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00:05The
00:06thing about Alexander, he's a bit camp.
00:08But he's nice. Mind you,
00:10saying he's a bit camp is like saying Hitler's
00:12a bit naughty. But he's nice.
00:13You'll like him. And he's been single
00:16for ages. He's dying for a boyfriend.
00:18Just ignore the voice.
00:20And the volume.
00:21And don't get him drunk. And if he does get drunk,
00:24run for the hills. Hiya!
00:25Oh, hiya!
00:28Look, this is me suit.
00:30100 quid bargain. Miss Cork's wardrobe by
00:32Camisoli. Vince.
00:35Ooh, you look dreadful.
00:37This is Phil.
00:38Alexander. Dane. Dane Alexander.
00:41Phil. Hiya.
00:42Hiya. Vince, nice handbag.
00:44This is Alfred, so it's no smoking.
00:46Oh, he's a little baby Stuart.
00:49But I'm infertile.
00:51Phil's the one I told you about.
00:52He's the one met David Beckham.
00:54Oh, hey, come here.
00:55This is Lee in a beautiful cheekbones.
00:58Lee, this is Vince.
00:59And what was it? Phil.
01:01Vince and Phil.
01:03He said he's got money here.
01:06Perfect boyfriend. Shags like a rabbit.
01:07Can't understand a word I'm saying.
01:10It's a love job. We met in the club.
01:12What club? Mile high.
01:19Can't you get rid of them?
01:20You invited them.
01:22I was drunk.
01:23Can't they stay with you?
01:24I've only got one bedroom.
01:26Tell them I'm busy or something.
01:27Tell them yourself. I'm taking Alfred to the lesbian.
01:33The man phones are back the roof to them.
01:35The only day I can get time off is Thursday or you don't see them on Friday, alright?
01:38Nathan? Yeah?
01:40Thursday or Friday, got that?
01:42Helen, don't worry about that. It's not for you.
01:44Come on, party time.
01:46Sure. When do you shrink me down?
01:48Bye!
01:48Shrink you out? Who is this guy?
01:51Hey, you okay in there, boys?
01:52Yeah, I guess.
01:56Am I there yet?
01:58A little further.
02:00Yeah, hi.
02:01This is Stuart Jones.
02:03I'm sorry.
02:04Stuart's got this taxi account.
02:05He said use it.
02:07I've been all around.
02:08I went to that pen shop in Heaton Moor.
02:10It's all on him.
02:11God.
02:12He must really love you.
02:14How much have you spent?
02:16Like it says.
02:171740.
02:18You what?
02:18I thought that was the time.
02:22You're gonna see your mummy.
02:24Hiya.
02:26You've got Canada Dry, Stuart.
02:28There's a bottle by the fridge.
02:29There is.
02:30Alright.
02:30I'll go to the office.
02:33Did he spend a single second with his own son?
02:35He left him with you, didn't he?
02:37I've gotta go.
02:38Thanks, Vince.
02:39You're more of a father than he is.
02:42What?
02:43Who the fuck's drinking pot?
02:45One, two, three!
02:47He said he gave me money.
02:48He said he gave me money.
02:51He said he gave me money.
02:51He said he gave me money.
02:53He said he gave me money.
02:56He said he gave me money.
02:57He said he gave me money.
02:58You're saying the same thing.
02:59Right.
02:59He's a bit mad.
03:00Put Stuart back on.
03:02Stuart, okay?
03:04Tokyo, New York.
03:06I'm gonna be fine.
03:07So?
03:08I'm fed up in this.
03:09It's a Saturday and you dragged me into work.
03:10Anyway, right.
03:11This locally is like a prostitute.
03:14He wants Alexander to pay him.
03:15He's having sex for money.
03:18What's that mean?
03:19He keeps on saying carne.
03:21So what's carne?
03:22What's carne?
03:23Money.
03:24Money.
03:26It's Japanese for love.
03:27He's completely in love with you.
03:30Bless.
03:36Can you pull in, please?
03:37What is it?
03:39It's her.
03:39That's Romy.
03:40She's the mother.
03:41And she's a lesbian.
03:42She's a lesbian and she's a mother.
