- 2 days ago
Category
🎈
FunTranscript
00:01Richmond, Richo is useless, right?
00:03They talk about our culture, and they talk in our language.
00:06But are they really us, or will the new face of Australia be Asian?
00:10It's so true. If we let any more in, there'll be no Australians living here.
00:14You've got such a beat up, Tim. There's plenty of room for everyone.
00:17Ow! Where's Blake? It's my couch.
00:20Look at this. It's good for Anthony.
00:23Huh? Back on.
00:24Oh, you're coming, Kel.
00:26Turn that rubbish off, Tim. Come and watch Mary Bryant.
00:28It's terrific Australian drama.
00:31Here you go, Doc.
00:33Oh!
00:36Yeah, your chicken feet, Mary Bryant. Life doesn't get much better than this.
00:40They just caught her again.
00:42Oh, poor Mary.
00:44Gee, you think she'd give her face a bit of a wash?
00:47Pretty hard to keep clean in that climate.
00:49You know, Kel, my family on my mum's side, the quail side, were from the top end.
00:53Yeah, they're actually quite well-to-do.
00:55So you're from money?
00:56Oh, we lost it all, of course.
00:58I remember mum telling me about some scandal in the closet.
01:01It was a totally foreboding subject.
01:03You know, I don't know one thing about my background.
01:06You know, where I'm from way back.
01:08Well, Knight, I mean, that'd be a noble name from England.
01:13Yeah, you've probably got royalty in there somewhere, Kel.
01:15Wouldn't mind knowing a bit more about my roots.
01:18You know, it's funny, because I've always thought I was a bit of a knob.
01:22Yeah.
01:22A co-bob.
01:23Well, why don't you do a bit of research?
01:25Get on the net, look up some websites?
01:27Yeah, I think I will.
01:29Oh, not now, Kel.
01:30We've got to finish your ticket a bit and watch Mary Bright.
01:32Oh, look.
01:33They're washing your face.
01:34Oh, that's good girl, Mary.
01:50How many Asians here?
01:52I mean, where are the Australians?
01:54Kim?
01:55They're very racist.
01:56They are Australians.
01:57Well, hardly anyone looks like me.
01:59Oh, fucking them.
02:01They're supposed to be funny.
02:02It's not funny what's happening out there, Mum.
02:04Open your eyes.
02:05Oh, shut up, you stupid girl.
02:07Oh, look here.
02:08Look, this is Rolster.
02:09Here's Newy.
02:10Ten canoes.
02:11What about the Aborigines?
02:12Well, exactly my point.
02:13Why don't those people go back to where they came from?
02:17I think if the Aborigines went back to where they came from,
02:19we'd be moving out.
02:22Oh, look there, Dr. Ongan, going home.
02:24Hello.
02:25I'm doing noodles tonight.
02:26Next, Liz.
02:29Kim?
02:30Do you think that's a squash flyer, Biscos?
02:32No wonder you're huge.
02:35What?
02:36I've only got 12 in my basket and she's got 12.
02:39That adds up to 24.
02:43There's two of us checking out at the same time.
02:46Do you have fly boys?
02:48Sorry?
02:49Fly boys.
02:50You mean fly boys?
02:52I can't understand you speak Australian.
02:55Yes, I do.
02:56How are you, Julie?
03:00Oh, Kat.
03:02Come and have a look at this.
03:03Wow, I don't believe it.
03:04What does it tell?
03:04Guess what?
03:06What?
03:06Apparently, I had a great uncle, Neville John Knight,
03:10who was the governor's surveyor in Horsham.
03:12Surveyor from Horsham to Colic in 1865.
03:15Oh, that's beautiful, isn't it, Kel?
03:17It's not exactly noble though, is it?
03:19Oh, they're here.
03:20I'll find them.
03:22Beep.
03:23Beep.
03:24Beep.
03:26Beep.
03:27Oh, hi, Sharon.
03:28You all right, Liv?
03:29No, not really.
03:31Oh, I've just been thinking, you know, Mrs. D.
03:33since Cal's doing his family tree and all that
03:35about my mum and, you know, how she abandoned me
03:39when I was just a baby.
03:40Oh, you never talk about your mum, do you?
03:42Do you know where she is now, love?
03:44Oh, she went to England, I know that.
03:47Maybe I should try and contact her again.
03:49Yeah, why not?
03:50Wouldn't it hurt?
03:51I mean, she would probably want to know
03:53that I've turned out pretty good, you know,
03:55and found some success.
03:56Well, at least in the sporting arena.
03:58Sure she would, Sharon.
03:59Ah, here it is, Kat.
04:01I knew it.
