- 2 days ago
Smoggie Queens - Season 2 Episode 2 - A Smoggie Date
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Short filmTranscript
00:01Oh, come on!
00:14How is it even possible you've never seen bargain hunts Stuart?
00:18We don't have a TV at home.
00:24What are you staring at?
00:26We're just not connecting with the words that just came out your mouth.
00:28We've just never had a TV in the house.
00:32My grandma didn't really...
00:34Sorry to interject you, but does that mean you've never watched Home and Away?
00:37Or The One Show?
00:39Or Four and a Bed?
00:40Or Undercover Boss?
00:41Or Robson Green's Weekend Escapes?
00:45Who the hell's that?
00:47It all makes sense now.
00:49That's why you come across as an unhinged sociopath.
00:53And probably explains why your skin's so flaky.
00:56I, uh...
00:57Yeah, I thought you were on your date tonight.
00:58Oh my God, it was an absolute disaster.
01:01What happened, chick?
01:02Well, when I turned up, I thought Hubba fucking Hubba.
01:05He was absolutely stunning.
01:07Jaw like a rugby ball.
01:08And so I thought to myself, here we go.
01:10This is the one.
01:10This is my prince.
01:11So what went wrong?
01:12He opened his mouth.
01:13Turns out he's just another creep.
01:16What is it about me that just attracts creeps?
01:18Hey, he's got nothing to do with you, chick.
01:20Hey, what happened to Carbinar and Neil?
01:22Well, he's not usually my type.
01:24But I thought to myself, no Lucinda, you always go for dickheads.
01:26So give this little weird lad a chance.
01:28Plus we've got a lot in common since we've both got PhDs in astrophysics.
01:31So I texted him the other day.
01:33He didn't reply.
01:35Proper ghosted me.
01:36You're joking, aren't you?
01:37Who ghosted you?
01:38Or a little ball bag?
01:41What the hell is wrong with me?
01:42Oi.
01:43You are an absolutely stunning, funny, sensational woman.
01:48And I don't want some arsehole creepy man to ever make you feel like you're not worth the world.
01:53Do you understand me?
01:55Do you understand me?
01:57Yes, ma'am.
01:58Good.
02:01You know what you need?
02:03Very good, Mother.
02:04Oh, my God, if only.
02:06Mmm.
02:07Right, chaps.
02:08I best be off.
02:09Well, I best be off as well.
02:11Got work in the morning.
02:13Oh!
02:15Excuse me, Stuart.
02:17Sorry.
02:18Sorry.
02:18Excuse me.
02:22How are we then, Sal?
02:22You come in.
02:23Ta-ra, chicks.
02:24Hey, we watching Bargain Hunt.
02:27Stuart's never seen it.
02:29What the actual fuck?
02:31What's wrong with you, Stuart?
02:34When I grow up, I'mma be a supermodel.
02:45And so, for everyone here at Teesside Revenue Insurance and Sales Handling.
02:51I'm pleased to inform you that the projected figures for this year are looking relatively promising.
02:57So, well done, Team Trish.
03:02Now, before you all start celebrating, there are a few recommendations that I think you're going to find quite interesting.
03:09How was your weekend?
03:11Are you still crying every second of every day after breaking up with Harrison?
03:14Do you know what, Moira? I'm not.
03:16I'm in a much better place.
03:18I think I can finally get that sweaty worthless little shit rag of a man out my mind and move
03:21on.
03:22Is that right here?
03:24Stop going round calling me a shit rag.
03:27We've got to analyse our own externals as well as everybody else's.
03:31I know you can hear me.
03:33Can you be quiet, please?
03:34Senor shit rag.
03:35Trying to listen to Marcus.
03:36He's got some very interesting points.
03:38By re-addressing the strategic proposals that the commission have set out.
03:42Any questions?
03:44Ah, yes, Elaine.
03:45I had a stack of orange post-its on my desk and now they're gone.
