- 18 hours ago
Urzila - Season 1 Episode 2
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00:05one second get in the car he's getting in the car so he's freaking point just one second yeah
00:13mate here we go this is progress this is the slowest I've ever seen anyone
00:20is he gonna thank me for that where's my wave yeah and there it is he's waving no
00:26that was a hand on a mirror what kind of animal raised you that you don't give a wave do
00:34you know
00:34the danger you've put us in now that I have to aggressively overtake you just to flip you off
00:38wave I'm gonna get out of this car rip your head off and shit down your lungs stick your hand
00:44in
00:44the air no no you're right mate you're right oh he's lovely
01:08oh it's very lesbian central in here
01:13look at all the lesbians in this room holy shit I mean I know there's other people too but you
01:19know
01:19no no no welcome to the straight people I'm an ally make some noise if you're heterosexual
01:27yeah put your hand down oh I'm an ally I am with you guys both my parents are straight so
01:34I
01:36feel you in my heart okay listen it's tough for us too okay we have to do our own research
01:42and I
01:43want you to know when I came out of the closet I was 26 years old this is back when
01:47Jesus was a boy
01:49and back then there were two there were the gays who were the guys and then there were the lesbians
01:57who were us and we had no work for each other we never talked we kept to ourselves and then
02:05one day
02:05the gays came up to us and they went hey lesbians and we went what
02:15and then the gays said to the lesbians hey lesbians look at that and we're like what is that and
02:24the
02:24gays went those are bi's and we went buy what buy now gay later and you know what we did
02:33because we
02:34didn't understand what they were we didn't understand what bisexuality was so we went over
02:39to them and go so who do you guys do and they explained it to us and we're like all
02:46right come on
02:47let's start an alphabet this is a very soft trigger for people people are like you know I don't understand
02:55the alphabet you know the alphabet malphia alphabet mafia you guys are taking the whole alphabet and go
03:02yeah bitch we're coming for the numbers next actually I just found out there is a number in there now
03:07there's two there's a number two in there I'm as surprised as you are whenever I see I go holy
03:14holy what why are all those letters there like I'm out of breath at the end of it and I
03:23have to
03:23think about lgbtqia plus two does your husband never get around to fixing that crooked shelf
03:38is your house falling apart because he never fixes what he says he'll fix yes you need to hire a
03:47les
03:49that's me as an animation hi I'm Leslie beyond CEO of hire a les the largest and fastest growing all
03:58female home maintenance company in the world we're also the only one let's face it your husband is
04:04terrible at DIY and he will get lost in your Bermuda triangle but not our highly trained lesbatarians
04:11they're great at both of those things our services include but I'm not limited to hinge repair men's
04:18repair painting installing smoke detectors fingering repairing drywall fixing baking plumbing hammering
04:24and slow down swaying to constant craving by Katie Lang but don't just take my word for it listen to
04:30all these satisfied customers she was thorough very thorough oh my god oh my god sorry thorough
04:42hire a lesbian ruined my life
04:46house looks great though
04:49hire a les today satisfaction guarantee
04:54honey can I come back in are you guys watching the cricket
05:00what's the score she was a regular woman dealt a life altering diagnosis
05:06you've contracted early onset Karen this is the life of a Karen our Karen now finds herself here
05:16the Karen clinic this is perfect for you is it well they've got Fox News running all day
05:23it is freezing in here well hello ladies welcome to the Karen clinic how can I help you today
05:30I'd like you to explain what's colder than which is Ted in here it's my auntie she's been diagnosed with
05:36early onset Karen I understand we have a lot of ladies like her here the doctor says it's terminal and
05:42I
05:43really want to take care of her myself it's just been really hard you're doing a fantastic job well done
05:48it's
05:48not easy hi I'm dr. Madison Emerson Addison what a horrible name poor bitch how do you feel about a
05:56little look around what
05:58we're finding is these days more and more of our loved ones are becoming Karen's it's why we built this
06:03amazing
06:04state-of-the-art facility so these middle-aged white women have somewhere to go to complain argue and just
06:11be angry
06:12free-range hey why are you so loud you're causing noise pollution sorry this is frightful woman I'm
06:20gonna phone the council this is nonsense yeah I've got someone here with a terrible haircut and a moose
06:25knuckle I'm filming you I'm watching you this is going on the internet I have to get off the phone
06:29I need to record something don't worry about it we have expert staff that intercept every call on the
