- 4 hours ago
Urzila - Season 1 Episode 6
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:08Hey, what the hell?
00:13I'm going to punch your tits in.
00:16What?
00:16I'm going to punch your tits in.
00:20Punch my tits in?
00:22That's not a good thread at all.
00:24What does that mean?
00:25Punch them in where?
00:26There's already a lot in.
00:28Like this whole bit.
00:29It is in.
00:30Maybe she means she'll punch them in even further?
00:34So they're poking through my back?
00:35Is that it?
00:38That threat makes no sense.
00:40Are you not listening?
00:40I'm going to punch your tits in.
00:42I need a threat that makes sense.
00:43Like, I'm going to smack you so hard you'll wear your snot like a scarf.
00:48That's good.
00:49Right?
00:49Snot like a scarf?
00:50You're picturing it.
00:51I'm sorry.
00:52I get it.
00:52Oh, thank you.
00:53I'm really sorry about that.
00:54Pick your shit up.
00:55I'm sorry.
00:56Thanks, mate.
00:56You have a good one.
01:00Ooh.
01:01Ooh.
01:02Ooh.
01:03Ooh.
01:04Ooh.
01:05Ooh.
01:16You know, I don't know a lot of stuff, but I know
01:18I don't like exercise and that I've baked my last cupcake for school like I would still recreationally
01:24bake a cupcake but schools and fundraisers by March this year so the school starts in February
01:30by March we already had three bake sales at our school I went to the principal I said sorry what
01:35shit is this what are we fundraising for why do we keep doing bake sales and she goes oh we
01:41need
01:41a shade net for the playground I said and how much money are you hoping to make she goes $300
01:46I'll give them money right now okay I said I can go buy the shade net I'll come back with
01:53a ladder
01:54I've got to try I'll just put it up and she goes no we must work together and it's not
02:01even the
02:02fundraising that is that I'm against it's when you find out about those cupcakes now I'll give my kids
02:08my kids credit like I normally the night before at about 11 o'clock when I've been trying to put
02:14that
02:14little shit head in bed so many times I put them and they come I'm thirsty I'm hungry I have
02:20made a
02:21lasagna at this stage and this keeps getting out of bed and by 11 o'clock comes out with a
02:26piece of
02:27paper that's all tatty and it's wet it's always wet anything that comes out of their school bag is wet
02:33this is the instructions for the cupcakes oh you need 300 cupcakes by morning this is fantastic
02:39I don't even mind making the 300 cupcakes but how do you transport 300 cupcakes because you can't stack them
02:45can you
02:46no now I'm looking for a tupperware that's 12 meters or 8 meters wide and a car to transport that
02:52kind of shit
02:54you flip that pamphlet over and on the back there's roughly 20 things that you're not allowed to put in
02:59the cupcakes
03:00that's right because these little shits are allergic to everything now there are kids who's allergic to chocolate
03:06give up
03:09that's it give up there's no hope for you and it's not these kids fault that they have all these
03:14allergies
03:15it's our fault do you remember when you were a kid who had kids that went to school with them
03:20with allergies
03:21exactly do you know why because our parents knew how to fuck
03:28they made decent human beings it's our fault we're making substandard people
03:35none of these kids can eat nuts because we've been eating so much crap when we were kids your fingers
03:42were always orange do you remember the chips we used to eat them for three days you just have orange
03:46hands
03:47and now we all have fertility issues so now we all have to go through IVF that's why these kids
03:52are
03:53allergic to nuts because they've never been near a pair
04:02Nut free gluten free sugar free yuck this isn't sweet at all I think you'll find it is sweet sweet
04:09potato that is
04:10um okay sorry do you have anything with um with real sugar in it no sugar is poison no nuts
04:19no gluten no sugar
04:20hmm no taste
04:24pfft hey you want the real sugar treats come on cooks when cooking
04:30gluten free and sugar for you
04:35welcome to the tuck shop oh nice set up
04:45I've been blackmailing the janitor with photos of him and the home ec teacher
04:48so I got keys to the kingdom thank you my friend hey ladies are we still running a full purity
04:5595% sucrose boss love to hear it love to hear it good stuff it's tight mate you know in
05:01here this is where we make the canteen food out there they've got
05:04carrot sticks and kinma slices up in here you see we've got the sours here got some marshmallows full sugar
05:10popcorn the snakes jelly beans
05:13rainbow strips because we're pro-homosexual we have caramel vanilla every flavor you can think of we've got it in
05:20there
05:20this is incredible whoa hey hey rookie you want to go ahead and pace yourself here this stuff is pure
05:28that thing's going to hit you and before you know you're going to be bouncing off the walls like you're
05:33at your year nine camp getting finger banged for the first time hey that happened in year eight hold on
05:38yeah what are these
05:44do you inject these no
05:49play a little tune on them
06:01i'm like the pied piper for sugar addicts how'd you get those in actually lynn here brought 14 of
06:08these boxes over for us in her anal cavity that tastes a bit gary till you lick them a few
06:12times and
06:12they're all good oh yeah on the nose yeah i can see a seed on that one lynn she's a
06:16trooper i do
06:18actually want to talk to you about something because i can see a lot of myself in you
06:21and i need someone to run the operation over at boy scout hall and i think that can be you
06:26oh tell me you can do it yeah yeah you keen yes yes yes yes
06:36this is a raid nobody move you sick me i didn't i would you did you sick me up i
06:44did not
06:50oh my name's not lynn it's glenn how could i have been so blind 95% sucrose huh mind if
07:01i
07:01did the tip i wouldn't oh is that chemicals yeah it's real drugs it was a mix-up at the
07:10port
07:10That was disgusting.
