- 9 hours ago
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00:01Tell Nye, I am your nymphette since we met at the vet and you pushed my button and made me
00:07go off.
00:08Has Lisa Curry-Kenny called?
00:10No, Sharon.
00:11What about Misty Hyman? Has Misty Hyman called?
00:13No, Sharon Love.
00:14That's weird. They said they both called, definitely.
00:17What, here?
00:18Yeah, I gave them your number. I hope you don't mind.
00:20They were both guest speakers at the sports motivational conference I did at the weekend.
00:24Oh, yes. How was Mildura?
00:26Oh, unbelievable, Mrs D.
00:28I walked across hot coals.
00:30Oh, is that why you're limping, love?
00:32Yeah. Unfortunately, the bottom of my tracky-dacks caught fire, but it's only third-degree burn, so...
00:37Oh, well, that's nice, isn't it, Sharon?
00:38I'll tell you who is really nice, though.
00:41Misty and Lisa. I cornered them in a spa at the end of the Mind Body Workshop, showed them my
00:45burns.
00:46They were very nice about it, Mrs D.
00:48I gave them all my numbers. I can't understand why they haven't called.
00:52Gee, Kim is very laid-back with those bridesmaids' dresses.
00:55I hope she hasn't pranged my varina.
00:59Oh, fuckerish.
01:00What exactly is it that you're doing, Mrs D?
01:02Oh, I'm trying to workshop our wedding vows.
01:05Cam and I have our first meeting with the marriage celebrants tomorrow.
01:08Oh, well, marriage preparation classes. I love all that stuff.
01:12Geez.
01:13Wish Bridie and Kim had done some of that.
01:14Oh, you haven't seen Kim yet, have you?
01:17Haven't heard the late?
01:18What?
01:19Oh, don't tell me she's got back together with Bridie and moved out.
01:21Oh, no, Sharon, I wish.
01:23No, it's unbelievable.
01:24I tell you, Kim has given up smoking.
01:26Cold turkey.
01:27Hasn't had a cigarette for six days now.
01:30Fantastic!
01:31But I tell you, she's like a bear with a sore head and eating to compensate.
01:35Oh, yeah, but you know, for her health and longevity, Mrs D, it is much better that she give up
01:40the smoking.
01:41Oh, Sharon, what good's your health and living a long life if you're the side of a house and a
01:45pain in the proverbial?
01:50Oh, look.
02:20Oh, my dear, for wedding vows, love and other bruises, makes us all good losers.
02:34What do you think, Mrs D?
02:37Oh, maybe we just need to redo the spaghetti straps and then I need to do it.
02:44Oh, we've got the matching pashmina.
02:46That'll be fine.
02:47I think it looks pretty.
02:49Yeah, it's nice.
02:49Go for a little walk.
02:50Yeah, it's all right?
02:51Yeah, the length's good.
02:52It's all right?
02:52Yeah, the length's nice.
02:54Yeah, I think it's all right.
02:54I really like it all.
02:55I think it's good.
02:56Look.
02:57Oh, Kim.
02:59I know.
03:00Oh, no.
03:01Oh, no.
03:02How much weight have you been on?
03:04It's not my fault.
03:06Roman, you just did it wrong.
03:08Oh, can you really step it on?
03:10Oh, no.
03:10Oh, calm down, Cass.
03:11Calm down.
03:12It's all right.
03:12What can we do?
03:13Maybe we could do a sort of a backless arrangement, yeah?
03:16That'd be nice, I guess.
03:17Oh, but then there's your welcome, Matt.
03:19What are you talking about?
03:20Oh, the unsightly patched hair just there.
03:22I don't have a welcome, Matt.
03:24You do, Kim.
03:25Hormonal problems are nothing to be ashamed of, Kim.
03:28Or maybe we just get it waxed when you do your brows.
03:31Mum!
03:32Oh, no, Kim.
03:33We do have a problem.
03:35It is a bit of a worry, Kim.
03:37I beg you.
03:38Oh, I'm not criticising you.
03:40It's your dress that makes you look like a thump.
03:42And you think yours looks good, do you, Sharon?
03:45Well, let me tell you, Mum.
03:46I'm not going to be standing next to that at your wedding.
03:47I've got a red coat of the eyes.
