- 18 hours ago
Urzila - Season 1 Episode 4
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:07Hello, Ursula?
00:10Kids, shut up.
00:12Shh, shh, shh.
00:14Are you home?
00:16We're home.
00:18Someone find Mummy's pants.
00:20Where are you naked?
00:22Who put this shit on the wall?
00:25What?
00:26What's the emergency?
00:27Did someone die?
00:28I just thought I'd pop by.
00:31Pop by?
00:32Bitch, I'm not prepared for that.
00:34This house is a mess.
00:35I'm not going to let you see my filth.
00:38I bet you're one of those tidy house psychos.
00:40What are you hiding, huh?
00:42What kind of fritzle situation is going on at your place?
00:45Can I just use your bathroom?
00:47No.
00:48We don't have one.
00:50Yeah, we're free weirs now.
00:52It's better for the environment.
00:54Just go wee over there.
01:02Eeeh, grub.
01:13Oh, hello!
01:17You are on fire, oh my god, honestly you make my tits perk up and nothing does that, can I
01:27just, as a 50 year old woman, do you know the hardest part of my day these days, and you
01:31go, is it menopause, no it's lining up my nipples, like initially like in my 40s it was once a
01:39day, I put the bra on, I'd line the girls up, I'd go, I'm good to go, now they go,
01:46they're wilting like celery in Brisbane, they just can't do it, then you talk to younger woman, you know, whose
01:53skin's still fit, and they go, it's so embarrassing, today, I went to work and I forgot to put on
02:00a bra,
02:06they go, I didn't even notice, still I went for morning tea, made a cup of tea, when I opened
02:10the fridge, my nipples just went, ding, I was like, yeah, I, weirdly, I didn't,
02:15I had a very similar experience this way, forgot to put a bra on, went to make a cup of
02:20tea, and slammed my tits in the drawer, yeah, very similar story, my nipples also went, ding, dong, honestly, the
02:35stuff we go through as women with our boobs is crazy, I can't believe the technology's not really changed, you
02:40know,
02:40the fight we have with our underwire is insane, insane, like you go throughout the day, and you never know
02:49when that thing's coming out, you're just at work, you're working, three o'clock, you turn to look at your
02:54work wife,
02:55and you're like, oh, I can't, I can't, and you, you know, you go, oh, I, I think I may
03:01have had a stroke or something, I can't turn, oh, no, it's the underwire, it's out,
03:06the underwire crept out, no one had said anything to you, and you know, that thing didn't just go, it
03:13didn't just pop out, it slowly, incrementally, quarter millimetre by quarter millimetre was creeping out,
03:19you've been dealing with clients, all day, you've been talking to your friends, not one of them have gone, hey,
03:25babes, yeah, your mechanical tit is unravelling,
03:31you know, that's how it changes, you go, how has your life changed, has you gotten older, I've got a
03:35lot more confidence, and I went from a double D to a 38 long,
03:52oh, I'm looking for the owner of a 10 double D grey granny bra with underwire issues, 2017 model,
04:00it's me, come on,
04:04all right, pop the hood, yay, yay, old lady, I haven't seen one of these in years, yeah, it's vintage,
04:14no, it's a shitbox, is what it is, you should have come to see me ages ago, what the hell,
04:19I've got an antenna, you can catch talkback radio on this, oh, I'm a racist bastard, ha, ha, ha, ha,
04:25ha,
04:25but we could just take the underwire out, and then it should be fine, if we take the underwire,
04:29that right tit is going to come right down, and by Wednesday, you just drop kicking it on the pavement,
04:34I don't want that, no one wants that, what we're going to do, is I'm going to go ahead and
04:38put it back in for you, okay,
04:42get, just, don't scream, okay, yeah, oh god, she's in, that feels so much better, so much better,
04:49thank you for your work, oh, we're not done, we're not done, no, no, look, the suspension on this thing
04:54is munted, look at that, look at that, oh, Duff is going to be dragging on that thing, it's got
04:59no
04:59shocks left in it, okay, do you get a lot of tit poppages on that, oh, sometimes if I stop
05:04suddenly,
05:05yeah, it's because your brakes on, right, okay, I'll tell you what, she's a big job, the rims are all
05:10bent up, leave her with me for a couple of days, I'll give you one of these courtesy bras, maybe
05:14that sporty one, no, I can't, I can't wear that, and I need this done now, I need it now,
05:22pop up, let me have a look underneath, all righty, Ro, shall we, okay, good news, bad news,
05:29you're getting new lace, yeah, just do it, just do it, oh, oh, oh, you sure you know what you're
05:37doing down there, I'm going to need a hammer, oh, wow, got it, this should lift those girls up,
05:47oh, oh, oh, oh, no, I've hit the milk tank, oh, sorry, I'm lactating, I should have seen it,
05:53it's all right, it happens all the time, don't worry about it,
05:57that was a messy job, right, like, oh, I'm going to smell like custard for days,
06:01I mean, it's much better, so thank you, there you go, $1,455, that seems like a lot,
06:11oh, hi, mum, what's the damage, um, well, new underwires, 15mm straps,
06:19D-cup repadding, well, going off this month's Spotlight catalogue, I'd say $17.
