- 14 hours ago
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02:11Excuse me.
02:12I mean, I'm just looking, but I don't...
02:13I mean, what's the best place to go?
02:15Depends on what you're after.
02:16If you want bastards, you go in there.
02:19And if you want wankers, go in there.
02:21And if you want selfish little mincing, piss-tight dickheads, then pick a building.
02:26Any building, it's full of them.
02:29Bernie!
02:30Don't be so daft.
02:32Don't listen to her.
02:34It's just a T-shirt.
02:37She's off her head!
02:39She's been drinking!
02:43Bernie!
02:48If you want to wait, I'll give you a lift.
02:50It's not even half past two.
02:51It's early yet.
02:52I'm in that sauna mood.
02:54Oh, you're not.
02:54Look, you lose a couple of pounds in sweat with the added bonus of a shag.
02:57You don't get that in Weight Watchers.
03:22What's that?
03:23It's a burn.
03:24What sort of burn?
03:25Bill, it was a kid who had this bonfire.
03:27It was years ago.
03:35Sorry, I really should have said that I'd go work in the morning.
03:53It's just not fair.
03:54I was a kid.
03:55I went to what was Canal Street then.
03:57A couple of pubs, a club called Rockies, and that's it.
04:00These days, Jesus, you stand still on that street to build a club around you.
04:05God, I am so old.
04:14I lost my virginity at 14.
04:17Summer holidays.
04:18Mum's taking me to Penzance.
04:20And then one day, there's all these lights and vans and things.
04:22They were filming the two Ronnies.
04:24There's a bit of a crowd.
04:26And this bloke walks past.
04:27This electrician.
04:28I'm standing there.
04:30And he looks at me.
04:31I'm wearing these shorts.
04:33Tight little shorts.
04:34I've grown out of them.
04:35And he says, I can see your thing.
04:38That's what he said.
04:39I can see your thing.
04:41Next thing you know, he's wanking me off behind the pub in broad daylight.
04:46Charlie Farley and Piggy Malone.
04:48That's what they were filming.
04:50He was 16.
04:51The liar.
04:55Soon as this bloke's finished, what does Vince do?
04:57He runs straight to a phone box, phones me up, tells me all about it.
05:02God, I was so happy for him.
05:35I'm sitting there with Donna.
05:37That's my friend Donna.
05:38And I'm watching this boy, Christian Hobbs.
05:39He walks over to this girl, Anne-Marie.
05:41Two minutes, that's all it took.
05:43And he was in there, snogging her.
05:44He was eating her.
05:45She wasn't even pretty.
05:47I look around the party and they're all at it.
05:48They're all snogging.
05:49I'm just sitting there.
05:50No one's watching me.
05:52So I walked out.
05:53Stood up and walked out.
05:54Onto Palatine Rose.
05:56Got the bus.
05:57Canal Street.
05:58Won't there be people looking for you?
05:59My mum thinks I'm staying at Donna's.
06:01Donna won't say anything.
06:02She's stupid.
06:03I thought she was your friend.
06:05She is?
06:06Yep.
06:07You're definitely gay.
06:13So, right.
06:15Yeah, I know.
06:16Stuart's office head.
06:17I've got the keys.
06:18I'm in charge of the Jeep.
06:19It was my decision.
06:20I could take Nathan home or I could leave him with Stuart.
06:24I was supposed to be staying at Donna's.
06:26I told my mum.
06:28And I could have sneaked in.
06:30They wouldn't even notice in Donna's house.
06:31They're all mad.
06:34I could have.
06:36I could have gone.
06:41And I meant it.
06:42I did.
06:42He only lived in Didsbury.
06:46Oh God, I'm such a twat.
06:50And let's be honest.
06:51If you're going to lose your virginity, lose it with Stuart.
06:55Magnificent shag.
06:57Apparently.
06:58I wouldn't know.
07:01Look, 15, you're gagging for it.
07:04All those years wanking without even touching a bloke.
07:07Everyone else in school snogging away.
07:09He's waited long enough.
07:36He's waited long enough.
07:42Shagging a virgin. It's all bollocks.
07:45A kiss like this, it's all...