03:50Has anybody taken them?
03:54I think we can get you some more post-it notes, Elaine.
03:57Any other questions? No?
04:00Well, enjoy your days.
04:03Just before everybody shoots off, I just want to remind you all about my meeting for the LGBTQ Plus Network
04:10this afternoon.
04:11I need to get a sense of numbers, so if you could respond to the email I sent, that would
04:15be stunning.
04:16The only reply I've had so far is an out of office from Liz and she died two years ago.
04:31Hey, I've got to tell you this, Brenda, I completely put me foot in it the other day.
04:35You know Janine who works in Argos?
04:37Oh, yes.
04:38Well, she was in having her lashes tinted, she had something on her chin, looked like a big ol' bit
04:41of dry gravy.
04:42And if I had a big ol' bit of dry gravy on my chin and nobody told me, I'd be
04:46absolutely mortified.
04:48So I says, you've a bit of dry gravy on your chin, Janine.
04:50She says, nah hun, it's actually a verruca.
04:53I was so embarrassed.
04:54I thought you could only get verrucas on your feet.
04:57That's what I said.
04:58Apparently she's a medical marvel.
05:00I says, have you got some bazooka for that verruca, Janine?
05:01She says no, because she wants to keep it so she can try and get an interview and take a
05:06break.
05:07Oh, right.
05:09What are these onions meant to be doing then, Lucinda?
05:12They've got antioxidants in them hun, which may protect your cells against free radicals,
05:16which may play a role in heart disease, cancer and other diseases hun.
05:19Is it meant to be burning?
05:21I think that means it's working.
05:29I won't be a minute hun.
05:35Eee my god!
05:37Ahem.
05:38Your carriage awaits princess.
05:40What the hell is this?
05:41Well, I said you needed a fairy godmother to help you find your prince.
05:44Here I am.
05:46I've lined you up a couple of dates, and they're both absolute beauties.
05:51How are you, my lady?
05:52Climb aboard.
06:02Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo!
06:07Whee!
06:08Whee!
06:08Whee!
06:09Whee!
06:10Whee!
06:10Whee!
06:11Whee!
06:12Whee!
06:12Oi!
06:14How are you there?
06:16Big jump from the other end.
06:18A great effort, but that was a nice height of the people, wasn't it?
06:23What the fuck are you doing in there?
06:25I can't hear meself think I've had to put the subtitles on the telly.
06:28Just practising my audition song.
06:31What the frig are you auditioning for now?
06:33I thought you'd given up all that poncy shite
06:35after being rejected from that musical for the 74th time.
06:38What is it called again?
06:40I hadn't checked the musical.
06:41Fuck me, they'll make a musical out of any old shite these days.
06:44It's actually for a competition.
06:46I thought I might give it a go.
06:48Written a couple of new songs and I feel a bit more confident this time.
06:52Aw, babe, I'll wait, open your eyes.
06:55There's confidence, yeah, and then there's just downright delusion.
06:59And I'm only being honest with you, babe, because I love you
07:02and I don't want people laughing at you.
07:06Thanks, babe.
07:08Well, I'll try and keep it down.
07:10Lovely one there from Webster, right down the left-hand side, into the channel.
07:14And you hit a left foot rocket.
07:33What's the matter?
07:34I'm getting zero replies from a LGBTQ plus network meeting.
07:38It's probably pissing me off now.
07:40Please don't shout at me, madam.
07:42I know it's frustrating.
07:44I'm getting zero replies from a LGBTQ plus network meeting.
07:46Please don't call me, you useless Ted, cretin madam.
07:50And she's on.
07:52What was her beef, mate?
07:53Time of the month?
07:54Yeah, probably in my eyes.
07:55Guten Morgen, Harrison.
07:57Guten Morgen, Trevor.
07:58It's Trev.
07:59I'm just jotting down the names of people coming to my LGBTQ plus network meeting
08:02this afternoon and I've not had a reply from either of you,
08:05so can I pop you down as a yes?
