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First broadcast 27th September 2013.

Stephen Fry

Alan Davies
David Mitchell
Sue Perkins
Ross Noble

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00Good evening and welcome to QA.
00:02Well, tonight the K is silent, as in knits, knots, knackers and knobs.
00:08Let's meet a knit witch, Sue Perkins.
00:15Not a lot, Russell Lowell.
00:22Slightly knackered, David Mitchell.
00:28And a complete knit, say no more, Alan Davies.
00:37Right.
00:39All the Ks are quiet and so are their knoises.
00:43Sue goes, shh.
00:46Ross goes,
00:52David goes,
00:55That was a pin dropping.
00:57You could hear it.
00:58Yeah.
00:59And Alan goes,
01:00Silence is going.
01:02Very nice.
01:04And how many knots are there in this picture?
01:09Hmm.
01:10Silence.
01:14Yes.
01:15Two.
01:17No.
01:21Four.
01:23Four.
01:26You've got some options.
01:29Oh, no.
01:31Oh.
01:36One.
01:38Yeah.
01:45There are two hitches, a bend and a knot.
01:48The one on the right is a canoose.
01:51Yes.
01:52A noose, but it is a knot.
01:53Oh, a noose is a knot.
01:54A noose is a top and a knot.
01:56A hangman's knot.
01:57Hitches are the first one and the third one.
01:59It's correct.
01:59They are hitches and the second one is what's known as a bend.
02:03In everyday speech, of course, the word knot is used for all of them,
02:07but this is QI where everyday speech is completely hammer-bub-bub-bub-bub-bub-bub.
02:12So the highwayman's hitch, for example, have an example of a highwayman's hitch.
02:17That's where you hitch a horse and the tighter you pull, the tighter it goes,
02:22but when you want to get away quickly, you pull the short one.
02:25Oh, that is good.
02:26Isn't that clever?
02:27Does he not just run off with a stick?
02:29It's a twist in the ground.
02:31I'll say that.
02:32Because if you tied up your dog to that and you went, right, and then threw it
02:36and the dog ran up, it's got a lot of confusion there.
02:40Another one was called the European Death Knot, the Euro Death Knot, or E-D-K.
02:46Was that named by UKIP?
02:50It's also a one-sided overhand bend.
02:53It's used for joining two ropes, as you can see.
02:55It's perfectly safe, used right, but a lot of climbers thought it wasn't safe
02:59and it was invented in Europe, so American climbers called it the Euro Death Knot.
03:03In fact, it's very, very old, and the 5,300-year-old man, Bertsy,
03:08who was discovered in the Alps, dead, obviously.
03:12Sorry for a moment there.
03:15He was preserved.
03:16He was there for 5,000 years ago.
03:17Will somebody help?
03:19He had amongst his possessions, and not tied exactly in that fashion,
03:23so it shows we've been doing it for a very long time.
03:27And that would have been before rope was invented, sure.
03:29I'll have called that off.
03:31And the other hitch we saw was called the Snuggle Hitch,
03:34which is a more secure version of the better-known Sailor's Knot,
03:38the Clove Hitch.
03:40You look at me as if I would know that.
03:41Sorry, I just...
03:42Come on, Susan, you know it.
03:45One of the surprising things about it,
03:47because it looks reasonably simple,
03:49was that it was invented in 1987,
03:53or at least that's when it was very first introduced
03:55into the International Knot Tyres Guild.
04:00Don't they think they had enough knots?
04:02Yeah, no.
04:03There are 3,800 in there.
04:06We're not going to go through each one of them.
04:08So that's a very specific 80s knot?
04:11Did somebody go,
04:11We need a way of tying down Bananarama.
04:17It was a man called Owen Nuttall, anyway,
04:19who invented it,
04:20and he called it the Snuggle Hitch.
04:21I imagine he speaks like that.
04:23Well, he...
04:23The Snuggle...
04:25Nuttall here.
04:25He might well do.
04:29The Hangman's Knot is named after
04:31one of the most famous hangmen in history,
04:34Charles II's Hangman.
04:35Oh, it's the French guy.
04:37Johnny Noose.
04:38No, because...
04:38Only enough, his surname is a sailing vessel.
04:42Jack Ketch.
04:43Ketch.
04:44Ketch.
04:44Jack Ketch.
04:45Which, if I'm not mistaken,
04:47has a tall mast at the front,
04:48a small mast at the back.
04:49Very indeed.
04:50Yes, I'd just like to put that out.
04:51Well done.
04:54This became pretty much
04:55the standard hanging noose that was used
04:57because it broke the neck very quickly.
04:59So it was a very quick death
05:00when you dropped.
05:02The drop, as they called it.
05:03So, in a way, it was humane.
05:06It's good that you say
05:07he was an effective hangman
05:08because if you weren't an effective hangman,
05:10you're essentially just a bloke
05:11that opens a door.
05:12Do you know what I mean?
05:14Because where was it?
05:15There was a place
05:17where the prisoners built the gallows
05:19and when you stood on a particular plank,
05:21it forced the wood out
05:23and then the door didn't open
05:24and no one was getting...
05:26And then they would test it
05:27and the door would open
05:28and then they'd go,
05:29all right,
05:30and then they'd put the person there
05:31and then it would push the wood
05:32and then it wouldn't.
05:33And they'd go, all right,
05:34take him away, test it again, fine.
05:36And that happened loads of times.
05:38And so they decided
05:38God didn't want this person to die
05:40and let them out.
05:40Now, I think that's a real thing.
05:42I might have seen it
05:42in an episode of Scooby-Doo.
05:45I'm not sure.
