- 2 days ago
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TVTranscript
00:19If I had a child, a real child, I would leave it in the woods for one year.
00:24I would check on it with a telescope, but I would like to see how it vents for itself.
00:32The best piece of advice I have ever given is just be yourself, and if no one likes this, change.
00:40I just want to be myself. I just want to express myself.
00:43But what if you're a shitty person? What if you have nothing good to offer?
00:46Become something different. Change.
00:49If you were a politician, what would your platform be?
00:52Don't look at me. Please.
00:56If you could do any other job, what would it be?
00:58Window washer.
01:00Hang from a wire and make things clear.
01:03Very philosophical.
01:07With all that you've accomplished, is there anything else that you want to do?
01:13No.
01:14I'm ready for death.
01:16Tonight.
01:20Kill me, I'm dying.
01:21Show title, not to be taken literally, is metaphorical in nature.
01:25Although, if you think about it, am I not really just an animated sack of human meat shellacked with a
01:35poisonous shell of cosmetic?
01:38In this sense, please help me.
01:42Oh, say, let us like it, wear hay to the sky, kid.
02:20The ballroom was filled with fashion's thrall.
02:21Do you think that she's happy and free from okay?
02:25Yeah, we did.
02:26Not so cute.
02:26It's good to see a master's grad do something decent with their career.
02:30De-shirt?
02:30At least 10 years.
02:31Oh, it's been a long team for me.
02:34Have you been to the campus? It's insane what they've done now.
02:36Teachers aren't jaded anymore. It's all amazing.
02:38Oh my God, why is there, it's all, it's all.
02:40It's beer's good now?
02:41But I was like a, um, like a crack whore for a while.
02:45So, you know, it's like.
02:47I know exactly, I know exactly.
02:49It's like 10 years.
02:50That's great.
02:52Thank you so much for coming back to Boston.
02:54It's been way too long.
02:55It has been too long.
02:55Thank you for coming.
02:56It's great.
02:57Come on in.
02:58I just sold your aunt my ticket.
03:00Oh, nice.
03:00Your Aunt Kathy.
03:02Shut the fuck up.
03:03You're kidding.
03:03I'm not kidding. I wish I was kidding.
03:05Aunt Kathy.
03:06Yes.
03:08Where did you come up with Olga?
03:10Can you believe I got in here?
03:13I'm not kidding.
03:14You wouldn't believe the story.
03:15This is for you.
03:15Why did she fucking call me?
03:16I tried today and I texted you.
03:18I remember.
03:19But this is.
03:19Can my friends take a picture of us all together?
03:22Because you won't believe how we got in here.
03:25Did you scam your way?
03:27No, kind of.
03:28But we're here.
03:30We're here.
03:31Friends of the family.
03:34Oh, thank you.
03:35Oh my God.
03:36No, I meant when I said you're the best thing to come out of sin.
03:38Because.
03:39Oh, thank you.
03:40That's hard.
03:41Yeah, I guess it is.
03:43And now I'm doing exactly what I went to school for.
03:46Right?
03:47It's crazy.
03:48Yeah.
03:48You can pay lots of cash.
03:49Cash.
03:50Yeah, cash.
03:51Money.
03:52Cash.
03:52One of the only ones like that.
03:53Yes.
03:55Are you ready?
04:15I stood in a churchyard just at eve when sunset a door in the west and looked at the people
04:20who'd come to grieve for loved ones now made at rest.
04:23A tall marble monument marked the grave of one who'd been fashion's queen.
04:31And I thought, she is happier here at rest than to have people say when they've seen.
04:36It's sad when you think of her wasted life and the woman who passed along.
04:40The hot summer rustles as the western lot fails like a carnival.
04:45When I was like 11, I went to see Cirque du Soleil for the first time and I didn't know
04:51what it was.
04:51And my father got tickets for the whole family to go see and I like creamed my pants.
04:57Like I was like, I was like, my jaw was like on the floor the whole time.
05:00I was just like, I was like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, the whole time.
05:07And then I was like obsessed, obsessed, obsessed, obsessed.
05:09And then it was two years until their next show would come to Boston.
05:13And I like was on the, I did one of those things on the calendar where I X'd off every
05:17day until the show was like three months in the future.
05:19and then when we got to that show I sat down and I was like this is it it's so
05:27small and then I watched the show and it and then the show ended and on the
05:33car ride home for 45 minutes I cried because it was so disappointing
06:16I was like this
06:19Spasiba.
06:22Listen, Boseman, I just have to tell you right off the bat,
06:28there is a pool of ecstatic juice forming in my midsection.
06:36I am so overcome with this ecstatic feeling to be back in my hometown.
07:05Shut up.
07:07I don't want the ego.
07:09Okay.
07:09I don't want it.
07:11Ladies and gentlemen,
07:12to each and every single fucking one of you.
07:15My name is Ekaterina Petrovna Zamlodzkova,
07:17but please just call me Katya.
07:19Hi.
07:21This is incredible.
07:23This is incredible.
07:24We are at the Wilbur.
07:28We are at the Wilbur.
07:30And it is so exciting for me to entertain you in this context
07:34because I have to admit,
07:35the nightclub circuit has lost its luster.
07:39At this time, I would be just beginning my makeup
07:43to prepare for an evening of sweating off three-quarters of my body weight.
07:49Until people are literally died of alcohol poisoning.
07:53Except one who pukes right on me.
07:57But we are here in a theater.
08:00In a theater.
08:06It feels...
08:07It feels like home.
08:09You see the theater.
08:10It's in my blood.
08:12Quite literally, I was stabbed here this morning.
08:19And for those of you who have not yet had the dubious pleasure
08:22of making my acquaintance, hello.
08:26I am simply your average, run-of-the-mill,
08:29Russian, bisexual, transvestite hooker.
08:36Enchante. Enchante.
08:37And I can sense already something I must address.
08:41It's a phenomenon known as cognitive dissonance.