08:07Nah, mate, sorry.
08:08Not into all of that woke bollocks.
08:11Plus, aren't you the only gay fella in the office?
08:13Eh?
08:13What about Trev?
08:15Harrison's literally sat opposite you and he's a proper little arse bandit.
08:19Are you gay, mate?
08:21I am, yeah, mate.
08:23Fuck me.
08:25I thought you were straight.
08:27Hey, fair play, mate.
08:28You hide it well.
08:29Oh.
08:30Cheers, fella.
08:31Fella?
08:32Hang on, didn't I see you kissing some fit blonde lass the other month?
08:35Oh, that fit blonde lass was me, actually, Trevair?
08:38Well, nah, mate.
08:39Sorry.
08:40You're never going to recruit me.
08:41I'm always going to be a vegetarian.
08:43Oh.
08:44No-one's trying to recruit you, Trevair.
08:46It's Trev.
08:47Harrison, popped a little girl tick next to your little girl name,
08:50so I'd better see you there, please.
08:53Here, Harris.
08:54Have you seen this one?
08:55It's Harrison.
08:56Harris.
08:57Right, watch.
08:58I'll get it over here.
08:59It's the one of the woman falling into the swimming pool.
09:01Ready?
09:02All right, here you go.
09:03All right.
09:05All right.
09:06All right.
09:07Oh, she gets her head on the ribs.
09:10And you say, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
09:11Oh, she's bleeding.
09:13Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
09:15Oh, it's great.
09:16Honestly.
09:18Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
09:20I'm a lamb, babs.
09:21You OK?
09:21Yeah.
09:24Moira, where did you get those post-its?
09:28The stationary cupboard.
09:30They look very similar to the ones that were on my desk.
09:37I guess some post-its do tend to look like other post-its.
09:47Hm.
09:51Don't you think Alain looks a little bit like Michelle Visage?
09:56I can't really see it, to be honest.
10:16Right, everyone, listen up.
10:17My name is Victor Starbright and I am the head judge at North East's Got Talent.
10:24Now, you're going to have to excuse the bags under my eyes
10:26because I've travelled from Newcastle to be here in the beautiful shithole
10:29that is Middlesbrough and the jet lag is kicking in.
10:32Now, as you all know, the winner of the competition gets a year's supply of ham.
10:37So bring your A-games.
10:44Is anyone sitting here?
10:46Erm, I wouldn't have thought so.
11:00So, what's your talent?
11:03Erm, singing and that.
11:06What about you?
11:07Playing guitar.
11:09And that.
11:10Right, which one of you thieving smoggy bastards has stolen my fountain pen?
11:15This is why I detest coming to Middlesbrough.
11:17You can't fart round here without someone nicking it.
11:21I...
11:21Oh.
11:22Oh, there it is.
11:37And then the log floon went down the steep bit and we got absolutely drenched.
11:42What about you, Stuart? Where did you lose your virginity?
11:46Well, I've not really had that much experience in the bedroom, to be honest, ma'am.
11:50I would have thought a good looking fella like yourself would be batting them off.
11:54I just...
11:55I haven't really been out the closet that long.
11:58In fact, I'm only really out to you guys.
12:01What about your parents?
12:03Oh, they died when I was younger.
12:05Sorry to hear that, chick.
12:06So I grew up with my grandma.
12:08She doesn't know?
12:09Nah.
12:10I wouldn't want to cause her any more stress.
12:13I'm just happier not knowing I'm gay.
12:17My eyes are up here, you pervert.
12:21What are you saying, Stuart?
12:24No way, that's so funny.
12:26I'm the same.
12:29The thing about me is I'm a family man, me like.
12:33Oh my God, me too.
12:34I think it's really important to find someone with strong family values.
12:39I just love my family.
12:40I do.
12:41So do I.
12:42I always go around to me mam's every Tuesday for a Sunday roast.
