:30Smith, I called about the ducking stool, Father.
22:33Mr. Applebottom, I was just wondering
22:35whether I could possibly have a temporary arrangement
22:38with your good lady.
22:40I only need her for a very short stint.
22:43Yes!
22:44Look, look, you stupid pedant.
22:46All I want to do is marry your wife.
22:50Oh!
22:51That was the Duke of Edinburgh, you know.
22:55No!
22:55That would be the Earl of Doncaster.
23:01This is nice.
23:03Well, this is nice.
23:09To have a little talk about a lady's face.
23:11Oh, yes.
23:12Yes, the two are the last.
23:14Just the two of us.
23:16Yes, that's right.
23:18Yes, that's right.
23:18Signora, talk about the English men.
23:21So tell me, Mrs. Queen, about English men.
23:25Oh, well, they spend most of their time with animals, you know,
23:30and with other men.
23:31But, oh, when they do come to the women,
23:34they only want one thing.
23:36Don't need it.
23:37Okay.
23:38And what is that?
23:40Well, it's a kind of pudding made with bread and butter and raisins.
23:44Oh, and, of course, the other thing.
23:49Che è l'otro?
23:51Che è l'otro?
23:52And what is the other thing?
23:54Che è l'otro?
23:55Oh, well, custard.
23:57Creme, eh?
24:03Edmondo, che talis?
24:05Now, Edmond, what's he like?
24:08Like?
24:08Well, I told you, this pudding...
24:10No, no, no, no, no, no.
24:12In la cama.
24:14Now, what's he like in bed?
24:17Oh, oh, in bed, in bed.
24:19Well, in bed, he likes hot milk with just...
24:23Let me talk of cinnamon.
24:25No, no, no, no, no, no.
24:26What is he like?
24:32Like?
24:32Oh, come on.
24:33Yeah, well, he's like a little rabbit, really.
24:38Oh, come on, come on, come on.
24:39Come on, come on, come on.
24:42Mamma, mamma, quanto la quiero.
24:46Oh, mamma, mamma, how much I love him.
24:51I would never have believed that my stag party would be like this.
24:57The most depressing night of my life.
25:03Well, my lord, we, you can take solace from one thing.
25:07What's that?
25:08Be pretty sure your wife's a virgin.
25:11At least, there are no living witnesses to the contrary.
25:16If she wasn't, we might still stand a chance.
25:19Officially, you've still got to be a virgin.
25:22Right.
25:25What, my lord?
25:31Oh, no.
25:33No.
25:35No!
25:37Yes!
25:38Yes!
25:39Yes!
25:42Please, my lord, I'm going to make you to reconsider.
25:45Waldwick?
25:46If there was any other way, you'd know I'd take it.
25:48But I'd die in there.
25:50Don't worry.
25:51We'll give you a hero's funeral.
25:53Bury you at sea.
25:55Say you died in combat with an enemy vessel.
25:58Right.
25:58There we are.
26:00Go on in, you go.
26:01Little boy with big job to do.
26:04Come on, Percy.
26:05Get the king.
26:07Come on.
26:23Infanta.
26:27Infanta.
26:31Edmundo.
26:33Edmundo, amor mio.
26:35Oh, Edmond, my love.
26:41My lord, your majesty.
26:43What?
26:45I bring the gravest of news.
26:48What?
26:49Have armies on the Rhine been slaughtered to a man?
26:52Have their heads cut off?
26:53And melted cheese poured down their nostrils in the traditional Swiss manner?
26:58No, my lord.
26:59No te te tangas, mio sorpiente.
27:03Don't hold back, please, my little world.
27:06Can you look at the news of a Russian royal family mistaken for bison due to their excessive winter clothing
27:12and hunted down, chopped to pieces, and eaten as little sweets by Mongolia bandits?
27:16No, my lord.
27:19No, my lord.
27:22Securum.
27:23Well, what then?
27:24My lord, the Spanish Infanta is not a virgin.
27:31Oh, yes, I know that.
27:34Her uncle tell me.
27:36Again, please.
27:37We took 500 off the gallery because of it.
