- 2 days ago
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00:01I'm so exhausted now I'm carrying Kim.
00:03What?
00:04Now I'm carrying all the shopping.
00:06Oh.
00:06I have forgotten though.
00:08It's so exciting, isn't it?
00:09So much fun.
00:10We haven't got a lot of time though.
00:11Oh hello, who's having this baby?
00:13Oh Kimmy, look.
00:15The nautical look.
00:16That's so cute.
00:17Oh, nautical is nice.
00:19It's so nice.
00:19It is nice.
00:20It's different.
00:20It's unusual.
00:22It is so cute.
00:23It's a little bow tie.
00:25Oh but Kimmy, I've done all the shopping for the baby.
00:27You know, you lay it and such.
00:28Alright, so we just need to finish off for you.
00:30So let's do a quick itinerary.
00:32What do we need to get?
00:33And the holly dolly breast pump and sponge bag?
00:35Check.
00:36And the Wiggles maxi pads?
00:37Check.
00:37So that just leaves the Bob the Builder nipple guards to get, Kim.
00:41That's done.
00:43I tell you Kim, I could chill for a Chino.
00:45Have a mug of Chino.
00:47Oh that's too big, I don't like mugs.
00:50Oh, I've got to go and get my bean bag.
00:52Kim?
00:53What?
00:55Oh.
00:57Is Brittany excited about going to birth classes for Sarvo?
01:00No, he doesn't even want to come.
01:02Anyway, he'll be hopeless at the birth.
01:04He was no use at the conception.
01:06This is stupid, Kim.
01:07What do you mean he was no use at the conception?
01:09All I'm saying is I had to do everything myself as per usual.
01:13And can you leave off my tiramisu please?
01:16See, tiramisu, that's a pretty name.
01:19It is Kim.
01:20It is Kim.
01:20Tiramisu.
01:21Make a mental note, Kath.
01:22Remember name.
01:23Alright, I'd better go.
01:25Oh Kim.
01:26Those bumpsters, they're splicking already.
01:29Not them maternity bumpsters, they're meant to splish.
01:31It's the look.
01:32Anyway, I've got to go to Target, get my bean bag for birth classes.
01:36Speaking of bean bags.
01:37What?
01:38You're fine.
01:39I mean, cottage cheese is nice, love, but not on your legs.
01:42Skip the phone, Mum.
01:44Oh Kim, don't forget, Kel and I are going to choose your pram today.
01:47Yes, I know.
01:48So can I see you back in the barina in ten minutes, please?
01:51We're in tea too, Kim.
01:58Oh, look at the eyes.
02:01What a wise little face.
02:03He's been here before, hasn't he?
02:05He's a girl.
02:10What's wrong with the man Murray?
02:12It's Val.
02:12What's the dad's name?
02:14He says it all.
02:15Brett, why can't you compromise for once and just do what I say?
02:19Anyway, it's going to be a girl.
02:20Nah, it's a boy.
02:21The Faygo boy looks at a square, like a tank in the back.
02:25It's like a tank.
02:26You're really getting up my goat today, Brett.
02:29Where are you going?
02:30The hospital's over that way.
02:32Why do we even have to do birth class?
02:33Because it's nice.
02:34It's normal.
02:36It's not embarrassing.
02:40Brett, what are you doing?
02:41This is the casualty entrance.
02:43You can't park here.
02:43There!
02:44There are ambulances coming up behind it.
02:46Just stay down there.
02:47I can't.
02:48It's one way.
02:48Well, it doesn't matter.
02:49Bloody hell.
02:51Brett!
02:52This is the wrong hospital, you idiot.
02:55I'm going home.
03:01Oh, gee, it's life.
03:05How do you get it up, Kel?
03:08Hang on, I'll get the instructions.
03:10Oh, God.
03:11Maybe we should have got the umbrella style, Kel.
03:13Oh, there's nothing there.
03:16Don't do it like that.
03:18Right.
03:18And, okay.
03:20Oh, it's easy.
03:23Gee, look at that.
03:25Oh, smooth.
03:27It'd be so easy to have a baby these days.
03:46Well, you're going next week, and the week after that, and the week after that, until
03:50I say, and that's final breath.
03:52You know, I should have a say in some things, Kim.
03:53It is my baby too, you know.
03:55Don't get cocky.
03:55What's that supposed to mean, Kim?
04:10Right.
04:11That's the port-a-cot.
04:12Oh, and the musical mobile.
