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00:05Satisfy
00:08Satisfy
00:14Satisfy
00:21Satisfy
00:28Satisfy
00:29Satisfy
00:51Satisfy
00:523, 3, 2...
00:55I wanna feel...
00:59Hey, where are we?
01:043, 3, 4, 1...
01:123, 4, 1...
01:20Come on, let's you get the love
01:25Come on, let's you get your love
01:47Come on, let's you get the love
02:10Come on, let's you get the love
02:34I can have a sandwich in the Snickers
02:36With a skip the Snickers and one step closer to them caterpillar boots
02:42Here's some news, now Kristen Nobbs over there
02:44Mandy said that Nicole Gooch is chasing him
02:46I said it is so wrong, it makes you look subnormal
02:48Just don't say it again because Nicole Gooch boned off with that new bloke
02:51Proper couple and everything
02:52They went to Chinatown and it was a Thursday
02:54She wouldn't look at Kristen Nobbs if you paid her
02:56I'd give him one
02:59Because I don't know
03:00It might be Nicola Blake
03:01She likes him but she never goes out
03:04Her dad's blind, she has to sit in and read him books
03:07Or he's in a wheelchair
03:08Something like that, I don't know
03:09I would though
03:11I'd give him one
03:15You'd never
03:15Watch me, I'd give him one
03:17I'd check him right now in front of you
03:18I met this bloke called Stuart
03:20Stuart Jones
03:21Had sex
03:23No
03:23Jagged till six in the morning
03:27What?
03:29Nothing
03:31Are you surprised?
03:32No
03:32Why not?
03:34Dunno
03:36You never said
03:37Just said it, didn't I?
03:40You seen him again?
03:41Oh yeah
03:42That's brilliant, Nathan
03:47I'd give him one
03:48I'd give him one
03:51Except I haven't got one to give him
04:04Oh yeah we're all very keen for the campaign
04:07That I wanted to get out on the news today.
04:10Can
04:11you excuse me a minute? Thank
04:12you Brilliant
04:20you
04:31what his name's michael thank you but the information is not relevant he's married
04:37with kids aren't they all he's on top of me right and he's like in there he's up there
04:44and it's killing me i'm telling you it's like being stabbed by a stick and it's fantastic
04:49it's brilliant because it's him and he's looking down at me i'm right in his eyes i can feel him
04:57now i really can't it's like it's like he's left a space he's still there anyway thank you sandra
05:04that'll be all the matters in hand i'll string out the coffee as long as i can good luck don't
05:10need it
05:37he's coming right he's coming because of me and i'm locking up his face it's just amazing
05:41and he said it he said he loved me
06:05and i'm not stupid he'd say anything he was off his face but he meant it just for that second
06:11he loved me
06:15kiss yeah right
06:30all right marcy have you seen that new piece rosalie cotter started on monday what about her
06:36sticker she walks around like she's it i said i said there's no room for jackie on us it's in
06:39this
06:39shop love oh don't start she's all right i had to talk her through the roster she's nice you
06:45think yeah you think she's nice yes i do well that's brilliant because she fancies you oh she's
06:50that lovely i think she'll get on a storm right in the pub end of shift i'll have a waiting
06:54and
06:54be there a brushy tea
06:55happy having two weeks
06:56happy hoarse
06:59happy hoarse
07:00happy hoarse
07:00happy hoarse
07:00happy hoarse
07:01happy hoarse
07:04happy hoarse
07:22Let's go.
07:53I was gonna phone for a pizza.
07:55We had the cheese.
07:57We're going out to Sally Colasantos.
08:00And I'm staying the night at Donna's.
08:03See ya.
08:04Is that alright with your mother, Donna?
08:06No, like I didn't ask.
08:07You're always round there.
08:08Donna, your mother should start charging him rent.
08:10Thanks for the cheese.
08:12Bye.
08:12See ya.
08:13Bye.
08:14We need a cold word.
08:15If I phone you up and say a certain word,
08:18you come and get me.
08:19Think of a word.
08:20Twilight.
08:22How the hell am I supposed to get Twilight into a conversation?
08:25Then don't go.
08:26Oh my God.
08:28I'm here.
08:29Straight pub.
08:31I can't stop.
08:33I'm going in.
08:36What's it like?
08:39It's all true.
08:41Everything we've ever been told.
08:43Oh my God.
08:45Everything but flop wallpaper.
08:48Ah, and the people.
08:52There are people talking in sentences that have no punchline.
08:55And they don't even care.
08:58Can you believe it?
09:00They've got toilets in which no one's ever had sex.
09:05Vince, it's been lovely but this is goodbye.
09:07We'll have a candlelit vigil in your memory.