08:45Because what you are seeing,
08:49what you are visually processing with your eyeball,
08:52is no doubt the spitting image of Michelle Pfeiffer.
08:57Yes.
08:59Yes.
09:01However,
09:03the auditory sensation that enters inside your ear hole is borat.
09:09Don't become emotional.
09:10It is simply an unfortunate characteristic of every single Russian woman
09:17that we are supermodel over six foot tall,
09:20but we sound like your Uncle Jerry.
09:25It's my cross to bear.
09:28Also, I must address a very unsettling fact
09:32that you are right now processing the fact that I am a concert violinist.
09:40New discoveries can be very stressful for the nervous system,
09:43so we process together now.
09:49Thank you so much for coming tonight.
10:05Thank you so much for coming tonight.
10:15We don't do that.
10:17We don't do that.
10:18We don't do that.
10:19We don't do that.
10:19We don't do that.
10:20If you've ever soaked a dirty diaper in lysergic acid
10:27during the months of July in Siberia,
10:30and then squeezed it out into your mouth in August,
10:37that's a little bit of what you have in store for you tonight.
10:46Glad to see that you have remained totally disgusting.
10:51And I know, listen, I am, yes, a very beautiful woman,
10:55but not without struggle, not without struggle.
10:58I was trying so desperately to organize the events of my life
11:05into some kind of concise and consistent presentation,
11:08but I was coming up nil.
11:11I remember, probably a year ago, I was in my apartment,
11:15perched on my stovetop,
11:17just clutching a very big warm mug of Diet Pepsi.
11:26And...
11:40Diet Pepsi.
11:42You cannot beat the real thing.
11:46And, ladies and gentlemen, as the afternoon light filtered in through the window,
11:51my dark and swollen areola
11:55were clearly visible through the worn and weathered cotton of my Target nightgown.
12:02And I was losing myself,
12:05losing myself in many moments of deep narcissistic reflection,
12:10wondering, how do I tell this story of my life?
12:13So, I figured, you know, why not just start at the beginning?
12:16I was born in Russia.
12:17At the age of three, I was mauled by a bear.
12:22So, naturally, I skipped puberty.
12:28And, at four and a half, being a fully-formed, grown adult human woman,
12:33you can imagine the jealousy.
12:42But, you know, despite this fact, my mother at the time,
12:45she insisted on tucking me into bed each and every night
12:48and telling me a bedtime story.
12:50Now, story always the same every night.
12:53She would get very close to my face, like, too close.
12:56And...
12:57With a sort of twisted, maniacal grimace, she would tell me,
13:01Katinka,
13:03the moment you were born,
13:05it's a moment from which I will never,
13:07ever physically, emotionally, or spiritually recover.
13:14It was as if the devil himself rose up from hell,
13:19wrenched apart my legs,
13:20and transformed my pelvis into a food processor.
13:26Churning my innards into this hellish stool of blood and gristle
13:29from which a bulbous head appeared.
13:34The gaping maw, somehow backlit,
13:38was emitting a screech and a scream so piercing,
13:41so horrible, I knew at this moment I had to contend with the fact
13:44that this was to be the soundtrack to the horror film my life had become.
13:51You know, they say that hindsight's 50-50.
13:56I don't believe this woman liked me very much.
14:01Now, my father, he was a very typical Russian man,
14:03very typical, proud, drunk, and dead by 50.
14:08But, at the very least, I am consoled by the fact that he died doing what he loved.
14:13Drowning.
14:17It—
14:18It—
14:35It's important to have a passion.
14:38...
14:43It—
14:43blind, crippled, amnesiac woman.
14:45I believe you call her quirky.
14:50And she was very helpful in her no-nonsense approach towards life.
14:53She would tell me, Katinka, listen,
14:55the world, horrible place.
14:57People rotten to the core.
14:59They will lie, cheat, and steal from you at every turn.
15:01So please, if for nothing else than a few welcome moments of distraction,
15:05try your best not to be ugly.
15:09She was also very helpful in elucidating quite concisely
15:12the difference between the Russian psyche and the rest of the world.
15:17As she was dying,
15:19wheezing her last fetid breaths into the atmosphere,
15:22she turned to me very dramatically and said,
15:26In Russia, no one expects to be happy.
15:41She also died standing up, which was very impressive.
15:46Very impressive.
15:48So, you know, I hate to admit it,
15:50but yes, I am cliche in the sense that I go to America.
15:53I'm seeking fame.
15:55Yeah, fortune.
15:56Okay, but just between us girls,
16:01what I'm really looking for,
16:03really searching for,
16:03is exhilarating bouts of fully penetrative sexual congress.
16:15You like sex?
16:17Yeah.
16:18It's very good, but
16:21I quickly understand that
16:23at least as far as American men are concerned,
16:26my approach towards romantic overture
16:29is disarmingly direct.
16:32I have a technique.
16:33I have a technique.
16:34I waltz into the bar.
16:38Tap, tap, tap.
16:39Oh, oh, oh, oh.
16:43Excuse me, sir.
16:45Would you care to do sex to my genital tonight?
16:55I average about a 45% success rate with this technique.
16:59Other times, though, ladies,
17:00I'm sure you can understand,
17:02women are busy people.
17:03I don't have time for this song and dance,
17:05so I simply whack them on the back of the head and go,
17:07uh, uh, uh.
17:10Uh.
17:11100% success rate with this one.
17:13Every single time.
17:22And just as a quick note,
17:24I, uh,
17:25I encountered this very mysterious Chinese refugee
17:28in the bathroom of JFK Airport once,
17:30and she said that
17:32if you, um,
17:33sort of hunch over like you're about to throw up
17:35and make your tongue like a loaf of bread,
17:37it's very sexy.
17:38Watch this.
17:47Something to do with the parasympathetic nervous system,
17:50but I'm not a scientist,
17:51so I don't know.
17:54Like I said,
17:55even in a boudoir,
17:57I am not without struggle.