06:36property this is our telephone interception reception where we take all of our calls these guys will
06:42role play any complaint line from local council to police to the shopping centre hello this is your
06:49husband speaking I'm an asshole tell me more this is incredible what do you think listen I found your
06:58secret stash of Kit Kats in the garage you filthy truffle pig yes I am a truffle pig I'm putting
07:03you back
07:04on the 5-2 diet I know it's good for your house I'll get a salad next time you're just
07:08like your father
07:09she's doing really well what I'm most proud of is our rehabilitation program all right everybody ready
07:21a young person on a bike on the grass how does this make you feel I'm fine
07:30a jeep parking too close to your rav4 no no big deal
07:42your niece turning up to a Christmas lunch with her tussies hanging out oh
07:49it's hot it's family event put some clothes on with the sewage after breakfast that is
07:55inappropriate okay that is inappropriate that's no one else is dressed like that the mum's got
08:00it's Christmas it's inappropriate it's inappropriate you can see her breasts that is inappropriate
08:04warning warning not again it's inappropriate no no no in with the breath out with needing to see
08:14the manager I really don't know if I'm ready to let her go like what if she hates it here
08:24well
08:24then she'll complain that should really cheer her up look she's already settling in thank you doctor
08:40do you know what I find fascinating the female form the woman's body is just such a mysterious place
08:47isn't it and I think when you talk to men it just really brings home how little you fucking know
08:52about
08:52stuff I talked to my brother and some of my male friends very little but I do and I said
08:59what do you
09:00know about the female form and they go it can grow a baby and it gets very aggressive
09:07when it gets its period well I've got news for you boys wait till it stops
09:15you might get five minutes a day of clarity and the rest of the time is fuck you time
09:23okay but at least at least science is on board and they've provided us with HRT patches are you
09:30familiar with HRT patches yes so you get this little patch and it's got estrogen you put it on you
09:36and
09:36then when someone comes up to you and they say some unnecessary shit or they look at you or you
09:41know they breathe like and then that patch goes oh no she needs estrogen give it to her now
09:50sometimes it's not enough and you have to rip it off and chew it a bit
09:55but then we're at the nightmare where globally there was a HRT shortage last year where we could not
10:02get the patches only women my age and up knew how many times a day your life was in danger
10:11I'd go to my doctor I'd go do we have patches yet is it back and she'd go no but
10:18I do have Viagra
10:22wouldn't you take Viagra if Viagra couldn't tell the difference between a penis and a breast
10:28wouldn't you if you go you know what I'm going out on Saturday I don't want to wear a bra
10:34and then you pop two Viagras and both your tits just
10:39yeah of course once you're over the age of 50 you walk into a room like you're in a zombie
10:44film
10:57morning detective so I hear you've got yourself a new partner yeah some hot shot from the city
11:04detective biggs or something the detective biggs she brought down the medias cocktail
11:10they say she's brilliant but unconventional much like this case that's the truth move nutsack
11:16oh shit sorry you must be detective biggs and you must be in my way
11:26i'm giving you batteries my neck fan i'm melting over here you're sweating it's like three degrees
11:31celsius yeah it's a scorcher today sisters are male thank christ 32 years old time of death 11 30 pm
11:39last night looks to be death by a sharp object probably that axe
11:46well well the only thing sharper than this axe is you detective obvious must have been top of
11:51your class of police college hey
11:54hmm washing shoulder that's weird
11:59typical at this stage motive remains unclear is it you got a theory yeah maybe one or two maybe
12:07the victim was really annoying and just kept droning on and on and on it's hardly a motive for murder
12:15oh
12:15it is it just doesn't make any sense look i know it must be hard to multitask what with breathing
12:20blinking and keeping your mouth shut but there was clearly a struggle and with another man you can't
12:25know that there's no dna evidence oh there's dna evidence look at this a whole pile of washing folded
12:30but not packed away only a man would get this deep into a task and not complete the towel on
12:35the door
12:35this is not where it goes it's supposed to be in the bathroom only a man would hang in here
12:39and go
12:40this is helpful my god you smell that oh yeah fresh skid marks just as i suspected someone's had a
12:49poop and didn't use the brush and then they just put the fan on and didn't spray you need to
12:54spray
12:55if you don't spray you can literally taste the shit in this bathroom classic male behavior wow stop