07:48So I thought, well, that's it. I won't bother with him again. He's a kid.
07:52And in the end, that kid sort of saved me.
08:00Do you watch The Street, then?
08:01Of course I do, yeah.
08:04Only me mum, she's given up watching it, cos she says it's full of kids.
08:07But it's not true. I mean, Wednesday, it was all Fred Elliot.
08:11And then this past fortnight, it was non-stop Rita.
08:14It's just not true. The old ones are just as important.
08:17God, you really watch it, don't you?
08:20Yeah, I love it.
08:25Do you like his dunders?
08:29A load of cocky nonsense.
08:31And me. Vince were the only ones left.
08:34On the arse, love. That's all they ever say. On the arse, love.
08:37Sorted!
08:38On the arse, salted. Sorted!
08:54Not ready?
08:56No rush. It'll wait.
08:58Whose is that?
09:00Mine.
09:16What does he say to them?
09:18If we knew that. If we knew the magic words.
09:21What he says them for all of us.
09:30No one.
09:32No one else has a life like this.
09:37No one.
09:39No one else has nights like this.
09:43No one else has a life like this.
09:50No one else has a life like this.
10:09No one else has a life like this.
10:11No one else has a life like this.
10:13No one else.
10:13No one wants that.
10:14It's so important.
10:14That's right.
10:16It's so important.
10:17I believe I can fill out the air.
10:32Oh, Phil, lots of beeps. You're popular. You gone to London? Listen, if you're back tomorrow,
10:37it's that charity thing at Via Fossa. Should be a laugh. We'll be there at nine. See ya.
11:01Mrs Delaney, he didn't take drugs. I know. It was just that night. I mean, I would say
11:10that, even if he did, but take drugs, I mean. But he wasn't like that. He didn't ever...
11:15I know. Thank you, Vince, but I know my own son. Thank you.
11:22Just thought I'd better say...
11:23Thanks.
11:27Well, I don't want to keep you.
11:29But you didn't see anyone that night? You didn't see who he was with?
11:33There was loads of us. Some friends came up for the weekend. Sort of lost track of him.
11:41Did you...
11:44None of my business.
11:46What?
11:50That night, did you...
11:53cop off?
11:55Philip always said that, cop off.
11:59I didn't know.
12:05So, what's the word? What would Philip have called that? Unlucky?
12:08So that makes Philip lucky, because he certainly took someone back home.
12:12It was just some bloke. God knows who it was. He ran away, so he was probably scared. He must
12:18have been.
12:18But tell me, because I can't stop...
12:21Do you think a woman would have, Ron?
12:25Sorry?
12:25If he'd taken a woman home.
12:28What do you mean?
12:30If my son had been straight...
12:31That's the word. Straight.
12:33If Philip were straight.
12:36I don't know, Vince. You tell me what...
12:42He'd have found some woman.
12:44At the age of 35.
12:45Some woman he'd never met.
12:46He'd take her home, take her home with that woman.
12:49Even would he?
12:51It was a mistake.
12:53It's got nothing to do with being gay.
12:55Hasn't it?
12:56At 35?
12:58Philip?
12:59He'd find himself, at the age of 35, taking heroin with a casual fuck.
13:05If he was straight.
13:08He could do.
13:12Well, I suppose...
13:15What would I know?
13:21Four days he laid there.
13:24I had to see him.
13:33People to see.
13:43I mean, just look at today.
13:46It's proof.
13:49You could drop dead any minute.
13:54There's no time to waste.
14:02You should try anything.
14:05Anyone.
14:13Can we go?
14:15Later.
14:23I'll tell you all.
14:24Some other time.
14:27Call me.
14:45Don't go.
14:46Do something you know?
14:47Do something?
15:07Don't go ahead.
15:12You have a badge.
15:14See you.
15:16What about that place?
15:17It's lesbians only. Not that I've been.
15:40Right, come on. Shift your house. Have to sign on.
15:44What about that place?
16:02Uncle Stuart?
16:03Don't say uncle. It makes me sound old.
16:06Stuart, can you drive a tractor?
16:08Yes, I can.
16:10Listen to him. First generation Mancunian.
16:12Mmm.
16:16It's just work. I'm up to my eyes. Can you ask Mum?
