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00:12I'm looking for calling people!
00:15You're fucking useless!
00:17I'm lost!
00:18For one, two, one, one, two, one.
00:21Come on, I'm being a villain.
00:22Oh, get off, get off.
00:24And the stupidest games are строs.
00:27Because there's nothing else to do.
00:32Ha!
00:53Why has it got to be me?
00:54I didn't even know him that well.
00:56Only went to his house twice.
00:57And, I mean, who plans their own funeral?
00:59It's mad.
01:00Well, you've done it.
01:01Like I said, it's mad.
01:04That's three of them.
01:05Magic Martin, John Baxter, and now good old Phil.
01:09Three than what?
01:09Three men I've shined to have died.
01:11Not a bad ratio, all things considered.
01:19Nice man!
01:19What a journey!
01:21Malone's a buggery!
01:22Would he shut the window?
01:23Where's the do?
01:25Sandra, leave me alone.
01:26I can't ride it now.
01:27I can't!
01:28I'm at a funeral.
01:29Yeah.
01:30No, I am.
01:31Listen, Sandra.
01:32Organ music.
01:33Funeral.
01:34I love my heart to a start.
01:36Of course it's not a party.
01:38It's a funeral.
01:38I can't tell that if he's cheap, can I?
01:41It's on my desk.
01:42Cope it out of me.
01:43I can't!
01:45Yeah, write it yourself.
01:50I'm getting buried.
01:52People cry more at burials.
01:54I want them sobbing their guts out.
01:57So when did you have Phil then?
01:58I told you, that party made the first election night.
02:02Didn't think he was your type.
02:03Well, he wasn't, was he?
02:04He was half lard.
02:06I was having that boy.
02:07What's his name?
02:12Winston.
02:14And everyone just starts joining in.
02:16It must have been about six of us.
02:18And Phil just throws himself on top.
02:21Phil never said.
02:23Thought he hated you.
02:24Well, he was all over me.
02:26He was snogging me.
02:27I was going, get off, get off.
02:33Big Bob was in there somewhere.
02:36You've had Big Bob.
02:38If that's what he calls big,
02:40I'm a fucking colossus.
02:43Is there anyone you haven't had?
02:46Nuclear family that we all know today
02:49emerged out of the process of industrialization.
02:52I was fucking out of the lane for
02:55And then when it's been inside,
02:58So when it's been inside,
02:59And then working in a beautiful way.
03:25Now, at Philip's request, a reading by Mr. Vincent Ty.
03:43I've been asked to do this.
03:47Phil wanted a reading.
03:53Because it was last Easter.
03:55He found this bruise on his leg.
03:59He said, that's it.
04:01I'm dying. I'm off.
04:04So he wrote all this down.
04:06His last request.
04:09Turns out he bumped his leg on a stepladder.
04:14But he chose this.
04:18He wanted something appropriate.
04:25D-I-S-C-O.
04:30I say D-I-S-C-O.
04:35She is D-Delirious.
04:40She is I-Incredible.
04:43She is S-Superficial.
04:47She is C-Crazy Crazy.
04:50She is O-O-O-O-O.
04:55Of course, I was with him the night he died.
04:57Well, I wasn't with him with him.
04:58Or he wouldn't be dead.
04:59Or we'd both be dead.
05:00Oh, imagine.
05:01I could be dead.
05:02This could be me.
05:03Mind you, I think I'd get more of a crowd.
05:10Yeah, Stuart and Vince.
05:12Who used to go on about you?
05:14Cameron Roberts.
05:15I did Phil's accounts.
05:16Didn't see you at the crematorium.
05:18No, I'm just paying my respects.
05:20I didn't know about him.
05:21Neither did I, really.
05:22All right.
05:23Used to talk about you all the time, though.
05:24Yeah, we had a laugh and that.
05:26But we were pub friends, you know?
05:28Just went out drinking.
05:30So what do you do with your real friends?
05:31We go out drinking.
05:37Heard about the service.
05:39Pops.
05:40Sounds good.