18:00You have to understand that
18:02even for someone as effortlessly seductive
18:05and beautiful as me,
18:06I'm not your average girl.
18:08I'm not your typical woman.
18:10You see,
18:11my vagina,
18:12that's Russian for asshole.
18:14Um.
18:24It's a little bit further back.
18:27Um.
18:28Slightly shittier model.
18:31Um.
18:33And it requires a level of care and attention
18:36that is reserved mostly for
18:38Serbian men dying of prostate cancer.
18:42It's touch and go.
18:48And
18:49I dream big,
18:51and I embody an expensiveness
18:54which most single men cannot accommodate.
18:56For example,
18:57like I told my last boyfriend,
18:58he was a Belgian painter with no hands.
19:03The sex was bizarre.
19:07I broke up with one afternoon,
19:09and I said,
19:10listen,
19:10honey,
19:10your penis,
19:11yes,
19:12it's like a prince in a fairy tale,
19:13but
19:13my vagina
19:14is a Ken Burns miniseries.
19:17Yes.
19:21Yes.
19:22Yes.
19:22Yes.
19:23Yes.
19:24Yes.
19:25Yes.
19:30Um,
19:31excuse me,
19:32um,
19:32some more coffee,
19:33please.
19:33Oh,
19:34too easy.
19:43Girl,
19:43what is going on with you?
19:45Nothing.
19:45I'm,
19:46I'm not hungry.
19:48Then why did you ask me out to lunch?
19:50I mean,
19:50I could be out with any of my other friends
19:51pretending I like them.
19:52I just really wanted to come here.
19:54To Hamburger Mary's.
19:55Yes.
19:56Hamburger Mary's.
19:58Okay.
19:59Why this Hamburger Mary's?
20:02It's kind of embarrassing.
20:04Are you banging the bus boy?
20:05You know,
20:05he doesn't have a bus.
20:06He tells everybody that.
20:08No.
20:11I had a dream about this place.
20:13Oh,
20:13God.
20:14I know,
20:14I know,
20:15I know.
20:16Aren't you the one who's always saying,
20:17oh,
20:17I'd rather plow my face into a shovel
20:19than listen to people talk about their dreams?
20:21Yes,
20:22but
20:23I had the same dream
20:25twice.
20:26Yes.
20:26I thought you lost Drag Race.
20:28Yeah,
20:29but,
20:29okay,
20:31this is different.
20:31I've had this dream before
20:32and there's something about it.
20:33It seems
20:34real.
20:36Okay,
20:37Khan,
20:37tell me about your stupid wet dream.
20:39It's the second one I've had
20:40and they're both exactly the same.
20:43Except,
20:44you're over there.
20:58and I can sort of sense
20:59that there's something
21:00outside by the dumpster.
21:05Trixie,
21:06it's terrible.
21:07It's just awful.
21:09Oh,
21:09your career.
21:10Yes,
21:11no,
21:11well,
21:11that,
21:11yeah,
21:12that's fair.
21:13You're
21:14in both dreams
21:15and you're scared
21:16and once I get it
21:18that you're scared,
21:19I become terrified
21:21because you feel it too
21:22so that's how I think
21:23it's real
21:23and then,
21:26then,
21:28I realize what it is.
21:30Katya,
21:31I don't feel that way
21:32about you.
21:33Okay,
21:33we can do like
21:33some hand stuff
21:34but that's as far
21:35as I'm going to go.
21:36Why wouldn't,
21:36just a blowjob,
21:37maybe a blowjob.
21:37No,
21:38okay,
21:38fine,
21:38that's okay,
21:39okay,
21:39so,
21:39but in the dream,
21:41there's a woman,
21:42I can see her face,
21:43she's rotted
21:44and she has these
21:45gold hoop earrings.
21:47Morgan McMichaels.
21:48Yes,
21:49no,
21:49maybe,
21:49I don't know.
21:50I just hope,
21:52I hope I never have to see
21:54that face ever again.
21:55Wait,
21:56didn't you jerk off
21:57a homeless guy
21:57behind that dumpster?
21:59Twice.
22:00And he wasn't homeless,
22:02he was just in between
22:02living situations
22:03which is totally understandable
22:04but that's beside the point.
22:05Like,
22:06I know something's out there
22:09and I can't describe
22:10what it is.
22:12I know it's insane
22:13but I had to come here
22:15to see if,
22:16to see if he'll move in
22:17with you.
22:19No,
22:19I just need this
22:20building to go away.
22:25Okay,
22:26Sylvia Hashbrown,
22:27I'm going to go pay for this
22:28and then you and I
22:29are going to go
22:31jerk off your dream hobo.
22:32Okay.
22:50You have a huge vagina,
22:52you can do this.
22:52I'm going to go,
22:53I'm going to go.
23:02Oh,
23:18boy,
23:19I don't know.
23:49I don't know.
24:20You are heavier than I thought.
24:24Okay, I'm bored.
24:30Has anyone seen my dead dog?
24:36A little maiden
24:40Tucked her uncle's glove
24:44Why are you single?
24:49Where is your love?
24:51I have a sweetheart
24:56I'll tell it all
25:00I believe her faith
25:03Let's enter the ball
25:10After the ball is over
25:14After the break of dawn
25:17After the dancers leaving
25:22After the stars are gone
25:25Many a part is aching
25:30If you could read them all
25:34Many the hopes that have vanished
25:39After the ball
25:42I don't know
25:45Why are you coming soon?
26:10Why are you coming soon?