16:21I'll tell her I have a date.
16:22Good point.
16:35Oh.
16:35Oh
17:34No, I don't want a pension
17:37Cameron, just stop right there
17:39No pension
17:41No
17:48Oh, Julie
17:49Put me down for a dozen of the blue, half a dozen of the green
17:51I'll pay you next week
17:53Oh, hello, soldier
17:54How'd it go? Has he phoned? How was the date?
17:56I don't know, by the sound of it, this guy really likes him
17:59So, what does Vince do?
18:01He runs a mile
18:02He runs a mile
18:05Spends far too much time with me
18:07Can't argue with that, love
18:10If you're getting them in, I've discovered taboo
18:18I've got to go
18:19He goes mental
18:21He'll end up dead in the canal
18:26Here you go
18:28Oh, right
18:29Well, I was the one who lost your phone in the first place
18:31Yeah, um, thanks
18:34Have you kept the receipt?
18:36You could always keep mine and give his back
18:38Yeah, trouble is
18:40He bought the first phone
18:41And, well, he pays the bill
18:44He's always paid the bill for me
18:46You're a kept man
18:49Yeah, kept in slavery
18:58Look like a boyfriend to me
18:59Oh, give it a rest
19:01Alright, then tell me
19:02When you have a wank, do you think about him?
19:04What's that got to do with it?
19:05Do you think about Cameron?
19:08No
19:08Congratulations, he's your boyfriend
19:11I suppose
19:12Oh, sound happy for God's sake
19:14Good shag
19:15Magnificent shag
19:16Well, there you are, then
19:18I don't know
19:19It's like
19:20He's a bit non-seen
19:21Ooh
19:22I mean, he comes out with me
19:24He goes to Canal Street
19:25But he's sort of outside it
19:26Do you know what I mean?
19:27Sometimes he looks at me
19:28Like I've been brought up by a pack of wolves
19:32Anyway
19:33Early days
19:35I was brought up by a family of ducks
19:36Who the social worker did chase after us
19:39Swim mother would say
19:40Swim for your lives
19:41They caught me at the age of six
19:43They lured me into a trap
19:44With a slice of mighty white
19:46Oh, God
19:47You're going to talk all night
19:48To this day
19:49I can't have a piece of bread
19:50Without dipping it in water
19:52Good night
19:54Whack, whack
20:09Right then
20:10What have we got?
20:12Right
20:13Stan's got a room
20:14But it smells of meat
20:16Pablo's got a bed
20:17But we think his mother might have dined in it
20:18And there's a promise of a camp bed from Kitty
20:20Now we're talking Z bed
20:21Some lounger
20:22Or just a bed that's very camp
20:23Knowing Kitty
20:24I'll go for the last one
20:25Jackie Cathcart
20:26Jackie Cathcart
20:27Jackie Cathcart
20:28Oh, brilliant room
20:29It's on suite
20:30Yeah, and Billy's not back till Christmas
20:32Problem solved
20:33Bring me the head of Jackie Cathcart
20:35Oh, thank God I'm dead
20:37My children could sleep in the warmth
20:38I'm saved, sweet Lord
20:40I'm saved
21:00You think I'm going to go up
21:03And you close your eyes
21:19I've known him since he was 14
21:21That's almost 16 years
21:23He's going to be 30
21:2430 years old
21:26And there he is
21:27Still at my side
21:28Stuart and Vince
21:31And he deserves it
21:32He's never asked for anything
21:34And he deserves it all
21:36I'll do it
21:37I'll chip in
21:38I've been saving
21:39I'm paying for everything
21:40It's his birthday
21:41He's going to be 30
21:42I'm not standing back now
21:43My flat
21:44My money
21:44My gift
21:45Just you wait
21:46He's going to have the biggest fucking party
21:49You've ever seen in your life
22:01Sandra
22:01This is Cameron
22:03My boyfriend
22:03You've sort of met
22:04You've got a boyfriend?
22:06Stuart never said
22:07Hiya
22:08Nice to meet you
22:11I bet you organised all this
22:13I didn't
22:14No
22:14Stuart did it
22:15Did it all by himself
22:17The caterer's ready
22:18He wants you to sign the invoice
22:20And the disco man says
22:21You've got to sign the insurance form
22:22Before he goes
22:23Is that alright?
