- 14 hours ago
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00:02Oh, my God.
00:05Oh, my God.
00:07Oh, my God.
00:09Oh, my God.
00:11Oh, my God.
00:11Oh, my God.
00:13I'm rubbish at this.
00:16How do I look?
00:17You look fine.
00:19I don't see why they couldn't use my place.
00:21His flat's huge.
00:22Yeah, but it doesn't mean that my house is small.
00:26Oh, my God.
00:28Is that me good?
00:29Oh, my God.
00:33What do you want? We were just passing by.
00:35I thought we'd pick up those CDs. Yeah, well, you can't stay long.
00:37I'm busy.
00:46Oh, my God.
00:49Happy birthday.
00:50Happy birthday.
00:53So, how long has he known?
00:55Ages, should you tell him?
00:56No. He's not stupid.
01:01Oh, yes.
01:03I'm never going to let this down.
01:04I told the Christmas Club I'm 41.
01:06I should have drowned you when you were a kid.
01:08Hey.
01:09Congratulations, look.
01:10Hey, you've reached a diagnosis.
01:12It's my grandmother's neuralgia and they want a 24-hour sample by a mummy so they can test me.
01:16It's piss. It's a bucket of piss.
01:20It's a bucket of piss.
01:23My name's Christine Cagney and I'm an alcoholic.
01:26Now, it's disco trash all night, so here's a rave from the grave, a revived 45, but that's enough of
01:31Hazel.
01:31Oh, yeah.
01:33Cheeky sub.
01:34I'll have you.
01:34That'll be a first.
01:36That's the way.
01:37Oh, I like it.
01:39Oh, oh.
01:40That's the way.
01:41I'll have you at 30, eh?
01:43I'll have you at 30, eh?
01:45Oh, I like it.
01:47Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
01:49Thanks.
01:5030.
01:52You cunt.
01:5630 years old.
01:58How did that happen?
02:00Me?
02:01How did that happen?
02:11Look at this.
02:13I know millions of people.
02:14Hiya.
02:15I've been to the council and I'm seeing some women on Tuesday.
02:17I'm getting a flat off the council.
02:18How come?
02:19Hi, Dad.
02:19Tell me nothing.
02:21As soon as I'm 16, me and Dad's sharing.
02:23Tell me, gay, they'll give you a flat.
02:24Tell me Dad's a queer pastor.
02:25You get pen abs.
02:26Donna, love.
02:27Did no one say it was a pie?
02:28Shame.
02:29You've just dressed up.
02:31Come and see the bar.
02:32They've got whiskey and gin and everything.
02:38How's he gonna sleep with all this noise?
02:40He's used to it.
02:42She won't play his whale songs all night.
02:50Oh, look at him.
02:51No idea.
02:53Ah, Rumi.
02:54I thought we could do the photos now.
02:56Er, if that's alright with Vince.
02:58It's his party.
03:00It's just for this marriage thing.
03:01We're getting our photos taken wherever we go,
03:03like we've known each other ages.
03:04You don't mind, do you?
03:05Of course not.
03:12Look at him.
03:14Nought years old.
03:17Do you remember in school?
03:19We used to talk about being 20.
03:22All those plans we made,
03:24we were gonna get flat and live together.
03:26Yeah.
03:26Still could.
03:28You can move in here.
03:29We can get a house together, I'll pay.
03:31Don't know what Cameron would say.
03:33He's bought you a car.
03:35He hasn't.
03:36He's bought me that box set of Trial of a Time Lord,
03:38which I've already got.
03:39It's parked around the corner.
03:41He's gonna bring it round when we do the presents.
03:45It's just a mini.
03:47400 quid, but it's a car.
03:50That's a bit heavy.
03:52Do you know what I'd do?
03:53Run.
03:56Run like the wind.
03:57Front line.
04:06Party.
04:08They'll be...
04:26I'll be warbanger. Best drink on God's earth. Just to sit mine, then it's back on the park.
04:31What's he do that? Cameron blow.
04:32He's an accountant. I always said that the childers were marrying to money one day.
04:37What?
04:39He's checking in the accountant. Oi, do you mind?
04:41He's nice. Nice? Imagine checking to be nice.
04:44He's not a real boyfriend. You know Vince just shuts his eyes and thinks he's a steward. Sad man.
04:50Ooh, fab. Nathan, we're dancing today.
04:52Hazel, save us a cocktail.
04:54Sorry about that.
04:56That's just that ladle.
04:59It's him. Dad.
05:01Nathan seems to be so impressive.
05:03Drink's coming off.
05:07They're taking the piss. They can ask all my burnies.
05:13Smile.
05:15Hey, Romy, have you told them?
05:16They've set a date for the wedding.
05:18Yeah, 25th.
05:19Blimey, another party. I've never been so busy.