06:26Yeah, and labour, though, so, like, 10 minutes, 1770, is it?
06:34Thanks, mum, mm-hmm, thank you, thanks, don't hurry back, next!
06:41It's been 28 days since the virus spread, what many are calling a Karen-demic,
06:48she spat in my son's face?
06:51I'm notifying the authorities!
06:54And, well, look at it.
06:58You have no right to film me, that's it, if you film me, I'll film you.
07:03The Australian military has finally captured the first of the infected, Karen Zero.
07:08You're painting my voice, Dad!
07:10Scientists hoping her DNA may provide a cure to this horrifying plague.
07:21Karen! Karen! Karen, can you hear us? Karen! Karen!
07:25Yes! I'm asleep, not dead.
07:28Use your inside voice.
07:30Can you understand what we're saying?
07:32Yes, I speak English.
07:33This is an English-speaking country the last time I checked.
07:36Although, before you know it, we'll all be speaking Afrikaans.
07:38Because if I stop letting those people in,
07:40we only have until midnight to secure a DNA sample.
07:43It's the only way to create a cure.
07:45Okay, Karen, I'm going to get a strand of your hair now, okay?
07:49Hey, hey, hey!
07:50The only people I let touch my blunt bulb is Fernando, my stylist.
07:54And me, when I have to fix his cock-ups, you're not touching my blunt bulb.
07:58We're running out of time.
07:59I'm going to get a skin scraping.
08:01Good luck, I've had more sunbeds than you've had hot meals.
08:04Don't you know you're ruining the world?
08:06You're evil!
08:07And you're rude, Missy!
08:09I'm going to make you really famous on my Facebook community page.
08:12We need to get a blood sample.
08:14Excuse me, are you even a qualified phlebotomist?
08:16I'm going to be the man for this job, please.
08:18Are you not putting that on me?
08:20Ah!
08:21I didn't even get vaccinated.
08:22You don't know what's in that.
08:23I do all my own research.
08:25Get off me.
08:26There are 443,000 Karens on this planet because of you.
08:31And that number is increasing minute by minute.
08:35It's okay.
08:35I'll talk to their supervisor.
08:37There is no supervisor.
08:38I'll talk to their manager then.
08:40There is no manager either.
08:41So who's in charge of these Karens then?
08:43You are the first Karen who started the virus.
08:46So what does that mean?
08:47I guess it means the supervisor is you.
08:54I want to talk to the supervisor.
08:57I am the supervisor.
08:58I have to speak to myself.
09:00But you can't talk to me like that.
09:03I pay my taxes.
09:04I know my rights.
09:05I've been a customer here for years.
09:07You can't talk there.
09:08Don't film.
09:09I will film you.
09:11Why don't you go back to where you came from?
09:13Speak in jail!
09:23Is she dead?
09:25I think so.
09:26We may win this war yet!
09:35Oh, this place is filthy.
09:37How long are you going to let the blood lie here?
09:39Who's in charge of mopping these floors?