03:49At least mine is in my car.
03:51Oh, yeah, red goes with your hives.
03:54They are not hives.
03:56They are wealth, Kim.
03:58From my carbuncles.
04:00We're just going to get Roman to remake them.
04:01What is the problem?
04:02Mum, I can't do that.
04:04That was the last of the very specially ported fabric.
04:06Go and take it off before you split the seams anymore.
04:09I'm serious.
04:11Oh, it's stuck here to all this.
04:18I'm really happy with mine, Mrs. D.
04:20And, you know, one out of two ain't bad.
04:22I can't believe, Kim.
04:23I just want this day to be perfect, Sharon.
04:26My wedding to her father was a shocker from go to woe.
04:30Kim doesn't know this.
04:32I've always told her she was eight months premature.
04:34And thank goodness she's always been shocking on maths because she's never twigged.
04:38But on my day-to-day, Sharon, I was as big as a house.
04:41It was a shotgun wedding?
04:43No, it was sit down for 40 people.
04:45Oh, nice.
04:45But it was a nightmare, not unlike the whole marriage.
04:47But don't go there, girlfriend, please.
04:49Here's your stupid dress.
04:54Mum's the word on that, Sharon.
04:55Yeah, sure.
04:57Kimmy, look, I don't want to nag you.
05:01You've just got to lose a lot of weight.
05:02Too sweet, please.
05:03What do you want me to do, Mum?
05:05Take up smoking again?
05:06Well, that's your choice, Kim.
05:08But if you don't have the willpower to give up smoking and not pig out...
05:12I mean, look at me.
05:13I keep my weight in check.
05:14But you smoke, Mum.
05:16Oh, one.
05:16They hardly count, Kim.
05:19You've just got to go on a diet.
05:20Mum, I've been on a diet since I was five years old.
05:23Doesn't seem to be...
05:24Please.
05:26Now, Kimmy, look at me.
05:28Look at me.
05:28Look at me.
05:29Look at me, please, Kim.
05:31Now, I've got one word to say to you, Kim.
05:34Ozone.
05:34What?
05:35Ozone.
05:36The ozone diet.
05:37It's the only way.
05:38You must have heard of it.
05:39It's taken Hollywood by storm.
05:40Everybody's on it.
05:41Madonna, Penn, Richie.
05:43Jennifer, Pitt, Aniston.
05:44Courtney loves cock.
05:45The ozone diet.
05:46What is that specifically in tile?
05:48Well, it's air, evidently, Kimmy.
05:50You just eat air for two weeks and then only red meat for two weeks.
05:53So it all balances out.
05:54Oh, it sounds stupid, Mum.
05:56Oh, is Liz Hurley stupid, Kim?
05:59Is Rachel Hunter stupid?
06:00Because they've all been on it and they've all lost it.
06:03I don't know.
06:04Well, I bloody know, Kim.
06:05Well, you know, you can't force it, Mum.
06:07It's got to come from me.
06:08I don't care where it comes from as long as it comes off.
06:11Yes, hello.
06:13I'm just warning you, Kim.
06:15Your spare tire is not going to derail me until the wedding.
06:18All right, I'm going to show you.
06:20I'm going to make you eat your words.
06:22Well, as long as you don't eat them, that's all I care about.
06:25No, my diet starts as of tomorrow.
06:27I've got a phone call to make.
06:37In olden times, as in times of now, questions seem the same somehow.
06:43Because if they'll love me, oh, lady, fine, as I do you.
06:47Big time.
06:53Chicken, tea, having butter sauce with creamy pasta on the side.
06:56They are here.
06:59Fafali pomodori with Asian greens.
07:02What's this?
07:02My new diet, Mum?
07:03It's packaged food delivered to your door.
07:05Celine cuisine.
07:06It's based on Celine Dion's exact diet.
07:10Well, I don't know if I want you looking like Celine Dion at my wedding.
07:12She's far too thin.
07:13Mum!
07:14Is that all you get for a week?
07:15You'll go through that lot in a day, I'd say.
07:17Oh, ha, ha.
07:18I'm not laughing and I have a very good sense of humour.
07:23Hello, Sharon, love.
07:24How are your poor feet?
07:26Oh, good, thanks, Mrs. D.