04:02I've got a cousin who owns a castle.
04:04Oh, really?
04:05Yep.
04:06A jumping castle for hire parties and fates.
04:11465 Bounder Road, 7th Street.
04:13Oh, you're getting closer, Cal.
04:15Why don't you try Googling your mum, Sharon?
04:18Actually, that's a really good idea, Mrs. D.
04:20I might try that.
04:22Hmm.
04:22Is she in here?
04:23Yeah, she's in the good room,
04:24glued to that dreadful border security.
04:26Virgil hay, that's the wine I need.
04:29Have a scissors.
04:29You can do a thing called a DNA test
04:31here to see if you have any blue blood.
04:33Sounds interesting, doesn't it?
04:37Hi, Kim.
04:39Mum, we should get a flagpole out the front
04:41like everyone else.
04:42What?
04:42Aren't you proud to be Australian?
04:44Yes, of course I'm proud to be Australian.
04:46I just don't think we should bang on about it, that's all.
04:48Well, I think we should
04:49when our very way of life is under-threatened.
04:52Kim, you're beginning to sound like a Nazi.
04:54Oh, me a Nazi?
04:55You're the Nazi?
04:56Well, yes, I am a style Nazi, but that's about as far as it goes.
05:00I mean, we are threatened by illegal aliens?
05:03Past aliens?
05:05Good, Kim.
05:06Thrain me up, Scotty.
05:14What's wrong now?
05:16Oh, you know, just watching you and your mum fighting.
05:21So nice.
05:23I think I will contact my mum in England.
05:26Well, why would she want to see you?
05:28I mean, she's probably got a whole new family by now
05:29and hasn't thought about you for years.
05:32That is so mean!
05:34You don't know that, Kim!
05:36Anyway, even if she does have another whole new family,
05:39I'm sure if she saw me, she would love me.
05:42Oh, are you?
05:43Well, I wouldn't be too happy, self.
05:44Anyway, can you be quiet?
05:45This is actually important.
05:48Are these your bananas?
05:55Hmm?
05:56A quantitative surveyor?
05:58Is that different, is it?
06:00Yeah, all right.
06:02Well, 1783, yeah.
06:03Look, Cal, I really got to go.
06:05Okay, doll.
06:06Bye.
06:12What's that on your face, Kim?
06:14It's the Aussie flag.
06:16Oh, stupid girl putting a flag on your face.
06:19It's not even Australian or New Zealand.
06:24Guess what?
06:25He found your mum.
06:26No, not yet.
06:27But guess what?
06:28I have found out that I have got a sister.
06:31Oh, my God.
06:32I know.
06:33Sharon, that's exciting.
06:34I know, I know.
06:35And apparently she's absolutely gorgeous.
06:37Oh.
06:38So no family resemblance, then?
06:40No, Kim.
06:41She is a model and she sounds very nice.
06:44Oh.
06:44But the best part is, she's coming to Melbourne.
06:47When?
06:48What?
06:48You will not believe it.
06:50Tomorrow.
06:51Oh, you're kidding me.
06:52Oh, that's surreal.
06:53I don't believe it.
06:54I know.
06:55It is Mr. B, Mrs. D.
06:56She's been working in Sydney and then she's going to be transiting through Melbourne just
06:59for the day on route to South Mole Island.
07:01South Mole?
07:02Oh, that's right.
07:04Virgin's re-routing itself through Tuller now.
07:06So anyway, I said that I would meet her at the airport and, you know, show around for
07:08the day.
07:09Oh, that's right.
07:10I'm so nervous.
07:13Kim?
07:15Yes, Sharon?
07:16Would you please come to the airport with me?
07:19You know, hold my hand, sort of?
07:21Oh, yuck, as if.
07:22Oh, go on, Kim.
07:25All right, Sharon, I'll come.
07:26Only because I want to see who's actually coming into this country.
07:33I've done six generations of the Queensland branch and this is the Adelaide branch.
07:38It's mind-numbing, isn't it, Pris?
07:39Sure is.
07:40I'm still researching.
07:41This is the Melbourne branch now.
07:42Oh, have a look at this.
07:43Just down there.
07:44Now, it won't take long.
07:45I'd better go.
07:46I promise that they get to the park.
07:48Oh, okay.
07:49Yeah, no worries.
07:50Take her down the park.
07:53You like her having it, aren't you?
07:54She's like a little twig on your family tree, isn't she?
07:57Oh, it's your family tree stops with you, doesn't it?
07:59Kill no kids.
08:00Oh, you're no twigs.
08:01I guess I'm just an old dead thump in the middle of the garden, aren't I?
08:04Oh, no.
08:05Yeah.