26:22fucking eight boss and how we feeling tonight
26:31what's up guys my name is trish thompson i'm a hairdresser
26:35i cut hair out of my mom's garages whatever and uh what an honor
26:40what a fucking pleasure
26:48what a privilege it is
26:49to be standing here
26:51a woman of grace
26:52in her home fucking town
26:58celebrating as I am
26:5914 days clean and sober
27:01by the grace of God
27:02still smoking a little bit of pot
27:08still smoking a little bit of pot
27:09and just in the spirit of honesty
27:11I made a take in a half dozen
27:13antihistamines before the show
27:16washed them down with a full bottle of Robitussin
27:19but listen
27:20it's my journey
27:22it's my miracle
27:27and I'm very happy
27:28very happy to be here
27:31now before we get into it
27:33I got a little bit of programming note
27:35I'm not exactly technically allowed
27:38to be outside the house
27:39at the current time
27:41however
27:41however
27:42should my PO wiggle through that back door
27:44I feel like
27:44I feel like I got a solution
27:46hang on
27:46let's see if this works
28:05where'd she go
28:06nobody knows
28:09oh shit
28:10not pregnant by the way
28:12just eating real good these days
28:16oh Boston
28:17it's such a
28:18you know
28:18this place is in my heart
28:22my heart
28:23my heart is here honey
28:23you just hold down that
28:24for thanks
28:24you know
28:27the only town
28:28where an out of town visitor
28:30will pretty much
28:31be guaranteed
28:32three things
28:33number one
28:33you're gonna get spat on
28:37number two
28:37you're gonna get called
28:38racial slur
28:39but the wrong one
28:43and
28:45at the end of the night
28:46no matter what day
28:47of the week it is
28:47you're gonna find yourself
28:49in the curious position
28:50of being convinced
28:52to help somebody
28:52light their car on fire
28:56Boston
28:56it is wonderful
28:57anybody here from the suburbs
28:59we got Peabody
29:00anybody here from Peabody
29:03Swampscott
29:05Revere
29:08Saugus
29:10Ernie Bach Jr.
29:11right on Route 1
29:12and Saugus
29:12on the automobile
29:14Ernie Bach Jr.
29:19catch yourself
29:20a nice fucking
29:21Toyota
29:22Ernie Bach Jr.
29:30Patriots won
29:31the Super Bowl
29:36I don't know
29:37nothing about football
29:38but I'm very excited
29:39very excited
29:40despite
29:41visibly struggling
29:42with some
29:43fibromyalgia
29:44chronic pain
29:45I gotta
29:46I got a crick neck
29:47I got a bum leg
29:48I got some
29:48patchy psoriasis
29:49on my right thigh
29:50but
29:50through it all
29:51I'm here
29:53I'm delighted
29:54to share this moment
29:55with you
29:55now
29:56I gotta
29:57be honest again
29:58with you though
29:59I know it's a comedy show
30:01but
30:01I feel compelled to share
30:02that um
30:04I'm feeling a little bit
30:05of fear
30:06I got a little anxiety
30:07cause
30:08oh I love you too hun
30:10and listen
30:12you
30:13I know you
30:14Marie
30:15Marie you lost
30:15a lot of weight
30:16honey
30:16and you look
30:16fantastic
30:23I know
30:23and honey
30:24girl
30:24I know
30:25what the
30:25I know
30:26the struggles
30:26with that
30:26keto diet
30:27is working
30:27wonders for you
30:30and don't
30:31listen to Denise
30:32she's just jealous
30:33she's a fucking
30:33bitch
30:34you know
30:34don't let her
30:34get you down
30:36but honey
30:36go with God
30:37you are doing
30:38great
30:40anyways
30:41like I was
30:42saying
30:42I'm filled
30:43with fear
30:44and
30:45I'm rapidly
30:46approaching
30:46a point
30:46in my life
30:47where I'm
30:47having to
30:47kind of
30:48reconcile
30:48the fact
30:49that
30:49yeah
30:50I'm getting
30:50older
30:51and
30:51some of my
30:52feminine
30:52wiles
30:53are no longer
30:54at my disposal
30:56you know
30:56back in the day
30:57I could charm
30:58the pants
30:58off any priest
31:02I know
31:03in this
31:04archdiocese
31:04that's not
31:05really that
31:05impressive
31:06but
31:14but it is
31:16if you got
31:16a pussy
31:16so
31:22Patriots won
31:22the Super Bowl
31:27but
31:27you know
31:28I'm quickly
31:29realizing
31:30that menopause
31:30is not exactly
31:31what it's
31:31cracked up to be
31:32and
31:33I'm just
31:34I'm worried
31:35that
31:35my powers
31:36of seduction
31:37are really
31:37losing their
31:38luster
31:38every day
31:39and so
31:40I wonder
31:40and I was
31:41curious
31:41I'm just
31:42I don't know
31:42I hope it's not
31:43too much
31:43of an imposition
31:44but I thought
31:44I might ask
31:45if there might
31:46be a gentleman
31:47here tonight
31:47who wouldn't
31:48mind
31:50in a manner
31:50of speaking
31:51coming up here
31:52to take a little
31:53walk on the
31:53wild side
32:06you're here in front
32:06hey no
32:07just sit down
32:09what's your name
32:10hon
32:11what
32:12base
32:12is that foreign
32:17that's your mother
32:17what the fuck
32:19were you on
32:19when you named him
32:20hon
32:20no don't
32:21wait
32:21it's okay
32:21it's okay
32:21it's okay
32:23god
32:23white people
32:28if you don't
32:29mind
32:29I'm gonna call
32:30you Brandon
32:30is that alright
32:31so
32:32Brandon
32:33what I need
32:33you to do
32:34is very calmly
32:35and gingerly
32:35just
32:36stand up
32:37and wiggle
32:37right over
32:38these stairs
32:38okay