09:09I'll put a patch on the quilt.
09:12I've changed my mind.
09:14Twilight.
09:15Toph, the baby's here.
09:16Hello, Daddy.
09:17Hello.
09:18What's it taking so long?
09:21Those women who were babies from maternity wards.
09:23It takes them 30 seconds.
09:24I've changed my mind.
09:28Thanks.
09:29Look after him.
09:30Bye.
09:30Bye.
09:35Come on, slow coach.
09:36I thought it was going to be last orders waiting for you.
09:38Hiya.
09:39Hello.
09:39Oh, that's right.
09:40You two have met already.
09:43Hey, come on.
09:43Pipe yourself.
09:44We've saved you a seat.
09:45No, I'll just go and get the drinks.
09:46Same again.
09:47Same again.
09:48I'll come and give you a hand.
09:52We're getting there.
09:54Now, you be careful.
09:55Just for once, take it slowly.
09:57You don't overtake.
09:58You don't cut corners.
09:59You don't start a race.
10:00And you don't take your eyes off the road because you're cruising boys on the pavement.
10:03All right?
10:03God, you think I'm such a twat.
10:05Come on, let me.
10:09Let's go.
10:24Beam me up Scotty.
10:25Klingons on a starboard bow.
10:27That's your kind of thing, isn't it Vince?
10:29Wrong program, actually.
10:31Oh, well, what's he called then?
10:33Stavros.
10:36exterminate exterminate what was that nothing i just sort of like science fiction stuff
10:43doctor who
10:48yeah i never really watched it well no no well they moved it opposite coronation street i mean
10:55you've no chance sorry i remember that 87 to 89 i had to tape one and watch the other do
11:01you watch
11:01the street then of course i do yeah only me mom she's given up watching it because she says it's
11:06full of kids but it's not true i mean wednesday it was all fred elliott and then this past fortnight
11:11it was non-stop rita it's just not true the old ones are just as important god you really watch
11:17it don't you yeah i love it why would i stop paying he's my kid and there's some stuff at
11:25the back
11:25about insurance insurance for what anything could happen could get run over tomorrow watch out for
11:31one day and you know you could get ill i mean i'm not starving i'm not penniless but if you
11:38were to
11:38be out of work i'd need something it's for alfred not me why would i get ill it covers anything
11:46like what i don't know anything we're not talking months steward we had you tested but that was 10
11:52months ago 40 weeks ago 281 night stands ago it's for alfred really it is i've got to be sensible
12:04fine whatever you want of course i'll have to run it past the solicitor i've done that already
12:10and is he any good yeah fully qualified thanks you don't mind though
12:19it's fine
12:23fine
12:24the fucking bastard cunts first they want my money then they want me dead
12:29vince you've got to come out you're supposed to be my friend i'm sort of busy
12:34she's really nice for fuck's sake just tell her you're taking up the arse and get out of there
12:41it's my friend his mother's in hospital
13:02it's the exact opposite of childbirth first you have the baby then you get fucked in some parallel
13:09universe i just met my wife
13:13you see that lot in school all those couples other coals and cathy brojack and that lot
13:18but half of them's never done it they haven't
13:23if other coals were staying because they're split they have a snog and be a thing and that's it
13:28it goes over that's a whack town please
13:31they're just kids they're just talking i'm doing it i'm really doing it
13:40i'm doing it
13:57To be continued...
14:11Yes, walk away.
14:13You're funny, baby, baby, you're on your own,
14:15about yourself, all alone, without my head.
14:18You just made a big mistake.
14:21You think you're a man, boy?
14:23You don't be a whore.
14:24What do you think you're a man, boy?
14:26You don't be a whore.
14:27I bet all those lesbians queue up at her breast
14:30to drink the milk.
14:31Of course, you know why they chose me, don't you?
14:33Because I'm rich and because I'm handsome as fuck,
14:35and that's all.
14:35She said so, that fucking Lisa.
14:37I'm just a gene pool today, and I'm just spunk.
14:40Now, in with the collar.
14:42That's the one went out with Jason Black.
14:44Burst into tears, said his mother was dead.
14:46Said she died on the Herald of Free Enterprise.
14:48Two days later, she turns up.
14:50She's been walking the Peak District.
14:52Mad as a moose.
14:53They get benefits, don't they, though, single mothers?
14:55Have they stopped that now?
14:56Have they stopped that?
14:56I bet you they've gone and stopped that.
14:58Oh, stand by your beds.
15:01Have you seen?
15:02Have you seen?
15:0312 o'clock.
15:06Shit.
15:07Behave, Stuart, behave.
15:08What?
15:10The chicken has landed.