07:12I've got to pick up Abigail from gymnastics.
07:14Get her out of here.
07:16Well, you're cooked, sweetie.
07:17You're on drugs now.
07:19I've got a whole brick in my asshole.
07:23But you shouldn't worry about your nipples.
07:25She's got great nipples.
07:26Oh, really?
07:26Yes.
07:27Play your cards right and you'll see.
07:29I'm being rude.
07:31That was fun.
07:33Yeah, so good.
07:34Yeah.
07:34More fun to see.
07:35You're beyond the point.
07:36Can't believe I'm going out with two women.
07:38It's always been a fantasy.
07:40We've always wanted a man around here.
07:42Question.
07:43If you two are into women, what do you need me for?
07:47There is a certain thing that a man can do that no woman can.
07:51You ready to work for us, big boy?
07:53Ladies, I'll do anything you want me to do.
07:55Amazing.
07:56Oh, come on.
07:59Open it.
08:00Yeah.
08:00Just open the jar.
08:03Open it.
08:03Oh, yes.
08:06Oh, what about this one?
08:07Yes, that one.
08:08It was open, but now I can't get it open again.
08:11Ow.
08:12Jam.
08:13Is this S&M?
08:14It's pickles.
08:15Yeah.
08:16Pickled onion.
08:18I need a rest.
08:19Come on.
08:20You're doing a really good job.
08:21Oh, yeah.
08:22I told you.
08:22I knew that would get out.
08:25Orange marmalade.
08:26Open.
08:27Open.
08:27Filming the bull spot without touching.
08:34I'm exhausted.
08:35You're okay.
08:36Oh, ladies, please.
08:37Do we have some little turn?
08:40I've had enough.
08:41I'm exhausted.
08:42I need a rest.
08:43This is the last one.
08:45Last one.
08:46Mm-hmm.
08:47Mm-hmm.
08:47Get it.
08:48Get it.
08:48Get it.
08:48This is a line.
08:49You can do it.
08:50I'm the first.
08:51You're going to blow.
08:52Shoot that hot load.
08:54Come on.
08:54Come on.
08:55Oh, no, no, no.
09:00Yes.
09:01Oh, incredible.
09:03Look at you.
09:04Oh, my God.
09:05Good job.
09:05Oh, look at this.
09:06Oh, my God.
09:07Was that good for you?
09:08No, it was really good.
09:09It was something.
09:10Loved it.
09:10Bake pasta pomodoro.
09:11Yeah.
09:12I'll make a rocket salad.
09:13Good.
09:13Yum.
09:14I can't believe how long it took you.
09:18Oh, look at the little guys all tuck it out.
09:20Oh, so cute.
09:22So cute.
09:23No, no, no.
09:24Leave it.
09:25You can take it out when it wakes up.
09:30Look, we're all here.
09:32We believe in science, right?
09:33Even if you're one of those people who do your own research, you're a scientist.
09:36Whatever.
09:37Fine.
09:38I do believe, though, that science sort of favors men's medicine a little bit stronger.
09:44Wouldn't you say?
09:45Yeah.
09:46And men are too scared to answer.
09:47I respect that.
09:49Make some noise.
09:50If you're a woman who has been to the doctor with mastitis.
09:54Yeah.
09:55Mastitis, if you don't know, is a condition when you're breastfeeding.
09:58Your tits get so hard.
10:00Harder than dating in your 50s.
10:02They are hot.