05:21Thing is, we're keeping it sort of small. It's all private.
05:23You're not invited.
05:25That's it, thanks. End of film.
05:28I mean, no offence, but if you lot come to the registry office and someone from the home office turns
05:33up, it's all going to look a bit gay, isn't it? Last thing we need.
05:38Siobhan, load another film, we'll go and change.
05:41Lance was looking at the birth certificate this morning.
05:44Nice blank space where the father's name goes.
05:46Makes adoption so much easier.
05:48Didn't you put your name down?
05:49No, you didn't want to. Too much responsibility.
05:52But like you said, Stuart, no harm in keeping it blank.
05:55What could possibly go wrong?
05:57Fuck you.
05:58Nice comeback.
05:59Biss, there's no one for you at the door.
06:01All right in front, out of my face, my feelings can just...
06:09Janice, don't stand there. Come in.
06:10No, I would have called in the day, but I didn't want to spoil the surprise.
06:15Come and have a drink.
06:16I suppose Nathan's in there.
06:18You won't mind?
06:19He wouldn't want me turning up.
06:21That's to say thanks.
06:22I've been looking after him.
06:24Not long till his birthday.
06:26Sixteen.
06:27He'll be able to live anywhere.
06:29I'm going to find him then.
06:48Right, can you shut your noise, please?
06:49It's time for presents.
06:50And if anyone's bought him at Jeff Stryker Cock and Balls,
06:53and you're getting booted out, because that is so unoriginal...
06:56You'll never guess.
06:58That's every episode of Saved by the Bell with Zach taking his shirt off.
07:00I've been back four years taping that.
07:02What's Saved by the Bell?
07:04Lesbians.
07:05Get a move on, Vince. I want to dance.
07:11That's from me.
07:13You've given me a present.
07:14That was to throw you off the scent.
07:22Oh, my God!
07:26Cameron, you bastard. I've never been to the stage.
07:32I've never been to the stage.
07:32That's from me.
07:33I've never been to the stage.
07:33I've never been to the stage.
07:34All right, let's go.
07:39That's going to be a good stage.
07:42Wow!
07:46Ta-da!
07:47Lucky man!
07:49So that's why you haven't been drinking.
07:50You're what?
07:51It's only second-hand, but...
07:53he'll get your belt.
07:55Come on.
07:56It's a minnow.
07:57Claptout or minnow?
07:58It's pathetic.
08:00I'll get you some more of that drink.
08:02Bernie, fetch us your bucket.
08:05Serious present then?
08:07Like being married?
08:11Rum like the wind.
08:40I love it. I'm just saying I'm going to pay off.
08:43You can't spend all that.
08:45You take the keys, cos I'll only get pissed.
08:51Oh, my God!
08:56Where did you get it? Did you hire her? What?
08:59Happy birthday.
09:01But you've got the party and everything.
09:03Alright, I'll take it back. Watch this.
09:16That is completely, completely fantastic.
09:20I want one.
09:21God, I'm so sad.
09:40You're never going to fuck him, so why do you keep him waiting?
09:44He's not 30, he's 12.
09:47You're keeping him at 12.
09:51I'll get up and roll it down.
10:05Come on up and get your cup out.
10:07I'm a mader!
10:09I'm a mader!
10:12Ladies and gentlemen,
10:14Miss...
10:14Alexander...
10:15Savage!
10:16I'm a mader!
10:22I'm the mader!
10:31I'm the mader!
10:35Molly, Piggy, Melody Maker
10:39She's the fun, they take some time
10:46Save the love, the soul, the queen
10:49Sing the blues, the love supreme
10:53Baby, see the lunabab
10:56Life's all in the past
10:59But she's built to last
11:02She's got
11:04Two
11:08Can't believe
11:10She's just watching
11:12She's just watching
11:20Scary, crazy
11:23Do your heart
11:25Swirling, yes
11:28That's what I want
11:31With a quiet, chill
11:34Baby, don't go
11:36Ladies, I'm dancing
11:38If you please, they can't see some of you
11:40Shall we join the show
11:43I'm just a girl
11:47I'm just a girl
11:56I'm just a girl
12:01Hiya, happy birthday
12:03Yeah, thanks
12:05Didn't know you were coming
12:07Thanks, it's a bit wild
12:09They're all drunk
12:10Don't know, half of them
12:12I'm late
12:12Your mate Stuart said don't come too late
12:15Are you hungry?
12:17I'm hungry
12:18We could go and get a curry
12:19We could
12:20Here she is
12:22Rosalie
12:23Have you met Cameron?
12:24Come and say hello
12:24Cameron
12:26This is Cameron
12:27Cameron is Vince's boyfriend
12:29We've been together for ages
12:30Cameron says Vince shags like a rabbit
12:32He's bought in a car
12:32He's the perfect boyfriend
12:34They're practically married
12:36Put your coat in the bedroom
12:38Vince
12:40Get her a drink
12:44Is that the girl from work?