15:12His name is Nathan.
15:14All right.
15:17Hiya.
15:18Hi.
15:19How's the baby?
15:20Ask my solicitor.
15:23Nathan, do you want a drink?
15:25Oh, please.
15:47Oh, no, you don't.
15:57First time we came here, we were 16, older than him.
16:01And how long before anyone talked to us for ages?
16:04Go on.
16:05Be nice to him.
16:06But I don't mean shag him.
16:07I'll give me some credit.
16:10Feel the hands.
16:11He is quite sweet, don't you think?
16:12I don't know.
16:13Oh, I haven't licked him.
16:16Oh, I haven't licked him.
16:18Oh, now the dosers on the faces of the ladies of the harem of the court of King Erecticus.
16:23We're just passing by.
16:25Now the dosers on the face of the ladies of the...
16:26Just in time, will you look at the twat on the hat?
16:29We're just passing by.
16:30She needs locking up.
16:32Some people have no shame.
16:34She's like a mung.
16:36That's Vince's mother.
16:37Yeah, like imagine if it was a proper mung like that.
16:41Vinnie! Vinnie!
16:43Mum!
16:43Vinnie!
16:44Just be careful next time.
16:46I don't mind, honestly.
16:48She's off her head.
16:49We don't see much of your mother down here, Stu.
16:50Funny that.
16:52How are Mr and Mrs Jones?
16:53Still waiting for Golden Boy to get married?
16:55Because like my mother, she'd kill me if she knew I was here.
16:57Like watching Emmerdale in Zoe Taylor's having that lesbian wedding.
17:00And my mother stood up and turned it off.
17:02That's not homophobia, that's good taste.
17:04You fucked him, so it's your responsibility.
17:07Don't you dare go swanning off.
17:08Everyone's having a go at me.
17:09Listen, I have to spend every single day living with me.
17:11So I know for a fact, I'm lovely.
17:13I'm completely lovely.
17:15Danny, how's things?
17:16Not so bad.
17:16How's Peter?
17:17Still dead.
17:17Oh yeah, shit, sorry, forgot.
17:19Whoops.
17:33I should give London another go.
17:34I look around this place.
17:35I've had them all.
17:36Oh, I'm haunted by that problem.
17:37You haven't had me.
17:38There was the once.
17:41No, when?
17:42We're in his room.
17:43It's not long after I've come over here, right?
17:45So we're about 14 or 15.
17:47And Vince has got a copy of the Radio Time.
17:49Don't tell this story, don't.
17:51And we come to this photo.
17:52And we're both going like...
17:53And guess who it was?
17:54It was Barry Sheen.
17:56On his bike.
17:57In his leathers.
17:58God, I'm ashamed.
17:59It wasn't even black leather.
18:00It was red and cream.
18:01And we're looking at him going,
18:03God, look at him, look at him.
18:03And we start sort of groping ourselves, right?
18:05And Vince gets it out.
18:06Not bad either.
18:07Oh, fuck off.
18:08And I said, gives a go.
18:10So I'm giving him a wank.
18:11Nice and slow.
18:12Looking down at Barry Sheen.
18:14Oh my God, you've had each other.
18:15No, no.
18:16I'm just about to unzip.
18:17When his mother comes back here and he jumps up,
18:19he's going, oh my God, oh my God,
18:20he's jumping up, sticking her back in his trousers.
18:21That was it.
18:23Don't come.
18:24Glenn Barry Sheen broke his legs.
18:25Vince goes down to WH Smith,
18:26buys a card, sends it to Barry Sheen, London.
18:29He was a sadist man.
18:31Well, you're giving yourselves away, Barry Sheen.
18:33Showing your age.
18:34How old are you?
18:35How old do you think I am?
18:3733.
18:39Fuck off.
18:40What?
18:40I'm 29.
18:42Not for much longer.
18:43Six months to go,
18:43and then it's straight into the bladder control clinic.
18:45Then I better go for a piss while I still can.
18:49It's not that funny.
18:50I've only got three months left.
18:52Yeah, but you don't count.
19:03There's been a hundred bloody Nathans,
19:04and we always get stuck with them.
19:06This is typical bloody Stuart.
19:07You know, I'm not cleaning up his mess.
19:09It's a Friday night,
19:10and I'm not wasting it on little boy Nathan.
19:12Oh, thanks.
19:12So is my problem?
19:13Stuart's your problem.
19:14Sorry.
19:16Cool fat me looks in.
19:17Dave the Builder.
19:18Don't mind me.
19:19You don't fancy him?
19:20I need shells putting up.
19:28He always does this.
19:30He never stays in one place.
19:55Here's one.