32:38because I want
32:39you to come
32:39on stage
32:40alright
32:40yeah
32:47oh
32:48god
32:49touch the
32:49sciatic
32:50it too
32:50hey
32:51Brandon
32:51how are you
32:51give it up
32:52for Brandon
32:52everybody
32:59alright
32:59now just
33:00hold there
33:00for one second
33:01I want to
33:01I want you
33:02to
33:05just plant
33:05your butt
33:06right in this
33:06chair
33:08what a nice
33:09handsome man
33:09he is
33:10huh
33:13so
33:14Brandon
33:15I want you
33:16to just
33:16completely relax
33:17no pressure
33:18I'm not gonna
33:19make you do
33:19no song
33:20and dance
33:20nothing
33:20embarrass
33:21yourself
33:21in front
33:21of your
33:21mother
33:22but what
33:22I would
33:23like you
33:23to do
33:23is close
33:24your eyes
33:25that's right
33:26sit back
33:27and drop
33:28and drop
33:29and drop
33:29into a state
33:29of relaxation
33:30so total
33:31that you
33:32forget where
33:32you are
33:33and where
33:34you're from
33:34take a deep
33:36breath in
33:40good
33:41now
33:41if we can
33:42employ your powers
33:44of visualization
33:44for just a moment
33:45imagine that you're
33:46on a sunlit beach
33:49you get a timeshare
33:51down in the Turks
33:51and Caicos
33:53now
33:54you know it's a scam
33:55but you're a young
33:56hopeful man
33:56who just
33:57got nothing for the
33:58best in your future
33:59now you're just
34:00lounging on the
34:01sand
34:02wearing a nice
34:03speedo
34:03and your pubic
34:04ears peeking out
34:04through the sides
34:05but
34:06nobody's there
34:07to judge you
34:08nobody's there
34:08to harass you
34:09you're just
34:09living your truth
34:11your big
34:12gay truth
34:13right on the
34:14right on the
34:15shore
34:15the sun
34:17blazing in the
34:18background
34:18the waves
34:20lapping at your
34:20little piggies
34:21and you are just
34:23totally calm
34:24totally relaxed
34:25totally at peace
34:27until
34:29you happen to
34:30notice out of the
34:31corner of your eye
34:32a strange
34:33shadowy figure
34:37could be a woman
34:41it's hard to tell
34:44but what is
34:45certainly clear
34:46is that this
34:48figure
34:48this entity
34:49this being
34:49is grooving
34:51she is
34:52grooving
34:58and
35:00as she
35:01slowly
35:03but methodically
35:04makes her way
35:04towards you
35:07you begin to
35:08take stock
35:09of your life
35:11like I said
35:13you're a young
35:14man with a bright
35:15future
35:15you did great
35:16in college
35:16but as this
35:17entity
35:18as this being
35:21approaches
35:24you can't help
35:26but conjure up
35:26images from that
35:27movie
35:27The Exorcist
35:30or The Ring
35:31or Adventures
35:33in Babysitting
35:34point is
35:36your mind is
35:37going a mile
35:37a minute
35:37as this being
35:38this woman
35:39this thing
35:39is undulating
35:41gyrating
35:41inching closer
35:43towards you
35:43with each breath
35:44as you
35:45prepare for
35:46what seems like
35:47could be an
35:48overture romantic
35:49interest
35:49or a sexually
35:51predatory attack
35:52but either way
35:54either way
35:55you brace yourself
35:56as a strange
35:58pungent
35:59acrid aroma
35:59wafts from her
36:00genitalia
36:01and
36:02you did great
36:04on the SATs
36:05but that's not
36:05going to help
36:06you here hun
36:11and
36:13you bite down
36:14hard
36:14and just grip
36:15your thighs
36:15as she prepares
36:16to make her
36:17mount
36:39and Brandon
36:40just in a flash
36:42she's gone
36:45evaporated into thin air
36:46you are left
36:47feeling with a sense
36:48of loneliness
36:48of longing
36:50she's graciously
36:51concealing the
36:51semi-chub that
36:52has popped up
36:53in your shorts
36:53right now
36:56you are rocketed
36:57back to a reality
36:58so distant
36:59so disturbing
37:00you are left
37:00to wonder
37:00how was it
37:01that in just
37:02a few brief
37:02short moments
37:03I was able
37:03to fall so
37:04completely in love
37:05with this
37:05humpbacked woman
37:07how
37:09did I allow
37:10herself to display
37:11her genitals
37:11so clearly
37:12so close to my
37:12face
37:13and allow her
37:13to sweat
37:13all over me
37:14how did I
37:14let her get away
37:15and more importantly
37:16how did she
37:17manage to get
37:17away with
37:18my wallet
37:40I'm happy to report
37:41that
37:42you know
37:43initially
37:43the whole point
37:44of this exercise
37:45was to see
37:46if I still got it
37:46in a sense
37:47but I'm less
37:49concerned with
37:50how you're
37:50feeling right now
37:51because to be
37:52perfectly honest
37:53Brandon
37:54I think I'm
37:55a little wet
37:55downstairs
37:59and you know
38:00as long as
38:01my engine
38:01is still capable
38:02of revving up
38:03I don't really
38:04care what's
38:04going on with
38:05you but
38:06I do want to
38:07thank you
38:08for being the
38:08catalyst
38:09because I
38:10oh you know
38:11what
38:11it's actually
38:12it's a little
38:13bit of pee
38:13never mind
38:15in any case
38:16in any case
38:18I would like
38:18to let you
38:19know that
38:20it has been
38:21sworn to me
38:22by several
38:23physicians
38:23medical doctors
38:24that the
38:25herpes simplex
38:26virus is not
38:27communicable
38:28through
38:28Trump Lloyd
38:29denim
38:30so
38:32for tonight
38:32hon you're in
38:33the clear