08:06Well, that am I, you know.
08:08Quite like it, somewhere for the birds to come and sit, you know.
08:10Yeah.
08:11Anyway, better go to the footy yet, sir.
08:13Yeah.
08:13Keep the footy.
08:14That great stuff.
08:15Yeah.
08:34What are you doing?
08:35Oh, you know, with all this talk about families, et cetera, et cetera, I remembered about all
08:40these old photos I've got.
08:42Gee.
08:43She's a bit of an old-fashioned fox, is that?
08:46Oh, yeah.
08:47That's my great, great, great Aunt Bart.
08:50Oh, gee, she's got a mean little mug.
08:55I don't know who that is.
08:57Look at this one, Kel.
08:58This is the old family station up in the Northern Territory.
09:02Who's the Aboriginal lady?
09:05Where?
09:06There.
09:07Oh, no, Kel, that's my great, great grandmother, Agnes.
09:10Everyone calls her mum.
09:11She's not Aboriginal.
09:13I think she is, Kat.
09:15Oh, do you think?
09:16Yeah.
09:17Gee, that doesn't mean I've had some curry in me.
09:20Well, you might have.
09:22Why don't you get a DNA test, then, Doc?
09:24I'll do it in a day.
09:34Yeah.
09:39Is that her?
09:40Oh, Karen.
09:41Going the wrong way.
09:44Oh, my God, Tim.
09:45I think it's going to be her.
09:58Oh.
10:03Hello.
10:04It's me, Karen.
10:06Oh, Sharon, I knew you'd be pretty.
10:08Oh, no, Karen, I'm not Sharon.
10:10That's Sharon.
10:11Karen.
10:11Oh, hello.
10:13Um, I brought you a koala.
10:14Oh, I don't like it.
10:16Put it down.
10:17Now, get rid of it.
10:17Oh, it's a blousey.
10:19I thought it was a real one.
10:20Oh, it's a blousey.
10:21I still don't like it.
10:23Um.
10:25Oh, Karen, you're my sister.
10:28Half?
10:29Yeah, though, I can't see the family resemblance.
10:31Oh, I think I look more like her.
10:33Phone nails.
10:34Oh, snap.
10:34I just love your green and gold.
10:36Aussie, Aussie, Aussie.
10:37Oi, oi, oi.
10:39Oh, my God, you've got a Louise Vuitton roll on.
10:42Yeah, I've got it in Dubai Airport.
10:43Oh, the beauty free.
10:44Oh, Sharon, is it?
10:45You couldn't take my trolley, could you?
10:47You know, I would, but nails.
10:48Anyway, there's a very funny story.
10:52Oh, I'm not saying you do it.
11:04I want to meet them.
11:06We'll see.
11:06First, we're going to treat you to the ultimate Melbourne experience.
11:10Dust potato at Fountain Gate,
11:11and then we're going to hit Alana Hill.
11:13Hit who.
11:14But I'll tell you what I thought we'd want to do, girls.
11:16I want to snog an Aussie guy.
11:20Me too.
11:21We are definitely sisters.
11:24Oh.
11:33Right, so I need a piece of hair, nails, and the swab.
11:41So, my great-great-grandmother, Agnes,
11:45could have been the forebaten subject.
11:47Wow.
11:48So I could actually have Aboriginal blood.
11:52Well, it makes sense, with my curly hair and all,
11:55even though it is a perm.
11:57I wonder what my tribe is.
11:59I wonder who my mob is.
12:01Four pieces of raw tea and the muscle man tea.
12:06And it's from over them.
12:07Do some over them.
12:09Sorry about all the illegal immigrants, Karen.
12:11They are not illegal, Kim.
12:14Yeah, well, they bloody well should be.
12:15There's nothing compared to back home.
12:18A lot of them don't even try and talk English, Trotter.
12:20Their accents are all thick, and also...
12:25I've got a new ride to this thing.
12:28Ooh.
12:29Like a snoggy...
12:30Ooh, tasty.
12:33So, you are a model, Karen?
12:35Oh, yeah, plus-14 catalogue model, you know,
12:38for magazines, mostly.
12:40Wow.
12:40Mm.
12:41What sort of magazines?
12:43Oh, the biggies.
12:44Yeah, Patnopolitan, Marifax, Factory Fair.
12:48Yeah, yeah.
12:49I like a lot in America,
12:50as I'm actually considered thin there.
12:54Maybe I could do that, you know.
12:56Be a model.
12:57I hope so, Sharon.
12:58You do need to be pretty.
13:00I like it tragic, Sharon.
13:02She's delusional.
13:28Gee, I'm loving the look of these traditional recipes.