05:47I'm not quite sure.
05:49Do you need to do a lot of hanging in Scooby-Doo?
05:52No, you're not.
05:52Now you're going to mention it.
05:53No, Mark!
05:54How would that be Scooby-Doo?
05:57Like, like, like, like.
06:08So, now, I want you to take one of those each
06:13and tie yourselves together,
06:14as it were.
06:15This has gone quite dark.
06:17Yes.
06:18Just me.
06:20It's like a party game in the 70s.
06:22So, put each one of those around your wrist.
06:25No, no, don't undo it.
06:26Well, I can't get my hand through that.
06:31Cockcrab, that is.
06:33So, try this one.
06:35Oh, you can give me that one back.
06:38It's more like it.
06:39No.
06:40Put your wrist room.
06:44That's it.
06:44And then do that
06:45so that you're tied together.
06:47Yes.
06:48Is that right?
06:48Yes.
06:49Without doing the knots,
06:50untie yourself.
07:00Don't turn around.
07:02Don't turn around.
07:03Don't turn around.
07:06No.
07:08No.
07:10No.
07:13No.
07:15We've got through there.
07:16Yes.
07:16Yes.
07:17No.
07:18No.
07:20Emphatically, no.
07:24Completely not.
07:25Hang on.
07:26Hang on.
07:38I've got it, I've got it.
07:40I've got it.
07:41If I do a forward flip...
07:53Oh, oh, I think technically you're now married
08:03You two hold it for a second and watch because I think Sue was on something
08:07Okay, this is what we did when we were regularly handcuffed together as children
08:13You mustn't untie the knot
08:14Okay
08:16But...
08:19Ooh
08:21Yay!
08:27Brilliant
08:30Have a go
08:31I have no idea what you did
08:33How do I? I just feel alone now
08:35I'd like to when we were together
08:36Show them if you can remember it
08:39I've now got a purple one
08:41It's a good magic
08:42So what you have to do is you have to make a loop
08:47And then you feed the loop through
08:50What?
08:51And you go over your hand
08:53No way
08:55You are free
08:56No you're not
09:00Is this your what?
09:10Oh
09:11We've given up
09:12We've given up
09:12If I take my trousers off
09:15I think we have to call it a disaster
09:17But well done Sue Perkins
09:20APPLAUSE
09:26It was like a blue S&M twister
09:28It was rather wasn't it
09:30It was a wonderful sight that will never leave my memory banks
09:33You're now a shoo-in for the Fifty Shades of Grey movie
09:36I need a pair of you
09:36You are
09:37Absolutely
09:37So if you want to tie the knot at a knobstick wedding
09:43What do you need?
09:45A knobstick wedding
09:47I think I've been to a few of those
09:50It's not an offensive term for gay marriage is it?
09:57I think very surprised and disappointed to hear that on this show
10:02It is now
10:06If you imagine a knobstick as being some sort of weapon
10:09Is there another type of weapon followed by wedding
10:11A shotgun
10:12Exactly
10:12Pretty similar to a shotgun wedding
10:14Which is from a later era
10:16But a knobstick is a stick with a knob on the end
10:18So you just wave your knobstick around
10:20And someone goes
10:21Alright I'll marry you
10:22It's a big club
10:23It's a big club
10:24It's a big club
10:25It's a big club
10:26Sorry I was about to go
10:27That's what I did tomorrow
10:30No
10:31No
10:31No
10:32No
10:32She might be watching
10:35A knobstick is a type of wooden club
10:38Now if a woman was unmarried and had a baby
10:41That baby was said to be on the parish like Oliver Twist
10:44And the parish paid for workhouses and the parish had to pay for the babies
10:48And they didn't like that
10:49So in smaller villages where they knew who the father was
10:53They would force the marriage by threatening them with a knobstick
10:57And that was what a knobstick marriage was
11:00It was an enforced marriage
11:01Because the moment a man marries a woman he is responsible for the baby and the wife
11:05Whereas if an unmarried woman was in the parish the parish was
11:09So it's that simple
11:10There's a description of one here from 1829
11:13One of those illegal celebrations of matrimony which are termed by the peasantry
11:17Knobstick weddings took lately place in worksworth
11:20The parties forced into the blessed state are William Saxton a slender witted man aged 24
11:28Don't look at me when you said that
11:30I'm sick of it
11:31And Lydia Brooks some 15 years older who has a wooden leg
11:38Why did they need the knobstick then?
11:41Why didn't she just hop after and go
11:44Come on marry me come on
11:45The word knot has been associated with marriage for a very very long time
11:49Tying the knot was first used in 1717
11:52At least that's the first record we have of tying the knot
11:55And there have been some very odd ones
11:57In 2005 American Kevin Nadal married a horse? Was it a horse?
12:03A tree? No it was himself
12:04Oh
12:04Yes
12:05Can you do that?
12:06He solemnly vowed I Kevin Nadal take me Kevin Nadal to have and hold in sickness and in health
12:13His point was if people are happy to celebrate married life why shouldn't they celebrate single life?
12:18Yes
12:18Did he take himself out on dates and wonder when he'd make the first move?
12:22I bet he also said
12:24No it wasn't me who does the washing up
12:26Why am I always the bridesmaid?
12:28It's not me it's me
12:32If he meets somebody is he unfaithful to himself then?
12:35He would be yes presumably
12:37Not they could tell myself I'm going
12:38Would you have to divorce yourself?