03:43She's a lesbian mother.
03:45That's her.
03:49We have to unpack everything.
03:51It's looking like a refugee camp in here.
03:52I found it.
03:53This is the one.
03:54Ooh, fab.
03:55Christ, do we have to?
03:56Oh, shut your face, Dane.
03:57Get the Kleenex.
04:02Which end's her feet?
04:03This end.
04:05There's so many flowers on the coffin you can't tell.
04:07It's this end.
04:08I met her once.
04:10At this charity thing.
04:12But if it's this end, they carried her in feet first.
04:15You'd go head first, royalty.
04:17I'd like to think that at the moment she died, her entire life flashed before her and
04:22she caught a little glimpse of me.
04:24Oh, fast forward.
04:25Let's have a look at Elton's eyebrow.
04:27Oh, my God.
04:31So if that's his kid and he's your boyfriend, that makes you sort of stepfather.
04:39My gorgeous stepfather.
04:43Why don't we just go and say hello?
04:53What?
04:54He finished with me.
04:57I looked a complete mong.
05:00I laughed in the face.
05:02My boyfriend dumped me.
05:04I didn't sit round moping.
05:06I went straight out looking for the next one.
05:09What boyfriend?
05:11He was in infant school.
05:16Use the canal street.
05:18It'll be chock-a-block.
05:19You're that nice looking, you'll find a bloke no time.
05:23Would they let me in?
05:25Of course I would, yeah.
05:26There you are.
05:27I'll come here.
05:29I'm not pretending I'm a lesbo, mate.
05:32I seen Kate Moss on that advert.
05:34I felt nothing.
05:35He'll be there.
05:36Laughing.
05:40Go on, prove it.
05:41It's absolutely true.
05:42What's it called?
05:43It's like a muscle.
05:44The ejaculation muscle.
05:45Like any muscle, it gets worn out.
05:47So like, when you're 20, you can shoot it over your shoulder.
05:50But 30, you're lucky if it fills your belly button.
05:52Oh my God, that's true.
05:54We're so old, I can still get it over my shoulder.
05:57Yeah, well that's an athlete's muscle.
05:58Sorry.
05:59I read this thing in Attitude.
06:00On the problem page, it says, is there any way to make your cock bigger?
06:04As if.
06:05But the answer says, just lose weight.
06:08No.
06:08But every 30 pounds, you gain one inch.
06:11A whole inch for 30 pounds of fat.
06:14Mmm.
06:15Anyone for desserts?
06:17No.
06:17Thanks.
06:19I snogged a woman once.
06:20It was like kids in the body shop.
06:23Pity though, I've been saying for ages about you and Alexander, then he turns up with Fu Manchu.
06:29Dane's quite nice.
06:30Oh, do you think?
06:31And he's rich.
06:32Is he?
06:33Worth a try, Phil.
06:34No, I don't stand a chance.
06:36He's all tight t-shirts and thin.
06:37I'm eating for two.
06:39No chance.
06:40Is Dane the one to shag Stuart and wet the bed?
06:42No.
06:43That was David.
06:44Damp David.
06:46Would you shag him?
06:47Stuart?
06:48Oh, get off.
06:49Imagine the next morning.
06:51We won't be able to look at each other.
06:52What?
06:53Because you've had sex?
06:54Yeah.
06:55So having sex with someone means you can't look them in the eye?
06:58Can do.
07:00So this way you get to look at him all the time.
07:02Barney!
07:02How are ya?
07:03You've got a shirt.
07:04You should get an outside area.
07:04You can fix that.
07:06How you doing?
07:06How are you?
07:07How are you?
07:07How are you?
07:18It's on a cone.
07:22Thanks a lot.
07:27Matt.
07:28If there's blokes kissing right, don't stare.
07:31And if there's men that look like women, don't stare at them either.
07:34And if you see Stuart right, don't even look at him.
07:36That's if he's there.
07:37I mean, he won't be there.
07:38Probably.
07:39Just don't look.
07:53What do you think?
07:54Feeling lucky?
07:55Manchester.
07:56Dregs of humanity.
07:57Don't shag one of them.
07:58No.
07:59No, I suppose not.
08:01Jesus Christ.