10:03They are inflamed.
10:04It is so painful.
10:06You just walk around naked around the house like this.
10:08I don't know why your balls are sore too, but there you go.
10:12You remove all the curtains in the house just in case a breeze comes and touches that clit.
10:17It is so painful.
10:18And do you know what a doctor will tell you?
10:21A medical professional with a certificate on the wall will look.
10:24You straighten the eye and go, here, just pop some cabbage leaves on that.
10:31Sorry, what?
10:33You don't have leeches in a fridge here somewhere you can chuck on a tattoo and suck it out?
10:38I firmly believe that if mastitis were to happen to men's balls.
10:44Like if your balls got hot and inflamed and enlarged, right?
10:49A man will just walk out into the middle of town square and there will be some war cry like,
10:58And all the townspeople will convene, we'll all stand around this man and the Pope will come
11:03and do some seance on your balls and bam, your heels!
11:08Meanwhile, all the women are standing around smelling like a cabbage patch.
11:15Good afternoon, Mr. and Mrs. Heterosexuale.
11:19How can I help you two cuties today?
11:22You go first.
11:23No, you go first.
11:24I actually haven't been feeling too good.
11:26I have a cough and lightheadedness and also chills.
11:32Sounds like you've got that really bad flu that's going around at that moment.
11:36I'm going to prescribe some antibiotics for you.
11:39Okay.
11:40And rest.
11:41That's the most important part here.
11:43Mm-hmm.
11:44No house chores for six months.
11:46Okay.
11:47Yeah.
11:47Don't you crack now.
11:49I won't, Doctor.
11:50You're a life saver.
11:51Hi.
11:52Hi, sorry.
11:52I actually have the same symptoms.
11:55Headaches, chills, and the works.
12:00Okay.
12:01Well, shall we have a look at how we can cure you?
12:05What?
12:06Here we go.
12:07What is that?
12:09This is the latest in women's health research.
12:12Oh, you see here?
12:14You can boil cabbage leaves and put those on your tartars and that'll make them feel great.
12:19Oh, okay.
12:20All right.
12:21Oh.
12:23You can take used coffee grinds and just slowly shove it up your anal cavity.
12:29Okay.
12:30Maybe not that one.
12:31How about this one?
12:32You can shove a jade egg right up your...
12:34How's that going to help?
12:36Oh.
12:37Oh, I can see we're going to be fussy today.
12:39You're a bit of a fusspot.
12:40Maybe I should make you a special brew.
12:44Oh, what?
12:44I've heard about this.
12:50Is that a witch's hat?
12:52It's a doctor's habit.
12:53Respect.
12:54Fresh pot for the fusspot.
12:58Some rat tail.
13:00Feathers.
13:01I plucked this myself.
13:02That chicken never saw it coming.
13:04Old eyeballs.
13:06Yes.
13:07Old eyeballs.
13:09Have you got anything else?
13:10Maybe your titties are sore.
13:12You got sore titties.
13:13Maybe you got some anxiety.
13:14I've actually been getting anxiety when I go on planes.
13:18Have you?
13:19I have.
13:19Hey, I want you to know that's completely normal.
13:22It is?
13:23Yes.
13:23I'm going to give you the strongest valium that I can.
13:25It's just so good to be seen.
13:30Drink!
13:31No.
13:31Drink, yeah!
13:32No!
13:33I don't want just weird women's treatment.
13:35Just treat me like a normal patient.
13:38Okay.
13:39Well, from what I can see, you carry a lot of extra weight.
13:44Yeah.
13:45You want to lose some of that.
13:46It's going to make you feel lighter.
13:48Also, have you tried smiling?
13:50It's an attitude thing.
13:51Could you try it?
13:57Don't you feel better?
13:59I feel better.
14:07All right, husbands.
14:09Eyes front.
14:11Welcome to a lesbian's guide to being a husband.
14:14You know how they say you give a man a fish, and he eats for a day.
14:19Love fish.
14:20I teach a man to lesbian, and he'll be drowning in wife pussy for the rest of his days.
14:25Superhead!
14:27That's right!
14:28You're going to throw me to my room.
14:29Let me drown.
14:30Let me drown.
14:31That's weird.
14:33Okay.
14:34Lesson one.
14:35Attention to detail.
14:37Husband number one.
14:39I'm going to be your wife.
14:40In your dreams.
14:41And I'm wearing my straight lady cardigan.
14:43Oh, I'm feeling good now.
14:45I think I just broke a nail.
14:46No!
14:48I made Spatball again.