12:45She does cracking Yorkshire puds.
12:47Does she?
12:49Yeah, I do.
13:03Erm, who's had some of my grated cheese?
13:08Oh, sorry, I thought it was communal.
13:10What part of this label suggests it's communal, Gary?
13:14I'm on a very specific diet, Gary.
13:16And as part of said diet,
13:18the only thing I can eat between the hours of 12 and 2 is grated cheese.
13:21Do you want me to starve, Gary?
13:23Sorry, Dickie.
13:25I couldn't see the label.
13:27Just had me cat racks removed.
13:30Stop playing the victim, Gary!
13:32Do you think this milk is off?
13:36I think it's good for another day, are two babes.
13:39Hey, Elaine, are you coming to my LGBTQ plus network meeting later on?
13:43I would love that.
13:44But it's Fiona from HR's birthday and she brought in a caterpillar cake.
13:48So...
13:49Enjoy it.
13:53Simon!
13:54Are you coming to my LGBTQ plus network meeting later on?
14:04What nosey eating posture.
14:07It's a no today, sweetheart, but...
14:12Thanks for coming in.
14:14Didn't want your hammer anyway.
14:17Fuck me, these Middlesbrough contestants.
14:19They're worse than they usually are.
14:23Afraid of fucking Carlo as I live and fucking breathe.
14:29What are you looking for, sweetheart?
14:32Your tweezers?
14:34I thought...
14:35It said they'd be a pianist.
14:38Unfortunately, our pianist had a dodgy curry last night.
14:41It's coming out of both ends, apparently.
14:44So, unless you brought her back in track, you're gonna have to go a cappella, I'm afraid.
14:50Ahem.
14:52Behind...
14:53I just don't think she looks like a star.
14:56She only said three words.
14:58It's a no today, sweetheart. Thanks for coming in.
15:01Howe, lads. Give us a chance.
15:02It sounds much better with a backing track, I promise you.
15:06Unfortunately, there's no way of us knowing that, is there, Gorgeous?
15:09Because you haven't got a backing track.
15:11I've got the sheet music.
15:12Yeah, and like I've just said, the woman who reads the sheets has got the chits.
15:15So where does that leave us, Gorgeous?
15:18I could play it on my guitar.
15:19Oh, God, here's another one stuck her forehead in a bowl of slugs.
15:23You don't have to do that, mate.
15:24It's okay, I don't mind.
15:25Alright, nice, lovely. Get on with it, will you?
15:51Behind picket fences
15:54On cul-de-sac roads
15:58That dampened your spirit
16:01For why you just didn't know
16:05Thank you!
16:08She just doesn't look like a star. I am looking for the whole package.
16:13We're gonna have to put somebody through to the next round.
16:16You said no to everyone so far.
16:18Fine!
16:19Fine!
16:22Okay, well, you're through to the judges' houses.
16:26Yes, thanks, mate.
16:28Next!
16:35Stop doing that, it looks terrible.
16:41Employees of Trish, welcome to the first ever LGBTQ plus network meeting!
16:49Please, put your hands together for Dickie!
16:54Fuck's sake.
17:12Sorry, Dickie, have I got the right time?
17:13Yeah, Humbert, no bugger shown.
17:15I'm just gonna cancel the whole bloody network, there's no point.
17:18That'd be such a shame.
17:24Actually, Dickie, do you mind if I ask you something?
17:27Yeah, of course, hon.
17:28It's about me son, Ollie.
17:30What it is, is...
17:31Well, I walked in on him the other day, and he was watching something on his iPad.
17:36Right.
17:37What was it?
17:39No.
17:40No, maybe I shouldn't say it, and it doesn't...
17:41Oi, Marcus, you can't do that to me.
17:43Give us the goss.
17:44Or did you catch a little pervert watching?
17:46Oh, thanks.
17:50It was...
17:52Well, it was Elaine Page's Top 40 Greatest Musical Performances.