09:42This is a safe thing to show.
09:45You know, we are in here because we all have something in common.
09:48We all love comedy and very sexy lesbians.
09:53No, you know, that's what bring people together.
09:55The things we have in common.
09:57We think it's sport, but it's a lot more simple than that.
10:00We have very simple things.
10:01It's like if you drive a car, you own a car, you pick your nose in the car and you
10:05flick
10:06the snot in the passenger footwell.
10:08Don't you?
10:09Oh, me.
10:10I will go lock down that car park next to this building and I will get us someone to take
10:16a blue light through all of your cars.
10:18That passenger footwell will light up like a smooth anus.
10:22You know it.
10:23You know when you're driving.
10:27Well, you're not going to eat it, you animal.
10:29I mean, on a nice day when the windows open, you biff it out the window, but otherwise it
10:34goes in the passenger footwell.
10:35You also don't want to roll the car and then have to explain to people it's because you're
10:39picking your nose.
10:40We all, that's the stuff that bring us together.
10:42The little things that get on our nerves or the little things that we do.
10:45Like we all drink box wine, you know.
10:48And I know, so if you're fancy and you go, well, I have never.
10:51Well, if you've never had box wine, then you've never asked for the house wine at a restaurant.
10:56That's a fact.
10:57You think they get that stuff out of the good bottle?
11:00Dream on, my friend.
11:01They don't.
11:02That stuff comes straight out of a bag.
11:04How handy are those bags at the end?
11:06You can float on them down a river.
11:08You use them as a pillow.
11:09The kids are playing with them.
11:11You're basically a good parent if you have that.
11:21This is actually one of my personal favourites.
11:24What fresh hell is that?
11:26Oh, somebody knows their box wine.
11:29Oh, well.
11:30Now, this one you can actually drink immediately.
11:32But we do recommend that you cellar it for 10 to 12 minutes.
11:36Any longer and it's going to burn a hole right through your stomach line.
11:39That is acrid.
11:40It's stinging my eyes.
11:42Also, I'd like you to try a new one.
11:44It's going to take you on a bit of a journey.
11:46So pay attention to the notes in it and tell me what you taste.
11:53Beautiful colour.
11:58That tastes like my mouth stubbed its toe.
12:02I can already taste what it would be like to throw this up in the back of an Uber.
12:05Oh, yeah.
12:06It's quite acidic.
12:08Almost ear-in-like.
12:10Yeah.
12:10It's the piss.
12:12Real piss?
12:12Yeah.
12:13Yeah, yeah, yeah.
12:14That is directly from our Felix filtration system.
12:18Go, buddy!
12:19There's a strong stream.
12:20Yeah, it reaps.
12:22He's got three kidneys.
12:23Oh.
12:24Oh, my God.
12:24He's a gift.
12:25Wow.
12:25Yeah.
12:26It gives a depth of flavour to the wine that you're just not going to find in any other
12:30box wine.
12:31Okay.
12:32I actually wouldn't mind trying some of these others if I could.
12:35Mucky Pond Scum Deodorant Analakage?
12:39No, Anal Likage.
12:40It's English.
12:41Yeah, yeah.
12:42Anal Likage.
12:42Anal Likage.
12:43Anal Likage.
12:44Okay.
12:44Yeah.
12:44How do I pronounce this last one?
12:46Spew.
12:47Spew.
12:48Spew.
12:48Spew.
12:49Yeah.
12:49Spew.
12:50Yeah, yeah.
12:50I'd like to taste the spew.
12:52Of course.
12:53It's actually part of our tasting flight.
12:56Wow.
12:57Wow.
12:59Fancy.
13:00If it lands on you, you must drink every last drop.
13:05The last drop.
13:07You ready?
13:08Yes, okay.
13:09Let's do it.
13:09Good luck.
13:10Woo!
13:11Yeah.
13:12Woo!
13:14Woo!
13:15Yay!
13:17Yay!
13:18Yay!
13:21Here's to Sally, she's too blue.
13:24She's a piss spot through and through.
13:26She's a bastard, so they say.