12:48Bloody coat
12:51Blimey, there's a baby
12:52Who uses that, bless him
12:53It's a bit big this place, isn't it?
12:55It's huge
12:56They'd have the eating on full time
12:57Taxi driver couldn't find it
12:59He drove round for ages
13:01He is my boyfriend
13:02He's
13:04He's nice
13:04He's
13:05Actually, I think I'll head off home
13:07I've had this head all day
13:08It's a bit loud
13:10I'll be clobbered
13:11Best if I go
13:12Happy birthday then
13:16Hey, fuck off
13:29I found a taxi
13:30It's the middle of the night
13:31You said girlfriend
13:33All those times you said girlfriend
13:35Just sit with your mates
13:37You and the boys
13:38Just sit and laugh at me
13:39Because I'm such a big joke
13:40That girl at work
13:41She fancies me
13:42She's so funny
13:43Because she's so stupid
13:46I'm really sorry
13:47I should have said
13:49You're just a liar, Vince
13:51And you're a puff
13:53You're a dirty little puff
13:59What the fuck was that for?
14:01She's just a kid
14:01Just leave it
14:02Leave it
14:03We're going
14:04Let's just go
14:05What does he do at work?
14:07Oh, Christ
14:08We're such a bastard
14:10That's it
14:10We're going
14:19What about the robot?
14:20I don't want it
14:21I don't want it
14:25I don't want it
14:27I don't want it
14:28I don't want it
14:29I don't want it
14:31I don't want it
14:34I don't want it
14:35I don't want it
14:36I don't want it
14:37I don't want it
14:37I don't want it
14:38I don't want it
14:39I don't want it
14:39I don't want it
14:40I don't want it
14:40I don't want it
14:41I don't want it
14:41I don't want it
14:44I don't want it
14:49I don't want it
15:27I've seen better.
15:30He left off his presence behind, gave me the keys.
15:33Rather, I missed all the drama.
15:35Too busy dancing.
15:37Title of my autobiography, that is.
15:40There's a tape in the video.
15:41It belongs to him.
15:56There you go.
16:00Thanks.
16:02Right, I'm off.
16:10I'm off.
16:12Vince calls home and says, there's this new boy at school.
16:15This Irish boy.
16:16I had weeks of it.
16:18Stuart this, Stuart that.
16:20And then weeks, he didn't mention you at all.
16:21Like the two of you had a secret.
16:24You tipped up soon enough.
16:26That bank holiday.
16:27Both of you drunk.
16:2814 and drunk.
16:30As soon as I saw you, I thought, clever little bastard.
16:33That's right.
16:33Everyone have a go at me.
16:35I said clever.
16:37Did it on purpose, didn't you?
16:40That's one hell of a push you gave him.
16:43Can't do things on the quiet, can you?
16:45Has to be a spectacle.
16:47Couldn't you have just told him to sod off?
16:48Like he'd listen.
16:50Hazel, he'd follow me around forever.
16:53Yeah.
16:55Cameron's all right.
16:56It's good for him.
16:57Cameron won't last.
16:59He might.
17:00He won't.
17:02Still, leaves room for the next Cameron.
17:05Right, I'm late, I'm off.
17:07Oh, one more thing.
17:08Don't suppose you've seen a bucket of piss, have you?
17:14Have you said anything?
17:16None of my business.
17:18He's trying to make sense of it, poor sod.
17:20But if you want it to make sense, then you have to see Vince as important.
17:24And he's never going to manage that, is he?
17:29See you, kid.
17:30Look after yourself.
17:31Always have.
17:35Keys are on the table.
17:36He doesn't want them back.
17:37Look after yourself.
17:40See you, les changes.
17:42Bye.
17:47Bye.
17:51Bye.
17:53Bye.
18:00Bye.
18:02Bye.
18:04Bye.
18:05Bye.
18:16What do you want?
18:18Fuck off.
18:22What for?
18:36Don't pretend you're not bothered.
18:38The moment she marries him, your child will have a new father.
18:41I'm much more interested in why it bothers you.
18:45He's moved in permanently, just in case the Home Office checks up.
18:49He's got his things in our bedroom.
18:51Her bedroom.
18:52Just in case.
18:53He's sleeping with her?
18:55Oh, my God, they're having sex.
18:57Stuart, I have very good reason to believe she's a lesbian.
19:01Have they? Have they? Have they shagged?
19:03She's put his name on the deeds to the house.
19:06Just in case.
19:08At her house, she can do what she wants.
19:10I've been living there for six years, paying half the mortgage with nothing in writing.
19:14And you, the solicitor?
19:16If Romeo and I split up, I get nothing.
19:19Ah.