04:16Ha, ha.
04:16Plays a nice tune, vulgar boatmen.
04:19Oh.
04:20Na, na, na, na, na.
04:23Na, na, na.
04:23That's pretty, isn't it, Kel?
04:25Yeah.
04:25No, look, I do think it's easier for us to have our own nursery set up here.
04:29Something you want to do with?
04:30Oh, you're not getting clucky, are you, sweet?
04:36No way, Jose.
04:38Been there, done that.
04:40Oh, have a look at that.
04:44So small.
04:45Oh, ha, ha.
04:46Isn't that hysterical?
04:50Yeah, well, I suppose I'd better get a D, eh?
04:52That's better than me, Kim.
04:53I was jaking.
04:54You've got no sense of humour.
04:56Not on me.
04:57Of course you're the father.
04:58Well, you know I want to be involved as much as I can.
05:01I just know I can't handle birth classes.
05:03Well, it's alright for you, isn't it?
05:04You don't have to carry it around, lose your beautiful figure and get fat.
05:08Now, what if I could, Kim?
05:09Oh, that is revolting, Brett.
05:11Oh, calm out, calm out, people.
05:12Calm out.
05:13Now, what's happening?
05:14Brett, what's your issue?
05:16Oh, I don't want to go to birth classes.
05:17And, Kimmy, what's your beef?
05:18I don't want to call the baby Murray.
05:20Well, alright, Brett, you don't have to go to birth classes.
05:22Oh, Kimmy, you don't have to call the baby Murray.
05:24Okay, we've got closure.
05:26Thanks, Mum.
05:27Good deal.
05:28Thank you, Coltensis.
05:29No worries.
05:30Have a taste of this brand.
05:31Oh, it's my homebrew.
05:33Thanks, Kel.
05:34Kimmy, come with me.
05:34I want to show you the brand.
05:36Very good.
05:37That's good, mate.
05:37Actually, make a couple of balls home.
05:40I'm more of a Chardonnay man, Michelle.
05:49That's a compliment in some countries.
05:58Yes.
05:58Gee, Kel's right into this baby caper.
06:01I've got a hinkling he's got a secret yearning, you know.
06:04Maybe he wants a child.
06:06It is a waste.
06:07I mean, look at him.
06:08Jeans to die for.
06:10What about these?
06:11Lords, Rocco, Paris, Prince, Blanket.
06:15Michael Jackson has called this kid Blanket.
06:17That's nice.
06:18There's some very pretty names around at the moment, kids.
06:21I've got Winona, Paloma, Papaloma.
06:24Oh, beautiful.
06:25That's nice.
06:26Yeah.
06:26Hi, Mrs D.
06:28Hi, Kim.
06:28Hi, Sharon.
06:28What have you come at?
06:30Oh, don't you look dinky-dye.
06:32Yeah.
06:33Well, I'm just a beast bit away from being an official Commonwealth Games volunteer.
06:38Oh, Sharon.
06:39That's exciting.
06:40Yeah.
06:40So what does that specifically entail us?
06:42Well, Mrs D., given my sporting prowess, you know, like in netball and indoor cricket,
06:47I will be stationed outside the portaloos, motivating people to hurry up with the war cry,
06:52Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!
06:53Oi, oi, oi!
06:54Oh, well, you must feel terribly proud, Sharon.
06:57Yeah.
06:57Oh, yeah, Mrs D., yeah, yeah.
06:58And it's just, you know, one little test away from being official.
07:01Mmm.
07:02Yeah.
07:03My lip's tingling.
07:04I hope I'm not getting a cold sore.
07:06Sharon, I've got something important to ask you.
07:09Yes, Kim?
07:11Because you're my second best friend, and my husband is a dickhead, would you deign to come
07:15to birth classes with me?
07:18I don't think I can, Kim.
07:21Yeah, right.
07:22Well, I mean, I have to check my games roster.
07:25I think I'm on call for training.
07:27Bloody hopeless, Sharon.
07:29I am not hopeless, Kim.
07:32I am the official face of Melbourne.
07:34What about Tina?
07:37Tina is having her birth job reversed at the moment.
07:40Your second fair, we're the second best friend, Sharon.
07:42I am not even an officer.
07:45You know I am not.
07:46You are not.
07:47You are not.
07:48I don't like you talking to you.
07:50Kimmy, Kimmy, Kimmy, look at me, please.
07:52Look at me, look at me.