38:33nothing to worry
38:34about
38:34but I would
38:35like to thank
38:35you for coming
38:35up here
38:36give it up
38:36for Brandon
38:45everybody
38:45one sec
38:49thank you so
38:50much
38:50thank you so
38:51much
38:58what a crowd
38:59what a night
39:00ladies and
39:00gentlemen
39:00I am so
39:01super jazzed
39:02to be here
39:02now
39:02it's funny
39:03the human
39:04body
39:06it's
39:06what a mystery
39:07the human
39:08body
39:08I remember
39:09back in 97
39:10I got my
39:11period
39:11every single
39:13day
39:16for like
39:16eight or
39:17nine months
39:18and
39:19I think it was
39:20at a Christmas
39:20party that I
39:21realized
39:43that robe
39:44assassin's kicking
39:44in
39:56oh shit
39:58well
39:58what was it
39:59oh yeah
40:00listen
40:00eight or
40:01nine months
40:01straight in a
40:02row every
40:02single day
40:03and then
40:03during the
40:04holidays
40:04I'm at a
40:05fucking
40:05Christmas
40:05party
40:06down in
40:06Lowell
40:11and I
40:12realized
40:12it's just
40:13a wound
40:20from a
40:22fucking
40:22samurai
40:23saw it
40:25I can be
40:27such a
40:27ditzy
40:27blonde
40:28hello
40:28hello
40:30now
40:32in terms
40:40now if
40:42we're
40:42examining
40:43the broad
40:43tapestry
40:44of human
40:44emotion
40:45and the
40:45experience
40:46of being
40:46a person
40:47I gotta
40:47tell you
40:48my favorite
40:49thing
40:50in the
40:50world
40:51is this
40:52sort of
40:52soul crunching
40:55abject
40:55sense of
40:56humiliation
40:58shame
41:14deep into the
41:17darkness
41:17peering
41:18long I
41:20stood there
41:21wondering
41:21fearing
41:23doubting
41:24dreaming
41:25dreams
41:26no mortal
41:27ever dreamed
41:28before
41:31distinctly
41:32I remember
41:33it was in
41:34the bleak
41:35December
41:36and each
41:37separate
41:38dying
41:39amber
41:39wrought
41:40its ghost
41:41upon the
41:42floor
41:42and the
41:43silken
41:44sad
41:45uncertain
41:47rustling
41:47of each
41:48purple
41:48curtain
41:49thrilled
41:49me
41:50filled
41:51me
41:52with
41:52fantastic
41:53terrors
41:54never felt
41:54before
41:56but the
41:57silence
41:58was unbroken
42:00and the
42:01stillness
42:02gave no
42:02token
42:02and the
42:04only word
42:05there spoken
42:05was the
42:06whispered
42:07word
42:07Lenore
42:09in the
42:10west
42:11the falling
42:12light still
42:12glows
42:13and the
42:13clustered
42:14house stops
42:14glitter in
42:15the sun
42:15but here
42:16death
42:16is already
42:17chalking
42:18the doors
42:18with crosses
42:19and calling
42:19the ravens
42:20and the
42:22ravens
42:22are flying
42:23in
42:25hi guys
42:32wow
42:35first of all
42:36thank you for
42:37being like the
42:37best crowd
42:38ever
42:38this is so
42:39wonderful
42:43and yes
42:44did you
42:44stung
42:45now its
42:45tights
42:46I did
42:46certainly
42:46did
42:47stung
42:47these
42:47tights
42:48yeah
42:50it's great
42:50to be back
42:51in what
42:52was my
42:52hometown
42:53for
42:5335
42:54fucking
42:54years
42:55well
42:58Boston
42:59for about
42:59good 15
43:00and then
43:00Marlboro
43:00just like
43:01the cigarettes
43:01for
43:07a terrible
43:08horrible
43:09nondescript
43:10suburb
43:10right
43:10central
43:11Massachusetts
43:12anybody
43:13here from
43:14Marlboro
43:16yeah
43:16yeah
43:20Eli
43:20Manning
43:29I'm from
43:30the television
43:30but
43:33for many
43:34of you
43:35I'm just
43:35from literally
43:36right down
43:36the street
43:37I used to
43:37live right
43:38above
43:38Jacques
43:38Cabaret
43:44and for
43:45so many
43:45years
43:46we did
43:46a show
43:53for so
43:54many years
43:54did a
43:54wonderful
43:54show
43:55about
43:55Perestroika
43:55that
43:56yeah
43:58and it
43:59was a
44:00much simpler
44:00time in my
44:01life
44:01where I
44:01was a
44:01part-time
44:02hooker
44:02and I
44:04do not
44:05wish to
44:05stand here
44:06before you
44:06Bob
44:07I won't
44:07do it
44:07and glamorize
44:09the life of
44:09prostitution
44:10but I
44:10have to
44:11confess
44:11that yes
44:11it was
44:12the best
44:12job I
44:13ever
44:13had
44:18I
44:19made my
44:19own hours
44:20I was
44:20my own
44:21boss
44:21I had
44:22a schedule
44:23on a
44:23whiteboard
44:24in my
44:24bathroom
44:24and
44:26it was
44:27the most
44:28interesting
44:28job
44:28from a
44:29sociological
44:29point of
44:30view
44:30from a
44:30financial
44:31perspective
44:32not so
44:32much
44:33and here's
44:33why
44:33because I
44:34was so
44:34bad at
44:35receiving
44:35money
44:37from the
44:38Johns
44:38there was
44:39one time
44:40in particular
44:40that I'm
44:41a little bit
44:41embarrassed to
44:42admit so why
44:42not do it
44:43on the
44:43special
44:49I
44:50and you
44:51know I
44:51recently
44:52became an
44:52uncle so I
44:53know that
44:53one day in
44:54the future
44:54my lovely
44:55little nephew
44:56will grow
44:56up to be
44:57a man
44:57and will
44:58watch this
44:59and feel
44:59horrified by
45:00it
45:03there was
45:04this old
45:05man who
45:06about maybe
45:0665 66
45:07years old
45:08who I
45:08brought up
45:09to my
45:09apartment
45:10to engage
45:11in a little
45:12bit of sexual
45:13transaction
45:13and long
45:27okay
45:37you know that is
45:40the marvel of
45:41verbal communication
45:42in that one
45:44word
45:44two syllables
45:45I felt