12:40Where have you been? I'm not saying
12:43After many years of thought I decided to have an open relationship with myself
12:48Yeah
12:49You know I don't mind what I get up to
12:51Yeah
12:52But I wish I just would
12:53Don't do it behind my back
12:54Don't tell me I don't want to know
12:58Not in my bed
13:01He wanted to do a bit of wife swapping he just goes to the other end of the bed
13:04Oh dear
13:06In 1979 a lady called Aja Ritter Berliner Mauer
13:11A 57 year old German woman married
13:14What do you think she married?
13:16Is it a bridge?
13:16No from her name
13:18Berliner Mauer
13:18Mauer
13:19So Berlin Wall
13:20She married the Berlin Wall in 1979 when it's still up obviously
13:24There's somebody who married the Eiffel Tower or something
13:26Did they?
13:26They dated the Eiffel Tower for a while
13:28And then they got married
13:30And he says that they've been going steady with a bow
13:33And they've had close relations with a fence beforehand
13:36And they were obsessed with
13:37I think there's a word for
13:38I don't know what the word is
13:39But for sleeping with inanimate objects
13:41Or for
13:41Size isn't everything
13:43But the Eiffel Tower is pretty impressive
13:45Pretty impressive
13:45As fallacies go
13:46And there's a gift shop
13:47Yes
13:51A restaurant
13:52A view from the top of my husband
13:56Anyway one of these marriages of course has any official standing
13:59So those are some of the odder marriages
14:01The traditional way to make an honest woman of someone
14:04Is to use a church warden's knob on the other hand
14:06Why would anyone ban knitting patterns, flowers, hugs and kisses?
14:12This is a real ban
14:13As to say a governmental
14:15It's got a wartime feeling about it
14:17It has got a wartime feeling about it
14:18Code
14:19Code is the right word
14:20What, a knitting code?
14:21Yes
14:22So in World War II you were not allowed to send abroad any knitting pattern
14:25Just in case there was code embedded in it
14:28Oh
14:29So you couldn't send knitting socks to prisoners of war
14:32Well you could send socks but not anything with a knitting pattern in it
14:35Oh right
14:35Because they could be used as some sort of code
14:38Open out a blanket and it says June the 6th
14:40The 19th
14:42Normandy
14:43Yeah
14:45Also postal chest was not allowed
14:47Even kisses at the bottom of letters
14:49In case they had some means
14:51Presumably messages
14:52Yeah
14:52Saying where the troops are moving
14:54Yes those were obviously pretty much banned
14:56Could you not have got like
14:57You know you get knitting machines
14:58Could they not have made like an Enigma knitting machine
15:01Where it makes a jumper and then scrambles it up
15:04So that they couldn't pass the message
15:05That would be very clever
15:06You know it's an opportunity missed
15:08It is an opportunity missed
15:09Yes
15:09We have a Karen Templer who is a QI watcher
15:12Has knitted us
15:13Oh look at that
15:14Um
15:14And this says in Morse code
15:19And
15:20I will always love you
15:22Oh that's cute
15:22Aw
15:23Thank you Karen
15:24Bravo
15:28She was in there
15:29I thought she was like
15:31She was indulging in a bit of four-ply
15:33Hey
15:35Nice
15:35Nice
15:36That is good
15:37The knitter wrote that it is Morse code and not braille
15:42You know what?
15:44Get off me
15:46You know the female knitters at the guillotine
15:49Yes
15:49Did they knit?
15:50Did they knit code?
15:51Or there was something about them knitting code?
15:53The most famous one is Madame Defarge in The Tale of Two Cities
15:57And they were known as tricoteurs which is the French for knitting women
16:00But a lot of people now believe they didn't really exist
16:03That they were sort of made up by Carlyle the great historian of the French Revolution
16:06And by Dickens
16:08So they didn't knit necessarily
16:09Or they didn't think that they actually sat there watching heads rolling
16:13Well in the book Madame Defarge knits the names of all the aristocrats
16:17Who are getting their heads chopped off which is not really a code
16:19As a sort of gleeful cackling joy
16:21And the original women of the revolution were called the mothers of the revolution
16:24And they were much loved
16:25But then they became, during the terror they became considered a nuisance
16:29And so they were shut up and they were forbade to wear trousers
16:32A law that wasn't repealed until February 2013 in France
16:36Trouser suits have actually been illegal in France for that length
16:39But obviously not enforced
16:42To say the least
16:43Now how can knitting be used to reduce fear, crime and disorder?
16:49You say if he had a tank top on
16:52He'd go okay, I'm putting the gun down
16:54Well you know if he was knitting he couldn't be holding a gun
16:57Well that's true
16:58It's very, it's harder to stab, shoot
17:00You can only really kick people while you're knitting can't you?
17:03You can't stab
17:04You will come on to that
17:06There is something called extreme knitting
17:08Which we will come to
17:09At the moment we're looking at this form of knitting
17:14Which has different names
17:16It's called guerilla knitting
17:18Or sometimes yarn bombing
17:20And it is actually a way to make a place more peaceful
17:23It's to deter crime
17:25And it's tried out in Leicester
17:27Where they hung pom-poms
17:30And put things round trees
17:32Oh I feel calm already
17:34It's like a tree warmer
17:35Well they used cosies for tree trunks, parking meters, even buses
17:40And tanks has been suggested in the military areas
17:42The Leicester experiments have had mixed results
17:45Some locals don't think it works
17:46Others do
17:47The fact is the pom-poms have so embarrassed the Leicester police
17:50That they haven't allowed us to show photographs of them
17:53Which is extremely mean of them
17:55Yeah
17:55But I'm sure if you look it up you'll be able to see the Leicester pom-poms
17:58So they're embarrassed?