22:24Yeah
22:25Well
22:26Stuart did pay
22:28Excuse me
22:33Must have cost a fortune
22:36He earns a fortune
22:42Look
22:42Donna's getting all worried
22:43A present's gone off
22:44She bought him cheese
22:46What do you mean
22:46She's bought him cheese?
22:47She bought him cheese
22:48It's brief
22:49It's nice
22:50It's French
22:53Smells all cheesy
22:54Like a knob
22:55It's like smegma
22:57I'm getting a drink
22:58Oh, Buck and Red Bull fans
23:01Smegma
23:18Janice, don't stand there
23:19Come in
23:19No, I would have called in the day
23:22But I didn't want to spoil the surprise
23:24Come and have a drink
23:25I suppose Nathan's in there
23:27Look, he's alright
23:29Mum's looking after him
23:30He won't mind
23:31He wouldn't want me turning up
23:33That's to say thanks
23:34I've been looking after him
23:37Not long till his birthday
23:39Sixteen
23:39He'll be able to live anywhere
23:42I'm going to find him then
23:44His dad's moved out
23:46Well, I asked him to
23:47It's not permanent
23:49It's not permanent
23:49We'll just
23:52We'll see what happens
23:54I better go have a nice time
24:22I take his dry cleaning
24:24I fix his jeep
24:26I buy his condoms
24:28In bulk
24:29But don't you see
24:30Stuart's not attracted to women
24:32We're the great unknown
24:33So he reduces us
24:35We're secretaries
24:36Mother's bit par players
24:37That way
24:38It keeps him in control
24:40Because otherwise
24:41We scare him to death
24:43That's so true
24:45That's spot on that is
24:47Oh, Siobhan
24:48You've really opened my eyes
24:50Anything else I can open?
24:51Hey, Siobhan
25:04I didn't know he'd invited you
25:07He's a bastard
25:08Look
25:09I'm sorry
25:10I should have said
25:13There's John
25:14John down the depot
25:16He's gay
25:18He's lovely
25:19Everyone likes John
25:21Everyone knows
25:23What is so different about you?
25:27That's all he is
25:28Gay
25:29That's all anyone talks about
25:32Gay John
25:33He could win the lottery
25:35He could
25:35He could die
25:37They wouldn't say John's dead
25:38They'd say that gay bloke
25:40From down the depot's dead
25:41At least he doesn't lie
25:43I didn't lie
25:44I mean, I did
25:45But I didn't
25:46It's like
25:46I don't know
25:47It's like
25:49It's like
25:50If I was in a wheelchair
25:51The last thing you want
25:52Is everyone talking
25:53About the wheelchair
25:54Oh, so it's a handicap now, is it?
25:57That's not what I mean
26:17What about the robot?
26:18I don't want it
26:55I don't want it
27:27Transcription by CastingWords
27:41CastingWords
28:27CastingWords
28:57CastingWords
29:27CastingWords
29:41CastingWords
30:10CastingWords
30:13I don't want Vince to know about this.
30:14It's alright. I don't see so much of him these days.
30:18Give me an answer by Tuesday. Phone me at the office.
30:24She's not going to ever get divorced. He's got a meal ticket for life.
30:31I'll see you big fella.
30:42Lisa, by the way, sending letters isn't romantic.
30:47Keeping them is.
30:48How would you know?
31:15It's like I could draw this room.
31:17That night I just lay here all night just looking.
31:22I could draw every single bit of it.
31:25It was a laugh that night, yeah.
31:28Was it?
31:30I've had worse.
31:33And you won't have better.
31:48Do you love Alfred?
31:51Sometimes you talk like such a kid.
31:53Do you love him though?
31:55Isn't that obvious?
31:56It's not, no.
32:01You were lying here that night.
32:05I really thought I loved you.
32:18Like girls at school going on about Jamie Theakston.
32:21It's a teenage crush, that's all.
32:28It's just because that first time I met you, on the street, you just looked at me and you
32:34knew.
32:39I came to Manchester, first day at school, there was Vince.