19:57Well, turn your light off, Ben.
20:02You'll be all right, won't you?
20:04It's only out of ten.
20:06You'll get in Donner's, won't you?
20:10Look, he's not your boyfriend.
20:13He just doesn't think.
20:16He has a laugh.
20:18He's never had a boyfriend.
20:20He doesn't do boyfriends.
20:22He's...
20:22Nathan, he's a cunt.
20:26He doesn't give a toss about anyone.
20:30Ah, finally.
20:34That'll get you home.
20:41Slag him off, yeah.
20:42But then you follow him around all the time.
20:45We go back years.
20:46You're friends with a cunt.
20:48Yeah.
20:50Never got to finish that one, did you?
20:52All right, chicken.
20:54Fuck off home.
21:06Oh, yes.
21:21Only me, Mum.
21:25Oh, give us a beer, love.
21:27Look at me, sweating like a pig.
21:29He's a wanker, though, Stuart.
21:30Every time, every time he does it, I get stuck.
21:33What shift are you on tomorrow?
21:34We need to numb with these boxes.
21:36I've had Pied Piper on the phone nagging for these.
21:39Have you seen?
21:40Been upgraded.
21:41They're deluxe.
21:42They've got jewellery inside.
21:43Look, I need one.
21:45It's metal, it's nice.
21:46You don't get these in newsagents, no.
21:48They're in Kendall's this long.
21:50Vince, love, I'd be meaning to ask.
21:52You couldn't shift some of your gear in the bedroom, could you?
21:54Sort of permanent now.
21:56The odds couple, she's calling us next door.
21:58I said, what if a dog's own waifs and strays?
22:00I want to put me plants in.
22:02You don't mind, do you?
22:03No.
22:04I've been meaning to give you some spice.
22:07Thanks, Vince.
22:08You're a star.
22:09What's that about, Stuart?
22:10What's he done this time?
22:11Nothing.
22:15Nothing.
22:26Come on up.
22:28Come on up.
22:32Come on up.
22:43Come on up.
22:45Here you are.
22:48I'm not buying this coffee again.
22:49It's like dust.
22:53It's still your room.
22:54It's just the lodger.
22:58Anything for the car boots, though?
23:00Shrug it on the landing.
23:10Oh, no, you can't do this, Nathan.
23:30I won't have it.
23:30Go home.
23:31I'm not.
23:31I just want to talk.
23:32I said, go.
23:34I know you don't want to.
23:35And I'll go in a minute.
23:36I will.
23:36But can't I just sit here for a bit?
23:38Shit.
23:38I mean, like, I'll just...
23:41Aye, aye.
23:42The door was open.
23:43Your neighbour was, uh...
23:44What's this about, then?
23:45No, he's just going.
23:47I'm busy, okay?
23:48It's not a threesome, is it?
23:49No.
23:50Is it?
23:51No.
23:52I don't mind.
23:53He's a bit young.
23:54Who's he?
23:56Nathan, this is...
23:58This is Goodfuck.
24:00The name's Colin.
24:01Colin Goodfuck?
24:03You don't even know him!
24:05I met him on the internet.
24:06Now, I'm going to take Goodfuck inside and check out that name.
24:08So if you don't mind running along...
24:18Sorry about that.
24:19He's my stalker.
24:20How old is he?
24:21Don't know.
24:22Fifteen.
24:23And what's he doing?
24:24Walking on?
24:26This time of night.
24:28All right.
24:37There's whiskey by the fridge.
24:38And there's porn by the telly.
24:41Shelf underneath.
24:45Don't you rob anything!
24:56Hey, do you mind?
24:58I just left my flat in the hands of Goodfuck the stranger because of you.
25:01So don't you dare go running off.
25:04I'll get you a cab.
25:06Everyone has a go of me.
25:07Everyone.
25:09Just call it a lesson learnt.
25:11Don't show up in my...
25:12Yeah.
25:14Yeah, it's on account.
25:14Stuart Jones.
25:17Number 42601.
25:19Home address, yeah.
25:20Quick as you can.
25:21Cheers.
25:23You'll have anyone.
25:24He's nothing.
25:25He's no one.
25:26He's...
25:27He's ugly.
25:28I was there.
25:30I was there all night and I really like you.
25:32He doesn't even know you.
25:34Nathan.
25:35I've had you.
25:40He's not there.
25:43He's a metaphor.
25:48He's looking at me.
25:49He's looking at me.
25:51He's looking at me.
25:52He's looking at me.
26:00I'm looking at me.
26:23some other time oh thanks for nothing
26:29I didn't have to come here you know I had lots of offers
26:35talk to us on a promise I never promised anyone anything