07:27What are you reading there?
07:29Oh, it's a self-help book, Mrs. D, all about motivation.
07:32I'm reading for Kim because she can't be bothered.
07:35Self-help.
07:36Now, that does sound interesting.
07:37You know, Kim, I really think that's all you need.
07:40Just a bit of motivation, you know.
07:42Maybe you should get a life coach.
07:44Try hypnosis.
07:44They've got really excellent weight control therapy these days.
07:47Don't start me on your therapy, Sharon.
07:48I don't want a stranger poking around my emotional holes at the moment, please.
07:52You know, Kim, it's all about what's going on inside.
07:55Your fat is probably all in your head.
07:57A little bit on your thighs, but mostly in your head.
08:01You're nice, Sharon.
08:03Kim, if you would only own your problem in your ring of concern...
08:07Why don't you take your nose out of my ring, Sharon?
08:10Okay.
08:11Okay.
08:11I am actively listening.
08:14All right?
08:15All right?
08:15I am taking your aggro on board.
08:18Because I am okay and you are okay.
08:21No.
08:22I'm okay.
08:23You're a dickhead.
08:25I'm going to read this in my room.
08:26No, Kim.
08:28I am okay.
08:29See, you've got all the lingo down, haven't you, Sharon?
08:32Oh, yeah.
08:33I'm addicted to all this stuff, Mrs. D.
08:35These books are fantastic.
08:37I mean, really big changes are happening for me, you know?
08:40I mean, I'm growing.
08:41I'm changing.
08:42Just watch this space.
08:43I think I might have actually found my calling.
08:46Oh, really?
08:46How so?
08:47Well, considering all the reading up I've been doing
08:50and my experience in sport and my third degree burns,
08:54I think that the really obvious part for me is marriage counselling.
08:58You know, getting troubled couples, bringing them together
09:01and then helping them paper over their cracks.
09:05Oh, Brett.
09:07Kim?
09:08Yeah?
09:08Brett's here.
09:09Yeah, I know.
09:10We're going out for lunch.
09:12That sounds promising.
09:27Do you want a fry?
09:28No, Brett.
09:29Nice talking to you, Jo.
09:31We'd love you to drive through.
09:31Don't you be cringing?
09:32Hello.
09:33I'm still here.
09:36I invited you out to lunch today, Kim, to talk about us.
09:40I'm all in.
09:43There's so much that's good about us, Kim.
09:45I mean, I'm the first to open our marriage's room for improvement.
09:49You and me have been home a bit of a start.
09:51Well, that may be true, Brett, but I've still had some issues.
09:55You may do, Kim.
09:56Just ask me.
09:57I'll be honest with you and you'll be honest with me.
09:59I don't want to talk about it.
10:01Not if it's something I've said or something I've done.
10:03Brett, do you think I look fat?
10:05Don't ask me that, Kim.
10:06What?
10:06Oh, please.
10:07What?
10:07It's just a question.
10:08Do you think I'm fat?
10:10How do I fight?
10:11Brett, I'm not going to bite your head off.
10:15Come on.
10:16Do you think I'm overly big?
10:17I don't care about you, mate.
10:18You could be the size of a house.
10:19I'd still love you.
10:22The size of a house?
10:26Where do you get off?
10:28You should take a look in the mirror sometime.
10:30You know oil painting yourself, Baldy.
10:32Well, you should probably have to.
10:32You know there are millions of guys out there who think I'm hot.
10:36Even at you, my husband doesn't.
10:37Thank you for that.
10:38When?
10:39You know I didn't know it.
10:40What?
10:47I don't know.
10:48I don't know.
10:49You're a big fat ass.
10:57Oh, Kel
11:06145, that's very good, sweet
11:07I tell you, Kel
11:09Tim could do with a bit of cardio, you know
11:11A little bit of huffy-puffy three times a week
11:14Wouldn't go astray
11:14Because I tell you
11:15I'm not buying another froth for her
11:18How are you going with your vows?
11:19For the celebrant
11:20Because I think we should go in their arms
11:21With the words we want
11:22Yeah, I concur
11:24I think the words do need to be peculiar to us
11:27Any ideas?