05:42Yes.
05:43Glad it was Vince.
05:45Who used to go on about him?
05:46Vince this, Vince that.
05:47Thought the world of him.
05:49I'm Vince.
05:52Oh.
05:53It's just that Phil said, well, everyone said,
05:56that Stuart was the better looking one.
06:06Do you want a hand?
06:08I've got a way.
06:09I'm doing that collection thing.
06:11I'll give you a hand.
06:20We're going back tomorrow.
06:21Collect these things.
06:22Put the house on the market.
06:23Then it's done.
06:26All over.
06:33Sorry.
06:33I'd imagine you're the same, Mrs. Tyler.
06:36When your son tells you about himself,
06:39the plans all change.
06:41No wedding, no grandchildren.
06:42Not to be.
06:44And that's fine.
06:46It's the plans you don't make.
06:48You don't plan your own son's funeral.
06:52You don't plan your own son's funeral.
06:58Child, sorry.
06:59Make it child, not son.
07:01Child.
07:02New paragraph.
07:04You plan for the best of times.
07:06Full stop.
07:08You can plan their weddings.
07:09Comma.
07:10You can plan for grandchildren.
07:12Full stop.
07:13But some things you never plan.
07:15Full stop.
07:17New paragraph.
07:20At the worst of times,
07:23Sherwood is there to help.
07:26Full stop.
07:27Finished.
07:29How's that?
07:30It's slushy.
07:32Stuart?
07:33Is that really a funeral?
07:35Slushy's good.
07:36It's post Diana.
07:38Print it up.
07:39You are, aren't you?
07:40You're at the funeral.
07:41I said so, didn't I?
07:42You bastard.
07:56Mrs. Delaney, he didn't take drugs.
08:01I know.
08:03It was just that night.
08:04I mean, I would say that, even if he did, but take drugs, I mean.
08:09But he wasn't like that.
08:10He didn't ever...
08:11So, thank you, Vince, but I know my own son.
08:17Just thought I'd better say...
08:18Thanks.
08:22Well, I don't want to keep...
08:23But you didn't see anyone that night.
08:25You didn't see who he was with?
08:27There was loads of us.
08:28Some friends came up for the weekend.
08:31Sort of lost track of him.
08:32But tell me, because I can't stop...
08:36None of my business.
08:38What?
08:39Do you think a woman would have run?
08:43What do you mean?
08:44If he'd taken a woman home.
08:46Sorry?
08:47I don't know, Vince.
08:48You tell me what...
08:53He'd have found some woman.
08:55At the age of 35.
08:56Some woman he'd never met.
08:58He'd take her home, take her home with that woman.
09:00Would he?
09:02It was a mistake.
09:04It's got nothing to do with being gay.
09:06Hasn't it?
09:08He'd find himself at the age of 35
09:10taking heroin with a casual fuck.
09:13If he was straight.
09:15He could do.
09:17Well, I suppose...
09:19What would I know?
09:24Four days he laid there.
09:27I had to see him.
09:37People to see.
09:46Donna said she saw Mr Rogers with his wife in town.
09:49Said she's tiny.
09:50She's like a dwarf.
09:51Face like that.
09:52That's why he's cross all the time.
09:54He's got to go to bed with that.
09:58She's a twat, that Donna.
09:59Why'd you hang about with her?
10:02Are you shagging her?
10:02No way!
10:08Tracy Anstey.
10:10I'd have her.
10:12Jason reckon she's a dyke.
10:14She's always with that blonde girl.
10:16Don't tell me that.
10:18Waste.
10:19I don't know, though.
10:20At least she's getting some.
10:22Getting more than me.
10:23And me.
10:25Doesn't matter where you get it.
10:26So long as you do.
10:28You only have to one thing.
10:29That's them.
10:30And we are.
10:32Yeah.
10:36Behind the house.
10:37No one's looking.
10:38I've got this fucking boner and she's grabbing it.
10:41I'm like, yes.
10:43I'm going.
10:43She's fucking ah.