07:53Now, I've got one word to say to you, kid.
07:55Miss Famwee.
07:57What?
07:57Miss Famwee Kathleen Darlene Craig for the baby.
08:00I think it's a beautiful name.
08:02So, can we settle on the Famwee, can we?
08:04Mum, I'm not having wee in my baby's name.
08:07Well, alright.
08:08Girl, can we have a powwow, please?
08:10Come on, sit down.
08:10I really want to get this name sorted out too sweet as of today.
08:13Come on.
08:16Right.
08:17Now, hit me with your sudgies.
08:18Come on.
08:19I heard a really beautiful name the other day.
08:22Taylor.
08:23T-A-I-L-U-H.
08:25Taylor.
08:26Oh, that's nice.
08:28I really like Tiffany Mum.
08:31Spelled T-Y-P-H-P-H-A-A-N-N-I-I.
08:34Oh.
08:35Isn't that nice?
08:36It's a pretty spelling.
08:37Well, I'll tell you another beautiful name that I happened upon was Epony Ray.
08:41Spelled E-P-P-O-N-N-N-E.
08:44Mrs D, is that knee with a K?
08:46Yeah.
08:47R-A-E, Ray, umlao, close italics.
08:50Oh, yes.
08:51Epony Ray.
08:52Epony Ray.
08:52It's nice, it is.
08:53It's nice.
08:54It's different.
08:54It's different.
08:56What if it could bore you?
08:58Oh, well, I like old-fashioned names, you know, like Victorian names.
09:02Glen Wavely, that's strong.
09:03No, no, no.
09:04It's going to be a girl.
09:05I can feel it in my waters.
09:06Oh, Kim.
09:07Why don't we do the ring test?
09:08Give me your wedding ring.
09:09Oh, yes, yes, yes.
09:10Oh, that's a good idea.
09:11You'll use your wedding ring.
09:12I'll go and lie on the couch.
09:13Go and lie on the couch.
09:14Does it over your tummy.
09:15It gives a very accurate reading, I find.
09:17Now, if it goes round and round in a circle, then that means that it's a little girl.
09:22And if it goes up and down, it's going to be a boy.
09:24Yep, yep.
09:24Come on.
09:26Oh, what happens if it goes from side to side?
09:28Look at that.
09:30Hey-dee, hey-dee-ho.
09:32I think it's an elephant, Kim.
09:34You're doing that yourself, Sharon.
09:36Mum, everyone's mean to me.
09:37You're mean to me.
09:38Brett's mean to me.
09:39The baby's mean to me.
09:40Kicking me when I'm down.
09:42I don't care.
09:43I care, Kim.
09:46Do you, Sharon?
09:48Come on, Kim.
09:48Buck up.
09:49Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!
09:51Oi, oi, oi!
09:53Aussie!
09:53Aussie!
09:53Now, that's a nice name!
09:56What the hell?
10:05S-H-A-R-I-
10:13Excuse me, um, can you get a lady's toilet, please?
10:17Matt!
10:25Hi, I'm Sharon.
10:27Sharon's your Vicky.
10:29Very nice to meet you.
10:35Advance Australia Fair.
10:39Australian, so let us rejoice, for we are young and free.
10:49We'll go and appear, ah-la-la-la, ah-ha-ha, for the land of the brave.
11:16Mr.
11:20Mr.
11:21Tiny, Ray, Umlao, close I'll tell it.
11:24No, I hear it.
11:25Oh!
11:27Oh!
11:27It's not bad.
11:28Oh my God, Brett!
11:30Something's happening to you, Kim.
11:31What the hell are you doing?
11:32I've heard about this. I've got a little sympathy.
11:36Oh, what are you saying? You're having a phantom pregnancy?
11:38Oh, I don't know, Kim.
11:39Well, I do. You're stealing my thunder, and I don't like it.
11:45Oh, thought you were going for a run, doll.
11:55I am. I'm just going to the torture.
11:57Did you finish with that?
11:58Oh, wasn't ready.
11:59I need something to read.
12:03Cal, doll.
12:06I was wondering if we could factor in some one-on-one face time tonight.
12:10I'll be out in a minute, doll.
12:12Yeah, maybe just a casual tea, you know, F&C's down on Bond Beach.
12:16You're on.
12:17Alright.
12:19Everyone's so self-obsessed.
12:21Why the only person around here thinking about me?
12:24The way Mum's carrying on, it's like she's having a baby.