11:29Oh yeah, I've written something on the computer
11:31Oh good
11:32Don't laugh
11:32I'll read it out for you
11:36Don't look
11:40Kel Knight, you are my hairy stag
11:44And I am your nubile nympho
11:46Like two young saplings that grow together
11:49May you find solace in my leafy canopy
11:53Right, that's a start
11:56Well I haven't had a lot of time, Kel
11:58You should hear mine
12:01Gold
12:01If Brett calls, I'm incommunicado
12:04Where?
12:06Oh, who's taken my pretty-can-nut snack?
12:09Look at the size of it, Kel
12:12And she's constantly fighting with breath
12:14Maybe they should get some counselling
12:18You know, you're not just a pretty face
12:49You'd better put your scoge on
12:50Regularly over the next few months
12:52Leading up to your nuptials
12:54I'm looking forward to getting to know you
12:56And I'm sure you're desperate
12:57To get to know me
12:58So let's begin today
13:00By maybe thinking of three things
13:02That best describe who you are
13:05I'll start, let's see
13:07Single
13:08Plays the organ
13:10One cat
13:11Bark
13:12Okay, three things
13:14Fit
13:16Virile
13:19In love
13:24Caring
13:26Foxy
13:27And
13:29Ditto
13:30In love
13:30Well done
13:32They're beautiful words
13:34Now I'm assuming you're both goers
13:36For this weekend's Sex and Marriage workshop
13:38Meals will be provided
13:40But please, BYO, Blanc
13:42Oh
13:43Meals provided
13:44That sounds unusual
13:45That sounds nice actually
13:46That's different
13:47Yeah
13:48Right, okay
13:49Anyone for a mug of Jarrah?
13:52Now, I know
13:54That you two are having a real hard time
13:56At the moment, you know
13:57Constantly fighting
13:59Getting up each other's goat
14:00On each other's back
14:01You were a fairytale couple
14:04You know
14:05But now it is time
14:07For you to open your eyes wide shut
14:09Okay
14:10So Nicole
14:11Tom
14:13I want you
14:16To kiss
14:17And make her
14:23Isn't that better?
14:25Hi Tim
14:26Do you want to be a guinea pig?
14:29And blindfolds off
14:36And how was that?
14:37Yeah
14:38That was amazing Mary
14:39It's really surprising
14:40Her skin
14:41Her hair
14:42Lumps and bumps
14:43It was like discovering a new person
14:44Actually Nicole
14:46You did get a little bit lost there
14:48For a moment
14:49Oh sure Mary
14:50No no no
14:50That's fine
14:51I'm used to it
14:52Okay
14:53Let's go and have a seat
14:58Well here's our hot drinks
14:59I need this
15:02Right
15:03So folks
15:05How are we
15:06Faring that way?
15:07Okay
15:07Okay
15:08We'd like to write our own
15:10Thanks Marion
15:11Right
15:11And do you want to include
15:13Any of your traditional
15:14Love, honour and obey?
15:16No
15:16Oh yes
15:17Kaz
15:18What?
15:19I want to say love, honour and obey
15:21You don't have to obey me
15:23We're equal
15:23No Kel
15:24It's more elegant
15:25If I obey you
15:26Makes me feel a bit uncomfortable
15:28Puts a bit of pressure on me
15:29Well
15:30I'm going to obey you Kel
15:31I don't want you to obey me
15:33Well if I want to obey you
15:34I will
15:36I don't have to do what you say
15:37You do have to do what I say
15:39It's who?
15:40It's me and that's an order
15:41Oh
15:42It's dishing out orders now
15:44Well when it comes to being equal
15:45We don't obey you
15:47Shhh
15:47I don't want to have to make all the decisions
15:52I don't want to be wearing the pants all the time
15:53That's all it
15:54So it's my fault of being too modern is it?
15:56Well I don't agree if you've been modern Kel
15:57I just would like it if you're a bit more caveman
15:59And not so quiche man
16:04Hey him
16:12Kim!
16:13Hi Sharon
16:13Oh hi Brody
16:14Where's Kim?
16:15Oh I hypnotised her to help with the junk food cravings
16:18But when I came back from the loo she was gone
16:20Is she in the good room?
16:20Kim!
16:21Kim!
16:22What have I done Brody?