08:02Look at that.
08:04Oh, it's getting me out of his ass wearing like a hat.
08:07Look at that.
08:08What a cool guy.
08:09I am what I am.
08:12And what I am needs no excuses.
08:16I deal my own dick.
08:19Sometimes the A, sometimes the two says.
08:22It's one life and there's no...
08:25Right, well, that's my night story.
08:26What are you luck gonna do?
08:27One life so it's time to open up and there's no place that lets anyone in.
08:31Cold security the bitches got free.
08:33Cards restrained her.
08:35Come on, put your arms around and pull them.
08:36Careful you'll start a rumor.
08:39You said don't look.
08:42It's not that nice anyway.
08:45I thought he was taller.
08:47He could do much better.
08:49It was later.
08:50Let's draw.
08:56Hello.
08:57Who the fuck are you?
08:59Who the fuck are you?
09:00Hey, so what are you like?
09:02Right.
09:03I'm a friend of Vince's.
09:04I was with him and me and him and Stuart in here the other night.
09:10I'm Nathan, this is Donna.
09:12Nathan, will you park yourself or shift yourself?
09:14He's spoiling the view.
09:15I've got ten quid on Stuart pulling that bloke before closing.
09:18Listen, Stuart doesn't have the copyright on Shaggy.
09:20Get in there first.
09:21I wouldn't stand a chance.
09:23Oh, shut up.
09:24If you could just see yourself.
09:26What is this?
09:27Have a go at Vince night?
09:31I don't believe it.
09:33Stuart.
09:34It's that Nathan.
09:35He's talking to my bloody mother.
09:37What's he doing?
09:38Nothing to do with me.
09:39It's always happening.
09:40I always get the shit.
09:41You shag him and he ends up stalking me.
09:43Jesus, leave him alone, will ya?
09:44He's alright.
09:46He's alright?
09:47He's alright?
09:48I beg your pardon?
09:50He's what?
09:50Zip it up, will ya?
09:53Fuck!
09:54Where's he gone?
09:55That's your fault, Vince.
10:00My God, Vince.
10:01What are you doing here?
10:03Hiya.
10:03I'm here with Lucy.
10:05She's getting married next week.
10:06Just to come down and have a look.
10:08What's it like in this place?
10:10Yeah, yeah.
10:10I'm just, erm, looking.
10:12It's the first time that I've ever...
10:14It's a bit of a shock, isn't it?
10:16All them pretty boys.
10:18You watch yourselves.
10:19I'll try and turn ya.
10:20Yeah, yeah.
10:21I'm sick of it, really.
10:22I've seen enough.
10:23Oh, come on.
10:24Have a drink with me.
10:25No, I'm...
10:26I'm going.
10:27Thanks.
10:28See you then.
10:37Work, brother.
10:39We're going.
10:39Leave outside.
10:41It's that bloody Rosalie.
10:42This place is getting so straight!
10:47Hang on.
10:54Excuse me.
10:55It's, er, Rosalie, yeah?
10:57Hiya.
10:58I'm a friend of Vince's.
10:59I just wanted to say, like...
11:00Every time they say you'll make it feel preservation
11:03It's what's really going on today
11:07Yeah, yeah
11:09They say I'm gonna turn loose
11:11All some times a day
11:13And I cannot turn loose
11:14And I just can't break away
11:16Yeah, yeah, yeah
11:18I'm home
11:19There's a school, right?
11:21They all go to this drug bar corner
11:22See you, love
11:23Like it's clever
11:23And they all sit there drinking cider like it's dead grown up
11:27They haven't got a clue
11:29They're dying, eh?
11:30Right, we'd better go
11:32I suppose they're all a clubbing
11:36Where does Vince go?
11:38Saturday night
11:39Spavlon
11:40Yeah, I might go there
11:42Got membership?
11:43Do you need membership?
11:46Ian
11:47Have it
11:48Keep it
11:49I'm sick of it
11:50If you ask, your name's Bernard Thomas
11:55Thank you
12:01What's your name?