27:41But I thought...
27:42Only one of you has to be a virgin?
27:48Anything else?
28:19Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of our lord to witness the marriage of two God
28:29-fearing Christians.
28:32Are you Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh?
28:35Yes, I am.
28:36And are you Maria Escalo-Sofiana in France?
28:39Yes, yes.
28:40Please, stupid.
28:42Let me see that my voluminations must be brought in.
28:46Yes, you stupid person.
28:47Hurry up.
28:47I wish to entwine him again in my broad thighs.
28:50Marriage is an holy state conceived by God.
28:55If any man here knows just cause why they may not be married, let him speak now or forever hold
29:03his peace.
29:04Yes.
29:05Now's your chance.
29:07So be it.
29:09Oh, thanks a lot.
29:11Come on.
29:12Hurry up.
29:13Do you.
29:14Edward Pantagenet.
29:15He used that Edmund Pantagenet.
29:17Oh, shut up.
29:18Silencio.
29:19To be your awful wedded life.
29:20To have on the whole.
29:21To cherish and to delight.
29:23To chastise and to beat until death.
29:27Until death do you pass.
29:31Speak up.
29:32Can't hear a thing back here.
29:33I do.
29:35Still can't hear.
29:37I do.
29:38I do.
29:38I do.
29:39Do you.
29:40Maria Scalosa Infanta.
29:42Si.
29:43Si, si.
29:43Take Edmund Pantagenet.
29:44To be your awful.
29:45Yes, yes, yes.
29:46Oh no.
29:47I then pronounce you.
29:49Stop.
29:50Christ.
29:51I bring absolutely unbelievable news that must halt the wedding.
29:56What?
29:58Have the Swiss and French made sudden peace with each other at a mountain pass rendezvous?
30:02Then forge the clandestine alliance with Spain.
30:06Thus leaving us without friends in Europe.
30:08Unless by chance we make an immediate pact with Hungary.
30:16Yes.
30:17As I thought.
30:20Are there any Hungarian princesses in the castle?
30:23Oh yes, father.
30:24I think I've got one.
30:25Um.
30:26Yes.
30:27Princess Leia of Hungary.
30:29What's she like?
30:30Leia is young and beautiful.
30:34Her eyes are like opals and her hair a cascade of perfect chestnut.
30:37Well, that sounds all right, doesn't it?
30:39Get buzzed.
30:40I can't get buzzed.
30:41Excuse me.
30:41What is happening, please?
30:43Call her into the court.
30:45Alas, with that great Spanish dumpling there, get her out of my sight at once or I'll
30:52eat her.
30:55I love her side beside me.
30:57Sorry.
30:58What can I do?
30:59Politics.
31:00Come on.
31:02Where is she?
31:03Where is she?
31:03Where is Princess Leia?
31:12Ah.
31:14Cool.
31:15Cool.
31:17It's your new wife.
31:19Hello, Edmund.
31:21Are we getting married now?
31:24Yes.
31:25Yes.
31:25I believe we are.
31:26Come on, then.
31:28Ah.
31:30Ah.
31:32Ah.
31:33Ah.
31:33Ah.
31:34Ah.
31:35Ah.
31:36Ah.
31:40PHONE RINGS
31:41Dearly beloved, may I gather to here today.
31:55And so it came to pass that the big bear had to leave all his food and go to live
32:03in a land
32:04far away where the elves and the fairies would look after him until the day that he died
32:13oh that was lovely Edmund what a happy story
32:20is it time to put the light out yes my dear I think it is it must be at least
32:27six o'clock
32:31the sound of hoofbeats crossed the glade good folk lock up your son and daughter
32:39beware the deadly flashing blade unless you want to end up shorter
32:49blackadder blackadder he rides a pitch black steed
32:55blackadder blackadder he's very bad indeed
33:02black his gloves are finest mole black his codpiece made of metal
33:11his horse is blacker than a vole his pot is blacker than his kettle
33:19blackadder blackadder with many a cunning plan
33:27blackadder blackadder you horrid little man
33:37can I have a drink of water please
33:40yes yes yes all right
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