17:59Yeah
17:59I'm embarrassed by the fact that they do look rather comic
18:02We can easily sort that out
18:04Basically if you're watching
18:05If you're in Leicester
18:06And you see a policeman
18:07Just go
18:07Oi, where's pom-poms?
18:09Yeah
18:10I'll teach them
18:11It certainly will
18:12It certainly will
18:12But as I said there's guerilla knitting
18:14But I alluded to it earlier
18:15There's extreme knitting
18:16What do you think that might be?
18:19I don't know
18:19Now I've got Greg Wallace in my head going
18:21Knitting doesn't get more extreme than knitting
18:26First you get a slip stitch
18:28Then comes a taste of pearl
18:31Isn't it about doing knitting in places where you wouldn't normally
18:34Like driving a Formula One car
18:37Well sort of
18:38Parachuting
18:39The great heroine of this is one Susie Hewer
18:42Age 55 at the moment of going to press
18:44She has the world record for knitting a scarf while running a marathon
18:49Oh that is good
18:50That is impressive
18:51And she's also crocheted while running a marathon too
18:54And she's ridden a tandem
18:56And she does it to raise money for Alzheimer's research
18:59So it's all pretty good in the end
19:00Yeah
19:00I did a half marathon
19:02And I was a student
19:03To raise money so that we could go to the Edinburgh Festival
19:08Oh dear me
19:10So that's what got you here
19:1350 quid
19:1470 quid
19:1470 quid
19:15And then we got two grand off the Students' Union to top it up
19:1830 quid
19:22Well it worked out alright for you didn't it?
19:24Yeah
19:24I would say
19:25Now what about the biggest knitted objects in the world?
19:28How big are they?
19:29Massive
19:29Massive
19:30Yes
19:30Is the answer
19:30Give me a
19:33Biggest knitted object?
19:35Yeah
19:35Well I've had my doubts about Venus for a long time
19:39Is it going to be like a suspension bridge or something?
19:42Is a knitted object?
19:43In as much as it is yes
19:44It is a physical object on which people can live
19:47Is the internet knitted?
19:49You count as the huge knitted thing
19:52No
19:53It's a series of man-made knitted islands on the Peruvian side of Lake Titicaca
19:58And there are 45 of them
20:00They're from Totoro Reeds
20:02And there's a church on one of them
20:04There are buildings and houses, people live on them
20:07The scariest thing is the size of the nanas that built them
20:11Yes
20:13Several hundred people live on them
20:15And they get so used to this rather springy surface
20:17That if they then go on land
20:19It just
20:20They can't walk
20:21It takes them ages to get their land legs back
20:23I think that's where Bez from the Happy Mondays
20:25He's from
20:27There you go
20:28It would be a great excuse wouldn't it
20:30If you turned up somewhere pissed
20:31To say no actually I'm fine
20:32I just usually live somewhere knitted
20:35There you are
20:37Just it's a very different surface
20:38Everything feels very wobbly
20:39But I'm just a professional
20:42But the Lake Titicaca Olympic team must be amazing
20:46Oh
20:46Well
20:47Well
20:49Give me a statistic about the Titicaca
20:51It is the biggest innuendo place
20:57It's got titties and it's got caca
20:59Exactly
21:00Is it very very high?
21:01It's the highest navigable lake in the world
21:04That's quite right
21:05Navigable means you can go in one end and out the other
21:07Well yes, yeah
21:07You can get ships on it
21:08And there are many ships on it
21:09Exactly like that
21:10And ports and things like that
21:11There are higher lakes which you couldn't get a ship onto
21:13Not been made more navigable by loads of knitted items
21:15Knitted
21:16In the way
21:17Yeah
21:17So anyway
21:19Now for a new round
21:20What Katie did
21:22Here are five creatures and five names
21:24I want you to match the creature to the name
21:27Oh
21:27Right
21:28There's a dragon head
21:29There's a spike headed a horn
21:30A mimicking snap nose
21:31And a small hooded
21:32And they're all called
21:33Sheila
21:34No
21:34They're Katie did
21:36Why might they be called a Katie did
21:38A cat-a-tid?
21:40No it is actually pronounced Katie did
21:41It's because supposedly the sound they make by striculating their wings
21:45As many of the crickety type animals and circadity type animals do
21:49Crickety type animals?
21:50Yeah crickets
21:56The crickety type animals
21:58The crickety ones
22:00Yeah
22:00Footballish ones
22:02The bingo wings sort of rub
22:04And they let their rings
22:05And it makes a chirping noise
22:06Yes
22:06Which puts them in common with locusts and grasshoppers and cicadas and so on
22:11But they're called Katie did
22:12Because apparently the sound is Katie did, Katie didn't
22:15I don't know
22:15We haven't got a recording of it
22:17So I can't help you
22:18Katie did, Katie didn't
22:19Katie did
22:19Katie did
22:19Katie did
22:19Katie did
22:19Katie did
22:20Katie did
22:20Katie did
22:20In a colour coded sort of way
22:21Oh there you can see
22:23Oh
22:24Oh
22:25But they're strange creatures
22:25And the most impressive in some ways
22:28Is the small hooded
22:29Which as you see is the purple one
22:31Which looks like a leaf
22:32We're looking at it very closely and it's moving
22:34But it wasn't discovered till 2010
22:36It lived for millennia
22:38And it's not even rare
22:39It's in Australia
22:40It's because it's camouflage is so astonishing
22:43The mottling of the leaves and everything else
22:45Is such that people just don't see it
22:47That's the longest game of hide and seek
22:49Yes
22:49Yes
22:50Yes
22:50Yes
22:50Yes
22:50Yes
22:51Yes
22:51Yes
22:51Yes
22:52Yes
22:52Yes
22:52Yes
22:53Yes
22:53Yes
22:53Yes
22:54Yes
22:54Yes
22:56Yes
23:05Yes
23:34Yes
23:36by inserting a jelly-like package called...