45:46seen
45:48I felt
45:49heard
45:51and there
45:52was this
45:52I mean
45:53there was
45:54this palpable
45:55sense of
45:55empathy
45:56just
45:58namaste
45:58to you
45:59thank you
45:59so much
46:06but so
46:07one night
46:07one lonely
46:08night
46:08I
46:09long story
46:10short
46:10I licked
46:10this grandpa's
46:11ass
46:12and
46:14and when
46:14it came
46:15time to
46:16collect payment
46:16which of
46:17course girls
46:17you gotta do
46:18it up front
46:18I neglected
46:19to do this
46:20and so
46:20when I
46:20humbly
46:21requested
46:21to be
46:22paid
46:22he proceeded
46:23to offer
46:24me
46:2540
46:26sweat
46:26stained
46:27lipstick
46:28imprinted
46:29single dollar
46:30bills
46:30that I thought
46:31was a little
46:32bit curious
46:32because I
46:33had just
46:33done a show
46:34earlier that
46:34night
46:35and made
46:35about
46:3545 dollars
46:36I thought
46:37you know
46:37what
46:37grandpas
46:38are honest
46:39people
46:39and um
46:40so I
46:41accepted
46:41the money
46:42and I
46:42said
46:42well
46:42the thing
46:43is
46:43you know
46:44there's
46:45actually
46:45you're
46:4560 dollars
46:46short
46:46and he's
46:47like
46:47oh
46:48well
46:49I'll just
46:49run over
46:50to the
46:50ATM
46:50and I'll
46:51be right
46:51back
46:51and I was
46:51like
46:52okay
46:52grandpa
46:53I'll wait
46:53right here
46:57and for
46:58about an
46:59hour and
46:5945 minutes
47:02I went
47:03through the
47:03full range
47:04of human
47:04emotion
47:06starting
47:07at
47:07frustration
47:09shame
47:11fear
47:12and
47:12just
47:13circling
47:14round and
47:14round and
47:15round
47:15and I
47:16believe it
47:16was that
47:17moment
47:17where I
47:17became
47:18grizzled
47:19ornery
47:20and surly
47:22that
47:22that grandpa
47:23is lucky
47:24he didn't
47:24come back
47:25because I
47:26would have
47:26tore him
47:27a new
47:27fucking
47:27asshole
47:32and probably
47:33would have
47:33licked that
47:33one too
47:36but thank
47:37God
47:37thank God
47:38through the
47:38the marvels
47:39of television
47:40I was able
47:40to transcend
47:41this horrible
47:42fate
47:42and become
47:43a reality
47:44TV superstar
47:45oh
47:48oh
47:49thank God
47:50but
47:52before that
47:53happened
47:53I enrolled
47:54in college
47:55at first
47:58I went to
47:59Boston University
48:00everybody
48:00Boston University
48:03I
48:03decided to
48:05study the
48:05lucrative
48:06and practical
48:07major
48:08known as
48:09French literature
48:11but then I
48:12decided
48:12I don't want
48:13to just
48:13work for the
48:14man
48:14so
48:16I transferred
48:17to art school
48:17and enrolled
48:19yeah
48:19decided to
48:21settle on
48:21something
48:21that was
48:22a little
48:22even
48:22more
48:23lucrative
48:23more
48:24practical
48:24performance
48:25art
48:26so
48:28I enrolled
48:29in the
48:29Massachusetts
48:30College of
48:31Art and
48:31Design
48:35and
48:35my first
48:37day of
48:37school
48:38was wild
48:39well
48:39actually
48:39first day
48:40of school
48:40was 9-11
48:41so that
48:41was ominous
48:43yeah
48:44that was
48:44ominous
48:45but
48:46second day
48:46of school
48:47let me
48:48tell you
48:48so
48:50but it's
48:51true
48:53I didn't
48:53do it
48:58Bush did
49:04so
49:05I
49:06the first
49:07day of
49:07art school
49:07so we
49:08had a
49:09low-tech
49:10performance
49:10group
49:10which in
49:11my major
49:11meant
49:11like
49:11if you
49:12wanted to
49:12do some
49:13kind of
49:13performance
49:13that did
49:14not involve
49:14a lot
49:14of technology
49:15like sing
49:15a song
49:16or do
49:16a dramatic
49:16reading
49:17something like
49:17that
49:17so we
49:18all gathered
49:19in a
49:19beautiful
49:19courtyard
49:20on campus
49:20and we
49:21all sat
49:22down on
49:22a bench
49:22as the
49:22first
49:23girl to
49:24do her
49:24presentation
49:24stood up
49:25and walked
49:26very calmly
49:27right to the
49:27center of the
49:28courtyard
49:28turned around
49:29looked at us
49:30all
49:30and then proceeded
49:32to take off
49:33every single
49:33article of
49:34clothing she
49:34had on
49:36once
49:37completely
49:38stripped
49:38naked
49:39she closed
49:40her eyes
49:41took a few
49:42deep breaths
49:43opened her
49:44eyes
49:44looked at us
49:45all in the
49:46face
49:47and then
49:47proceeded to
49:49scream
49:49bloody murder
49:50at the top
49:51of her lungs
49:52and I'm not
49:52talking like
49:53I mean
49:53it was as if
49:55every serial
49:56killer in the
49:57history of the
49:57world was
49:58butchering her
49:59in the sense
49:59that she was
50:00screaming
50:01her face
50:02was beet red
50:03the veins
50:03bulging in her
50:04forehead
50:05people all around
50:06the building
50:06are like
50:06what the fuck
50:07is going on
50:08as we
50:10her classmates
50:10are just
50:11staring
50:11passively
50:12one
50:13okay
50:13okay
50:14and then
50:15after two
50:16to three
50:16minutes of
50:16continuous
50:17blood
50:18curdling
50:19shrieking
50:19it happened
50:21she started
50:23pissing
50:26and listen
50:28I love
50:29water sports
50:30so I'm not
50:31like
50:31this was not
50:33a tinkle
50:34this was not
50:34a trickle
50:35this was some
50:36fucking
50:37demonic
50:37Mr. Ed
50:38fire hose
50:40thick
50:41fucking
50:41piss stream
