- 2 days ago
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00:02Hi! This is me. This is my camera. This is detox. I'm two weeks in and I've got just got
00:12the one
00:12week, one week to go. Lost quite a lot of weight already. Being a little, you know, spaced, a little
00:19spaced. But I've got a little thinner. Have a look at this, have a look at this. Have a look
00:23at body,
00:24body, body thinner. There, my body a bit thinner. But I'm going to show you the before, the before,
00:34so you can see the before, what I was like before. Hang on. Here we go. Here's my before.
00:40It's all there. It's all there. It's all there in the before. Let me see how to do that.
00:47There we go. Have a look and see what that looks like. This is better. Didn't like that last day
00:51one.
00:51This is day one. This is where it'll start. This is better. Day one. I've been keeping a diary of
01:08my
01:08progress, so we'll see how it goes. And it all started the night before, the day you've just seen,
01:14day one, on a girl's night out. Which is every night, frankly, because no one's ever got a man.
01:20Look at these men here. Look at these. Some of these are successful men. Look at the women they chew.
01:24Carers. Costesses not wives. Darling's a successful man, and let's face it, they're the only attractive
01:29ones. Does not want a successful wife. Not what they want. Even a successful woman needs a wife.
01:34Someone to be there for them. What are these? Trophy wives. Trophy wives. Women just filter the world for
01:40them. So it's a sort of complete mystery. Ones that choose the tie and hide things around the house.
01:45So only they know where they are, darling. I've done that. Yeah. See, all the ones I hate,
01:50the ones at parties. You know, you go to a party, you want to meet the man. No, no. She's
01:54got to come
01:54and speak to you first and take you over to him. Oh, come and meet him. He adores you, you
01:58know.
01:58He does sound like some very good friends of mine. I think it makes a man feel cherished.
02:01It's not a cherished. It's just manipulating the world. So it's a complete bloody mystery to him.
02:07You know? And she's the only person that'll ever understand this extraordinarily complicated
02:12menu that she has written.
02:13Simple. And then before you know it, they're all film producers.
02:16Darling, it's no mystery. Come on, Eddie, tuck in. Come on, sweetheart.
02:19It's no mystery. It's two winners don't get on. It just doesn't work. I mean, it's the same
02:24in all relationships. If you were two racehorses in a stable together, they'd kick the shit out
02:28of each other. Tom and Nicole, Bruce and Demi. Liam and Noel. Disaster. What a racehorse
02:34wants is a donkey, a little donkey, a goat, a little companion. It's the same in all relationships.
02:45You see, just a little glib phrase that passes like that. But you see, why didn't I feel good
02:50enough about myself to think that I could be the racehorse? I think I'm the donkey. I don't
02:54want to be the donkey. I don't want to be the fat donkey. I want to be the racehorse.
02:58I suppose it's not beyond the realms of possibility for two donkeys to get on.
03:05I think you're horrid because if you perceive others as failures, it makes you feel better
03:09about yourself. Well, Bob. Nonsense. It's just your magazine's. No, no, no. I wrote about it in
03:15an article. In a magazine? You have no idea of the pressures I've been under. You've done
03:21sag an angel on the pinhead of success for so long. And the moment you're out of the spotlight
03:25for a microsecond, they cut you down. But I think you'll find I was always very generous
03:30in my professional life. You ask people who worked with me.
03:41And then you'll drop the jargon. Horrible. Well, everyone has their clutches. Security blankets.
03:50Being mean is yours? I've got one of those by my cooker. No, no. That's a fire blanket. Oh, right.
03:56Oh, exactly. I mean, not everybody has them. I haven't got one.
04:03Oh, don't worry, Eddie. What are you talking about? What? What?
04:07You're fat. Fat.
04:11Surely you can see that? We certainly can't miss it.
04:16Now, what's yours, Patsy? Well, some of yours. What? What? It's your fridge.
04:21Oh, the six-six warlock. Now, put it back. Let's see what you look like under there.
04:26No, no, no. Come on. Oh, no, no, don't. No, no, no.
04:30Save Patsy.
04:34Do you know, these things can't be taken too quickly.
04:38At least you can pin your fringe back, whereas you can't pin your fat back.
04:48Epiphany.
04:49So, that was the kickstart. I wanted to fit in those stalls with the racehorses.
04:53So, I decided to reinvent myself, restound myself, all right?
04:57The new, svelte, tan, smooth, luggage-less me.
05:01I mean, there was something about it. I don't know what it was. There was just something about that word.
05:06Detox. Yes, I wanted detox.
05:08It's just another fad. I agree.
05:10No one diets anymore. You're not fat. You're just full of toxins.
05:13Yes, I knew that. Just full of poison.
05:15Well, that's not news.
05:18Now, look, this is my book.
05:21Work upside down. Plenty of practice with Blue Peter.
05:25Now, it's basically just eat meat and drink water until you need a B12.
05:29Drink water.
05:30So, no more booze.
05:32What are you going to do about exercise?
05:33Well, no one's going to the gym anymore. So, I want to do the one that's, you know, what's that
05:36one?
05:37Oh, hey.
05:51Boot camp.
05:51Yes, military fitness.
05:52Military fitness.
05:53Mum, this is madness.
05:55Darling, this is my life.
05:56In three weeks' time, I want to be on the cusp of organ failure.
05:59Good for you.
06:01I want my body just to be a relief map of veins.
06:05I want to be an X-ray with a pulse.
06:07Even your cells can't eat that fast.
06:09Oh, Eddie, we hate these women.
06:11Do we?
06:12Yeah, you don't want to be one of those.
06:13It's like you've shoved your tits into a pencil shop.
06:17It's all right for you.
06:18You don't understand.
06:19You've always looked like that.
06:20You're probably like me, aren't you, Patsy?
06:22I mean, sometimes I just forget to eat.
06:26Patsy hasn't eaten since 1974.
06:30Well, it was that crisp.
06:33Poor old Patsy.
06:34She couldn't keep anything down.
06:36No.
06:36She lost most of her back teeth to stomach acid.
06:39At least I didn't drink my own piddle.
06:42That was a very mean trick.
06:44I hope that was my piddle.
06:47I know, you're right.
06:48I've done every diet.
06:49I've done the hay diet, the cabbage diet,
06:51I've done the blood group diet.