17:55It was seven and a half hours long.
17:57Oh, I see.
18:00And I found this under his bed.
18:03And, you know, I'm thinking he might be...
18:06Well, not necessarily babes.
18:08And I caught him kissing a boy.
18:09Ah.
18:10Right.
18:12That certainly sounds like non-heterosexual behaviour, so...
18:16Right.
18:17Okay.
18:18Yeah, sure.
18:19Just one more question.
18:21Mm-hmm.
18:23What do I do?
18:25You know what, Marcus?
18:27I've got the perfect thing for a situation like this.
18:29I'll bring it over to you on my next fag break.
18:31I didn't know you smoked.
18:33I don't.
18:34Ned!
18:37I don't really know what to say, mate.
18:39Ah, you don't need to say anything.
18:41I was happy to help.
18:42Did you write that song yourself?
18:44Yeah, I did. Aye.
18:46It's really beautiful.
18:49Just like you.
18:54Er...
18:56I'll see you soon if he asks for judges' houses.
19:05It's all right, then.
19:25Here you go, ma'am.
19:27I still can't get over the size of Carl Schlong.
19:32Have you ever seen one that big, Stuart?
19:34Hey.
19:36Don't think I have.
19:38Ah.
19:39Isn't nature marvellous?
19:45How old were you when you came out, ma'am?
19:48Too old, chick.
19:49I don't regret much in life,
19:51but one thing I'll never forgive myself for
19:53is coming out so late.
19:55It's fucking hard living as someone else for that long.
19:59I'll tell you what, though, chick.
20:00I'm making up for lost frigging time now.
20:03Oh.
20:10And so I was laser-removing this woman's moustache hair
20:13and the poor last sneezed
20:15and I zapped off half-fried brow as well.
20:17That sounds like a hairy situation.
20:21So what is it that you do for work?
20:23Well, actually, I'm a dentist.
20:25Hey, no way.
20:27So do you just walk around dredging people's teeth?
20:29I suppose I probably do subconsciously.
20:32I will say, though, you have very beautiful teeth.
20:35Oh, thank you very much.
20:37I grew with meself.
20:40You're not going to believe this,
20:41but Carl the Horse is pissing on the exact spot
20:45where I had my first ever kiss.
20:48Where'd your first kiss from? The back of Quickfet?
20:51Oh, well, back in the day, chick.
20:53This was all farmland.
21:03I don't suppose you fancy going for a drink after this.
21:07I would absolutely love that.
21:10But I've got to get back to me girlfriend.
21:12She's cooking me tagliatelle tonight.
21:36Right, Marcus.
21:37I've thrown a few bits and pieces together,
21:40so I can have a flick through and see if any of it's helpful.
21:43You'll see that the first few pages are the lyrics to some well-known songs from musicals
21:47in case he's having a little sing song and you fancy joining in.
21:50Then we got into the heavier stuff.
21:52I've written a few scripts of how to react when he comes out to you.
21:55I'll always love you no matter what.
21:56That kind of thing.
21:57You don't have to use them, but they're there for reference.
22:01Then towards the end, you'll see I've popped in a list of gay bars and clubs
22:04in case you fancy taking him for a pint and poppers.
22:06How old is he again?
22:08Fifteen.
22:09You might want to keep that one aside for a couple of years.
22:13Dickie, I don't know what to say.
22:16This is so kind of you.
22:18Don't be daft, babe.
22:19I'm only doing my job.
22:20Your job is actually revenue, insurance and sales handling.
22:22You do know that, don't you?
22:24Yeah, of course.
22:28I do appreciate this, though.
22:32And do you know what?
22:33I don't think you should give up on the network.
22:35Well, we'll see.
22:38Right.
22:40Better get back to that revenue insurance and scaly hands.
22:43It's sales handling.
22:45What is?
22:58I just can't be arsed any more, hon.
23:01I feel like I'm wasting my time.