10:44She's scooping down.
10:46She's got my balls and all.
10:48Then she's pulling.
10:49Gripping dead tight.
10:51Then she stops.
10:53She's got to go home.
10:55She fucking stops.
10:58Christ, I'm packing it.
11:01I'm packing it.
11:16I'm packing it.
11:55I mean, just look at today.
11:58It's proof.
12:00You should try anything.
12:05Can we go?
12:07Later.
12:15Tell you what.
12:16Some other time.
12:19Call me.
12:42Just move in here.
12:48How is Mrs. Delaney?
12:51What did you say about the drugs?
12:53Nah.
12:54We just chatted.
12:57God, just take me home.
12:59Nope.
13:01Things to do.
13:14You're like mumps, aren't you?
13:16How am I like mumps, huh?
13:17Like he did everything that's junk.
13:19I mean, the rest of us.
13:20What are we doing?
13:21Nothing.
13:22Well, because.
13:22He did that and for the cheesy pops.
13:24Apart from it.
13:25But you, you're doing all sorts now.
13:27I've only just started.
13:28Sick of you.
13:33Get in there.
13:34Get in there.
13:35Get in there.
13:35Get in there.
13:35Get in there.
13:36Get in there.
13:36Get in there.
13:39Get in there.
13:39You pansy.
13:40You little shit lifter.
13:42You fucking quitter.
14:01I did not.
14:03I'm going to the cash and carry.
14:04They need stuff at school.
14:05Do you want to come with me?
14:06Like I'd rather die.
14:07I was going to let you drive.
14:14You get stopped by the police.
14:15Just say I'm a diabetic and you're taking me home.
14:19Take the corner slowly now.
14:24Yes.
14:26Yes.
14:28That's dreadful.
14:29Boy, that's good, that is.
14:32You know, if you're going to sell this in a couple of years,
14:35you could give it to me instead.
14:36Oh, I like that.
14:37Give you a car for nothing.
14:38Could do.
14:39I was 19 before I had a car.
14:41I was going out with this bloke called Jimmy Moran.
14:44I'd drive him home.
14:45Couldn't get rid of him.
14:47He'd snog me at his three o'clock in the morning.
14:49Shut up.
14:49Great little lips.
14:50It was like kissing an arm back.
14:51I don't want to know.
14:52Works at the Midland now.
14:53Nathan, have you got a boyfriend?
14:55I'm not really asking.
14:56You don't have to say it, but...
14:58I'm not Daffy, love.
15:01You're out at night.
15:02You're not round at Donner's.
15:03And I'm not having a go.
15:04I'm just saying...
15:06You're 15 years old.
15:08That's what I'm worried about.
15:09You're 15.
15:11I don't know where you're going.
15:13I don't know what you're doing.
15:14I'm not doing anything.
15:15You're all right.
15:15I'm not.
15:16I don't mind.
15:17I'm just saying.
15:18It's not about being gay.
15:19I'm not all right.
15:22Okay, that's enough.
15:23Pull in.
15:26It's all from Stuart.
15:34Yay!
15:37Oh, my God.
15:38It's non-stop, would you?
15:39You like a novel?
15:41Can't you get out?
15:42I can't.
15:43I've hurt the amp.
15:45What are you going to do?
15:46You'll have to tell her about Stuart.
15:48I can't.
15:49You'll have to.
15:50She knows.
15:50I can't.
15:51You'll have to.
15:52I can do what I like.
15:54I'm Mozart.
15:55I'm fucking Mozart.
15:57I can do what I like.
15:59I can do what I like.
16:18What if someone sees us?
16:20It's a dead man's house.
16:22People come and go from a dead man's house
16:24People just think, oh that's something to do with the dead man
16:27Which it is
16:31Shit, it's alright, I'll shoot it down
16:55People should die more often
16:57If it has this effect on you
16:59Meaning?