06:52You know, you have to eat the food
06:53that your ancestors would have gathered.
06:56My ancestors were whale gatherers, thanks to you.
06:59I've done combining.
07:01Combining food with alcohol.
07:03Three good meals a day is what you should stick to.
07:06Three good meals a day.
07:10And then they had sex.
07:11Hey, that's a good scene for you.
07:14Eddie, you know, your stomach's like a dog
07:15that doesn't know when it's going to be fed next,
07:17so it just hangs around until you want to kick it.
07:23Well, that is it.
07:25I am going to do this.
07:27I am going to get thin.
07:29Witness, witness, witness, witness.
07:30Come on, come on, come on, come on.
07:33Let's go.
07:34All right, three bad meals.
07:35Three bad meals, come on.
07:36Here we go.
07:37Three bad meals.
07:38Up in the air.
07:39Come on, first, start and jump.
07:40Come on.
07:40Come on, first, start and jump.
07:42Come on, that's important.
07:43Come on, come on, come on, come on.
07:44Come on, you'll never get there.
07:49You will never get there.
07:51I can't do it, I can't do it.
07:54Up you go on, well done.
07:55Down you go.
07:56Good start.
07:57Come on, let's move on.
07:58Down you go.
07:59Hand on the bar, chest to the bar.
08:02Down and up and down and up.
08:05One more, come on, down you go.
08:06One more, up and up.
08:08Okay, concentrate, concentrate.
08:09Yeah, come on, third time,è²´æ–¹.
08:38Good for you, Mum.
08:41You've changed your tune, darling.
08:43You know, I want to be thin.
08:45I'm going to be thin. I'm going to do thin things, you know.
08:48I want to be sort of Jerry Bendy.
08:51I sort of become a hip-hang-in, you know.
08:53I just once like to take my clothes off and not be marked by them.
09:00I never thought it worried you.
09:01Oh, yeah, 90% of awake time and 100% of sleep time, darling.
09:04I worry about it.
09:05Oh, Eddie, you look fine.
09:06I mean, you dress like a fat billboard.
09:09I know what I look like.
09:10Is that the reason you wear labels, so the designer takes the blame?
09:13Oh, cool, cool, cool.
09:15Didn't take a genius to figure that one out, darling, did it?
09:18D-K-N-Y bosoms, not mine.
09:21Dolce & Gabana fat thighs, not mine.
09:24Oh, Eddie, this is no fun.
09:26It's no fun, darling, but it's dieting.
09:28I have to diet.
09:29I must think about it.
09:30Dieting.
09:33What are you doing today, darling, when I'm dieting?
09:35Well, I met an old school friend, so he's coming around later.
09:38I met him at the Royal Court because I've finished my play, and they might be doing it as a
09:43workshop in the studio.
09:48Well, listen, if he's at all good-looking, I have sex with him because I'm worried your business is going
09:52to heal over.
09:58Hey, how are you?
09:59Fantastic.
10:00Wow.
10:01Like it?
10:03I cannot believe, I cannot believe that we met like that.
10:06Oh, I knew it was you immediately.
10:07You haven't changed at all.
10:08Neither of you.
10:14Wow.
10:15Very nice.
10:17So, what side of the business did you say you were on again?
10:19Oh, I'm a writer.
10:21Well, I wrote something for the Edinburgh, yeah, piece last year.
10:24And, well, the Royal Court are really interested, so they kind of want to workshop it.
10:28Well, it's a piece about kind of social struggle and sort of, I don't know.
10:32Sorry, you are a writer, so...
10:33Yeah.
10:34Yeah.
10:34Hey, I'm an actor.
10:35Bear me in mind.
10:37Great.
10:38So, what are you working on at the moment?
10:41Were we in the same class at school?
10:43Because I thought...
10:44Same year, yeah.
10:44Yeah.
10:45Yeah.
10:45You're the one that had to sit next to me in maths.
10:48Hey, maths.
10:49I love it.
10:49Yeah.
10:49Yeah, of course.
10:52Anyway, what did you say you did again?
10:55Oh, yeah.
10:56Well, you know, my agent's being very protective at the moment, not really letting me take stuff
11:00in case it interferes with the big plans.
11:04Which is?
11:04Uh, you know, movies, L.A., whatever.
11:11Meanwhile, Patsy was experimenting with the possibility of hairstyle variety.
11:14Great.
11:16Oh, that's me.
11:17Thanks.
11:19You look nice.
11:21What?
11:21What?
11:22I don't know how they can get people to go to those parties.
11:27It's cocaine.
11:28Lines inside means lines outside.
11:32Oh, I don't know if I was a genius.
11:41Possibly eight.
11:47Yeah, and I said, I said, what's that sound?
11:49And he said, that, Taylor, is the sound of doors opening.
11:52And, you know, I've been, you know, knee-deep in scripts ever since.
11:57So, yeah, but you're so right.
11:58You know, relationships suffer.
12:00You must know you're a writer, you know, on two-way traffic.
12:02Have you got a girlfriend?
12:04Ooh, ex-girlfriend, yeah.
12:06Uh, singer-dancer Shayla Kidron?
12:09No.
12:09Just an Alive Express?
12:11No.
12:13Are they you?
12:14Yeah.
12:15No, I don't.
12:15May I?
12:16Oh, yes, please.
12:17Yeah, sorry.
12:19Hmm.
12:20Anyway, just, uh, a couple for later.
12:27Race, horse, and donkey, you see, this is the thing.
12:29It's a glib phrase, but race, horse, and donkey.
12:30Race, horse, and donkey.
12:32Once you've figured it out, the whole world makes sense.
12:34Yes, I know.
12:36Well, I'm telling you now, he's an absolute stud.
12:40Bye.
12:41Candy.
12:41Darling, how are you doing?
12:43Fine, you?
12:43Very good.
12:44The Daily Express has got some pics of that pool boy sucking my tits in St Lucia.
12:49Winston?
12:49Oh, yeah.
12:50Oh, lovely.
12:52Do you want a, do you want a lunch or something?
12:55No, I can't.
12:55I'm eating an old-school friend.
12:58Minch!
12:58Candy!
13:01Oh, darling, don't worry.
13:02I've got it covered.
13:08I've come to Auntie Minch's.
13:11Yeah, and the, uh, the snail had his own trailer, so...