50:42like
50:43creating at
50:44least a
50:44six inch
50:45divot
50:45into the
50:46fucking
50:46courtyard
50:46grass
50:47she was
50:48pissing
50:49and pissing
50:50and I mean
50:51she could have
50:51like if you
50:52had held her
50:52horizontally
50:53you could have
50:53used her as
50:53a battering ram
50:54to get into
50:55a
50:55and then
50:58finally
50:58it stopped
51:01she closed
51:02her eyes
51:02and composed
51:02herself
51:03and then
51:05gathered her
51:05clothes
51:06put them
51:06back on
51:07and just
51:07walked back
51:07over for
51:08a very
51:08reasonable
51:08critique
51:10and
51:12but the
51:12kicker was
51:13I mean
51:13it was so
51:14strange
51:14we actually
51:15had a very
51:15like thoughtful
51:16discussion
51:17about what
51:17we had just
51:17witnessed
51:18it was the
51:18first day
51:18of school
51:19and
51:21the strange
51:22thing was
51:22though
51:24about
51:24the third
51:25or fourth
51:25student
51:26who was
51:26offering
51:27commentary
51:27she interrupted
51:28and said
51:29wait wait wait
51:29wait wait
51:31did I pee
51:43Mary there's
51:44a crater
51:44in the
51:44courtyard
51:48that you
51:49just did
51:49with your
51:50I fucking
51:50that's when I
51:51knew I had
51:52made the
51:52right decision
51:53to go to
51:53art school
51:57true story
52:01now
52:01you know
52:02I wish it
52:02was all
52:03fun and
52:03games
52:03after leaving
52:04art school
52:04I sort
52:05of carried
52:06on in the
52:06long tradition
52:07of artistic
52:08life
52:09I became
52:09a drug addict
52:10but
52:12after some
52:13protracted
52:13years of
52:14turbulence
52:14I finally
52:16I finally
52:17achieved my
52:18dream
52:18now I
52:19had been
52:19applying to
52:20RuPaul's Drag Race
52:21for years
52:22and have a
52:23very rigorous
52:24and involved
52:25application process
52:27where you have
52:27to submit so
52:28many materials
52:29it's so
52:29arduous
52:29and I think
52:30for that reason
52:31they weed out
52:32a lot of people
52:32who aren't that
52:32serious
52:33but finally
52:34after I think
52:35five or six
52:36times
52:37I got the
52:38call
52:38and I was
52:39just about
52:40to give up
52:41I had actually
52:42already enacted
52:43plan B
52:44which was
52:45to become
52:46a therapist
53:02I'm
53:03right
53:04okay
53:07now I am
53:08I'm so
53:09grateful that I
53:09was able to
53:10you know
53:11that both
53:11I and many
53:12many mentally
53:14ill people
53:14in New England
53:14were able to
53:15dodge a bullet
53:15that day
53:18but I finally
53:19got the call
53:19and I got on
53:19RuPaul's Drag Race
53:21but when I was
53:21moving to Los Angeles
53:22recently I came
53:23across all this
53:24old crap
53:25and in a box
53:26was old
53:28videotapes
53:28and some of
53:29these videotapes
53:30were the clips
53:31from the very
53:31first audition
53:32video I submitted
53:33for RuPaul's Drag Race
53:34and I want to
53:35show you a clip
53:35is that okay
53:42now
53:45you have to
53:45realize
53:46this was
53:46this was
53:47before YouTube
53:48there was no
53:49there was no
53:50easy way to
53:50figure out
53:51how to do
53:51makeup
53:51it was very
53:52spackle over
53:53sandpaper
53:53kind of trial
53:54and error
53:55so the makeup
53:56application techniques
53:57are a bit
53:58primitive
53:58however
53:59I do believe
54:00that the charisma
54:01the uniqueness
54:01of so on
54:02and so forth
54:02are present
54:02so please
54:03take a look
54:04at my very first
54:05audition videotape
54:06thank you
54:06thank you
54:43thank you
55:14wait that's the
55:15wrong clip
55:16oh shit
55:20I am so sorry
55:24I tried out
55:25for the
55:25Boy Scouts
55:26of America
55:30so we're almost
55:31at the end
55:31of the show
55:31but it is
55:32clearly stipulated
55:34in my contract
55:35since it is a comedy
55:36show I have to
55:36tell a joke
55:40so I'm going to
55:41take this very
55:41seriously
55:42I have a joke
55:43I have one good
55:44joke and I'd love
55:45to tell it to you
55:45tonight I've been
55:46practicing for about
55:47three and a half
55:47years and I'm
55:49going to watch a lot
55:50of YouTube clips
55:51about how to do
55:51stand up
55:52and I'm going to
55:53do a little
55:54stand up comedy
55:55right from over here
55:56I'm just going to
55:56enter from this
55:57way to a stand up
55:58comedy watching a lot
55:59of YouTube clips
56:00know exactly what
56:00I'm doing
56:01okay Boston
56:08wow hey
56:09whoa
56:10hey what is the deal
56:11with can you help
56:11me figure out
56:12I have no idea
56:13ladies ladies ladies
56:14ladies
56:18here's the thing
56:25let me tell my joke
56:30if I don't tell my
56:31joke they won't let
56:32me off the stage
56:33and give me my
56:33money
56:43here's my joke
56:56okay
57:04what did the gay
57:05necrophiliac say
57:07about his ex-lover
57:10that rotten asshole
57:11split on me again
57:14Boston thank you so
57:15much I love you
57:17I love you I love
57:18you I love you I
57:18love you I love you
57:23thank you thank you
57:25thank you thank you
57:25thank you thank you
57:26thank you
57:34oh thank you so
57:35much thank you
57:35so much
57:36thank you so much
57:59thank you so much
58:07I'll see you in the next video.
58:08I'll see you in the next video.