13:02breathing can you hear that someone's breathing like a fog on it's getting on my tits so bad
13:10the killer's still here they can't be we searched the whole house there's no one here
13:20there he is come and get him boys let me guess you had a bit of a man look
13:28that was beautiful to watch i bet you like to watch maybe you want to go for a drink sometime
13:35me and
13:35you yeah uh no thanks as soon as you asked me my vagina's just going
13:47my god she's got
13:54optimize your life hello everyone and welcome back to optimize your life now last episode i was lucky
14:01enough to interview the author of the let them theory incredible interview check it out if you
14:06haven't already but that book has already sparked a new wave of self-help books and my next guest is
14:12the latest to jump on that craze is isla carlson am i saying that right carlson yeah welcome to the
14:17show thank you so much for sharing space with me and and giving us some of your wisdom can i
14:24just say
14:24that i think self-help books are bullshit sorry you can just sit back from the mic you can just
14:29sit
14:29naturally like that and it picks it up so your book was inspired by the let them theory wasn't it
14:35if by inspired you mean hated every moment of it yeah wow okay can you speak to that i'm saying
14:43yeah the let them theory is putting a back by about 90 years because we've been training these junior
14:49bitches up saying hey stand up for yourself now this book goes no someone's mean to you let them
14:56your kids are out of control let them at work they're being suck asses let them let them let them
15:02let them
15:02i'm not about that like wow fascinating fascinating now tell us about your book what is it called uh
15:08my book is is called headbutt a motherfucker in the mouth yeah okay there is an evocative title isn't it
15:15and let is not in there no it's not wow can i yeah a little hold of that there she
15:21is uh break down the
15:23theory for us how does it work well it's quite simple you're out you identify uh mofo in the wild
15:30and you
15:32give me some examples then of how i could implement the h-a-m-f-i-t-m theory in
15:38my day-to-day life
15:39you're in a coffee shop the person in front of you takes ages to order there's a cube behind okay
15:44right so now you've identified them as a mofo just pull your head right back and you hip at them
15:51straighten their mouth wow you know it's it's provocative but yet very simple this must have
15:56taken you quite a long time to write yeah better part of three hours three hours a day i mean
16:02no
16:02no three hours i mean the back back there's 182 pages of photos just so there are the motherfuckers
16:09that i've headbutted in the mouth can we break down this moment here oh that's crystal that's my
16:15neighbor crystal and a dog otto oh i had to headbutt her in the mouth because uh she kept putting
16:19shitty
16:20nappies in my bin and i think the thing that made me so angry is she doesn't have a kid
16:25now isala i
16:26obviously didn't want to have to bring this up but you will be aware obviously that the uh london-based
16:31writer harriet twipple has made claims that you have stolen her idea from her book uh flick a
16:37bitch on the tits do you want to respond to that no i don't because i clearly didn't one is
16:44about
16:44flicking tits so it's not the same okay so you deny that you were inspired you and harriet can eat
16:51my arsehole well i'm just starting to feel a lot of aggression coming my way so i'm just gonna
16:55wrap us up it has been another fascinating episode of optimize your life can i just have my book back
17:01you can have your book damn oh my god oh oh oh oh optimize your life um i don't know
17:13how to tell you
17:13guys there's why i'm single now i know i know i know some of you would have been following me
17:20for a
17:20while and i thought she was married i was but i found her why how turns out it's not a
17:31hostage situation you can leave it costs slightly more than the wedding but fuck is it worth that
17:39but you know what because we're lesbians so we're still best friends right we actually still lived
17:44together for a few years and then we finally got divorced and i did repartner but i i had to
17:49break up with her because you know what she's one of those people who like to shower together
17:57and i don't like that i don't like that at all i tell you what apart from the fact that
18:03you don't
18:03wash your arsehole the way you're supposed to when you're in the shower with someone
18:07well you don't you're in there with someone it's like half a squirt of shower
18:11and that's it when you're in there by yourself
18:18you got to wash that thing properly goes through a lot of shit
18:24but also i didn't want to be with her anymore because of the shower thing because i've got a
18:28little corner shower you know one of those little triangular ones with the curved doors that when you
18:33open it it only opens that wide i need to run up and a parade to get into that shower
18:38in the first
18:39place and it's got a dome on it to keep the moisture in because if you don't i live in
18:43auckland you