23:03I think maybe I should just admit defeat.
23:08You know, Lucinda, the one thing I've learnt about you in the short time I've known you is that you
23:14radiate a pure love.
23:17You're essentially like a love radiator and your thermostat is constantly on high.
23:24There's no doubt in my mind somebody special will come and warm his hands on you soon.
23:29You have a lovely way of words, Stuart.
23:37Can I ask you a question?
23:39Of course you can, hon.
23:41Do you really have a PhD in astrophysics?
23:44Yeah, hon.
23:45I'm completely obsessed with cosmological gravitational radiation and the phenomenology of the early universe.
23:56See you later, sweetheart.
24:01Does he normally talk to you like that?
24:03Oh, I get it all the time, babes.
24:06It's part of the course, unfortunately.
24:08You shouldn't have to deal with it.
24:09Oh, don't worry about me.
24:11I've dealt with far worse than that big old barrel of bin juice.
24:14Well, listen, if you need anything for your gay network, you just let me know, OK?
24:18Oh.
24:19Cheers, Marcus.
24:25You OK, babes?
24:28I'm just a bit anxious about our Ollie.
24:31I don't want him to be treated any differently when he comes out.
24:34He hasn't got the strength that you've got.
24:37I just want him to have a normal life.
24:40What is normal, anyway?
24:42I'd say that us queers are very normal.
24:45We're the same as you in many ways.
24:47We get up and get dressed, just like you.
24:51We have our breakfast.
24:52Jam roly-poly with toasty soldiers, just like you.
24:56We go to work, just like you, and then we come home and have our dinners.
24:59Jam roly-poly with gravy, just like you.
25:03I know you've probably got some wild ideas about what we get up to outside of work, Marcus,
25:07but I can assure you we live very normal.
25:11Boring lives.
25:13Just like you.
25:16Oh.
25:17My ride's here, so.
25:19Ta-ra.
25:24See you tomorrow, Marcus.
25:31Yeah.
25:32Woo-hoo!
25:33Yeah!
25:34I'm buzzing for you getting through to judges' houses, Sal!
25:37Chase, babe.
25:38Through Cinder.
25:39Is that Neil?
25:41Oh, for fuck's sake.
25:43That's all I need.
25:44Cinder!
25:45Piss off, Carbonari.
25:46You had your chance with her.
25:48I need to speak to you.
25:49Well, I don't want to speak to you, hon.
25:51On your way.
25:52You heard the lady.
25:53On your way.
25:54Oh, please.
25:56On your way, Neil.
25:57My shoe!
25:58You ghosted me, Neil.
26:00No more chances.
26:01Look, can you please stop throwing shoes at me?
26:03I can explain everything.
26:05I swear down, I didn't mean to ghost you.
26:07I dropped my phone when I was skydiving.
26:10No offence, Neil, but that sounds like a bare-faced lie.
26:13No, I'm being serious.
26:15Look.
26:16Oh, wow.
26:17Oh, my God.
26:19That's crazy, isn't that?
26:20That could have texted you.
26:22I would have asked if he wanted to maybe finish that date we started.
26:28Finish our conversation about how gamma radiation can affect intraocular cellular proliferation.
26:33Bloody hell, Neil.
26:34Can you put it in your pants?
26:52It fits.
26:56I suppose so.
26:57Yay!
27:02I will just say this though, Neil.
27:04If you ever hurt our Lucinda in any way, we will slice you up into pieces like an onion.
27:14Are we clear?
27:18Yeah.
27:19Yeah, of course.
27:21Onion?
27:22Oh, my God, Brenda.
27:28I wouldn't mind a cup of tea if there's one going, Lucinda.
27:32Okay, Chad I have.
27:35See you on me right here.
27:42And I still love you all for saying.
27:49Yeah.
27:50Yeah.
27:51Yeah.
27:51I can't love you like you want me to but I still love you all for saying...
27:58Yeah.
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