14:51What is wrong with my outfit?
14:53Oh, I know.
14:54There's nothing wrong.
14:56You look great, honey.
14:58Wrong.
14:59The tag was sticking out the whole time.
15:03Boys!
15:06Cannot let your wife walk around the mall with four XLs sticking out of a cardigan.
15:10That is a divorceable offence.
15:12Tag.
15:13Lesson two.
15:15Argue like a girl.
15:17Husband number two.
15:18I am your wife.
15:19I'm coming to you with a situation.
15:21You ready?
15:23Put the toilet seat down!
15:25How many times do I need to tell you that, Toby?
15:27I'm sick of your shit!
15:28Now, how are you going to win that argument?
15:31Honey, I just realised it's your period tomorrow.
15:34And that is why you're upset.
15:37I'm going to give you full marks for courage.
15:40And double marks for stupidity.
15:43You play the period card.
15:45Your marriage is over.
15:47Lesson three.
15:48How to make your woman scream, but not in fear or disgust.
15:53Okay?
15:54Husband number three.
15:56Let's pretend I'm attracted to you.
16:00Try and seduce me.
16:04Hey.
16:05You want to get busy?
16:09Yeah.
16:10Now, who wants to tell me what he did wrong, apart from everything?
16:15Wrong?
16:15Oh, I know.
16:16He undone his shirt buttons.
16:19He did.
16:20When he should have undone his pants.
16:22Yeah.
16:23Oh, yeah.
16:23Let the dick out.
16:25Can I just say straight women are extremely brave?
16:29Honestly, boys, you want to fold your wife over?
16:31I do.
16:32You've got to fold a towel.
16:34Boom.
16:35Boom.
16:37Boom.
16:37Done.
16:38You try it.
16:39What is this wizardry?
16:40Fold it.
16:41Okay, sorry.
16:42Sorry.
16:42Can I help you?
16:42I'm just here to pick up my husband.
16:44Darren, we're late.
16:45Wait, wait, wait.
16:46Why don't you show your wife what you learn?
16:47Yeah.
16:49You got it.
16:50Go on.
16:51Go on.
16:52Do it.
16:54Hey, honey.
16:56Your tag is hanging out.
16:59Is it?
17:00No.
17:01No, it's not.
17:02Darren?
17:02Oh, you must be on your period.
17:05Behind the walls.
17:06Darren.
17:06Check this out.
17:13What am I supposed to do with that, Darren?
17:17I'm afraid Darren's a lost cause.
17:19What?
17:20I, however, am fully house trained.
17:22I've got a van out the front.
17:24Do you want to get out of here?
17:26Yeah, I do.
17:27Oh, wow.
17:28See you later, Darren.
17:33She's good.
17:37Do you know, when I was young, I just assumed that drugs, rock and roll and wild sex would ruin
17:43my life.
17:43But it wasn't that at all.
17:46It's TikTok.
17:48TikTok is busy ruining my life.
17:50Simple things that you think you know how to do.
17:53Like, how to get the avocado separated from its skin.
17:56It's easy.
17:57You cut it open, take a spoon, slop it on a plate and you're done.
18:00But no.
18:01On TikTok, they do it different.
18:03They peel the outside off and then they cut it in half and they slice it and slices and they
18:08put it on a board like, have you seen that?
18:11It looks sexy.
18:13And I was like, I'm going to do that.
18:16I didn't do that.
18:19Because I go and I get my avocado and I peel it and then there's all these black dots all
18:25over it.
18:26And I was like, oh no.
18:27My avocado is diseased.
18:29But it was not diseased, was it?
18:32No.
18:32It's people in my community who would go and squeeze the shit out of that avocado.
18:38All those black dots are people in my community's fingers.
18:42It just drove me nuts.
18:43Like, who would do that?
18:45Like, why are you squeezing anything?
18:47You're not a farmer.
18:49This may come as no big surprise, but I do have a therapist.
18:55I know.
18:56It's like, when I meet someone who goes, I've never been to therapy.
18:58I go, red flag, you're a red flag.
19:01But I think my therapist might be a red flag because she bought me, for Christmas, a reflective vest.
19:11She bought me this reflective vest because she says, oh, you want to police what other people do with their
19:17lives.
19:17So here, while I'm away for seven weeks in Europe, why don't you wear your little reflective vest and go
19:23police what other people are doing?
19:24I'm like, listen.
19:27First of all, fuck you.
19:30Secondly, she's real cheap, so I have to take some shit.
19:35I have to go see her so frequently, you've got to get a budget-friendly one, you see.