12:26Brett's pretending to be pregnant,
12:28and now Sharon is going to the Commonwealth Games.
12:45Oh, look at that cat.
12:47This is a ship's pilot piloting his ship into Port Phillip Hens.
12:52Sir?
12:52Oh.
12:53Sorry, doll.
12:54A million miles away.
12:56Penny for your thoughts, lovely lady.
12:59Oh, I don't know, Kellan.
13:01I'm just really worried about this whole children issue with you.
13:05I mean, it's alright for me.
13:06I've had a baby.
13:07I've had Kim.
13:08But what about you?
13:09You've got zilch.
13:10Haven't you ever wanted to have a child?
13:12It's never been a big deal for me.
13:14Really?
13:15You don't want to see your genes carried on?
13:17Oh, no problem there.
13:18For me, I used to be a donator to the sperm bank quite regularly.
13:21Even though there could be little Kell and Kelly nights running around out there.
13:26What kill?
13:26A sperm bank?
13:28Yeah, it used to be a bit of a hobby of mine.
13:29You know, something to do.
13:31Oh.
13:32Really?
13:33You're joking.
13:34You know, doing a bit for society.
13:36Helping out infertile couples.
13:38Haven't done it for years.
13:40Is that a problem, Kat?
13:42No, heavens.
14:17Well, I suppose at the end of the day, it's all for the best for me that my dream didn't
14:21come true, because now I can come to your birth classes with you.
14:24Well, I wasn't going to go on my own.
14:26What would that look like?
14:28Why'd you get kicked out of the volunteers again?
14:31Oh, I'm what's called an enforced voluntary redundancy, which sort of turned out to be
14:36a bit of a blessing in disguise to him, because I didn't realise they don't actually pay volunteers.
14:41Oh, and Sharon, you'll have to double as my bean bag.
14:44I had to leave it at home.
14:45Brett's glued to it.
14:46Literally.
14:47Yeah, sure, Kim.
14:48No worries, of course.
14:52It's got to be here.
14:54There it is.
14:55Two-toe.
14:56That means pretty girl.
14:58Yeah, pretty girl.
15:00Yes, you are.
15:01Yes, you are.
15:02Yes, you are.
15:07I was going to tell you, Kat.
15:09It's fine, Kel.
15:11I'm cool with this damn daynery.
15:13What about you and me?
15:15What about our future?
15:18What about it, Kat?
15:20Well, I think we both have a lot of love to give.
15:23And make.
15:25Seriously though, Kel.
15:27I mean, we're both rattling around in that great big home.
15:32You know, I think it's crunch time.
15:33I think it's time we had that talk.
15:37I'm all ears.
15:40You know, you're a tremendous person, Kel Niles.
15:43More cockfighters?
15:44Yes, please.
15:51Relax.
15:52Relax.
15:53Into the bean bag.
15:55Oh, Ken.
15:55You hit me.
15:57Okay, now my bean bag is complaining.
16:03All the strength.
16:05Let it go.
16:08Feel your toes.
16:09And let it go.
16:12Breathe.
16:13Breathe.
16:14And let it go.
16:16And any little niggles you might have about the baby or anything.
16:20Any worries.
16:21Don't be shy.
16:22You can talk here.
16:23Let it go.
16:27Hi.
16:29I'm Sharon.
16:30Sharon Strzecki.
16:32I've broken my fibula five times.
16:35I have hives.
16:36I have a cold sore.
16:37I was recently retrenched as a Commonwealth Games volunteer.
16:40I've been here.
16:40And I'm a bit desperately.
16:43Why am I?
16:47It's a lot.
16:50You let it go.
16:52Let it go.
16:54Let it go.
17:05so it's decided
17:08it's exciting isn't it Kel
17:11you don't think we're too old do you
17:13oh it'll make us young
17:14oh there's a lot of work
17:17what do you want a boy or a girl
17:19I don't care as long as it's healthy and attractive
17:21if she's anything like you she'll be beautiful
17:24oh you grey hunk of spunk
17:32oh that feels nice
17:35what do you call that
17:36thank you
17:38oh
17:41oh
17:51oh
17:53oh
17:53oh
17:54oh
17:54oh
17:54oh
17:56oh
17:57oh
17:58oh
18:09it's beer smell at Paul
18:12oh
18:12you should smell our place
18:13Yeah, it was the doggy yeast, Mrs D.
18:15Oh, yeast? I've got a book I can enjoy on that, Brett.