23:38Why are you looking at me?
23:39I'm sorry.
23:40..called a spermatophore into the female.
23:44The back end of this spermatophore,
23:46this bulging packet of spermatozoic jelly,
23:49there's too much of it, it bulges out,
23:51and the female reaches back and eats it for lunch.
23:54Yes, it is.
23:55So it's a romantic dinner for one, so it's a couple...
23:58Only a man could say that.
24:0440%!
24:05The thing about that as a creature, though,
24:07is because it's got such massive balls,
24:09like, when you film it close up,
24:11it must go, like, it must leave,
24:12whoosh!
24:13Ooh!
24:14Ooh!
24:15Ooh, the agony.
24:16Every time it lands, it just...
24:17Where's the penis? Is the penis massive?
24:20I don't think the penis is as massive as the test penis.
24:22Just a little thing like that and then two like...
24:24Yeah, it's really...
24:25It's quite a powerful squirt, you'd have thought.
24:28You'd have to be a mile away.
24:31Well, there you are, there's it, Katie did.
24:34The longest distance of mating in the animal kingdom.
24:38What is?
24:39Yeah.
24:39Gosh, I don't know.
24:40Some fish, they put the eggs and then the male fish
24:42comes along later, they don't even meet, do they?
24:45You can send by post, I suppose.
24:47Well, there's the ninja slug.
24:51Well, this is a real thing.
24:53A ninja slug?
24:53It's a ninja slug.
24:55And it, it, when it's doing the lovin', it, er...
24:59LAUGHTER
24:59Yeah, I'm like the proper eggs.
25:00Slug lovin'.
25:01Wax on, wax on.
25:02Yeah, slug lovin'.
25:03And then instead of getting involved, it comes up
25:06and then it fires, like all the necessaries, towards the lady slug,
25:11and she, whoof, and then...
25:14I don't know what it's called.
25:15It's sort of...
25:16But she leans backward to catch it.
25:17I don't think she's got hands, but she...
25:19LAUGHTER
25:20She's very...
25:21That's the people of the slug.
25:22If you rush a slug like that, they go...
25:24Ooh!
25:28Oh, exactly.
25:29Oh, yeah.
25:33Yeah.
25:33And then, yeah.
25:34Are you saying it's, it's like meat and two veg, detach?
25:37Yeah.
25:38Takes it off.
25:39Takes it off and fires it at...
25:40Takes it off and it...
25:42Again, I'm not sure where I found this out.
25:44Scooby-Doo!
25:45That is definitely Scooby-Doo.
25:47It's a bit...
25:48And then...
25:48Woo!
25:49Like that.
25:49I've definitely seen that as Scooby-Doo.
25:50And then she's...
25:51I think she's like that.
25:53And she's basically like a goalkeeper, just readying herself.
25:57Honestly, it's like an explosion in an Aunt Somers.
26:00LAUGHTER
26:01Well, that's terrific.
26:02Well done.
26:03There's nothing worse, though, when this lung comes towards the lady
26:06and she dives the wrong way.
26:08LAUGHTER
26:10Moving on.
26:11From the enormous knackers of the Katie did.
26:14Sorry.
26:15What can you tell me about the royal knackers?
26:19LAUGHTER
26:20Well, I imagine they're pretty toasty right now.
26:23Is it where royal horses are killed?
26:27The royal knackers yard?
26:28Yes.
26:29They no longer have a royal knackers yard, but they used to.
26:32There was, of course, in the Victorian age and earlier,
26:35a great need to get rid of horses who had died
26:38and to make the most of them.
26:40And they went to knackers yards.
26:43And there was...
26:43Went into lasagna.
26:44And there were men who did all kinds of things.
26:47And the royal knacker was one John Achela,
26:50who had the royal warrant from Queen Victoria to knacker her horses.
26:55And he was the official horse slaughter.
26:57He's buried in Highgate Cemetery where there's a tomb
27:00with a prancing horse on top of it, like a Ferrari mascot.
27:03Is it prancing the other way up?
27:05LAUGHTER
27:08Maybe prancing the sign of revenge.
27:10Yeah, maybe.
27:11He got you at last, you bastard.
27:13Yeah.
27:14He had two knackers yards.
27:15The first was in Sharps Alley near Smithfield
27:17and then later near King's Cross at Belle Isle.
27:20And they were famously malodorous.
27:21You wouldn't want to live near them.
27:23Huge, huge copper vats filled with horses being rendered down.
27:28But here from 1844 is an extract from Bentley's Miscellany.
27:32The knacker's cart arrives in double quick.
27:34The mob admires the cart, the royal arms
27:37and the inscription,
27:37Knacker to Her Majesty.
27:39The royal knacker, a swell knacker in cords and tops
27:43with a bit of butcher's apron just as big as a bishop's,
27:45merely to distinguish his profession,
27:47pole axe in hand descends from his vehicle.
27:50Well, that's pageantry.
27:52That's pageantry.
27:53That's what I want to see televised.
27:55David Dim will be doing the commentary,
27:57the slaughtering of the royal horse.
28:00Absolutely.
28:01It wouldn't be David Dim, wouldn't it be Fern Cotton?
28:04They've ruined the horse slaughtering.
28:06They've trivialised the knacker.
28:07Yes, it used to be so respectful.
28:10So much of fun for the circus.