13:17What snail?
13:18The snail had his own trailer, yeah?
13:19In the dock, the, uh, the doctor.
13:22Doctor Who?
13:23No, no.
13:24No, Doolittle.
13:25Doctor Doolittle.
13:26Oh.
13:28I toured in it, yeah.
13:29Oh, some terrific numbers in that, really.
13:30Did you see it?
13:31Oh, wow, no.
13:32Oh, terrific, really.
13:33Put me on the map, yeah.
13:34Talk to the anim...
13:35Showstopper.
13:37Stop the show.
13:38Well, if you don't count the snail, obviously there's some big rounds for the snail, but...
13:41Well, giant snail, so, you know, big, uh, big bastard.
13:45But, uh, the animals, the lovely and beautifully crafted animatronics, just...
13:51Um, look, Taylor, um, sorry, the time, I've got to write and...
13:54Well, absolutely, yep, yep, I'm with you.
13:56Let's, uh, let's make like sheep and get the flock out of here.
14:00Actually, it's in my...
14:00Yeah.
14:01Could I just very quickly borrow your phone?
14:03Oh, yeah, of course.
14:04Yeah, great.
14:04Call a cab.
14:05Yeah, no, actually, I just want to, uh, ring LA.
14:06Go into LA next week.
14:07I just want to, uh, page myself in a restaurant.
14:10Um, get on the wire before I'm out there, that kind of thing.
14:17Well done.
14:18Battery's gone.
14:19I'm off.
14:20I've got dinner with Carol Vorderman.
14:22Listen, you did really brilliant today.
14:23Yeah.
14:24Night-night, darling.
14:26Oh, God.
14:28Oh, I fell to it.
14:38Oh, Eddie!
14:39Oh, hi, darling.
14:42Yeah, you need a drink, darling.
14:44I know, I know you're doing all right.
14:45No, I'm all right, sweetie.
14:46How are you doing?
14:47How are you doing with this?
14:48I'm doing all right.
14:48I'm doing all right.
14:48Eddie, what's the point of this?
14:50Let's go and have some fun.
14:51Do it, sweetheart.
14:52Oh, darling.
14:52Just one little drink downstairs.
14:54No, no, you go ahead.
14:54You go ahead.
14:55It was very nice meeting you again.
14:57Yeah, absolutely great.
14:58And, uh, you know, bear me in mind with the writing.
15:03Oh, I say, do you care to share a cab with me somewhere?
15:07Hey, absolutely not.
15:21Oh, I must eat.
15:23I must eat.
15:24I want to add something.
15:27Oh, I must eat.
15:30Something.
15:40Just calm.
15:41Just relax.
15:42Just stay.
15:43Oh, no.
15:45Think about your hip bone.
15:46Think about your hip bone.
15:46Oh, it's a hip bone.
15:48It was my hip bone gone.
15:49It was here.
15:50It was here.
15:51It was what was happening to my hip bone.
15:54Oh, God.
15:57You gave me epiphany, and now you have forsaken me.
15:59The morning set touched lightly on the eyes of Lucy Jordan, in a white suburban bedroom, in a white suburban
16:14town.
16:15And she lay there beneath the cup, dreaming of a thousand loves, till the world turned to autumn, and the
16:27road went spinning round.
16:32At the age of 47, she realized she'd never ride the barrens in a sports car with the warm weather
16:45that I had.
17:02I must say, you're doing rather well, darling.
17:08I never thought you had it in you.
17:10I'm singing this for you, because I know you like it.
17:17Of course, you started that.
17:21Oh, Patsy's one of mine.
17:22What do you mean, anyway?
17:23This one is with me.
17:26Did you suggest this diet?
17:27It's not a diet.
17:29It's a detox.
17:31Why do you keep coming up with these things?
17:33It plays on their vanity, and I gave them that.
17:36No, you gave them self-hatred.
17:38Oh, whatever.
17:39They love a diet.
17:40In the world of self-loathing, the Barbie doll reigns supreme.
17:45Oh, don't get it, Harry. It's a shallow world now.
17:48I know. Nothing can develop anymore.
17:52I just want freshly popped fetus bodies and sex doll faces.
17:57I mean, look at the art.
18:00Oh, do stop.
18:01This is a world where Carol Forderman is a sex symbol,
18:04and Saint-Tropez is a bottle of fake tan. I love it.
18:08They won't have any use for you and me soon.
18:11Oh, frankly, I'm bored anyway.
18:13What's the point of me if I'm acceptable?
18:15In China, they're putting girl babies in dustbins as a matter of routine.
18:20Now who's getting heavy?
18:22It's so not 2001.
18:25I just wish everybody could love each other.
18:28That was such an attractive idea.
18:32Hmm. Fancy a drink or something?
18:38Have you ever cut your fringe?
18:40Have you?
18:41I will if you will.
18:43No, I will if you will.
18:44No.
18:52No, no.
18:53No.
18:54No.
18:57No.
19:00No.
19:03No.
19:05Oh, you know.
19:06I need food.
19:07Food.
19:09Oh, darling.
19:10Oh, darling.
19:10I nearly died last night, darling.
19:11In fact, I think I'm pretty close to death now.
19:17Mum, you're not.
19:18Well, how do you know?
19:19Because I'm looking at you and you look fine.
19:21Oh, yeah, you look fine.
19:22I know what that means. That means I still look fat.
19:25You have lost a lot of weight. Not that that's important.
19:28I've lost a lot of weight. I've had not enough.
19:30I want to eat. You know, I want to eat. I knew this would never work.
19:33It is working. Stop being a victim and take control.
19:36I am a fat person at the end of it.
19:38Me.
19:38Me. The woman who got stuck on an eating loop in Yo's Sushi.
19:45Honestly, sweetheart, if they keep it coming round, of course I'll go.
19:53I'll get you something.
19:54What? Something? God, this is such hard work.
19:57I'll just cherry-bloody-hally well do it, Dave.
19:59I'll honestly do that.
20:00Because this is a lovely, lovely, fun, jumpy, lovely, lovely day.
20:03Lots of energy fun.
20:04I can't. This is horrible, painful, friendless grind.
20:10Welcome to my world.
20:11Welcome to the weird world.
20:15That's all right. I'm going to do it.
20:17I'm going to get a body double for life, darling.