19:40Secondly, I don't want to police what other people do.
19:44I don't.
19:44I want you to just be able to do your shit.
19:47Do your part.
19:49But you don't.
19:50So now I do have to police what you do.
20:02We've got one.
20:04Tomato section.
20:05Suspect is male.
20:07Quite tall.
20:09Extremely unattractive to me.
20:16Strike one.
20:30Strike two.
20:32That's terrible.
20:34Stand by.
20:35We're going to take the sucker down.
20:44Not too summing it.
20:47Come on, mate.
20:48You're inside it.
20:49It's my good.
20:51Hold your fire.
20:53We need a clean putback before we can arrest them.
20:57We've got him!
20:58Move, move, move!
21:02What the hell?
21:02What are you doing?
21:03Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
21:05No, ow, ow.
21:06I'm being attacked by the Dally Boys.
21:07Ow, ow.
21:08Get your toes away from my face, sir.
21:10Ow, ow, ow, ow.
21:11Someone get these Dally Boys off me.
21:13What are you doing?
21:16What are you doing?
21:16You thought you could come in here in broad daylight and fondle fruit?
21:21My name is Ursula.
21:22Special Fruits Unit.
21:24We are charging you with fiddling in the third degree.
21:27It's not illegal to inspect fresh produce.
21:29Inspect?
21:30You fingered this one so much if it was a human being I wouldn't marry it.
21:34Why do you just want to find a ripe avocado?
21:35Well, we all would love a ripe avocado, but now someone has to go home with your sloppy seconds.
21:40You can't arrest me.
21:41You don't know what I can do.
21:43What are you going to do?
21:47Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
21:50Yeah, yeah.
21:52Oh, oh, oh.
21:55Wow.
21:56God, you monster.
21:59Oh, gosh, he's figuring the ice cream.
22:01Yeah.
22:02God, I feel sick.
22:04You watch grab his face.
22:05You're going to watch this.
22:07Yeah.
22:07Oh, God.
22:09How do you like that?
22:10How do you like that?
22:11Now you get to go home with my sloppy seconds.
22:14Well, excuse me.
22:15Hang on.
22:16What is going on here?
22:17Oh, we found this jerk squishing produce.
22:20Well, if you contain the problem, don't thank me.
22:22You're welcome.
22:23I wasn't going to thank you.
22:25You don't work here.
22:26And I'm pretty upset by all this mess.
22:28Look at this mess.
22:30Damn those.
22:31Scatter.
22:32Oh, dang.
22:34Doll's the other way.
22:35Never mind me.
22:36You could definitely get her.
22:38I'm going to have to reduce this now.
22:41All right.
22:42Well, that is the episode.
22:44Can I just say a word of warning?
22:46If you have a friend who recently had a baby, don't have cabbage salad at their house.
22:53Also, as you exit the building, there's some cupcakes for sale in the foyer.
22:58My kid's school has a fundraiser, so we need a new cover for the sand pit.
23:03So if you guys can donate, that'll be excellent.
23:06I made that myself.
23:08It is nut free.
23:09I didn't drop my nuts in the batter once.
23:12Thank you so much for coming.
23:17First listen.
23:21Did it work?
23:24Hi.
23:25I can see a lot of myself in you, okay?
23:27And I need some...
23:28Why?
23:30I'm doing nothing.
23:32Come on.
23:33You just hold yourself together.
23:34Stop talking.
23:35It's because I'm not strong enough, okay?
23:37I can see a lot of myself in you.
23:39And I need some...
23:41Ashraf, please.
23:42Be professional.
23:44Oh, that actually...
23:45Sorry.
23:46I actually want to talk to you about something.
23:50No, I've got it.
23:51I'll carry us.
23:51I'll carry us.
23:52You carry it.
23:53I'll carry you.
23:53I'm alone.
23:55Good afternoon, Mr. and Mrs. Sexuale.
23:58Oh, that's heterosexuale.
24:00Yeah, fuck that up.
24:01Hello.
24:02You trying to arrest me?
24:04You don't know what I canna do.
24:06What I canna do.
24:07What I canna do do.
24:09Sorry.
24:09Who are you people?
24:10That's right.
24:11Fucko.
24:13Should we keep it?
24:14We've never had one.
24:16No, I don't know what to do with that.
24:17You have to walk it twice a day.
24:19There's shit in the bathroom, on the floor.
24:23Open it, you weakling.
24:25Use your whole hand.
24:26Oh, my God.
24:27Let me do it.
24:28Well, fuck's sake.
24:29Peace.
24:31Peace.
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