19:21I see. I thought this was a love story, but it's just a mortgage.
19:25Yeah, I'm simplifying for my audience.
19:28She's only doing the right thing.
19:29She always does the right thing.
19:31She's saving a man from being deported.
19:32She's so bloody correct.
19:36So it's down to us to stop her.
19:41The first six months we went out, she wrote to me all the time.
19:44She still writes to me now.
19:46Like it's some sort of record.
19:47The thoughts of Romy Sullivan.
19:50Lesbian letters.
19:52Can I read them?
19:53Doubt it.
19:54Joined up handwriting.
19:58But they'll make the Home Office see things in a very different light.
20:03Here's the address.
20:04It's a Mrs. Lake.
20:05She's in charge of Lance's visa application.
20:07Hold on.
20:09Why do I have to send them?
20:10This could only have come from inside the house.
20:12You send them.
20:13You're in and out of that house all the time.
20:15And of course you're a malicious bastard.
20:18We could send them anonymously.
20:20They still come from inside the house.
20:22Someone's got to take the blame.
20:24Romy's going to be furious.
20:26She'll never forgive you.
20:26But she's got a very good solicitor to remind her that she can't deny the father access.
20:31So it all becomes my fault.
20:34I look after your child every fucking day.
20:36And every night he's screaming the place down.
20:39You owe me.
20:54Too much information.
21:02Leave me alone.
21:03Leave me alone.
21:21Yeah.
21:22It's me.
21:23I was just passing.
21:24Nathan.
21:25Fuck off.
21:27They've been round all day.
21:29Vince and Cameron.
21:30They've been calling you all sorts.
21:32I just thought, I mean...
21:34Are you all right?
21:37Stuart?
21:39Fuck off.
21:53Nathan.
21:54Nathan.
21:55Nathan.
21:56Nathan.
21:56Yeah?
21:58Come on up.
21:58You got to do.
22:07Doug.
22:09Oh my God.
22:11Yeah?
22:13Oh my God.
22:23Come on up.
22:45It's dodgy that lift.
22:47It's dodgy that lift.
22:48Hiya.
22:52Cameron thinks you're mad.
22:53Like, really mad.
22:54I said you don't even know him.
22:56And Vince said you'd be laughing.
22:58I told him.
22:58I said that's not fair.
23:00He's not like that.
23:01Nathan, you're just a little boy.
23:03Don't fucking think you know me.
23:16Look, maybe you should go.
23:19It's not Vince.
23:20It's...
23:22It's lots of things.
23:24Like what?
23:26If I send the letters, Romy's bound to find out it was me, and she's gonna hate me.
23:33Yes!
23:35What if someone else sent the letters?
23:37Like who?
23:39I don't know.
23:53I could do it.
23:55The letters, I could send them.
23:56I've been in that house.
23:57I could have taken them.
23:59I'll do it.
24:00I will.
24:07You're still gonna come back to me.
24:09Romy's gonna think I asked you.
24:11I'll say you didn't.
24:12I'll take the blame.
24:14She's still gonna ask why.
24:16I don't know.
24:18Cause I didn't want you to lose Alfred.
24:20Cause even if you wanted me to, you'd never ask.
24:29Yeah, you'd never ask.
24:35You'd get me to do it, but not by asking.
24:50Look at you.
24:53All you had to do was ask.
25:01Cause you're mad you are.
25:03You never say.
25:06Do you want me to take the letters?
25:09Ask me.
25:10Go on.
25:11Ask me.
25:12I'm not bothered, okay?
25:14Do you love him though?
25:15Do you love Alfred?
25:18Cause you don't say it.
25:21You can't, can you?
25:22Look at you.
25:23You can't.
25:25Do you love Vince?
25:26All right, Nathan.
25:27Fuck off.
25:30Ask me.
25:32Go on.
25:32Just ask me.
25:33I'll sort it out myself.
25:35I don't need you.
25:36I'll do it.
25:37And not for a shag.
25:39I'll do it cause I'm stupid.
25:40And I sort of love you.
25:42Put them down.
25:44Too late.
25:45I'm in love.
25:51Lance is gonna be deported.
25:52And do you know what Vince would do if he was here?
25:55He'd stop you.
25:57Vince would stop you.
26:00No Vince.
26:02You've just got me.
26:11You were right.
26:12About Vince.
26:13If he hears about this he'll come running round.
26:16So?
26:18So don't tell him.
26:19Are you asking?
26:21Yeah.
26:24Okay.
26:25You could say thanks.
26:29You can't say it.
26:32Stuart Jones.
26:33You're such a twat.
26:49Hello?
26:52Can anyone hear me?
26:55Hello?
26:55Hello?
26:57Hello?
27:00Hello?
27:01Hello?
27:02Hello?
27:03Hello?
27:05We'll see you next time.