13:31They're a bit fiddly for me.
13:33Oh, fiddly's fine for me.
13:34No, I'll take that.
13:37Gee, I'd kill for a Jarrah Vienna.
13:40There's a Busstucker Cafe next door.
13:42Oh!
13:42You can get a Jarrah Pitch and Jarrah.
13:44Oh, really?
13:46No, I'm not exactly.
13:48Oh.
13:49It's a nice idea, though.
13:59Oh, wow.
14:00What's this list called, Stephen?
14:02Koala list.
14:03Oh.
14:03A bit more like a possum.
14:07And, Stephen, would you...
14:08I normally have to go topless for this because I don't mind.
14:12Oh.
14:13Oh.
14:13It's a very big guy.
14:17You can't deal with it.
14:20You can't deal with it.
14:22You can't deal with it.
14:23You can't deal with it.
14:27You can't deal with it.
14:27You can't deal with it.
14:31You can't deal with it.
14:32Well, it's amazing crazy.
14:34Where's that from?
14:35Is that from Armand Gland?
14:36No.
14:37Hello, darling.
14:40I want you to let yourself go.
14:42And I want you to respond any way you'd like to.
14:46And feel the music.
14:49I want to see the essence of Kath.
14:52Okay?
14:54Right.
15:08Stop.
15:20I've seen enough.
15:21I have to say, Stephen, I'm a huge fan of the Bangara Dance Company.
15:26Well, now you've seen the chop.
15:27Do you think there's any chance for a lead for me soon?
15:30No.
15:30I'll keep you in mind, yeah?
15:32Oh.
15:36So I actually have a lot of different looks for my modeling.
15:39For instance, we've got Kathy Zeta.
15:41Oh, wow.
15:43See?
15:43Yeah, we've got Irma Thuman.
15:45Oh.
15:45See?
15:46And my favorite, J-Lo Lopez.
15:50Oh, my God.
15:51You look exactly like her.
15:53I do.
15:54I do.
15:54She said the same thing herself.
15:56And look how snogable I look.
15:57Karen, you might want to wax your welcome mat.
16:00It's creeping right up your back.
16:02I don't have a welcome mat, actually.
16:03Do I, Kim?
16:04Ignore it, Karen.
16:06Sharon's got a huge, mean streak.
16:08Kim?
16:09I do not.
16:11So, um, Karen?
16:13Yes?
16:14Does Mum ever mention me?
16:15No.
16:16Never said nothing about you.
16:18I've never even known you existed till now.
16:21What's Mum like?
16:22Oh, she's lovely.
16:23Yeah, we're very close.
16:25Well, she don'ts on me.
16:26I'm a princess.
16:27Yeah, she baths me anything I want.
16:29Well, I've always had the best of everything.
16:31Pony club, holidays in Arby's, you name it, Sharon.
16:34Karen, try this on.
16:36I can't believe it.
16:37I do not believe this.
16:38We are exactly the same side.
16:41I'm coming to the bathroom.
16:42I want a tongue in here.
16:43I can't believe it.
16:45No, I can't believe it.
16:45I've never had an idea.
16:46I've never had an idea.
16:46I've never had an idea.
16:48Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, come on.
16:50Let's go over there.
16:51Let's go over there.
16:51Let's go over there.
16:57What are you doing, Mrs. D?
16:59I'm just doing the dot painting, Sharon.
17:03Are you all right now?
17:05Where's Karen?
17:07Oh, upstairs with Kim.
17:09She's just not very nice to me.
17:11Yeah, I know what you mean.
17:12She struck me as though you could be the B and the A.
17:15Oh.
17:17Can I have a biscuit?
17:18Oh, yeah, see Kim.
17:19She bought that.
17:20Yeah.
17:22She hasn't really turned out the way I imagined you, Mrs. D.
17:24No.
17:25Well, that's family, Sharon.
17:27I mean, you can't choose them.
17:28Well, actually, you can.
17:31Because I have chosen you and Kim.
17:33Oh.
17:33You are my real family.
17:35This is where the love is.
17:37Sharon!
17:38You bloody ape!
17:39That was my last low-key ice squash fly.
17:42You never know.
17:43Oh, you never know.
17:44No, no, no, no, no.
17:45You're my son, you're my son.
17:47No, no, no, no.
17:47No, no, no.
17:48No, no, no.
17:48No, no, no.
17:49No, no, no.
17:49No, no, no.
17:49No, no, no.
17:49Now, Kenny, look at me, please.
17:54Karen, look at me.
17:56Now, Karen, look at me, please.
17:58Look at me.
18:02Now, I've got one thing to say to you.