28:11Explain what bit of the horse was bubbling up to the top now.
28:15He used to have a bottle, he did an eye.
28:17But they don't know now, these new presenters.
28:20Softball clubs used horse oil to...
28:23Er, I don't stop chasing.
28:25Lubricate something.
28:25Yes, their boots actually.
28:27Oddly enough to keep their boots supple.
28:28Cricket teams rubbed it into their bats,
28:30much as they then used to do with linseed oil.
28:33Doctors used Neatsfoot oil to massage a patient's joints
28:36after coming out of plaster.
28:38You'd use that.
28:39Selected bones were sent to knife manufacturers for the handles.
28:42Oh, there you are, look.
28:44See, horse meat for sale, the store only.
28:46With beef, land, veal, pork also available.
28:49He's thinking, well, I won't drop a horse.
28:50The horse looks a bit worried.
28:52The horse is deciding which to have.
28:55But by strange, I don't know, coincidence or irony is the word,
28:58but in 1824 the RSPCA was founded,
29:01and there's a plaque to show where it was founded.
29:04Oh!
29:05Old Slaughter's Coffeehouse.
29:07That's what you want to do after you've been at a good old night,
29:10slaughtering, is have a latte.
29:11Yeah.
29:12I fed horse meat to a lion once.
29:15Did you?
29:16That was a Pony Trek gone wrong.
29:19I gave you a lot, folks.
29:22No, I was in Namibia.
29:23Yeah.
29:24Doing a documentary about this place where they rehabilitate big cats,
29:29where they had three lions a bit like Clarence the Boss-Eyed Lion
29:33from Daptail.
29:33I remember him well.
29:34You know, he kind of was semi-tame.
29:36And they fed them horse meat,
29:37so if a horse died anywhere within about 300 miles,
29:40they'd try and get hold of it.
29:41Wow.
29:42And they'd chop it up,
29:43and you'd put it...
29:44They'd lift a bit of the fence,
29:46and you'd shove this metal bowl underneath,
29:47and the lion would come over and put its tongue in.
29:50And the lion's got these barbs on the tongue...
29:53Take the skin off.
29:53...that can pick up a piece of horse meat
29:56and dangle it from there,
29:57and then they're looking at you through the bar.
30:00Just got these fences.
30:01Still got the hair on the side, you know.
30:03It's not...
30:03Oh.
30:04And then...
30:05Quite a flimsy fence.
30:07Yes.
30:09You're lucky still to have you.
30:11Yeah.
30:12Well done, yeah.
30:13That's quite a depressing sign.
30:14Well...
30:14If anyone from Leeds tells you to eat kicker,
30:18what should you do?
30:20Run away, cos that's kicker there.
30:22LAUGHTER
30:23You can see we're still in the world of meat.
30:26Is it horse?
30:27Meat is actually just plain horse, yes, it's horse.
30:29And Yorkshire was the last place, really,
30:32to eat horse on a major scale in Britain.
30:34Until quite recently.
30:36Well...
30:37But, of course, recently there have been a few scandals
30:40which mean we've probably all been eating horse.
30:42That dark brown horse has the hair of Tina Turner.
30:46LAUGHTER
30:48What have you got here?
30:51Did you spot on?
30:53What you're looking at here is the entire line-up of horse kajagoogoo.
30:56LAUGHTER
30:58You're absolutely right.
31:00Really spooky, that.
31:01Well, horse was very popular right up to the first millennium
31:04until Gregory III, the Pope, deemed it too pagan.
31:08But the Scandinavians had always loved eating horse,
31:10and the greatest Scandinavian, as it were, presence in Britain
31:13was in Yorkshire.
31:14And so it remained as a tradition to eat horse
31:16right up until, really, the 30s.
31:19And the last butcher-selling horse in the county
31:22was Arnold Drury in Doncaster, who died in 1951.
31:26He proudly advertised viande cheval, meat horse,
31:30of super-quality horseflesh.
31:33And other butchers called it kicker,
31:36more euphemistically.
31:37And in the 19th century, rural Yorkshire folk
31:39who moved to the city were known as kicker-eaters.
31:43I've eaten horse.
31:44Well, most of us have, apparently, without knowing it.
31:46I actually ate it consciously.
31:47Deliberately.
31:48And how was it?
31:49I mean, very lean.
31:50Just no fat on it at all.
31:52Wow.
31:52Just basically eating sort of, I don't know,
31:54sort of wall insulation.
31:56I mean, just no succulents to it.
31:58Yeah.
31:58Isn't it odd how we rebel at the idea of things
32:02that we're not used to?
32:03You know, we are totally used to drinking
32:06the proteinous fatty stuff that comes out of an alien animal
32:09that is designed to make its calf double in weight every week,
32:13and we're perfectly happy to scull it back and go,
32:16that's all right, I'm eating a cow's milk.
32:18But even more so...
32:18Eat a horse's milk, you go, yeah!
32:21Even more so than that, when my sister-in-law
32:23expressed some breast milk and kept it in the fridge.
32:26Ah.
32:26And her brother came in and drank that.
32:29Did everyone feel a bit unwell?
32:31Yes.
32:31Everyone quite knows why.
32:32Exactly, because it's a lot of...
32:34It's designed for human consumption.
32:36It's designed for...
32:36Much more than cow or horse milk.
32:38I'll tell you what, it makes a lovely rice pudding.
32:41Oh my God.
32:42Wasn't there a shop selling...
32:45Breast milk ice cream?
32:46Yeah.
32:46We should all try lots of different animals' milk.
32:48I'm very happy to try horse milk.
32:50I had some of that breast milk ice cream.