20:19Yeah, I'm going to get what I want.
20:21I mean, they do it in the movies, don't they, sweetie?
20:23You can be the star of a film
20:24and someone else does all the body bits.
20:26That's all I want.
20:31I'm going to the fridge.
20:33Don't stop me, darling.
20:35Don't stop this.
20:36Because I'm going to the fridge, Richard.
20:39Fine.
20:40I'm not going to stop you.
20:41This is what you always do.
20:43Everyone else takes over, takes responsibility.
20:45Well, I won't.
20:46You do it and you face the consequences.
20:48To be honest, fat or thin,
20:49you are a nightmare of selfishness.
21:07Mum?
21:15Mum?
21:16You just opened the fridge
21:17without heaving your whole body.
21:21I don't know.
21:23I feel it!
21:24Oh!
21:25Look, look, look.
21:27I've got a hat on my hat, on my hat, on my hat.
21:28What?
21:29What?
21:29It's a lump.
21:30Where?
21:31A lump here.
21:32Feel that.
21:32I'm going to say...
21:33Oh!
21:35What is that?
21:36What is that?
21:37Mum, it's a muscle.
21:42What?
21:43That's a muscle.
21:44I've got a muscle.
21:45I've got a muscle.
21:47I've got a muscle.
21:48I've got a muscle.
21:50I've got a muscle.
21:51Have I got another?
21:51No, no.
21:52I've got a muscle.
21:53Feel it, darling.
21:54Feel it, feel it.
21:54Don't push it away.
21:55Don't push it.
21:56Don't push it.
21:58Bring it back.
21:58Tell me I've got a muscle.
21:59I've got a muscle.
22:00You can see it.
22:01Arty!
22:02You can see it.
22:03You can see it.
22:03I can see it.
22:04Arms up.
22:05Up around.
22:06Up around.
22:07Punch.
22:07Punch.
22:08To me.
22:08Punch.
22:09Great.
22:09Great.
22:09That is fantastic.
22:11Keep the panache in.
22:12Keep the panache in.
22:13That's it.
22:13That's it.
22:15Ah.
22:16So here I am.
22:18Minus the stoner toxin.
22:20Feeling pretty good.
22:23Sniffing the old O2 and ingesting the wheat German.
22:26About to be tanned, pummeled and scrubbed and I shall be ready to go.
22:44What do you think?
22:45Well, is that dress new?
22:48Yeah, yeah, yeah.
22:49Do you love it?
22:50It's gorgeous.
22:51Yeah?
22:52It's just that it's...
22:53What?
22:53What?
22:54Well, it's still too small.
22:56Yes.
22:57Well, that's because I'm going to get thinner.
22:58I'm going to get thinner than this.
23:00Oh, sweetheart.
23:01Darling, can I ask you something?
23:02Will you stop doing that, darling, and listen to me?
23:04Sweetheart, can I ask you something?
23:06Do you think attention can become addictive?
23:08I wouldn't want that to happen to me.
23:09Oh, darling, I wouldn't want that.
23:12Also, sweetheart, darling, darling, mum is worried about you because I don't want you
23:16to worry when they start saying she's too thin.
23:20All right?
23:20I don't want you to worry about that because it is inevitable.
23:22Now, film mumma leaving.
23:23Mum, please.
23:24Darling, film me leaving.
23:25Will you stop being so selfish and film me leaving?
23:27Come on, darling.
23:28Come on.
23:29Come on, darling.
23:31Am I in shot?
23:32Yes, you're filling the screen.
23:34Oh, okay.
23:35Well, zoom out.
23:36Zoom out.
23:36Here I come.
23:37Here I come.
23:37Ready?
23:38Ready?
23:39Here she comes, the most beautiful girl in the world.
23:44Pah!
23:44She's the right one.
23:46Oh, follow me.
23:47Follow me.
23:47She's the bright one.
23:49That's a dini.
23:50Oh, hi.
24:00I think I can just squeeze in here.
24:02Should I try?
24:03Just slightly.
24:04That's it.
24:04That's it.
24:05That's it.
24:05That's it.
24:08Oh, well done.
24:11There.
24:11I've said it.
24:12I'll throw out on my tops.
24:13Googly.
24:14Cheers.
24:14Cheers.
24:14Cheers.
24:15Cheers.
24:16Cheers.
24:16Did you lose weight?
24:17Oh.
24:18Oh, yeah.
24:18This is my first drink, actually.
24:19What's your seat?
24:20Well, the thing I think is that...
24:22No, not now, Eddie.
24:23Not now.
24:23Well done and all that.
24:24But now you've just got to get on with your life.
24:26I agree.
24:27You can't make it your life.
24:28Mm-mm.
24:29Absolutely.
24:30You know, slipping is just...
24:31It's overrated.
24:32All those reinvented ones.
24:33They get thin, they get PR, they dump their husband,
24:35and then suddenly they're found all alone
24:36with their bone stings with their cardigans.
24:38Why this body obsession?
24:39I mean, when did we get like this?
24:41It's sex.
24:42Sex.
24:43Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.
24:44But why?
24:46Well, what the word orifice help at this point in the conversation?
24:49Look, everyone wants to get screwed.
24:50There's no mystery.
24:51Well, the older ones should wear more clothes, huh?
24:53Yeah, or get pissed.
24:54Just get out of it.
24:55Then you don't have to look at what you're tupping.
24:56And this is so sex in the city, isn't it?
24:59I hate that show.
25:00Which one am I?
25:02The knife.
25:02I'm Sarah Jessica Parker.
25:04Oh!
25:08You're still too fat!
25:25This wheel shall explode!
25:42Still, it doesn't really matter to sit, darling, because, you know, fat or thin, you still love me, don't you?
25:51Darling?
25:52Saf?
25:53Saf!
25:54Saf!
25:56Biscuits to dunk!
25:57Biscuits to...
25:59What are these ones?
26:01Is it blue?
26:02Is it...
26:02I don't know.
26:03Is it...
26:03Look, Eddie, I'm trying to get sorted.
26:04I'm trying to get it's organised.
26:05What is that?
26:06A downer?
26:06What is that?
26:06I don't know.
26:07Is it label?
26:07It's not label.
26:08It's not label.
26:09It's just a...
26:10Oh, wow.
26:10It's so good.
26:12It's a bit of...