13:29She's trying to go down, but you ain't the other way.
13:32Down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down.
13:40Yay!
13:42Yay!
13:42It's nutty, like ball sack-y.
13:45I really wouldn't know.
13:50All right.
13:51Off you go, Jack.
13:52Go find someone to play with.
13:54Oh, cool.
13:54There's Oscar.
13:56Yeah, yeah.
13:57He's definitely there.
13:58But also, there's Axel.
14:00Go and play with Axel.
14:03I think I'll go play with Oscar.
14:07You and I have to have a little chat, okay, buddy?
14:09Whoever you choose to be friends with, I have to be friends with their mums, and I cannot do that.
14:15Okay?
14:16So go play with Axel.
14:17What's wrong with Oscar?
14:19Oscar's class captain.
14:20So you know his mum runs half marathons.
14:23She's going to want to chat to me about intermittent fasting, and there's about 4,000 recipes for chia pudding.
14:28I cannot do another chia pudding, okay?
14:30I'll have a blowout.
14:31But look at Axel's mum.
14:33She's vaping.
14:33I like her.
14:34Do you see how she doesn't have orthopedic sneakers on?
14:37It's because she's cool.
14:38And cool parents have cool kids.
14:41So please, go play with Axel.
14:42But isn't Axel a bad kid?
14:44What do you mean?
14:46Look at him.
14:47He's eradicating ants.
14:48You hate ants.
14:49The insects and the movie.
14:50But Oscar looks like he's having fun too.
14:54Oscar's picking up other people's trash, okay?
14:56So you know his mum has a cute cup and some hot opinions about vegetarianism.
15:01I'm not getting involved in that.
15:07I thought you said bullying was wrong.
15:09What bullying?
15:10He's teaching younger kids to be resilient, baby.
15:13They need that.
15:15I don't know, mum.
15:16Oscar's really smart.
15:18As is Axel.
15:20I don't need your two cents.
15:21I need dollars.
15:22Look at him.
15:23He's selling...
15:24He's selling sherbet to kids.
15:27What a good kid.
15:28He's a little entrepreneur.
15:29I don't think that's sherbet, mum.
15:31Please.
15:32Think of me just for once, okay?
15:34And go and play with the evil kid.
15:36Okay, fine.
15:45Hi.
15:46Hi.
15:47Hi.
15:47Yeah, good.
15:48Yep.
15:49Kids, eh?
15:50Just get up to the darndest things.
15:52Oh, I know.
15:53I would kill for a kid like Axel.
15:55He says, eh.
15:56Well, you're not Axel's mum.
15:57Oh, I wish.
15:58Get this.
15:59I tried to get Oscar to sell pingas in the playground the other day.
16:02And he said, no, I'd rather do origami.
16:05I'm so embarrassed.
16:06Wait, so who's Axel's mum?
16:08Oh, you do not want to know.
16:11Yahoo!
16:13That's not her...
16:14Hi, hi.
16:15Hi, hi.
16:15Hi, hi.
16:15Hi, hi.
16:16Oh, my God.
16:17Look, Axel's made a friend.
16:19Hit it.
16:20Hit it.
16:20Hit it.
16:21Harder.
16:22Looks like we're going to be besties.
16:26Have you heard of intermittent fasting?
16:29Honestly, I just broke my fast with this amazing turmeric chai chia pudding.
16:33Hey, that is too big for anything.
16:36That and that.
16:37Jack, let's go.
16:39Your kid is a bad influence on my child and she'd be in prison.
16:43So should you.
16:45You're going to have a blowout, by the way.
16:47Can you please give this to Axel and tell him, I'm good for it.
16:52I'm good for the next one.
16:54Axel, darling, I said no, darling, in the playground.
16:56You're not listening to mummy.
16:58Listen, can I just say, you know, we live in this world now where it is what it is.
17:03Right?
17:04We're burning it to the ground.
17:06But at least we're more aware of each other and we know that everyone is beautiful.
17:16That's not true, is it?
17:18Oh, you know, when people go, everyone's opinions count.
17:21Everyone has valid, valid opinions and everyone is beautiful.