32:52Did you?
32:52Yeah.
32:52I was on a television programme and they brought it round as a gimmick.
32:56I didn't seek it out.
32:57No.
32:58And it tasted completely like normal ice cream.
33:01I thought what you were going to say could be like tits.
33:04It tasted very, very strongly of tits.
33:07It tasted very much like dog or horse milk.
33:09Yeah.
33:10Well, the most famous 19th century royal knacker was Jack Achiller,
33:14responsible for dealing with 26,000 horses a year.
33:19Talking of being knackered,
33:20describe the world's oldest mattress.
33:24Oh, I think it's got springs sticking out and it's a bit tacky.
33:27It's a lot older than that.
33:29It's very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very old.
33:3239,000 years old, we think.
33:34It's in KwaZulu-Natal, in a cave,
33:38and it's made of rushes and reeds.
33:40And it was used by humans for thousands and thousands and thousands of years,
33:44and they'd add top layers of insect-repelling plants
33:48so that they wouldn't get bitten during the night.
33:50No, no.
33:50So it's a really extraordinary...
33:52What was it, a king, a super king?
33:54I think probably wider.
33:56Californian double king, probably.
33:58Yeah, absolutely.
33:59I think I've stared at that hotel.
34:02Compared to apes, of course, humans are relatively hairless.
34:05We have two major areas of hair, don't we?
34:08We have our little top-knot, and we have our little lower-down area of hair.
34:13Both of which can be susceptible to lice.
34:17There's the head louse.
34:19Ah, weird.
34:20And there's the pubic louse.
34:22Which is actually on the decline.
34:24The crab, is it?
34:25Yes, it is.
34:26Yeah, yeah, yeah.
34:27They've got so many pubes about these days.
34:29Well, that's because of the Brazilians, do you think?
34:31No, that's exactly right.
34:32The Brazilian has seen...
34:33Yeah, because of the, you know, the...
34:35Shaving downstairs.
34:36The Hollywood has seen...
34:37And the...
34:37I'm not sure how I know this, but...
34:39It's true.
34:40It's true if you do, okay.
34:41Probably, yeah.
34:43Ooh!
34:45Ooh!
34:47And if it hadn't been for you pesky kids,
34:49I'd have gotten away with it as well.
34:51Yeah, apparently their numbers are...
34:53Yeah, I mean, the fact they'll actually start sanctuaries now.
34:56Special...
34:57Special puke sanctuaries.
34:59And I've done it, like, every month.
35:00Little crabber is.
35:02It's a natural habitat.
35:04The natural habitat is shrinking.
35:05It was awful, wouldn't it, actually, though?
35:07If you, you know, you found you had pubic lice
35:10and then there was some sort of environment agency order on it
35:13that you couldn't get rid of it.
35:15I'm so sorry.
35:17They fought to the ecosystem.
35:18They're restricted.
35:19They're zoning.
35:19They're like bats.
35:20Yeah.
35:21It was assumed that when we were hairier beings,
35:25we had various lice on our bodies
35:26and that some of them specialised in the head
35:29and began to sort of evolve into head lice
35:31and the others specialised in the pubes
35:33and began to evolve into pubic lice.
35:34But it's been discovered that they're not related at all
35:37and that our pubic lice are actually related to lice that live on gorillas.
35:42Oh.
35:42Which asks a rather interesting question as to...
35:45Who was it who made that...
35:50David Allen dance?
35:52Yep.
35:52David Allen.
35:53I'm sorry.
35:54No, it was 3.3 million years ago that the jump was made.
35:58I think that still works, David.
36:00So there's no...
36:01So they're down there and up there, no...
36:03But you see, I've got...
36:04They're not related.
36:05I've got a sort of nature corridor.
36:08Well, you might...
36:10I think you'll find your...
36:10They'll try down there and not like it.
36:12They'll stay up there.
36:13Oh, dare you.
36:14And they all stay down there.
36:15Oh, dare you.
36:16That's an area of standing natural beauty down there.
36:19There's an immense distance there.
36:21Oh, let's just say an area of special scientific interest.
36:25I've had a picnic area put in.
36:28I've got a gift shop down there.
36:33There must have been sort of louse meetings, though,
36:37somewhere in people's chest hair when they, you know,
36:39the more...
36:40Yeah, exactly.
36:41The more adventurous of the head lice meet the more adventurous
36:44of the pube lice and...
36:45Yeah.
36:45Good imagine.
36:46They've tried mating...
36:48To make chest lice.
36:49They created a new species, tit lice.
36:51Yeah.
36:52They just live around the tit area.
36:54A tit louse is good.
36:55That's a nice thought.
36:56I like that, yes.
36:57It's almost Beatrix Potter, isn't it?
36:59Yes.
36:59This is a children's book waiting to happen.
37:02It is.
37:03You're going to do the audio recording.
37:07Moving on.
37:09What's the oldest profession?
37:13Oh, yeah, that one.
37:14And we were all terribly frightened of them.
37:16We were all...
37:17Prostitute!
37:17Prostitute!
37:19Prostitute!
37:20I'm just shouting prostitute like I usually do.
37:25It must be five o'clock.
37:26Yeah.
37:28Whenever I walk past in Soho and you see that, models upstairs, it would be amazing if you
37:33went in there and it was just like a Hornby bottle railway.
37:36Perfect.
37:36And just loads of women in their pants.
37:38Just going, come on, it's brilliant.
37:40We've got a station box.
37:43But it's not prostitution.
37:45Oldest...
37:46Is it knitting?
37:47No, but you're right.
37:48It begins with a silent K.