32:48He knew.
32:50He'll come back.
32:53He's not coming back.
33:18He's not coming back.
33:22He's not coming back.
33:23It wasn't a crush.
33:24You loved me, didn't you?
33:26Yeah.
33:26Past tense.
33:36I could do it.
33:38I could do it.
33:38The letters, I could send them.
33:39I've been in that house, I could have taken them.
33:41I'll do it.
33:43I'll do it.
33:48Oh, oh, oh, oh, make it magnificent tonight.
33:57Right.
34:01Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah.
34:04Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, that is beautiful.
34:07Oh, oh, oh, oh, tonight.
34:11Atomic
34:52You alright then, stranger?
34:54Yeah. Thanks for that. Just...
34:59I don't know. Keep waiting for the punchline.
35:17How many men's had sex in here?
35:22Twenty-seven million.
35:27I was just on tap. That's all I was, on tap. You don't even like me.
35:32You're not so bad.
35:35Really?
35:37Well, let's just say you're not the twat I thought you were.
35:41Is that all?
35:44That's all.
35:47Yeah, well, one day.
35:52Oh, yeah.
35:54Between you and me, I've got this plan.
35:57I'm gonna be gay forever.
36:00Ten years time. I'll be pushing 40. You'll be 25. Jesus.
36:08I can wait.
36:22I thought Vince was so useless. I thought, he's mad. How come he's never shagged him? Hasn't even tried.
36:32He's not so stupid.
36:35I'm off. I've got school.
36:40Have a coffee.
36:53Just in case you'll let me stay.
36:56Not permanently.
36:58Just tonight.
37:00Gary's got his mates round.
37:01It's like a bonzi at Chester Zoo.
37:03Here we are.
37:04Wall Street Gromit.
37:06Hiya.
37:06Hiya.
37:07Have you heard?
37:08I've got a job doing bar work at Substation South.
37:10It's in Brixton.
37:11It's fantastic.
37:12I'm going down to that day.
37:13I'm all packed.
37:13What about the flat?
37:14Oh, I'll be alright.
37:15I've got friends in Camberwell.
37:16Shack up with them.
37:17Oh my God, Stephen Pollock.
37:18Back in a minute.
37:21Stephen!
37:22Stephen!
37:22Hi!
37:23Never guess what.
37:24I'm going to Substation South.
37:25It's in Brixton.
37:26It's fantastic.
37:27I can't wait.
37:27I can't wait.
37:37Hey.
37:38How are you?
37:39Hi.
37:40How's the sewing going?
37:41Brilliant.
37:44Your dad just popped in.
37:45Thought we could all have tea.
37:47It's only pizza, mind.
37:48I'm not cooking.
37:56You staying?
38:00Let's wait and see.
38:01I think so.
38:02I think so.
38:03I think so.
38:21Vince.
38:22Are you there?
38:27How many of Doctor Whos can you name?
38:31What do you mean?
38:33All the actors who played Doctor Who. Name them.
38:36I don't know.
38:37Just try.
38:44Well...
38:46John Pertwee, Tom Baker, um...
38:48Is that it?
38:50What does it matter?
38:52Any more?
38:56The bloke with white hair.
38:58William Hartnell. Any more?
39:00The vent? What the hell does it matter?
39:07Vince?
39:10Sorry? What?
39:11It's breaking up.
39:13We're breaking up. Sorry.
39:23It is. It's dinner for two.
39:25Sod that.
39:26Who says you have to grow up?
39:28I'm not getting married.
39:29I'm not settling down.
39:31I'll be like a twat when I'm 60.
39:33A twat and happy.
39:35Can you just leave me alone, please?
39:38Taxi!
39:40Taxi!
39:42I don't know, all right?
39:44Night's with Stuart.
39:45They're shit off the time.
39:46But I don't care.
39:47I love him!
39:48Me!
39:54Unrequited love.
39:56It's fantastic.
39:57Because it never has to change,
39:58it never has to grow up,
39:59and it never has to die.
40:01I said that.
40:02Look what happened to me.
40:03Don't spoil the moment.
40:05Run.
40:10Come on.
40:17Attention!
40:17A beneficent open.