12:02Bernard Thomas
12:03Date of birth, 1946
12:05Looking good, Bernard
12:06Eight quid
12:27I need more than a lot of love
12:30I need more than a lot of love
12:34I need more than a lot of love
12:37I need more than a lot of love
13:00Oh, I need more than a lot of love
13:05I need more than a lot of love
13:07I need more than a lot of love
13:09I need more than a lot of love
13:10I need more than a lot of love
13:11I need more than a lot of love
13:32Oh, nice.
13:33It's off Ricky Blake.
13:34He can get anything.
13:35He got me speed and all.
13:40And he got me episode three of Planet of the Daleks in colour.
13:43The BBC's on.
13:44He got that in black and white cos they burnt it.
13:46But Mickey Blake, you just have to ask.
13:48He said he can get me episode four of The Tenth Planet.
13:51Now, that's a classic.
13:52No one's seen it since 1966.
13:54There are no words for how sad you are.
13:58Nine, seven, five.
14:00Can I buy you a drink from three, seven, three?
14:02Go on, go find it.
14:03I'm not bothered.
14:05What, are you coming?
14:06Come on, innit?
14:09Three, seven, three might be our age.
14:12That stew is ancient.
14:15Come on.
14:24Good luck.
14:25Come on.
14:26Come on.
14:26Come on.
14:30Come on.
15:10Have you seen Lee anywhere? I've lost him. He's wandered off.
15:12No, he's not up there.
15:14Try over there. Come with us.
15:15If you can't speak English, you'll get lost.
15:42Yes!
15:43What's the Japanese for slut?
15:52Bastard fucking jab. I'm taking out economic sanctions, me. That yo-ji suit is going straight back. I'm copping off
15:58tonight if it kills me.
16:00Oh, yes!
16:06Oh, shit! He's back again. He really is stalking us. This is getting creepy.
16:13What, because he goes to Babylon on a Saturday night? Oh, yeah, that's so unusual.
16:16Oh, my God. There's a better one.
16:19In there in the silver top, blimey. Chance to be a fine thing.
16:26Sometimes you see these men. You can see them and you think, that's it. That's him.
16:31You don't even talk to him. You never see him again. He doesn't even know you exist.
16:36But you think about a man for the rest of your life.
16:38Oh, my God.
17:16Bastard
17:17He doesn't even have to try
17:26He's not
17:28He can't
17:29He can
17:46He's not having them both
17:49We don't understand
18:01What does he say to them?
18:03If we knew that
18:05If we knew the magic words
18:07What he says to them
18:08For all of us
18:58He cops off with anyone, that Stuart
19:00He'll be riddled
19:02You're better off without
19:03You saw him
19:04He's the best
19:06I've had the best
19:09Come on, let's go home
19:10Nah, let's get chips
19:14Taxi!
19:17Hey!
19:22Hey!
19:24Oh, sorry
19:25Was that yours?
19:27Dunno
19:27Oh, take it
19:30Saw you in Babylon
19:33Where are you going?
19:34Whittington
19:35So am I
19:38Go offs
19:56Okay
19:57Nice place
20:00What's this again?
20:01Fellowfield
20:01Yeah
20:03I don't know my way around yet
20:04I've only been here a couple of months
20:05I'm at the BBC
20:07Oh, doing what?
20:08The director on the travel show
20:09It's not bad
20:10I've just spent two weeks in South America
20:12With Duffy from Casualty
20:13Oh, fantastic
20:14Brilliant
20:15Oh my God
20:16Do you want a drink?
20:18Got a gin and tonic?
20:19Yep
20:19Sit yourself down
20:25Oh, for fuck's sake
20:27Stop your moaning
20:27If you fancy a threesome
20:28At this time of night
20:29You can't start getting choosy
20:30About which particular three
20:38We'll cope
20:39We can cope
20:40Just as long as we don't touch each other
20:42Never mind touching
20:43I don't want you even looking
20:45Well, I have to look
20:46I might end up sucking the wrong cock
20:48And don't you suck mine
20:49I have no intention
21:17Nice
21:25Well, you've done all right, haven't you?
21:27Yeah, well, I work from home
21:29So I like it to be nice
21:32Do you want a drink?
21:33Just water
21:38So what do you do then?