17:25I go, no, they're not.
17:27I have seen some dogs in my time.
17:30I know.
17:31And I know right now you're going, this is, am I allowed to?
17:36I want you to quickly transport yourself out of your own Facebook community page and what
17:42you would say online to put you and your friend in a mall.
17:46Let's create a scenario, shall we?
17:50Let's, for instance, say, we're all in the mall, okay?
17:54We're out of this theatre, we're in the mall.
17:56Me with this body right now in a black mini skirt, a leather one, okay?
18:03You're there with your best friend.
18:06You two see me walking.
18:10yeah that's what you're doing right now you know you fucking know
18:20you don't think you've got a mean bone in your body all right let's amp it up a little bit
18:26shall we we're in the mall i'm in my black miniskirt and we're all going up the escalator
18:32okay now you're with me i'm a few steps ahead of you then your friend you want to tell your
18:39friend something so you look right up my clacker now you've got pink eye is it still beautiful
18:46is it still beautiful if you honestly believe that every person is beautiful you've never been
18:55on public transport you have not because that is an assault on your eyeballs and quite
19:02frankly all of your senses okay i'm not saying we're not all beautiful like you may find
19:08something sexy right what's sexy to you is not necessarily sexy to me all i'm saying is like
19:15not all beautiful things are sexy or not all sexy things are beautiful we're not here to yucky or
19:20yum whatever you're into that's called having a kink okay if you think everyone's beautiful
19:27congratulations you've got a kink maybe maybe you think all accents are beautiful right maybe like
19:33you know the south african accent is very sexy it is a very attractive accent it just makes your
19:40panties drop right off you feeling lonely looking for that special someone at exotic passions we have
19:50beautiful women from all around the globe to satiate your every desire ciao bello for 8.99 a minute i'll
19:59let you have a slice of my homemade pizza pie delicioso so who do you want to talk to oh
20:07hello
20:08i'm penelope i'm your bucks and british babe from across the pond and for 5.99 a minute
20:16you could be my big ben and for the more budget conscious gentlemen we also have this very very
20:24cheap south african lady yeah no i'm currently naked right now yeah full bush hair nipples on high beam
20:32i'm absolutely stinging for a fuck are you horny oh no i said are you horny yeah like a rhino
20:41yeah me too
20:44i'm tiffany call me now for 7.99 a minute i'm looking for a stallion all night long and for
20:55an extra
20:55dollar you can have both of us in a freeway and we'll be bopping your willy around like two cheetahs
21:02on a half dead springbok out in the desert pick up the phone and call 1900 passions to talk to
21:10beautiful women from all around the world or this bitch oh man i'm riding you so hard right now and
21:18you're charging at me like a hippo and it is wet season in the savannah now you're hard like a
21:24cricket wicked man you're long and skinny with a bit of grass coming through the sides don't you finish
21:31oh shame man okay bye don't wait call 1900 passions right now and all your fantasies will come true
21:41but don't call me for the next 45 minutes i'm on lunch this building is real hard to chew free
21:47so who do you want to talk to
21:52hey do you know the world's sexist accents they rank them every year did you know that
21:58do you want to guess the sexiest accent in the world right now that's right kiwi accent doesn't
22:05that just blow up your ass a kiwi accent is number one do you want to guess what's number two
22:14south african that's right australia comes in at number five so i've got a hybrid of all three of those
22:23honestly i'm amazed if you while i'm talking if you just listen you can hear the knickers just drop
22:29around the room she's a full-time job just go and pull that up put that back in all right
22:36thank you so
22:37much for coming you guys have been amazing thank you
22:42shit and go bro yes melody this built-on is real hard to chew free
22:51hello my name is christelle and for a extra dollar
22:56and for an extra dollar
22:58i can do it and for the extra dollar
23:18what part of me is real weight my armpits my armpits my butt crack it's so hot in here we
23:26haven't got the air conditioning fixed here i know the heart i like no i'm just sitting here playing
23:32with my lip life nipple yeah she's she's a lot more sensitive than the other one the other one i
23:39said i'm gonna car door when i was little
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