26:13Oh.
26:14Oh, yeah.
26:15Oh, wait on.
26:16Look at this.
26:17Shut the TV.
26:18Look at this.
26:18Shut the TV.
26:19Oh, oh, what?
26:19Look at that, Katie Grin.
26:21Oh.
26:21People have been doing some crazy things.
26:25I can barely hear myself.
26:27Hey!
26:30There's been bathing in baked beans, sponsored beard shaving, and someone even hopped all the way here tonight with a
26:37cake on their head.
26:39Oh, please.
26:40It looks like a German caught in a headlight.
26:42Oh, no.
26:43It's the face on the mosquito before it hits your windshield.
26:46You've managed to raise the grand total of £23.50 for the department store.
26:52Wow, wait.
26:53It hasn't been done well.
26:55So, oh, yeah.
26:56See you later in the studio around 2 a.m.
27:00Oh, boy.
27:01Bye.
27:05Can you stop hopping now?
27:08That's why you don't want to be a celebrity, Eddie.
27:10I do.
27:10No, darling.
27:11You don't want to be one of those skinny bitches who just sticks on two patches of elastoplast,
27:15a little bit of dental floss, and calls it a lie.
27:18You don't want to whack your fanny out at a friend.
27:22Just slither your tits out in the back of a taxi for the...
27:25No, they're just trash, sweetheart.
27:27They're just mag fillers.
27:28They're just recycled vomit.
27:29I mean, the whole thing is just, darling.
27:31It's just recycled snaps.
27:33They come back again and again.
27:34They just re-categorise them.
27:35Stuff them out there, arsehole vomit.
27:38You're not listening to me.
27:39You're not listening to what I'm trying to say to you.
27:44If I was going to strip...
27:45No, no.
27:46Stop, stop, stop, stop.
27:48If I was going to strip...
27:49No.
27:49No, wait.
27:51I would have to think about it very hard.
27:53I mean, I would do it for the right reasons, darling.
27:55I would.
27:55What are you talking about?
27:57Going nude for Cosmo, darling.
27:58No!
27:59Yes, darling.
28:00No, they want celebrities to go nude for Cosmo, darling.
28:04I mean, it would be very tasteful.
28:05I'd have control.
28:06Darling, there's not enough Vaseline in the world.
28:08There's not enough scrawler camera lens to make that acceptable.
28:11Oh, fuck it!
28:12I just want to be famous!
28:13Oh, darling, you just want someone to look at you sometimes.
28:16I just want them to look at me like...
28:18The person that I'm not, you know.
28:19Just once when all the juice gets out of a carton, I just...
28:26What was that?
28:29What the hell is that?
28:30Oh, Eddie.
28:31What is that?
28:32Is it...
28:33Is it a bee?
28:37Um, Kasia?
28:39Yes.
28:39You're moving your arms too much.
28:40Right, Kate.
28:41Do you really want it done as rigidly?
28:43Yes, that's how I wrote it.
28:44Ooh.
28:50I quite admire you, actually.
28:58Where is it, Eddie?
28:59Where is it?
29:02Is it a bee?
29:06Sound there, sound there.
29:07You go, you go, you go, you go, you go, you go, you go, you go, you go, you go,
29:11you go.
29:11Oh, is it here?
29:12Where is it, Sean?
29:13Eddie, Eddie, find it.
29:15Kill it.
29:17We need more drinks.
29:18Don't leave me here.
29:19Don't leave me here.
29:20Don't leave me here.
29:23Don't leave me here.
29:28Oh, it's on me.
29:35Oh, no, it's here.
29:36It's on me.
29:37Bees on me.
29:38Don't take it off me.
29:39Oh, it's on me.
29:40It's on me.
29:40It's on me.
29:41Oh, oh, oh.
29:43What is it?
29:47Oh, it's a small shoe.
29:59It's my phone.
30:00It's my phone.
30:02Phone?
30:03Hello?
30:04Phone?
30:05It's a scrunchie.
30:06It's a heavy breather.
30:07It's not heavy breather.
30:07Let me listen.
30:08It's an obscene.
30:09Is it your stalker?
30:10No, darling.
30:11The only way to deal with a stalker is to cut off his stalker.
30:13Oh, darling, no.
30:14It's not my stalker.
30:15I met my stalker.
30:16He'd got the wrong person.
30:17He was very nice.
30:17Very important.
30:19Listen.
30:19Mum.
30:21Mum.
30:22Listen to me.
30:24I have to get out of here.
30:27Help.
30:28Help.
30:28Is that Serge?
30:29Mum, are you listening?
30:31Is that my son, Serge?
30:32Is that Serge?
30:33Mum.
30:34Mum.
30:35Sir, hello, darling.
30:36Mum, Mum, Mum is here, sweetheart.
30:38Mum is here.
30:38Darling, darling, darling, you're very stoned, sweetheart.
30:40We're paranoid, you know, just hallucinating.
30:42It's a Serge.
30:43It's a Serge.
30:44Hello, darling, I'm coming.
30:45Mum is going to help you.
30:46Darling, I'm going to call the police.
30:47I'm going to call the police.
30:47Not the police, though.
30:48Not the filth.
30:49Not the pigs.
30:50Not the police.
30:51It's a police.
30:51Keep on.
30:52Keep on.
30:53Keep on.
30:55I'm changing, my agent.
30:57Really?
30:57Why?
30:58He pigeonholed me.
31:00What else?
31:02Uncastable.
31:09Um, uh, Safi, can I give you a lift?
31:12I've got my car.
31:12Maybe go for a drink?
31:14No, thank you.
31:14I've got my bicycle.
31:21I've got my car.
31:50I've got my car.
31:51the squeaky shoes, she's with the Mets, you know, the fathers, the pigs, the porkers,
31:55our friends with the talking brooches.
31:56Please, no, what's happened?
32:00That's dead.
32:03Henry on that phone, son.
32:05You've obviously had a night of it.
32:07I've had one drink.
32:09What's happened, Mum?
32:10Oh, thank God you're here. Tell them I'm not mad, sweetheart.
32:13What is it?
32:14Oh, thank you.
32:15Your mother seems to be under the impression that your brother has been kidnapped.
32:19But he has been kidnapped, has been.
32:20She received a phone call from him in which he was pleading for help.
32:23What?
32:24Yes.