17:01Well it's nice of you
17:03Didn't think you cared about your shags
17:06You did the videos, so I'll do the rest
17:08She knows she's gay
17:09She's always known
17:10Yeah, but imagine you're dead
17:13And your mother goes through your stuff
17:14Goes through your porno stash
17:16I mean, do you really want her seeing that?
17:17Well, not your mother
17:20A normal mother
17:24Poor bastard
17:26I was thinking
17:27I'll get a spare set of keys for the flat
17:30So you could have them
17:33Come and save me, Vince
17:35Yeah?
17:36You can have a set of mine
17:37Yeah, like anything's gonna happen to you
17:40Right, porn
17:43I told you, he was a crap shag
17:44Came in two seconds flat
18:03Oh no, you don't
18:05Sorry, do you know where Stuart Jones is?
18:07Listen
18:07Peace and quiet
18:08He's not in
18:10A blissful day
18:18Gay man's legacy
18:20That's what we leave behind
18:21A pile of trash
18:23He had pictures of children
18:26Some of them
18:26Are babies
18:28It's really disgusting
18:31Ha ha
18:35Well, he could have done
18:38That would have been so brilliant
18:41Tell you what I did find, though
18:43Now don't take this the wrong way
18:47What?
18:48Well, it's you
18:51He's got these photos of you
18:53About three dozen of them
18:54Just hidden away with all this stuff
18:56Just photos of you
18:57Having a laugh
18:58Or in the pub
18:59But, like, dozens of them
19:01He hasn't
19:02Of course he bloody hasn't, you twat
19:06Piss off
19:07As a matter of fact
19:08I'm dead good looking
19:09I was told
19:11Well, you are
19:16Oh
19:19Come on, let's go
19:26Presents from Phil
19:27There you go
19:28Power tool one
19:29See what you're missing
19:36It was great, you know
19:37Good buffet
19:39It's all right, Stuart
19:40You're allowed to be sad
19:42I won't tell anyone
19:43You're still a bastard, though
19:44Dying
19:46I mean, we've got enough funerals
19:47I don't need reminding
19:4817 weeks and I'm 30
19:50I'm dying in front of everyone
19:52What about that boy
19:53That student you had on Monday
19:54How old was he?
19:5621
19:56There you are
19:57You're 21
19:58You're as young as who you feel
20:00Isn't that the point?
20:02Monday
20:02What happened to me?
20:04Fighting off that bloke with the leg
20:06Another shit night
20:08Cos we're getting older
20:09And there's nothing to stop us
20:10So we don't
20:11Never bloody stop
20:13I'll still be there when I'm 60
20:15Walking down Canal Street
20:16Knocking back Viagra
20:17And I'll be chasing after you
20:19Pathetic
20:20I think it's brilliant
20:21I want to die shagging
20:24Yeah
20:25I filled it down
20:27You're my love
20:29You're my night
20:31And I'm here
20:35You're my love
20:36You're my friend
20:37I pray
20:41If I leave
20:53Don't look until ten
20:54No
20:54I just need to renew my membership
20:55Okay, what's your name?
20:57Bernard Thomas
21:00That's two quid, please
21:02Get off you little bastard
21:05Aye, aye Bernie
21:22One of yours
21:31Hi
21:32Yeah, we're just about to go
21:35Who did?
21:37He's done what?
21:40What?
21:49Mom
21:50I'm happy
21:50You're my happy
21:52You're my happy
22:08You're my happy
22:17How the fuck did she know my name?
22:19It's Donna, she's always talking.
22:21I never said.
22:22Nathan, you have made a big mistake.
22:24You've actually imagined that I give a shit.
22:26So why don't you just run off to your nice little schoolboy life, will you?
22:29And stop bothering the rest of us.
22:31I can't, because me mum told me dad and he was furious.
22:34He was shouting, he said get out.
22:35He called me a puff and he threw me out of the house.
22:37I can't go back, he let me.
22:38He won't, because I'll tell him.
22:40I'll get the police on him.
22:41I'll tell him myself, where do you live?
22:43I'm not saying.
22:45What's he saying?
22:46Maloney.
22:47Right, I'll go through every Maloney in a book till I find him.