21:39Oh, it's boring really
21:41It's like editing
21:42It's this, um, project
21:44Coordinating market aspects
21:46Of third world debt
21:47Boring
21:50You don't mind, do you?
21:51It's good stuff
21:53No, fine
21:59So can I stay tonight?
22:01Yeah
22:03Right, um, water
22:07I'll have a beer
22:36I'm sorry, I've got to piss
22:38It's okay
22:49It's okay
22:49You're not going to believe this
22:51I copped off
22:52I copped off
22:53His name's Jonathan
22:53He's in the bathroom
22:54He's nice
22:55He's really nice
22:56He's nice looking and everything
22:58And he works in telly
23:00He's met Ruby Wax
23:01He's got a home telephone number
23:03And everything
23:04And he's not lying
23:05He's for real
23:06I'll phone you as soon as he's gone
23:07This is brilliant
23:08See ya
23:10Because you stitch the mouth up
23:12But the eye
23:13The eye opens
23:16The eye on a corpse falls open
23:19The relatives there in the chapel arrest
23:22They want dignity
23:23They don't want eyes open
23:26So you get this contact lens
23:28It's got spikes
23:30Sharp little spikes
23:31On the surface
23:33Put in the lens
23:34Slap down the eyelid
23:36Spikes dig in
23:38Sticks it shut
23:42Right
23:43I'll wash me knob
23:51He's Fred West
24:12I better warn you
24:15If you ever go to Brazil
24:17If you find yourself in Brazil
24:18And you're on the beach
24:19Sit on a towel
24:21Right
24:22Because I've got these things
24:23They've got these parasites
24:25That live in the sand
24:26And they burrow
24:26They burrow up through the sand
24:28And they sort of burrow themselves
24:29Into you
24:31I mean you can kill them
24:31With this ointment
24:32But it takes a while
24:33So
24:35So I've got Brazilian peach parasites
24:37Living in my arse
24:41Shall I get a taxi
24:45It's locked
24:46We're two floors up anyway
24:57Let's get on with it
24:58I'm burying a bride and groom at 10
24:59Yes
25:00I'll just bathroom
25:02Can I
25:02Hurry up then
25:14Let's get on with it
25:44I'm never going out again
25:45Ever
25:47Bastards
25:48All of them
25:49Not just bastards
25:50Diseased bastards
25:52Anyway
25:53I bet you're having a good time
25:55Give us a call
25:57Lots of love
26:10Go on
26:10Have a go
26:12You played for the taxi
26:15Yeah okay
26:16Jake's all at me
26:17He's top lad Jake
26:18Quality
26:20Good old Jake
26:26That's it
26:26That's it
26:28Yeah
26:35How's that?
26:36It's okay
26:37Yeah?
26:39Should do more than that
26:41If he sold me shit
26:44Let's get some water
26:46Whoa
27:12It's alright mate
27:14First time
27:15It's always like this
27:16What?
27:19It's alright mate
27:20It's alright
27:21Hey come here
27:22Hey
27:23What the fuck are you doing?
27:24What the fuck are you doing?
27:26Shit!
27:30Fuck
27:31Fuck
27:32Fuck
27:33Fuck
27:34Fuck
27:35Fuck
27:35Fuck
27:36Fuck
27:36Fuck
27:38Fuck
27:39Fuck
27:39Fuck
27:39Fuck
27:39Fuck
27:39Fuck
27:41Fuck
27:53Fuck
28:05It's not remotely funny, and you're all bastards.
28:07Oh, Dan, you're such a twat.
28:10And I swear, I cut like a baby's arm.
28:12He sprained his wrist, and I sprained my arse.
28:31Philip Delaney, where the fuck have you been?
28:34Is that Vince?
28:36Yeah, who's that?
28:38Sorry, that's Phil's number, isn't it?
28:40It's his mother.
28:41Oh, right, yeah.
28:43How are you?
28:44I thought, is Phil where?
28:47It's the phone.
28:48He's got numbers programmed into the phone.
28:50I thought I'd better start.
28:54There's nothing wrong, is there?
28:55They phoned me this morning.
28:57The police.
28:59What's happened?
29:02They're saying it was days ago.
29:07Oh, tonight.
29:09Oh, darn it.