32:25What, Serge?
32:26Serge, darling.
32:27Do you have any idea of your brother's whereabouts?
32:29Your mother didn't seem to.
32:30Well, just because he doesn't ring me any whole hour.
32:32I just mean I love, love, love, leave.
32:36Love me.
32:37Darling, where is he? Where is he, darling? Where is he?
32:39He's at the bottom of the Atlantic in a submarine studying plate movements.
32:43What plates? What plates?
32:44Listen, we're very busy.
32:47Why don't you just call us if you hear any more?
32:49We'll see ourselves out.
32:50Well, you've got a night shoot on the bill.
32:52What's the matter with you?
32:54See, darling, keep batting me, sweetheart.
32:56Why don't you check the last received call?
32:59Last received call.
33:01Last received call.
33:04You didn't flush everything, did you, darling?
33:15I mean, that's not a number I'd recognise.
33:18Look at this, let's see.
33:27I think my phone must have gone off by mistake.
33:29I don't think I heard, sir.
33:31Were you with Serge?
33:33I think you must have heard my rehearsals.
33:40I've written a play.
33:43What?
33:43About a play.
33:45It's, um...
33:46It's about my life, and it...
33:47It was a scene of someone playing Serge, rehearsing.
33:54Am I in it?
33:57Am I?
33:58Yes.
33:59You've written a play about me?
34:00No, it's about me.
34:02You've written a play about me, darling.
34:03Someone's doing it.
34:04You're doing a play about me.
34:05You've written a play about me.
34:06It's about me, too, sweetie.
34:14Why?
34:16You little piece of dribble piss.
34:19Mum, it's only on for a week in a very small venue.
34:23What are you so worried about?
34:24Because, darling, I know the kind of little play you will have written.
34:28It'll make mummy dearest look like Winnie the Bloody Pooh, won't it?
34:31It will be the truth.
34:32Is that what you find threatening?
34:33Your truth.
34:34Your twisted little arse-wipe truth.
34:37You'll have to stop it.
34:39No.
34:40No, I won't.
34:41Do you know why?
34:42Because I need to do this.
34:44I need to drag the poison from me.
34:46I need to get it out of my chest where I just sat for all these years.
34:49To shout it openly.
34:54I mean, for Christ's sake, darling, you're twenty-
35:01Don't you just move on, move on.
35:03You should have had her adopted.
35:05I wish you had.
35:06You tried to, and I wish you had.
35:07I used to dream of lovely families.
35:10You had a family.
35:10I lived with you and that piece of flint.
35:15You dragged me up.
35:17I glimpsed into worlds I should have known nothing about.
35:19Worlds with no morals and no responsibilities.
35:22And not just glimpsed.
35:23You took my face with your full hands and pushed it up against the window.
35:27We should have pushed it through.
35:30And I've got morals.
35:32How can you say that?
35:33You burnt and scarred my best friend.
35:36Who?
35:37Titicaca.
35:38Oh.
35:39Her name is Sarah.
35:41Darling, she was standing with her little pigtails too close to her candle.
35:46Act of God.
35:48You were holding the candle.
35:50Oh, Christ.
35:51She got a therapist on insurance.
35:53For God's sake, I am not going to feel guilty about this.
35:55No, because to do that, you'd have to go beneath the surface.
35:58And I don't think there's a drill strong enough to crack that crust.
36:00God, you are so ungrateful.
36:01You are so ungrateful.
36:03Some people, you know, think I'm pretty great.
36:09Stop this now, Eddie.
36:10It's just not important.
36:11It's not important.
36:12No, no, it's not important.
36:13Not as important as considering the future of the structured handbag.
36:16Or swing macs.
36:17Or pom-pom sweaters.
36:19Not important to a woman whose job it is to invent random adjectives for pintless clothing.
36:23Stop it, stop it, stop it.
36:27You had everything.
36:30You had everything.
36:31I never had.
36:34No, you took it.
36:36I was always alone.
36:38Mum never took me on holiday.
36:40I did.
36:41Prove it.
36:41Where are the photos?
36:42Where are any photos of me?
36:43No, we didn't have cameras in those days.
36:47God.
36:48Honestly, I bet you always want proof.
36:52We took her to the park.
36:54Yes, we took her to the park.
36:56Don't you ever, don't you ever, don't you ever, don't you ever, don't you ever, don't you ever, don't you
37:06ever, don't you ever, don't you ever, don't you ever, don't you ever, don't you ever, don't you ever, don't
37:24you ever, don't you ever, don't you ever, don't you ever, don't you ever, don't you ever, don't you ever,
37:26don't you ever, don't you ever, don't you ever, don't you ever, don't you ever, don't you ever, don't you
37:26ever, don't you ever, don't you ever, don't you ever, don't you ever, don't you ever, don't you ever, don't
37:26you ever, don't you ever, don't you ever, don't you ever, don't you ever, don't you ever, don't you ever,
37:26don't you ever, don't you ever, don't you ever, don't you ever, don
37:34My life is like a constant winter.
37:37Yeah, well, she never thawed, did she?
37:39No, a rigor mortis set in during puberty.
37:43She's so cold, I bet she has her periods in cubes.
37:48Mum, I'm not doing this because I hate you.
37:50I only want to be loved.
37:51You want, darling, so do I.
37:54There you are, Patsy.
37:55I wonder if you could help me.
37:57I need a strong pair of hands.
37:59I've got a wardrobe stuck on the stairs.
38:01Sure, Mrs. M.
38:02Oh, thank you, dear.
38:03I'm giving it to sheltered housing.
38:07Do you know, Mum, I loved you, darling.
38:09You were never here.
38:11Have I got you a nanny?
38:13No.
38:14I always had to look after myself.
38:17You've done a very good job, darling.
38:21Darling.
38:23Darling, will you answer Mum a question, darling?
38:25Very serious question, darling.
38:27And I want you to be honest with me.
38:29All right?
38:30Even though you think it might hurt me, you've got to say.
38:33All right, darling?
38:36How fat is the woman playing me?
38:42Mum.
38:43Mum.
38:44I mean, in this whole world, there will never be anyone as fat as you.
38:53I'm not.
38:58And, Dad.
38:58I mean...
39:00Thanks, thanks.
39:01And, Dad.
39:02Yeah?
39:03Mum knows.