37:51When we made early tools, what did we make them out of?
37:53Flint napping.
37:55Napping.
37:55Napping.
37:56Yes, Flint napping.
37:57Seems to be the oldest profession from archaeological digs.
38:00We've seen a homo habilis handyman.
38:04He was an early smaller version of us and he napped away at Flint to make spearheads and so on.
38:10It seems to have been the first job that we know of.
38:12But logically, if that's...
38:14Someone's tried hunting just with a normal stick before he's asked someone to have a go at napping some Flint
38:21to make his stick sharper.
38:22So I reckon Hunter's got to be the job pre-napping.
38:26Yeah.
38:27But you were sort of...
38:27You were self-employed.
38:28Well, you ate the food and you gave it to the family.
38:31I reckon they were all probably...
38:32None of them were on PAYE.
38:33No, I was going to say.
38:34Is it PAYE?
38:36Even before Hunter, there was surely a spear caddy.
38:40Spear caddy.
38:41Who hands the...
38:42That's true.
38:43Spear caddy, could I have the number four, please?
38:47Of course, you know, you don't have a thing that a wood chopper would cut it.
38:50Yes, you've got to have one of those.
38:51You're right.
38:52But anyway, flint napping was certainly an old...
38:54Older than...
38:55All of this is before prostitutes.
38:56Certainly the oldest one with a silent K, yes.
38:58Yeah.
38:59Is there a word for prostitute that begins with a silent K?
39:01I don't know the one...
39:02Probably.
39:02Knob gobbler.
39:05Wow, that was good.
39:08That was smart.
39:12Yeah, well, the oldest human occupation we have evidence for is flint napping.
39:16Now, what should you watch out for when handling these?
39:21Roses.
39:22Roses.
39:22Rose stems.
39:23Oh, is it old women with secateurs?
39:25Yeah, well, that's what I do.
39:26And what else?
39:27What else might harm you if you try to pick them?
39:29The thorny bit.
39:33Roses don't have thorns.
39:36Thorn bushes have roses, is that it?
39:39Is it a trick?
39:40No.
39:41Roses they're called...
39:42Prickles.
39:43Prickles.
39:43Well done.
39:44Absolutely right.
39:45They're not thorns.
39:47A thorn is a very specific thing, botanically.
39:49Thorns are modified branches or stems.
39:51And the prickles are part of a plant's skin, which is what those are.
39:54They come out from it.
39:55So when Bon Jovi sang, every rose has a thorn.
39:59They were lying.
39:59He's made an absolute fool of himself.
40:01They did.
40:01Every rose has a thorn!
40:02That'd be great, wouldn't it?
40:03If you went to a Bon Jovi gigging, every rose has a...
40:07Whoop!
40:08Whoop!
40:08Whoop!
40:09Whoop!
40:11We've got to invite him on the show, I think.
40:13Absolutely right.
40:14So let's see if we learn something tonight.
40:16I'm going to show you something.
40:17And tell me, is there a thorn in this picture?
40:24Er, there's not one on the rose.
40:26No.
40:29Well, you said no, didn't you?
40:32But you were more accurate.
40:34You said there's not one on the rose.
40:35But is there one on the crown?
40:36No, there isn't one on the crown either.
40:38One on the grass.
40:39Oh, Alan, you were the only person on the programme when we covered this.
40:44There is no such thing as ye olde rose and crown.
40:47It's the old rose and crown.
40:49And the letter Y is called a...
40:51Thorn.
40:52Thorn.
40:53The letter is the thorn.
40:55So the Y is called...
40:57A thorn.
40:58A thorn.
40:58When you see that, you don't say ye, you say the.
41:01The.
41:02When people say ye olde, they're completely wrong.
41:04It's the.
41:04I will never get it wrong again.
41:06So you no longer have to say ye olde tea shop.
41:08It's the olde tea shop.
41:10There.
41:10There.
41:10What if you open...
41:11What if you open a new one?
41:14Just called it the new tea shop.
41:17Now, who fancies one of my knick-knacks to celebrate the beauty of chemistry?
41:23I've got a bottle here of alcohol.
41:25Mmm.
41:26But this is not drinking alcohol.
41:27I'm just gonna...
41:27That was full at the start of the time.
41:30What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna make a cloud, which I think you'll find is rather exciting.
41:34I've got a pump here.
41:36And I'm...
41:36Alan, I'm going to ask you to pump me, would you?
41:39Every Monday.
41:40That's it.
41:42And by doing this, I just make it evaporate a little and I'm gonna stick the plunger in as
41:46soon as I can so it won't get too much.
41:47Now, by pumping it in, you're applying pressure to this.
41:50There you go.
41:51Is that a pump?
41:51About ten.
41:52Two.
41:52Three.
41:54Four.
41:55Five.
41:55Six.
41:56Seven.
41:57Eight.
41:59Nine.
41:59Ten.
42:00That'll do.
42:00There we go.
42:01And...
42:01Oh!
42:03Cloud!
42:04Look at that.
42:04I've made a cloud.
42:07But...
42:07Pop it in.
42:12You can now make it disappear.
42:17Ooh!
42:20Come back, Cloud!
42:22Ooh!
42:23Oh!
42:24Isn't that exciting?
42:27All of which brings us to the scores.
42:31And our winner tonight on Minus Six is David Mitchell.
42:37And the very respectable second place on Minus Nine is Ross Noble.
42:47All the time in third place with Minus 17, Alan Davies.
42:55But tonight's frayed knicker elastic is Sue Perkins on Minus 22.
43:07Well, that's all from Sue, David, Ross, Alan and me.
43:13Good night.
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