18:19It can be a bugger to get rid of.
18:20So what's the story, Mum? Why are we all here?
18:23You'll find out when Kel comes back.
18:25Now, tell me, Kim, how did you go at birth classes?
18:28Oh, no, Brett was right. I'm not going back.
18:30Oh, I loved it, Mrs D. I'm definitely going back.
18:33You are looking at an official birth class volunteer.
18:36Oh, but, Kim, you've got to go to birth classes.
18:38They teach how to manage labour.
18:40You know, your breathing and positions,
18:41whether to crouch on all your fours or your what-not.
18:44If it's any of your beeswax,
18:45I will be sitting up having a baileys and a pine light.
18:48Oh, this stupid girl.
18:50Oh, I've got full hospital cover.
18:52I'm going to have the works.
18:53You know, gas, pepidine, epidural.
18:55You know, I paid for it. I made four years.
18:57Oh, yeah, we paid for it.
18:58Right. Well, all right, people.
19:02I'm glad you're all here.
19:03Well, we're glad you're here.
19:05You all right, Mrs D?
19:06Yeah, you look weird, Mum.
19:08Well, I am feeling a bit weird. Thank you, Kim.
19:10But also very proud to announce that Kel and I...
19:14Oh, my God.
19:15...are going to hear the pitter-patter of little feasts.
19:18Oh, you are joking!
19:20Yes, Kel and I have decided to enrich our lives
19:23and we are soon going to be blessed with a beautiful little...
19:27And here she is.
19:29Oh!
19:31Isn't she pretty?
19:33What brood is it?
19:34What is she, Kel?
19:35A poodle snoodle or a labradoodle?
19:37Multi-doodle.
19:38Multi-doodle.
19:39She's beautiful.
19:40What's her name?
19:41Well, Kel and I have come to a joint decision
19:43and we're going to christen her Epony Ray.
19:45Oh, well, how about I put up some hot dogs, eh?
19:49Oh, sorry, Epony.
19:52Epony Ray?
19:53That was going to be our name for the baby.
19:55Kim, you'll scare her.
19:57Epony Ray, Epony Ray.
19:58Look at me, look at me, look at me, Epony Ray.
20:02Got one word to say to you, Epony Ray.
20:04Good girl.
20:09Hmm.
20:10Yeah.
20:12Anyway, Kim, booze are boo the Epony Ray issue.
20:14Look, it was sad, but I had to get rid of her.
20:16I mean, you know, she tinkled in my good room,
20:18pooped in my white booze.
20:19Shut up, Mum.
20:21And does that include entree?
20:22Yes, and what wines do you have by the glass?
20:25All right, thank you.
20:26No, I'll get back to you.
20:28Listen up, Mum.
20:29Listen to this place.
20:30St. Peter's Women's Private Pads, Sushi,
20:34and a choice of carbonate or risling by the glass.
20:36Oh, hey, hey, hey, St. Peter's.
20:38That really sounds like hell.
20:40Yes.
20:40Knock.
20:41So, um, what were you saying about Epony Ray?
20:43Oh, yes.
20:44Well, the breeder, apparently, was desperate to get her back
20:46because, you know, those mushroom-shaped topknots?
20:48They're quite rare in poodles.
20:50So they're going to take Epony up to the country
20:51to get cloned, I think.
20:53Cloned?
20:54Cloned on the head.
20:55Don't be naive, Mum.
20:57Oh, you're cruel to poor Epony Ray.
20:59Cruel, but fair.
21:00Actually, you can have that name back now if you want.
21:02Oh, no, no, I don't want it anymore.
21:03When I was doing the hospital tour yesterday,
21:05I heard some beautiful names.
21:07What about enema for a girl or lupus for a guy?
21:11Oh, they're nice.
21:12Oh, they're nice.
21:12Actually, you know, when I had my hosies day,
21:14I heard a beautiful name for a girl, IV.
21:17Oh, that's pretty, isn't it?
21:18What about catheter?
21:19I thought of that, but I thought it would be a bit confusing.
21:21Catheter, that's nice.
21:22Or for a little boy, you could have knee all by a mouth.
21:24Yeah, that's nice.
21:25What about Italian?
21:26Because I love Italian names.
21:28Cardio.
21:28Cardio infarction.
21:30Oh, you can't have that.
21:31He'll get farced for short.
21:36No, it's nice.
21:37It's nice.
21:37It's different.
21:38Yeah, it's unusual.
21:39Yeah.