18:44can hear your clothes molding in the covers i'm like no and i was there the day the guy put
18:50it in
18:50it said shower for one person so we're already breaking the rules with the two of us being in there
18:57and it wouldn't be so bad but she's one of those annoying adults who like to wash her feet
19:02and you don't need to wash your feet you're an adult what are you running barefoot through the paddock
19:08you're fine just squirt a bit of shower gel on the one foot and the other foot can do that
19:13and that
19:14but no she's up there lathering up a face cloth really so how was your day oh so you enjoy
19:21that
19:22guess what's happening with me while she's doing that
19:27i'm plastered against that curved door and because it's curved the one tit is up here
19:33and the other tit is down here and my possum is trying to escape through the crack in the door
19:41you know what's my biggest worry because i have children so you know one of them is going to come
19:46in and ask me something stupid like do bunnies have knees and then they see me and they
19:55i can't believe you're 49. how was your birthday no i told you i had the best birthday ever and
20:00you
20:01cheeky prezzies the best i got the best prezzies and then i got this invite to what i assume is
20:07an
20:07orgy i can't really put my finger on it in a church or something oh you saucy mix tell you
20:13what they
20:14say 49 i said 45. we are here today to ruin the loss of hirschla castle's cougar years what the
20:22hell
20:22this looks like a terrible orgy i've been coerced please like so many horny women before her urshula
20:32became a cougar on her 40th birthday when she entered her sexual prime but today on her 49th birthday
20:39that cougar is officially deceased and she's now just some invisible middle-aged lady taking up space
20:46in the post office queue let's hear from some loved ones hi i'm jill i hooked up with urshula last
20:55year i'm really glad i got in just in time right before she passed over to the other side of
21:02middle
21:02age and i should have seen the signs because right after we did it she offered me a boiled sweet
21:10i'm
21:10sorry i can't because it was soothing on your throat hey i don't think we need to listen to
21:16anyone else i've always found urshula very sexy i know okay let's hear this one out i'd see her walking
21:22down the street sometimes and as much as i hate to see her go i love to watch her leave
21:28you know what i
21:29mean yeah but now she's a 49 year old crone now when i see her walking down the street i
21:36just worry she's
21:37gonna have a fall i'm not gonna have a fall i'm still spry as hell oh i mean you but
21:46thank you
21:47join us now as we farewell urshula's sexy underwear
21:53hey that one actually still fits my favorite nipple rings my mum left me those in her will
21:59now the ceremonial transition to more age-appropriate undergarments nominate patria
22:05and lingerie sectors the hell is there's a parachute why do they already smell like potpourri hey
22:13guys 49 but i'm still hot hot flashes don't count i'm a swinger yeah a mood swinger no i'm still
22:21adventurous like eating dinner after 5 p.m hey zip your slit i'm saying is i'm still a cougar and
22:28i'll prove
22:29it i will shag any one of you right now right here who wants some of it come on here
22:34how about
22:35you hey how about you father you wanna it must be lonely in that monastery it's so sad but i
22:42just
22:42want to let go ashes to ashes dust to dust perky boobs to saggy bust we will remember her okay
22:51so now
22:51i've already turned 49 none of you want to do me anymore oh no no honey that's just the end
22:57of
22:57the cougar years you've got a much more exciting era ahead of you what's that welcome urshula carlson to
23:05your gilf era gilf hey mm-hmm and who are these granny cases i can work with that ladies
23:19wow anyway since we've started filming this i just got some word that the lgbtqia we've added three
23:27letters in this 27 minutes and an exclamation mark and the exclamation mark is just for people who are
23:34sick of everyone's shit so if you identify as an exclamation mark there we go we've got a brand new
23:40member in the front here we'll add you to the email group thank you you have been amazing good night
23:48honestly you knew we were going to use your car and this is what you're leaving
23:53imagine what you took out coming
23:56hi ladies welcome to the current
23:59have we started yet oh yes i was like oh my god
24:04yeah i'm like what's everyone looking at us i bet you like to watch and give me that my mouth's
24:10drier than a dead dingo stonger i knew i couldn't do it hello everyone and welcome back to optimize
24:18it i'm not gonna do it i'm not gonna do it please do it optimize your three two optimize your
24:25life
24:25yes it's not me it's ursula break that moment down for me the moment that you saw crystal putting
24:32these nappies into your bed i think the thing that made me so angry about crystal is i know she
24:38doesn't have a baby where's the nappy scourge
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