16:23Maybe I've disappeared her
16:24No I think so
16:25I'll check the bedroom
16:26You don't understand Brody
16:27I have a gift
16:28I've heard me with the power
16:29Oh I'm sorry Kim
16:33Kim
16:33Kim
16:34With the power
16:35Of my mind
16:36I'm going to bring you back
16:38Come back Kim
16:40Oh Kim thank God
16:42Wake up Kim
16:43Ow!
16:44Sharon!
16:46Stupid hypnotism made me starving
16:48Oh but you're back Kim
16:49Mind my cheese balls
16:51There you are
16:52Oh what are you doing here Baldi?
16:54I'm going to try and sort things out
16:55Stop the fighting
16:59Come on Kim
16:59What do you reckon?
17:00What do you say?
17:02I'm just trying to get us back together
17:04And you keep on blocking me
17:06Give me the cat's bum
17:06Every step of the way
17:07Okay
17:08Alright you two now
17:09Now I'm active with you
17:11Oh it's always about you
17:11Isn't it Brett?
17:12Talk to me Kim
17:13I am talking to you
17:14What is this chopped liver?
17:16No it's not chopped liver Kim
17:17But talk to me properly
17:18Talk about us
17:18I am talking to you properly
17:20Look at your ears
17:22I've never yelled Brett
17:23I do not yell at me all the time
17:24I do not yell at me all the time
17:26I'm wearing the pants all the time
17:27Sometimes
17:27I don't want to have any pants on at all
17:29Is that alright?
17:30What are you doing here Brett?
17:32I don't really understand what you're doing
17:33I'm just trying to tell us
17:34I'll take you away
17:35I'm just trying to tell us
17:37I'm just trying to tell you
17:37I'm just trying to tell you
17:37Hold on
17:38Hold on
17:39Hold on
17:40Stop fighting
17:40You people need help
17:44Professional help
17:49Innermost feelings
17:50Kim I'll start with you
17:51Alright
17:52Now I want you to tell me
17:53Just show me a few words
17:55That describe
17:55How it is you are feeling now
17:57Now I know you're very angry
17:58Just words
17:59Um
18:01Incensed
18:03Grateful
18:03Good
18:04Good
18:04Ready
18:06Um
18:08Frustrated
18:10Crying inside
18:11Good
18:12Tell
18:13I'd have to say
18:15Sheepish
18:16But still
18:16Satisfied
18:17After
18:18Last night's
18:19Lovemaking session
18:19I shouldn't have to hear that
18:21Thank you Kel
18:23And
18:24I'll wear the pants
18:26Kim
18:26Leave off those cheese balls
18:28Please
18:28Let's have them to your diet
18:29Here we go again
18:30Good point Mrs D
18:32Um
18:32Let's talk about
18:33Kim's waist
18:34For a moment
18:34Now Kim
18:35Why do you think
18:35You have a weight problem
18:37Because she has no
18:38Self control
18:39I'll tell you why
18:40I have a weight problem
18:41Because mum
18:42Ever since I can remember
18:43You've belittled me
18:44And that's why I'm big
18:45So what are you saying Kim
18:46That my belittling
18:47Has been big kids
18:48Well that's what I am saying
18:49What about poor Brett here
18:51Having to wake up to that
18:52Every morning
18:52Oh let me out of this
18:53Mrs D
18:53Please
18:54Oh thanks for your support
18:55Brett
18:55Do anything
18:56All I know is mum
18:57You caused most of my problems
18:58You don't understand me
19:00You don't care about me
19:01You don't love me
19:01Like a real mother should
19:02Yes
19:03That is because you adopted
19:06What
19:07I knew it
19:08That's not true Sharon
19:09Kim's not adopted
19:10But
19:11What was it you told me
19:12The other day Mrs D
19:13That was an inscriptive
19:15Of confidence
19:15Yeah but
19:16What was it
19:17Yeah
19:17What was it
19:18I said
19:20And Kel knows this already
19:21That I was already pregnant
19:23With Kim
19:23When I married her father
19:24Oh
19:25I hope that being a bastard
19:26Is adopted mixed up
19:27I don't believe it
19:29I wish I was adopted
19:31Oh
19:31Kim
19:32That's very good Kim
19:33Now let's use that alright
19:34Talk to me
19:34Tell me
19:35What are you feeling now
19:36What am I feeling
19:37I'll tell you what I'm feeling
19:38I'm feeling that I'm a bastard
19:39My mother's a bitch
19:40And you're bloody stupid
19:41Oh
19:42I'm not
19:43I'm not talking to you
19:45No
19:45I'm not talking to you
19:46Sharon
19:46I am certainly not talking to you
19:48Come on
19:49Calm down
19:49No one's talking to you
19:51I'm sorry
19:54I don't need this
19:56Look if anyone wants me
19:57I'm packing for my weekend workshop
19:59Kel
20:00Are you coming
20:01I'm coming
20:04Okay
20:04Take five
20:11I suppose I shouldn't have called mum a bitch
20:14But she made me a bastard
20:16I know I'm not technically a bastard
20:18But it's really churned me up inside
20:21So I couldn't possibly be dieting at this stage
20:25Kepanyaki muscles
20:27What the hell
20:39Tim's car's not here
20:40She must be out
20:43Oh
20:44Kel can you take my vanity in please
20:46I'm just going to go up with the bins out
20:48Got to get all those bottles
20:49I'll give you a hand with the bins first
20:50Oh thanks Kel
21:08Sounds like Kim's back
21:10Are you going to talk to her?