18:04What do you think of Melbourne?
18:05It's all right.
18:07Now, we've never got to meet no one famous, you know, like Keith Urban.
18:11Oh, we've got Keith Urban's doppelganger right here.
18:14Hi, Kel.
18:15Kel, this is Karen, Sharon's half-sister from England.
18:18Well, I'd better meet you, Karen.
18:20Oh.
18:20When's the baby due?
18:22I'm not pregnant, Keith.
18:24Oh, what?
18:25No.
18:26Thank you, Karen.
18:26I certainly hope I am.
18:29Come on, Karen.
18:29We'd better head you to the airport.
18:30We don't want you to miss your flight.
18:32Well, goodbye, Karen.
18:33Nice to meet you.
18:35Now, I'll never get to snog an Aussie hunk.
18:37Hello.
18:38Oh, maybe I'll spoke to you soon.
18:40What's your name, Gorgeous?
18:41Oh, Karen, this is my husband, Brett.
18:43Brett, this is Karen, Sharon's half-sister.
18:45Hi, Karen.
18:55I've got the DNA results.
18:57I picked them up from the lab.
18:58Oh, gee, that was quick, Kel.
19:08Kim, who's ready?
19:09Down here.
19:11Oh, Karen left one of her wigs.
19:14She was great.
19:16I love English people.
19:17They're so classy.
19:18You know, you can really see when you meet someone like her where we come from.
19:22Oh, speaking of where we come from, Kim, I found out some very exciting news today.
19:27I've discovered that I'm a person of colour.
19:29An aborigin-y.
19:30And therefore, Kim, so are you.
19:32What?
19:32What are you saying?
19:33I'm saying, Kim, that you and I are a couple of black sellers.
19:37Well, aboriginal.
19:38Are you kidding?
19:39Well, you better get used to it.
19:40I think it's fantastic.
19:42Wow, to think that I've got roots here that are a thousand years old.
19:46Those explains a lot.
19:47Why I look so good in Kathy Freeman's running, too.
19:49Yeah, well, all right, Kathy.
19:50You can put down your magazine, please, and eat.
19:52It's delicious.
19:53It's an e-new volubon with a green ant couture.
19:58Kel, what did Mum say?
20:00I've just been back 20 generations in the Knight family,
20:02and I couldn't find one noble person in the history of the Knights.
20:06Kel, well, how can that be, love, when you're so darn interesting?
20:10Am I, Kath?
20:11Well, I just don't know.
20:13Oh, Kel.
20:14Well, what about on your mum's side of the family?
20:16Have you looked there?
20:17What was your mum's name?
20:19Beryl Aniston.
20:21Adiston?
20:22You mean as in Jennifer?
20:25Well, you know, now you say it, I can see a resemblance.
20:28So can I.
20:30Here, put this wig on.
20:35Oh, my God, Mum.
20:37Look at this.
20:41Same nose?
20:43Yes?
20:43Same chin?
20:44Oh.
20:45Well, Kel, there's your blue blood.
20:46I mean, Jennifer Aniston, that's shame is royalty.
20:50We should go to LA and look her up.
20:51Yes.
20:52Oh, why not?
20:52We could say in her Hollywood mansion.
20:55Oh, wow.
20:57Why don't you want to meet Brad Pitt?
20:58No, no, no.
20:59She's divorced from Brad Pitt.
21:01She's just been born now.
21:02Actually, I think they've broken up too.
21:05I tell you, Kim, those DNA tests are really amazing.
21:08The things I found out about my ancestors' roots, oh, they got around.
21:11You know, and no wonder I love orange and I'm so good at making chicken feet, because part
21:16of me is mandarins.
21:18Well, so now I'm Chinese.
21:20Oh, that leaves no one else to bag.
21:22Except maybe the Muslims.
21:24No, no, no, no, because your great-great-grandfather on your dad's side is actually a Malaysian Islamite.
21:29Yeah, he was one of the koala lump and bang bangs.
21:32On dad's side?
21:33Yeah.
21:34How can they find that out from your DNA?
21:35Oh, it's amazing the things they can tell you.
21:38Yeah.
21:40Anyway, so, has Sharon heard from Karen?
21:42No.
21:44It's interesting, though.
21:45You know, she was gorgeous to my face, but I actually caught her going through my makeup
21:49trying to nick my Napoleon Pertus.
21:51It really taught me that, you know, maybe some white people aren't very nice either.
21:56Yeah.
21:56I don't even think she's a model.
21:58Oh, no, she is.
21:59Because I think she is all over the Maori set this week.
22:01Oh.
22:12Fantastic.
22:13Thanks a lot.
22:13I bet these pictures are...