22:50It's not me dad, it was at school, it was these boys at school.
22:53They said they'd kill me, I can't go back, they're going to kill me.
22:56He can't believe a word he says.
22:58I could stay at yours.
23:00No.
23:01It's your fault, it's all because of you, this.
23:03You chose me and I'm not going back.
23:06I'll go to London.
23:07I'll go tonight, I'll live on the streets, I'll be a red boy and I'll be murdered.
23:11I will.
23:13You know you're getting older when the drama queens start looking younger.
23:17Can't stay here then, just for tonight?
23:20He's stupid enough.
23:21He could run off.
23:22Christ, does that mean I'm sleeping with you?
23:47You do it.
23:51You do it. It's your problem.
23:56Fuck off, Vince.
24:04I'm going for a piss.
24:06We should phone his mother. She must be frantic.
24:08I mean, what if he's lying now? What if he is in danger?
24:11He's a cock. That's all it is. Cock.
24:14Thanks for that, Bernie.
24:16Fifteen and your mother finds out. It's not gay. It's not homosexual.
24:21It's cock. Your mother knows you like cock.
24:28Fair dues. It is revolting.
24:44Is that you?
24:52Young.
25:08How old are you there?
25:11Young.
25:12Young.
25:13Young.
25:21Young.
25:24Young.
25:25Young.
25:27Young.
25:28Young.
25:38Young.
25:39Oh, my God.
26:11uh
26:27okay
27:00As soon as he's settled, he's sitting down.
27:02He's given us the number.
27:03I'll talk to her.
27:04What are you doing tonight, Nuff?
27:06Nothing.
27:07Why?
27:07I won't shift him tonight.
27:09Clever look up.
27:10I'll get him.
27:11Yeah, well, if we can get him home tonight, you're coming with me.
27:13I'm not going on me own.
27:14His dad might be Andy, for all we know.
27:16Take him.
27:16It's his fault.
27:18I'll give it a rest.
27:19Well, I can't take Bernie, can I?
27:21It is their son.
27:23I mean, picture me standing there, schoolboy on one side, Bernie on the other.
27:25What are they going to think?
27:27Dirty old man.
27:28Chance would be a fine thing.
27:30And he'd say something like that.
27:31All we need.
27:35What do you want?
27:37Can I have a towel?
27:39Hang on.
27:45Nice room.
27:46Thanks.
27:49It was a funeral.
27:51Because you didn't even ask.
27:53Do you think we're wearing black because it's the fashion?
27:55It was Phil.
27:57You met Phil?
27:59Yeah.
28:00Well, he's dead.
28:03Sorry?
28:04Is that it?
28:05Sorry?
28:06Didn't really know him.
28:08Just had a drink with him.
28:11There you go.
28:12Thanks.
28:14Better clean up.
28:19So, is that all right, Vince?
28:21If you come with me?
28:23Well, it's got to be me.
28:24It's his problem.
28:26It's his fault.
28:27That's asking for trouble.
28:29Turning up on the doorstep with Manchester's champion Shaggar.
28:32Right.
28:32So, I'm all right.
28:33Because I'm harmless.
28:34We haven't even made the call yet, so God knows what's going to happen.
28:37Where are you going?
28:38I've left some stuff in the jeep.
28:47Vince!
28:54Vince!
29:14What are you doing?
29:15Hey.
29:16I'm talking to you.
29:17Where are you going?
29:19Look, get in the car.
29:20I'll give you a left.
29:21I'll take you home.
29:23Look, we go out.
29:23We go for a drink.
29:24We go to mine.
29:25Whatever you want.
29:26You know?
29:26Whatever you want.
29:29All right, yeah.
29:30Just fuck off then, you know?
29:31I'm going.
29:33Fuck off.
29:35Please, just get in the car, will ya?
29:51I'll give you a rest.
29:54I'll give you a Heil.
29:56I'll give you a bottle of money.
29:56I'll give you a bottle of wine.
30:03I'll give you a bottle of wine.