39:04Oh, my God.
39:05How?
39:06When?
39:07I mean, I shouldn't be here.
39:08I'd have to go...
39:08Please, that's all right.
39:09No, no, cancel everything.
39:10I'll pay the actors.
39:10Oh, Mrs. Please, look.
39:11I really need your support on this.
39:24Just in.
39:27That's...
39:31And I don't know anything about it.
39:33Oh, no, Gran.
39:35Mum knows now.
39:36Knows what, dear?
39:40About the play.
39:41What play, dear?
39:44Oh, Dad, stop worrying.
39:45There's nothing she can do.
39:46Are you all right?
39:46I'm sure she's not as bad as you make out.
39:49Why don't you just cut some of the scenes?
39:51No, Dad.
39:52I'll give you some money.
39:53We've got to kill this play.
39:55Come on, how would I normally insure a flop?
39:57Promote it.
39:58Relative.
39:59Why bother, Eddie?
40:00Look, it's only theatre.
40:01It's only rows of people sitting in the dark,
40:02facing in the same direction,
40:03not enjoying themselves, darling.
40:05It's just not important.
40:06It's not important.
40:06Oh, you'll have to write something.
40:07Write something in the papers about her.
40:09Come on, darling.
40:10You know, do the dirty.
40:11You must have an article in you somewhere.
40:13Several, I should imagine.
40:15I'm from the Brombecky Lake, Montel, Trisha.
40:17Think of titles, think of titles, think of titles.
40:19I left my husband for a kidney bean.
40:23And now he wants it back.
40:28What do you want?
40:31Be kind, sir.
40:32Sorry.
40:33I bring you an ulti-
40:34Matimum.
40:35Me, Tom Lee.
40:35Or me, Tom.
40:36From your mother.
40:37Will you must cancel the play
40:39or she will be forced to spread bad word
40:41and, hey, go on, Ricky Lake.
40:43Or similar.
40:44To do, I left my husband for a kidney bean.
40:46No.
40:47I'm the one.
40:48To do, Dirty Daughter did the devious on me
40:50and stabbed me in the throat.
40:52What?
40:52She will show no mercy
40:54in the defecation of your character.
40:58Mom, come here.
40:59Oh, no.
41:02I will do that, you know.
41:03I will do that.
41:04But it opens tonight, so I think you'd be a little late.
41:06Oh, shit.
41:08Is he in it?
41:09Is he in it, darling?
41:10Do you hope you put him in it?
41:11I could tell you a few stories about him.
41:12Being married to him was like being married to an antique shop, darling,
41:14full of crap and always closed.
41:17Old wood, aren't you?
41:19Dad.
41:19No, whatever you're thinking, Saf, don't go.
41:21No, no, show Mom the photo you have of me and your wallet.
41:23Tell me the photo you have of me and your wallet.
41:25What is this, darling?
41:29Is that a little sappy?
41:30Is that a little sappy?
41:31Oh, for God's sake, it's only a play.
41:33I mean, I'm sorry, Saf.
41:34I mean, you don't even go to the theater.
41:36You don't know anybody that goes to the theater.
41:38I mean, it's not going to touch your life at all.
41:40Oh, shut up!
41:41Ah!
41:42Stop it!
41:43Can I go?
41:44No, you can't go.
41:45Stay.
41:46We haven't been picked up.
41:47Oh, this better be good.
41:48Black matter is dragging us towards eternal Dalmatian.
41:53And before long, we will be cloned and turned into sheep.
41:56So, to avoid this fate, I'm being picked up by a spaceship
41:59that's hidden in the tail of an approaching comet.
42:02That'll be them buzzing now.
42:03Don't be so stupid.
42:04Have you got a purple tablecloth and gym shoes?
42:07No, don't stay.
42:07Just stay.
42:08Hi, hi, hi.
42:09Oh, right.
42:10Oh, don't be scared.
42:11It's only us.
42:12Great.
42:13Shalom.
42:14Oh, horror movie cast list now, innit?
42:17Just ignore her.
42:18Ignore her.
42:18What happened to you?
42:19Oh, Marshall is the rabbi now.
42:21We thought if Steven Seagal can be a llama, what the hell?
42:25Abundance, holiness, and purity to you.
42:27Well done, honey.
42:28Please sit down.
42:29Oh, thank you.
42:30Have you come to see the play?
42:32Play?
42:33What play?
42:34We don't see plays.
42:34We only see movies.
42:36It's all right.
42:36Mum knows now.
42:37Please have a drink.
42:38Oh, thank you.
42:39This isn't a party, darling.
42:40This is hell.
42:42I'm sensing tension.
42:44Leave it, Bo.
42:46Listen, a guest for a while can see for a mile, as Rabbi Uni or Denny said on Letterman.
42:51Come on.
42:52Hand over the red thread.
42:53There is healing to be done.
42:55Well, you better be careful.
42:56This is expensive stuff.
42:57Oh, don't be stupid.
42:58I bought it wholesale at the fabric store.
43:00Aye.
43:01Aye.
43:01Shed your evil shell.
43:03Shed your...
43:03You don't have an evil shell, do you?
43:05You're precious.
43:07Okay.
43:08Oh, there's some evil in you.
43:09Don't try to lie.
43:11Exactly.
43:11More thread over here.
43:14Oh, God.
43:16Lies on me.
43:17It's what you always wanted, Eddie.
43:19Yesterday, you're going centre-spread full tit and minge.
43:22I don't know if that would have been airbrushed, wouldn't it?
43:25I have control over that.
43:26I mean, this is just going to be raw meat.
43:30Porn.
43:31Oh, darling.
43:32We don't care what people think about us.
43:34Ridicule is nothing to be scared of.
43:37Prince Charming.
43:38Come on, darling.
43:38Prince Charming.
43:39Do it, Eddie.
43:40Ridicule is nothing to be scared of.
43:43I've found an eye.
43:45Now I need a mouth.
43:47Oh, cute.
43:48A mouth.
43:49Take my mother-in-law, please.
43:51Marshall, you're a rabbi, not Jackie Mason.
43:54He gets so confused.
43:55Why are you doing this?
43:57Well, the Kabbalah.
43:58In Los Angeles, the Kabbalah groups are the best parties.
44:00All the big stars are there and a couple of Jews.