21:13Kel
21:13I have given
21:15And given
21:15And given
21:16Until I'm blue in the face
21:17No
21:18My lips stay zipped
21:19Until I get an apology
21:21Really
21:23You won't unzip them even for
21:25For me
21:29Well
21:35Hi mum
21:36How's the weekend?
21:40Kel
21:40Can you tell mum to come out here
21:42Because I need to speak to her
21:43Kel
21:44Can you tell Kim
21:45I'm not speaking to her
21:46Until I get an apology
21:47Kel
21:47Well can you tell mum to think about coming downstairs
21:49Because I really wanted to see something
21:53Go on Kat
21:55Make up with Kim
21:56And that's an order
21:58An order eh
22:00Who's wearing the pants now?
22:02Well the little
22:03Shorty shorts anyway
22:06In a minute
22:10Nearly Kim
22:12Is she going to talk to you again?
22:13I bet you're the expert
22:15You tell me
22:15Oh no
22:16I've given up the self-help cable
22:17Gone back to ping pong
22:18Hang on
22:19Breathe in
22:21Oh
22:22There
22:23See
22:24I'm so glad
22:25I took up the fags again
22:27Sharon
22:28Your counselling session
22:29Really taught me something
22:30You know
22:30It doesn't matter how healthy
22:32You are on the inside
22:33It's what you look like
22:34That count
22:34Well you know
22:36Your mum
22:36Your mum's coming
22:41Oh
22:41Oh
22:41Kim
22:42What mum
22:43You look beautiful
22:45Turn around
22:46Oh you look just like Mariah Carey
22:49I can't believe it
22:51How many kilos have you lost?
22:52How'd you do it?
22:53Oh willpower mum
22:54Sheer willpower
22:55And she's taking up the fags again
22:57Good girl Kim
22:59Good girl
22:59Thanks mum
23:00Now I've decided to lose the weight
23:01The sensible old-fashioned way
23:03Laxatives and smokes
23:05Well look
23:06I want to make a little speech here
23:08I have to say
23:09I was deeply disturbed
23:10About some of the things
23:11That came out
23:12During our family counselling session
23:14And after my weekend workshop
23:16I feel that yes
23:17Maybe I did play a small part
23:19In some of your myriad of problems
23:21And as such
23:22I am willing to leave off
23:24About your weight
23:24And to stop making comments
23:26On the snide all the time
23:27Well thank you mum
23:28No thank you
23:29It's much appreciated
23:31This is beautiful
23:33Ladies
23:34We have closure
23:36So what are we going to do
23:37About your love handles
23:38And your fidubitas
23:38Mum
23:40You make him
23:41I'm using you
23:42I'm reading you
23:43It's not funny
23:43Oh come on
23:44Have a laugh
23:45Come on have a laugh
23:45Oh actually don't
23:46Your tummy will wobble
23:46Mum
23:50Oh
23:51That's not going to work
23:53Why don't you use silk flowers mum
23:54Because I don't want to alright