44:03You know, we've had to sacrifice so much.
44:05We can no longer smell our fingers after we eat.
44:07We can only have sex once a month through a tiny little hole in a sheet.
44:12I should imagine that's quite a relief for you.
44:19You did bring the sheet, didn't you?
44:21Saf, I have to go.
44:22Okay, you will be there.
44:24Yes, yes, of course.
44:25Gesundheit.
44:26Oh, you see, I'm nearly fluent in Hebrew.
44:30No, Beau, you just bring up phlegm.
44:32All I need is a knee.
44:34God, this wig is so hot.
44:37It cost me a fortune.
44:39It's one of Barbara Streisand's old wigs.
44:41Papa, can you hear me?
44:46Barbara's here.
44:46Barbara's here.
44:47Papa, can you see me?
44:50People.
44:50People who need people.
44:55Let's get physical.
44:56That's Olivia.
44:57Barbara.
44:59Will you be able to last the play, Marshall?
45:01Yeah, yeah, yeah.
45:01And time is kickoff?
45:03Oh, it's a playground.
45:04Curtain up.
45:04Oh, I will, dear.
45:05Is it chilly out?
45:07Marshall's coped with everything except the Jewish food.
45:10Yesterday, he had diarrhea so bad, he almost laid his own kidneys.
45:13Oh!
45:13Oh, that's true.
45:14Okay, let's go.
45:15I'll be with you in a minute.
45:16Okay.
45:23Mum, I think you should come.
45:26Here's a ticket.
45:33Oh, God, why have so many people got to go in, darling?
45:37Haven't seen a face go in yet.
45:38Yeah, well, that means nothing.
45:39People who matter don't have to have a face.
45:42Is she here?
45:42No, no, not yet.
45:44Oh, you look great, Sarah.
45:46You don't look so good.
45:48She won't come.
45:49Anyway, I don't care either way.
45:51Oh, I thought I was late.
45:52Are you okay?
45:53Yes, I'm fine.
45:54I wish everyone would stop saying that.
45:55You look great.
45:57I swear, good, thank you.
45:58Oh, hello.
46:01Right, come on.
46:02Let's go.
46:03Quick.
46:03This is it, is it?
46:04Good luck.
46:05Good luck.
46:05It's like I'm watching my own funeral.
46:07Oh, darling.
46:08The sniveling little bitch has written a piece of shit.
46:10That's all.
46:10It's not you.
46:11It's vomit.
46:11It's bullshit.
46:12What if it isn't?
46:13What if it's great?
46:14Darling, it'll be flaps not.
46:15Let's go.
46:16Oh, what's that?
46:17What the flaps not?
46:21I'm so nervous.
46:22Oh.
46:23What's that?
46:28I'm sorry.
46:30Don't be so bloody stupid.
46:32I'm sorry.
46:37I'm sorry.
46:52I'm sorry.
46:54This is a story of a self-raising flower.
46:57Oh, shut up.
46:59I am that flower.
47:01I need to get it out of my chest where it has sat there for all these years.
47:04I need to shout it openly.
47:06I need to shout it openly.
47:06Piss off!
47:09Piss off!
47:09Piss off!
47:10This is my story.
47:14Piss off!
47:19Oh, shit!
47:23Look at me!
47:24Look at me!
47:24Look at what?
47:25Look at what?
47:27I don't know what to say.
47:29I don't know what to say.
47:34She had tried every fad diet and every fad drug that has ever existed.
47:39And still, somehow, she remains two stone overweight.
47:44One stone?
47:48I was dragged up by my mother and a piece of flint.
47:56Oh, you little bitch troll from hell.
47:59You miserable piece of filth.
48:01You know, when Ed said she was pregnant, I told her to abort!
48:04Abort!
48:04Abort!
48:05Abort!
48:05I said, chuck it down the pan and bring me a...
48:08Knitting needle?
48:09A knitting needle!
48:13I'm good, Eddie.
48:17I'm going far, far away.
48:20No!
48:20To the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean or the South Pole.
48:24Cut the umbilical cord, Mum!
48:26I have to go.
48:29No!
48:31No!
48:33I just need a few little crutches to help me through life, sweetie.
48:36You have absolved yourself of responsibility.
48:40You live from self-induced crisis to self-induced crisis.
48:43Someone chooses what you wear and what you eat
48:45and then three times a week someone sticks a hose up your bum
48:47and flushes it all out for you.
48:50I did tell you the facts of life, didn't I, sweetie?
48:53If you mean the time that you sat on my bed
48:55and shook me awake at two o'clock in the morning
48:57and then stoned out your brain slurred into my ear,
48:59oh, by the way, sweetie, people have it all.
49:03Then, yes, you told me the facts of life.
49:06Oh!
49:07Any little gaps you want me to fill you in on?
49:11I knew it was a comedy.
49:12Go for it, kids!
49:15That's my whole life.
49:17Well, Belle.
49:18From the moment you were born, I knew I wanted you.
49:22However, the day after.
49:26What a terrible lot they are, dear.
49:29It reminds me of home.
49:31Tends to be the minor, but otherwise it's just fantastic.
49:33You never gave me anything.
49:36I gave you that hamster!
49:38You mean kitten?
49:40Whatever happened to my kitten?
49:44I live a sentence, unapproved, but not overruled by heaven.
49:52Congratulations.
49:53Congratulations.
50:02Nice to meet you.
50:04Well, thank you, mate.
50:05Oh, come on, right?
50:05I love you.
50:08Hey!
50:09Great, I love you.
50:12I love you, man.
50:14Thank you, everybody.
50:19Thank you, everybody.
50:35It's not me darling it's not me darling it's not me darling it's for you darling oh all right
50:42Thanks
50:47It's not the same kitten
50:52But your play was good darling yeah yeah what an imagination you've got
51:00That's good acting and I've got to go down because Pat's and I having lunch with the people that played
51:05us
51:10Don't show the kitten to Pat's darling will you
51:12She might get jealous you know like the
51:16Just might get jealous
51:19Yeah she's dancing
51:21Hi come here hi hi come here
51:27Come and have a drink
51:30Sorry I didn't quite get the uh tits right
51:36You should be dumped down the dustbin the incinerator was too good for you
51:42No mind cheers mate
52:08Just put them over there
52:09Just put them over there
52:12This means
52:13You should be